Work Text:
Ed had hated Instagram when he started. He knew as a tattoo artist it was important for “building up a brand” but it was stupid and he hated it.
After a few weeks, though, he’d somehow gotten a few thousand followers and tons of compliments on his work and he kind of started to like it. It wasn’t a vanity thing! It was the validation. He knew his work was good but seeing other people say that, well, it didn’t hurt.
He’d started following a lax posting schedule, something Fang had mentioned from some article he’d read, and one afternoon found himself without a new piece to post. He didn’t want to post nothing (“it’s about keeping the momentum going!” Fang’s voice echoed in his head) so he settled for a selfie. It wasn’t great, just something he took quickly in the back room of the studio. With a shrug, he threw it up and thought nothing of it for a while.
When he checked back later that day after a few appointments, it had roughly 1.5k likes and he’d gained 700 followers. Ed started posting more selfies.
Now Instagram was a habit, a quick photo with every piece, responding to a few comments, and mostly just trying to vibe with the thirty thousand something followers he’d somehow managed to dig up. It was cool, sure, and it’d been great for business, he had a nine month waiting list at this point, but it was all getting a little boring. People booked with very fixed ideas, he took a picture, he posted it, he ate some dinner, he went home to his cat. Success was getting tedious.
“Ed, you’re 1:30 is here!” Ivan hollered from the front.
“Get him in the room. I’ll be there in five!” Ed called back, determined to reply to at least three more comments before he put his phone away. He thanked someone named peteblackbeard (a play on his artist name), gave a thumbs up to a frenchiefry that was waxing poetic on the lyrics his client chose to go with the piece (which Ed hadn’t been so keen on but the client had insisted) and then paused when he got the next comment.
sbonnet: What an excellent ship! It looks like a 1710s sloop! Love the detail on the rigging. What ship did you use as a model?
Well, that wasn’t what he’d been expecting.
blackbeardtat: Sorry, mate. It was a photo the client brought in and he didn’t tell me the name. But thanks for the compliment!
Didn’t get that kind of comment every day. With a small smile, Ed slipped his phone into his pocket and went to meet his next appointment.
—
It was three hours before Ed could check his phone again and to his delight, the boat guy had replied.
sbonnet: Couldn’t help myself! Did a little digging and it looks like you were creating the William, the pirate ship of Anne Bonny and Mary Read! And Jack Rackham, I suppose but the two lady pirates are much more interesting, I think you’d agree. I thought it looked familiar!
Ed didn’t know how this guy would know but he did, indeed, agree two women pirates were way more interesting than some guy named Jack. And so Ed did something he almost never did: he replied to a reply.
blackbeardtat: Fascinating. Going to have to look up these piratical ladies. You learn something new every day!
An hour passed while Ed ate lunch, watching Youtube on his laptop in the back. As he reached over to grab his sandwich, he noticed that the boat guy had replied again. Against his best judgment, he tapped to see.
sbonnet: I’ve actually made a model of it! I’ll dm you a picture!
Well, fuck. There it was. You reply more than once to someone and they send you a fucking dick pic. Ed wasn’t stupid, he knew why people slid into his dms. It wouldn’t be the first he’d received and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last. And the guy had seemed kind of fun, too. Well, what did he expect on the internet?
It wasn’t until later that night, as he got into bed and listlessly scrolled through his messages that he noticed the unopened message from sbonnet. He hesitated for a moment before curiosity got the better of him and he tapped the message.
And there, sitting in his inbox, was a photo of a model ship.
“Well, I'll be damned,” Ed whispered to himself, using two fingers to zoom in and get a better look at the different parts. It was really fucking cool. Clearly a lot of work had gone into it, the tiny pieces incredibly delicate looking but placed together in such a way that it looked like a tiny shipbuilder had put it together, not two regular human sized hands.
He spent so long admiring the model ship that when he swiped out of the photo, he was surprised to see a message accompanying it.
sbonnet: The William! She took me three whole weekends to finish but I’m quite proud of how she turned out.
As well he should be, the thing was a beauty. Ed was good with fine details in ink but fiddling with bits and bobs like that? Would drive him mental.
blackbeardtat: It looks great, mate. I like the sails. Did you paint those yourself?
Ed wasn’t entirely sure why he was continuing the conversation, other than telling himself he enjoyed it when people were kind about his work and he was just paying it forward. Before he over thought it, he set his alarm and turned off the light.
—
sbonnet: I did! Had to practice several times on construction paper beforehand but I don’t think I messed it up too terribly. You’d be much better, of course, with your artist’s hands.
A note about his artist’s hands was maybe the nicest things Ed had woken up to before and on a whim, he clicked through to boat guy’s profile.
But it was blank. No photos, no nothing. Just that little anchor of a profile picture, a handful of accounts followed, and a blank photo roll. The man was a mystery. Ed had always loved a mystery.
blackbeardtat: Kind of you to say, mate. I’ve never really painted on that kind of material before so who knows, I might cark it. Got any more cool boats to show me?
