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The Captain and Kitty were laying shoulder to shoulder on the fresh lawn of Button House staring up at the clouds. The Captain wasn't quite sure how he had become involved in this situation.
The last thing he remembered was being upset that Alison couldn't time his morning run due to the new guests her and Michael had staying at the gatehouse.
If the guests saw her standing at a window with a stopwatch shouting "ready, steady, go" then they would think their B&B owners were insane and would probably not want to stay here much longer.
That was good for Fanny he supposed but he did rather enjoy the company of new guests even if they did disrupt his daily routine.
Kitty had spotted him in a state of confusion and had told him that she would assist him in learning to 'live in the moment'. Whatever that means.
So after a stroll around the fields and Kitty offering to teach him her new dance routine, to which he politely declined, they had settled on the grass.
Kitty mentioned that she always used to watch the clouds when she felt lonely as the shapes of animals and little people gave her some company. The Captain had never considered watching the clouds before.
He had been stargazing once or twice on particularly clear nights during the war but never was he out during the day. He wasn't aware that clouds could provide such comforting entertainment.
"That one looks like a butterfly" Kitty pointed up a large multiple edged cloud that was floating overhead.
She certainly had an eye for the details. The Captain supposed that it was nice having a young innocent eye to point the different shapes out for him instead of having to rely on his old rusty ones that were blurred with the horrors of war.
As much as he liked military equipment, he would much rather gaze at a cloudy animal instead of a cloudy gun.
"It certainly does! Butterflies are admirable creatures don't you think?"
"I think they're very pretty."
"You see, they are very clever. They start out as tiny caterpillars but as time goes on they build a small cucoon for themselves, a shell or even a tank if you like. The shell keeps them safe whilst they grow and change into a butterfly. Eventually the cucoon will break and one day they will come out and be their true fabulous selves."
The Captain solemnly smiled after realising the metaphor he had just created for himself. He secretly hoped that Kitty wouldn't catch on because he believed that she was too naive to understand. And he didn't want her to run around spilling his secrets to the rest of the houses' inhabitants.
However he did trust her the most and he had been putting it off for months so perhaps it wouldn't be wrong to tell her after all.
"I wish I was a butterfly." Kitty added
"Now you wouldn't want to be one of those! Would you want to fly around all day landing on flowers and freely expressing your-" He cut himself off before he was able to say it again.
He was going to say expressing your true self.
How he would love to be a butterfly that is able to come out and be his fabulous self everyday.
If only it was that easy. Perhaps it could be if he wasn't so much of a coward.
He thinks that he is ready. This was the best opportunity he could have to express himself. And he was in front of the most caring member of Button House.
He started to open his mouth to speak and then.... Kitty cut him off.
"Do you like to sing Captain? What's your favourite song? Mine is 'There's a lark in the bushel' "
When Kitty became bored of certain conversations or when it was too quiet for her liking she would create aimless comments to change the topic. But the Captain didn't mind that at all as long as it kept him distracted from his wandering thoughts.
"I'm not quite sure Katherine. There are many wonderful songs. I don't believe that I can pick just one."
Kitty thought for a moment wondering how to answer him. "What about the one you used to play on the machine in your office? I liked that one a lot. I remember watching you and your friend dancing to it one night. You looked terribly happy."
The Captain was silenced. He knew precisely what song Kitty was talking about. How could he ever forget that night.
~~~
1944
The Captain and Lieutenant Havers were sitting opposite eachother around the office desk. It was a rather warm day so they had both removed their jackets and ties to ease the stuffiness.
They were both neatly filling in forms and Havers had finished with his pile. He clicked the cap onto his ink pen and placed it down on top of the finished paperwork. There he sat for several minutes just staring at the Captain.
Of course the Captain pretended not to notice whilst he carried on signing forms but he could feel the presence of two burning eyes on his forehead.
He tried his absolute hardest to keep the blush down because being made to feel this way was entirely improper especially when it's an officer of a lower rank causing such innapropriate feelings.
The Captain kept telling himself how brilliant it was to have him back. Lieutenant Havers had returned from the North African front several months ago and had settled back nicely into his previous position. It was like he had never left.
The Captain decided to interrupt the soft silence.
"I say Havers, you don't have to stay here now that you are finished. I can dismiss you for the night if you would prefer."
"No thank you Sir, I'm rather enjoying it here."
The Captain looked out of the top of his eyes and saw a faint smirk pull at Havers' face but chose to ignore it and focus on the never-ending paperwork.
So he nodded and continued signing his name still not daring to move his full head to look upwards.
"Sir, I think you ought to have a break. You've been working on this all night and it's getting late."
Havers was right. It was now nearly 2200 hours and he had been working since 1900 hours.
"Sorry Havers no can do. I have much left to complete."
"Forgive me Sir but I'm sure that those papers are not due for a few days yet."
The Captain placed his pen down and lifted his head up looking Havers straight in the eyes and lifting an eyebrow. He swore that he saw a hint of pink creep onto Havers' cheeks.
"I'm afraid you've caught me out Lieutenant" he chuckled "Now then why don't we have a drink?"
The Captain stood up and walked swiftly over to the cabinet at the side of his office where he kept some glasses and a decanter filled with whiskey.
Just as he was pouring the bottle he was startled by a series of chords coming from the gramophone behind him.
The opening of his favourite song sounded out. 'Cheek to Cheek' by Fred Astaire. How the bally hell did Havers know that was his favourite?
He finished pouring a generous amount into both glasses and set them down on the desk.
"I say Havers how did you know that this was my favourite song?"
"Lucky guess Sir. And it just so happens to be my favourite too."
