Chapter Text
Sirius had woken up the next day with a very, exceptionally, exceedingly horrible headache. Not the kind that you could take an Advil and have a short nap. The kind where you were blind in your right eye and any sound louder than your own voice made your ears ring.
He couldn’t bare it. There was too much sun coming in from the window, his black curtains parted to reveal the busy London streets. He groaned as he sat up slightly, checking the time. Wincing at his unbearably bright phone, he saw that the time was nine in the morning.
Sirius, of course, groaned some more as he tried to sit up without throwing up. Feeling the contents of last night slosh around in his stomach as his arms shook to lift himself up, Sirius has never felt more pathetic. Oh God. He stood up too fast.
His weak excuse of legs carried him straight to the toilet, sprinting out of his bedroom in only his socks and pants (thank the universe). He ignored all other senses as he sank in front of the toilet, finally emptying his stomach of whatever-the-fuck James had convinced him to take shots of. So many shots.
“Pads?”
Sirius groaned for a third time that morning as Remus’ smooth voice rang through his apartment.
“Morning to you too,” Remus smirked, leaning against the door frame.
Sirius squinted up at him and fought the urge to roll his eyes. Remus looked as handsome and striking as ever. How he managed to do so after a night like the last, Sirius hasn’t an idea. He didn’t have trousers on, for some reason, so he was only in his pants and long sleeves The Cranberries T-shirt
Remus held out his hand, offering to help Sirius up. Sirius grumbled his thanks as Remus heaved him from the tile floor, which wasn’t very hard due to Remus’ unnatural strength. He had such a lanky frame, his strength always took everyone by surprise.
Once Sirius was up straight and wobbling slightly, he finally took a minute to process…everything.
He squinted in the light as Remus flicked the switch and scratched the top of his head as he looked down at himself. He flushed slightly as he realizes what he looked to Remus right now. Basically naked, vomit-smelling breath, and wincing at the light bulbs. Great.
“Sorry Moons, I should probably…”
Sirius trailed off as he took in Remus’ demeanor. He was practically bouncing on his toes, rocking back and forth with what Sirius could only guess was anticipation. Remus’ own cheeks were flushed and he had a shy smile as his eyes had an expectant expression.
“What’s going on with you?” Sirius asked, furrowing his brow at Remus’ odd behavior.
Remus faltered slightly, “Just, uhm, was excited you were awake.”
Sirius’ heart stuttered slightly, “You were?” He couldn’t help but ask as his ribs felt heavy.
Remus stepped slightly closer, but Sirius backed up and Remus looked hurt for a second.
“Moons,” Sirius said reassuredly, lightly grasping Remus’ shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting gesture, “Just let me brush my teeth before we talk? I just…threw up.”
Remus chuckled, but relaxed slightly and sounded relieved, “Yeah…right. Go ahead.”
Sirius wet his toothbrush and started to squeeze toothpaste on, but Remus hadn’t moved. He looked up at the mirror to see Remus still standing in the doorway. Just staring at him.
“I’ll see you in a minute?” Sirius asked, desperate for alone time to try and calm himself down.
“Oh! Yes. I’ll be in the kitchen, I saw you had bacon…so I made some,” Remus finished lamely, looking nervous again, eyes wild.
Remus closed the door after Sirius walked away, and spent an entire three minutes brushing his teeth. Half the reason is that he really needed to after the drinking last night and the vomiting this morning. The other half he needed to think about why the fuck Remus is acting so strange.
Acting strange wasn’t unusual for Remus. He was pretty eccentric and passionate about mundane things, but the energy didn’t seem like his usual excitement. It was like he was waiting for Sirius to say or do something. Did Remus expect something of Sirius? Had he made him a promise?
Then, Sirius began to overthink, like he usually did when he was alone with his thoughts. His stomach dropped. Did he say something last night? Did he do something last night? He can’t remember. Shit, he can’t remember!
Oh God. Remus is going to reject him. Sirius can’t remember, but the only explanation is that he had confessed while he was blacked out and Remus is going to show no mercy by recounting the moment and brutally rejecting him. That would be the only explanation for Remus’ nervous hesitation. Sirius was gonna shit his pants.