And thus, Ed began his instagram flirtation with Boat Guy or Stede, as he soon discovered was his name. Stede was in his forties, amicably divorced after coming out, with two children that had been his inspiration for making an Instagram in the first place.
sbonnet: There’s only so many pictures Mary remembers to text me. And this way I can follow Alma and Louis, too. My assistant says Alma might have something called a ‘finstagram’ but that just sounds silly to me. What would a finstagram even be? An app where you upload shark photos?
blackbeardtat: That actually sounds rad as hell.
sbonnet: Now that you say that, we might be onto something. You design a logo, I’ll get on the phone to those Shark Week folks.
It was getting to the point that his friends were noticing. If he chuckled at his phone at work, Fang would smile and Ivan would ask after ‘the boat guy.’ Izzy was not as amused as the rest, usually reminding Ed he had work to do, as if Ed didn’t know.
It was all just silly fun. As entertaining as it was to flirt with Stede on Instagram, Ed didn’t know several important things about him:
1) Was he single? (Probably, judging by the number of model boats he made.)
2) Where did he live? (Most likely in the same time zone as Ed, at least, but that still left a lot of land and Ed didn’t have too much free time to travel.)
3) What he looked like. (Not that Ed cared about looks, he was very much about the mind, thank you. But, you know, he’d like to know.)
So yes, Stede was a fun phone crush (that was deepening with every message) but it probably wasn’t going to go anywhere.
Which is why Ed didn’t feel too guilty about his new coffee shop crush. He was a grown man, he could lust after two people! Stede was fun to talk to and the blond man who sat at the corner table of the Lighthouse Cafe every Tuesday and Thursday when he ran to get his morning coffee was fun to look at (and maybe slightly fantasize about.) Sure, he hadn’t spoken to Ed (or even noticed Ed, he was fairly sure) but that face, those arms! He was always dressed like he was about to attend some fancy lunch afterwards and something about a man drinking a latte on a plush chair while dressed in some designer sweater did things for Ed he didn’t understand.
So Ed’s personal life wasn’t the most exciting thing on the planet. So what? Between chatting with Stede on Instagram and lusting after the Lighthouse blond, Ed had almost constructed himself a whole boyfriend. This was definitely very normal and healthy.
—
sbonnet: Question: should I go with the teal or the goldenrod?
Ed opened the attached picture to find two blazers in said colors and almost did a doubletake. He knew Stede did alright for himself from context clues in previous conversations but these two articles of clothing clearly cost probably around a month of Ed’s rent. It was hard to pick a color without knowing what Stede looked like but on a whim, he made a decision.
blackbeardtat: Teal. Seems more your vibe.
sbonnet: Thank you?
blackbeardtat: Definitely a compliment. Teal’s interesting. No one gets bored with teal.
sbonnet: :)
And so Ed went about his morning, getting ready, throwing on something clean, feeding Anne, and heading out the door. He was running early for once, having had a little bit of trouble sleeping, so with a skip in his step, he decided to pop into Lighthouse Cafe on his way for a ‘Congratulations on Getting Up at a Decent Time’ hot chocolate.
The giant man behind the counter looked up with a sigh when he walked in, already reaching to grab a cup.
“The usual, Ed?” John asked without waiting for a reply, already writing HC on the side of the cup.
“Yeah. Tough morning?”
“Just stupid,” John sighed, sliding the cup towards Roach who began making his drink. “Regular customer came in on an irregular day for him, bumped into Swede who was running a big ol’ cup of tea out to someone, and got it all over the guy’s expensive blazer. He had a bit of a fit, didn’t blame Swede but didn’t not blame Swede, you know? Anyways, Swede feels horrible and is hiding in the back and the guy’s in the bathroom trying to get earl grey out of cashmere. Not the best start to a Wednesday.”
“People are the worst,” Ed nodded, handing John his credit card. “Want me to go smack the guy for you?”
“Naw, he’s usually fairly nice. Good tipper.” John handed the card back. “Usually comes in Tuesdays and Thursdays and works at the back table. Don’t know what he does but he dresses in fabric my mother could have never afforded as a seamstress. Honestly was a shame about the cashmere.”
“Ed! Your drink!” Roach called from the end of the bar and Ed blinked, his legs carrying him on autopilot as he realized that the man they’d been talking about had been his mystery blond. His mystery blond that was wearing an expensive cashmere blazer. Surely a lot of rich folks had cashmere blazers? Maybe it was, what did they call it, on trend?
“I’m sorry again, John!” A voice sounded from behind him. “I didn’t mean to get Swede all flustered. It’s just, I’m trying to get up my courage to do something and I was kind of letting a lot ride on looking my best and I don’t even think there’s a proper dry cleaners that can handle this cashmere blend in this part of town. But it’s not Swede’s fault! Tell him I’m not mad! I mean, I’m a little mad but I understand!”
Ed turned, the kind but catty voice making him even more curious. And sure enough, there he was. Ed’s coffeeshop crush. Apologizing (kind of) to John, teal blazer under his arm.
Teal blazer.
It couldn’t be.
And then, as if sensing Ed’s panic, the man looked up, caught Ed’s eye, and after a momentary shock, smiled at Ed like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. Ed felt his knee threaten to buckle.
