Archive of Our Own

Monster

 /ˈmänstər/ noun 

an imaginary creature that is typically large, ugly, and frightening OR  an inhumanly cruel or wicked person

“Dadda”

“Dadda?” 

“Dadda!” Mickey began to stir at the tiny voice he heard squeaking in the otherwise quiet dark room. 

There was a time in Mickey’s life when he would jump awake at the slightest motion. The mass majority of his life, actually. He’d wake up swinging if he was touched. Screaming and thrashing some nights if the terrors got too bad. 

He eventually learned how to get passed that. For a long while, he was good at just suppressing it. As a kid not to wake up screaming or else Terry would get angrier. As a young adult just to be jolted and not wake up swinging. 

Those same nightmares and terrors that would keep him up every night of his boyhood were extremely rare those days. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a nightmare for what that was worth. He didn’t like to dwell on those types of things. He tried his hardest to keep his trauma in the past. Didn’t want it to define him or try and interfere with his current life. He hadn’t had nightmares in a while because he hadn’ t been in a nightmare in a while. 

Unfortunately, the same thing couldn’t have been said about Ruby. He understood that while his daughter was his daughter, she wasn’t his flesh and blood in a physical sense. Sometimes he had to take the time to remember that. He and Ruby came from the same mould, awfully alike. Stubborn, loyal, snarky, loved hard. While Mickey logically knew he didn’t pass any genes down to her when he signed the adoption papers, it sometimes felt like it. Every night she would wake up crying. Horrible nightmares kept her up the same way they did to a younger Mickey.

They couldn’t quite put a finger on what was causing her nightmares. She wasn’t getting abused like Mickey was. She wasn’t bullied or tortured on a daily. They were coming up short as to why she was suffering so terribly. 

They eventually had no choice but to take her to a doctor about the issue. They poked around in her head the way they used to with Ian. Asked what seemed to be targeted self-incriminating questions. They allowed it to happen because Ruby didn’t seem to mind and it wasn’t like they had anything to hide. Even the child psychologist seemed to be thrown through a loop. There was absolutely nothing. No rhyme or reason as to why Ruby was being afflicted by the horrible dreams. She just was. 

That knowledge- or really lack thereof, didn’t help them out any.  Ruby was still waking up every night, crying her tired eyes out, leaving her dads to pick up the pieces. No solution in place. 

They did try everything to remedy the problem to their own credit. Have her sleep with all the lights on, on the couch where they could watch her. Ian tried holding her while she fell asleep so she felt safer. He was confident that would work. He was disproven when she still woke up thrashing, kicking him in the balls in the process. They even tried the whole bullshit ‘spraying for monsters’ they saw on some mommy-blogger website. She laughed at them. Ruby was never the gullible type (which was their own fault as they did raise her that way). Melatonin was their last resort, Mickey was against the whole drugging the kid thing but they were desperate for some solution. It, like everything else, did not work. 

The nightmares were affecting the entire household. Mickey and Ian were shaken awake in the middle of the morning by a crying, hysterically distressed child. It hurt them almost as it did her. They tried their hardest to be supportive and help her through it. 

There really wasn’t much they could do. They held her through the tears, retucked her in and stood guard till she eventually fell back asleep. On the worst of days, they would let her crawl in between them. Sometimes the readjusting would work. She would lull back to sleep with no issues. On other nights another wave of horror. Of tears. Of tiredness would come rushing back. On those worser nights, she’d give up on sleeping completely. She’d have to skip school since she was basically a zombie and they’d have to stay home with her. Other than the whole lack of sleep she tended to be her normal self. Still somehow energetic. Happy even. That was a small relief for what it was. She still managed to remain optimistic in daylight. 

Still, despite the day's progress, it was all washed away at night again. She was an absolute wreck.

“Dadda” Ruby tried again. This time her voice was much more shrill, frustrated even. She was on the brink of a new fresh wave of tears as she looked down at her sleeping father, a whine escaping her lip. Ian was unresponsive, despite the fact that Ruby’s fingers were jamming against his arm.

Ian had taken the brute of dealing with the issue. Usually tucking her back in or holding her tight in his arms. He had a natural instinct when it came to caring and nurturing. Not that Mickey didn’t, Ian would often argue that Mickey was a better caretaker than he could ever be. Ian just tended to be able to tend to her faster. He had been up with her for the past week. His middle-of-the-night stints of comfort were weighing heavily on him it seemed. The lack of sleep seemed to catch up to him as he lay there in a comatose state not stirring at all.

