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Nick closes his eyes as he steps out into the bright, fluorescent light of the hospital corridor, pulling June’s door closed behind him as he drops his head towards the floor.
He tries taking a deep breath to center himself, but the smell of industrial cleaners and antiseptic reminds him exactly where he is, why he’s there, and also of the last rainy night he’d been at a hospital with June. He’d almost lost her then and now…
His eyes flutter open as he shakes that thought out of his mind, clearing his throat as he glances up and down the hallway, pulling the knot of his tie undone as quickly as he can, suddenly very aware that it feels like a noose around his neck and needing it off so he can breathe. He takes in a deep, shuddering breath as the tie comes completely undone, and he leaves it to hang around his shoulders.
He’s always fucking hated hospitals.
With one last glance back at June, he turns and shuffles down the hall towards the elevator he’d come up to the floor with Tuello on, his arms, legs, and whole being heavy with grief. He pushes through a set of double doors and he’s so lost in his head that he nearly misses Tuello, sitting alone in a chair pushed back in the corner of a small waiting area in front of the elevators.
“Commander?” Tuello calls out to Nick as he steps past him and it takes everything in him not to cringe. He’s never wanted the title he has, and here, outside of Gilead, it feels even more foreign. It’s not him. It’s not who he is.
“Nick,” he corrects Tuello, turning to face him, running one hand through the short hair on top of his head. “You can call me Nick here.”
The slightest smile crosses Tuello’s face as he nods once, slipping his phone back into his pocket as he stands and moves to join Nick in front of the elevator bank. “Nick. Are you done?”
Nick shifts on his feet as he lets his name settle over him. Nick . He’d almost forgotten what it felt like to be addressed by his first name, but it stirs something inside him. He likes it, it feels right. Finally, he nods.
“Okay,” Tuello agrees with a short nod and the two men stand opposite each other at an impasse, and Nick takes the opportunity to study Tuello. For whatever reason, he’s always felt he could trust Mark. He assumes there has to be some kind of catch to his friendliness, but he hides it well, and when he says he wants to help, Nick believes him. He doesn’t know if it’s stupid or naive or both, but it was enough to get him here tonight. Finally, Tuello breaks the silence.
“Are you any under time contraints?”
Quickly, Nick considers. He’d turned all the patrols and drones away from the bridge where he’d agreed to meet Tuello until dawn, but there was always the chance someone went over his head and turned them back. Going back as soon as possible is the safest bet.
So Nick shakes his head. He’s already playing with fire, and if he’s been found out, chances are high he’s already a dead man walking. Throwing another match onto the flame won’t make much difference.
“Okay,” Tuello steps past Nick and presses the down button on the elevator, a slight smile on his face. “If you don’t mind, we’ll just make one more stop on the way back.”
The elevator announces its arrival just as Nick pulls his tie fully off and shoves it into his coat pocket, his mouth dry, hoping his decision to trust Mark Tuello was the correct one.
The ride to their next destination is fast but silent. Nick looks out the window, squinting against the night as the car travels first down bustling city streets before gradually slowing until they’re winding through a quiet residential neighborhood. As the car comes to a stop in front of a corner lot, Nick’s eyes quickly dart over to Tuello. He was sure they’d be going to sign paperwork to make their deal official at an office or he’d be going to a detention center, so now he’s more confused than concerned that they’re at what appears to be someone’s home. He gets out of the car hesitantly, following Tuello’s lead, turning slowly to check his surroundings, familiar and foreign all at the same time. He turns his back to the house they’ve stopped in front of to take in the sight of the Toronto skylline glittering in the distance. He’s completely transfixed with the view when a familiar voice cuts through the night air.
“Well, look who’s all grown up,” Rita teases as Nick spins back around, shocked but relieved to see a friendly face.
But then his eyes land on who she’s holding and his breath catches in his chest. Holly. Her dark hair is wet from her bath and curling softly at the ends and she’s dressed for bed in purple footie pajamas, one hand in her mouth, her little doll, his doll, dangling from her other hand.
He can’t take his eyes off her as he approaches the two of them slowly and hesitantly, like they’re a mirage that might dissipate if he blinks, or a skittish animal that might run and hide if he tempts fate and approaches too suddenly.
“Hey,” Nick breathes out as he gets closer to them, and Rita has no patience for his hesitancy. She closes the distance between them and pulls him in for a hug with her free arm. And standing there, pressed against Rita, his daughter so close he can smell her lavender shampoo, he knows he must be dreaming. It’s only when Rita breaks the hug that it hits him— this has to be real. He’d never even allow himself to dream about something like this.
