Work Text:
Elanguescent
eh-lan-goo-eh-sent/ēlanguēscō/
verb: to grow faint, fail, slacken, relax
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The first time Remus Lupin saw Sirius Black, the only word that came to mind was “posh,” and Peter was the one to voice it only to be met with a glare. From his carefully cut hair, to his haughty expression, to his rigid posture, everything about Sirius screamed old money. His robes were crisp and pressed, his boots shiny, and his trunk had his family name etched into it along with some phrase. Everything about him juxtaposed Remus who hadn’t even believed he’d be coming to Hogwarts until a month ago.
As the years passed, Sirius slowly lost his strict upbringing, though it was a slow journey. The whole first year, he was constantly making his bed, folding his clothes, and organizing his bedside table. Remus couldn’t help but find it quite odd the way he’d go galivanting through the halls with James, terrorizing the portraits and suits of armor, only to come back to the dorm room and run a comb through his hair with careful precision. Everything he did seemed so meticulously calculated but Remus had quickly learned not to mention it.
By their third year, Sirius had begun growing his hair out so it now stuck out behind his ears in a shaggy cut that looked too good on him. It was also in third year that Remus realized he may be paying a little too much attention to his friend in a way that was a bit too intense to be considered platonic. This was something he was quick to push down, the universe was too cruel to give him the burden of being both a werewolf and gay and he would hide both these aspects of himself for as long as he could.
This problem became a bit more glaring in their fourth year when James took a tumble during a quidditch game and was sent to the hospital wing for an overnight stay as he regrew his bones. Remus had hardly given it much thought as he got ready for bed, and it was only when he was pulling off his socks, perched on the edge of the bed that he noticed how stressed Sirius looked. He was sitting in the center of his bed, eyes fixed on James’ bed and a lip pulled between his teeth. Even now his back was perfectly straight, no hints of slouching despite it being almost midnight after a day that had been tiring for all of them.
“Sirius?” Remus called across the gap, keeping his voice low as Peter had already turned in for the night. “You alright?”
Sirius snapped his gaze to Remus, his usually bright silver eyes dark, and gave a stiff nod. “I’m fine.”
Sirius was rarely fine when he said he was but he also rarely took intrusive questions well. Remus watched as Sirius’ gaze was pulled back to the vacant bed and realization struck. “Are you worried about James? I know today was a close call, but he’ll be fine. I’m sure he’ll be up and terrorizing the castle by lunch.”
“No, no, I’m fine, I promise.” Sirius flashed him a toothy grin before jumping up to enter the bathroom.
Remus got the message and pulled his curtain closed, settling into his many pillows and falling asleep within minutes. This didn’t last long as he was pulled out of his sleep to a strangled cry before silence that was so loud he couldn’t help but wonder if he managed it. Though it was quiet, Remus could feel the familiar warmth of Sirius’ magic floating through the air -- a sixth sense he realized that werewolves must possess as none of the other boys seemed to understand what he meant when he voiced it in first year. It must’ve been Sirius who had cried out and all Remus could think about was how distraught he looked before bed. In a split second decision, he threw his covers off and slipped out of bed, heading towards Sirius’. He parted the curtains gently, in case he had been wrong and Sirius was still asleep, but the scene that met his eyes was anything but.
Sirius was pressed against his headboard, a hand pressed against his mouth to muffle the sobs racking his body, the other wrapped around his body. And then he raised his head to look at Remus and the pain he saw in those red-rimmed eyes sent a dagger through Remus’ heart. His eyebrows pulled together in confusion, his hand dropping from his face to blindly grasp at his wand. “I thought- I put up a silencing charm.”
“I know,” Remus replied, providing no further explanation and climbed into the bed next to Sirius. “What happened?”
Sirius’ gaze hardened as he dropped his gaze to his lap, his chest still stuttering with every breath, and his voice a low murmur, “Just a nightmare. You didn’t need to come, it’s okay.”
“It’s alright, I don’t mind.” Remus leaned closer to press his hand to Sirius’ back as a comforting gesture only for the other boy to flinch back before freezing, his wide eyes mirroring Remus. “I’m sorry, I should’ve asked.”
