Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dear Tori, 

Millie and I are safe. The cottage we found is warm and comfortable. I just had to get away from Mum. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay with Dad and Olly, Millie should have her Abuelo and Uncle Olly, but I couldn’t raise Millie around her. Not unless something changes. I hope you understand.

Wish you were here,

Love Charlie

Charlie unclipped the baby capsule from the base, tucking the blanket more firmly around Millie’s tiny body. It wouldn’t do for her to catch a chill before he even registered with the local GP. Straightening, he lifted the capsule out of the car, knocking the car door shut with his hip, before surveying the cottage in front of him. 

Cottage wasn’t really the right word. Cottage conjured up ideas of old wisteria-covered stone buildings, with open fireplaces and a chimney that smoked. This was a neat and tidy modern two-bedroom semi-detached house. It was advertised to be warm and comfortable, and not at all a risk to the respiratory health of a six week old infant.

He glanced at his watch as Millie started to stir, and hefting the baby bag more securely on his shoulder headed for the side door. The rental agent had said the front door stuck a little bit, and it wasn't a problem most of the time, but that he would need to get ‘the knack’ to be able to open it efficiently. As he jiggled the key in the lock, inadvertently jiggling Millie he glanced down at her. Her face was crumpled in the way he had learnt meant her nappy was about to be filled, and her tummy was bound to be feeling a bit empty after sleeping all the way here. 

The cottage was clean and tidy, and fully furnished as advertised. Or fully furnished for an adult, but he had stopped at an Argos on the way. The portacot would do for the short term, and it would probably, hopefully, fit into his bedroom. Charlie placed the capsule in the middle of the living room, and busied himself boiling the kettle and fiddling with the thermostat. He just managed to put together a bottle before Millie started whimpering.

“Shhhh. Baby girl. I’ve got you.” he cooed, pulling Millie out of the capsule. He sniffed cautiously around her rear, before wrapping her up warmly in the blanket. She blinked up at him, scrubbing her face with her hands. She grizzled a bit, then her entire body scrunched and relaxed moments before she started to cry. “Sweetie it’s OK. I’m here.” Scanning the room he chose a corner furthest from any door to reduce the chance of a breeze and swiftly stripped her lower half and replaced the nappy before bundling her back up again.

Cuddling her with one arm, he fished in the nappy bag for the wrap, suppressing memories of Michael showing him how to use it with a teddy, as he positioned it around his body and snuggled Millie into it. Hands free he went in search of the bathroom. Sanitizer did the job in a pinch, but he never really felt clean after changing a nappy until he had found soap and water. 

Finally making it back to the kitchen and assembling a bottle, he rearranged Millie on his chest, tucking the teat into her mouth. Millie was a reluctant eater. Charlie could empathise with that, but it did mean she took a long time to get through a bottle. He roamed the house, acquainting himself with their new home, for the next year at least. Unless Mum turned up and made it untenable to stay here. 

The two bedrooms were small but comfortable, and there would be enough room for the Portacot in the bigger one, as long as he pushed the bed up against the wall. Millie would sleep in the room with him for the time being. He wasn’t going to be separated from her, he wasn’t going to lose her like he had her mother if there was anything he could do about it. There was a shower, no bath, but he could bathe Millie in the laundry tub for now, and when she was a bit bigger he would work something out.  Milliey was done with her bottle so he dropped it in the kitchen sink and started making multiple trips out to the car to collect their bags, and the groceries he had picked up on the way. 

He kept himself busy. 

Dusk fell, Millie took another bottle. He prepared the bottles for overnight, and heated up a microwave meal for himself. The heating had perked up now, and he felt comfortable enough with the temperature to strip Millie down to bathe her before bed. He laid a towel out on the kitchen table with a nappy and pyjamas ready, and triple checked he had everything prepared. This was the first time he had bathed her alone. Not for lack of willingness, but he was damned if he was going to stuff this up. He couldn’t let himself stuff this up. 

Millie was an adorable child, and relaxed in the water, moving her arms around. He gently wiped her down, a washcloth on her tummy to keep her warm, rubbing between her fingers, and remembering to check for dried milk behind her ears. Pulling a towel from over his shoulder he wrapped her up and pulled the plug, heart in his throat as he transferred the slippery little bundle to the prepared table. Holding one hand on her tummy, just in case she rolled for the first time, he stretched to turn the kettle on ready to prepare her bedtime bottle.

Charlie cuddled her close as he turned off all the lights, checked the doors, then climbed the stairs. Her portacot was pushed up next to his bed, near his head where he could easily check on her in the night.  He cleared his throat. It was too much to sing, but he could tell stories.

“Have I told you how you got your name?” he started, “Mummy and Daddy were so excited. Well Daddy was. Mummy wasn’t one to show her excitement about much, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t there.”

“Uncle Charlie! Look at this!” Michael threw an arm around his freshly minted brother-in-law, and held a small photo print-out in front of his face.

“I will just as soon as you stop waving it around.” Charlie said. “Hold still. Wait? Uncle Charlie? Is that?”

“I’m pregnant.” Tori said. 

Charlie blinked. “For Real?” He grabbed Michael’s hand and held it steady in front of him. “That’s yours? I’m going to be an Uncle? Is this behind the sudden wedding? ‘Cause you know it’s not necessary these days?”

“It is for the kid to be acknowledged as a Holden.” Michael said grimly. “My mother is rather old-fashioned that way. Getting married makes very little difference to us, but will save little Ozy or Millie a lifetime of mild verbal abuse for being born on the wrong side of the blankets.”

“Ozy or Millie? Are those the names you’re going with?”

“Michael read a comic back in the day. It made an impression. So yes, Ozymandias or Millicent.”

“Percy Bysshe Shelley’s “Look on my works ye mighty and despair?” Charlie asked incredulously. “Bit of a hefty name for a kid.”

“Things may be easier on the child if it’s female.” Tori acknowledged.

“You don’t know the comic.” Michael defended. “So Ozy is an arctic fox who was adopted by a dragon, and Millie is his best friend, also a fox, but a red fox. Llewellyn, the dragon, has been around forever ‘cause dragons live ages, and is quite eccentric, Ozy is very calm and measured and zen, and Millicent is an agent of chaos, and there’s social commentary and stuff.” Michael levelled a finger at Charlie. “You need to read it. You will like it. And little Ozy or Millie will need their godfather to be familiar with it.”

“Godfather? I’m hardly religious.” Charlie protested.

“Eh, nor are we, but the point of the Godparent is to raise the kid with good values. You can do that.” Michael bounced. 

Charlie lay awake on the bed above Millie’s cot listening to her breathing. He listened to each snort, and snuffle, letting the tears roll down his face in grief.

Chapter Text

Dear Tori,

It’s been a week since I left Mum and Dad’s. Millie and I are doing well. We’re developing a rhythm to our life. I’ve registered with the GP and the health visitor came. Millie’s holding her head up now and I think I got a smile the other day. A real one, not just gas. The neighbour in the other half of the cottage is a single lady I think. At least I haven't seen anyone else. She has a friendly face so hopefully she’ll be a good neighbour to have. 

Wish you were here,

Love Charlie.

Sarah Nelson prided herself on not being that nosy busybody stereotype of women her age. She was perfectly aware that people had private lives and that they were entitled to have that privacy without the neighbours butting their noses in. That’s why when she noted she had new neighbours, she didn’t immediately introduce herself. She wasn’t going to ignore them, but she would give them time to settle in a bit before she introduced herself. 

It had been a week since she had noticed someone coming and going, that was long enough to settle in, but not so long as to seem like it was an afterthought. Sarah shut the door behind her, and made the six steps needed to move from her front door, to the neighbours, then rapped smartly on the door.

“Just a minute.” A voice called. The door rattled then a tall, almost gaunt young man with dark curly hair poked his head around the door. “Hello?”

“Hi. I’m Sarah. I live next door.” She indicated the other side of the stoop. “I thought it would be neighbourly to introduce myself. We do share a wall after all.” The man blinked and opened the door a bit further allowing her to see the baby cradled in his other arm. “Oh, you do have a baby, how lovely. I wasn’t sure if I was hearing things, Nellie and Henry make all sorts of noises.” The man’s face was a bit confused. “They’re my dogs.”

“Oh, right. Um. I’m Charlie, and this is Millie.” He indicated the baby. 

“Is that short for Millicent?” she said.

“Uh yeah, Millicent Victoria.” Charlie confirmed. “Um… did you want to come for a cup of tea? I’m sorry, I’m new at this meeting neighbours thing.”

“And you’re probably lacking a bit of sleep too, if I remember time with tiny babies correctly.” She felt it was prudent not to mention the deep circles under his eyes. “A cup of tea would be lovely, but why don’t you come over to mine? It’s a bit rude to impose on you just walking up to your door. And the dogs can learn your and Millie’s scent. They’ll bark less that way.”

“Oh, uh sure. Yeah, that would be nice.” Charlie reached back and grabbed his keys off a hook and a baby bag from the floor underneath and locked the door behind him. If Sarah thought it was a bit much when walking a few steps away she didn’t say anything.

Charlie followed Sarah into her living room noting it was a mirror image of his and Millie’s, but much more lived in and decorated. “Take a seat, I’m just going to put the kettle on.” 

Sarah kept half an eye on the living room noting as Charlie sat down on the very comfortable sofa, tucking Millie into his side as he rested his arm on the rest. He looked around the room seeing a multitude of photos, squinting a little to make out what was in them. 

“That’s my grandson Pierre. My son David, that’s him there, married a Frenchwoman, Amalie, they live in Paris. Pierre must be so much bigger now than he is in that photo.” There was a touch of melancholy in her tone. “And that’s my Nicky.” She pointed at the other man, this one holding a dog not a baby. Charlie paid polite interest with glazed over eyes.

“So Charlie, what would you like to tell me about yourself?” Sarah said, perking up. Charlie blinked at the question but brushed it off as she handed him a mug of tea. “Is it just you and Millie?”

“Yeah, ah, Tori, she…It’s just us now.”

“Oh you poor dear that’s rough.  Well once you get to know me I hope you won’t hesitate to ask for help, even if you just need someone to pick up your Tesco order. Or an extra pint of milk,” Sarah patted his hand. “I actually work only a block over from Tesco, so if nothing else you should let me do that for you.” 

Charlie looked at her with wide eyes. Sarah wondered where he had come from that such a simple offer was met with the obvious disbelief painted over his face.

“And losing someone can be overwhelming, especially when it’s unexpected, which I expect Millie’s mother was. If you have days where you get a bit stuck, that’s normal, remember that.” 

“I can’t get stuck.” Charlie murmured, thinking of how Tori had just stopped having any interest in anything after Michael died.

“What was that dear?”

“I can’t get stuck. Millie doesn’t have anyone else. Just me. I can’t get stuck.” Charlie couldn’t bring himself to say more than that, and just sipped his tea. “I don’t have much experience with grief.” He said eventually with a hitch in his voice. “Just Millie’s father.”

“You’re not Millie’s father?”

“I.. I guess I am.  Now.  Just not… not biologically.” 

Charlie let himself into Tori and Michael’s. “Tori? Are you ready to go?” Michael was on the way back from the Speed Skating World Championships in Korea, so Charlie had offered to accompany Tori to the first of the parents group meetings as moral support. “Tori?”

He walked through the house finally finding Tori in the kitchen. She had her phone in her hand, but wasn’t looking at it, or talking on it, or using it in any way.

“Tori?” Charlie said gently, taking the phone from her hand and setting it on the table before gently taking her hand in his.

“He’s gone.”

“Who’s gone?”

“That was the airline. He’s gone.”

“Tori, I don’t understand.” 

Her eyes were dead. “The plane crashed. There were no survivors. Michael’s gone.” 

Charlie knelt by her chair and hugged her closely. Tori crumpled into his embrace. He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that. Long enough for his legs to go to sleep and his back to ache. That didn’t matter. His big sister needed him, and he was there.

 

Charlie didn’t leave Tori’s side for the remainder of her pregnancy. He met the midwife with her. He took her to the lawyers to sort out Michael’s estate, and he helped her when the executor encouraged her to write a will. He met with the funeral director, and Michael’s mother. Tori never emerged from the numbness she had fallen into with that phone call. 

She had never been the most demonstrative of people, but Charlie had always known that when Tori loved, she loved deep, and she loved hard. Michael had been her person. He had been her person since she was seventeen. Tori didn’t know how to function anymore in the absence of her person. 

All Charlie could do was hope that baby Ozy or Millie, whichever the baby turned out to be, would be enough to reignite Tori’s interest in life.

 

 

Charlie rested his head on the back of Sarah’s sofa, closing his eyes, she could see him fighting tears. Sarah took the mug from his hand, and took it to the kitchen giving him a moment. When she returned tears were streaming down his face, eyes still closed. Sarah made faces at baby Millie, still snugly ensconced in Charlie’s arm, waiting patiently for Charlie to come back to the conversation.

“Ooo, she smiled.” Sarah exclaimed, beaming at Millie, then up at Charlie. Charlie didn’t move, Sarah watched him for a minute. He was asleep. Poor mite. He must be exhausted, babies were tiring at the best of times, and the midst of grief, for what sounded like two people, if she had pieced his story together correctly, was not the best of times. Looking at the two of them, Millie’s eyes now drooping, Sarah nodded to herself, and set about moving cushions into place to support Charlie to support Millie. He needed the sleep, she’d just leave him to it.

She was in the kitchen when she heard it. A strangled “Millie!” 

“She’s fine.” Sarah swiftly moved into sight. “She woke with a wet bottom, so I took care of it. You looked like you needed the sleep. I was just putting the kettle on then was going to wake you. She’s been making hungry faces, if I’m interpreting them correctly.” Sarah placed Millie back in Charlie’s arms. “Why don’t you have a cuddle, and reassure yourself, and I can make up her bottle. You just tell me how she likes it.” 

Charlie cuddled Millie close and bent to sniff her head. “I’m sorry, I…shouldn’t have…I shouldn’t have…”

“Pish tosh. You obviously needed the sleep, and Millie slept on you until half an hour ago.” Sarah reassured him. “It was just unfortunate timing that you woke up during the one minute Millie and I were out of sight. Now about that bottle.” Sarah bustled to the kitchen, returning with the kettle. “How does she have it?”

Chapter Text

Dear Tori,

Millie is ever so alert, we go for walks on the beach almost daily, She loves it, waves her little hands in excitement and she’s so so close to rolling over from back to front, She’s starting to get the hang of feeding now. The health visitor says she’s gaining weight well after a slow start. 

Wish you were here,

Love Charlie.

Sarah watched Charlie walk past her cottage, Millie strapped to his chest. For someone she hadn’t known three months ago, she was inordinately proud of how well he was doing. Millie was a very happy and healthy child. She was a little concerned about Charlie’s wellbeing, he put everything he had into Millie and she wasn’t sure he was really letting himself grieve. He still hadn’t said outright what had happened to his sister, but Sarah had her suspicions from the little things he had let slip, and of course there was his brother-in-law’s death shortly before Millie was born. She suspected that he had been so busy taking care of Tori, he hadn’t had a chance to process Michael’s death.

She busied herself in the garden, weeding along the front fence, trying to get on top of the weeds before the warm weather encouraged their growth too much. She had almost finished along one side of the gate when she heard footsteps and looked up with a bright smile. “I was just about to stop for a cuppa. Would you like one?” 

“Yeah, that would be nice. Millie is due for her bottle though. You stay here, I’ll make the tea.” Charlie looked at the infant on his chest, waving her arms at Sarah, and bit his lip. “Would it be ok if I left her with you? Just for a minute while I get the drinks?”

Sarah tried not to smile too widely and scare the poor boy. “I would be delighted. I’m always ready for a Millie cuddle.” She pulled off her gardening gloves and reached towards Millie. Charlie lifted her out of the wrap placing her in Sarah’s arms before he stood back, looking uncertainly between Sarah holding Millie, and his front door.

“We can come with you if you like?” Sarah offered. 

“What no. I’m being silly, she’ll be fine with you.” Charlie said, flustered then quickly turned and let himself into the house. 

Sarah nuzzled Millie “He loves you very much, doesn’t he, your Uncle Charlie. I’m glad you have him.” She turned Millie in her arms and crouched down so she could wave her arm through the flower petals. 

“I’ve got her bottle.” Charlie appeared behind her, lips turning up just a little in the corners at the sight of Millie playing with the flowers.

“That was quick.” Sarah commented. Charlie looked a bit chagrined. She knew he was nervous letting Millie out of his sight, and was honoured that he trusted her. “Do you want me to feed her? You can enjoy your tea while it’s still hot.” 

He hesitated then handed her the bottle. ‘She takes her time.” 

Sarah smiled reassuringly at him and manoeuvred the bottle into Millie’s mouth. “That will be a change. My boys were both gluttons, and were terribly gassy because of it.” She shared, her lips twisting in suppressed laughter. Charlie’s eyes sparkled a little, before returning to their usual depths of sadness. 

They sat silently, companionably, the only sound being the occasional smacking of lips from Millie. Once Charlie finished his tea he took Millie, still slowly working her way through her bottle, in his arms again allowing Sarah to drink hers.

“I’m hosting book club next week. Would you like to come?” Sarah suddenly asked. “You don’t have to have read the book, but I can lend it to you if you want to.”

Charlie looked startled. “But what about Millie?”

“Bring her with you. Half of us are Grandmas who live too far away from our grandchildren. Millie would be most welcome.”

“I don’t know if I’d be very good company.” Charlie admitted.

“Don’t worry about that. No one will expect you to be anything other than what you are.” Sarah paused in consideration. “This particular group was started by three young widows, years ago, their kids are grown now, but they’ve been where you are now.”

“I’m not a widower.” he protested.

“No you’re not, but you are a young man with a baby who has lost someone dear to them.” Sarah said as gently as she could. “Two people, if I’m not mistaken.” 