Mickey, however, was becoming more and more lucid by the second, Ruby’s sniffles were enough motivation to discard any lingering sleepiness that tried to lull him back to being unconscious. At a much quieter, incredibly helpless “dadda please” Mickey was fully awake.

“Hey” He immediately interjected, a little louder than he intended to be. He could barely make out her shadowy figure past Ian’s sleeping body, so he blindly called out. 

“Hey, sweetcheeks c’mere” Mickey's voice was incredibly rough with sleep. He heard another sniffle. Then the shuffling of tiny feet as Ruby immediately ran to the other side of the bed, glad she didn’t have to face this alone anymore. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes trying his hardest to sit up one-armed. Ruby was by his side now, little fingers holding onto the side of the bed for support. Her features were much more detectable now as she stared down at him. Chapped red nose, tear-stained cheeks and bleary hazel eyes that made Mickey feel a little uneasy. He still didn’t have a very clear view of her despite their close proximity but those sad unsure eyes managed to persevere, piercing into every ounce of empathy he had in his body. 

Mickey inched his body all the way up, sitting against the headboard. “C’mon” He strained to pick her up, lifting her onto his lap with a grunt. He tucked her head under his chin, arms wrapping tightly around her body. He knew the drill. 

His hand rubbed up and down her back, trying to bring the sniffling girl some level of comfort. She wasn’t saying anything, just trying to hide her face in the crook of his neck the best she could. He rubbed little circles in the middle of her back. “A bad one?” his hand reached up to her hair, trying to get her to stop burrowing. 

The question enlisted the opposite reaction he was hoping for. She broke out into a heavy sob, her body shaking as she thought about it more. “Shhh, s’okay. You’re okay kid” His palm laid flat against the side of her head, pushing her back down to his chest gently. “You don’t gotta talk about it, I got you” He felt her readjust, once again trying to hide. He let her that time. “S’okay babyface, let it out” He gave a little sigh pressing his lips to the side of her head.

Mickey rode out the sobs with her. He tried his hardest to just be there. Calm and collected as he let her cry. He swallowed the lump in his throat as the familiar electric shock of anxiety came over him. 

He could feel her tears and snot wet the edge of his collar but he paid it no attention. He also tried his hardest not to pay attention to the festering guilt he felt not being able to do anything but just sit there. He knew he was doing the best he could. Holding her. Letting her know she was safe and loved through soft fleeting touches and sweet nothings. That didn’t stop the pain from intruding its way into him. He wished he could take away all the pain from her. He would put up with everything he ever went through tenfold if it meant that girl didn’t have to deal with even the slightest discomfort. 

He was tense, could feel it in his shoulders. He tried to relax himself, sink into the bed a little. A task made significantly more difficult with the full weight of the girl against him. He took a deep breath in - once again more difficult than he was expecting. 

Mickey took his eyes off Ruby for a split second, sparing a quick glance at Ian, still completely comatose beside him. He was snoring, dead to the world. He didn’t as much as shift when Mickey yanked the blanket to drape it over Ruby’s legs. He figured that was a testament to how tired his partner was, he didn’t blame him in the slightest. In fact, he was a little relieved if anything. He could see how much those sleepless nights were affecting him. He didn’t want to say it out loud but he was afraid all the lack of sleep would send Ian into an episode. He kicked himself for even thinking it. Whatever, Ian was asleep and okay for the time being. Mickey needed to focus on that.

Mickey was saved from getting too lost in his own thoughts when he felt a hand hit his chest. He hadn’t realised that he was staring off into space until he was met with Ruby’s eyes staring up at him expectantly. Mickey’s hand slowly began to rub up and down her back again, he drew his head down, meeting her at her level. “You okay?” his voice rang lamely. He felt kinda stupid asking that question since he knew the answer was no but he was unsure what else he could say. 

He watched as she wiped her hand across flushed cheeks, taking in a deep shaky breath. “Yeah”  Her unsure smile made Mickey’s heartbreak. He couldn’t control the deepened frown that automatically overtook his senses. 

