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Maybe he regretted his decision to confess.
He regretted listening to his coworkers who told him to just go for it and that it would be fine and that the other would accept it, he had serious doubts about that. He was mad at himself for being stupid enough to fall for his enemy, someone from the opposite organization, someone who hated his guts.
He didn’t even know how it happened and couldn’t put a reasonable explanation into words, when he figured it out his first reaction was to deny it because there no way he was in love with Akutagawa, the guy literally tried to kill him multiple times and they made a whole deal that they would fight to the death in a few months, how did he manage to fall for him? Had he gone insane?. As much as he hated it he eventually had to admit it to himself, his next reaction was to try to ignore it to act as if absolutely nothing changed about his feelings for the other.
It was hard, even more so because Dazai seemed keen on pairing them up for missions more and more over time. He knew the exact reason why, it was because he regretfully thought that maybe Dazai would have some good advice to give him as he was his mentor after all so he told him, about the unwanted feelings he felt towards Akutagawa.
“ Oh.” The older man had said only with a slight raise of eyebrows. “Well, I can’t say that I’m surprised haha, opposites attract and all that. now that you figured it out you should tell him!”
“W-What?! I can’t just tell him, he hates me!” Atsushi exclaimed.
“Come on, as your older trustworthy mentor, friend, and technically boss I can assure you that he most definitely likes you back, I’m surprised you haven’t noticed yourself,” Dazai said as if It was obvious.
“What- no he doesn’t! What makes you think that?” He asked.
“Hmm, well for one apparently he keeps talking about you, Chuuya told me. And for two, he keeps looking at you like you’re the prettiest thing he’s ever seen.” Dazai went on, talking as if he had no doubt about it.
“I don't know what you’re talking about, he doesn’t,” Atsushi answered crossing his arms together.
“Well, you’re quite oblivious then. Even a blind man could see it!” Dazai said and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “Just go for it, the worst he can say is no and you’ll have to move on.”
And he did, go for it eventually. Even though if he did say no he didn’t know how he’d ever face him again, he honestly didn’t want to ruin things as they had developed some sort of ‘friendship’ if he could call it that by now. They hung out outside of work sometimes, going for a drink at a cafe or just going to his house, sometimes they even went out to eat at a restaurant together. Even though he always felt out of place by how fancy it looked, Akutagawa insisted on paying for both of them and even if Atsushi wanted to he’d probably go in debt if he attempted to pay.
So it was logical for him to be scared of losing all that just because of those feelings he had, he knew he was setting himself up but he had already made his decision.
They sat at a cafe together, they finished up a mission and decided to go check out the new drink the cafe offered afterwards, it was pretty popular lately but a bit pricey. He didn’t regret paying though as he drank it, it was sweet and strawberry flavoured he’d definitely have to buy some again.
He anxiously fiddled with his fingers trying to calm himself down, god he felt as if he was going to throw up he shouldn’t have decided to go through with this because now he had to work out the courage to actually say it.
“Hey um, Akutagawa?” He said cutting the comfortable silence that had formed between them.
The other looked up at him. “Yes?”
“It’s just that, there’s something that I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while.” He answered and now he definitely couldn’t go back, he didn’t say it yet but he already had regrets.
“Well, go on then.” He said and stared at the other, giving him his full attention, which made him feel twenty times more nervous. He cleared his throat before speaking.
“It’s just… I’ve been thinking about us a lot lately and um- I guess that it’s been like that for a while but I just didn’t realize it. Okay, what I’m trying to say here is just, well, basically-” He struggled to get the words out his heart hammering in his chest as he struggled to keep eye contact, it felt as if he was going to die.
He was startled when he felt Akutagawa put his hand over his on the table before interlacing their fingers. “It’s alright, you can tell me.”
The action gave him some courage and he forced himself to go on before he lost it. “What I’ve been trying to say is, I like you Akutagawa.”
There, he said it, he felt as if he was about to have a heart attack but he said it. He hesitantly looked back up at Akutagawa who didn’t seem surprised. “Okay, so do I?”
“No! I mean like- romantically as in I love you.” He said thinking the other might’ve misunderstood.