Sirius just shook his head with a sniffle, “Merlin, you don’t need to ask before touching me. I’m sorry, I just-”
His voice broke when Remus wrapped his arms around him, pulling Sirius to his chest, one hand rubbing circles on his back. Remus could feel the tears soaking through his shirt but couldn’t find it in himself to care as he just held on tighter. “You’re okay, it’s okay. I don’t mind asking, yeah? Sometimes after nightmares I also don’t like being touched, you’re fine.”
Sirius mumbled something unintelligibly but he relaxed into the hug, ever so slightly. His perfect composure was slipping and Remus’ chest warmed as the tension slowly left Sirius’ body and he curled into Remus. He was unsure how much time had passed before Sirius pulled back, watery eyes meeting Remus’ own amber ones. “I’m sorry for keeping you up.”
“As if I haven’t kept you up before,” Remus teased, smiling at the other boy fondly. “That’s what friends are for, yeah?”
Sirius’ dark hair fell into his eyes as nodded before glancing away and then back at Remus, nibbling on his bottom lip. “Can you- can you stay? You can say no, it’s okay. You’ve already done so much and usually it’s James but he was gone and I thought I would be fine but I wasn’t and now I’ve ruined your night-”
“Relax, Sirius. I’ll stay. You haven’t ruined anything.”
There was a bit of fumbling as they both got under the covers and then they were laying shoulder to shoulder, gazes fixed on the canopy of curtains hanging above the bed. Remus could practically feel how tense Sirius had become as he laid perfectly still like a log, but didn’t say anything, too scared to spook him.
“It was about my mum. You know how awful she can be, lately she’s been a bit more… physical with her disciplining.” Sirius’ voice was quiet and he continued to stare straight ahead even when Remus lolled his head to look at him. “She, um, she used to use stinging hexes on my back if I didn’t sit up properly. I know you guys think it’s silly, and I try not to be her perfect son at Hogwarts but it’s hard. Quite literally ingrained in me.”
Remus’ heart sank at his words as he imagined Sirius as a child, whipped into an unnaturally perfect version of himself. Growing up, after nightmares, his mom would always wrap him up in her arms, grounding him and making him feel as though he’d never be safer anywhere else. With no words to help the situation, Remus just pressed closer, nudging his head onto Sirius’ shoulder, pausing to make sure he’s fine with the development. There was a moment of silence and then Sirius’ head was pressed against the top of Remus, a gentle touch that warmed Remus’ chest.
“I’m sorry she treats you like that,” Remus finally managed. “And I don’t think you’re silly. A bit of a posh boy, but definitely not the ‘perfect Black heir.’”
Sirius snorted a bit at that, wiggling around in the bed to get comfortable again before sighing. “Sometimes I hate how much of an impact they’ve left on me. Even here it feels like I can’t properly get away from them. Their rules are just always in my head and I wish they weren’t.”
“It’ll fade over time,” Remus assured softly. “I mean it already has, you’re so different from first year. So much more you.”
“I have?”
“Yeah. You don’t organize your bedside table every night anymore. More of a weekly thing, it seems. You draw on your papers during class, a couple years ago you wouldn’t even write your name in anything but cursive on assignments. You stopped using the different sized forks for meals in second year, and I think you even licked a plate last week. Very Padfoot of you.”
“You noticed?” Sirius sounded as if he was in disbelief and Remus’ face warmed at his words. “I didn’t even notice.”
“You notice things about people when you live with them.” Remus tried to brush it off. They had finally made progress and now Remus had ruined it by putting his foot in his mouth. Sirius rarely talked to him so openly about his family, and here they were, sharing a bed and talking late into the night.
“I didn’t think anyone cared enough,” Sirius admitted and Remus wished he could see his facial expression. What was he thinking?
“Of course I care. Just like Peter, and James do.”
“James doesn’t give me these cuddles when I have nightmares,” Sirius teases, nudging his head against Remus’. Despite his words, he had yet to move away, if anything he had pressed closer.
