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“And I have never been so in love with something, with someone, as with you. You gave me the chance to love and be loved. ”
15th of November, 1990.
The sky seems to glow from each star, they shine like diamonds, stars are burning brightly, like candles, even a fire, something more than all this.
More than mankind can imagine, and how they lean to the edge of the sky, to the edge of the trees, disappear behind their crowns, which are whispering something to each other, and they're standing in silence, only sometimes leaves rustle, and the damp drops fall onto the ground, breaking into crystal particles, separating from each other.
And the moon, yellow, white, and a bit of blue, illuminates the ground a little, but now it has become something the brightest, replaces any lantern – and it is also silent, everything is frozen, stands and doesn't move, as if it is necessary, as it should be .
Somewhere in the distance the wind rises, forcing the crowns of trees to bend, and drops fall down, imitating a little rain, and only this fills the silence, dark: is impenetrable, which presses and draws everything into itself, gradually, slowly, as if it likes it: slowly delaying that hellish pleasure…
And again, now, there's only stillness, no sound, no bird on the tree, everything is silent.
It has become like this for a year now, after His death, everything is frozen and will never move as before, as everything was – it will never come back. And He knows it, He doesn't want to live like this—in memories, constantly reliving the same moments, but only this helps to reinforce the pleasure of revenge.
Revenge must always be cold as snow, even colder than that, and He is ready to sacrifice everything for it, only to realize that They are finally dead, they are gone and they, Salamancas, will never be able to hurt anyone else, to destroy someone's life. As they had destroyed theirs.
The bridge was the first place where he and Max were close to each other, when they first showed their feelings and love,where He felt something He didn't seem to have felt for years with other people. It sounds a bit silly, but fortunately, it is true.
The quiet whispering of everything around starts again, it seems, as soon as Gustavo starts to approach the place where he was first happy, no, even feeling pure happiness, love, and comfort. And he's been going there for months now, and talking to Max as if he were there again, standing there, holding his hand: Maximino seemed a little afraid, but at the same time held it with love, with warmth, even tenderness.
Gus would do anything to feel that again: to see his dark eyes, the stubble on his face, to touch his neck with his lips, to cook him lunch, to pick him up from the university, and even paying for his tuition seemed like something nice, because he knew that at least Max would be happy; to give gifts every month, just to see that innocent smile that never disappeared from his face.
And coming to the middle of the bridge, Gustavo felt again that emptiness, pain and self-loathing, something slowly devouring, squeezing every organ, but the tears, they never came out of his eyes, they disappeared from that moment, now instead there's only emptiness, and it seemed even worse. You can't do anything about it: you live, and it never goes away, it presses, it is the feeling of guilt , guilt for bringing Max to Salamancas, exactly one year ago. He stood at the edge with his hands on the railing, he had never wanted to smoke so much in his life as he did now: the pain grew into hatred, anger, he wanted to do the worst things in this world to himself, and not to just die: to devour himself with hatred, to be tortured, but would it help? Would it make all the suffering disappear and would Max, his amante, forgive him? Every day was torture, and that's what Gus deserves, what he really wants: to feel pain. Hate. Agony. Torment. Suffering.
And the night stood so still, buzzing with hatred, condemning silence, and memories from their first "date", as they were here, standing and how Gustavo's amante was blushing, as He was talking about stars in the night sky.
Gustavo smiled, smiled to himself and, with that memory of Max, looked into the water, seeing only the white, bright light of the moon, which shimmered a little, glistened.
Gus sighed quietly, trying to remove the feeling of heaviness from his shoulders, but it didn't get any better: Max was still a memory, something that could not be returned, never, ever again and the pain passed through the heart, to the lungs and turned into almost dumb sounds: like laughter, but quieter than that, and not tears, they are vociferous, loud and not even screaming, because there was no strength left for it, rather, strident breathing and a fading smile on his face, which trembled and could disappear at any moment.
The man dipped his hand into his inside coat pocket and pulled out a notebook, the only thing left of his Max, and he still remembered reading it in complete silence, and how he couldn't understand even a word of what was written, but smiled like a child.
Gus spent several weeks "deciphering" each paragraph, and with this he covered his pain, which was so burning, painfully “eating” away at his gut, he had never, never been in so much pain as now, and the sheets still seemed to smell of his perfume: soft and dear, it was the smell of something that could not be let go, and now, this made his stomach twist, the pain spread through a body, through every vein, he wanted to cry again, and again, cry for days, but still, he couldn't.
