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Axel’s having fun in his little dreamland, he’s not gonna lie.
Conscious dreaming happens to the gladiator every now and again, where he’s kinda like the protagonist of his own dream world and it’s very cool and exciting, except for the fact that he’s dreaming alone and he doesn’t like doing things alone.
He’s told Vesper about this once or twice — “Pops, you had to be there to see it,” he’d say, as Vesper tries to tell him that dreaming is not a co-op activity and he can’t actually see or be in Axel’s dreams as anything more than an NPC — and then Vesper tried to explain the concept of lucid dreaming to him, which he promptly tuned out.
It’s not lucid, he thinks, even though he doesn’t know what lucid means. It’s something different. Something prophetic, maybe. Something like a manifestation of his instincts, maybe. Because his dreams always seem to relate back to reality somehow, even if he’s not always immediately sure how.
In this dream, he’s the owner of a cat café. He likes cats, so that’s a pretty simple explanation as to why.
The last time he had this dream, he and the boys had to go save some kitty cats the next day and that was fun. He doesn’t hate this. To Axel, cats mean something good.
He hopes he’ll see a cat when he wakes up. He visited home yesterday and saw his own fuzzy little orange chonker, but he doubts the guild will backtrack — they had only been in town as a stopover point before their next big quest in the north and to get a load of cakes shoved at him by his dear mother, which is as sweet as it is embarrassing.
Adventurers don’t usually go home for mommy’s gifts, but his mom raised him to be a gentleman so a gentleman he shall be. It helps that she can bribe the other guys with food too, so they’re never saying ‘no’ to a trip to good ol’ Northern Elysium for a free meal.
So that was yesterday, and this is whatever time makes up the time between yesterday and today. In dreamland. Which he will eventually have to leave to deal with the real world, which doesn’t have him drowning in cats and thoughts of home, which is a bit of a shame.
While he’s here, he will just have to happily surround himself with cats all the way from small chonk to ultra mega chonk, and maybe spoil the everloving crap out of them because dream cats only ever get to see him when he’s sleeping and that’s just unfair to them, really.
“Especially when you’re so stinkin’ cute,” he coos, rubbing a fluffy kitty cat on the head. The resulting purr is healing. He’s in heaven now. “Yes you are, yes you are! You adorable little fucker, I hope you are enjoying all nine of your lives.”
The cat nuzzles into him and he practically melts. Another cat saunters up to curl into his side and it takes everything in him not to just grab all the cats and squeeze them into the fluffiest hug he’ll ever experience in his life.
“Man,” he sighs wistfully. “I gotta take the boys to a cat café one of these days. They should feel the same happiness as me. You guys will behave for them, won’t you?”
The cat headbutts his hand, clearly wanting more affection.
Axel is more than willing to give it.
“Yes, you will! You gotta be as friendly as you are to me!”
Then, he’s tugged straight into reality.
The situation goes something like this: Axel wakes up to a pile of cats on his bed and no guildmates in sight. There’s no squeal of a kettle or tink-tink of potion bottles, no soft humming in the other room and no conversation wafting through the walls.
It’s quiet. Too quiet.
He takes another long look at the cats. The one that looks suspiciously like Magni Dezmond meows at him.
“Ayo.” Axel groans, still groggy from sleep. “What have you done this time, you cheeky bastard?”
The cat, being a cat, doesn’t reply. Only blinks its big golden eyes at him and does a big stretch before sauntering up to his pillow to stare at him at a closer distance.
“Hi,” Axel can’t help but laugh, albeit a little nervously, “You’re… definitely Magni, aren’t you?”
The cat flicks his ears, each with three purple piercings, haughtily, as if he asked a dumb question. Axel may be dumb but he isn’t stupid.
“Unless Magni drew that purple circle on your head, it’s gotta be you, right? Maguni-chan…”
He gets another meow in response. Axel picks up the cat and resists the urge to put his face in its fluffy fur. He doesn’t know how the hell his guildmate ended up like this, but he’s not about to fall into the same trap. Even if this Magni is a super cute little guy.
The cat beside Magni-cat stirs at the action, feeling the weight lift from the bed. Long pointed ears perking upwards, the kitty blinks to reveal violet eyes. This cat is gray and vaguely stripy — a silver tabby — and bigger and puffier than the other cat for sure.
“That means you’re pops…” It doesn’t take a genius to connect the dots, so he sighs and glances at the third and final cat who has gotten up and decided to wander around. “And you must be leader.”
The blue cat — a questionable color for a cat if he ever saw one, but he has a sneaking suspicion he knows why — hops onto his mess of a desk and yawns.
“Oi, Altare.” Axel addresses the weird-colored cat. Magni has settled in his arms, now watching Altare with him. “Where are you going?”