Ruby was trying to be strong. She knew she didn’t have to be but still, she persisted. She was definitely Mickey’s child.

“You don’t gotta be” Mickey tried despite the fact he knew his efforts were wasted on her stubborn kid.

“I know” she squeaked smally. She looked so small. So much smaller than Mickey remembered her to be.

And that seemed to be that. Mickey wished he could have done more. He felt so useless just sitting there unable to do anything more than just fucking sit there. Had to stop and remind himself that Ruby had come to him. Wanted him to hold her and so he would.  She didn’t try to say anything else. Just took ragged uneven breaths, the only thing keeping her from fully hyperventilating. 

That feeling of uneasiness began to bubble up in Mickey again to the point it was overwhelming. He was no stranger to a panic attack. Refused to call them that but still all the same. He tried to shove those feelings deep down. Didn’t want Ruby to see him lose his shit, ever but especially not while she was still in crisis mode herself. He mimicked the breaths she took as that seemed to be calming her down a little. Had to not laugh at the fact he was following an eight-year-old’s lead. 

Mickey reached over to the nightstand beside him, straining to grab a few tissues. 

Ian had gotten into an annoying habit decades ago where he would constantly wipe Mickey’s face. To be fair the gesture always seemed to be absentminded. Ian did have a few years of experience dealing with little kids, who coincidentally, ate just like Mickey did. Mickey had no clue what nerve Ian had developed to go through with it. If Ian tried that shit a few years prior Mickey would have ripped his arm off. The first time he did it, Mickey was too stunned to even move. Ian continued to push his luck and eventually, Mickey just complied. A habit, as it usually happened, Mickey caught on to. He hadn’t noticed he even started to do it till Lip commented on him wiping Freddie’s face once. Though he was beet red and embarrassed at the time, the habit lived on. 

He took a moment, wiping the tears from her cheeks. She stiffened when he did so. The lingering guilt started up again. 

Once he deemed her face dry enough he tossed the tissues somewhere on the floor. 

He figured he’d deal with it later, there were more pressing matters at hand. 

“Ok sweetcheeks” Mickey finally tried to speak again after what felt like an eternity of silence. He rubbed up and down her arm once more, his nose pressed against her cheek in a soft kiss. 

He always felt not great at giving physical affection, but he tried especially since that’s usually what made Ruby feel better. She was a clingy kid, always had been. 

“What we doing? Wanna sleep in here?” Mickey absentmindedly shifted a little to make space for her between him and Ian since he figured Ian was gonna be unmovable for the unforeseeable future.

Ruby thought for a second. Ian was usually able to gauge how bad her nightmares were by that question even if she tried her hardest not to lead them on. “No- I’m. I’m okay” was all she said. “I can go back to my bed”

He stared at her for a second, trying to get a read on what she was feeling. She wasn't giving any signs to help him out. 

“Do you want me to go with you?” Mickey’s eyes were intense on her, he tried his hardest to not give her a piercing glare but he felt inadequate. He knew that if Ian was tending to her right now he would have already got her comfortable enough to entertain sleeping. 

Mickey always grappled with fatherhood. He thought he was pretty decent at the whole thing all and all. He had a good relationship with both of his girls, cared for them deeply. Deeper than he ever thought he could any person. Any child , let alone two. Still, every now and then slowly crept in the overwhelming fear he was usually good at keeping firmly from surfacing. He was trying his absolute fucking hardest. That didn’t help from the thought that he failed as a dad sometimes bubbling up. 

He felt that sitting in the moonlight, hours past midnight, unable to help his kid.  

Mickey thought he was great at caring for Ian when it came to his bipolar. He had spent so much time doing so he better have been. Sometimes he figured he was even better at seeing the tinier signs an episode was coming than Ian did himself. 

It proved itself a much more difficult feat when it came to dealing with his kid's mental health issues. That guilt that he wasn’t doing enough for them was especially prevalent for Autumn who suffered from substantially horrible anxiety. It doubled when he realised that Ruby was now going through the same thing. 

They were so young. Too young to be griping with all of it. He figured he was also too young when he was going through all the shit he went through. Difference was he was going to do anything to protect his girls. The way no one ever tried for him.

He was trying for Ruby.

“C’mon I’ll go tuck you back in” He amended his question.

“Okay,” she accepted, attempting to crawl out of his lap. “Thank you” her voice was barely above a whisper. 

