Work Text:
Nick shifted in his sleep, feeling unusually cold for a Tuesday morning. He had no classes today and hoped to spend time with his boyfriend before their busy schedules took up their time again. Unfortunately for both of them, Charlie had been busy drafting what the other explained as a research paper for an up-and-coming author, one that he was not allowed to disclose to anyone, including his boyfriend of twelve years.
He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, rolling over slightly as he stretched his arms out, noting how even their labrador—Daisy—was nowhere to be seen. Nick heard a slight crinkle next to him, and his body froze as he turned over to see a pile of neatly stacked paper held together with a piece of twill where Charlie was meant to be. He examined the big, bold letters and traced his eyes over them carefully as he read its title page, a slight smile taking over when he felt the familiar warmth spread across his chest. He wondered what Charlie was up to when he finally processed the paper’s topic in his hand.
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On Love and Feelings: A phenomenological research study on loving Nicholas Luke Nelson.
A Research Paper
Presented to Nicholas Luke Nelson
on November 22, 2022
In Partial Fulfilment of the Requirements for
the researcher’s personal need to become reminiscent of his and the subject’s time together (so far.)
Made and Prepared by
Charles Francis Spring
August 2022 - November 2022
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Curiously, he reached over to the bedside table, finding a note attached to one of their lamps. It read: ‘Good morning, Nick! Not quite sure if you’re up for it, but next to you should be the first—and, hopefully only—draft of the project I was working on for a while. Try not to come down before reading it, alright? I was called to the office today, so I’m sorry for not being able to be there when you woke up, darling—left some breakfast for you on our study table, french toast, one of your favourites. Alright, I have to go. Enjoy reading, Nick! I love you. xx Charlie”
Nick mentally replied I love you back, despite Charlie not being in the room. He picked up the loose papers and trotted slowly onto their study desk. He smiled, seeing the small details of Charlie’s presence that morning. From the half-drank cup of cold coffee that the other indeed forgot on his way out to work to the random pieces of paper littered across their desk, some filled with incoherent scribbles only Charlie was able to discern. The sight was painfully domestic for a Tuesday morning, but Nick loved it all the same.
He sat down, moving the plate of (now cold) french toast and flipped the title page to the back of the pile of papers, preparing to indulge himself in Charlie’s flowery words that describe their relationship. He looked at the pages longingly. This entire paper just screamed Charlie, and Nick believes this was the perfect start to his morning despite wanting to spend it actually next to his lover.
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Chapter One:
The Background of the Study.
Introduction:
The chapter below is separated into four parts, the introduction, the significance of the study, the scope and delimitation, and the definition of terms.
During the afternoon of January 11, 2010, the researcher entered his first form class of the year. It was apparent early on that tens and elevens would belong in the same form groups after their winter break. The researcher wasn’t very fond of this idea, as there was quite a history between him and the upper-level students. Nevertheless, the researcher goes to form after, of course, another disappointing interaction or rather disappointing lack-of interaction with their “partner” at the time. The researcher chatted with their form group adviser, who informed him who he was to be sat next to for the entire year, and this is where the whole experiment began.
The boy whose seat was taken next to the researcher made himself known by the name of Nick. Nicholas Nelson, to be more specific. Although the researcher admits the subject didn’t need to make himself known, seeing as at the time, the subject was a well-known person in Truham Grammar School for Boys; Nick was on the Rugby team he was captain. The researcher would soon find out just how talented the subject was at the sport.
Their interactions were, for a long time; their conversations often led with a weak “hi.” Only on February 11, when Nick invited the researcher into his humble abode, their genuine connection began.
The significance of the study:
The study aims to recall these experiences, which the researcher will use to determine the current status of their twelve-year-long romantic relationship. In other words, the importance of the study is to determine whether or not these collective experiences would continue to lead to what the researcher hopes to be a life-long romantic relationship.