The weird cat flicks his tail. Then he makes a beeline for the tank where Axel had made a home for his axelotls.
“Oi,” He warns Altare again, “Don’t touch them. Just because they look tasty doesn’t mean you’re allowed to eat them, okay?”
It’s like talking to a child. Altare clambers onto the tank and sticks his little kitty head in.
With a sigh, Axel kicks off his covers — momentarily forgetting that Vesper is still on top of them as the cat yelps in surprise (“Sorry Nowa-oji!” he yells back), scrambling to stay on the mattress as the gladiator launches himself towards Altare, picking him up with one hand before he can put a poor axelotl in his mouth.
He thinks his leader is just messing with him, which is true to personality, but he’s not about to let him terrorize the axelotls when all they’re doing is chilling in their tank.
“No.” He scolds the cat, squeezing him slightly. Innocent green eyes stare back up at him. It’s so fucking hard to stay mad at a face like that, but he holds his shit together like the competent fucking doctor-gladiator-hitman-assassin-etcetera that he is. “I’m gonna put you back down, but if I see you near the axelotl tank again, Altare-san, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Altare paws at his arm impatiently, waiting to be freed. Against his better judgment, Axel sets him down on the bench again.
“I’ll get you,” He threatens, as his leader trots along the tabletop, heading towards the tank again. “I’ll get you, Altare. Don’t you dare.”
Cheeky little shit that he is, he swerves just before he reaches the axelotls and aims for the corner where Axel has his singing setup, and knocks off a packet of throat lozenges that he had forgotten about. Oh well, that’s not much of a loss.
He then approaches the water bottle with a spring on his step, tail high in the air.
“Leader.” Axel says, hoping he sounds at least a little intimidating even though he knows there’s no convincing Altare once his leader’s mind has been made up. “Don’t.”
Altare pushes the bottle off the table. It falls to the ground with a resounding clang. He then sets his eyes on the microphone stand that Axel has hanging by his desk, and the gladiator sighs, shaking his head in defeat. With a little wiggle and a leap, the blue cat takes down the microphone in one clean hit.
When he looks at the other cats, silently asking them if they’re seeing this shit, Magni is just licking his paw like it’s none of his business and Vesper is shaking like he’s laughing.
Axel groans.
This is gonna be a long day.
“Food time, food time~” He steps back into the house after grabbing his breakfast, humming as he observes all three of his guildmates-turned-cats rolling around on the rug. “I bought extra meat, in case y’all are hungry. Gonna head to the kitchen now, so you know where I’ll be.”
He plants his ass at the dining table and a random plate to put his haul in. The extra meat is no exaggeration, but he’d be lying if he said he couldn’t finish it off himself if the kitties weren’t hungry.
His teeth sink into the bun and he sees Vesper hop into the chair beside him, tail swishing. He smiles through his bite of food. Magni is less polite and jumps straight onto the table, whilst Altare pokes around the kitchen cupboards.
“After I finish this, we’ll think of something to fix this, okay? I won’t leave you hanging, boys.”
Magni paws at the chunk of bread on his plate, before pushing it off the table so it lands on Altare. It bounces off of the blue cat and their leader narrows his eyes at Magni but chomps down on the bread anyway.
Axel smiles again, but something gnaws at him from inside his chest.
He can’t skip out on the food because Axel does not bode well with skipped meals, but as he’s shoving a delicious pulled pork sandwich into his mouth, his mind is whirring.
What if they’re stuck like this forever?
He thinks it’s funny now, but it won’t be if he ends up becoming a solo adventurer with three weird-ass cats. Usually when shit like this happens, he can at least talk to Magni, but the alchemist is currently non-interactable except for the part where he steals bits of sandwich off of Axel’s plate.
“Have you guys eaten since last night?” Axel asks through a mouthful of bread. He plucks some pork out of his sandwich and drops some on top of Vesper-cat’s head. The cat glowers at him but shakes the meat so it lands on the chair he’s sitting on, and eats it.
Altare is on his feet pouncing around and ignores him when he asks again. The little brat. Axel watches him attack the curtains in the corner of his eye. Magni once again steals directly from his plate.
The thing is, Axel doesn’t so much as mourn his sandwich as he mourns the bustle of mornings with the guild. The quiet is eerie, and even if he knows where and what his guildmates are, it’s agonizing that he can talk to them and they can’t talk back.
Sure, it means he can subject them to whatever dogshit that comes out of his mouth and they can’t stop him, but them trying to stop him is the fun part. It’s barely been a few hours into the day and he misses them already. Not that he’s about to admit it.
“Hey pops.” He talks to Vesper. “You holding up okay?”