“Don’t gotta thank me” he squeezed her shoulder, helping her out of the bed. 

Mickey led the charge to the kid’s room. Ruby had moved out of the room she used to share with her little sister in lieu of having her own room upstairs where she had her own space. 

She lasted a handful of nights in her own room before the nightmares started up. As a minor solution, she was back in her old bed. Autumn’s room was right next to Ian and Mickey which made tending to Ruby a lot easier. She wasn’t a huge fan of the adjustment considering she fought them for her own room a few months before they gave in. She did begrudgingly agree to the arrangement however once she also realised it did simplify things.

Mickey held her hand tight as he guided her a few feet into the bedroom. “Go lay down” he pushed her forward, watching as she hesitantly agreed, plopping herself in the middle of her bed.

Mickey made his way into the small room. The light from the moon filtered in through their pink curtain paired with the little nightlight in the corner gave him a pretty good view of the room. There were also a couple dozen glow-in-the-dark stars plastered across the girl's roof that Ian had put up a few years ago. They pained everything in a very faint green hue.

Mickey very quickly made his way to Autumn’s side of the room, leaning over her toddler-sided mattress. Autumn was a heavy sleeper. Most nights Ruby’s tantrums wouldn’t as much as even stir her awake. 

On the rare occasions, that Ruby woke up screaming, Autumn would also have a visceral reaction. They didn’t blame her, it was disorientating waking up to screaming, scary even. Those nights, they would have to deal with both of the girls being awake and calming them. That was the case of the night before. Ian had piled them both into Ruby’s bed as he sat on the edge. He tucked them in together, read them a story. Autumn didn’t mind being in the same bed as her sister so long as there was a blanket between them, Ruby just appreciated the company.

That didn’t seem to be the case that night as Autumn was dead to the world, sprawled out across her bed, her red puppy toy held tight against her chest. Her lips slightly parted as she snorted contentful. Mickey wished that Ruby could do the same but he wasn’t naive in thinking it would come true.

Mickey placed a kiss on Autumn’s forehead, pulling her blanket up a little higher as she looked a little cold to him. He then went back in Ruby’s direction.

“She could sleep through a bomb dropping” Mickey tried to humour. Ruby wasn’t in the right headspace -obviously, in hindsight- her unresponsive hazel eyes stared up at him still a little afraid. He frowned a little at her unchanging expression.

He then had an idea. It was a shot in the dark but he figured they had nothing to lose in trying. 

 “Scoot over”

Ruby did, just a smidge. He laughed, shooing her a little more to the side. “Keep goin’ sweet cheeks, going in with you”

‘“Daddy you don’t fit” her voice was small, unsure. At least she was trying to make a joke. Progress, Mickey noted. 

He blew raspberries. “Sure I do, just move”. She obeyed. And for the record she was right, he definitely didn’t fit. She let out a little giggle, pressed against the wall as Mickey wrangled himself in. One of his legs was hanging off the side of the mattress but it would do. 

“C'mere” Mickey motioned her to lay on his chest. She did, head crashing into him so hard he felt a breath escape his lungs. He wiggled around again, securing her against him. “M’sorry you’re still having nightmares,” he said small as if it was something he should take the blame for. His hand reached up, stroking her hair. She gave an unconvincing shrug, a pained sniffle followed.

“I used to get nightmares too, ya know?” 

At that notion she sat up, heading peering over to shoot Mickey a confused look. Once again, her eyes were the only feature he could really make out. Big, glossy, a little hopeful now that she knew Mickey could relate to her. “Really?” She finally made out.

“Yeah, now… c’mon lay down, kid” He lightly pushed her chest down so she was laying flat again. Once she settled down he continued, a little unsure. He drew out a long breath before braving what he was dreading. “Yeah, because of my dad” he was barely able to say.

There was silence for a minute, a silence that rattled Mickey. Then a little sigh followed by a confused, “You have a dad?”

Mickey almost had the audacity to chuckle at her innocence. “Everyones got a dad Bee” 

“I guess” She snuggled into him. “Why haven’t I met him?”