This river replaced all the tears that ever wanted to pour out. It wasn't getting better, Gustavo lied to himself every day about forgetting someone, forgiving, he pretended that nothing happened, and it was so unbearably painful.
[ … ]
23rd of September,1981
"So, what about the stars? Are we that far away from them? No, it's just that we never become like them, we don't understand them, but at the same time, they acknowledge, appreciate us, even accept, as we are. This is how it is."
The sun was shining softly, quietly setting, even slowly moving to the very edge of the earth and the universe, falling behind the end of the river and getting lost somewhere: but rather gradually, not immediately,drying the wet puddles, after the day's rain; in the pits, near the bridge that crosses from the park, there was soiled water: mixed with all the dirt, sand, and even old concrete, how many years have passed, but here everything remained the same: the same as before, the same as what never changes, like moments in other people's lives.
But something, unfortunately, came to an end: as always, the old is replaced by the new, and in Chile it was the same: instead of withered trees there were now lanterns: black with delicate patterns on the side, quite similar to flowers: bluebells.
Everything was buzzing again, in the evening, when people hurried somewhere and didn't stay together, when the sun continued to set further, and the clouds covered the last rays,the water ran so fast, as if pouring back and forth, swayed, endured painfully, moaned, under the bridge there was always someone sitting, throwing garbage, something like newspapers, which went further and dissolved in the water, slowly sank,then clogged somewhere in the pipes, like other dirt; trees swayed a little from the warm evening breeze that blew and raised dust to the sky, it looks, like it's going to the new and so small stars, to the moon and further, to other planets, but it flew, fell, raised again and circled, especially if it was summer.
Ah yes, the summer that was unbearable for people who hadn't lived in Chile all their lives, so warm, even hot and when all the clothes stuck to body, when insects buzzed above the ear and the streets were full of people, there every summer seems special, but the evenings became more empty and children ran home: to their parents, to their mothers and fathers, to their grandparents.
To everyone, they were considered normal and “native“.
Gustavo was sitting in the center of the park itself, which looked better than the rest of it, it was green, surrounded by people's attention, even the fountain was cleaned, but somewhere at the very bottom were pennies, coins of tourists and people who passed by, staring and making wishes, just what they wanted more, and He wondered if it ever worked? Did it help them to come true faster and appear in the life of the one who made it?
The man sat up straight, kept his shoulders perfectly back and seemed to be looking somewhere into the unknown, just didn't even move and didn't speak, didn't blink, just looked nervously at the clock. Will Max come? Will he appear here? The moment, when they saw each other, met, was an accident and yet, the two of them didn't spend so much time together, but Gus liked to listen to his amante , and his heart was beating fast, almost stopped when Max asked him something, or smiled, shifting his eyes when he touched his arm jokingly and then burst into laughter, told how the days and nights pass, how he can't sleep and goes out to look at the stars, Gustavo was so much in love that he put every detail of him in his diary and wrote down his mood, behavior, added special things, that he hadn't noticed before, and Max was always warm to others, always smiling, never behaved like a silent, cold person, quite the opposite, especially when it was Gustavo.
Max was again 5 minutes late and as soon as the man wanted to notice it again in his daily record, so He appeared.
He was dressed in simple clothes, some carelessly ironed shirt and an old jacket on top, a tie that was a little loosely tied, and he looked at the man with eyes full of love and at the same time with fear, with a blush on cheeks, a little wide smile, he would stretch out his hand, shake it and look at him again, blushing even more with each meeting.
— Max, you're late again, aren't you? — Gustavo said patiently, getting up from the bench. — Yes, I'm sorry, I'm always late. You gave me a letter last time and suggested we meet here, I'm grateful.
Max swallowed nervously, put his hand in his pocket and handed the letter to the man. — I'll read it later, do you mind? — Gustavo said.
— Of course not, don't worry about it, it's fine. And… How was your day today, Gustavo?
— You know, we've seen each other before, so, you can just call me Gus, it's okay. — Max nodded his head and gestured to walk a little further, out of the seat; they really looked like two teenagers, looking at each other a little; Gustavo continued to smile at him in the same friendly way.