Absentmindedly, he reaches down to pat Vesper on the head, marveling at the soft fur beneath his palm. Vesper is docile in that he calmly leans into the touch, allowing Axel to ruffle the fluff on his cheeks.
“At least you guys are cute like this.” He grins, gently flattening Vesper’s ears because it makes him look funny. “It’s not that bad.”
Vesper is patient as ever, which means he’s officially Axel’s favorite cat of the three, but it comes as no surprise considering Magni is shredding lettuce directly onto the table and Altare is… well. Axel looks around, suddenly suspicious of his leader’s whereabouts.
The blue cat is on the counter where they set out all the little cakes they got from Northern Elysium, and is perusing them with a curious eye.
“Altare, no,” Axel says, even though he knows exactly what Altare is about to do. “Don’t. I don’t know what’s in that cake, it might not be good for you, mate.”
His whiskers twitch.
“Don’t forget you’re lactose intolerant,” Axel adds, as if that’s going to stop him. “The icing might have milk in it. You’ll get a tummy ache.”
Altare opens his mouth and takes a bite out of the small cake.
“No, Altare! Fuck! You puny ass—” Axel exclaims, jumping to his feet and grabbing the kitty before he can run away. “I dunno if you can eat that as a cat, dude!”
Vesper leaps onto the table and helps Magni polish off the rest of Axel’s sandwich.
“Oh my god…” This time, Axel just has to laugh. “Damn you guys! Was that a distraction so you could steal my food?!”
When there’s no response, no quirky quip or counterattack that he’s known to expect and love, he deflates a little. Right. They can’t respond.
Perceptive even in cat form, Altare bites his sleeve to get his attention, and he can swear for a moment that the cat looks worried.
“What?” Axel asks, then his lips curl into a grin as he pokes the cat in the forehead. “You greasy little shit, you’ve got icing all over your face.”
In retaliation, Altare shoves his nose into Axel’s shirt, smearing it with icing.
He bursts into laughter.
“Altare, you fucking goblin cat–!”
It’s too late to scold the leader now, as Magni takes a leap of faith from the table to the cake counter, following his leader’s pawsteps.
“Come on, Magni! Nooo,” He cackles as the golden cat puts his entire face into the same cake. “You piece of shit!”
Vesper plods up towards the other two cats, tongue sticking out, primed for a cleanup job. Magni tries to escape but Vesper is faster, grabbing onto the scuff of his neck with his teeth and carrying him away from the cake like a mother cat would to a kitten.
Axel wheezes, and feels just a little bit better about the whole situation. Altare leans up and licks his face like a puppy dog, sandpaper tongue against his skin. He sends his leader an amused look as he yanks open the fridge, thinking he might as well just make himself a second breakfast at this point.
“What am I gonna do with you guys?”
After breakfast (part 2), a total of fifteen minutes thinking about absolutely nothing and zero minutes brainstorming, his first instinct is to take the cats to one of his buddies: specifically Secret Agent Vestia Zeta.
Because she’s a cat, right? Axel thinks simply. Cats would know how to deal with other cats.
Despite her declaration that she lives in an undisclosed location for secret agent purposes, Axel knows her house is just down the road from a specific fast-travel location. For a so-called agent, she ain’t slick.
He has most of his friends’ addresses memorized for times like these, anyway, and though it’s rare that he drops by unannounced, he figures this is an emergency so it’s fine. He can handle three cats, what’s one more?
“Okay, here we are,” he says, more for the cats’ sake than his own. “We’re paying Zeta a visit, boys. Be nice.”
Though there’s no guarantee she’s home, at the very least, he isn’t opposed to ringing her doorbell until she answers.
“What the hell do you want?” She asks him irritably, yanking the door open as he holds up the armfuls of cat that make up the rest of Guild TEMPUS, practically shoving them at her face. “What is this?”
“Cats.”
“Awwww, kitties, how cute,” she coos, almost falling for it immediately before she remembers where she is. She stiffens up again, eyes narrowing. Axel shakes the cats to remind her that the situation is dire. They’re surprisingly passive, but he bets they’re behaving for Zeta because they know she’s their only hope.
“Well, I can see that those are cats, dumbass.” She crosses her arms, raising an eyebrow. “Why are you showing me cats? And where did you get them? I’m not an animal rescue, you know.”
“No, that's not- they’re—uh, they’re my guys,” He struggles for a moment to find the right words. Nothing comes to him. “My little guys.”
“Your guys?”
“Yeah. Uh. This is Magni.” He jostles the golden cat, who waves a lazy paw at Zeta.
“This is Altare.” The blue cat’s ears twitch and he blinks his big green eyes.
“And this is Vesper.” The gray cat perks up, meowing at the sound of his name.