“Ed?”
“..yes?” Because he didn’t know for sure but oh, he hoped.
“It’s .. it’s me. It’s Stede.”
Of course it was. Of course it was.
“Stede? Boat Stede?”
Stede laughed, a musical sound that Ed knew immediately he needed to hear every morning for the rest of his life.
“Boat Stede,” Stede agreed. “What are you doing here? Not that you can’t come here!” Stede’s eyes widened as he seemed to realize what he said. “I mean, it’s a public coffeeshop and it’s very good. Have you had their boysenberry muffins? Delicious! But anyways, yes, it’s a public place and you can be here if you like, obviously, but what are you doing…here…now?”
‘I’m going to marry this weirdo,’ Ed thought to himself.
“My studio’s down the street,” Ed said aloud, pointing over his shoulder. “I usually grab a drink on my way in.”
“How have I never seen you here before?” Stede asked, genuinely mystified and Ed fell only the slightest bit harder.
“You’re usually tucked in your little nook,” Ed nodded towards Stede’s usual table. “Never look up.”
“You’ve–you’ve noticed me before?” Stede asked, a strange mixture of surprise and something else on his face.
“You’re hard to miss, mate,” Ed smiled, trying not to show his whole hand in one fell swoop. It was seemingly a moot point, though, as Stede blushed to his ears. “Sorry about your jacket. Teal really is your color.”
“Oh!” Stede seemed to suddenly remember the blazer in his hand. “Yes, you did help me with this, didn’t you? I was actually…” Stede trailed off for a second before taking a break, seemingly steeling himself, and looking back up. “I was actually planning on taking a proper profile picture today. I hear the anchor is a bit … anonymous.”
Ed blinked.
“You got all dressed up to take an Instagram profile picture?”
“No! Well, yes, but no. Ugh, where is Lucius when you need him?” Stede began pacing slightly as he spoke. “Lucius said that I needed to change my profile picture to one actually of me, rather than that stock one I have at the moment, so that ‘someone would finally do something’ or something to that effect. He offered to help, told me to pick something nice to wear and he’d make sure I looked, well I think the word he used was yummy but that can’t be right, can it? Anyway, he said he would help so I came down to get a drink to thank him but it’s all gone rather tits up, I’m afraid.”
Ed burst out laughing and Stede looked up, startled.
“Yeah, slightly tits up, I’ll say,” Ed chuckled which surprised a laugh out of Stede. “But you look fine, mate. Don’t need the blazer.”
“Yes, but–” Stede began but cut himself off.
“But?”
“... but it’s the one you preferred,” Stede admitted, not quite looking him in the eye. Ed’s stomach dropped to his feet.
“Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure you look great in teal.” Stede looked up at Ed, still slightly miserable “But if you’ll remember, I said your whole vibe is teal. Can’t get bored with it. Look at you, mate. Don’t think you could be boring if you tried.”
“Yeah?” Stede smiled.
“Definitely,” Ed nodded.
“Okay, this is very sweet and all,” John butted in from the counter, “but you two are blocking the till so if you could flirt somewhere else in the shop, it’d be much appreciated.”
Stede’s entire body blushed, something Ed found much too charming,
“I’m running early today,” Ed began, walking over towards Stede. “What do you say we go drop our stuff off at my shop and then grab a coffee?”
“You already have a coffee, though?” Stede pointed at the drink in Ed’s hand which he had completely forgotten about.
“...another coffee?”
“Just don’t come back here!” John muttered good-naturedly. “You’ve both already wreaked enough havoc for one day.”
“Shall we?” Ed offered his arm, ignoring John. With a grin, Stede threaded his arm through Ed’s.
“Lead on, Mr. Teach.”
–
And in a year and a half, when Ed is ready to propose, he’ll bring Stede back to the Lighthouse Cafe, shut down for the evening for a party with all of their friends. Fang, who still calls Stede ‘Boat Guy,’ will have been dating Stede’s assistant Lucius (and Lucius’s boyfriend Pete) for six months. Ivan will have joined a bowling league with John and Frenchie and Izzy will have been leaving early to get drinks with Swede for a month or so. Somehow they’ll have managed to integrate their two disparate friend groups into one ridiculous family.
(It will have helped that Stede’s new subordinate Oluwande is dating Ed’s apprentice Jim but Ed and Stede are confident it’s mostly their own good will.)
Ed will have planned the night carefully, arranging a cake with Roach and a music cue with Lucius.
Ed will be surprised when Stede motions towards Lucius a half an hour before Ed had prepared his proposal and Lucius triggers a different song, smirking at Ed the whole time.
Ed will be shocked when Stede gets down on one knee and begins a speech that brings Swede to tears.
And Stede will be shocked when, instead of answering, Ed falls to his own knee and pulls out the ring that wasn’t supposed to make its appearance for another thirty minutes.
But all that hasn’t happened yet.
Now, Ed walks down the sidewalk, arm in arm with his two-in-one crush, with the feeling he’s just discovered something amazing.
He has.