Max – he looked special, not like the others, everything about him seemed perfect, his interest in chemistry, despite his slightly untidy appearance, he smelled of perfume that made Gustavo weak; and it was not just his appearance, his behavior.
He could always recognize him, his Maximino from the back, see him in the crowd, feel him, and again fight the unbearable desire to touch him, kiss him and at least hold his hand; his hair color seemed special, his skin tone, eyes, lips, even eyelashes: all of this was particular, always, so dear and irreplaceable, the whole world, the whole life, and he was ready to sacrifice everything that was and will be, just to be in his arms, to feel his warm breath, his gaze, the soft hair on his head, his hands, at least on himself, to touch him and kiss him for days, never to let go, just for the sake of always having him here. So that he could never disappear.
— You know, I've been thinking a lot about why you decided to come here. And, I have no idea, to be honest! — Maximino was noticeably nervous this time, and the man observed it immediately after the meeting: he had never been so anxious about anything, someone, something was definitely wrong.
— I like this place, despite the fact that I rarely come here. Believe me, it's very beautiful in the evenings and nights. And, I notice you're nervous, what's wrong?
— All is fine, no, even perfect, it's just that I am constantly late for our meetings, and I am incredibly embarrassed in front of you, very! And I want to improve, but at the same time I don't know how to. – Max tried to remove that frightened face and continued to smile, but Gus didn't believe him, not even going to, he saw that with him was something more, something was certainly wrong, but Maximino hid it, didn't even make a hint, just said the first thing that comes to mind.
The wind ruffled Max's hair, gently laying it, stroking and lifting the end of his jacket up, slightly pushing it out, then dropping it again, and the lanterns lit up the tip of his nose so that the rest of his face was dark, like the night itself,how beams of them, these lanterns, danced gently in his eyes, how they overflowed, disappeared, appeared again and were unusually beautiful, just now.
Max's hand trembled gently in the cool breeze, his fingertips were frozen and cold, and a sense of tension appeared for the first time between them; he slowly moved his hand closer to Gustavo's and touched it lightly, he ran it over his little finger, with lightness and softness, some weakness, weariness, warmth, Gus wanted to respond in kind, but then Maximino changed the subject, he spoke suddenly and abruptly, finally breaking the silence between them.
— I wanted to suggest that you go to the bridge, not far from here, and if we go straight ahead, we'll soon reach it. You can see the stars from there, I think even every one of them –
The stars… They were indeed already shining in all their glory, far up in the sky, glimmering, glittering, and brightening the whole night with their light, stayed right at the very top, leaning across the skyline, it felt as if one of them was getting brighter, someone slowly fading and never appearing again in the starry sky, they were special, but held together always with each other, their empty loneliness was filling up, gradually disappearing, all of them were once abandoned, deserted, forsaken even but now reunited again, leaving white traces in the sky…
[ … ]
The silence filled all the surrounding space, it seemed that it was endless, never-ending, it hummed quietly, but constantly changed its tone, from light to more negative, and the thoughts in the head of Gustavo and Max began quite the same “What if…” and the fear settled somewhere – in chest, at the very bottom, near the heart, and was beating, wanted to come out, but couldn't, there was a huge lump in the throat, and then everything was quiet, peaceful again, so intolerable, so silent that you wanted to run away from it all, somewhere, maybe to that bridge, about which Maximino spoke, and from there, closing your ears, look at the soothing water, which was floating and tossing the stars in a light “dance”.
— You often look at the stars, don't you, Max?
— Yes, I like to watch them shine, even more than the gold on the sun, they're special in their own way, just like you and me now. Different… yes, very different, if you understand. — Max swallowed nervously again and moved closer to Gus, he wanted to give him a hint, at least some, to get an answer immediately, the fear came not only from the refusal, but from the possible reaction: he could get hurt, as in the past times humiliated, made to eat dirt, chew, gnash his teeth in pain, but to keep quiet, as always it was necessary.
He was well aware of the consequences and was afraid of them: he considered himself, as if, abnormal, not as he should be, and always wanted to escape from the opportunity to love, it didn't bring pleasure and the promise of “easy awe”, only hatred for himself; Max hated the opportunity to love, but always wanted to be loved , and didn't care who he would be considered, he just wanted to be himself in the arms of a loved one, to feel safe, comfortable and some contentment.