Charlie opened his mouth to rebut, then closed it. Sarah patted his shoulder. “You think about it. It’s not till next week.”

Tori clung to Charlie’s hand as they wheeled through the hospital, Tori was weak, she’d barely been taking care of herself since news of Michael's death had reached her. Charlie had done the best he could, but she had no interest in food or exercise, eating only when Charlie prompted. The hospital had decided it was better for her to be in a wheelchair than for her to walk to the maternity wing. She reached back over her shoulder to keep in contact with him, like she was afraid she would float away without him acting as an anchor. 

“This way.” Charlie followed the directions of a midwife into a birthing room. “This is Victoria Spring?” Charlie nodded. “Let’s get Mum onto the bed. Dad, you can stand up there.”

“Uncle.”

“Hmmm?”

“Uncle.” Charlie repeated. “Michael’s…Tori is a widow. I’m her brother.” 

“Oh I do apologise. Right big brother, stand up there, and let’s see what’s going on.” Charlie didn’t think it was worth clarifying that Tori was the elder sibling and did as bid, standing just to the side of Tori’s head, giving her his hand to clasp. The midwife covered Tori’s lower half with a sheet and ducked underneath. 

It must have been hours later when there was a faint wail. Tori had barely said a word her entire labour, not even threatening to kill Michael if he wasn’t dead already, as TV and Movies suggested she would. The baby was wrapped up and placed on Tori’s chest, but she turned her head. “Michael should be here,” she whimpered, still clinging to Charlie’s hand.

“Do you want me to take her?” Charlie asked. “Just for now. Till you’re ready,” Tori nodded. Charlie leaned across and carefully picked up the bundle, one hand delicately supporting her neck. “Hey, bubba. I’m your Uncle Charlie.” He sat, baby in one arm, and the other hand in Tori’s, quietly supporting the two most important women in his life. 

“It’s time for the afterbirth.” One of the midwives interrupted. “Support Person, you keep a hold of Baby for this.” Charlie nodded as Tori squeezed his hand tightly, and looked back down at the baby. 

The atmosphere in the room changed causing Charlie to look up. One midwife had crossed to the wall and was pushing the call button repeatedly, the other was still between Tori’s legs, her face grim. Another person ran in, and the midwife made way for them to have a look themselves. There was a clatter and some medical chatter and things were being unplugged from the wall. 

Then they were gone. Charlie was left behind, niece in his arms, as the doors to the birthing suite rocked close.

Sarah came around after work with a pushchair and various other infant paraphernalia. Charlie opened the door, Millie in his arms, and looked at the pile with his mouth hanging open in surprise.

“You didn’t stay long but you made an impression,” she said. “The grandmas had a fossick in their spare rooms and sent you the bits their grandkids have grown out of.” She smiled. “Most of them had duplicates of at least some of the gear for when they visited.”

She looked up at Charlie. There were tears in his eyes as he marvelled at the generosity of strangers. 

Chapter Text

Dear Tori,

I wish you could see Millie on the grass. She’s living up to her Spring heritage and loving the season. Last week I put her on the lawn and she rolled over for the first time so she could grab the grass with her hands. Either that or to see the dogs. I think she’s going to love dogs as much as Olly does. I worry about Olly but I know this decision was right for me and Millie. 

Wish you were here,

Love Charlie .

Charlie reached over the fence to scratch Nellie behind the ears. She was an old dog, Sarah said she was arthritic, but she still plodded over to the fence to look whenever Charlie and Millie were in the garden.

“Hi Charlie. How are you and Millie today?” Sarah smiled at him as she hauled her basket of washing out to the clothesline. 

“We’re good. Millie has been sleeping five hours at a stretch at night. Then going down for another four. I feel like a new man.” 

“I bet you do.” Sarah smiled at him warmly.

Charlie fell silent for a moment, watching Millie grab fistfuls of grass.

“Can I ask for some advice?”

“Of course.”

“What should I do about Olly?”

As the only adult Charlie saw regularly, and one with a sympathetic listening ear, Sarah had become a confidant for Charlie. He chatted with his friends online, but they were living their lives as unencumbered early-twenty-somethings, and no matter how much they wanted to, there were aspects of his new life as a parent they wouldn’t, couldn’t understand. Not until they experienced it themselves.

Sarah saw the day to day of life with an infant, Sarah had lived the day to day of life with an infant. Sarah had swiftly become one of his most trusted people. She also had no contact with anyone in his family, so he felt safe talking to her, knowing there was no way she could let anything slip in such a way that would bring Jane Spring’s wrath down on him. 

Charlie knew that leaving had been the right thing for him and Millie. That he was in a much better place to grieve and to raise Michael and Tori’s daughter in a way of which they would approve, away from his and Tori’s mother. There was no doubt in his mind about that. There was however persistent guilt about leaving Olly. 

Olly had lost his brother-in-law, then his sister, then both his brother and niece over the course of a few months. Tori and Charlie had always tried to be there for Olly, to be there for him, as they had been there for each other. Charlie was painfully aware that Olly must be feeling abandoned despite him still being with their parents. 

Sarah sighed. “I don’t know if there are any good options, Charlie. Not from what you’ve told me. You can either have contact with Olly, or you can keep distance from your parents. I’m not sure there is a way to do both. I can’t help you decide which is of greater import, only you can do that.” 

Charlie mulled that over as he moved the sun umbrella to centre the shade it gave around Mille, who had rolled over and was playing with her feet 

“I just feel I’m abandoning him. We were a team, Me, Him, Tori.”

“Hmmm. He doesn’t have a phone of his own?”

“He does, but Mum has access to it. She’s bound to be keeping watch for contact from me.”

“You are her son, and Millie is her grandchild.” Sarah said softly. “It’s normal for her to want contact.” 

“I know.” Charlie sighed deflatedly. “But…I just can’t. She just can’t seem to help but take over. Millie was entrusted to me, and I need to be the one to care for her.” He plucked at the grass. “But… Olly. I just left him behind.”

Charlie watched the doors swing back and forth as Tori was rushed away. Yet another midwife came in. “They’ve taken her to surgery. Let’s you and me look after Baby.” She guided him to the easy chair in the corner. “I need to check Baby’s APGAR,” she said looking at her watch. Charlie held his niece closely, hesitant to let anyone take her away.

“Lay her on your lap and I’ll just flip the blankets back. OK? She’ll be with you the whole time.” The midwife guided his arms into a position where she could peek inside the blankets. Charlie was torn between keeping his eyes trained on the baby, and casting worried looks at the birthing suite door. 

“Just weighing her to go now.” The midwife prodded him to stand and move over to the baby weigh station in the corner. “I’ve got her. Why don’t you hold her hand.” She moved the baby onto the balance and noted the weight before quickly bundling her up again and positioning her back into Charlie’s arms and gently pushing him out the door. “Come with me. We’ll get Baby set up in Mum’s room, ready for when she’s out of surgery.”

Mum’s room. It took Charlie a moment to realise she was talking about Tori. It was enough for him to be able to find his voice.“What’s happening to her? To Tori?”

“She was bleeding a bit more than we like to see after the placenta was delivered. It happens sometimes, most people come through it fine.” Most people.  Most. People . Tori wasn’t most people. She was heartbroken, and physically weakened from grief, and as much as Charlie didn’t want to admit it, he wasn’t sure she wanted to live anymore. Not without Michael.

Charlie held the baby close to him and waited.

 

Charlie signed off his letter of apology to Olly, and tucked it into the envelope, with a new Sim Card, writing his name on the outside. He reached for another sheet of writing paper, contemplating his plan again,  jotting down a short note to his childhood neighbour, Mrs. Huntley, asking her to deliver the letter discretely to Olly, then tucked the note and Olly’s letter into a second envelope before sealing and addressing it. It wasn’t much, but it would have to do.

Chapter Text

Dear Tori,

I was so angry at you for not carrying on when Michael died. Of just shutting down and shutting the rest of us out. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t let us help you. 

I don’t understand why you didn’t fight harder, that night, for Millie. She might not have been someone you knew, not yet, but she was still yours; a part of Michael still living. I’m still angry at you for that. I’m not sure I’ll ever not be angry at you for that, but that doesn’t change the fact that I…

Wish you were here,

Love Charlie.

Nick loved his mum. If you had asked his friends at high school to tell you about Nick Nelson, they would have said Good at Rugby, Bad at Maths, Loves his Mum and not ashamed to admit it. He was also very protective of his Mum. Never mind she had raised him and David alone, and quite handily, she was his Mum and he loved her and Nick Nelson protected those he loved.

He had missed her dearly when she moved to the coast. He couldn’t deny that it was nice to have the house to himself, that it made dating so much easier, or it would if he actually found someone he liked enough to bring home. He couldn’t deny that she was perfectly within her rights to move away for a change of scene after the difficulties of the previous few years. He still missed her, and worried for her. He enjoyed their weekly phone call, catching up on all she had done. They messaged and sent pictures and memes during the week, but every Wednesday without fail they would each sit down with a cup of tea and a telephone and have a proper chinwag.

He couldn’t quash the mixed feelings he had when she started telling him about her new neighbour. At first he was just pleased that someone nice was in the other cottage, but soon he started to worry. This new neighbour seemed…broken was the wrong word, but it wasn’t wrong by much, maybe fragile. Nick knew his Mum’s heart was big and welcoming, but he also knew it had been badly bruised, and Nick would do anything to stop it being hurt again. He didn’t want anyone taking advantage of her good nature. He didn’t want her getting attached to this baby only to lose contact with it. He wasn’t David. He worried that one day that big heart of hers would lead her into pain he couldn’t help her with. 

It was with mixed feelings he drove to the cottage at the start of the Easter holidays. He was eager to see his mother, concerned for her wellbeing, and worried how to approach the conversation he felt was necessary. Especially when he felt responsible for her vulnerability. He just knew she would brush off his concerns saying that she was just helping out a neighbour; he fervently hoped that was the case, but he couldn’t believe that. Not yet. Not until he met the neighbour, and the baby that Mum seemed completely smitten with.

Nick pulled up to his Mum’s place and let himself in. Nellie perked up at seeing him, but was a bit slower and bit less jumpy than the last time he’d visited. She still demanded enough attention that between her and Henry it took him half an hour to get the kettle on. 

He was half asleep on the sofa when he was roused by the sound of crunching footsteps on the gravel. Peeking out the window he saw his Mum handing a shopping bag over the fence to a man with a baby on one hip. The neighbour, Charlie was fairly tall, with dark springy hair that he was either growing out or was in need of a cut. He accepted the bag gratefully. There was a weariness hovering around him. Nick had the urge to tuck him into bed for a good rest, but it was more than that, there was a lack of animation in his demeanour, like he was unnaturally subdued. Then his Mum talked to the baby and tweaked its, her? nose. He was pretty sure Mum had said the baby was a girl. The man’s, Charlie’s, eyes followed Mum’s hands and the change that passed over his face when he looked at the child was startling. For a moment he was radiating soft contentment, and parental pride. Just for a moment. Nick was taken aback at the change then realised that his mum was heading inside and backed away from the curtain. 

“Nicky?” he heard from the side door, followed by two gentle thumps that were probably shopping bags.

“I’m in the living room.” He called out while simultaneously moving to meet her and wrap his arms around her. “Hi, Mum.”

‘Hi, Darling, good drive down?” 

“Um, yeah. Good.” Nick released his mum and moved to the kettle for a fresh round of tea. “I came by the coast road, but there were roadworks which slowed things down a bit.” 

“They’re still working on those? I would have warned you but I felt for sure they’d be finished by now.”

They settled into conversation and it wasn’t long till he found his opportunity. “The poor little mite had a dodgy tummy after her vaccinations, you know they give one against tummy bugs now, she’s fine now but she went through twice the number of nappies than she usually does in a week. Charlie asked me to pick some more up after work.” 

“He shouldn’t expect that of you.” Nick said.

“I’m glad he asked,” Sarah retorted. “He’s so reluctant to accept any help at all and you can see he’s just exhausted.”

“But is it your place?” Nick said. 

“He doesn’t have anyone else. And I’m here. How could I not help?” Sarah defended. “Nicky, put yourself in his shoes, imagine it was Pierre, if something were to happen to David and Amalie. Don’t give me that face. You know as well as I do you would take your nephew and love him to bits should it be needed, nevermind your relationship with David, you would do it in a heartbeat, you know it, and you would need help.”

“I don’t want you getting too attached to someone who’s just going to move away.” Nick said, increasingly agitated. “I don’t want you falling for a baby you’re not going to be able to see. Not after…” he stopped at the sound of a knock on the door.

“Nicholas. Listen very carefully.” Sarah looked him in the eye. “Charlie is not David, and Millie is not Pierre.” She waited, keeping her eyes locked on him. He nodded and broke her gaze. She moved swiftly to the door.

Charlie was on the other side, looking very uncomfortable. “Um…, this was in the bag. They’re not mine. I thought you might need them. Tonight, I mean.” He held out a brown paper bag with distinctive stickers indicating it was a pharmacy prescription. 

“Thank you dear, I must have tossed them in the bag without thinking. Come in and meet my Nicky.” Nick watched as Sarah hustled Charlie and the baby inside despite the obvious discomfort on Charlie’s face. He wasn’t meeting Nick in the eye, and with a sinking feeling Nick realised he must have overheard the tail end of the conversation.

“Nicky, this is Charlie, from next door, and Millie,” Sarah started making faces at Millie, coaxing a smile, then a giggle from her. “And this is my son Nick,” she babytalked at Millie, before catching herself and saying, “He’s come up for the half term break.” in a normal tone, to Charlie. 

“Hi” Nick said and held out his hand.

Charlie jiggled Millie to the other hip to free his right hand and extended it to meet Nick’s. “Hi”.

 

Charlie sat holding the baby for half the night. Midwives came in bringing a bottle, showing him how to hold it, helping him change her nappy. One suggested that he strip his shirt to hold her skin-to-skin, but he couldn’t bring himself to. That was Tori’s right. She should be the one here bonding with the baby. 

An administration person came around with paperwork asking if Baby had a name yet. Charlie felt like crying. Of course she didn’t have a name, her mother was in surgery, she hadn’t even been able to look at the baby, the grief for Michael still consuming her, before being rushed away. The tears wouldn’t come. 

His phone beeped and vibrated. He ignored it. It would be family asking if the baby was here yet. Tori hadn’t wanted anyone but Charlie at the birth. He couldn’t answer it. That could wait for Tori to come back. 

A midwife came and asked if there was anyone who could come and sit with him. Anyone who could come and support him, but there was no one. It had always been the three Spring siblings, and later the three of them and Michael, but Michael was gone and the maternity ward was no place for a fourteen-year-old. 

It was starting to get light outside, and he could hear birds starting to chirp when the Obstetrician came in. After checking he was Tori’s next of kin, she sat him down, and started talking.

Tori had had a lot of bleeding.

 

They had managed to staunch the flow and seal the wound. 

 

They had sent her through to recovery with confidence. 

 

Tori hadn’t woken up from surgery.

 

Tori would never wake up from surgery.

 

Tori was with Michael and Charlie was alone.

Chapter Text

Dear Tori,

Millie is nearly sitting. I can’t believe how fast she is developing. I know that sounds trite, and every parent says it, but it really is amazing. 

I’m thinking about taking her to a playgroup, she’s ready but I don’t know if I am. It’s weird when people at the library refer to me as Daddy, I’m not Michael, I’ll never be Michael. 

Wish you were here,

Love Charlie.

“Just one more kiss.” Charlie leaned back into the house to brush his lips over Millie’s forehead. Sarah gently but firmly pushed him out the door. “She likes to have naked wriggle time after her bath, but you can’t turn your back ‘cause she’s fast even though she can’t crawl yet, but she does this lunging thing, and she wees a lot when she’s naked so….”

“Charlie. I know. You’ve told me everything. Go. Millie and I will be fine.” Sarah’s tone was kind, but had an undertone of steel. “I promise if anything comes up you haven’t prepped me for I will call you. Ah,” she held up a hand to stop him as he inhaled in preparation to say something.. “If I can’t get a hold of you I’ll call Nick and he’ll drag you straight home.” Charlie slumped a little in defeat. “You deserve a break. Some proper adult time, not just a walk on the beach, even when Nick goes with you it’s not a proper break. Go.” 

Charlie backed away to where Nick was waiting by the front gate, a look of amusement on his face. “Ready?” Nick took a hold of Charlie's arm and pulled him along the footpath until Sarah and Millie were out of sight. “If I let you go, are you going to run back? Or can I trust you to carry on to the pub?” His tone was jesting, but Charlie could see the seriousness in his eyes. He only had to say the word and Nick would turn around, forgoing a night at the pub for another night of baby cuddles. He knew if he did he wouldn’t hear a word of reproach from him. Not in earnest. Just some gentle teasing. 

“I don’t know how long I’ll last, but yes I can get there without you holding my hand.” Charlie said honestly. “Would you really have dragged me all the way there?”

“I don’t know.” Nick said. “Mum’s probably right, in that a night with adults is probably not a bad idea, but…I’ve seen you with Millie.” he shrugged. “You are so devoted to her wellbeing. I’d probably just turn around and follow you. Mum's wrath be damned.” 

Charlie stopped and looked at Nick’s expression trying to gauge if he was joking, but there wasn’t a skerrick of dishonesty to be seen. “Dunno if I’d risk it, Sarah could be pretty bloody scary.” he grinned, trying to lighten the mood.

Nick suddenly realised he was still holding Charlie’s arm and dropped it hastily. Charlie felt a flicker of something, was that loss? He didn’t think he had the capacity to feel loss anymore.

They settled into an easy amble heading into the village. Charlie felt naked without Millie strapped to his chest, and there was a persistent sense of having forgotten something.

“I wanted to apologise.” Nick said suddenly. “And thank you.”

“What for?” Charlie honestly couldn’t think of a reason for Nick to do either.

