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Sky liked to think that he was an observant person.
He tries to stay away from the spotlight because it’s hard to see what’s around when all he can see is light. He tries to be the best friend that helps out, be the main character’s sidekick. If he’s the sidekick then no one expects anything from him.
He had done well with staying on the sidelines for a while too.
Gun had made it difficult to trust people so it hadn’t been particularly hard to stay on the outskirts at the end of high school. He’d been isolated and made to push away any and all friends that might have helped him get away from the abuse. There had been no people to cast the spotlight at him.
Sky honestly had expected university to be more of the same.
It had been his plan too. Keep his head down, do the work, be on friendly terms with people so he could have people to study with and be in group assignments with and maybe fight off a bit of the gaping chasm of loneliness in his heart.
He hadn’t expected Rain.
Rain had barged into his life, literally, and never left. With seemingly endless energy, a sunshine smile and an innocent outlook on life, Rain was his polar opposite. Yet they worked. Rain, after falling into him during registration, had grabbed Sky and declared Sky his saviour and insisted (very intently, despite Sky’s multitude of protests of varying intensity) to buy him food. From there it was like Rain refused to let go and he had quickly made himself a space next to Sky.
Rain, contrary to first appearance, was smart and resourceful. Despite his loud voice and easy laugh, he was insecure of himself and his work. His heart was in the right place, however, and he was fun to be around, so Sky didn’t mind the easy friendship that Rain brought. Rain also pulled the spotlight away from Sky, which suited him just fine.
After Rain came Sig and Por, and the three of them caused enough chaos to keep Sky busy whether he liked it or not. He was their not-so-silent support, their conscience, their guide. He liked that role. It made him feel useful and seen without it being overwhelming. He could usually steer them to the goal, or at least distract them from their side-quests.
As was his wont, Rain found a new fixation as soon as he met Phayu. Sky hadn’t expected it to become quite such a permanent obsession as Rain more often than not lost interest after only a few days. But with Rain’s fascination of Phayu, Sky had to dig back into his past that he had wished stayed buried forever, lest Rain do something questionable. He thankfully hadn’t needed to explain to Rain how he found his information about the Street Circuit where Phayu would be, but it had been hard to get back in touch with that world.
From there, it was as if life decided to speed up.
He had met (well, happened upon is probably a better phrase) Prapai, made the dubious decision to sleep with him, tried to put it out of his head only to be pursued by the man, and eventually been unable to resist him.
Prapai made it damned hard not to fall for him. He was everything Gun hadn’t been; attentive, kind, caring, soft, affectionate. Well, Gun had started out nice, but quickly shown his true colors. Prapai had always shown his true colors, but Sky had been too scarred, too jaded, too afraid to see them.
Sky knew he had found the man to break down all his walls, the one person he could finally breathe with. Prapai saw HIM, saw what Sky didn’t want everyone to see, shone the spotlight on Sky without putting Sky on the spot. It was strange to experience the kind of relationship Sky had only seen other people in. One where there was no coercion, no subterfuge, no accusations. Prapai accepted Sky for who he was, believed him, supported him.
All he asked in return was to be beside Sky, be given an ounce of affection.
How was a person supposed to resist that?
Then it had all gone to hell. Again. Gun returned, brought everything back. He mocked and belittled Sky’s relationship with Prapai, lied and taunted. Sky had known everything Gun said was false, but it was hard not to regress into the person Gun had groomed into an obedient doll when everything was so familiar. The words, the setting, the atmosphere, the smell… It was a portal into the past.
Sky locked away his mind when the attack on his body didn’t stop.
Sky locked away his heart when he understood he wouldn’t be saved.
He would always remember what happened that night, but most of it in a sort of detached, seen-it-in-a-film sort of way. He remembered the pressure of Gun on top of him, the threats, the leering. He remembered the emptiness in himself.
He also remembered shouting. He remembered the chill of Prapai’s raised voice – not directed at him, thankfully. He remembered Rain’s hurt and worried voice. All of it was covered in a sort of dream-like film. He knew it had happened, happened to him, but his mind and body didn’t really register them as events he had participated in.
Prapai’s wet, broken voice pleading with him to react and allow Prapai to take care of him had been his first true memory. Prapai’s face had swum into focus as if he’d been underwater and just broken the surface, and the pain in his eyes had been like a stab to Sky’s own heart.
Words had been hard to form, but for Prapai he had tried.
“Why are you crying, P’ Pai?”
Prapai’s eyes contained enough hurt that Sky hurt for him. Logically he knew that Prapai wasn’t actually hurt, but he wanted to reassure him that he didn’t need to hurt. This was something Sky had lived through before, he had experience, it wasn’t worth Prapai’s tears.
To be asked to cry was novel. Gun had told him to suck it up, to keep it in. Emotions weren’t welcome. It hadn’t mattered if he’d cried or yelled or begged. Nothing had changed. So why would it help now?
“Nothing gets better even if I cry.”