They smiled at eachother which made the Captain extremely nervous for some bizarre reason. What a strange coincidence that they both had the same music taste.
Just as the Captain was about the sit down Havers started talking.
"Sir? Would it be awfully wrong of me to ask you for this dance?"
The Captain stood staring at him open mouthed.
"H-Havers that would be terribly improper. We cannot be enjoying such luxuries whilst our fellow soliders are risking their lives out in the battlefield."
"I don't mean to argue back Sir but it is our favourite song and I do require some practice if I am to dance with the ladies at the village gathering next week." Havers' eyes pleaded to him.
How could he argue with that handsome face?
"I- fine Lieutenant but just this once. And may I remind you that I am not the best dancer." He saw Havers' eyes light up.
"No problem at all Sir. And thank you."
They approached eachother and met in the centre of the room.
"How do we..."
"Ah just how you usually would with any woman down at the village. Your hand goes here and mine goes there. And the our hands join together here."
They felt a spark of electricity with each touch, the heat radiated through the connected parts of their bodies. The Captain's hands ran with sweat and his whole face had turned bright red.
"There we go Sir."
"No need for such formalities Lieut- Havers."
"William"
"William. Thank you"
He loved how the name sounded on his tongue. Three perfect syllables neatly rounded off.
Then just as the second chorus started, they began to move. They swayed eachother around the room secretly pulling the other closer and closer. They were actually doing it. Two men dancing together. How ridiculously improper.
Oh but how ridiculously wonderful. And quite a fitting song for the situation they had found themselves in.
The fourth verse could be heard faintly through the deep inhales of breath.
Oh, I love to go out fishing
In a river or a creek.
But I don't enjoy it half as much
As dancing cheek to cheek.
They were still spinning around together. Their shirt covered chests hugging eachother. Strong arms gripping eachother. Spinning around and around to mask the dizzyingly painful world.
Dance with me, I want my arms about you.
The charms about you
Will carry me through to...
Havers bent The Captain backwards and practically laid on his chest. His breath hitched. Eyes stared into black holes of emotion.
Just as The Captain thought his back would break or his knees would give out he was pulled upwards still clinging onto Havers.
Heaven... I'm in heaven,
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak.
They stopped moving and stood completely still in the centre of the room impolitely staring at eachother. They didn't care about politeness or proprietary.
The whole world has paused for them to finally let them enjoy a moment of happiness together. Just them against the war. Havers untangled their hands and raised his up to caress the Captain's cheek.
And I seem to find the happiness I seek,
When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek.
With the final beat The Captain pulled Havers as close as humanly possible until their noses were touching. Both men looked patiently for a sign in the eyes of the other. The Captain couldn't be sure that he had found it so Havers took charge instead.
And he pulled the other man into a gentle kiss. Not too much, just a slight touching of lips.
Havers opened his eyes and jumped back after seeing his Captain staring at him wildly.
"Oh dear lord I am so sorry Sir that was entirely innapropriate of me I shouldn't have taken it that far..."
"Havers."
"Please don't report me I can move away again and never return please..."
"William" The Captain moved forward to where William was standing and embraced the fear in his eyes. "It's ok"
Then he kissed him again but more passionately than before. They threw themselves at eachother and clung tightly to their clothes. All the painful years of pining were being released in these few moments.
No more hiding from themselves. They had found someone to embrace their difference.
~~~
"Well um that was my favourite song. It is called 'Cheek to Cheek' and it is quite romantic actually..."
He let out a series of strange Captain noises.
"Oh how wonderful! You need to teach me the lyrics! I love romance"
The Captain gently smiled with his eyes still fixed upwards towards the heavens.
"Oh look Captain! That one looks like two hearts!"
Indeed it did. Two fluffy white hearts to remind him of all he had loved and lost.
This was the perfect opportunity to tell her. She was the most understanding person at Button House and surely wouldn't judge him.
"Katherine... I have something that I must tell you but you must promise not to tell a single soul. It must be kept strictly between us."
"I promise. What is it? Tell me!"
"I...I...I'm. Well I suppose... I'm gay."
"Oh how wonderful! I'm happy too!"
"Katherine...you do know what gay means don't you?"
"Yes it means that you're happy."
"Well it does mean that too but that was not what I meant. I meant it in the context that I like... men. I'm a er homosexual." He cleared his throat awkwardly.
"I like men too! Does that mean I'm gay?"
"No it doesn't. Because you are a Lady Katherine, and well I am not."
"Oh. But you like men? How wonderful!"
"Yes"
"Are you courting someone? Is it the man that you danced with? What was his name I've forgotten."
"Havers. Lieutenant William Havers."
The Captain fell silent whilst thinking about his Havers and Kitty noticed.
"It's ok Captain I remember you being sad when he went. He must have been a wonderful friend if you miss him so much."
"He was Katherine. He was wonderful. I loved him."
The Captain panicked. He'd just accidentally let his private emotions slip.
"By which I mean that I liked him... as a friend."
"I know, I like my friends too. Especially you. But I think you liked William more that I like my friends."
"I suppose I do." The Captain thought about William and he realised how much he missed him. He was so used to bottling up those emotions that he'd almost erased them from his brain.
"Oh so that's why you kissed! I thought it was a strange thing for friends to do!"
"Well he was a very good friend to me. Perhaps he could have been more. If only we'd had time."
He had finally expressed his true self. And it felt like a boulder had been lifted from his shoulders. He was on top of the world.
And as he continued looking up at the clouds he saw a small pink butterfly swooping down through the air.
He finally understood what it feels like to be a butterfly.