Sirius felt a lump in his throat as he swallowed down ibuprofen (which he hopes will help at least one of the numerous aches in his body). He splashed some cold water and brushed his hair with his fingers.
Giving himself a once over, he lightly slapped his cheeks to make himself more alert. He needed to be ready for this conversation.
He slowly walked towards the kitchen and his stomach sank as he saw what he’d always wanted. Remus, scratching his head as he tries not to burn both the bacon and eggs. On the days that Remus slept over (usually after the group's night outings), Sirius felt his longing a little more hard. To wake up in an empty bed while the man you love is just outside your door. To fall asleep cold knowing he’s so close. To watch him cook you breakfast, but never in the right context. Now there was no chance he’d have that. Why did he have to be so stupid and get so drunk? He should know his limits around those whiskey-colored eyes. Sirius couldn’t stop the sad sigh.
Remus must’ve heard it because he turned around with a bright smile on his face.
“Hello, you,” Remus purred, the way he was looking at Sirius sent chills down his spine. Like he was a treat.
Since when did Remus purr?
“Hey,” Sirius said casually, completely confused.
Remus turned back to the food and started plating them.
“About last night-“
“Last night was-“
They both started, each laughing nervously.
“You go first, Pads,” Remus said kindly, a sparkle of something in his eyes.
Remus served Sirius his plate, then sat down, offering his undivided attention.
“I just want to say that, whatever I said or did last night… could we just forget about it?”
There was a loud clash as Remus dropped his metal fork on the hardwood floor. Remus rushed to bend down and grab it, ending in him bumping his head on table during the uptake.
“You okay, mate?” Sirius asked, concern in his voice.
“Mate? Jesus. God, I’m so-“ Remus put the fork down and searched Sirius’ eyes. He must’ve not liked the answer he got because he stood up immediately, “Let me just clean up, then I’ll get out of your hair.”
“What?” Sirius’ heart was beating faster than it ever had. He knew that there was a possibility Remus would stop being his friend, but he didn’t think he would just…leave?
Remus didn’t answer as we went over to the sink, scrubbing the pans that were piled up.
“Remus, slow down. Can’t we talk about it at least? I mean I didn’t think you would be this upset. I’m so sorry.”
Remus threw the sponge he was using into the sink and fully faced Sirius now. He looked hurt, “Sirius, in what fucking world would I not be upset right now? After all the shit you said last night, you’re just telling me to forget about it?”
“I- well I thought that might be best. We can just pretend it never happened-“
This was, apparently, not the right thing to say, because Remus’ eyes started to swell.
“Fuck, Moons, I’m so sorry. I don’t even remember what I said to you last night-“
“You don’t remember?” It was barely a whisper, Remus’ eyes were red-rimmed and a constant stream was running down his cheeks. Sirius could count on one hand the number of times Remus had cried in front of him in the thirteen years he’s known him.
“No, I swear. I was so drunk I wasn’t even thinking straight.”
Remus was just silent now, nodding his head. It seemed the more Sirius talked, the more Remus was becoming sadder and sadder.
“Moons, please…”
“God, just give me a fucking minute,” Remus snapped.
For once in his life, Sirius listened.
“I just…” Remus was done washing the dishes, and was grabbing his sweatpants that were on the back of the couch, “I need a minute. I’m sorry, but I’m not sure if I can just ‘move on'. What you just did, Sirius? I’m not sure I could ever-“ he stopped himself, and by this point, he was putting on his shoes.
“No-“ Sirius’ voice choked as he started to plead, but one look from Remus made him recoil.
“Give me time,” was all he said, as he opened the front door of the apartment. Sirius was crying now too, he was sure. Both men stood there, unsure of how to mend it. Remus, in the doorway with his eyes averted, taking deep breaths. Sirius, in the living room still, staring and breathing in quick short spurts. Without another word, Remus closed the door behind him.
Sirius was left alone, standing in the living room. The worst outcome, the reason why he had never confessed before, had just happened. His greatest fucking fear.
He lost Remus.
There was a long creak as a door in the apartment opened. A slight footfall, and then a voice Sirius could barely hear.
“Sirius?” Marlene’s voice came through, “Are you alright?”
Sirius barely made it to the kitchen sink before throwing up.