And so, the two of them approached the bridge, held reverently close to each other, in complete silence, waiting…
The bridge was somewhat old, dark, rather black-brownish, but so pleasant that you wanted to be there forever, and the river was murmuring as it was always unique in its sound, its special „lullaby“ calmed Max, he wanted to be just there, always, near it, there were always fewer people, and why not to allow yourself just to be alone? With his thoughts, with everything that had accumulated, even though it was difficult to accept, absolutely impossible, but in order to achieve something, you must always fight for it.
Now they stood together, right here, right in the middle and listened to the sound of the river, as if it was telling its own story, just like the stars have their own.
Gustavo sighed, put his hand on the cold railing, and looked at Max, directly into his eyes, with a lightness, a certain confidence, but still - with care.
– It's really pleasing here, I never thought that we have such a beautiful place, you often come here, don't you?
– I do. Sometimes everybody needs to be alone with himself, and... I don't even know why I chose this place, I don't know how I found it. – Maximino jerked his shoulders and did what Gus did: put his hand on the railing , smiled sweetly at the man, ready to begin the conversation.
– Were you interested in astronomy?
– No, never, but where I lived the stars seemed to be the brightest ever, as if they were not stars, but diamonds... – Max lowered his head slightly and moved his hand closer to the man's hand, a little, slowly, cautiously, and still he continued to speak,
– You see there, there are three bright stars in the sky, as if they were burning? – Gustavo waved his head affirmatively, smiling broadly. – And now, if you look up a little higher, there should be a line parallel to it, the same line, do you see the resemblance to the man? It's like, this is his belt, here. – Max pointed a finger, a little to the side, then down. – It's the constellation Orion, the son of Poseidon and Euryale Oceanide, and I haven't seen one confirmed, no, generalized version of his death. You can imagine, some say it's because of a scorpion, some because of a bow... I talk too much, don't I? – Max filled his chest full of air and touched the hand of the man standing next to him, stroking a little with his fingertips. His skin was incredibly soft, so warm, as if it was the definition of peace, love and pure tenderness.
Gustavo seemed to reciprocate, he took his hand, even tighter and, while Max exhaled, touched his shoulder, running his hand along the neck; it seems that this moment was so irreplaceable, even unique and especial in itself, that the two couldn't believe that this was happening to them now: the two of them standing on the bridge, holding hands, and it seems that all the time can wait, that now they are alone, looking at each other and smiling slightly, not wanting to break the silence between them. Maximino nervously exhaled again, moved a little closer to Gus, trembling fingers touching his face, blush burned on the face, even flamed, and his heart was beating faster than ever, but fear indescribably vividly disappeared, only the desire to touch only His lips, never let go and with ease, smile, always, to devote their whole life only to each other.
– Let me, I... – Without even letting Gustavo finish, Max kissed him, taking hold of the man's waist, smiling slightly, breathing and doing everything with cautiousness.
The air was so warm at this moment that even the chilly nights in Chile couldn't cool it down and make it not so fresh as it was now, the whole world was now theirs, just theirs and no one else's. The stars were whispering one to another as always, watching the two lovers.
17th of March, 1982
"I will always be with you and for you, regardless of the circumstances: whether it's separation or death, you mean more to me than just love."
March in Chile was especially cool, it was considered part of the fall season.
That season when the leaves slowly fall to the ground, spinning a little, rotating in their beat, flying far away, and then lingering in the air, falling to the ground and mixing with the dirt, the old shriveled grass, and with eternal downpours that came so often here: quite wet they sometimes rose from sharp, overnight gusts of wind, flying and falling to the ground again, it was a cycle, and every leaf, until every last one, went through this until the trees were bare, cold and frozen.
Rivers were getting darker, quite gray, occasionally in the morning covered with a thin layer of ice, paths were lost somewhere between the yellowish layers of vegetation, and clouds accumulated in some places, mixed together, covered the clear autumn sky, sun peeked out from behind them, and then hid again somewhere, making the whole Santiago dark, gray and slightly gloomy, embellished with „gold“ leaves from trees, chilly damp ground and raindrops.
The rain fell on the roofs of the flats with all its strength, pouring and overflowing, passing through pipes, drains, pavement, wherever it could reach, and then disappearing again, appearing once every two days, slightly changing the overcast days of the city.