Zeta sends Axel a weird look.
“…okay? Why did you name them after your guildmates?” She asks. “Isn’t that going to be confusing?”
He sighs, plonking his head into Magni’s, and the Vesper-cat gives Axel a reassuring pat.
“They are my guildmates. It’s a long story.”
“They are your guildmates? Why?”
He raises his head again, confuddled. “What do you mean ‘why’!?”
“What happened to your human guildmates?”
“This is them!” Axel lifts the cats up again, bouncing them up and down for emphasis. “That’s what I’m saying! These– these are the TEMPUS boys! But they’re cats now!”
Her gaze becomes accusatory. “What did you do to them?”
“I didn’t do anything!” He exclaims a little helplessly, because it’s true. He really did just wake up to this. “Zeta-saaan. Save me.”
Something in his voice must sound genuine, finally, because she acquiesces with a soft ‘hmm’, tapping her chin thoughtfully. “What do you want me to do about this?”
“I dunno. You’re a cat. I thought you could figure it out.”
She rolls her eyes but beckons him inside, “Okay, stupid dog. I’ll throw you a bone. Let’s talk.”
“I’m not a dog, Zeta-san!”
“Well, I’m not a cat, Axel-san!” She mimics him. Still, despite being the meanie cat that she is, her curiosity does win out in the end. “How did they end up like this, anyway?”
“Magni, probably, the sussy guy that he is.” The golden cat glares at him. Axel only grins in response. “What’s wrong, Maguni-chan? Cat got your tongue?”
The silver tabby shakes as if laughing again. Classic Vesper. Axel feels Magni’s teeth sink into his arm but ignores it. Altare mews as if saying something.
“Great. Thanks, leader.” Axel tries to humour him despite it. “Big help. You’ve saved the day.”
Zeta’s eyes narrow in scrutiny as she regards the blue cat. “Sorry, Altare. None of us can speak cat so…”
Unable to help himself, Axel slides in another, “What? I thought you were a cat.”
“Shut up.” Zeta only sighs and flicks her bangs out of her face. “Listen. You think Dez had something to do with this, right? Have you looked around his lab before coming here?”
“Uhhhhh,” Axel blinks. He hadn’t even thought about that. Actually, that would make sense. He should go and do that. “No…?”
She shuts her eyes and inhales slowly.
“What are you doing? Are you sniffing me, you weirdo?”
“What– why would I be– no!” Her eyes snap open again and she shakes an aggressive finger at him. “Put your muzzle back on, I don’t want to hear this from you! You didn’t even check the source! If you thought it’s Dez’s fault, then why didn’t you look for clues, you dumb dog! Go back, go back!”
“Dang, what the fuck!? It was just a question!”
“Get outta here!” Zeta hisses, chasing him out of the threshold before he can take another step inside. “And don’t come back until you have more to work with, okay?!”
For once, this is a door Axel neither breaks down or knocks on aggressively until it opens.
Magni’s got some kind of wicked sense that he always knows when someone is at his door, and he almost always knows exactly who it is. Seeing the door closed and hearing nothing coming from inside, not even a, “Coming, Axel, if you start punching down my door again, I swear–!” is a little jarring.
Really, Magni’s lab is just a creepier place when the alchemist isn’t around than when he is.
He’s only cracked the door open a sliver, but already he doesn’t want to go in. It smells like things have been mixed together and none of those things smelled good in the first place. He activates his mask but the scent does not go away.
Usually, Magni will be quick to direct him to what he needs so he doesn’t have to be faced with walls of miscellaneous bottles and (he shudders) labels upon labels of text to be read.
“A little help, Magni?” He whispers to the guild alchemist who is currently a cat. “Could really use some of those smarts right now.”
The Magni-cat breaks free from his arms at the sight of the open door and struts his way inside, shaking his head as Axel cowers a little in the doorway.
The scent only grows stronger as the gladiator stands there, so he holds the other two cats up as a shield over his nose before stepping through the entryway. He hopes to every star that the pink smoke coming from the corner of the room is not going to turn him into a cat and make this day ten times worse.
That’s the thing with these potions – whether it’s going to make or ruin his day, he can never tell. The last one of Magni’s potions had him down with a huge fever for absolutely no fucking reason, and he still hasn’t gotten the alchemist back for that.
“Yeesh,” he mutters, eyes watering from the fumes as he strides into the lab. “I do not miss this place.”
The Vesper and Altare cats seem perfectly content to keep taking the Axel-mobile and don’t make any move to follow their kittified friend, though Altare does start playing with his braid at some point, which is pretty fucking distracting considering there’s a cat paw constantly waving in his face. Still, Axel is a strong, tough gladiator and barrels on ahead.