“I didn’t think he was serious,” Rita smiles as she looks Nick up and down as he shifts on his feet, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Mark called and said you were here and he wanted to bring you by, but I didn’t believe it. How are you?”
Miserable.
“Things are okay,” he lies, and when Rita cuts her eyes at him, ready to call his bluff, he’s right back in the Waterford’s kitchen, where she’d always been the one to see right through him when it came to his feelings.
He doesn’t hesitate to change the subject. “What about you?”
They catch up for a few minutes until Holly, restless and bored of the adult conversation, wiggles against Rita.
“Go down,” she insists and Rita obliges, standing her down on the sidewalk. Suddenly, Nick’s attention is focused entirely on Holly. He’s completely in awe of her, standing now and talking. A real little person. His little person, so changed from the baby he’d last seen months ago. He gathers up the courage to kneel in front of her, refusing to waste this opportunity.
“Hey,” he smiles softly at her as she studies him, her blue eyes wide and curious, but not afraid. “I’m…” he pauses, unsure of how to introduce himself to her. He wrestles with the options and he’s finally settled on just Nick, his mouth falling open to speak, when Rita beats him to the punch.
“That’s your Daddy Nick, honey,” she addresses Holly, but Nick glances up at her, bewildered, as Rita nods. “We talk to her about you all the time,” offering Nick a small smile as his breath catches in his chest. She knows him. He’s not a complete stranger.
He’s so lost in his own mind that he barely registers Rita softly touching the back of Holly’s head to get her attention. “Can you tell Daddy Nick hi?” She prompts her.
“Hi Daddy Nick,” Holly parrots as her gaze shifts from Rita back to Nick and his heart almost bursts right then and there as he gazes at her, unable to stop the smile that spreads across his face.
“Hi, sweetheart,” he replies, his voice soft in quiet amazement and Holly stands still, one hand back in her mouth. They stare at each other for a moment, Nick committing every inch of her to memory while Holly grows comfortable with his presence. Finally, Nick motions to her doll. “Is that your doll?”
At his question, she drops her hand away from her mouth and a bright smile, June’s smile, breaks across her face. “Holly hold it,” she announces proudly, holding it out for Nick to see before pulling it in close, hugging it tight against her torso. The smile on Nick’s face grows even wider, threatening to break his face in half. He can’t remember the last time he smiled like this.
“Yeah, you like it?” she nods and he nods back at her, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears. He glances up at Rita, who swipes quickly under her eyes, trying to hide her tears too.
“Thanks for taking care of her,” Nick tells her truthfully. He’d thanked her for the same thing once what feels like a lifetime ago now, back at the Waterfords, one early morning when she’d been up on bottle duty. He means it now more than ever. She’s exactly the type of person he wants in Holly’s life, and he’s genuinely thankful they still have each other.
Rita nods, a grateful smile ghosting across her face. “How is she?”
And with that question, Nick crash lands back into reality as he remembers why he’s here, why he can’t stay, and where he’ll be returning to shortly. His smile falls and he swallows hard. “Her arm is broken, but she’ll be ok,” he answers tightly as he clears his throat, turning his attention back to Holly, her eyes closed in a squint as she releases a yawn that seems too big for her small body.
The smile returns to Nick’s face as the world falls away again. “Are you sleepy?”
“No,” she responds with a shake of her head and he laughs. Stubborn. Just like her mother.
Rita rolls her eyes. “It’s past her bedtime. We stayed up late for our surprise visitor.”
And then Rita kneels down next to Holly. “Hey,” she says, leaning in close to her ear, like she’s about to tell her a secret. “You know what I bet Daddy Nick would like? A hug. Do you think you can give him a big squeeze?”
Nick feels like he might float away as Holly stands still for a moment, considering. He’d love nothing more than a hug, but he can’t even begin to imagine she’ll want anything more to do with him. But then, with a small nudge from Rita, she toddles forward towards her father, pressing herself against him, giving him the best version of a hug that her little arms will allow. He swallows the lump in his throat as his eyes squeeze closed, the tear that had been threatening to fall all night finally sliding down his cheek.
He brings one hand up and presses it softly against the width of Holly’s back, returning the hug, careful not to squeeze her too tight and scare her. He turns and presses a quick kiss to the crown of her head before she pulls away, stepping back towards Rita, wiping away another tear of her own as she prompts Holly one last time. “And can you say ‘Love you Daddy Nick?’”