Scope and Delimitations:
This study will be limited to the events from January 2010 until November 2022, when both researcher and Nick knew each other’s existence. It will show these events in the form of bullets paired with a short paragraph about the significance of the said event. The researcher will discuss these further in Chapter two of the research paper.
Definition of Terms:
- Head boy: student leadership roles in schools, representing the entire student body. They usually are the most senior prefects in the school. The terms are commonly used in the British education system and Australia and private schools throughout the Commonwealth.
- Rugby: Invented in the early 19th century as a variation on football, it is a 15-a-side team sport. The game’s objective is to ground the ball behind the opponent’s try line into the in-goal area.
- Truham Grammar School for Boys: A well-known school for boys, mainly focused on secondary education.
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Nick chuckled at how well-organised the introduction page was, although he didn’t expect any less from Charlie. The other always had a work ethic that Nick sometimes envied; he remembered the nights during their university days wherein Charlie needed to be physically pulled away from his papers. Being a former English Literature student does that to you. Despite the lack of restraint in caring for himself, Nick always ensured Charlie knew how loved and cared for he was. He doubted that this research paper would end on a negative note.
Nick had always enjoyed reading Charlie’s work. This simple fact between them made itself known during their years in uni. On days wherein Nick was stressed, Charlie would pull out one of his leather-bound notebooks, flip through until he found one of his calmer pieces, and then recite them whilst running his fingers through Nick’s auburn hair. It was a sentiment Nick always loved, and it is a habit Charlie kept well after they graduated from their respective universities.
Nick ran his hands through the printer paper, sighing softly as he took a bite from the french toast next to him, flipping through the pages after he set it down. He smiled when he saw the first sentence of the paper. His heart fluttered when he remembered the event Charlie was referring to.
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Chapter Two:
The events leading up to the present.
Whenever the researcher is asked when precisely this started, he often has to have a quick sit down to try and comprehend just when it all began. Still, as always, the researcher opts for the safest bet; when Nick invited him into the school rugby team. When the researcher asked why he was invited to join the team, Nick confessed he had seen the researcher running during his gym class. According to the researcher, Nick knew he was still hesitant, and out of instinct, Nick told him they needed an extra player to compete with other schools. The researcher conceited eventually, mentally cursing himself when he pushed through the heavy blue door that following Monday.
As they say, these things tend to come for us in stages. Denial was one of them for the researcher. Having just come out of what he thought to be a serious relationship, he wasn’t sure that he was ready for that kind of commitment once again, and yet, as time went on, he and the subject seemingly got closer as each form group session ended. Their conversations still started with “hi,” only now it was more than that. The two often got scolded for being too loud in form; they always found it hilarious.
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After reading the second chapter’s first paragraph, there was a grin on his face. Nick remembers the lockers and how excited he was that Charlie was joining him during practice—sure, at the time, he thought it was because he could spend more time with his close friend, but Nick got there eventually, didn’t he? His eyebrows furrowed slightly at the unwarranted mention of him. Nick had always had an idea of how difficult it has been for Charlie to trust people, especially after him, who they refused to talk about the moment they stepped out of Truham; they both knew it was for the best. Charlie had come so far from that experience in his life that Nick became afraid to bring it up without proper reason; now, there was a proud smile on Nick’s face knowing Charlie wrote this without a tinge of hesitation. He always felt proud to be a part of Charlie’s healing process. Sure there were terrible days, and there still are sometimes, but at least now they knew how to manage it properly.
It took them a while to get into the rhythm they have now, Nick had to unlearn how to carry everything on his back, and Charlie needed to learn how to turn his experiences into more than just experiences but life lessons. Therapy had been one of the more helpful things they took under their belt.