“Magni,” Axel eventually calls after the golden cat, who is inspecting the contents of his casting table. The cat’s ears twitch as if listening. “What’s the deal, man? You got a cure for this?”
Magni jumps onto the bench where some potion bottles are laying on their side. He paws at the pair of corks on the table, and then looks at Axel.
“What’s this? What do I do with this?” Axel asks, stepping closer. Vesper takes this opportunity to climb onto his head to get a better view. Axel feels like a walking cat tree at this point.
Magni pushes the corks toward the bottles. Then he looks at Axel again.
“Oh, cork these?” He follows the action and smiles toothily when the cat nods in approval. “Now what?”
Magni tilts his head to the side. With some trouble that the gladiator does not help with, he grabs a hemp bag with his mouth (Axel tries not to immediately die of cuteness) and drags it over to the corked bottles.
Axel has got that part down at least. Bottles go in the bag. Easy.
Magni nods again, and Axel temporarily loses track of him as Altare bats at Vesper’s tail and makes the doctor-gladiator-turned-cat-tree stumble to keep balance.
“Guys!” He snaps, “Be careful!”
When he looks again, Magni is carrying some stems in his mouth, pushing them into the bag himself. Axel is struck by the sudden urge to be mean and put him inside the bag for funsies, but holds back – only barely – because his sanity is currently being held in those bitty purple paws.
“What’s up next, you stinky little man?” He asks Magni.
The cat gives him a long look, then with a flick of his tail, he trots back out the door.
Axel has no choice but to follow. He almost hits Vesper on the doorframe on the way out.
So here he is once more.
He rings Zeta’s doorbell again. And again. And again. And again.
“Well? Did you get some intel?” She asks when she pulls the door open, instead of a proper, normal, nice greeting like ‘hello’. “Don’t tell me you’re here to waste my time again.”
“Magni gave me this bag of stuff,” He lifts up the hemp satchel that the clever cat of an alchemist had amassed for him. Said cat meows approvingly from where he’s now situated on Axel’s shoulder. “Can you look at it?”
Zeta reaches up to pat Magni on the head and the cat closes his eyes in contentment. “I’m glad someone around here is helping. Thanks, Dez.”
“Don’t be nice to him, dude. He caused this mess in the first place.”
She takes off down the hallway and Vesper the cat jumps down to follow, tail flicking curiously in the air.
Magni is alert on his shoulder, clinging onto his jacket.
Altare is taking a carefree nap in his arms. All that jumping around probably tired him out.
Must be nice, Axel thinks, kicking the door shut behind him and making his way after Zeta.
He repositions Magni so the golden cat is in his arms beside Altare, smiling to himself when he feels the vibrations of their purring against his chest.
Somewhere down the hallway, Zeta has picked Vesper up and he’s now riding on her shoulders. His silver fur completely hides him in Zeta’s hair, which is funny as hell. He imagines trying to fit a normal human-sized Vesper behind Zeta. The man towers over most people on a good day, and Zeta’s not exactly tall. Even Altare would have trouble hiding behind her.
“Hurry up, Axel!” She calls. The Vesper-cat meows as if echoing her words. “We haven’t got all day!”
“Off we go,” he tells Magni and Altare, hoisting them higher as he takes off after the secret agent with a quick spring in his step. “We gonna go seal your fates, guys.”
There’s no response from the cats, which is expected. He half-wishes that they could talk the whole time and they’re just meowing around to fuck with him, but if that were true, then Magni at the very least would have had some form of recovery potion prepared.
He rests his chin on top of Altare’s fluffy head and sighs.
When he had that dream, this wasn’t the kind of day he had in mind. He can’t even enjoy it that much, because he can’t share it with his guildmates, and even if they’re technically in this together, it’s not like they can laugh about it together, since cats can’t laugh.
He loves cats, but he misses his friends. He really does.
Zeta works efficiently when she’s being serious, which actually comes to a surprise to Axel who had previously only known her as a pon dummy cat whose only hobby apart from being a dumb cat was being mean to him.
“You know what you’re doing?” He asks, as she lays out Magni’s potion bottles on a silver bench along with the other random crap that the alchemist had nudged into the bag.
“Yes. I do.” Her answer is distracted as she shines a funny-colored torch at the bottles. “I literally just have to reverse engineer this. If this is the mixture that caused the transformation, it’s the best lead I have.”
“You can do that with potions?”
“It’s unconventional, but yes, if the potions are not too complicated.” Her eyes gleam. “But my methods are a secret. It’s all part of my mission training.”
“Daaang.” He says, not even disguising his astonishment. “You actually know things.”