“So do I? I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me here we’re literally dating.” Akutagawa answered as if he was stating the obvious.
Huh?!
Atsushi’s brain short-circuited, did he just say they were already dating? Now his memory wasn’t that good but he was sure that he would’ve remembered if he started dating his enemy, this was confusing.
“What? We are? Since when?!” He rapidly asked.
“For a few weeks? Wait don’t tell me that you-” He cut himself off and thought for a second before continuing. “Please, don’t tell me that you thought we were just friends until now.”
Atsushi didn’t know what to answer to that and looked down at his lap in shame. He could feel Akutagawa staring at him. “Oh my god- you can’t be serious right now.”
“Sorry! I’m sorry! But how was I supposed to know as far as I remember you never asked me out!” He argued.
“We literally went on a date yesterday, I took you to an expensive restaurant how the hell could you have misunderstood that?” Akutagawa asked with clear disbelief in his voice.
“I thought that was a thing friends did? It’s not weird to invite your friends out to dinner.” Atsushi argued and Akutagawa just sighed in response.
“I’m literally holding your hand right now and we’ve done that before.” The other stated.
“I saw people that weren’t dating hold hands before, I assumed you meant it like that” Atsushi said as he hesitantly looked back up, he was completely red by now embarrassment flowed through every inch of his body.
“I told you that I loved you before,” Akutagawa pointed out.
“I thought… you meant it platonically? You know like a ‘bro’ sort of thing…” The silver-haired male said.
“Oh my fucking god, you can’t be serious.” He said. “All this time- you thought I was being friendly?”
“…yes?” he hesitantly answered.
Akutagawa looked at him in pure disbelief which made him die of shame right there and there. A few seconds later Atsushi was startled when the other started laughing at how stupid the entire situation was, it only made Atsushi get redder in the face.
“Don’t laugh at me! How was I supposed to know?!” He said which just made Akutagawa laugh harder. Atsushi buried his face in his hands and groaned.
After a minute Akutagawa calmed down, only chuckling slightly now with a mocking smile on his face. “Oh my god- I knew you were oblivious but to be that point? You’re too much Weretiger.”
“Shut up! Stop mocking me or I'll cry” Atsushi mumbled making Akutagawa chuckle. “I wanna bury myself and never come back out, this is humiliating ”
“Don’t be dramatic, you’ll live.” Akutagawa said and patted his head.
Atsushi sat back up straight and looked at Akutagawa who was still smiling, it was rare to see him genuinely laugh or smile like that and it warmed Atsushi’s heart even though he still felt extremely embarrassed.”
“You know when you started talking about how you’ve been ‘thinking about us’ earlier I thought you were about to break up with me.” Akutagawa admitted. “To think you were trying to ask me out instead, I’ll tease you about this for the rest of your life”
“God, kill me now,” Atsushi grumbled and Akutagawa reached to hold his hand again. “Does this mean you’re my boyfriend?”
“Thought I’ve been that for a few weeks but yes, it does,” Akutagawa answered.
“I can’t believe we’ve been dating for weeks - I mean we never even kissed or anything it’s no wonder I didn’t figure it out.”
“I assumed you wanted to take it slow and I feel like inviting you over at my house should’ve been enough of a hint, but whatever you say,” Akutagawa answered. “Well do you want to kiss me now then?”
“Right here?” Atsushi said looking around the cafe, no one was sitting around them but even so it made him nervous.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Akutagawa said in a serious tone.
“No, it’s fine I’m just… nervous it’s my first time,” Atsushi admitted.
“Then I have to make sure to make it worth your while hmm?” Akutagawa said cupping his face before leaning in, and pressing their lips together.
If he didn’t understand why people kissed before, now he definitely did. The sensation of the other’s lips against his was more than enjoyable and he wouldn’t mind doing it again, and again.
When Akutagawa leaned back Atsushi surprised him by leaning back in stealing a second kiss, this one lasted a bit longer but he eventually pulled back, slightly out of breath.
“Was that…okay?” Atsushi hesitantly asked.
“That was more than okay,” Akutagawa said softly smiling at him and Atsushi smiled back.
He truly was worrying about nothing when he thought the other was going to reject him.