— And I… was a little confused, to be honest. — Max lowered his tired head slightly, held it with a few fingers, and grinned to himself, looking down at the floor again. — It was so easy, can you imagine? I should have been more careful, rather unprofessional on my part, but, on the other hand, everyone make mistakes. — He covered his eyes and leaned back on the couch, rubbing his temples with his hands, gently, with calmness on his face, putting his hand on the handle of the couch;
– You have to look at everything from both sides, don't blame yourself, it's not a bad mistake, everyone make them. – Gustavo smiled and, after he breathed slowly, continued, – To be honest with you, this is something I could never solve, so don't be angry at yourself, I believe in you and support your every decision. –
Maximino sometimes looked at his shadow with a kind of relief and watched it moving from side to side, slowly shifting into different figures, disappearing, reappearing and freezing, as if it was watching him – and in the whole room there was complete soundless, only the quiet breathing of the two men could be heard, as if they were afraid to speak, even more, shy and silent, but it was not that awkward silence even a minute of it, quite on the contrary, no one was in a hurry to start a conversation, they were enjoying each other, in an extraordinary amorousness that no one seems to have ever experienced, that their hands were near each other, but not touching.
— Can I continue, if I may? — Suddenly Max asked, smiling incongruously at Gustavo's side, gently running his hand along the sofa.
— Of course, I'm ready to listen to you all day and all night, Maximino, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. — And a happy smile appeared on his face, and his eyes, filled with love, moved to the glass of whiskey, from which Gustavo had recently drunk, and then to his own, comparing them with each other, looking for topics to talk about.
— I've never been as, you know, calm as here, next to you, as if I were in some kind of balloon, or under a shield and I,for the first time in my entire life,really don't care about the world around me, about what others say to me. And, to be honest, I've never experienced this; it's something new for me, rather unusual. — And Max himself didn't understand what he was saying, as if all his words came directly from his heart into his mouth, then they flew out through his lips, slowly, without even reconsidering what he had said, but the main question was whether he regretted what he had said? Sometimes it is better to keep silent, but here, these words come from the soul, and he didn't want to hold them back, perhaps it was the effect of alcohol, and yet He wanted to tell Gus all that was inside, in his heart, soul and mind.
Gustavo took his amante hand, lightly squeezed it in his own, and smiled warmly, looking into his eyes, searching for an answer to all his questions, which somewhere in the depths of his soul touched every cell of his body, tortured, but it was harder to voice them, their eyes crossed, looking at each other, and heart in the chest was ready to jump out, temples seemed to throb, and in the throat there was a lump of excitement.
The man held his hand to Maximino's forearm, gently, with love and care, without any desire to harm him, and he didn't know what he was doing, but he wanted to do it. Wanted to breathe the smell of Max, feel his hair, tangled it in his fingers, kiss him, to be near and only with him, even, to devote his life only to him.
– Sorry, that was totally inappropriate, I'm drunk, so don't take my words lightly...– Gus, without letting him finish, delicately touched his face with his lips, slightly holding his head with a hand, slowly ran fingers along his neck, as if enjoying Max: every inch of his body and, with a burning desire to not let him go, kissed him again, leisurely watching the reaction: the young man's face was covered with a blush, so bright, like a shade of the very autumn sunsets in Chile, and his eyes sparkled exactly like a shining night moon, his hands trembled slightly with excitement, finger tips were cool, but he didn't want to stop right now, no, even they liked enjoying each other;
Maximino answered him, stroking his back and kissing it lightly in return, he touched Gustavo's hair, gently untangling it, patting, running his fingers over, softly, with care, while the man went slightly lower, to the neck and again, touching it, he breathed out the rest of the air, turning the gaze to Max, waiting for his reaction.
Max was indescribably beautiful, to look at him, at his sweet face, it seemed to be a sheer pleasure, his skin was as if made of silk, and a bright blush decorated him as much as it was possible, his heart was still beating rapidly, every beat could be heard even by the naked ear; his hair lay awkwardly, it changed position slightly, but it looked as soft as one could imagine, it gleamed from the old lamps and candles around, and its dark color shimmered into a slightly brownish, cheekbones and the angle of his face were always recognizable, from a million, even a billion people Gus would always be able to identify them: quite a bit sharp, but yet as always – beautiful, even more than that, and as his smile shining on his face slowly turned into a smirk, and the little dimples on his cheeks became more visible to the eye, and the stubble near his chin,which was only just growing looked so beautiful and complemented him, His Maximino, and he was like a walking rescue for Gustavo, because just one look helped to relax, to feel as if at home, as if safe, indeed, as He had noticed: under a safe shield.