“Really? I’m surprised you two haven’t snogged yet.” The joke left Remus’ lips before he could stop it and his whole body tensed as he waited for Sirius’ reaction.
“As if I would snog James. It would be a bit like snogging myself, not really my type of thing.”
Remus was thoroughly baffled by this response. Given his upbringing, Remus wouldn’t have been surprised if Sirius had been opposed to all things gay, much like the blood purity beliefs he once held in the beginning of first year. They had all discussed it and soon Sirius had readily agreed that everyone should be equal, and while that sentiment had extended to werewolves, did it also include gay people? Remus was about to reply when he realized Sirius’ breathing had evened out and he had fallen asleep.
After that, the night was uneventful and when the pair woke up the next morning neither of them mentioned what had happened. Soon enough, James was out of the hospital wing and they continued their routine and Remus’ conversation with Sirius seemed forgotten.
Remus wished it had meant something more, a turn in their friendship, but it was months before the occurrence was mentioned. It was clear something had happened in the summer before fifth year, with how desolate Sirius had been on the train ride to Hogwarts. Remus hardly expected to hear about it, knowing there would no doubt be some sort of sleepover between James and Sirius as they discussed the events.
Due to this, Remus was thoroughly confused when it was his curtains that were pushed open later that night as Sirius stuck his head in. Unlike the last time, there was a lack of tears though Sirius still seemed weighed down by the summer.
“Moony? Can I come sit?”
“Of course,” Remus replied immediately, scooting over so Sirius could slip in. This time, the light illuminating his bed was still on and Remus couldn’t help but study Sirius. The past three months had melted the baby fat off his face, leaving him with sharp features that were now softened as he gazed at Remus. His dark hair had finally reached his shoulders, a small portion of it pulled back into a top knot that Remus itched to sink his fingers into.
“How was your summer?” Sirius asked, tipping his head back against the headboard, eyes fixed up at the curtains.
Remus swallowed as he followed the long lines of Sirius’ neck as he craned his head, his shirt slipping just enough to reveal a glimpse of prominent collarbones that Remus had never noticed before.
“Remus?” Sirius was now looking at him inquisitively, eyes narrowing ever so slightly. “Your summer?”
“Oh! Right. It was fine, Wales is pretty quiet, I helped a bit at our neighbors farm. Cute cows.” Merlin, who cares about cows. “What about you? Was she… bearable?”
Remus listened intently as Sirius recounted his summer, the long days locked in his room, the suffocating dinner parties, the endless critiques taken out on him through curses. He wasn’t as visibly upset as last time, but Remus could still tell the summer had been hard on him. And for some reason, he had come to Remus for it.
“I know that’s a lot, I just needed to tell someone and, I don’t know, you just get it sometimes,” Sirius’ voice grew timid halfway through his sentence, still avoiding eye contact. “James is great but he doesn’t always know what to say, yeah? You get it, even though we have different problems.”
Remus knew what it was like to fight to avoid turning into what everyone expects you to be. A werewolf. The Black heir.
“I’m always here to listen, Pads,” Remus assured, offering him a soft smile.
“Even if I take up space in your bed and hog the covers?”
“Even then.” Remus’ heart leapt at the potential of this being a recurring thing, something that they do regularly.
As their conversation wrapped up, Sirius slid down to lie down next to Remus, the tension less evident in his shoulders. When Remus made no move to move closer, it was Sirius who shuffled closer, nosing into the crook of Remus’ shoulder.
“You’re always so warm,” Sirius mumbled, his voice dripping with a sleepy lilt.
“Werewolf things,” Remus replied, leaning into Sirius’ hair that smelled so strongly of him.
And become a recurring thing it did.
Throughout the year, they continued to slip into each other’s bed, revealing secrets as they settled in for bed. If James and Peter thought it to be odd, neither of them commented on it, and for that Remus was thankful. He wasn’t quite sure if it meant anything to Sirius, if it had even a fraction of the impact on him as it did Remus, and he wasn’t going to be the one to bring it up. All he could think of was how Sirius was growing more comfortable around him. Fifth year had been the year Sirius finally began to slouch, giving in to the comfort of sprawling out on chairs and beds, and this was mirrored in the way he clung to Remus as they drifted off the sleep, no longer lying as rigid as a board.