Mickey stiffened a little. He cursed himself for even bringing Terry up. Cursed the urge to want to calm her down by letting her know he could relate. His blood ran cold, the all too familiar taste of metallic filled his mouth. He tried his hardest to swallow it down. His tongue ran over his top row of teeth. He wasn’t a big subscriber to the whole religion thing but he thanked God or the universe or whatever for the fact that Terry died far before he could meet Mickey’s daughters. He realised he had stayed quiet for a little too long. He cleared his throat. “He died a while ago” He finally settled on. 

Ruby went quiet. He could practically hear her thoughts privy to the information she was just given. She finally settled on. “Dadda’s dad is dead too” 

Mickey did snort at that. “Yeah well, guess we’re both orphans” 

Ruby nodded as if she was now deep in thought. If anything Mickey was glad to see at the very least she was distracted. “You’ve never talked about your dad before”

“For good reason”

“Why?” The pure innocence of her voice made his heart constrict. 

His teeth were gritted, hand still rubbing her arm “He wasn’t a good person, baby” 

That was definitely the biggest understatement possible ever but then again he wasn’t exactly favourable to telling his eight-year-old about his long-standing childhood abuse. 

“Oh” her voice rang in his ear. Neither of them dared to move, their eyes still fixated on the faint glow of the stars.  

“Did he hit you?” Ruby’s voice was meek as if she wasn’t sure that’s what he had meant. Mickey felt his stomach drop when he realised that was probably the worst thing Ruby could even fathom a father doing to his child.

Mickey sighed, “Yeah amongst other things” Another hard swallow. Had to remind himself he even brought the touchy subject up in an attempt to try and get Ruby to see he could relate to her. That she wasn’t alone. 

“You’ve never been hit right?” Mickey manoeuvred his neck kinda awkwardly in order to see her expression. She was relaxed still, cheating rising and falling as she stared up at the ceiling

He swore if anyone ever laid a finger on his children he wouldn’t hesitate to revert to that ‘Southside piece of trash’ Ian said he had fallen for so many years ago. 

“No” her voice was genuine enough that Mickey easily accepted her answer. “But you had nightmares about your dad?”

“Something like that. Life uh, used to be a lot harder”

“Oh,” she repeated, clearly unsure what to do with what she was being told. “I’m sorry”

“Nah” Mickey quickly dismissed. “Don’t be, not the point. Point is; I know what you're going through. It’ll get better, promise”

She sat up again, a task made pretty hard by the lack of space. She sniffled, hand feverishly swiping at her cheeks to try and get the tears to stop. “Doesn’t feel like it”

“Hey” Mickey’s voice was much sterner. He too attempted to sit up a little. Once he tried and ultimately failed, he gave up, hand just reaching out to her. “It will” he declared with his full chest. That wasn’t always a thought he had faith in. but now, he had no choice but to believe its genuineness. 

Ruby seemed to be having more of a struggle believing him. She was crying again. Tried to play it off like she wasn’t but Mickey would always see through her facade. Not that she was very good at hiding it. Her face was buried in her hands, just trying to escape.

“When I was your age Bee I never thought I was gonna stop living a nightmare. But here I am. In my own fucking house. With your dad” his voice got a lot softer. “ With you . Shit worked out pretty okay in the end I think”

She sniffled, nodding, trying to accept what he was saying even if she didn’t believe him. “Daddy?” another beat as she managed to peak up from her palms. “What were your nightmares about?”

Fuck. Mickey wasn’t expecting that. Wasn’t ready for that. He felt the electric wave of anxiety consume him once more. He felt stupid in his naivety that just because he was no longer living through it, he thought his past couldn’t hurt him. Another hard swallow, that didn’t do anything to subside the lump in his throat. He knew she was only asking to try and see if she could relate. To see if she could agree with him that things could get better. She needed that reassurance more than anything, Mickey could feel it in his bones. 

He closed his eyes hard. So hard that his vision got spotty behind his eyelids. 

He wasn’t a stranger to talking about his childhood, as much as he wish he could have disconnected from it. He had been to therapy once or twice before. Many years ago when he was trying to decide if he could ever entertain the idea of having kids. The therapist had him talk about Terry. Made Mickey realise he would never be like him.  

“Like I said.” he had to clear his throat again, words felt stuck. He briefly considered just lying. Making up some crock of shit story that was much more suitable to his child audience. 