“Why are you so shocked?! It’s my job!” She scowls, then changes the torch color as she examines the bottles closer. “Anyway, the problem is figuring out what he’s given me. If it’s not potion, and it’s just ingredients, then I need to find a way to make the potion myself.”
Magni hops onto the bench. His eyes are apologetic, as if he wished he could communicate the answer to the problem, but he cannot. Zeta seems to pick up on it and shoots him a smile, shaking her head.
“Hey, we’ll figure it out. Don’t worry.”
Her words bring some relief to Axel, too, so he leaves them to it. He’s going to go back to catsitting the other two, and making sure they don’t break Zeta’s equipment or something.
“What’s going on, pops?” He asks Vesper conversationally, and only gets a chirp in response. He follows the gray cat as he leaps down from Zeta’s shoulders, trotting towards the pile of gadgets strewn along what can only be described as an aluminium coffee table doubling as a trash heap.
Vesper explores the boxes surrounding it as if he’s going to find a cat-to-human translator, but so far, his paws are coming up empty. It’s kinda adorable though, seeing the cat rummage through the boxes. He’s looking like a true scavenger. Or a dumpster-diver.
Not knowing what else to do, Axel just awkwardly stands in the middle of the room, slumbering blue cat still cradled in his arms. He looks down at his leader.
“Oi, Altare,” he whispers. “Any clues, man?”
Altare blinks sleepily at him.
“He’s a cat.” Zeta mutters. With Magni’s guidance, she pours amber liquid into a test tube. “He can’t talk to you.”
“You’re a cat and you’re talking to me right now.”
“I’m a cat and—” she cuts herself off, catching the slip. “No. I’m not a cat. Don’t be silly.”
“Hah! You just admitted it! Don’t lie! I heard you!”
She ignores him, attention caught by Magni, who paws at the tube, pointing at something.
“You’re right, kitty. That is strange.” Zeta says. “Do you see that? It’s hair… or fur. Cat fur, probably.” She snatches up a pair of tweezers and carefully extracts it. “Orange, if I had to take a guess.”
The alchemist-cat meows.
“Mmhmm,” Zeta responds, distracted. “So I’m no potion expert but as long as I can figure out what ingredients went in, I can counteract the effects. It’s looking like this was originally a transformation potion. Is that right, Dez?”
Magni meows again, nodding his head.
“Okay, here’s the plan.” She puts on a pair of safety goggles. “Common transformation potions are easy to negate, I just have to find the right formula for this one. Technology has advanced enough that we don’t have to guess or anything, anymore. Unless you’re a stupid dog and trying to diffuse a bomb.” Of course, she has to get a cheeky little jab in.
“Hey!” Axel protests. “I did good that time!”
“You just admitted you’re a stupid dog!” She laughs evilly, but coming from Zeta, it’s not really that threatening. “Gotcha!”
“Shut yo’ bitch ass up!” He shakes his head ruefully. Whatever that means. “You tricked me!”
She ignores him once again, the sassy cat that she is, sliding a formula chart underneath Magni’s little paws. “Hey, Dez. Help me out here. Which one was the original potion supposed to be?”
Seeing two cats leaning over a scary-looking paper full of math makes Axel laugh. He shakes Altare, who sleepily kicks him, “Why can’t you be like them, huh? I could enter you in math competitions and win money.”
He sees the Vesper cat shaking his head. “Hey, pops, why don’t you enter yourself in math competitions? You could be the world’s first cat mather. Cat math man. Man cat. Math guy.”
“Mathematician?” Zeta asks, now carrying Magni over to the bench with the weird bottles on it. He pokes at some of the labels with his nose and she dutifully picks them out. There’s a slosh as she pours the liquids together, lighting up a small stove so that they can combine. “Thanks, Dez.”
“Nice Zeta is scary,” Axel shudders.
“Vesper, can you come over here?” She asks sweetly, while sending a glare Axel’s way. “We’ll need to figure out how to administer the solution once it’s done, too. Ingestion is slow-acting, and your digestive system might choose to throw it up before it can work properly.”
Vesper quickly makes his way over, always happy to be of assistance.
“Ingestion, inhalation, or injection.” She says, addressing the scholar cat with a smile. “The three best methods of administering potions or antidotal solutions. Any ideas on how we should do this?”
Vesper and Magni both look at each other, then at the syringes Zeta has up on display, then seem to come to a mutual conclusion. Axel shudders again. He wouldn’t trust Zeta with a syringe on a good day, and he’s not about to volunteer himself to do the jabs – sure, he’s got experience as a doctor, but it’s not the same as being a vet.
He seems to be on the same wavelength as the high-INT duo for once, as the scholar and alchemist both make their way towards some kind of plastic fridge-looking thing, which Axel can only assume does not involve any injections.