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The researcher couldn’t help but wonder what exactly this connection could be, at the time being wholly convinced his slight crush wouldn’t bloom into something more profound. Often the researcher would stop himself from hoping, assuming the subject was a heterosexual, and thus them could never happen. This assumption, however, was debunked in April when Nick invited the researcher to Harry Greene’s birthday party, where they shared their first kiss. The researcher couldn’t forget the face Nick had made after their kiss; memories of the subject running away played through his mind for a few months after that, despite Nick coming to his house the next day, giving the researcher hope for a relationship with the subject. This event was information the subject did not know about, but the researcher wanted to note that it is different now and that he is delighted with their relationship. The researcher does not blame the subject for that occurrence, and he hopes the subject does not condemn himself too.
After that day in April, the two began to navigate through not only school but also their newly‐formed relationship. Frequently the situation created rough patches in their seemingly perfect relationship. The researcher and the subject always communicated through their differences, creating different solutions for their mundane problems. To them both, this was a relationship was; a connection full of compromise, communication, and love.
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He would be lying if he said he didn’t blame himself for the delay in their relationship. Nick spent the remainder of his secondary school constantly beating himself up for being too scared to hold Charlie’s hand in the halls and for not being able to let the world see how special Charlie is to him. For a long time, that one singular moment where he ran away from what could have been a life-long’s worth of happiness recreated in his mind. The thought of not having Charlie by his side just because Nick was afraid of who he truly was plagued his mind constantly for a few months after their relationship became official. It wasn’t something he wanted to imagine, yet he did. He still does sometimes; in those times, he held Charlie tighter and took in the soft scent of vanilla and sea salt bath scrub a little better.
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The relationship, however perfect it may have seemed to the outsider’s eye, was still filled with many conflicts, some much greater than any teenager could handle. The researcher admits that those were the more unpleasant moments of his relationship with the subject; he does, however, note that he wouldn’t have known what to do without the subject. Perhaps, he wouldn’t even know how to approach the subject to his parents, seeing as they never really got along growing up.
Mental health has always been a priority for both subject and researcher; they found that the more open they were to the current situation of the other, the more they would understand just what was happening. This was the case until the researcher had to be sent away for special treatment at a nearby facility, wherein he couldn’t see Nick for a few months, leaving them both in the dark. The researcher would never admit it, but sometimes the facility felt more like torture than help. He remembers the night wherein all he wanted to do was curl up next to the subject and wait for the sun to rise. The weekly visits were the only reason he stayed so long in the facility; knowing he was getting better for himself and Nick was one of the things keeping him going for a long time. At the time, they were fifteen and sixteen, respectively, and it seemed like the world was shattering around them. That was until the researcher got discharged from the facility and everything seemed a little better; sure, they still had bad days. However, the researcher thinks the bad days are better with the subject around.
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Sarah Nelson, Nick admits he might owe everything about Charlie getting help from her. The woman he was privileged enough to call his mom helped him educate Charlie’s parents about what the other was feeling, from the lack of appetite to the low energy. They doubted that without Sarah, Charlie’s parents would have even considered listening to their son, as horrible it was to think about. Nick was kind of glad when they moved out of their hometown; Charlie, of course, still has contact with his parents but one can quickly tell the change of scenery immensely helped him.
It’s weird, seeing their relationship from Charlie’s eyes, the cerulean eyes he had grown to love, the same ones that conveyed so much emotion that Nick thought he would drown if he looked a little too hard. He drowned anyway. Nick remembered the facility, how bleak and white the walls were; he remembered how Charlie’s eyes would light up at the sight of him during their visits. Nick remembered how much his heart yearned to take Charlie home after a particular visit where the other had come out with red-rimmed and puffy eyes; he didn’t let go of Charlie for their entire stay, and the latter didn’t seem to mind resting his head on Nick’s shoulder.
Nick’s shoulders tensed as he saw what the next thing was about, their fight because of Leeds. He mentally braced himself for having to relive this moment in their relationship. It may have seemed insignificant before today, but now Nick ponders what would have happened had neither approached after the fight. The universe is a powerful thing; Nick always believed that. In some weird way, he knew the universe gave him Charlie because it just knew that his life needed him. He tucks the last piece of paper behind the others and resumes reading, french toast long forgotten.