“When I came up here to visit Mum I spent the whole drive up worried about her.” Nick started to explain. “I’d heard so much about you and Millie from her, but honestly I was scared she was trying to compensate for ….Has she told you what happened the last few years? with David? And the stuff before.”

“No. Just that he’s in France and she doesn’t see him and Pierre much.”

“David is biphobic, probably homophobic too, but I think that’s to a lesser degree, if there is such a thing.” Nick said. “He doesn’t visit Mum any more because she refuses to denounce me. It’s my fault she doesn’t see Pierre.” Nick’s voice cracked a little. 

“Denounce you? You’re Bi?” Charlie said reflexively, then quickly shook his head as if to dislodge that train of thought. “Sorry that’s not the point.” He paused. “David is the one staying away. That’s not on you.”

“Intellectually I can see your point,” Nick admitted. “But that doesn’t stop me feeling responsible. Anyway, I was worried she was using helping you and Millie to fill a void in her life, and that one day you would move away and she would be devastated.”

“I…”

“I know you still could move, and you probably will at some point.” Nick spoke again before Charlie could say anything. Charlie got the sense he needed to get it out. “But having got to know you this last week, I see it differently.” Nick stopped and waited for Charlie to stop and look at him. “You and Millie have given her a focus, and it’s been healing for her. To be able to have an outlet for those feelings, and…I don’t think you’d shut her out even when you do move.”

“How can you say that? I’ve shut Millie’s grandmother out of her life.”

“You have acted in a way that allows you and Millie to bond, and for you to grieve.” Nick said. “From what you’ve said you felt pushed into a corner.” he grinned. “See I have been listening this week.” Their first meeting had been a bit awkward but they both held Sarah in such high esteem that they had been motivated to get along, it wasn’t long before they found that there was a quiet companionship between them. Enough that Nick had started joining Charlie and Millie on their daily beach walks.

Charlie had felt emotionally safe with Nick, safe enough to let his guard down and start talking about what had happened after Nick had offered an ear. Nick knew how terrified and bewildered he had been the night of Milie’s birth, and how much anger he had at Tori for giving up. He knew about the guilt Charlie carried for being so angry at his dead sister, and for leaving Olly behind with the emotional stuntedness that was their mother. He had ranted a whole walk about his mother’s control issues and blinkered view of what Millie needed.

They started walking again. “Anyway, I’m sorry for prejudging you.” Nick continued. “And thank you. For letting Mum in.”  They reached the door to the pub. Nick reached out to open the door.

“Wait.” Charlie blurted. “I’m the one who should be thanking you.” Charlie looked him in the eye. “I don’t know how I would have coped without having Sarah over the fence. I should be the one thanking you, and her, for letting me share your Mum.” 

“Um. You’re welcome?.” Nick said, but his tone betrayed that he wasn’t sure if it was quite the right thing to be saying. He pulled out the door and gestured for Charlie to walk through it ahead of him. “I guess we both have things to be thankful for.” 

Julio, Jane and Olly came later that day to collect them from the hospital. Olly raced ahead to the room that was meant to be Tori’s to find Charlie reclined on the bed, the baby on his chest.

“Where’s Tori?”

“She had bleeding.” Charlie ground out. Julio and Jane arrived to hear him continue. “She didn’t wake up from surgery.” 

“What?” Jane asked. 

“Tori didn’t wake up from surgery. She….she’s gone.”

Olly’s lip started to tremble. “She can’t be gone. Not her too.” He looked around wildly like he was looking for a sign Charlie was joking. “She can’t be, not her too. She can’t be.” Charlie felt his heart break again watching Olly beg and bargain as if he could undo what had happened if only he believed hard enough.

“And…and the baby?” Julio asked, his voice cracking..

“She’s fine. She’s perfect.” Charlie said numbly. Julio sat down next to Charlie and pulled him into his embrace, the baby sandwiched between her uncle and grandfather. Charlie felt something break inside, and the tears finally came. Julio soon joined him letting tears run down his face. “I’m sorry I didn’t call. I… I couldn’t tell you over the phone.” Charlie managed to get out.

Jane pulled Olly to her, but he wriggled out of her arms to join their huddle. “Can I hold her?” Olly said after a few minutes. 

“Did…did Tori name the baby?” Jane asked, sitting down close behind Julio to peer over his shoulder.

“She didn’t have a chance. Her name's Millicent.” Charlie swallowed audibly. “Millicent Victoria.” He reached out an arm to encircle Olly, pulling him close and allowing Olly to get an arm around Millicent, but in such a way Charlie didn’t have to let go.

“Who named her?” Jane asked, “If Tori didn’t. You?” 

“Michael.” He sniffed and swallowed again before explaining. “When they first told me about her. They told me the names he wanted. Ozymandias or Millicent. I chose Victoria." He looked down at Millicent. 

“Let’s get you and… and her home. She is allowed home, I take it?” Jane checked

Charlie nodded and started to wriggle off the bed, then stopped. “The baby capsule. It’s still in Tori’s car.”

“I’ll get it,” Olly volunteered, before grabbing the keys he could see on the bedside cabinet, and disappearing, sniffling and scrubbing his eyes dry with his sleeve as he left. 

“I’d like to hold her.” Jane said. Charlie felt torn, but nodded and moved to swing his legs off the side of the bed and transferred Millicent into her Grandmother's arms. Julio wrapped an arm around them both, gently stroking Millicent’s forehead with a finger. “It’s been a long time since I’ve held a baby,” she murmured. “She’s so much like Tori was as a newborn.” Charlie hovered, feeling bereft without the weight of Millicent on his person. It felt like an eternity had passed since she arrived, when it was still less than 24 hours.

The three elder Springs sat in silence until Olly came back swinging the capsule seat in one hand, his eyes red. Jane lowered Millicent in and strapped her in, Charlie tucking a blanket over her and surreptitiously double checking she was fastened safely and snugly. He picked up the capsule and led the small procession out of the maternity ward. 

They paused when they reached the car park. Julio took the keys from Olly. “I’ll drive Tori’s car.” Charlie started to object. “You look exhausted, mijo. You’re not in a fit state to drive.” Charlie inclined his head in acquiescence, too tired to argue the point.

“We’ll see you at home. I’ll get Tori’s old room set up for the baby.” Jane said. “Come along, Olly.”

“She’s staying with me.” Charlie said.  

Jane turned with a frown. “Don’t be silly Charlie, you don’t want to be lumbered with a baby, a single man at your age.”

“I’m honoured not lumbered. She’s staying with me.” Charlie’s voice quavered with a mix of emotions, but with underlying steel. “I’m her godfather. Michael asked me months ago. She is staying with me.” He looked back down at Millicent.  “Tori asked me to care for her when she couldn’t. You weren’t there.”

“Well maybe I should have been.” 

They stared at each other in silent argument, the condemnation from Jane not explicit, but evident in her tone and felt keenly by Charlie. 

“We’ll talk about this more at home.” Julio broke the stand-off. He flicked his head at Olly to follow his mother and gently guided Charlie towards the car.

Charlie unlocked the door and threw the barest of greetings at Sarah as he headed up the stairs. He heard Nick and Sarah talking downstairs as he crept into the bedroom leaving the door open wide to let the light from the landing fall across Millie’s face. He reassured himself, stroking Millie’s cheek with a gentle finger, then returned downstairs to two bemused Nelsons.  “Sorry. That was rude of me.”

Sarah giggled. “I quite understand. You missed your girl. Everything went according to plan. I left the stuff for night bottles out in the kitchen. I don’t know her night regime so I left that for you.” She stood and picked up her book. “Did you have a good night?”

Nick huffed. “He single-handedly won the pub quiz. I’ll tell you about it at home.” He waited for Sarah to walk past him then tossed a  “See ya tomorrow?” and a grin at Charlie.

“See you tomorrow.”

Chapter Text

Dear Tori,

Millie’s big enough now to sit without help. When we go to the beach it’s warm enough for her to dig her toes in the sand. She’s still not sure about the sensation. We haven’t ventured into the water yet.

I’ve been sending Olly pictures of Millie. He’s promised to keep them where Mum can’t find them. I know she’d pump him for information of our whereabouts if she knew we were in contact and neither of us want him subjected to that. 

Wish you were here, 

Love Charlie.

Charlie allowed his mind to wander while he pushed Millie on the baby swing in the park near the Nelson family home. Sarah was having a day of follow up care tests and he and Millie had come along for a day trip and a change of scenery.

“Charlie!” A voice rang out over the park and he turned to see Olly racing towards him. “I got your message.” Olly puffed as he barrelled into Charlie, hugging him like he never wanted to let him go.

“How did you get out of school? Are you bunking?” Charlie asked in amazement. “I didn’t expect you till this afternoon.” 

“I waited till Mum went to work, then…” Olly paused then confessed. “I told Dad. He rang school and excused me for the afternoon.” Charlie’s eyes bugged. “As long as he gets photos of Millie, and I gave you this.” Olly dug in his bag and held out a letter. “He said you should wait to read it when you get home. I figured telling Dad was worth the risk. He promised not to say anything to Mum but I need to be home before she is, and make sure to catch up on my classes.  If school called Mum you know she would have badgered me till I caved.” He looked unrepentantly at Charlie. “Dad understands. It was the better risk.”

Charlie nodded. This was part of what Sarah meant when she said there are no good options in this situation. He slowed the swing and lifted Millie out. “You’ve been keeping that Sim Card safe?”

“Yeah. I keep it in the back of my phone case and only put it in my phone at school, Mum has no reason to suspect it exists. Oh. Mrs Huntley said she’s sorry you feel the need to do this, but that she’s more than willing to be a safe drop box. Between you and me I think she’s enjoying the intrigue.” Olly’s eyes rested on Millie. “Can I hold her?” His voice betrayed his longing and Charlie was struck anew with guilt of keeping Millie and her Uncle Olly apart.

“Of course.” He glanced at his phone. “It’s nearly time for her morning nap. If we’re quick we could get back to Nick’s and you could be her mattress.” Olly’s eyes lit up. “Come on, it’s this way.”

They powerwalked back to the house where Charlie changed Millie, tasking Olly with collecting cushions. “You’ll be pleased for the support, I promise. It’s like she swaps out flesh for lead when she’s asleep.”

Olly raised his eyebrows. “Now there’s an image.” Charlie just rolled his eyes and waited for him to sit before plonking Millie in his lap. Millie reached up to play with Olly’s face. “Get comfortable, I’ll get her bottle.”

Olly revelled in being an involved Uncle, feeding Millie and rocking her to sleep, humming a tune unfamiliar to Charlie. He spent the first twenty minutes of her nap gazing down at her.

‘I’m sorry.” Charlie said into the silence. Olly looked up from adoring his niece. “I’m sorry I took her away from you. I’m sorry I left you alone. I’m sorry I left you to deal with Mum.” Charlie slumped back on the sofa watching Olly rest a protective hand on Millie’s back. Olly was looking at Charlie concerned.

“I’m not gonna lie, it’s sucked.” Olly admitted. “Mum seriously seemed like she was going to lose it the first week you guys were gone. Dad said it was out of love, but it felt scary.” He dipped his head to sniff Millie’s head. “I…I..talked to the school counsellor.”

“You did? Has it helped?”

“Yeah.” Olly looked back up at Charlie. “It helped to have someone to talk to, who wasn’t grieving themselves, who was outside it all, about Michael and Tori, and …and about why you left. Why you felt you had to leave. I was pretty fucking…” He cut himself off looking back down at Millie and wincing an apology. “ uh…really really, angry at you for leaving. Leaving me alone with them, and taking Millie away when she’s all that was left of Tori. And Michael.”

Charlie felt sick to his stomach. “I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry Olly. I just…” Charlie closed his eyes to corral his thoughts, dropping his head into his hands. “It was too much. It felt like Mum was trying to take Millie away from me, and even though legally she couldn’t, not without calling in county services, she was commenting on every little thing I did. And I just had no room to… To even think about missing Tori, ‘cause I was scared Mum would use it as a way to try and make out I was unfit.” He picked up a cushion and hugged it to himself, trying to compensate for the absence of Millie’s comforting weight in his arms. “And I was scared that if I stayed I’d relapse.”

Olly was silent, letting Charlie’s admission hang in the air. 

“I get all that. Now.”

“The counsellor really helped you, huh.”

“That and the photos you sent. At least then I could kinda see Millie, but you looked different. I don’t know who took the pictures, I mean you were still sad, but not…quite as broken. It’s like….” Olly scrunched his eyes up in thought for a minute. “Like….Mr. Ajayi taught us about this thing they do in Japan where they mend stuff with Gold, it’s like symbolic that it’s functional but not quite the same or something.”

“Kintsugi. We did the same project with him in Year 10.” 

“Yeah. Anyway, it was like, away from Mum, Millie was your golden glue.” Olly shrugged then froze as Millie stirred. He held still as she snuffled and wriggled before settling back down again, before he exhaled in relief and rearranged her blanket. “I can forgive you for this, I’m working on it anyway. But…you better not stay away forever.”

Julio cradled Millicent in his arms as Jane provided cups of tea for the three Springs and Mrs. Holden. Olly popped his head in, then disappeared at the glare he received from Jane. 

“I don’t think there’s much question of what is best for the baby.” Jane said. 

“By which you mean she should stay with you?” Charlie accused. “I disagree, and this discussion is pointless. I thought I made it clear when we left the hospital. She is staying with me.”

“Charlie… Think about this. Seriously. You’re only twenty two. Are you really going to turn your life upside down to raise a baby, she’s not even yours. What do you know about babies?”

“I can learn.” Charlie said evenly. “I have always been very good at learning. You used to be very proud of my ability to learn.”

“And you should be putting all that learning to use!” Jane’s voice was rising. ”You’ve barely graduated, You just spent three years studying and you’ve barely had a chance to do anything with your degree.”

“Well, plans change.” Charlie shrugged, “Millicent is more important, and my degree isn’t going anywhere, it’s not like all that learning disappears because I take a year or two out to raise Millie.”

“But it’s not just a year or two, is it? It’s eighteen years, and then some.” Jane argued.

“And you really want to sign up for another two decades of child-rearing? For a baby that’s, as you say, not even yours.” Charlie countered bitterly.

“She’s my grandchild.” 

“And she’s my niece.” Charlie rebutted, then narrowed his eyes accusingly. “It’s been a week and you still can’t even bring yourself to say her name.” Jane winced. “How are you supposed to raise Millicent when you can barely look at her?” 

Charlie raised an eyebrow, waiting for a response, but Jane couldn’t find a comeback.

Michael’s mother had been watching the argument in dazed amazement. “Do we know what Michael and Tori would have wanted?” she put in softly. Charlie and Jane both turned their heads to look at her, neither having remembered she was there in the heat of their squabble. “It never came up between Michael and me.”

“They wanted me.” Charlie said quietly, and with conviction. “Both of them. Separately and Together. If anything should happen to them, they wanted her to be with me.” He shifted in his seat and took a sip of his tea.

“The day they told me Tori was pregnant, Michael asked me to be godfather. He…he said he trusted me to raise the kid with good values. Tori was there, she agreed.” He took another sip of tea to steady himself. “Then later, after….after Michael, the lawyer encouraged Tori to make a Will, in case something happened. She named me guardian.” 

“She never expected you to actually need to …” Jane started to speak but was interrupted by her husband.

“Didn’t she?” Julio said his voice strained, “After Michael died, Tori lost interest in everything. She never was an optimist. If she was encouraged to name a guardian…I think she would have taken it seriously.”

“Just after she was born, Tori couldn’t bear to hold her, not without Michael. I offered to look after her, just till she, Tori, was ready. I promised her I’d look after the baby, after Millicent, until Tori could.” Charlie said, his voice thick with emotion. “Tori entrusted Millicent to me. I’m not going back on my promise.” He stood and took baby Millicent from Julio. 

“Just because you have a low opinion of me, doesn’t mean everyone does.” Charlie said coldly to his mother, then turned and left the room.

Charlie opened the door to the knock, picking Sarah’s keys up from the sideboard. She had stayed a night with Nick in order to have some extra tests done and he and Millie had driven back in her car to care for the dogs.

“Here’s your keys. How was the drive?” Charlie pulled up short at the sight of Nick in the doorway, drenched like a kitten who had been dropped in a bucket. “Nick?”

Nick walked in, wrapped his arms around Charlie dropping his face into Charlie’s shoulder. Nick's voice hitched as he said “It might be back.” Charlie’s arms came up to hug him, as Nick took a deep breath, shuddered, and started to bawl.

Chapter Text

Dear Tori,

It’s only now you’re gone that I really appreciate fully how lucky we were to have each other. I always knew we had a good relationship, especially compared to others we knew but I don’t think I ever realised quite how much I could depend on you to always have my back.  

I miss you. 

Olly and I still have each other, but he’s not old enough, not yet, to be a confidant like you were. Maybe in time, but he’ll probably always be my, our, little brother in my mind.

Wish you were here,

Love Charlie.

Charlie walked backwards to pull Nick with him to the sofa before sinking down with him and letting Nick cry till he ran dry. “Do you want to talk about it?” Charlie asked when the sniffles stopped and Nick’s breathing evened out. “Maybe over tea?” Nick pushed himself up off Charlie and nodded. Charlie held out an open pack of baby wipes. “Sorry I don’t have any tissues.” Nick puffed the slightest laugh at the offer and took one, blowing his nose.

He had regulated his breathing and was scrunching the used wipes into his pocket when Charlie returned carrying two mugs. 