Even in his flustered state, he did know two things. One, he hated to lie to Ruby. Two, making something up wouldn’t make things better. His mind was being plagued with all the thoughts of his boyhood. Pretending he didn’t go through what he went through wasn’t going to make him feel better. It wasn’t going to help Ruby either.

 “My dad. Dreamt that he was gonna beat me or do worse. Lock me out of the house and I’d have to fend for myself on the streets in the middle of the winter”

Ruby wasn’t saying anything again. Mickey briefly cursed himself, doubting his entire thought process. Mostly worried that he was somehow traumatising Ruby with him. 

Her voice was barely a whisper when she finally composed herself enough to talk again. “You get it” was all she managed.

Mickey had to squeeze his eyes shut again as a wave of emotion came over him. He felt his own tears threaten to spill at how Ruby almost sounded relieved she was being seen. 

“Do you wanna know what my nightmares are about?”

Mickey’s eyes were still closed but he could feel Ruby finally lying back down beside him. He was a little taken aback by the question. She hadn’t ever willing told either of her dads what her nightmares were about.  The child psychologist said it was like pulling teeth to get Ruby to give them vague details. Mickey understood her though. It was a lot easier to suppress the issue when no one else knew what was wrong.

“Not if you don’t want to tell me”

“Well you’re telling me shit so I think I gotta tell you mine”

“That’s not how this has to work, ya know?” 

She was a little stunned at that revelation, confused even as she just blinked at him.

“You don’t gotta talk about it if you don’t feel like it” he clarified. Words reminiscent of what he wished he was told. He hated the pressure of having to tell someone what he was feeling, especially since half the time he wasn’t sure what he was feeling himself. 

“Okay” she went quiet. 

“But you can tell me if you want kid, can always tell me things” he finally managed to open his eyes again once Ruby’s head was on his shoulder. He swallowed down his tears the best he could as he felt Ruby needed to know how much he cared for her. “Whatever, mean it. Even if you’re embarrassed or think you’ll get in trouble or fucking whatever. Me and your dad always got your back. I’ll fuck up anyone for you rugrat, mean it”

She gave a little giggle at that before getting serious again. “I think I want to tell you about my nightmares”

“Lay it on me”

Another deep breath as she gained some courage. “People breaking into the house and taking me or Auttie” 

Mickey choked down any reaction his body tried to display without his consent, trying to remain calm. He definitely wasn’t expecting that. He really didn't have a precedent for an expectation but he was expecting something more… kid-like. Monsters or the cat escaping, something that would scare a kid, not a grown person. He felt his heart drop through his chest when he realised how wrong he was. 

“Or everyone leaving” her voice broke, this all clearly hard for her to recall. “Like everyone and me being all alone”

Mickey opened his mouth to try and say something, anything but she was faster. “And I dreamed you and dadda got murdered and no one in the family would take me” he could feel her tear roll off of her cheek and onto his shirt’s hem. 

There was some cosmic irony there. That the worst thing conceivable to Ruby was her dads dying. The very same thought that granted Mickey liberation. 

He was at a loss for words truly. He had never been so stunned in his life. He had heard a lot of shit. He had been through worse. Somehow this whole interaction was leaving him the most distraught. 

“C’mere” was all he could manage. His arms were shaky as he pulled Ruby close to him. “I know that I can’t do shit about what's happening in your head” his voice was slightly muffled as her head rested against his chin. “But kid, it is just in your head, ya know that right? It's not real even if it feels like it is”

“Yeah, I guess” 

“Thanks for tellin’ me” Mickey held her tight. He could feel some tension dissolve as she seemed to finally stop crying, hugging him back for dear life. He let the silence consume them. He figured they both needed a moment to process everything. Once he figured that she was okay enough he added, “We’re never gonna leave you. Never” 

“I know” 

“Good” He relaxed his arms around her frame slightly. “Fucking mean it, baby”

Ruby paused, pulling away enough to give him a puzzled expression. She didn’t look upset by any means, dare Mickey to think she looked slightly amused. 

“What?” Mickey raised an eyebrow at her, felt a million times better when she laughed at his expression. “What’s wrong? 

“Nothin', you just never call me baby”

She was right. He was never a fan of cutsier nicknames. Not to get the man wrong, he loved when Ian would call him baby, even if it wasn’t incredibly frequent. Was obsessed when he called the kid’s baby. He wasn’t quite sure why that was. Maybe some archaic primal possession. Mickey on the other hand wasn’t like that. In that moment, in all of its vulnerability it kinda just slipped out. 