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Their relationship took a turn the moment Nick was meant to step into uni. The subject chose a university that was quite far away from their hometown. At the time, the researcher was getting frustrated with the subject; there was a similar sinking feeling of being left behind again. A quarrel broke between them, resulting in their relationship taking a daunting pause. The researcher could only dwell on it for so long, seeing as he had priorities as head boy of their year. However, he finds that the sinking feeling never left, even when he and Nick made up two weeks later after a thorough talk which got their relationship up and running once more.
The rest feels like history after that moment. The researcher barely remembered his last year of secondary school, wanting to get it over with so he could be with the subject again. The stars, however bright and magical they may be, didn’t grant him the privilege of staying in the same university as Nick. Despite the sudden change of plans, the two were frequently seen together on the rare occasion their schedules would line up. Their universities were near each other, so they filled the gaps of distance with lunch dates, and library dates where the researcher would be nose-deep in a book whilst Nick was preparing a lesson plan for his trial students the next day. It was far from perfect, but it was them.
University came with its own set of trials and tribulations for the young couple. The researcher would sometimes be so tired from university coursework that he would forget their mini-dates, opting to sleep until their next class. Although the subject was quite okay with it, knowing how restless they both have been, it didn’t entirely stop the strain that eventually took a toll on their relationship. Their quarrelling became more apparent as they both failed to meet their needs, resulting in a bubbling frustration-although it came from a place of care-blooming between them. The researcher and the subject always pull through these rough patches, knowing it was only because their partner cared that they both tried to get better at their personal needs. With their joint efforts, their relationship prospered, and their overall well-being as individuals flourished.
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Two Universities; The University of Leeds and Leeds Beckett University. Two programmes; Nick in Early Childhood Studies and Charlie in English Literature. Somehow they made it work. He doesn’t know when or how the familiar sting behind his eyes came back but here they were. University being challenging was more of an understatement when your significant other wasn’t in the same one as you. There were nights wherein Charlie’s university dorm would be too far away from his, nights where all he wanted to do was forget everything and run away, go back home to Kent and live with his mum forever.
Nick remembered the silk fabric of his gown and how the cardboard felt underneath the fabric of his cap, the blue and yellow rhinestones forming a small heart at the corner. He had made it, and somewhere in the crowd was Charlie, who looked like he belonged next to Sarah; he couldn’t even get mad at the fact his brother and father were nowhere to be seen; all he knew was two of the most important people in his life were there, seemingly that’s all that mattered. Charlie graduated a year after him, and he recalled the portrait of dark unruly curls trying to hide under the cardboard cap. He remembered bright blue eyes that seemed to compliment his tie, and the medallion that hung from Charlie’s neck hit him gently as Charlie flung himself against Nick, wrapping his arms around him. They made it.
He desperately tries to hold back his emotions. Only now did he realise how far they had come, from awkward secondary school boys to awkward adults who were still trying to navigate their world. Suddenly the flat seems too big for Nick; the urge to find Charlie and enclose the other in a bone-crushing hug, but there are four more pages left in Charlie’s work, and Nick would rather wait rather than not finish the paper Charlie wrote for him.
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This leads us to the present, where the researcher and the subject have just celebrated their 12th anniversary on April 18. Presently they are both twenty-seven and twenty-eight, respectively. However, their life is still filled with nonsensical arguments over small things, such as who left the tv remote near the sink (Nick), which resulted in the other accidentally toppling it over the appliance and ruining the remote. They both admit they wouldn’t have it any other way. Their relationship was never conventional nor perfect, but the researcher thinks it encompasses their strengths and weaknesses; they still find ways to make the other fall to their knees with the little details spread around their two-bedroom flat. Overall, the researcher believes wholly that their relationship with the subject is something worth keeping for a longer time, and he hopes the subject thinks the same.