“Ohhh, smart!” Zeta claps her hands, easily convinced. “If we put you in the fume closet, then we could just smoke all three of you with the cure… easy, easy...”
The stove is turned off, as she blows softly on the white smoke. It smells a little bit like raspberries, which is weird, but hey, Axel isn’t going anywhere near that shit so he’s happy as a clam, right where he is.
Zeta hums. “It should be done now, so I'll just prepare it for smoking. You guys hop in first, alright?”
Vesper and Magni jump into the fume closet, clearly deciding that whatever happens might as well happen. Axel can practically hear the “why not?” ringing in their little heads.
“One cat left,” Zeta calls, addressing Axel with the command like she’s some kinda mob boss. “Hand him over.”
“Here, catch,” Axel nonchalantly throws Altare into the air.
“AXEL!” Zeta shrieks, both hands coming out to catch the flying cat. “Don’t do that! What is wrong with you!?” Altare clings onto her for dear life, claws digging into her sleeves. “Hey, kitty, it’s okay– come here, come here,” She glares, eyes gleaming icily. “Fuck you, Axel!”
He only waves her off. “I knew you were gonna catch him!”
“That doesn’t mean you can just throw cats at people!”
“I didn’t, though! I threw a cat at a cat!”
“Seriously, Axel!” She huffs angrily but carries Altare over to the safety cabinet where Magni and Vesper are watching expectantly. They’re both already used to these antics – and Axel admits he probably shouldn’t have tried to sprinkle salt on Altare that one time his leader got turned into a snail, but hey, everything always works out in the end. Maybe that's why Altare was terrorizing him earlier. Huh.
Zeta shuts them into the cabinet, closing the plastic screen on them. Axel doesn’t know how this fume closet works but if Zeta was going to kill them all, this would probably be a pretty good way to do it, he thinks.
“Okay,” she peers into the cabinet, “You kitties just sit still, okay? And close your eyes.”
Axel can’t see the cats react but he leans against one of the lab tables and crosses his arms. This had better be a good fucking fix.
She pours the liquid into a small tube and puts it into something-or-other which goes into this slot on the cabinet or whatever. Axel stops paying attention, too busy thinking about what he’ll do if Zeta actually ends up killing his guildmates because he can definitely defeat her in combat, but she’s sneakier than him and could probably talk her way out of a criminal offense.
Smoke starts seeping out of the closet, clouding the screen and Axel resorts to his favorite method sans violence and heeheehahas: praying for the fucking best.
“Zeta-san,” he says, more to fill the silence than anything else. “Is this how you got turned from a human into a cat, too?”
“What the hell?”
“Like, was there a process, or did you have to eat worms or somethin–”
There’s a loud clatter and Zeta jumps as very human bodies spill out of the cabinet, signaling the success of her efforts. “Oh my god!”
A wave of relief washes over Axel as he sees the familiar faces of his guildmates revealed while the cloud dissipates, even though they are currently slumped uselessly on the ground, unconscious.
Zeta holds both hands over her eyes and inches towards the exit. The way she wobbles around is awkward and hilarious and Axel just snorts at her.
“What the fuck are you doing, Zeta-san?”
She scowls as if the answer is obvious. In hindsight, it probably is. She bumps into the door and he snorts again. “Dumbass.”
“Shut up!” Zeta yells immediately, finally pushing her way back through the door and fleeing into the hallway. “Ugh! Just– just tell your guildmates to put some clothes on and get the fuck out of my house!”
“It was you!” Magni hisses, pointing an accusatory finger at Axel. He’s acting so catlike even in human form that Axel can only laugh. “You got cat hair in one of my potions! This was all your fault!”
Axel had been quick to run back to the guild hall and fetch their clothing after Zeta had more-or-less chased him out of the house once again, and now that they were all awake and back to their usual selves – if a bit disheveled – the first mode of operation appeared to be yelling at him.
Which, much to Axel’s amusement, is just about how he expected this to go.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he grins, “That could have been anyone.”
“I don’t keep a cat in my lab, let alone an orange one,” Magni scowls, shaking his head. “And you’re the only one that walks around covered in cat fur! We were at your house yesterday and you cuddled your cat the entire time! How could it not be you!?”
“Well, the fur’s not mine,” is the great and brilliant argument that Axel’s conjured up on the spot. “You should complain to the source instead.”
“Now he’s blaming the cat.” Vesper snickers in the background.
“No, no, he has a point. Dogs don’t have cat fur,” Altare nods thoughtfully, and perhaps too seriously, as it makes Vesper laugh harder.
“Your cat didn’t break into my lab and sprinkle fur into my potions. Don’t lie.”
“How do you know he didn’t?”