“Thanks. Sorry for just turning up like this. I just…” Nick began. “I didn’t want to break down at Mum’s. I went for a walk to get some space but then it started to rain and I had to come back but I wasn’t ready to face Mum yet, not without breaking down and I didn’t want to put that on here when she’s the one who….well …I saw your light.” He looked up at Charlie almost apologetically

“It’s fine. I’m happy to be here for you. God knows I’ve relied on Sarah enough these past few months.” Charlie said, with a half smile. “Even if I’ve only known you a little over a month, I’m sure I’ve leaned on you enough already to last a lifetime.” He said quietly into his mug, eyes downcast. “I’d be honoured to return the favour.” He added softly and looked up at Nick. Nick looked back at him curiously, a glint of something in his eyes. Charlie couldn’t quite place what it was but his heart did a funny little flop at being the focus of all of Nick’s attention. “Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to, but if it would help…? I’m here and Millie’s asleep.” 

“I…uh… “ Nick closed his eyes for a moment. Charlie assumed he must need to gather his thoughts.  “They found a lump yesterday.  It was a biopsy she had to stay back for today.”

“A lump? They can cut those out though right? If they’re caught early enough? Right?” 

Nick nodded, then sighed “If it’s caught early enough yeah, but it can also be a sign it’s spread, when it comes back like this.” He took a sip of his tea. “How much has mum told you about her cancer?”

Charlie thought a moment as he settled himself back on the sofa, mirroring Nick’s position so they were both facing each other, one knee curled onto the cushions and one foot on the floor. “Uh, some, I guess you’d call it the bare basics for the medical aspects. That it was picked up at a routine mammogram, she had surgery and followed it up with radiation therapy. You moved back home as soon as she was diagnosed.” Charlie grinned. “She waxed poetic about that, how you would look after her on radiation days, playing chauffeur and nurse. How you took over running the house so she could rest.”

“It wasn’t much.” Nick brushed off.

“Sarah didn’t think so.” Charlie said. “Where was I? I know about the diagnosis, the radiation therapy, Nurse Nick.” Nick rolled his eyes, Charlie smirked. “Once she was in remission she reassessed what she wanted and moved up here, leaving you to look after the house.” Charlie furrowed his brow. “Was this place your grandparents or something? That part wasn’t clear, why she chose to come here.” 

“My great-grandparents owned the house that was here before, but it was a tumbling down old thing. When they died, my granddad Nelson and his brother inherited. We used to camp up here each summer, but eventually the old place got too ramshackle. Mum’s generation of cousins opted to build these cottages. They have mostly been leased out as holiday lets. Initially to contribute to the mortgage they needed for the rebuilding, then to contribute to the grandkids' education.” Nick paused. “When Mum needed a break from… from everything, not just the cancer, but the treatment and David stuff and all that she chose this place. She said it was a happy place for her to regroup.”

“It’s been a happy place for me.” Charlie said softly. “I hope it has been for her too.”

Nick smiled and squeezed Charlie’s knee, “It has been and you, and Millie of course, have been part of that.” He sighed. “I told you a little bit about David. About how he’s punishing Mum for supporting me.”

“You did. And I will remind you that it’s his fault not yours.” Charlie patted Nick’s hand where it still rested on his knee. 

Nick nodded his acknowledgement of the words, but Charlie could see from his eyes they still hadn’t taken effect. He gently took Nick’s face in his hands and turned it to meet his gaze. “It’s not your fault.” Charlie tried hard to keep his focus on Nick’s eyes, determinedly bringing his focus up each time they dropped to his lips.

“I think Mum felt this place was free of David.” Nick blinked, his eyes also darting up and down from eyes to mouth. “He never liked coming up here.” Nick made no effort to move out of Charlie’s grasp. “Not like I did,” Nick kept talking, his voice getting breathier, then suddenly Charlie felt lips on his. Nick had gripped his knee tighter and leaned forward, brushing their mouths together so Charlie could feel the warmth of Nick’s breath huffing over his cheek before he pulled back an inch or two, breathing heavily. Waiting. 

“I don’t want to talk about David right now.” Charlie said and pulled Nick’s head, still between his hands back in.  

“Yeah.” Nick mumbled against Charlie’s lips. “Me neither.” 

“I’ll get it Mum.” Nick wiped his hands on a towel and headed to the door. It had been Sarah's day for radiation therapy and she was wiped out. He’d left her recuperating on the couch while he fixed dinner.

“Hello, Nick.”

Nick blinked. “Oh. David.” He backed away to let him in. “I didn’t know you were coming. Does Mum know?”

“Nicky? Who is it?” Sarah’s voice rang down the hall.

“I guess not.” Nick commented wryly, David pushed past him.

“Mum? It’s me.” Nick followed David down the hall. He’d not seen his brother much over the past few years. He hadn’t even seen him enough to come out to him. It wasn’t like Nick had met anyone he wanted to invite for Christmas and that was pretty much the only time they saw each other now so it didn’t seem pressing. It never seemed worth disturbing Christmas, the only time his Mum had them in the same place, especially not this year, when they’d been faced with the prospect of not having any more with her. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be out to his brother, he just…he just wanted Sarah to have peace more.

“David!” Sarah’s voice showed as much enthusiasm to see David as Nick felt dread. “How lovely to see you. Nicky, put the kettle on won’t you.” Sarah said as he approached the door to the living room. He turned on his heel and changed direction. Opting to stay in the kitchen and wait for the kettle to boil rather than subject himself to extra David time. 

He returned to the living room with two cups of tea. “Are you here for dinner, David? I was just starting it.” Sarah’s eye turned hopefully to David. Nick raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I thought I’d stay the night actually.” David said. “Spend a bit of time with you while you’re recovering.”

Nick rolled his eyes behind Sarah’s back. He clamped his lips shut and inhaled deeply. Mum would like having David here. It wouldn’t do to make a comment about the months of treatment David had missed. To ask where he had been in the post surgery days where the nausea from the drugs meant Sarah had been too weak to get to the toilet and back by herself. Mum needed peace in which to recover. He could play nice for a night. He’d done it before, he could do it again. 

David helped Sarah to the dinner table that night. David helped her up the stairs to her room. Nick stood back and let him, knowing it was important to Sarah to have that time with him.

Nick juggled the hot toast to the table the next morning. He appreciated the quiet breakfast together more knowing it was only due to David’s propensity to sleep in.

“You know, if David’s here for a bit, you could go out. Hit the town. Maybe find a nice someone without worrying about me being at home alone?” Sarah said as she buttered her toast.

“Yeah Nicky. There must be some girl out there who doesn’t mind you living with your mother.” David’s voice rang out from the bottom of the stairs, injecting himself into the conversation. “I’d be happy to keep Mum company while you go out and find a girlfriend.”

“Or a boyfriend.” Sarah said innocently, taking a bite. 

“Good one, Mum.” David inexplicably thinking Sarah was joining him in teasing Nick.

She put down her toast and responded earnestly. “I don’t know why you think it’s funny. Nick could just as easily bring a boy home.” 

“Nick’s not gay, Mum. He would have told us by now.” David chortled, reaching for the jam.

“Mum. I haven’t actually come out to David yet.” Nick started slowly, then rushed out. “I know I told you I was going to tell him, back when I told you,  but I didn’t see him for ages, then you got your diagnosis and…I just never… did. And I was kinda expecting this,” he gestured in David’s general direction, “and I didn’t want to disturb your peace while you were recovering, so I didn’t tell him.”

“Tell me what? Are you actually gay then?”

“No. I’m Bi.” He said simply. 

“Nah. You’re not.” 

Nick sighed. “Yes, I am, David. I think I’m the authority on my own sexuality. I came out to Mum…” He looked at Sarah questioningly. “...three? Three years ago.”

“You knew?” David turned to his mother aghast. “You knew he was a pervert and you still let him live here?” Nick winced. This is what he’d been trying to avoid. Mum didn’t need this sort of antagonism while she was healing. Not ever really, but particularly not while she was healing. He wasn’t even particularly surprised at David’s attitude. Of course his brother would belong to the ‘Bi’s are perverts’ brigade.

“David, I won’t have you speak like that in my house. Apologise to your brother.” 

“For what? Calling it like it is?”

“David. It was very nice of you to come and visit but I think it’s time for you to go home.”

“You’re choosing the pervert over me?”

“I’m not choosing either of you over the other. You’ve had a surprise. I think you need time to process. This is Nick’s home. It’s not fair to ask him to leave. That’s all.”

David stood and climbed noisily up the stairs, returning stuffing his keys into his pocket. He stopped in the doorway and looked back. “I came to tell you that Amalie is pregnant. It’s a boy.”

“Oh!” Sarah exclaimed, her hands coming to cover her mouth. “That’s fantastic news.”

“Don’t think I’m letting him anywhere near my child.” He gestured angrily at Nick with his chin, then looked back at his mother. “And I don’t know if I can trust your judgement anymore.” David slammed the door behind him as he stomped down the front steps.

Sarah burst into tears, the emotional whiplash of the morning taking its toll. “I’m sorry Nicky, I wouldn’t have said anything. I didn’t realise he didn’t know.” 

“Shh.” Nick wrapped his arms around Sarah. “Ssh. It’s OK. I wasn’t actively avoiding telling him, it just… hadn’t come up yet. I didn’t think he would take it well.” 

Sarah raised her eyebrows. “That was a bit more than ‘not well’, Nicky.”

“Hm.” Nick rubbed her back soothingly. “So, Amalie’s pregnant.”

“So it would seem.” 

 

Nick leaned in for a final kiss before Charlie shut and locked the door behind him. They had been snogging on the sofa for a while before Millie’s wails had broken them apart. Charlie had dashed up the stairs as soon as he had wriggled off of Nick, his heart doing flip-flops in his chest. He had come downstairs to find Nick had set the kettle to boil to make her late night bottle and was putting on his shoes.

“I’ll let you see to Millie.” Nick had said softly. “I’ll…We can… I’ll see you tomorrow,” he’d added before leaning in. Charlie had returned the kiss without thinking, but now….his brain no longer occupied with the softness of Nick’s lips distracting him, and the weight of Millie in his arms reminding him of….everything. The bottle prepared, he slowly climbed the stairs, fed Millie and tucked her back into bed, before climbing into his own and preparing for a restless night of battles between his head and his heart.

Chapter Text

Dear Tori, 

I wonder sometimes what it would be like if you were still here and I was just Millie’s Uncle. The uncle who called in to play horsey rides, or to babysit while you ran errands. I compare the lives we were meant to have with the one I have now and then I feel guilty, because Millie is such a part of my life now, the very centre of it. My life with Millie is so rich but for me to have this life, I lost you. I can’t fathom ever giving Millie up or living without her but at the same time I… 

Wish you were here,

Love Charlie

Sarah woke early to find Nick had left Cinnamon scrolls rising on the kitchen bench. Last minute baking from Nick usually meant he was processing something emotionally. She was on her second cup of tea before the scent of cinnamon wafted up the stairs and summoned Nick down. 

“You came in late, Nicky. I thought for sure I’d see you after the rain set in.”

“I… stopped in at Charlie’s. I picked up your keys, they’re on the hook.” 

Sarah tilted her head as she examined her son. “Is that really why you went to visit? You went out glowering and…you baked. You only bake late at night when you’re mulling something over and Cinnamon scrolls are one of your happy bakes.” She suppressed a smile as she sipped her tea. “Is there something you’d like to share?” 

Nick pulled the scrolls out of the oven, setting on the stovetop to cool, then leaned back against the bench, resting his hands on the bench on either side of his hips. 

“I think… no, I know…I’m falling for Charlie.”

“Well he’s a lovely young man. Handsome too.” Sarah said, her lips quirking up at the sides. 

“Yeah,” Nick had a faraway look in his eyes and a self-satisfied smile on his face.. 

Sarah suppressed a giggle and smiled into her mug. Nick was properly charmed. “And does Charlie return your affection?” Nick blinked himself out of his daydream.

“Um. Yeah. We kissed last night.” Nick poured water for his tea and sat down at the table. “I really like him, Mum.”

“Oh my darling,” Sarah scooted over to wrap an arm around him in half a hug. “You’re so adorable when you’re smitten.”

“Mum!” Nick shrugged her off. “It’s not funny.” He met her eyes and started to giggle, just a bit. 

Sarah looked out the window, wondering if she should offer to take Millie out for a walk. She didn’t want to interfere in her son’s budding romance, but quality time with a suitor could be hard to get with a baby in tow. Nick had wrapped up half the cinnamon scrolls and taken them over to share with Charlie shortly after they had come out of the oven.

She wanted to see her son happy. She wanted to see Charlie happy. It would be lovely if they could make each other happy, especially if this test came back with bad news. She wouldn’t want Nick to be alone, not someone with a heart as big as his. She reminded herself of the promise she had made to herself years ago not to meddle in her children’s lives. It had worked out marvellously with Nick, they were extremely close and he was very open with her. It was less effective with David, but he wasn’t the child to hand right now. She peeked out the window one last time as Nick raised his hand to knock, then settled back into the sofa with the latest book club text. She would let them work this out on their own.

Nick dropped his hand after knocking on Charlie's front door and waited. And waited. He knocked again. After another two minutes he tried the door, opening it a little when he found it unlocked, just enough to call through the gap. “Charlie?” 

“Charlie?” It wasn’t like Charlie to leave the house, and leave it unlocked. Nick let himself in and shut the door behind him. “Char? Are you OK?” Nick quickly scanned the ground floor and finding nothing amiss headed for the stairs.

“Charlie? Millie?” Nick checked the first bedroom before hearing heaving breaths from behind the other door. He knocked gently, before cracking the door open and sticking his head in. “Charlie?”

Charlie was curled up on the bed, curled around Millie who was seated and playing with Charlie's curls, and poking at the tears streaming down Charlie’s face. She smelled fine and was happy enough, if a bit confused, so Nick was sure Charlie had still been caring for her, even if he wasn’t caring for himself. “Charlie?”

“Nick? What are you doing here?” Charlie came out of his misery enough to push himself up, pulling Millie close. 

“I wanted to see you.” Nick said gently, “But right now that’s not what’s important.” He sat down on the bed, and opened his arms. “Right now I’m more worried about what brought this on.” A thought stabbed at him. “Was…it wasn’t me was it? I didn’t do something you didn’t want to do last night? You were just so adorable and sexy and caring and I kissed you and I didn’t stop to check it was all right and…”

“Nick!” Charlie sniffed. “I wanted to. You didn’t do anything wrong, but…” The but hooked into Nick’s heart. But? But what?

“But I can’t do anything that would jeopardise Millie,” Charlie continued, “and it’s not fair I’m here with her when Tori and Michael aren’t; and I can't let Millie get attached to you when I’ll stuff it up and you’ll leave; I… I can’t take losing someone else. And I miss them. I miss them so much. But Millie and I weren’t enough to make Tori stay, and I left Olly behind and Sarah will hate me for hurting you, and I can’t do this on my own.” Charlie paused to heave a breath. Nick didn’t know what to do but pull Charlie back into his chest as tightly as he could with one arm, the other loosely circling Millie where she sat on Charlie. “And I know I shouldn’t be falling for you, but I don’t know if I can stop it.” Charlie sniffled. 

Nick held Charlie and Millie until Millie started to fuss. “Come on sweetheart, let’s go downstairs, maybe we can find some toys for you.” Nick lifted her out of Charlie’s arms. She went to him willingly and wrapped her arms affectionately around his neck. “Char, do you need a minute? I’m happy to look after her while you take some time.”

Charlie looked up. “Uh, no I’ll come with you. She’s probably hungry, it’s snack time.” He looked away. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”

“You’re not a mess, Charlie. You’re someone who’s had a rough year.” Nick held out an arm waiting until Charlie took it and pulled him up. “It would have been rough enough losing Michael and supporting Tori, but then Tori as well, and your life was turned upside down to raise Millie.” He gently pushed Charlie through the door. “It’s normal to have difficult days.” Nick followed Charlie down the stairs, still holding Millie. “Now how about tea? Then maybe a walk and talk?”  

 

Olly sat cuddling Millie next to the computer Charlie was hunched over. He was slogging his way through the government websites checking what help was available to him, financial and otherwise. He had a meeting with a social worker later and he wanted to be ready.

Although Michael had asked him to be godfather he had no proof of that and it had no legal standing. Tori had named him guardian in her will, which should be the end of it but there were two problems. One, she had been deep in grief for Michael at the time, so it could probably be challenged, and Two, as far as he could gather it didn’t give him the undisputed right to be the one who raised Millie, or rather the right for Millie to live with him. 

Charlie glanced over at Olly and Millie, Olly making faces at her. He felt a twist to his stomach at the thought of losing her. Olly didn’t quite understand why it was a big deal. As far as he was concerned it was simple. Tori had named Charlie guardian, so that’s who should raise Millie. Jane was still not convinced. Julio supported Charlie, but hadn’t been able to make any headway into Jane’s adamancy.

After the family meeting with Michael’s mother, the one that Charlie had walked out on, there had been numerous little digs at his suitability. She’d swung in to take ‘the baby’ out of his arms when he was about to give her a bath. She’d taken every other bottle he had prepared to check its temperature. Hovered over him while he was changing Millie's nappy. As bad as that was it was the incessant questions, always posed as innocent inquiries, that he found harder to deal with. When does work expect you back? What are Tao and Elle up to this weekend? How did his employer feel about him taking so much leave?  It had taken all he had, on limited sleep no less, to not snap at her. 

The only thing holding him back was the knowledge that if he pushed her too far, he wouldn’t put it past her to call County Child Services to have Millie taken away from him.

Hence his scrolling through government sites today. Looking for the way to legally have his right to raise Millie protected so his mother would back off. 

“Charlie?” Olly said.

“Hmm?”

“Have you had lunch?” Olly said apprehensively. “If Mum sees you’re not eating regularly…” he tapered off. He didn’t need to finish the sentence.

Charlie looked at Olly and sighed. “I’ll go get some toast, and Millie’s due for a bottle soon too.” He nodded his thanks and reached out to take her.

“I’ll come with. It will be easier for you if you have two hands.” Olly said. 

“OK, but then you need to look at your homework. Mum will go spare if you fall behind because you’re holding Millie instead of studying.”

Sarah looked up as Nick let himself in. She frowned. “Nicky? Is everything OK? You don’t look nearly as smiley as you did when you left.”