Dread had filled him as Prapai protested. Sky had said the wrong thing, he’d disappointed Prapai, he had only made the pain in Prapai’s eyes darker, the lines around his mouth harder.
To have Prapai tell him he loved him even after everything had been what had set Sky free. The tears had fallen, the desperation unleashed. Prapai had caught him, squeezed him tight, held him together as he broke.
Time had been fuzzy again for a while after that.
Sky remembered passing Rain and Phayu in the living room on their way out. He remembered trying to signal to Rain that he was fine, but being tucked firmly in Prapai’s arms had been more important at that moment. Rain had Phayu. Phayu would take care of Rain.
There had been a car ride too, lights flashing by as they drove through the city. A general impression of the mansion Prapai called his family home. Large rooms that spoke of comfort on a luxury scale. He had only understood he had been guided to Prapai’s room by the scent. It had brough him equal amounts of comfort as the physical person next to him.
Sky had finally told Prapai everything that night too. Too scared to leave it in the dark any longer.
Prapai had been a silent support, a warm, soothing presence. Sky had known his story would hurt Prapai, hurt in ways that he didn’t quite understand, but hurt none the less. A man like Prapai lived in a world where abuse and rape were stories on the news, ghost stories. Sky knew them as reality.
*-*
Sky liked to think that he’s an observant person.
Which is why it bothered him when he figured out that Prapai hadn’t slept in a while. At least not a solid night. The dark circles under his eyes, the sluggish movements. It didn’t take a genius to understand that Sky’s worst nightmare was also Prapai’s, and that night had taken its toll on Prapai too. Probably more so than on Sky.
Prapai had been Sky’s biggest supporter, his safety, but he would also have his own emotions to battle with. Yet he had barely left Sky’s side for days. Even now, as he worked, he chose to work from the couch in the living room, laptop on the coffee table, documents spread out around him, within Sky’s reach.
“P’ Pai?”
Sky watched as Prapai’s head immediately turned to him, attuned as ever to Sky’s needs. The documents in Prapai’s hands dropped to the table and he shifted closer to Sky on the couch.
“Yes, baby, what is it?” Prapai’s hand hovered above Sky’s thigh for a second, as if unsure before it settled on his leg, spreading warmth. “Do you need anything?”
Sky contemplated his phrasing. He didn’t want to make Prapai feel guilty, which was a big risk, but he also needed to understand what was going on in Prapai’s head. He had been too much in how own head for days, knowing he was safe with Prapai to process what he’d gone through, and now he needed to make sure Prapai could heal.
“Come here,” Sky asked, flipping the blanket open and stretching out his arms.
The fuzzy blanket he had around him had been a constant presence. If Prapai hadn’t been the one to wrap him in it, it had been Phan or Plerng. Prapai’s mother hadn’t physically wrapped the blanket around him but the tightness in her face had only eased when Sky was wrapped in something soft and cozy.
The whole family took comfort seriously.
Prapai blinked. His eyes tracked between Sky’s face and his open arms. “Huh?”
Sky shook the blanket again and smiled softly. It hurt to see Prapai’s hesitancy. A few weeks ago, Sky would barely have to move before Prapai was there, clinging to him. As grateful as he was – and he was very grateful – that Prapai was allowing him the time to heal and not be overwhelmed, he missed the ease and confidence Prapai touched him with.
Slowly, Prapai leaned in, broadcasting his movements as he went to wrap his arms around Sky’s middle. He left space between them even as his eyes lost a little of their discomfort.
Sky huffed, tugging Prapai’s arms closer, hooking his leg behind Prapai’s knees to pull the other on top of him. Prapai made a noise of surprise at the manhandling but didn’t protest. His head dropped heavily into the crook of Sky’s neck. Sky wrapped the blanket around them, cocooning them in warmth. It would probably become stifling in a moment.
“Sleep,” Sky murmured into Prapai’s soft hair.
The man hadn’t styled himself at all for days, shuffling around the house in casual clothes to match Sky’s, hair unstyled and flopping into his eyes. It reminded Sky of the days in his dorm when he was sick. Prapai had been equally soft then.
“I was working,” Prapai protested.
The arms tightening around Sky’s waist and the drop of his shoulders contradicted the words. Sky let his hand sweep up and down Prapai’s back, gently urging him closer. Muscle by muscle, Prapai relaxed under Sky’s hand, his bodyweight pressing Sky further into the couch.
If it weren’t for the gentle fluttering of Prapai’s eyelashes against his neck, Sky would have assumed Prapai was asleep. His breathing was slow and steady.
“It’s okay to feel, P’ Pai,” he started softly. He squeezed when Prapai tensed up. “You are allowed to feel everything you’re feeling. I’m starting to understand that you haven’t slept since…” There was no need to elaborate. “You’re hurting. It’s okay.”
Sky could feel the tension returning in Prapai’s body and wrapped both arms and legs tighter around his boyfriend.
“I’m not-,” he started again, pausing as the emotions were welling up inside again. His eyes were watering. “I’m not going to say I’m fine.” Prapai made a wounded noise in his throat, face pressing into Sky’s neck, arms tightening. Sky wondered if there would be time when this would be too much, if Prapai’s embrace would ever be too much. “But just as I’m not okay, you’re also allowed to be not okay.”