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Nick knew tears were staining his cheeks. He always cried very easily at the slight hint of sentiment; it made his heart shake and his stomach turn into knots of emotion. There’s always been an overwhelming feeling of love whenever Nick looks back at their rollercoaster of a relationship. But to see it on paper, to see that Charlie felt the same way when things got tough, was something that he never expected to get today. His heart yearned for the other; seemingly, the universe had his back again because he finally heard the familiar jingle of keys and the doorknob turning. Charlie was home.
Nick placed the rest of the papers on the table and focused on the last three pages of what seemed to be Charlie’s over-the-top love letter towards their relationship. He mentally promised Charlie he would finish it before going outside for the day, and he is determined to fulfil that.
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Chapter Three:
Concluding notes.
Hey there, my love, Before anything else, I wanted to say that I love you. I don’t know if I’ve made myself clear with the entire research paper on our relationship (so far.) For the past few months, I’ve been working on this paper, not because I have had trouble writing it, but because every time I reminisce about our time together, I feel this overwhelming love. I feel the familiar warmth spread across my chest that only you have managed to give to me during the last twelve years of our lives together.
Some might say it’s foolish to stay with someone you met in secondary school, but being with you has been the most amazing experience of my entire life. You have infected every piece of my being with your warmth. I fear that I would never survive if I let you go again, much like that cold June back in 2012. Nick. My Nicholas, I have no idea how I survived fourteen years (and two weeks) of my life without you in it. You, my love, have single-handedly ruined me for anyone else. That is something I plan on reminding you of every day for as long as you will have me.
Our relationship has been challenging. We went through many things that would easily break a couple; lucky for us, we’re not quite the typical couple, huh? I say that with the most love because it has been twelve years since all of this started, and I still find myself getting lost in auburn eyes and dirty blonde hair. Twelve years and I still melt when you wrap your arm around my waist or even rest your hand against the small of my back. I cannot imagine anyone else; I dare not imagine anyone else when I have never been more sure of anything in my life than you.
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If Nick wasn’t crying before, he certainly was crying now. He takes a breath and lets out a breathy chuckle at Charlie’s words; they weren’t foreign. No, Nick has repeatedly heard these words and reciprocated the sentiment, but it never seems to fail at making his stomach flip with affection. “Daisy? Come back baby!” Charlie’s voice could be heard from the living room, making Nick chuckle softly as the labrador made herself known by gently pushing the door open. He doesn’t pay much attention, turning his focus back on the remaining two paragraphs in Charlie’s paper.
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You have made me braver and stronger, and growing up with you is the adventure I never want to stop being on. I may be unsure and afraid of many things, but please believe me when I say that, Nick…there is no place I’d rather be than in your arms for as long as this life allows us, for as long as the universe bonds our souls together. I will keep choosing you and loving you above all else.
So, Nicholas Luke Nelson, my darling boy, the love of my soul. Suppose you would be so kind as to put this research paper down and go to our living room to answer this final question by me, the researcher.
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A small gasp left his lips as he looked down at the dog that had been trying to get his attention for the past few minutes. Daisy had a dark blue velvet box between her teeth, and her tail was wagging profusely as Nick finally gave her his full attention. “What’s this baby?” He knew what it was, or at least he had an idea of what it could be; Daisy happily gave him the box, and for what seemed like ages, he stood up from the work stool.
Upon entering the living room, he saw Charlie —his Charlie— standing in the middle of their living room. “I believe this belongs to you?” He tried to get out in between his sniffling. Charlie’s eyes softened at the sight of him, “Oh, My love….” There was a sweetness in Charlie’s voice, which he found calmed him a lot. He wasted no time in pulling the other into a searing kiss, his hands instantly travelled to Charlie’s neck, and the other kissed back just as intensely; they both pulled away with soft smiles and pink tints on their cheeks.
“Do me the honours of being your husband, Nicholas Nelson?”
“I thought you would never ask, Charles Spring.”