Nick walked over and dropped to the sofa next to her, falling into her for comfort.

“Charlie’s having a bad day.” Nick told her. “The grief has hit hard and he…he said he can’t have a relationship with me. He doesn’t want to risk Millie getting hurt, if she were to get attached to me and it didn’t work out. And he doesn’t want to risk hurting me and having you hate him.” Nick sniffed. “He doesn’t think he could cope without your help and he doesn’t want to risk losing it.”

“Ah.” Sarah said into Nick’s hair, stalling as she contemplated a better answer. “Well he has had a very trying year. Maybe it’s too soon for him.”

“Yeah.” Nick said dejectedly. “We went for a walk with Millie and talked about it.” 

“So what are you going to do?” Sarah said.

“Just keep being his friend. That’s what he needs right now, so that’s what I’ll be.”

Chapter Text

Dear Tori,

I took Millie to ¡ Habla ! Beb é today. It’s the Spanish Language baby group. I thought it might be easier to be mistaken for Papi, since Michael would have gone by Daddy. I was wrong. It still caused a pang every time, though everyone was most apologetic when I explained, no, I was Millie’s Tio. 

Tori, I’m falling for Nick, the son of the woman who lives next door. He’s… everything the dicknozzle wasn’t. I think I’m scared to let him in. I saw what losing Michael did to you. Losing you has been so hard and I don’t know if I could survive losing someone close again. I know you would have given me a good kick up the arse about that. It’s just one of the many reasons I…

Wish you were here,

Love Charlie.

After the ‘walk and talk’ as Nick had called it Charlie was on edge. His heart and mind kept squabbling. Nothing had really changed. Millie was still dependent on him and his number one priority. Nick was still lovely and kind and sexy, but also respectful and caring. He hadn’t tried to do anything overtly romantic or sexual since that day. The one where Charlie dropped down to lows of grief and emotional turmoil he hadn’t felt in months spending the day in bed, rousing himself only long enough to take care of Millie’s needs before falling back into a ball of tears on his bed. 

Charlie didn’t know whether to feel respected, that Nick had listened to him, or terrified that seeing him such a mess of feelings, tears, and to be honest a bit of snot, had scared him away. Nick had continued to be a friend. He texted daily with anecdotes from his new class, or to check how Millie and Charlie had got on at their first playgroup. He called in on the weekends when he came up to see Sarah. He seemed to be visiting her more now, since that weekend, the one with the cancer scare, the weekend they’d made out on Charlie’s sofa. 

He’d drop over baking he had done saying it was too much for him and Sarah alone. When Charlie had protested he was only one person and didn’t eat much baking Nick had turned up the next day with a batch of cheese straws saying he’d done some googling and they were something Millie could start trying. In all, he made it very difficult for Charlie to protect his heart, but in the nicest least intrusive kind of way. 

Nick turned up every day he was at Sarah’s to join Charlie and Millie’s daily beach walk. They would walk along the shore, occasionally stopping to pick up interesting stones or shells to show Millie, before continuing on, their fingers brushing periodically, sending sparks up Charlie’s arm. 

Sarah had received the results of her biopsy within the promised fortnight. It was a small malignant tumour, but she was in and out of hospital within a month. She’d opted to have the surgery at the start of half-term and Nick came up for the week to care for her. Luckily this lump was able to be completely removed surgically, and she didn’t have to change her recovery and remission treatment other than restarting the five year timer. Charlie had joined them for dinner on Nick’s last night before returning to town to celebrate. At the conclusion of the evening Nick had walked him the eight steps home, carrying Millie’s nappy bag, and handed it to him with such heat and affection in his eyes, Charlie’s insides felt like they were going to melt. He’d reached out for the bag with the hand not holding Millie to his hip and barely resisted the urge to grab Nick’s shirt and pull him down for a kiss instead.

Charlie opened the door the next morning as he looked for Millie’s misplaced hat to find Sarah. She nudged her way in and took Millie from him. “I promised myself I would never meddle in my son’s relationships, but it’s not meddling when Nick asks me for help. If you are agreeable, I will stay with Millie while you go for your walk. With Nick. He would like to talk to you.” She looked at him and said sincerely. “You love Millie, we can all see it, but you don’t have to be a martyr to parenthood. You’re allowed to be happy.” 

Charlie had planned to move into Tori and Michael’s, now technically Millie’s, little terraced house, just as soon as he could remove the two of them from Britannia Road without repercussions. After Michael's high profile turn at the last World Championships, coming home with a silver medal, he had picked up a couple of sponsorship deals heading into the Winter Olympics; one with AcuVue and VisionDirect, showing off contacts for on the ice, and a variety of frames off it, and one with Powerade which liked to sponsor people in the smaller sports in Olympic years. They had been enough for Tori and Michael to service a mortgage on the house, along with a down payment from his prize money. Charlie had all but moved in after Michael died in order to support Tori. As a consequence he had never got around to officially moving out of his parents house. 

He wandered the house, Millie in his arms, waiting for the letting agent to finish poking about. To safeguard his right to Millie, he needed an income.  Michael’s life insurance had been enough to pay off the mortgage. The house was small, but large enough and in a good enough location that he could rent it out and use the proceeds to rent something smaller away from…everything. Give him and Millie some space and time. 

If he could prove he had the financial means to care for Millie, there shouldn’t be an issue in getting a Child Arrangements Order approved. Then he could get paid parental leave, and between those payments, the child benefit he would then be entitled to claim and what was left from the rental income from this place after he had paid rent and bills on the new place,  it would be enough for them to live, as long as he was careful with their finances. 

He’d already talked to his line manager, who’d talked to their line manager and HR, and if he could get the paperwork sorted at his end, he could take parental leave for nine months, then come back part time working from home. There was some irony in that. If Tori hadn’t gone in to bat for him when he was choosing his courses he would probably have ended up doing a Maths degree like his mother had wanted, for ‘employability’ of course, and ended up with a 9-5 office job. 

Instead with support from Dad and Tori he had chosen Classics and Spanish and he worked as a translator, specialising in Greek and Latin, but topping up his workload doing official translations of Spanish documents. Thanks to Brexit, and the cessation of freedom of movement between the EU and Britain, there were suddenly a lot more people who needed documents to be officially translated. Work which was very well suited to being scaled up or down as circumstances required, and could be easily done from home. 

He looked up as the agent returned to the living room. As they discussed the options for letting and management Charlie felt the fear clenched around his heart ease, just a little. He was going to make this work. He and Millie would not be separated.

 

Charlie and Nick walked in silence up the beach path. “Shall we take the rock path? Since we have the opportunity?” Nick suggested. It was a tricky path where one needed both hands and feet at some points, despite walking the beach nearly every day for months Charlie had never tried it, always having Millie with him. 

Charlie nodded and followed Nick’s lead around the outcrop. They stopped at the top of the rock where there was a natural flattening of rock forming a look out point.

“Charlie…” Nick started drawing Charlie’s attention. “I…I don’t know how to start.” 

Charlie squeezed his hand, then dropped it. Nick stuck his hands in his pockets and looked out at the sea.

“I like you. A lot. I like you more than anyone I’ve ever met. I know you’re still grieving your sister, and you’re…protective of your heart, and that you have Millie to think of too, but…I just wanted you to know. I’m not going anywhere, unless you want me to. If you want me out of your life I’ll go,” Nick swallowed hard and turned to look at Charlie. “because I couldn’t live with myself if I was the cause of your distress. I’ll be your friend. If that’s what you need right now, I’ll be your friend, but…” Nick took a deep breath and looked down as he kicked a pebble into the sea.” …but if there’s a chance to be more…than friends.” He clarified unnecessarily.”I’d …like…that.” He looked up hopefully at Charlie.

Charlie was taken aback by the naked honesty Nick was displaying. He was unaccustomed to having emotions laid out for him and he wasn’t quite sure how to proceed. He slowly lifted his hand and slid it into Nick’s, intertwining their fingers. Nick looked down at their hands, then up at Charlie. Charlie met his eyes, then summoned his courage. “I don’t want you out of my life. I just don’t know if I’m brave enough to let you in.”

Chapter Text

Dear Tori, 

Millie and I celebrated her longer-out-than-in day this week. Or at least an approximation of it, since I don’t know the precise dates, and nor do I want to. Nick made a sugar-free cake for her. 

Nick and I are dating, I guess you’d call it, if dates include a nine-month old. It’s terrifying to let someone in, but there’s something about Nick that’s calming and reassuring and steady. I can’t see it yet, but there’s something about him that tells me he could be my forever person. Like Michael was yours. If only I could ask you about how that feels.

Wish you were here,                                                                                                                                      

Love Charlie

Nick held the backpack baby carrier steady as Charlie strapped Millie in and checked she was sufficiently wrapped up against the early December chill. Charlie swung it onto his back and turned his head trying to see Millie. “She’s laughing and reaching for your curls.” Nick informed him, with a hint of a laugh.

They set off through the Christmas market, gloved hands brushing, occasionally. They were definitely dating, but there was no rush into physical affection. There had been a few more snogging sessions on Charlie’s sofa, but mostly lots and lots of messaging and video calls during the week when Nick was back in town teaching and Charlie and Millie were back at the cottage. Nick came up to visit most weekends, spending the days with Charlie and Millie, but always leaving to sleep at Sarah’s. Charlie was still guarded and Nick didn’t want to push him too hard or too fast. 

Charlie hooked his fingers in Nick’s as they weaved through the crowds to the end of the last row. Nick grinned, both at the sensation of Charlie’s hand in his, and at Charlie’s determination to be methodical about how they tackled the Christmas Market, to ensure they see as much of it as possible before Millie needed a break. Or Charlie did. He was still getting used to using the backpack carrier after Millie had grown too heavy for him to wear on his front in the wrap.

Charlie tugged him down one aisle, pausing to admire the handcrafts on display at the various stalls, rolling his eyes at the bad puns on some of them. Millie was cooed over by some of the stallholders, Nick was sure some of them were just trying to get her to latch on to their product so Charlie would feel obliged to buy something, but most of them seemed genuine. After about an hour Charlie started to hitch the backpack and fiddle with the straps, arching his back as much as he could within its restraints. 

“I think I need to take this off for a bit. Shall we take a coffee break?” Charlie suggested.

“I’m not surprised. It’s changed your centre of gravity.” Nick said. “Costa’s?”

“I suppose. Or… there’s a place around the corner, Sally’s, it has a baby play corner. Could we go there? I promise it does good coffee.”

Nick motioned for Charlie to lead the way, and followed him through the crowds to a cafe  with a small frontage, but a large cavernous space tucked behind other shops. It was full of squashy sofas, and as promised there was a baby play area tucked into a corner, cordoned off by the edges of two sofas and a couple of large ottomans, where a large coffee table would usually be placed. Millie settled happily into the corner crawling over to investigate the board of locks and moving parts attached to the wall as soon as Nick lifted her out of the backpack and placed her down. Charlie shrugged out of the carrier and stretched out his back, then reached eagerly for his coffee. 

“How do you know this place?” Nick asked.

“Some of the Mums at ¡Habla! Bebé come here after playgroup. They tell me the double chocolate cake is good. And the lemon yoghurt cake. And the Chocolate, Raspberry and Coconut slice. They talk about the cakes a lot actually.”

Nick smirked.“You’ve never joined them?”

“I did, once or twice, but now I try to get home for Millie’s big nap so I can get some work done while she’s down.”

Nick bobbed his head in acknowledgement then reached to pour a cup of tea. Charlie’s paid parental leave had run out and he had started doing some translation work from home to make up the difference in income. 

Charlie pulled some child-friendly snacks from the storage compartment of the backpack and enticed some into Millie while Nick went to investigate the lauded cake selection, bringing back the Lemon Yoghurt cake to try, and share. Charlie took a taste, but it was Millie who was really enthusiastic, opening her mouth repeatedly for more and pushing away her Uncle Charlie’s offered fruit pieces. Charlie threw up his hand amused in feigned exasperation and left them to it. 

Nick was wiping up the crumbs she had smashed onto the table when he noticed Charlie sigh and wince. “I could wear it.”

“What?” Charlie looked up from where he was manoeuvring Millie into the straps.

“The backpack. If your back is still sore from carrying her. I could wear the backpack. She’d still be able to see you and your back wouldn’t be in pain.” Nick elaborated.

Charlie looked at him uncertainly, then at Millie, then back at Nick, before clicking Millie in securely. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. Kids at school love piggy back rides. I’m pretty sure my back will be fine.” 

“You’re allowed to do that?” Charlie asked, now loosening the straps for Nick’s broader shoulders.

“I only do it in the playground when there are lots of other teachers around, but yeah.” Nick lowered himself in front of the sofa and slid his arms into position. “Some of the kids don’t have male role models at home, or the ones they do have are less than stellar.” He said quietly as Charlie adjusted straps to bring Millie’s weight to rest close to his body. Nick adored the feeling of Charlie being so close. “I think it’s important they have examples of caring masculinity, not just the toxic kind.”

Charlie looked up at him, his eyes soft, the corners of his mouth turning up. “I think you enjoy it.” 

Nick’s twisted his mouth to suppress a grin, his eyes glowing. “Yeah. That too.” He looked at Charlie. “All strapped in? Am I good to stand?”

“Just about.” Charlie leaned down to peck a kiss to Nick’s lips. “Now you are.”

 

Charlie checked his list. His backpack sat on his bed filled with the legal proof he was Millie’s rightful guardian, the contract for the cottage he had found online, and Millie’s medical history, short though it was. He hoped it was as suitable as advertised. Michael and Tori’s house had been rented out furnished. Charlie and Julio had spent a day emptying it of personal items, most of which were now in Tori’s old bedroom across the hall. Two of the many travel bags he had found in the attic, mostly emblazoned with ‘Team GB’ and ‘M Holden’, were packed with his clothes and personal effects and a small amount for Millie. He hadn’t bothered to pack too much in the way of clothing for Millie as she would grow out of most of it in a matter of weeks. 

“You’re leaving aren’t you?” Charlie turned to see Olly at the door. “Aren’t you?” He tacked on pointedly.

“Olly. I thought you’d left for school.” Charlie said, then added with a sense of gravity. “Yes. Today. Before Mum and Dad come home from work.”

“Does Dad know you’re leaving?” It went without saying that Mum didn’t. Olly was sure to have heard her opinion on it if she knew.

“I haven’t told him, but he’s observant. I doubt he’ll be surprised.” 

“Where are you going?”” Olly asked hopefully.

“I’ve rented a cottage for me and Millie. Don’t ask where. If you don’t know, you can’t let it slip.” Charlie approached Olly, still standing in the door like he could bar Charlie and Millie’s exit. “I…” He pulled Olly into a hug. “I’m sorry I can’t stay. I just can’t. I don’t want to leave you, but I can’t stay.”

“Because of Mum?”

“Not just because of Mum, but yes because of Mum. She’s not helping, but I need to get away. If I stay here… “ Charlie trailed off, trying to figure out how to put into words the weight he felt being where Tori should be, in the space where they had always supported each other. “It’s too stressful to stay here and that’s not good for Millie.”

“Or you.” Olly said. “I’ve noticed. You’re eating a lot more toast than you usually do.” He released Charlie and stepped back. “You’ll come back though?” there was a quaver to his voice, full of suppressed emotion. He moved to where Millie was lying on the floor of the empty cupboard, toys hung from the railing above her, away from having to meet Charlie’s eyes.

“We will.” Charlie felt a lump of guilt form in his stomach. “I’ll try to figure out something so we can be in touch.” He watched Olly play with Millie’s feet. “ I’ll take this stuff down to the car.” Olly glanced up at him briefly and nodded. HIs face was stony, like he was keeping his emotions tightly leashed.

By the time the car was packed Olly’s eyes were red rimmed. He hugged Millie tightly before kissing her forehead and lowering her gently into the capsule, strapping her in and checking the blanket. Charlie reached out to take the capsule from him with one hand, and pulled Olly in close for a hug with the other, letting the tears fall. He hated leaving Olly behind, but he didn’t see any other way. 

Olly picked up his schoolbag, following Charlie out to the car. Charlie drove down the road and around the corner, keeping half an eye on the increasingly smaller figure in the rear view mirror. Once he was out of sight, and Millie had been lulled to sleep by the motion of the car seat he pulled over to park. Charlie put his head on his hands, resting on the steering wheel, and breathed. Steady breaths. In and out, as he tried to make sense of the maelstrom of emotions. A noise from the back seat roused him from his reflection. Millie was stirring. Charlie quickly restarted the car before she could wake fully, and checked the directions to the cottage. It wasn’t terribly far, but far enough in distance and space for him and Millie to recover and grow.

They were halfway home when Nick’s phone rang. 

“Hey, Mum.”

“Yeah, we’re nearly home, about five minutes away.”

“What? Are you sure it’s them?”

“Yeah, I’ll tell Charlie and let you know what he wants to do.”

“Thanks for the heads up.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

Nick turned to look at Charlie who was shooting worried glances between keeping his eyes on the road. “I think you should pull over. Please.”

Charlie’s eyes widened in surprise, but did as bid. “Nick, what is it?”

Nick waited until Charlie was safely on the berm, hand brake engaged before speaking again. “That was Mum. Your parents are waiting for you at the cottage.”

Chapter Text

Dear Charlie,

I know you needed to go. I’m sorry it was necessary,  but I understand that you needed to. I’m sorry that I didn’t intervene more. Thank you for not completely cutting Olly off. It’s hard for your mother and I, but losing you completely as well as Tori would have been devastating for Olly. It’s why I’ve called his absence in today, to give you as much time together as possible.

I hope that you feel you can come home soon, even just for a day. I miss you mijo, and I want to get to know my granddaughter. I know you needed to get away, but I 

Wish you, and Millie, were here, 

Love Papi.