Maximino shuddered when he felt the warm breath near his neck, and the shivers ran down his skin, he raised his eyebrows confusedly and kissed Gus on the forehead, running his fingers along the cheek, holding man by the chin and gently covering every inch of his face with kisses, Gustavo's hands embraced the body of the young man lying next to him, slowly touching him, going behind his clothes, pressing closer, as if squeezing him and leaving light traces on his skin, they were both silent, just breathing lightly one by one.
They were so weak one to another that they couldn't even imagine that someone or something would interfere with them now, they, just the two of them, just in one moment loved each other, and every organ inside trembled with impatience, their stomachs twisted with excitement, and their hands grew cold with every action and touch,the two of them were afraid to hurt each other, to make each other uncomfortable or even injure, so they acted as slowly as possible, and their soft, uncertain actions seemed lovely from the outside, and to some it may seem strange, but did they really care about that? They were in the same room, in the same apartment, and now nothing could interrupt the moment of pleasure;
Gustavo again kissed the man on the neck, slightly moved his other hand to Max's leather belt and ran his fingers over it, feeling every part of Maximino, his warm, husky, intermittent breathing with a confused, frightened look, such beautiful eyes, brownish hue and pressed lips, Gus,, with a tart pleasure ran his hand over the inner side of his thigh, while continuing to caress lips all over the young man's body, it felt like it was burning, warm, hot, like fire from a candle, and he quietly, even calmly restrained himself, closing his eyes, without uttering a word in the process.
Gus wanted to give him pleasure, and at the same time to show his love, tenderness, care, wanted to reassure Max, who was so innocently lying beside him, even under him, breathing quietly.
There was a silence between them, which was so comfortable that they didn't want to interrupt it at all: just look at each other all day long and remember every part of their faces, touch each other, to know every line, every inch and every particle, to sense and feel this affection, this warmth inside their breasts.
- I love you, my dear Max. –Man whispered quietly, He was undescribably pleasing, like that night, when he showed the Orion constellation, brightly glimmering in the dark, night sky.
But still, it was a memory , the only one that replayed in his head like an old film, fading, freezing with each passing moment and going to that second,the minute of his last breath, when he bled out on the Gustavo's eyes and how his frightened gaze faded, completely disappearing in an instant.
The diary was still in his hands, clenched as tightly as possible, the man's fingers clamped down on it, not letting go of what was gradually slipping away, and every day the feeling of guilt grew, every time he came here, his rejection, his acceptance of what had happened grew, and the agony burning in his chest became stronger, exploding and falling, and the tears, the desire to cry them out disappeared altogether and dissolved into thin air.
It was he who was to blame, and only he, and how he would like to see his dear lover again, his native amante and his slightly frizzy hair and his eyes, nose, hands, voice - all that would be enough for satisfaction and complete peace, as if he were humbled by his death, and the yellowed pages of his diary would gradually smooth out, not making rustles every evening.
Humility. Was it salvation for Gustavo, or was it the opposite, complete despair? He couldn't, and never would, until he saw every Salamanca bleeding, begging for forgiveness and accepting their own sins, no, they deserved not mercy, but torture, daily, until they were extinct, with no end in sight.
The pain in his chest, hunger for revenge, grew, gradually drowning out the feeling of guilt: it was everyday, and trying to keep everything under control, the man put the diary into his inner pocket, where he got it, pressed his lips, fixed his glasses with cold fingers, slowly walked to the other end of the bridge, looking at the distant, blue and white stars, looking for that constellation, the constellation of Orion, that Maximino showed him once. It was visible again, as on the day of their first kiss, and he was leaning over the endless sky and as if it was looking at Gus, while the stars were still whispering one to another, discussing his suffering, total rejection and hatred, they were shining with understanding, without judgment, glittering somewhere far away, and the light clouds were floating just above the river, leaving traces and reflections somewhere deep in the fuzzy, faint waves of Chile.
The end.