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The placebo effect, defined by Google, is “a beneficial effect produced by a placebo drug or treatment, which cannot be attributed to the properties of the placebo itself, and must therefore be due to the patient's belief in that treatment”. To provide more understanding, let’s say a new drug, or medicine, named drug ABC, has been invented to treat the common cold easily. A group of about 50 people with a cold have been gathered, and each and every one of them are told the exact same words: “you are here simply to test out the drug ABC”. Yet, what none of them know, is that 25 are given the actual drug, and the other 25 are given a different drug, the “placebo”, that does absolutely nothing, although they still believe it is the same drug given to the others.
When the test results finally come in a few days later, it has been shown that the actual drug completely worked and the 25 contestants have recovered quickly. On the other hand, expected from the testers, the other 25 given the placebo drug have recovered from their illness quite fast, if not just as quick as their counterparts.
So what do we take from this? The placebo group has recovered just as easily even though they took a drug containing nothing to help their cold at all, because of the placebo effect occurring in their brains. By strongly believing the drug would help them, it ended up doing just that.
——————
Tsukasa’s never really had any problems or stressors in his life. Major ones, to be specific. To have any would be quite troublesome, wouldn’t it? He’s a bright, confident, shining star, of course, so nothing should ever be allowed get in his way. When he does have problems, they easily get fixed and he can move on.
After all, Tsukasa’s never really had any problems in his life.
Major ones, to be specific.
So why does he feel this way?
-
Tsukasa’s been feeling awful lately. If awful was the best word to describe it. He’s still been acting all the same, his usual “stariness” and confidence, so nobody around him noticed a difference at all. But this personality, facade, it began to feel tiring. Energy consuming. Time wasting. The thing is, he can’t pinpoint why. At all. It’s so hazy, trying to remember when it all started as well. Is there really a point in trying to do anything anymore? He doesn’t know how to answer any of these.
Tsukasa isn’t as productive as he used to be anymore. Moreover, he doesn’t want to be productive. Instead of practicing for shows at home, he does absolutely nothing on his phone like theres no end. He watches random videos of the least important things to ever intake through his eyes, he’s glued- no, molded to them. It’s not like he wants to be.
To provide furthermore understanding to this… condition that he has as of currently, let’s follow him through one one of his days. Just a normal day, No different from the others.
-
Tsukasa opens his eyes. Didn’t he just fall asleep a few minutes ago? He wants to go back to his slumber oh so desperately, but… he can’t, can he?
It’s still very much dark outside, except for the sun peeking out to forcefully glare at him just above the horizon, reminding him that he has to get up. It’s quite ironic, isn’t it? a self-proclaimed “star” being opposed by the very star that supports all life on Earth. He doesn’t like it. It feels insulting.
5… 4… 3… 2… 1… GET UP!
Mustering up all the energy he could possibly scour throughout his body, he finally plants his feet on the rough carpet just below his bed.
Just to get up in the morning. A simple, daily human task.
Practically dragging himself downstairs, Tsukasa finds Saki preparing both their lunches for the day.
“Oh, Tsukasa, you’re finally up! I decided to make both our lunches since you were sleeping in a bit. You owe me! Just kidding.” She hums, turning back around to handle the food.
Tsukasa doesn’t hold a response, he’s still rubbing his eyes to get used to the light. “I slept in…? What time is it?” He finally mumbles back. Turning around to face the clock, he finds that it’s…
“7:03??? SAKI, WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME UP!?” Tsukasa hollers loud enough to wake the neighbors, fully awake now out of panic.
As Tsukasa scrambles back upstairs to rip his pajamas off and quickly get into his uniform, Saki casually yells back as she prances around the kitchen, “You looked so content while sleeping, I figured I’d let you sleep in for a bit!!”
Tsukasa complains again, “HEY, YOU DO REALIZE I USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:05, RIGHT?” He practically slides down the stairs as Saki hands him his lunch.
Saki doesn’t seem bothered, “I mean, you’re ready now, aren’t you,” she shrugs. Tsukasa rolls his eyes as a response and bursts out the door.
“Ah, Tsukasa, you left your… phone.”
-
Tsukasa’s mind skipping all through class, his thoughts seem to be interrupted by the ringing of the bell. It’s lunch. Not getting up at all, he silently puts his head down.
Why are you so tired? you got more than enough sleep last night.
Groaning from being annoyed by the intrusive thought a little louder than intended, He can feel the gaze of his classmates stabbing his back.
It’s quite disappointing to see the always confident and excited star drained of energy, isn’t it?
No, no, it’s okay to be tired and take a break sometimes, right?
“Tsukasa-kun~” An extremely familiar voice calls out, sounding out each and every syllable in a teasing tone and very much interrupting Tsukasa’s back and forth thoughts. Tsukasa’s heart leaps out of his chest the moment he realizes who it is, that moment being immediately.
“What do you want, Rui…” He snarls more aggressively than he meant, making Rui flinch the littlest bit.
He definitely hates you now, why did he even bother talking to you in the first place?