His dad’s letter was rolling through his head as he pulled up to the cottage. If he had answered his father, rather than just sending messages through Olly, could this…this ambush have been avoided. He inhaled deeply and reminded himself that it didn’t matter. He hadn’t responded, and his parents were here. 

“Char,” Nick’s voice intruded on his deliberations. “What do you want to do? I’ll follow your lead, but I need to know what it is.” Charlie turned to look at Nick. 

“I’m not sure. I…just make sure Millie is safe. I’ll be able to focus on dealing with them if I know Millie is safe.” Nick nodded. 

“I can take her to Mum’s if you need. Or you could take your parents to Mum’s, if you don’t want to let them in. She wouldn’t mind.” 

“Olly can see her. He…I trust him. Dad…” Charlie heaved a sigh. “...if it was just Dad….She’s safe with Olly.” Charlie felt Nick squeeze his hand before he turned away to exit the car. Charlie glanced at his parents sitting on the step, and Olly, making faces at Nellie and Henry over the fence, then busied himself getting Millie out of her car seat.

The two of them met in front of the car, Nick having grabbed Millie’s nappy bag from behind the passenger seat, ready to take her from Charlie if things got heated.

“Mum. Dad. I didn’t expect to see you here.” Charlie said as neutrally as he could manage. “How did you know where I was?”

“Mum found my phone with the photos you sent. She sent them to herself, then used them to figure out where you were,” Olly said, his tone oozing resentment at his mother, he looked at Charlie and his tone shifted to regretful culpability. “I… was showing Mrs. Huntley the photos and forgot to change the Sim Card back.”

“What else was I supposed to do? You disappeared. You don’t send word. You didn’t answer calls, or emails. It’s been months!” Jane said. “I didn’t know if you were ever coming back. If I was ever going to see my grandchild again.”

“For good reason! And I didn’t disappear. I kept contact with the people I trusted.” Charlie said. Olly perked up, coming out of his self-recrimination a little at Charlie’s words. 

They lapsed into silence. 

“WIll you introduce us to your friend?” Julio said, diverting Charlie’s attention from the stand off with his mother.

Nick stepped forward, hand extended. “Nick Nelson. My mother lives next door.” He nodded at the other cottage. 

“They’re your dogs?” Olly asked, distracted.

“Close enough.” Nick grinned. “That’s Nellie, we got her when I was eight, and the little one is Henry, would you like to meet them?” Nick drew Olly away, but Charlie could see him positioning himself in such a way that he could keep an eye on the conversation, ready to take Millie if Charlie indicated it was necessary. 

“Can we see her, Millicent?” Julio asked.

“That depends. Are you here to try and take her away?” Charlie said coldly, trying to keep the fear out of his voice. Legally they couldn’t take her, but they could make it very difficult for a while if they chose to challenge his guardianship. 

“No mijo, I saw the photos too.” Julio smiled sadly. “She’s thriving with you. I just want to get to know my granddaughter.” 

Sarah poked her head out at that point. She had seen the Springs arrive and called Nick immediately. She had considered inviting them in for tea, but the boys were so close to being back it seemed better just to wait.

“You’re back! How was the fair?” She asked genuinely interested, then added. ”Is this your family, Charlie?”

‘Yeah. My brother Olly, and my parents. Julio and Jane. The fair was good. Thanks for the suggestion.”

“Lovely to meet you. I’m Sarah. It’s been lovely having Charlie next door this year. Would you like to come in for a cup of tea? Nick made some lemon tarts after he arrived yesterday and there’s far too many for just the two of us.” Charlie relaxed ever so slightly at that. He hadn’t even realised that the idea of his parents entering his and Millie’s cottage was something he was concerned about, but it made sense. That cottage had been their sanctuary.

“That would be wonderful.” He looked at Sarah with grateful eyes. “Nick is a really good baker. You should try it,” he said to his parents. Jane looked back at him curiously.

“You eat his baking? But…” Jane started.

“Yes, I eat his baking.” He cut her off before she could voice her thoughts. Charlie could see her thinking. Charlie wasn’t usually a big fan of baking. He ate regular meals, but still didn’t snack much, and baking was generally something for snack time. He could see the moment she made the connections. Charlie was eating. Eating snack type foods. Charlie was in a good place emotionally.

“Come on in then, I’ll pop the kettle on.” 

 

“Charlie? Olly?” The house seemed strangely silent to Julio. “Olly?” 

“I’m in my room.”

Julio made his way upstairs. “It’s quiet. Is Millie asleep?” He did a double take at his youngest son’s appearance. Olly had tear streaks down his face and was uncoiling himself from Woof, the cuddly toy he’d had since he was a baby.

“They’re gone.”

“Who?” Julio’s brain took a minute to catch up “Charlie and Millie? Gone where?” There was a slight sense of panic. Last time a son had said their sibling was gone…

“Charlie took Millie. He’s rented a cottage somewhere. He left.” Julio’s heart rate calmed. Gone, but not gone. “He said that he couldn’t stay here. It wouldn’t be good for his emotional state.”

“Did he leave anything? A note?”

“I don’t think so.” Olly sniffled. “He said he’d be in touch if he could figure out how.”

“How to what?”

“He didn’t say exactly, but I think he meant without Mum knowing.” Olly said. Julio’s heart sank. Jane loved their kids fiercely, but the way that love presented did not line up with the way Charlie needed or accepted love. Jane always tried to shield them from any kind of hurt, and the kids had felt stifled by it. Jane and Charlie had always clashed and he had always turned to Tori for support. He knew that they had been clashing, He knew that Charlie had taken Tori’s death particularly hard. He hadn’t realised how bad things had got. Again. 

He sat and pulled Olly into a hug. “How are you doing mijo? I’m guessing this is all a bit much.” Olly wrapped his arms around Julio and nodded into his chest. “Do… Do you think it might help to talk to someone? Someone that’s not me or your mother?”

“Maybe.” 

“Do you want to try the school counsellor? Or we…we could ask Geoff to recommend someone.” 

“Mmmph,” Olly grunted. Despite the sadness weighing him down, Julio had to suppress a snort at Olly’s reversion to stereotypical non-communicative teenage boy. They sat together a bit longer. 

“‘I’m going to go down and start dinner. Do you need more time?”

“I wanna stay up here. I don’t want to be around Mum when she finds out.” Olly said, pulling back. Julio winced. Jane had softened since Tori and Charlie were teenagers, but not enough, if that’s how Olly felt. Or maybe it was just heightened tension from grief. He doubted it made much difference to Olly.

 

Julio was sauteing onions when Jane came home. “Jane? In here.”

“Hi. Where are the kid….the boys, and the baby?”

“Sit down Jane.” 

“What? Why? I’m just going to find Charlie. The baby should be having her bottle by now. If he wants to be her guardian he needs to...”

“Sit Down.” Jane sat, then looked at him expectantly. “Charlie’s gone. He’s taken Millie and moved out.”

“Don’t be silly. He won’t be able to cope on his own, not with an infant.” Jane said.

“Olly was here when they left.” Julio said in a calming tone. “Charlie told him they were leaving, and I found a letter on our dresser. With a copy of a Child Arrangement Order naming Millicent’s place of residence to be with Charlie.” 

“But…but. He can’t take her. He’s only twenty-two. He can’t raise a baby, and what about his career?” Jane tried to make sense of what her husband was telling her.

“He’s gone already, Jane, he’s moved out. He said… he can’t stay here where his every move is being examined and criticised and there’s no room to grieve.” Jane’s face puckered. “And he’s only a year younger than Tori.” 

“That’s different.”

“How? Because I know you don’t mean to say it’s a woman’s place to raise a child.”

Jane sputtered. “No! It’s different because she was Tori’s. If it was Michael not Charlie left with a baby it would be different because the baby is his, I don’t know if she was planned or not but the baby was Tori’s. The baby already took Tori’s life, and I don’t want her to take Charlie’s as well, all his plans and dreams. Hasn’t enough changed already?” Jane cried out, then turned in on herself, almost crumpling before Julio’s eyes. He checked that he had indeed turned off the heat under the onions, then knelt down next to her chair and comforted his wife. 

“I rather think that’s up to Charlie.”

 

Sarah made cups of tea for everyone and handed around the lemon tart. Charlie handed Olly a couple of toys from the nappy bag and told him to sit on the floor, settling Millie down next to him. “She’s grown so much since September”

“When did you see her in September?” Jane asked sharply, pain in her voice.

“When Charlie came back for the day.” Olly said blithely.”I met up with him and Millie at the park, then hung around for Millie’s nap.”

“You came back, but you didn’t visit home?” Jane’s voice dripped with hurt.

Charlie didn’t say anything. What was there to say? I visited the people I trusted not to try and take her or I didn’t want to see you . 

“You’re not going to answer?” Jane prodded.

“What is there to say?” Charlie said exasperated. “I obviously didn’t, or you would have seen us and I don’t think talking about why is going to go down well. And this is our home now. Mine and Millie’s, the cottage next door.”

His declaration hung in the air. 

“Tell us about Millie. Please,” Julio said. “We’ve missed a lot. You had your reasons.” he hastily added as Charlie’s hackles rose. “But it doesn’t change the fact we don't know our granddaughter.” 

Charlie felt his face lose tension and launched animatedly into one of his favourite topics. He could see his dad nod along, amused at his enthusiasm. His Mum’s shoulders lost some of their stiffness and his eyes softened. He kept going until Nick pointed out, “Uh, Charlie? Isn’t it time for Millie’s nap?”

Charlie looked at Sarah's wall clock and winced. “Yes. I lost track of time. I’ll take her home. Come on Millie Vanillie” He reached down to scoop her up, then looked back at his parents, then at Sarah, clearly uncertain.

“You go put her down for her nap, Charlie. We’ll still be here. Maybe Nick or I could sit at yours so you can continue your conversation.” Sarah rescued him. “We’ll call you back when she wakes.”

“I’d like to see where you live.” Jane said.

“I’m not ready for that.” Charlie said blandly. “That would be great, Nick, Sarah.” his tone noticeably warmer.

“I’ve got some planning to do. I’ll grab it and set up at your dining table.” Nick offered. “I’ll be over in a minute.”

“Could we talk? Properly talk when you come back?” Jane asked hesitantly. 

Charlie looked at her astounded. His mother never wanted to talk.

“If you’re ready to listen.” He said, then with Millie in his arms, turned and left.

Chapter Text

Dear Tori, 

It’s nearly Christmas. Millie’s first Christmas. Our first without you. It hurts. I don’t think there’s really much more to say on that. It’s bittersweet, and it hurts.

I’ve been thinking about what to do for Christmas. I don’t really want to spend it at Britannia Road, but I do want to spend it with Olly. I wish I could talk it over with you, and not just about that, about everything…

Wish you were here,

Love Charlie.

Charlie led Jane down the lane towards the beach. Nick was lesson planning in his cottage while Millie napped and had been left instructions for when she woke. Olly and Julio had been left to Sarah’s hospitality. 

They had walked the ten minutes to the beach before Jane said anything. 

“It’s a lovely walk.”

“Mmm.” Charlie agreed. “Millie and I come down here most days.”

“I’d like to understand why you left. Properly. I read the letter you left your father, but…there’s lots I don’t understand.”

“It never was your strong point.” Charlie commented. “Understanding our feelings.”

“There’s no need to be snarky.” Jane replied. “I’m trying”

“Very trying.” Charlie muttered, unable to resist the pun, but hoping the ocean breeze would carry it away from Jane’s ears. “I know, but it wasn’t enough.” 

He turned and faced his mother. “It wasn’t enough when I was a teenager, and it wasn’t enough when Michael died. When I came home from the psych unit I needed compassion and all you would do was prod. It was always about what I didn’t do, about what I hadn’t eaten, about what the consequences would be. You tried to make me eat, but I don’t feel like you ever bothered to try to understand why I couldn’t.” He puffed, taking a deep breath before continuing. “And it was Couldn’t, not wouldn’t. Couldn’t. I wasn’t that I didn’t want to eat, but I couldn’t and you never saw that. In your mind I was just being stubborn.”

“I felt like I was failing at everything and food was the one thing I could control so when you prodded and poked it was just one more thing I was failing at and it made things worse.” Jane opened her mouth to speak, but Charlie talked over her, getting louder and more forceful as he did so and she closed her mouth again. ”The more you prodded the worse it got. Tori understood. Tori was the only one who understood. Tori saved me.”

He paused.

“Olly was too little then, I was never going to weigh him down like that, but Tori understood. She had her own demons in her head. She understood.” Charlie stopped to breathe and to get himself under control.

“We were all we had, Tori and I. I didn’t understand her demons and she didn’t fully understand mine, but we both understood the other had them. That our feelings weren’t something we could control. That sometimes the demons were in charge.”

Charlie looked at his mother hollow-eyed. “I know Grandma and Grandpa did a number on you. That you’re way more emotionally available than they were. I…don’t want to blame you exactly, but trying, just trying, wasn’t enough.” 

Charlie turned and looked out at the sea, the waves mimicking the roiling feeling in his stomach.

“So you want to understand why I left? Because Tori, the one person who could help me manage my demons was gone, and I was left with someone who, however well meaning, made them worse.” Charlie’s voice had turned cold. “Dad tried, but he was stuck between his wife and his kid. He couldn’t get you to back off, I don’t even know for sure that he tried, but I like to think he tempered you somewhat. Raising Millie alone, on my own, was better than staying around you.”

Jane opened her mouth, then closed it again without saying something multiple times, then finally stopped and stared out at the sea with Charlie. They stayed like that for minutes, tens of minutes. Eventually Charlie felt moved to talk.

“When Tori found Michael she… he helped her quieten some of her demons. I don’t know what it was about him exactly, but somehow he managed that. I think it might have been that he never expected Tori to be anything other than herself.”

“He never expected anything else from me either. When he died…She didn’t just lose the man she loved, she was crushed by the weight of expectations dropping back onto her. I tried. I really tried, but we were both grieving and I couldn’t pull her out of it.” 

“Do…do you think being pregnant was a factor?” Jane asked hesitantly.

“Maybe. It’s hard to say. I think... I think the prospect of motherhood was intimidating when she had lost the only person she felt saw her clearly. I think grief and pregnancy are both physically draining, especially the depth of grief Tori felt. It took a lot of energy for me to climb out of grief and I wasn’t growing a person, and I wasn’t grieving my Person.” The way Charlie said it emphasised the singularity of Michael’s importance to Tori. 

Jane huffed, then appeared to stifle whatever it was she was going to say. “Your father is my person. I…well. Your father is my person.”

The silence fell between them again. Charlie sat down, feet planted in the stones and rested his arms, his knees in front of him.

“You still haven’t fully said why you left. I… have a better idea, but…I don’t want to assume. Would you explain it more? Please?’

Charlie looked at his mother, but her face was sincere. He nodded curtly.

“I told you Tori saved me. I tried to do the same for her. I failed. I failed Michael, I couldn’t look after Tori. But she…she trusted her daughter to me. In the few hours between Millie being born and Tori,” Charlie swallowed compulsively, “Dying. She trusted Millie to me.” 

“I would never betray her trust. Not Tori, Never Tori, and she entrusted Millie to Me.” He glanced at Jane, sitting with a fixed look on her face. She looked determined to listen, her lips tightly squeezed together. “She’d already named me guardian should something happen, and Michael had asked me to be godfather, but there in the hospital when she was falling apart and the bleeding started. I…I think she might have known that she wouldn’t be around to raise Millie, she trusted her to me.”

“Everything you did felt like you were trying to take her away.” Charlie said. He tried to keep his tone from being accusatory, but he didn’t quite manage it. “When I made Millie a bottle you were there, checking I had mixed it correctly. At bath time you whisked her out of my grasp like I was going to drop her. You kept trying to get me to go back to work, as if I could leave Millie behind like a borrowed …I don’t know…like a puppy at the pound.” Charlie was starting to unravel. If the thought of leaving Millie had been unthinkable when she was a newborn, it was indescribably painful to consider now. “Talking like Millie was a burden.”

“All you did was make things harder.” Charlie almost croaked. “I had to leave before I relapsed.” Jane made a noise like a strangled frog at the realisation of how bad things had got for Charlie. At the realisation of how much worse her behaviour had made things for him. 

She sniffed back her rising emotions. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Charlie looked at her in surprise. Jane wasn’t a big one for apologising for her actions as they related to emotions. She’d acknowledge them, and she’d justify them, and crossly state she was trying, but apologising was rare. He wasn’t entirely sure how to react. He wasn’t entirely sure he’d heard correctly.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry.” Jane repeated. “I know I’ve never been what you kids needed. I’ve always wanted what was best for you, but…it never seemed to land. You always seemed to resent my efforts and I didn’t know what to do. Back when you were first in recovery, then again when you brought the baby home.”

“It’s been months and you still can’t call her by her name.” Charlie commented, rolling his eyes.

“It’s not like I’ve been able to get to know her.” Jane snapped back

“We were in your home until she was six weeks old. Six weeks! If a baby doesn’t have a name after six weeks ‘Births, Deaths, and Marriages’ come after you.” Charlie was incredulous, “And she had a name for all of that time. She had a name before she left the hospital. Millicent Victoria.”

“And she took my daughter away!” Jane nearly screeched. “Then she took your life away. All the things you had planned for your career and travel. I lost my daughter and my son lost his future, so forgive me if I took some time to warm up to the baby that tore my family's future apart.”

A minute passed. Then two. Charlie sat in shock at what she had said. Jane appeared to be in shock as well.

“And you wonder why I didn’t want you around her.” Charlie said bitterly. “Millie is your family too,” he stated firmly, then the emotions started to gain control. “An innocent baby and you blamed her! You’d be better off blaming Tori for not fighting harder, or Michael for taking the wrong plane, or …or. ..or the bloody airline for crashing his fucking flight. Millie isn’t the problem here.” He panted. “You are.”