“Love you, Daddy Nick,” Holly repeats and Nick feels like the ground underneath him might give way, four words he’d never dreamed of hearing, just spoken into reality. He’ll live on the high of Holly’s little voice saying she loves him forever.
“I love you so much, sweetie. And I miss you all the time,” he tells her. He’s never meant anything more. Every day he’s apart from her and June kills him, and every stolen moment they get together gives him reason to go on.
“All the time,” she parrots back to Nick and while he knows it’s not because she understands, he chooses to believe she does. She then turns to Rita, holding her arms towards her. “Ri hold you,”she says, and at that, Rita scoops her up and they all stand, the moment nearing its close. Nick doesn’t know how he’s supposed to get back in the car and leave anymore, and the air is heavy now with the knowledge that the next person to speak will break the spell. Finally, Rita clears her throat.
“Don’t be a stranger, okay?” Rita says, and Nick nods once, the gravity of the world weighing heavy on him again, his brief respite over.
“Yeah,” he begins, turning to glance at Tuello, lingering by the car waiting for him. “ I’ll try.”
“And be safe,” she warns. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
He shakes his head. “I won’t.”
Her face softens as she adjusts Holly’s weight against her side. “I’m really glad you came.”
Nick takes one last look at Holly. He knows now that whatever happens when he returns to the border is worth it. He’d risk it all and more for her. For June. He knows he made the right choice.
They’re worth it.
“Me too.”
June is released from the hospital early the next morning. She’d been sent home with her arm in a sling, a laundry list of prescriptions, and an uneasiness deep in the pit of her stomach that this whole ordeal still isn’t behind them. But still, she was happy to return home to some kind of normalcy, in spite of everyone fussing over her well-being. And even though she knows she should rest, and her body aches, she knows her mind won’t stop racing enough to let her. And so, after they’ve sent Rita back home with gratitude for staying overnight, and while Luke is out picking up her prescriptions and Moira makes breakfast, she makes a conscious effort to be present with Holly, to distract herself from the horrors of their world, at least for a little while.
Instead of going right to bed, she settles on the couch next to Holly, still dressed in her pajamas, a plastic bowl of blueberries and strawberries resting on her lap, completely entranced by the kitten videos Moira had turned on the TV for her. June smiles softly as she watches her.
“Did you miss mommy last night?” June asks her softly, as she brushes her hair back off her forehead, trying to tame her bedhead.
“No,” Holly replies with a shake of her head, not taking her eyes off the TV.
June rolls her eyes. “No’s your favorite word, isn’t it?”
“No,” Holly replies again, nuzzling into June’s side as she does. June smiles and closes her eyes, using her good arm to pull Holly closer against her. They’re still for a moment before June drops a kiss on top of her head.
“Did you have so much fun with Rita last night?” June asks. She’d been worried Holly might have been a handful with everyone gone and her routine disturbed in the midst of all the chaos.
She’s still for a minute before wiggling against the cushions, nearly sending her fruit spilling all over the couch.
“See Daddy Nick,” she says, the inflection in her little voice making it sound more like a question than a statement as she shoves a blueberry in her mouth.
June’s eyes widen as she does a double take, sure she’s misunderstood her. “What’d you say, sweetie? Who did you see?”
“Daddy Nick,” she repeats before laughing at two kittens tumbling on the screen and babbling something about them that June can’t understand. But she’s sure she made out the first two words.
Daddy Nick.
June’s jaw drops as she struggles to find her breath. She needs details, so many more details than her current company can offer. Nick? Holly saw Nick? Nick was here? Nick was here?! In Canada? She closes her eyes and gathers herself. She needs answers. And if Nick was here, there’s only one person who could have made it happen.
She picks up her phone and immediately dials Tuello and impatiently waits while the phone rings until finally a voice heavy with sleep greets her on the other end of the line.
She doesn’t waste time with pleasantries or small talk. “Was Nick here?”
Tuello’s silence on the other end of the line is all she needs for confirmation.
“Oh my God,” she breathes out. He was here. In Canada. Her head spins at the implication, and as a million questions form in her mind, she manages to get two out. “He was here? When the fuck were you going to tell me?”
“It was only for the night. He asked me not to say anything.” He grows quiet on the other end of the line while June tries to decide what she’s going to do, what she’s going to ask next, when Tuello speaks up again. “How did you know?”
June glances over at Holly, now in the corner singing to herself while dumping the pieces of a puzzle onto the floor. The corner of June’s mouth turns up into a smile. Her little spy. Just like her father, she hopes, praying that he took Tuello's deal.
“Toddlers don’t keep secrets, Mark. Tell me everything.”