“Now he’s employing the ‘asking the interrogator questions’ method.” Altare narrates.
“Motive. Means. Opportunity.” Magni declares dramatically, raising a finger for each one. He does not acknowledge Altare. “Does your cat have any one of those?”
“What does that mean?” Axel asks flippantly. If there's anything he's good at, it's playing dumb until his opponent gives up. “Why can’t you just speak like a normal person?”
“I am speaking like a normal person!” Magni groans, sighing like the weight of the world has been placed on his shoulders. Or he's just tired. His arms wave around as if it will help his point. “It was you, Axel! Stop trying to get out of this!”
“How did it get all you guys, then?” Axel can’t stop laughing even as Magni throws a magmite at his head. The little guy seems more than happy to be used as a projectile, anyway. “You know better than to start drinking Magni’s potions randomly.”
Vesper looks at Altare. Magni also looks at Altare.
Altare looks at Axel and pointedly does not make eye contact with the other two.
“Um.” His defense for himself does not go off to a good start. “I tripped?”
“So, technically,” Axel says giddily, seeing a clear way to talk himself out of the situation. Take this, leader. “It’s Altare’s fault.”
“No, what, come on, Axel,” Altare looks pleadingly at him. Its effect is much lessened now that he's not a cat anymore. “Don’t say that.”
“If it helps — maybe it doesn’t — but if it helps…” Vesper pipes up, too honest for his own good sometimes. “…Altare did trip over my cloak. Like, that definitely was part of the reason it happened.”
“Well, then, it’s Vesper’s fault.” Axel is happy as long as the blame doesn’t land on him. “Thanks for fessin’ up, old man.”
“Oi, oi, oi, it is not Vesper’s fault,” Magni argues, shaking a disapproving finger at all three of his guildmates. “Stop playing pass-the-parcel with the blame here. Vesper is innocent.”
“And so am I,” Altare says decisively.
“Hmmmm.” Magni sounds less convinced. “I don’t know about that.”
“Wha— huh?”
“I think it’s Altare’s fault.” Axel agrees.
Magni nods. “Put him on the stand. Make him defend himself.”
“Wh— that’s so unfair,” Altare whines, yanking on one of Magni’s cloak arms. He’s quickly swatted away. “It’s not like I tripped on purpose! Weren’t you sure it was Axel a second ago?!”
“Circumstances changed.”
“Circumstances– circumstances changed.” Vesper starts cackling, slapping his knee in amusement. “It’s okay, Altare. I still think it’s Axel’s fault.”
“Bailiff, you’re not allowed to express opinions on the accused unless I ask.” Magni says.
“Oh noooo,” Axel giggles, just really really happy to be here with them again. “Are we doing the Judge Magni bit again?”
“You already sentenced me last time! This is rigged!” Altare protests as Magni shakes an accusatory finger at him. “What more do you want from me?!”
“A confession and an apology. I expect the 600 page document on my desk by tomorrow, Mr. Regis.”
“What–! Don’t be so mean, Dezzy-Wezzy~” Altare pouts at him. “It wasn’t that bad.”
“I didn’t want to waste an entire day being a cat.” Magni crosses his arms. Then he crosses another set of arms, for added effect.
“Yeah, you’re already catty enough,” is Altare’s quiet little quip that goes completely ignored except for a stifled chuckle from Vesper.
“Think about it this way! At least you guys were cute cats!” Axel tries to lighten the mood. “Really nice and fluffy. Even though you bit me one time and stole my food and made me carry your sorry asses around, it was still hella fun.”
“You really can’t stay mad at Axel,” Altare smiles softly, seeming to have already forgiven (or forgotten) about Axel tossing him into the air, which is great because Axel had been waiting to get hit for that and now he gets to live another day.
“You really can’t.” Vesper agrees with a fond shake of his head.
“I can.” Magni decides he wants to be difficult about this, which is also nothing new.
“Don’t be so negative, Magni, we fixed it, didn’t we?” He slings an arm over the alchemist’s shoulder, offering him a grin – said alchemist glances over at him and sighs. “C’mon, Magni. It’s just a little heeheehaha, you know how it is.”
“Fine.” He replies with a huff. “But technically, Zeta fixed it.”
“With my help, obviously!” Axel cheers himself on with a firm nod of his head. He isn’t wrong. If he hadn’t brought them to Zeta, they would all still be wandering around in cat form. Probably miserable. At least they would be super fluffy, though. “Where would you guys be without me?”
Magni reaches up and pinches his cheek. Axel opens his mouth to protest but decides he might as well give him this one small victory. After all, he’s not about to be the next victim of the alchemist’s cheeky scheming ass by getting on his bad side.
“Where would we be, indeed.”
Axel just grins at him.