“I didn’t have those things planned for me. You did. I don’t see it as throwing my life away. That’s all you. Is this what I had planned? Of course not. I didn’t plan for my brother-in-law to die unexpectedly. I certainly didn’t plan to lose my sister in childbirth. But they did. It happened.” Charlie was amazed that he was still having this conversation, but parts of it had been building for months, turning over possible things to say while he gave Millie her midnight bottle in the dark.

“My life is nothing like what I had planned. But that’s OK. I have Millie and Millie has me. Millie is thriving. She’s loved, and I will not let anyone near her who blames her for Tori’s death.”

He checked the time and stood. “Plans change. Life can’t always be controlled. Maybe it’s time you accepted that. Millie’s due to wake soon. I’m going back.” Without looking at Jane, Charlie made his way back up the beach to the path.

Chapter Text

Dear Tori, 

Millie is really fast at crawling, and now she’s pulling herself up on everything. I had to do a house check on my hands and knees to see what she could get into. I don't have the luxury of big siblings to keep her out of trouble. Remember doing that for Olly?

Millie’s birthday is coming up. Nick is going to bake her a cake. He’s going to try and replicate the one she had when we went to the Christmas market, since she loved it so much. 

Wish You Were Here,

Love Charlie

Charlie rustled in his pantry looking for the sprinkles he could have sworn he bought last week. 

“I’ve already got the sprinkles,” Nick said without looking up from the cake he was very carefully icing ‘Happy Birthday Millie’ onto, his tongue poked out in concentration. “Both rainbow and chocolate.”

“You do?”

Nick put down his piping bag and reached into the pocket of his hoodie, pulling out two shakers and shook them in Charlie’s direction before stuffing them back into his pocket. “I didn’t want to forget them. Mum was saying something about making Millie a babycino now she’s old enough for cow’s milk.” He grinned at Charlie then went back to his icing.

Charlie moved to rest against Nick’s back, wrapping his arms around him and resting his cheek on Nick’s back. “Thank you for doing this. Making the cake, hosting the party. I know I need to give Mum the chance to prove things are changing, but I’m glad I don’t have to have them here. Or go back there.”

Nick put the piping bag down again and swivelled in Charlie’s arms dropping his arms down to encircle Charlie. He dropped his head to bury his face in Charlie’s curls. “It’s no big deal. The house is there, it’s a neutral location.” He breathed in Charlie’s scent. “Though I suppose it might not feel that way to your parents. But I’m not invested in their wellbeing, aside from how much it affects you and Millie.” Planting a kiss to Charlie’s head he added. “I want you to feel at home in my place.” 

Charlie looked up at him, resting his chin on Nick’s chest. Nick looked down at him patiently waiting for whatever was on Charlie’s mind. The moment was interrupted by Millie’s voice echoing down the stairs. Charlie closed his eyes and smiled softly. Nick dropped a kiss to his nose. “Go get her. If you want me to sneak this over to Mum’s to hide until tomorrow, you need to keep her occupied upstairs for…” Nick looked back at the cake and weighed up what was left to be done “...six minutes.”

“Six? That’s very specific”

“Six.” Nick nodded decisively. Charlie twisted his mouth in amusement before lifting himself up onto his toes and pecking a kiss to Nick’s lips then left to see to Millie. When he cautiously came downstairs precisely seven minutes later, the kitchen still bore the evidence of his labour but Nick and the cake were gone. He sat Millie in her high chair and poked about in the fridge for some carrot sticks and hummus for her afternoon snack. 

Millie was interested in the remnants of icing Nick had left on the table in making his hasty departure, but Charlie swiftly pulled that out of her reach. There would be enough time for her to sugar overload tomorrow. He was pretty sure Olly would spoil her if he didn’t keep an eye out, and Dad would likely enable him. Nana Holden, as Michael’s mother had requested she be called, probably would too. 

He really didn’t know how his mother would act. Things had been strained since he had left her on the beach, but she was trying, ‘oh so trying’ his brain added unhelpfully as it was wont to do everytime the phrase crossed his mind.

Charlie let himself into his cottage to find Nick’s papers strewn across the table, but Nick nowhere in sight. He climbed the stairs to find Nick in the bedroom with Millie, clearly giving Millie her customary post-sleep cuddle. The transition from sleep to wakefulness was always a slow process for her and if she didn’t get her cuddles she got grumpy instead. 

Nick glanced up as Charlie entered. ‘She just woke up.” He shuffled over on the bed to make space for Charlie to join them. Millie looked up at Charlie but made no indication she wanted to move from her position tucked against Nick’s chest. Charlie leaned in wrapping one arm around Nick’s back and the other around Millie’s.  

“You know what I said about not giving Millie the chance to get attached to you?” Charlie said. Nick hmmphed his acknowledgement. “I think that ship has sailed.” He tipped his head back, his eyes dancing as they met Nick’s.

“I’m rather attached to her too.” Nick said. “And the Uncle that comes with her,” he smirked  down at Charlie. 

“Do you want to talk about how it went?”

“In a minute. I just need a bit of time with you and Millie.” Charlie murmured. “I still need to go back and talk to everyone. Mum was …a lot; I need a few minutes of peace first.”

“OK.” 

They sat quietly, the three of them taking comfort from each other until Millie started to fuss. Nick went downstairs to tidy up his work while Charlie got Millie out of her sleeping bag and checked her nappy before following.

“She blames Millie.” 

Nick looked up, surprised. “What?”

“Yeah. And not just for Tori; for changing my life from what she expected it to be.” Charlie said. “I thought it was going really well, considering. She seemed to be listening, as hard as it was for her, I could see she was really listening, and trying to understand, but after that came out…I just left. I couldn’t…” Charlie’s voice was cracking and he looked up at Nick with big eyes starting to well with tears.

Nick moved back to hug Charlie again. He didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything, just wrapped Charlie up in all the comfort and warmth he could exude through his embrace.

“Do you want to stay here? Mum and I can send them on their way,” He murmured after a couple of minutes. 

“No, but if you could have Millie? Take her away if it gets heated again.”

“Of course. You don’t want to leave her here? Mum would come over if you wanted me but not Millie to be there with you.”

“No. I think I know what I need to do and it has a better chance of working if Millie is there.”

 

Sarah was up and packing the car when Charlie and Millie arrived the next day. They were going to travel down together, Nick had already gone ahead in the wee hours wanting enough time to get the birthday party croissants into the oven. He had made them at Sarah’s a few times and Millie was a fan, enough of a fan that Nick had declared he had to make them for her birthday. 

“Are you ready? I know Christmas was emotionally draining.” Sarah asked. 

“I can’t cut Millie’s grandparents out forever without letting them have a chance to change, and in reality it’s only since they turned up in December that Mum has had a real idea of why I left.” Charlie looked at Sarah and shrugged. “I need to give them a chance so I know that if we do end up cutting then out of our lives, for good, I know I tried. Olly is a great uncle and It wouldn’t be fair to him to cut him out completely too.” 

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out.” Sarah said compassionately. Charlie thought there was a hitch in her voice. She blinked rapidly like she was trying to manage some tears. Charlie looked away and inhaling deeply started the car. 

Chapter Text

Dear Tori, 

A year ago I took you to the hospital and met Millie. 

She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 

Thank you. 

Wish You Were Here,

Love Charlie

Charlie stood Millie up on the bed he was using as a change table to scoot her freshly changed butt into her dungarees. They had been a present from Kirsty, one of Sarah’s book group friends, who had seen rainbow corduroy when out shopping, and couldn’t resist making something in it. She knew Charlie wouldn’t have an issue with the rainbows, unlike her son’s stuck up wife, who only dressed Kirsty’s granddaughter in frills and dresses in pinks and purples. Kirsty had shuddered at the idea and assured Charlie that the grandkids got plenty dirty when they came to visit Nanny, but she really wanted the dungarees to go to someone who would appreciate and get lots of wear out of them.

They reminded Charlie of Tori. In the photo’s of them as children she was frequently in dungarees. He didn’t have any photos from when they were young, just the ones he had in his phone and in the cloud when he had left. Maybe he should see if he could get some. Millie needed to know her mother, in whatever way Charlie could facilitate.

“Shall we go see what Nick has for us to eat? Maybe those croissants are ready.” 

“Bah!”

“Oh, you like that idea?” Charlie picked her up and made his way downstairs to Nick’s kitchen. Nick lived in the home he had grown up in, moving back to look after Sarah after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. When Sarah moved away to the cottage she had moved the things she left behind into David's old room to let Nick take over the master bedroom. Charlie and Millie were staying in Nick’s old bedroom which was almost like a time capsule of young Nick. 

“Hi Charlie.” 

“Olly.” Charlie stopped short. “I didn’t expect you till later.”

“I know. It’s just me.” Olly was quick to reassure. “Mum and Dad won’t be here for another hour like you asked.” Olly said. “But I was hoping you’d be OK with me coming early. I wanted to spend some time with you and Millie before it got all weird with Mum around.” 

“Well, she’s just woken up and was looking for a snack.” Charlie smiled. “We were about to hit Nick up for some croissants.” He looked hopefully in Nick’s direction, putting on his best puppy dog eyes.

Nick rolled his eyes and reached for a platter covered with a tea towel on the edge of the bench. “Lucky I made extra. Cheese, Ham, or Jam?”

“We have a choice?” Olly said. 

“Millie can have cheese.” Charlie said. “She’ll get plenty of sugar today without starting out with Jam now.”

“Then I shall join her in having cheese.” Olly declared.

Jane still hadn’t returned to Sarah’s by the time Nick, Charlie, and Millie arrived. Olly was playing with the dogs and Julio and Sarah were chatting companionably. 

“Charlie,” Julio greeted him. “I’m sorry we came unannounced.”

“And yet you still came.” Charlie replied with a sigh. Julio had the sense to look chagrined at that. “Look, I know this was Mum, but you could have talked her out of it. Or at least warned me. Olly know how to contact me.”

“She didn’t give me a chance. She took my phone so I couldn’t. Figured you’d leave again if you knew.” Olly said. 

“Huh. Maybe she does understand me. Just a little.” Charlie commented sarcastically, he dropped down on to the sofa placing Millie down between him and Olly. Olly immediately diverted his attention from the dogs to his niece.

The dogs, now deprived of attention, dropped down in front of the fire. They stayed there for all of thirty seconds before Nellie’s head popped up, and Henry was bobbing at the door, moments earlier than the humans in the room heard the crunching of footsteps on the gravel.

A shadow appeared through the glass on the door, then hesitated. Sarah swung the door open with one hand, holding Henry’s collar with the other. “Jane, you managed to find your way. It’s a lovely walk isn’t it? I’m not surprised you stayed out longer. Charlie’s got quite used to the beauty.” She put on a good show, but Charlie knew Sarah well enough now to see that it was a show, but one designed to relieve some of the tension.

Jane smiled at Sarah politely as she entered then stopped unsure of what to do next. Charlie looked to Nick, leaning on the door frame between the kitchen and living room. Nick nodded supportively and looked to Millie with a question on his face.

Charlie shrugged minutely then looked back at Jane.“If you want to be in Millie’s life things have to change,” he started. “Firstly, you’re getting therapy.” Jane looked at him in surprise. Charlie lifted an eyebrow at her. “What? Did you hear yourself out there?” He nodded to Nick who straightened and came over to pick Millie up. 

“We’ll be upstairs.” Nick said and swiftly left the room.

“That’s a bit dramatic, isn’t it?” Jane said. Charlie didn’t respond immediately, just waited till he heard Nick reach the landing and shut the bedroom door behind him before continuing.

“Millie doesn’t need to hear that her grandmother blames her for her mother’s death,” Charlie said evenly. 

Julio’s eyes widened in shock. “Jane?”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Mum didn’t realise it herself until it came out of her mouth, but you can see why I can’t let Millie be around her. Not if that’s what’s in her subconscious.” Charlie said to his Dad, then returned to look at Jane. “So Firstly, you Will get therapy. You’re going to untangle whatever it is that has that bollocks in your head.” Jane nodded wanly. “You should probably keep going after that. Deal with your issues from childhood. I meant it when I said Grandma and Grandpa did a number on you.”

“Secondly, you will never turn up at my home unannounced. This place was where I came with Millie to feel safe and you have threatened that.” Charlie swallowed. “You don’t come up here without an invitation, either of you,” his eyes flickered to Julio, ”and I wouldn’t expect one any time soon.”

“Thirdly, I’m not terribly impressed with you stealing Olly’s phone. I think he needs an apology, but that’s between you and him.” Charlie looked at Olly, encouraging him to stand his ground on that.

Meeting Jane’s eyes he continued, “I’m not the same boy who was outed and fell apart. I’m not the same teen who developed anorexia in response to not feeling in control of my life, nor the one sent to the psych ward. I’ve recovered. I’ve worked bloody hard to be in a better place and I’ve grown up. You can accept that or not, but know that Millie and I don’t need you. If you want to treat me like a little kid, I won’t stand for it. This year has been hard. I won’t deny it, but it has shown me that we’re OK, Millie and I, and we won’t have people in our lives that detract from it. No matter who they are.” 

“If you want to be in our lives, you have to earn it. Do the work and sort out your shit. I’m not going to let you inflict your demons on Millie like you did us.” 

Charlie stood and started to follow Nick and Millie upstairs. “Have a nice trip back.” He shot Sarah a look pleading for understanding at his need to remove himself, and left.

 

Louise Holden arrived first and was having Millie cuddles when Jane and Julio arrived. Charlie had sent her photos sporadically throughout the year with updates on how Millie was doing, but this was her first time seeing Millie since the aborted family meeting nearly a year ago. There was a part of him that felt guilty at having maintained the distance, but she hadn’t pushed, so either she understood and respected his reasoning, or she wasn’t too invested in being a grandmother anyway. Not in the day to day cuddly Granny kind of way, at least.

Julio throws his arms around Charlie in a hug that was reminiscent of the ones he’d given Charlie as a teenager, only now it felt like he was trying to pull comfort from the hug, rather than be the one giving it. Jane hovered behind him a present in her hands as she shivered on the step waiting for the entryway to be clear. Releasing his father, Charlie gave his mother a brief embrace on her way in. 

“Nick’s in the kitchen, Everyone else is in the living room. Louise is in there too.” Charlie pointed the way. Julio went in and they could hear him greeting Louise and Sarah, then dropping into baby talk with Millie. Jane looked after him, but hesitated.

“Charlie, is Nick…just a friend? Or more?” Jane asked tentatively.

“More.” Charlie answered simply. 

“I thought so.” She paused. “And you’re sure you’re not just latching on to him because he was there when Tori wasn’t?” Jane said slowly, then rushed on.. “I don’t want to insinuate anything. I just don’t know him, and I feel like I barely know you anymore, but I still love you and I still worry, and I couldn’t bear it if… if my failings this year meant you got caught up in something that wasn’t healthy.” 

Charlie looked at his mother examining her carefully, there was sincerity and worry in her eyes. “I’m sure.”

“Would you tell me if you weren’t?”

“I don’t know, but I am sure.” he reassured her.

“OK.” Jane said simply.

“OK?” Charlie was expecting more resistance.

“OK.” She confirmed, then looked up. “I’m trying to accept the things I don’t have control over and not expend emotional energy on them.” She smiled tightly at Charlie, then nudged past him to join the birthday party.

Chapter Text

Dear Tori, 

It’s been a year. It feels like forever and no time at all. There are days where you being gone is like a weight pushing on me all day, then there are days where I’m so busy I forget.

Millie is one now. We had a small party, just family, it would have been too much to do anything else. Did you ever think a fifteen year old Olly would be so good with babies? He dotes on Millie, and he’s offered to babysit more than once. I asked Olly to bring me some photos of you. I didn’t have any old ones, from when we were small; I asked Louise for some of Michael as well.

I couldn’t love her any more if she was mine, biologically I mean, but I’m sure you knew what I meant. I still don’t know what she’ll end up calling me, but I promise that Millie will know of you and Michael. How has it already been a year?

Wish you were here,

Love Charlie

Charlie checked Millie’s pinafore wasn’t riding up exposing her back to the cold air, and hugged her close as he crossed the cemetery, wishing he had put her in dungarees instead. They didn’t ride up. Winter was holding on this year and the wind was bitter. The stone setting was done. It was officially a year since they had lost Tori. Everyone had tried to put off their looming grief yesterday to celebrate Millie’s birthday. Charlie was grateful now that Tori had stayed long enough to not have the anniversary of her death on Millie’s birthday. The two events would always be inextricably linked, but at least there was an official delineation, however slight. He strapped Millie into her car seat then met Nick’s eyes across the roof of his car, before they both slid in. Charlie dropped his hand on top of Nick’s where it rested on the gear stick in the centre console. 

“How are you doing?” Nick asked solicitously.

“I’m…managing.” Charlie said. “I knew today would be hard, so I’ve mentally prepared for it, but that was the easy part.”  They lapsed into silence as Nick drove, silent other than Millie’s babbling from the back seat. Nick pulled up in front of the Spring house. “Can we stay here a moment?” Charlie looked over at Nick. “I just…last time I was here Millie and I were effectively running away and sneaking out. I just need a moment.” Nick nodded and took his hand off the door handle.

“We don’t have to go in.” Nick offered after some contemplation.

“Yes. We do.” Charlie said. “Not because it’s expected, but because it needs to be done sometime. And it will hang over me until it is.” He lifted Nick’s hand to his mouth and kissed it. “It will be easier to do this with you here.” Charlie smiled wanly at Nick. “Let’s just get this over and done with.”

 

Nick answered the door to three Springs bundled up against the cold. He’d offered his house as a neutral zone for them to see Millie on Christmas Day, after Charlie had expressed reservations about returning to his parents’ house, but hadn’t wanted them to come to the cottage either. He’d rambled adorably about how he didn’t want to let the messy-ness of their current relationship contaminate the sanctuary. Nick had stopped him with a kiss then offered his house. Charlie had accepted after he had been reassured many times it was OK and not a bother. 