Mickey immediately scoffed, unsure why he was committing to the lie. He guessed he just wanted to lighten the mood a little.  “I’ve - Yeah, I have”

A very adamant head shake. “No, not ever”

“What so I’m not allowed to call you baby?” He poked her side not wanting to admit defeat. 

Ruby squirmed around trying to avoid getting tickled. She pushed his hand away with a shrug. “I mean that’s kinda dadda’s thing” she cracked a teasing smile 

Mickey formed his own shit-eating grin, going in for the attack. Through her giggles, he teased. “What you don't like that baby?!”

They tussled for a second as he tickled her. He felt a lot calmer then. She was coming out of that scared shell and much more into her regular self. He could feel himself coming back down from whatever fears were harbouring in his own mind too. 

“Stop it” she giggled, a full-on shriek as she tried to poke him back. She did manage to get in a few jabs to his armpit. 

“Okay, okay” He was giggling himself, arms shooting up in defence. “Truce?”

She stuck out her pinky for him to shake. He did, tattooed knuckle wrapping around her tiny finger. 

“Think you’re ready to go to sleep?”

A very unconfident “yeah”

“You don’t gotta” he reminded her. “We can go watch some TV if you want. Just don’t snitch and tell your dad I’m lettin’ you stay up so late” he joked, nudging her with his elbow

“S’okay, I’ll stay here”

He wasn’t sure why she was reacting like she was in trouble, he thought she was doing better now that she got everything off her chest. He didn’t want her to revert back to the terror.

“Want me to read you some shit or something?”

“No, I think I’m okay”

“You sure?”

A nod. 

“Want me to stay here for a while?”

She paused, then a meak “ please ”

Mickey shuffled around again. Their makeshift tickle war had left them both in an awkward position. His head was off her pillow, both of his legs were now hanging off the mattress as he tried to give her a little more room. He threatened to slip off completely but held himself there for her sake, despite the ache in his back that became more prevalent as the seconds went on. He was fine, he could hold out a little longer. As long as Ruby needed him to. 

She didn’t follow suit, she remained sat up. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I am” She looked down at him, eyes shifting, completely captivating. He could practically see the million and one thoughts racing behind those hazel eyes. She reminded him of Ian in that way. She thought for a few seconds more, face scrunching as she came to a conclusion. “I love you daddy” she finally settled on.

Mickey didn’t mean to frown. He was glad she couldn’t see it in the darkness. He just felt so bad for her. He pushed his arm up, wrapping around her shoulder again and pulling her in closer. 

“Love you too” he muttered, lips pressed against her hair. He wasn’t ever shy in declaring his love for his kids, though he probably should’ve more often but something still felt so jarring about those three words.

He knew it was stupid. He felt unconditional love for the kid in his arms, the one in the bed beside him, for his husband. Still found himself struggling to actually say it first. He made sure he always showed it but vocalising it was a whole different ballpark. He was always getting better at it though. Figured that was definitely worth something.  “Love you so much my girl” he repeated much quieter, words already lost in the night air as he kissed her once more. “Sorry if I don’t tell you that enough”

“You do, just thought you needed to know” 

‘Huh’ was all he could think. He had spent that whole night comforting Ruby. He didn’t even realise that in a sense, she had been doing the same thing for him. 

He didn’t say anything back. Just watched her as she rolled over, finally closing her eyes. He pulled the blanket over her and just laid there. He watched her for a little bit, could tell she was still awake from her breathing. She did seem much more relaxed now. Yawned a few times before snuggling into her blanket. Mickey really didn’t mean to watch her for what was another half hour. He honestly didn’t even realise he was doing so. He was lost deep somewhere in his own mind. She just looked so peaceful. He hadn’t seen her that peacefully in weeks. Let himself gloat in the fact that it was thanks to him. She did eventually fall asleep. 

Mickey did mean to get up. Move to his own bed where he had enough room to at least stretch his legs. The whole situation was uncomfortable, his leg cramping, bones screaming for him to get up and move but he didn’t. He stayed captivated in watching Ruby, making sure she stayed asleep this time. Eventually, he fell asleep too. There were no more nightmares that night for Ruby. No more for Mickey either.