Chapter Text
“maybe we weren't meant to be”
That was the only thought that came to the boy's mind while staring at his guitar, the same one that has been gifted to him by the person that haunted his mind day and night. He could still remember that day clearly as if it was yesterday, he could remember how he woke up at his phone ringing repeatedly; he answered it with ease when he saw the name on the screen.
His mind could recall how his heartbeat started becoming faster and faster, how he tried to lie to the other one before noticing that the other boy was right outside his house and how embarrassed he felt when he had to clean up the mess that was his house before Kim's watchful eyes.
«are these your parents?» the older boy's voice echoed in his mind. What a dumb question that was, thought Chay coming back to the reality. He knew that those were his and Porsche's parents and he also knew a lot about they're strange death.
A single and quiet sob left the boy's parted lips, his eyes that have been cold as stone for the entire week now were watery and full of emotions that he couldn't let anyone see, and surely he wouldn't let his hia see. It would make him so worried, so not a chance.
But it was hard to keep lying, he didn't really know what was harder between lying to his hia or lying to himself. He was trying so so hard to convince himself that he didn't need Kim nor his beautiful smile nor the way his eyes shined under the sunlight and obviously he didn't need his soft and warm touch, his fluffy and dark hairs, the way his plump lips curled in his little smiles or...
"AGH STOP IT CHAY"
Chay scolded himself, sinking his face into the pillow that he held tight to his chest; in that moment he really felt the urge to get up and run to his hia, hug him tightly while hiding is face on the crock of his neck, telling him everything about him and the musician boy that kept hunting him.
But he couldn't, not now that his hia was finally happy, not now that everyone was happy. He couldn't be the one to break that fever dream that was happiness for the ones that were around him, because Chay wasn't that type of person. Because Chay has always been a guy that thought about others before thinking about himself and was always careful to not ruin their happiness.
Because Chay has always been an angel, a pure soul that just wanted to be loved. A pure soul that had a heart full of love to give to the ones he loved the most; a heart that couldn't bring himself to stop loving the one that corroded him until there was nothing left other than a broken and lost soul. But deep down, behind those lies and stone eyes that he started using to defend himself; his heart was still the same, maybe with some scratches, but it was still the heart that he wore on his sleeves for his entire life.
“I wish i could hate you, Kimhan…You don't know how much i want to erase all the memories i’ve with you… but i loved you, i still love you and i’ll love you ‘til god knows when...”
The boy looked up at his guitar again, lost in the thoughts that had filled his mind before reaching for the instrument. Chay stayed still for a while, just feeling the wood and strings under his hands that made him feel dizzy; everything about that felt like 𝘩𝘦 was there in that exact moment.
After what felt like an eternity, the big doe-eyed boy's fingers started touching the 6 strings of the instrument, lightly like the flapping of a butterfly's wings. And he just kept going and going, until his hands were familiar with the instrument again; like they used to be. And then, out of nowhere, his phone was already placed in a way that could capture him from the neck to the guitar that he had in his hands; and the record button was on and he was singing while playing the guitar, one of the few material memories he had of Kim.
What was he playing? Well a song that he wrote the same day he and Kim lost contact or, well, the day when the older left him while he was crying at the front door of his house; a song that he kept replaying for days and nights alongside to the video that was sent by Kimhan himself months before. And Chay just sang that song, pouring his scratched heart and shattered soul into it as much as he could.
Tears streamed down his cheeks silently but his voice didn't crack, at least until the end of the song. After the last lines and notes, the boy went quiet before letting a little sob leaving his lips by accident. His hand moved fast to the recording button and stopped it; finally letting his emotions take over him after sending the video to that unknown number's chat, in which was present only a video from months before. Kim’s video.
Chay had just the time to see the "seen" icon before turning off his phone while he brought his legs to his chest before sinking his face into them; his shoulders trembling and little noises leaving his lips. Only a thought in his mind.
“Oh Kim… you really messed me up ”