They’d had a quiet Christmas morning at the cottages, then all climbed into Charlie's car, it had the car seat, for the trip to town. Nick had suggested Sarah take the front seat but she had refused and the first twenty minutes of the hour's journey was to the sound of Sarah singing Christmas carols to Millie until she fell asleep.

Olly launched himself at Nick for a hug, feeling quite relaxed around him after a weekend with Charlie and Millie, travelling with Nick after school on Friday and back again on Sunday evening. Nick released him and offered his hand to Julio and Jane in turn. 

“Charlie’s upstairs with Millie. They’ll be down in a minute,” he offered. “Tea? Something stronger? I think Mum was contemplating the brandy but wanted a buddy to get merry with her.”

“I’ll have one,” Olly said with a cheeky grin, before rolling his eyes at the twin glares from his parents. “Or not,” he muttered walking ahead to the living room, remembering his way from the day he played Uncle Mattress.

“Tea would be nice.” Jane said.  “Something warm after the walk.” 

“Smells like snow is coming.” Julio added. “I’d rather walk in the snow than drive, with the risk of hidden black ice.”

Nick was saved from making conversation by the arrival of Charlie and Millie. He squeezed Charlie’s hand as he slipped past into the kitchen to put the kettle on. He returned to find Millie snuggling into Charlie’s chest, shyly peeking out at Julio and Jane. 

“This is Abuelo, it’s been a while since you’ve seen him” Charlie glanced over at Julio, Nick followed his gaze and saw Julio grinning and making silly faces at Millie, “And this is…” Charlie paused. “What name do you want to go by?” He asked Jane, it hadn’t ever come up before. She blinked, like she hadn’t yet considered it. “Uh, Nana?”

Charlie tilted his head. “Really?” He huffed in slight amusement. “Not what I was expecting you to choose. Millie, this is Nana. She’s Mummy Tori’s Mum.” Charlie explained. 

“Hi, Millie. I have something for you” Jane said, holding out a lumpy package wrapped in paper. Charlie’s head shot up to look at Jane as he took the package and pulled it towards him and Millie on autopilot, helping her unwrap it. Millie batted the paper, seemingly enjoying the sound it made, giving Charlie time to pull himself back together. He gently helped Millie to uncover a squishy cuddly toy. 

“It’s Kitty?” Charlie questioned. 

“I saw it and it reminded me of your Kitty. I thought she… Millie could have a Cuddly like her Uncle Charlie.” Jane offered. “There was one like Tori’s unicorn too, but I thought….Anyway I thought she might like one like yours.” 

Jane’s nerves were palpable. Nick wasn’t sure if there was anything he could do to help. His deliberation was interrupted by Olly,

“Hey! There wasn’t one that looked like Woof?” Olly said indignantly. “I guess I’ve been superseded as the family favourite.” He was obviously jesting, but Nick could feel a slight undercurrent of sincerity.

Charlie snorted, “Give over. I was the adored youngest until you came along.” He assumed an air of lofty wisdom. “We all get superseded eventually.” The banter was cheerful, but Nick could tell Charlie’s focus was elsewhere, his brain was busy processing something.

“Oi! Count yourself lucky you’re holding Millie or I would whack you with a cushion for that.” Olly retorted. 

“When…, If, you have a kid, we’ll find one that looks like Woof.” Julio placated.

Charlie swiftly deposited Millie on Olly’s lap, and retreated out of the room. “I’m going to see to the tea.” Nick followed, leaving Sarah to play hostess. As soon as they were in the kitchen Charlie wrapped his arms around Nick dropping his forehead to rest on Nick’s chest.

“Are you OK?”

“She called her Millie. I’ve never heard her say anything other than ‘her’ or ‘the baby’.” Charlie whispered. “And Kitty, My Kitty, is an approximation of the one my Dad had as a kid.” Charlie looked up, his eyes glistening with emotion, willing Nick to understand. “Grandma and Abuelo gave it to me for my first Christmas. So I’d have one like my Dad.” Charlie smiled tremulously. “Like my Dad .” 

“And now Millie has a Kitty, just like her Dad.” Nick grinned and dipped his head for a quick kiss. “Merry Christmas, Char.”

Jane kept hovering near Charlie, looking like she wanted to say something. 

“Can I… will you come with me upstairs?” She eventually said. Charlie looked at Millie, sitting on Julio’s lap. Julio had the photo albums out and was showing Nick and Millie pictures from Tori’s childhood. The fact that little Tori pictures also had lots of little Charlie in them was not lost on either man and Julio was pointing out little Charlie as much as he was telling stories about Tori. 

“Yeah. I’ll just….” Charlie agreed. “Millie? UhChar is just going upstairs with Nana. Nick and Abuelo will stay here with you.” Nick’s eyes met Charlie’s questioningly. Charlie nodded reassurance, then seeing Millie was back to bashing her hand on the photo album, turned to follow Jane upstairs. She led him to Tori’s room, still packed with her personal items in boxes at one end.

He looked at her expectantly.

“Uh..um…Nick seems nice.”

“He is nice.” Charlie responded.

“And you’re sure about him?”

Charlie smiled in amusement.“You know, he had some of the same concerns about me when we met.” Jane’s brow crinkled in confusion. “All he knew about me was I was a man with a baby in the cottage next to his mother. He didn’t know me. He was worried I was taking advantage of Sarah’s good nature.” One corner of his mouth lifted. “Which I was, but not maliciously or exploitatively. She was the only adult I talked to some weeks, other than the health visitor.”

“Oh.”

“But Yes, I’m sure… If I didn’t have Millie to think of I would probably track him down across two countries and turn up at his door.” Charlie said pointedly. Jane blushed. “We’re taking it slow, but I’m pretty sure he’s my person.”

“When you know….” Jane said. 

“Yeah.” Charlie poked at some of the bits left from before Tori moved out, still displayed on her shelf. “Mum.” He turned, Jane looked up. “I’m pretty sure you didn’t ask me in here to talk about Nick.”

“No. You’re right I didn’t.” Jane said. “I wanted to talk about me.”

Chapter Text

Dear Tori,

Mum asked about Nick yesterday, she even listened and everything. It made me realise Nick is my Person. I’m terrified of losing someone again, of being hurt, but I’m choosing to trust. Nick hasn’t given me any reason not to trust him and I don’t want to not live my life because I’m scared. I saw what losing Michael did to you, but I also saw what having your Person did for you, and that gives me courage.

How do you feel about Millie having another Dad? 

Wish you were here,

Love Charlie

“I wanted to talk about me.”

Charlie stood by the bed and looked at her. “I’m not staying to listen to excuses.”

“I’m not offering excuses. I’ve done that enough. Please.” Charlie considered, then giving her the benefit of the doubt, sat at the foot of the bed, then nodded at her to go ahead.

Jane paced back and forth a few times, then turned resolutely toward Charlie. “You know your grandparents are very traditional, stiff upper lip types.” Charlie nodded. “They always had very high expectations. Standards that seemed impossible to meet. I never quite felt like I was good enough.”

Charlie stifled a snort. “Yes. well.” Jane said. “I am seeing the parallels. Now.”

“They made sure that your aunt and I were in all the extra-curricular activities we could do, all for maximising our potential, and setting us up for success.” Jane paused. “It didn’t feel like success. I felt like a project, One that was never finished. I felt like I had to earn their love.”

“When I met your father, I…didn’t feel that way. Your Dad gave his love freely. I don’t think that before I met him I ever realised that love shouldn’t come with strings attached; Your Abuelo and Gran, I felt more accepted by them than I did by my own parents.” 

“When we had you and Tori, I promised myself I wouldn’t put as much pressure on you as they did me. I wanted the best for you, and Tori and Olly.” She looked up. “You three were the best thing to ever happen to me. I’ve seen you with Millie, enough that I think you understand that.”

“I do. It’s why….” Charlie gestured between them, not having the words to encompass all that had happened in the past year.

“I thought so, once I thought about it, after I saw you together at your cottage. I wish I’d had the strength to stand up to my parents when you kids were smaller. They showed their love through criticism, trying to make us better. Wanting us to be the best possible versions of ourselves.” She sighed. “But it was an external metric we were measured against, not our happiness, not our self-worth.” 

“That’s how I learnt love was shown.” Jane said sadly. “I guess I hoped that Julio’s influence would be enough to counteract that. He always was better at knowing what you needed.”

“It wasn’t enough.” Charlie said softly. “I always counted myself lucky that you and Dad were so accepting when I came out. I’ve so many peers whose parents weren’t.”

“At least I did something right,” Jane joked weakly.

Charlie gave a wry smile, ”but when I was outed, when the bullying was bad, I didn’t feel like I could turn to you. When I was struggling to eat, to feel worthy of food, I didn’t feel understood. Maybe it would have been different if I was straight, if I was just a regular nerdy little kid, rather than the whole school’s favourite target.”

“I didn’t know how,” Jane admitted, “and going to therapy… well it felt like if I did that I had failed, and I was never allowed to fail. My parents were quite derogatory about you and Tori going to therapy, like…if only I had been more in control I could have stopped the bullying, or the anorexia or stopped Tori’s mental health spirals. Maybe I could have, if I hadn't been so focussed on chasing the external successes.” 

She looked up. “I don’t know if you knew that. I tried to shield their opinions from you.”

“I suspected they have their reservations about me, but I never really knew if they thought I was weak for my mental health problems, or because I’m gay.” 

“I think…I think I passed my control issues to you. Because everything I did was so preordained, right up until the trip where I met your Dad, I never felt in control and once I had the chance, I just…replicated it without realising.” Jane said. “I’m glad you got help. That you can make things better for Millie. Tori knew what she was doing when she left her in your care.”

“You mean that?’

Jane nodded. “It’s taken six weeks of therapy and I’m still trying to figure out what my issues are and why, but I’m starting to see. I get the feeling it will take a while before I can actually move on healthier.”

“But it’s helping?’

“Some, I suppose. I’m not fixed, but I’m realising my issues, and that’s the first step. That’s what Susan tells me.” 

“Susan’s your therapist?”

“Yeah. We asked Geoff for a recommendation. She’s lovely, but tough.”  

“The good ones are.” They shared a smile, Charlie started playing with the Unicorn on Tori’s old bed. 

“Charlie?” He looked up. “What happens now?”

“What do you mean?”

“With us, and Millie. I do want to get to know her. Be her Nana in more than just name.”

Charlie shrugged. “Then we keep doing things like this. You and Millie get to know each other. You keep doing the therapy work, and believe me it is work. I’m still not ready for you to come to the cottage, but maybe Millie and I can come here from time to time.” He smiled wryly. “It will be like when we visited Grandma and Grandpa as kids, but without the exacting standards and feelings of failure. I hope.” He stood. 

“I’ll do my best to make sure of it. And if I don’t, I trust you to let me know.” Charlie met Jane’s eyes. She was hurting, but determined to do better. “I’m sorry it’s taken me this long.” 

Sarah opened the door to Charlie’s knock. “Hello lovely, both my lovelies.” She hovered her hand in front of Millie’s belly then went in for the tickle. “Where’s my favourite giggle?” Millie chortled obligingly, giving Sarah a gummy smile.

“Hi Sarah, I was hoping I could borrow you for a bit.”

“Oh, sounds ominous.”

“I think it’s time for Millie to move into her own room.” Charlie said.

“Oh?”

“And I need some moral support while I move stuff about. And some extra arms to keep Millie out of trouble,” he added.

“Sounds like you have a job ahead of you then. Do you want me to come over now?”

“If you could. I want to do this before I chicken out.”

Sarah followed Charlie the few steps from her front door to his and up the stairs. 

“Are you moving Millie to the other room? Or you?”

“I’m not sure yet. Do you think it will be disturbing for her to change rooms?”

“Maybe for a few days, but not enough to base your decision around it. Will you be working in your room? Or have you kept a space downstairs?”

“Oh I do that all over, I just need my laptop, maybe a couple of dictionaries. That might change when I start doing book translations again though.”

“I think you should put Millie in the smaller room. You can sleep in there with her for a few nights, then transition back. When you’re ready.” Sarah smirked at him. “And you can move the queen back to the middle of the room then, so you can access it from both sides and no one has to climb over anyone.” Her eyes glinted mischievously. Sarah was well aware that Nick coming up to visit nearly every weekend was not out of filial duty, despite him sleeping at her house every time. She was rewarded for her cheekiness by the blush rising up Charlie’s neck.

Millie watched from Sarah’s arms curiously as Charlie lifted and shoved the furniture around. When he was done they adjourned to the kitchen for a cup of tea. Millie rolling a ball and crawling after it around their feet.

“Thank you. For your help. For all your help.” Charlie said. “I don’t know how I would have coped this year without your support.”

“You would have managed Charlie. I have faith in you.” Sarah patted his hand. 

“I like to think so, but I don’t really know.” Charlie mused. “Sarah, sorry if I’m overstepping, or this hits too close to the bone, but…am I doing the right thing? For Millie. Letting my parents in again.”

“Do you think your mother really can change?”

“I don’t know. She seemed to be trying at Christmas, but she’s always said she was trying.” Charlie wrapped his hands around his mug. “I think…I think I see you and I wonder how David can think keeping Philippe away is the right thing to do.” He looked up at Sarah. “I’m sorry if having Millie here, and helping me, has been painful for you.”

“Don’t be. I have loved having you here.”

“Nick was worried it would be.”

“I’ll tell you what I told Nick, way back before he got to know you. You are not David. Millie is not Philippe. And I’ll add, I'm not Jane. Our situations are different.” Sarah took a breath. “I do want to see David and Philippe, but not if it means betraying my Nicky and abandoning my principles.” Sarah gripped Charlie's hand again and squeezed it comfortingly. “If anything, you and Millie have eased the pain, and proved me right. Nicky is delightful around babies and David is the one to blame for this estrangement.”

“I hope he changes his mind someday. And sooner rather than later.” 

“Me too.” 

Nick woke to the unexpected sound of a baby babbling, reminding him where he was. They’d returned to the cottages after leaving Charlie’s parents house and when he’d made to leave the night before, to return as usual to Sarah’s guest room, Charlie had pulled on his hand and implored him, “Stay”.

Nick had stayed. 

He opened his eyes to find Charlie standing over him, Millie in his arms. “Morning sleepyhead.” Charlie’s eyes glowed with mirth. “No sleeping in when there’s a toddler in the house. Even if it is your half term.” 

“Morning.” Nick responded. “Morning, Millie.”

“Gah Marr Nar” Millie babbled back at him. 

“Millie and I are going down for breakfast. Come down when you’re ready.” Charlie leaned down and planted a kiss on Nick’s lips then retreated to the door.

Nick snuggled down under the covers. They still smelled like Charlie. He could hear Charlie talking to Millie in the kitchen, not well enough to make out what they were saying, but suddenly he felt there was no place he would rather be, and started pulling on his clothes.

“Tea’s in the pot.” Charlie said, not looking around from spooning Millie’s breakfast into her mouth. 

Nick poured himself a cup and leaned on the counter, watching Charlie. “I love you.” 

Charlie paused, then handed Millie the spoon to play with and turned. “Say it again.”

“I love you.” Nick repeated. “I don’t know what changed yesterday, but I want you to know whatever it was, I’m all in. I love you.” Nick looked at Charlie with all the devotion and honesty he could muster. 

“You look like you did that day on the rock walk.” Charlie murmured. “I love you, too.” Nick felt his face spread into a grin. A stupidly wide and happy grin. Charlie’s face mirrored his.

“Can I ask why now? Not just the ‘I love you’, though I’m very happy with that,” Nick’s eyes twinkled, “but the sleeping over.”

“Yesterday, when Mum asked me to talk upstairs… I told you most of what she said.” Nick nodded. “I didn’t tell you she started out asking about you. About how sure I was of you.” Charlie squeezed his lips in stifled amusement. “In those stories Dad told you yesterday, did he tell you how they met?”

“No. Nothing earlier than Tori’s, uh, conception.” Nick said, Charlie’s eyes widened “Not like that!” Nick was hasty to add. “Just that they decided to try to have a baby.”

“Dad went back to Mojácar for the summer between semesters, to stay with Abuelo and Grandma. Mum was on an Interrail trip with a friend. Only the friend's boyfriend came along at the last minute and Mum felt like a third wheel, so she bailed on them in France and took the train as far as she could go and ended up in Mojácar.”

“Dad found her trying to communicate with the locals and stepped in to translate. They spent every day together for a week before Mum had to come back to England, but somehow stuffed up getting each other’s contact details.” 

“A few weeks into the new semester Mum skipped her classes and left Bath. She wandered Cambridge asking people if they knew a Julio Spring. She found him on the third day, and he’d been trying to figure out how to find her. They knew they were it for each other.”

Charlie looked at Nick squarely. “I told Mum I would track you across two countries. You’re it for me.” His eyes softened and a wry grin stole over his face. “That being the case, there didn’t seem much point keeping you at arms length anymore. I love you.”

Nick looked at him with rapt attention almost fearful to look away, his heart full, as Charlie continued,“I’ve been scared to admit it because I saw what losing Michael did to Tori, but I love you, I’m in love with you and I don’t want to lose out on loving and being loved by you because I’m scared.”

“What happened yesterday is that I admitted to myself that you’re my Person.” Nick observed closely as Charlie approached him and reached out, taking Nick’s tea, putting it safely on the bench before intertwining their fingers and cradling Nick’s hands to his chest. “My Forever Person. If you’ll have me.” He looked up from their hands to look Nick in the eye. “So will you have me? And stay?… Forever?” 

Nick bent his head to kiss Charlie intently, trying to imbue it with all the love and passion he’d been holding back while he waited for Charlie to be ready. His eyes teared up as he added some gentle sweet kisses to Charlie’s lips before pulling back. Nick brought his hands up to cradle Charlie's face, brushing away their mingled tears with his thumbs.

"I'm all in, Char. You're it for me too. I'll stay. I'll stay forever."