There was a hitch in Prapai’s breath, and Sky’s heart ached. Had Prapai cried at all since that night? Had he let out any emotion? Or had he bottled everything up and just allowed Sky to cry and scream and rage? Most likely the latter.
“I’m thankful you’ve been so strong for me.” Sky pressed a kiss to the top of Prapai’s head, trying to ignore the other’s unsteady breathing. “But you don’t always have to be strong.”
“How-“
Sky tangled his hand in Prapai’s hair, angling his face away to get Prapai to stop hiding in his neck. “What?”
“How can I protect you if I’m not strong?”
Sky closed his eyes at the broken tone. He squeezed Prapai closer again, hating that he couldn’t let Prapai inside his skin. He let out a deep breath to stop the tears.
“You protect me by being happy.”
“I’m sorry.” The apology was quickly followed by warm tears pooling in Sky’s collarbone and shaking shoulders. “I couldn’t save you. I wasn’t fast enough. I wasn’t smart enough. I wasn’t-“
It hurt to hear Prapai’s broken apologies, to hear him blame himself. He wanted to protest, but he also knew that this is what Prapai had been holding in. Just like he had spewed out all his insecurities, all his hurt to Prapai before, Sky knew he just had to listen. Prapai needed to get this out before he could take in anything else.
The floodgates had opened and Prapai seemed unable to stop the words from coming out. They didn’t make much sense to Sky, half the words mumbled into his neck, half the words cut off with wet sobs. What he did understand circled around that Prapai blamed himself for everything, as if he was responsible for Gun.
Out of the corner of his eyes, Sky caught movement. He let his body stay relaxed – there were no threats to them in Prapai’s house – and let his hands continue to pat Prapai’s head and stroke up and down his back. He saw Prapai’s mother frozen in the doorway, two mugs in her hands. Their usual afternoon tea.
Her smile was tight as Sky caught her eyes.
She had probably been as worried about her son as she had seemed to be about Sky, if not more. While Sky had been relatively out of it in his own hurt, she would have seen her son pushing himself to his limit.
If he hadn’t experienced the family’s generosity and gentle hearts first hand, he would have been worried at Prapai’s mother seeing her son break down. However, knowing what he did, he was confident she wanted her son to heal as much as Sky did.
She nodded at Sky, eyes shining, before backing away.
Sky pressed another kiss to Prapai’s head. He was so very grateful his boyfriend had grown up in such a loving household, having been allowed to feel what he felt and have his feelings validated. Prapai wouldn’t be the wonderful man he was without the support system he had. Sky was glad that he was a part of that now.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
Prapai’s hurt seemed to have settled into endless apologies. Guilt, Sky could handle.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” Sky interrupted the string of apologies, hushing his boyfriend when the other weakly tried to protest. “I let him get to me too, is that my fault?”
For the first time, Prapai loosened his grip and pushed himself up to look at Sky. The puffy, red eyes seemed clearer than before. “Never!” Prapai stated. “He’s human trash and manipulated you, there’s nothing you could have done.”
Sky pressed his lips together and nodded curtly. He cupped Prapai’s face. “So what makes it different with you? He manipulated you too.”
Prapai shook his head, looking down. “I should have been smarter. I am smarter than that.”
“Are you calling me dumb?”
“No!”
Sky huffed a laugh. “Are you saying you’re smarter than me?” he challenged. Prapai’s expression was torn. “We’ll debate that another time,” Sky settled.
He pulled Prapai’s head down again, and the older went willingly, wrapping his arms around Sky again.
“Right now I need you to sleep.” Sky tangled his hand in Prapai’s hair again. It was slowly becoming his favorite place to put his hand, besides holding Prapai’s hands. “I will be right here so you won’t have to worry about me. We’re in your house, protected by your family, there’s nothing that can hurt us here.”
“Stop being reasonable,” Prapai muttered.
Sky smiled, happy to hear the petulant tone that meant Prapai would do what Sky asked. “Argue about it with me after you’ve slept.”
“Don’t think I won’t.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Sky agreed.
In increments, Prapai’s body relaxed and his breath deepened. This time, Sky was sure the older actually was asleep. His grip hadn’t loosened, but it didn’t bother him. It was comforting to know that even Prapai’s subconscious wanted to keep him so close.
They were nowhere near healed or done with everything that had happened. The wounds were still there, the hurt still present. Sky being more aware and Prapai allowing himself to not be so strong all the time was a step in the right direction.
Sky just had to keep observing his boyfriend. It wasn’t a hardship, so he could do that. He knew Prapai watched him equally closely, monitoring his every move. It wasn’t as intimidating as it had been before. He didn’t feel pressured to perform or act a certain way.
With a little help, they’d get past this. They’d be stronger together, they already were.
For now, though, Sky could take the time to watch over Prapai. He could let Prapai sleep and protect him in his own way.