Silently shaking away the intrusive thoughts once again, Rui responds almost hesitantly, “Ah, is my star not feeling well? I’ll stop bothering you, then. Goodbye.”
Rui says this a little too quickly, as he’s walking away before Tsukasa can even process what he said. Face slightly turning red from the use of a pet name (he’s used it many times before, by the way), Tsukasa grabs onto Rui’s sleeve and grips onto it quite tightly. He doesn’t want to let go.
Tsukasa bashfully speaks out, “N-no, I’m just feeling a little tired than usual today. What is it you wanted? I’ll help you out.”
Rui’s signature grin very rapidly spreads across his face, causing Tsukasa to blush even more. He turns red more so out of embarrassment.
Keeping the smile on, Rui casually states, “Can we trade lunches? Please?” ruining the moment. He’s still grinning widely from ear to ear.
Tsukasa goes deadpan. Even so, he lets go of Rui’s sleeve (regretfully), and rummages through his bag, grabbing out his lunch.
“You can just have it. Keep yours too.”
“Eh? Really?”
Tsukasa doesn’t respond. Moreover, he does mumble something, but it’s so hushed that not even himself can hear it.
“Aren’t you gonna be hungry?”
“I’m not hungry right now.”
That was a lie. Tsukasa was starving. He hadn’t eaten breakfast, either. But did he have an appetite? Absolutely not.
Grabbing the chair in front of Tsukasa’s desk, Rui rotates it around so that it’s facing Tsukasa. He sits down, and after a few moments of silence, he questions,
“Are you feeling alright?” No other words, just a simple question of concern.
Tsukasa’s eyes widen slightly, but not noticeable enough to the outside viewer. Stumbling and tripping on his own words, he responds hesitantly, “Y-yes. I’m just a little tired.” Looking down, his chest feels tight.
“That’s what you responded with earlier.” Rui points out, opening Tsukasa’s- well, now his- lunch.
Looking down even further, Tsukasa seems very uneasy. He’s squirming around in his seat.
Rui sighs. “I’m sorry. you look uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have asked that.”
“N-no, it’s fine…”
A few moments of silence, and Rui asks, “Did you forget your phone today?” changing the subject.
“E-eh? I think I might’ve…” Tsukasa says, awkwardly looking through his bag only to come out empty-handed.
Rui sighs to himself. “Hmmm, makes sense…”
-
Lunch has quickly passed by, and before Tsukasa knows it, he’s saying goodbye to Rui and getting ready to take a quiz on English. It’s a fairly easy one, he studied last night. Or he at least tried to.
The first half of the quiz is a breeze. Then, he gets stuck on a question.
Is it “The girl went to the shop” or “A girl went to the shop”? Is there even a difference? Tsukasa wants so badly to raise his hand and ask for help from his teacher, but that’s too embarrassing, isn’t it?
People are gonna find out how dumb you are. You can’t even figure out a simple answer in English.
Maybe you could- no, SHOULD fail this quiz. It’s not like there’s a point in anything anyway.
Tsukasa begins to panic. He wants the thoughts to go away. It’s just one question on a quiz, right? But what if the questions after this one are all hard?
Now that he thinks about it, his handwriting right now is messy. Really messy. The amount of sweat coming out of his clammy hands is making that even worse. The letters and words he’s already written down don’t feel right, even though they’re legible and clean enough.
It’s not enough. It doesn’t feel right. If you don’t rewrite it you won’t get a good grade.
The answers will still be all the same if Tsukasa rewrites it. There’ll be no difference in his answers nor the grade he’ll get. He’s completely aware of that. But there’s no harm in erasing and rewriting all of it, right?
So he does that.
It still doesn’t feel right. Do it again.
So Tsukasa writes and rewrites, writes and rewrites, repeatedly does this over and over until it feels like his mind is spiraling, it’s so dizzy, and-
It’s hard to breathe.
Even so, he keeps rewriting until it feels just right. He keeps rewriting even when the teacher is collecting all the quizzes.
He still has unanswered questions.
-
2 new messages from Rui
Yesterday at 7:16 AM
Rui: Hey Tsukasa-kun, can we meet somewhere before school? I want to talk about something.
Yesterday at 8:31 AM
Rui: Nevermind.
——————
Tsukasa opens his eyes the next day. Didn’t he just fall asleep a few minutes ago? He wants to go back to his slumber oh so desperately, but… he can’t, can he?
It’s still very much dark outside, except for the sun peeking out to forcefully glare at him just above the horizon, reminding him that he has to get up. It’s quite ironic, isn’t it? a self-proclaimed “star” being opposed by the very star that supports all life on Earth. He doesn’t like it. It feels insulting.
5… 4… 3… 2… 1… GET UP!
Mustering up all the energy he could possibly scour throughout his body, he… doesn’t get up.
Nothing will change if you don’t get up.
——————
The placebo effect, defined by Google, is “a beneficial effect produced by a placebo drug or treatment, which cannot be attributed to the properties of the placebo itself, and must therefore be due to the patient's belief in that treatment”.
If you think hard enough, the placebo effect may be applied to other elements of our everyday lives.
