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being powerful was good, zam would admit. however, having too much power was a problem.
enemies and allies alike, zam saw how immense power was addictive and knew how it felt: the adrenaline coursing through his entire body, feeling as if he could do anything and take anyone in a fight. it was exhilarating, and zam enjoyed having power— at least in the moment. not long after, when he thinks back on it, he feels like throwing up, ruining himself, anything to get rid of what made him think he was at all deserving of that godly control.
the way zam saw it, he wasn’t a god or holy or any sort of saint. instead, he followed his gut. the gut that’s overjoyed to see his allies. the gut that suffocates him when he questions them. the gut that follows his morals. the gut that makes him feel like he’s drowning when he ignores them.
running away was a passing thought of his. zam could abandon his allies, the ones he believed would take his actions as an attack, and seek out new ones. or, better yet, zam could put an end to himself: no decision needed to be made and no consequences of said decision in that case! yet, regardless of what he thought, his tightening chest left him gasping for air.
after all, wishful thinking wouldn’t stop the wetness dripping down his cheeks he didn’t want to acknowledge. it wouldn’t stop mapicc and ro’s faces from twisting into utter horror upon discovering his treachery. it wouldn’t stop them from assuming the worst of him. though, as much as his actions might lead them to believe otherwise, zam truly didn’t want to hurt them.
yet, despite it all, zam sat at the top of a mountain with his communicator in hand. he stared at the screen only looking away to mournfully wipe the teardrops that refused to stop rolling down his face as he waited.
all zam needed was for ro to show up and accept his oncoming slaughter. after ro was killed, zam could explain his thoughts, explain why what they have been doing as a team was so corrupt, explain why this was all for the greater good.
laughable, the situation was, it was laughable; he felt hysterical thinking it over. with a smile too wide that dug into his cheeks, zam reminded himself that it wasn’t going to be that easy; it never was.