It was the party right before spring holidays that Sirius finally gave in and tried a drink. He had always been adamantly against them, hating the way they transformed his father -- an explanation he whispered one wintry night, asking Remus to not mention it to the others -- but for once he wanted to try it. Remus had never been big on drinking, too scared to see what he would do completely inhibited, and watched with amusement as Sirius danced around the common room. Despite his fears, Sirius was anything but violent as he settled into a tipsy state of mind.
Remus’ stomach turned when he saw Sirius and Marlene latch onto one another, twirling around the others dancing. Sirius had never been big on dating, going to Hogsmeade every once in a while though this had died down considerably in fifth year. A small part of Remus was hoping it was because of how close they had gotten, but he knew it was most likely a coincidence. He made it about three songs, leaning against a pillar chatting with Lily Evans, eyes drifting towards Sirius every now and then to see that he and Marlene had only gotten closer wherever they were stumbling to, the punchbowl, the dance floor, the couch. No longer amused, he bid Lily goodnight and made his way to the dorm room.
He was about halfway through unbuttoning his shirt when the door opened to reveal Sirius, his hair wild and his eyes bright. His face lit up at the sight of Remus and he wandered in, shutting the door behind him with a steady click.
“Remus! You left!” Sirius came to a stop inches in front of Remus before his eyes slowly slid down Remus’ face to the tan skin marred with scars peeking out of his white shirt.
“You noticed?” Remus asked when it was clear Sirius had nothing more to say. “What are you doing up here? I’m sure Marlene is waiting.”
If Sirius heard the bite in his words he didn’t seem to care, instead raising his silvery eyes back up to Remus’ amber ones. “Of course I noticed, I always notice you. And I finally convinced Marlene to talk to Dorcas!”
“Dorcas?”
Sirius leaned in and raised a hand to comically whisper behind, “Marlene likes Dorcas but is too scared to tell her! I told her she should do it.”
“Marlene likes Dorcas? I thought she liked you.” Remus’ head was swirling. Since when was Marlene a lesbian? He wasn’t alone.
“Oh, no. She doesn't like boys!” Sirius shook his head in mock disappointment at Remus’ lack of knowledge. “And I don’t like girls, so it wouldn’t work out very well would it?”
Remus felt as though a cold bucket of water had been dumped over his head. “You what?”
“I don’t like girls,” Sirius replied, before cocking an eyebrow. “Are you drunk? Can’t seem to hear anything I say.”
Remus had no idea what to say -- just because Sirius was gay didn’t mean Sirius was gay for him . “Um, so, what are you doing here?”
“For you. I wanted to be with you,” Sirius replied earnestly and his eyes began drifting downward once again.
Sirius’ words paired with his wandering eyes only confirmed Remus’ hopes so he stepped closer, invading Sirius’ personal space. Silver eyes widened as Sirius tilted his head back up to fix his stare on Remus.
“And why exactly did you want to be with me?” Remus questioned, reaching forward to push the hair out of Sirius’ face before dragging his hand down to his chin to press a finger under it, keeping their gazes connected. The other boy swallowed harshly, eyes flickering across Remus’ face.
“You know why.”
“Say it.”
“Because I like you-”
The words barely left his mouth before Remus’ lips had replaced them, and Sirius immediately surged forward, hands grabbing his face. Remus could taste the fire whiskey on Sirius’ lips before his mouth opened and Remus had entered a whole new level of floating, hands sliding down to press against the small of Sirius’ back and pull him closer than ever. And for the first time in history, Sirius went perfectly pliant, tilting his head back to properly accommodate Remus.
Sirius had spent a lot of his life working to be perfect -- perfectly straight, perfectly obedient, never slouching, never messy, never showing his feelings. But the second he was around Remus Lupin, it all went down the drain and he was just Sirius, nothing more. In Remus’ arms, he could finally relax and let himself just be.
That night was the first time Sirius’ shirt ever touched the floor and laid there, unfolded and crumpled.