Such as coping mechanisms. Many different coping mechanisms exist, and they are each individual’s “placebo”. One’s placebo may be just for them because it helps them relax and because they simply believe in it (likewise to the placebo drug mentioned in the beginning). The placebo, or coping mechanism, may not work for others, but that’s okay, because it’s for different people.
But not all coping strategies are healthy.
A girl named Sarah has been given existence through this very writing. Everybody say hello to Sarah.
She is an average teenage girl who experiences the normal stressors and anxieties of everyday life, like all teenagers do. Her coping mechanism is humor. She makes many jokes with her friends, the laughter helping her be able to ease her stress. Humor may not be a coping strategy for others, but that’s okay, because Sarah believes in hers and it helps her, making it her “placebo”.
That was an example of a healthy coping strategy.
Tsukasa’s coping strategy, or “placebo”, is to ignore any problems or stressors he has. He believes that if he ignores them that they’ll disappear, believes so hard that it actually… works.
This is an example of an unhealthy coping strategy, or an avoidant coping mechanism.
As said before, Tsukasa’s never really had any problems in his life. Major ones, to be specific. Or he likes to believe so.
Because he’s actually had problems his whole life. Trauma, in fact. From worrying about Saki to being practically neglected by his parents. He just doesn’t realize this. Because he’s chosen to ignore it. And it worked. His placebo effect, it worked.
That’s the thing, though. When everyday stressors finally slowly creep up on you behind your back, they forcefully grab you and refuse to let go. Before you’re even given time to react, you forget to ignore them. And you succumb to it all.
——————
Tsukasa didn’t go to school that day. Although, he convinced himself to go to practice so that the rest of his troupe wouldn’t worry about him. He was their leader, after all.
He still ended up arriving late.
Sitting alone in the locker room, Tsukasa felt paralyzed by some unknown force. A cold sweat embellished him as he sat there, his full costume laid out in front of him, waiting to be worn by the star himself.
But you’re not a star anymore. You’ll never be one.
Hey, what do you think will happen if you just walked right out of here? There’ll be no difference, right?
There would never be a single difference if you never existed in the first place.
Everyone would be just as happy- no, much happier without you. Especially Saki and Rui.
“SHUT UP!”
bang!
Tsukasa weakly punches the wall next to him, tears threatening to fall down his face. He’s holding a fist as tightly as he can, yet it feels strained and weak.
“J-just shut up… why did you have to bring them in?” Tsukasa’s gasping for air now as his tears flow down, staining his stage outfit below. No matter how much he desperately wants them to stop, all he does is cry until his tear ducts want to give out.
…
“Why are you even reading this?
Do you like seeing me suffer? Is that what this is?
You actually took the time to read a fanfiction about your favorite character having a mental breakdown? If I’m even your favorite character, that is.
Hopefully they wrote me good enough. They’re practically venting here, you know? Except for the avoidant coping mechanism part. That’s a me problem. They’re just applying their venting to me because I’m their favorite character. I guess.
…
Hey, sorry if you felt insulted by the first thing I said. I’m a little riled up right now. You know, bawling my eyes out and all.
Whatever. Maybe this conversation was unnecessary. If I got something out of you, though, that’s impressive. They’re not very confident in their writing.
Farewell, for now, I guess.”
-
Tsukasa’s surroundings have all blurred. He feels hot and cold at the same time. His senses are muted. That’s why he doesn’t notice in the slightest when the door to the room opens, or when Rui yells out his name, quickly rushing right to him.
Or when the first thing Rui does when he reaches Tsukasa is hug him tightly. So tight that it feels like he’ll never let go.
When Tsukasa finally realizes what’s going on at all, the only thing he can think of is how… not foreign Rui’s hug feels. They’ve never hugged before, yet it feels just right. Tsukasa’s body temperature had been clashing with itself, feeling hot and cold at the same time, but the moment Rui embraced him, it regulated almost immediately.
Tsukasa is showered with this sense of warmth and relief even though no words are shared between them at all. His tears that were once raining on his own stage outfit are now staining Rui’s jacket, practically creating a puddle on his chest. But Rui doesn’t care. Pulling Tsukasa even closer towards him, if that were even possible, he wraps his whole body around him, stroking his hair gently, if gently was the best way to describe it.
They stay like this for god knows how long, the other members of the troupe forgotten. Finally, after Tsukasa has calmed down a bit, Rui opens his mouth for the first time that moment.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you at all, but I promise I will never, ever let go of you ever again.” He profoundly states this in the most passionate, tender, heartfelt voice he can get out of his own vocal cords.
Hearing those words only causes Tsukasa to start crying harder than he had at the beginning, Rui shushing him and cradling him like a baby.
Finally, an even longer while, and it feels like practice is over already. Rui feels a slight guilt for leaving Emu and Nene behind, but he wouldn’t do anything else for the world.
Tsukasa’s tears have stopped flowing, and in a choky voice, he musters up all his energy, even more than it took to get up in the morning, and confesses,
“You make all my bad thoughts vanish.”
“I’d be more than willing to do just that.”
The words “I love you” go unspoken. Not just from Rui, but from both of them.