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It was dark, and it was cold. Odd, Hirano thought.
"Where am I?" he whispered, his blue eyes scanning the void surrounding him.
The last thing he could remember was Kagi who promised to wake him up the next day, with such a radiant smile that left him with a warm feeling in his chest.
Warm and bright. That's how he would always describe Kagi, and that's what he pretty much felt around him these days. Warmth and brightness.
At home.
The complete opposite of what he felt right now.
Lost.
He took a deep breath to calm down his nerves and stepped forward, his arms raised in front of him, hands searching for whatever he could find ahead.
A couple of uncertain steps ahead and his hands could touch a solid surface, like a wall, but smoother, maybe a door, he wondered.
He lowered his hands a bit, and felt the cold metal of a doorknob.
He grabbed it firmly and opened the door praying for the best.
The door led to a hallway lightened up by the mild sunrays coming through large windows.
"At least I can see now" Hirano exhaled, relieved.
Still, he couldn't shake that dread of being lost, who knows where.
He closed the door behind him reading the tag "storage room" affixed there and raised his highbrows.
"How the hell did I end up in some random closet?" he hissed, confused.
He stepped closer to a window to inspect the scenery outside and he was met with the view from the top of a busy city, taxis and cars invading the main street, kids laughing, people sitting at the bars chatting lively.
He glanced back at the hallway full of closed doors, an elevator and a staircase at the end of it, and came to the conclusion that he was simply in an apartment building.
He took a step back to see his blurred reflection in the window and almost couldn't recognize his own face.
He looked…older? His hair was shorter, with no bangs to cover his face, just side locks neatly stuck around his ears. His jaw and cheekbones were more prominent and no earrings were adorning his earlobes. He was also wearing the most boring suit he had ever seen in his life.
Something felt off.
He had started walking towards the stairs, eager to leave that ominous building when one of the doors caught his attention and forced him to stop.
- Niibashi - Kagiura
He froze reading the familiar names.
Why on Earth these two would be living together in a place like that?
From what he knew, Kagiura was still living with him, in their dorm.
Maybe it was a different Kagiura.
But how many were the chances that even Niibashi was a different one?
He decided to go against his better judgement and try his luck. The situation had been weird from the start anyway.
Worst case scenario, he could still run away from the building later.
He rang the doorbell, praying that a well-known puppy face would show up and help him out of the mess he was currently in.
"Can you handle that? I'll be right back"
"Sure...Coming!"
Muffled voices came from inside.
Then the door opened and a tall, light-haired, athletic guy with a gentle look in his eyes stood in front of Hirano.
"Yes?"
"Ni-Niibashi?" Hirano muttered, disbelief showing off on his face.
"Eh? No no, sorry, I'm a just guest, Niibashi is out at the moment. Do you need anything?"
"No don't worry, I'm actually looking for Kagiura?"
"Oh, he's home. Come in."
"Thanks." Hirano said, scratching his blond hair.
"Forgive me, are you a friend of Akki? I don't think we have met before". The man escorted him to the living room and invited him to take a seat on the sofa.
Akki. He called him Akki. Only his family called him like that. Maybe this man was his brother.
"I'm Hirano, an old friend. We're goin-- ehm, we went to high-school together". Hirano stated, matter-of-factly.
"Ahh, I see. Well, he'll be here in a minute. Sorry, so many people came by these past few days and I lost count of them. Things are pretty hectic now that we're getting close to the ceremony, you know?" the man said with excitement in his voice. "I'm Yuki, by the way, nice to meet you".
Hirano didn't get a word of what the man was talking about, but agreed nonetheless.
"Yuki? Who is it?" a voice called, approaching the room.
His voice.
"Oh, hey! It's an old friend of yours babe, Hirano-san?"
Then Kagiura finally showed up and Hirano couldn't believe his eyes.
The figure in front of him was still Kagi, he could see it in his eyes, but definitely not the same boy that shared the room with him the night before.
He was a man now.
Tall, probably two meters high, with broader shoulders and more defined muscles. He swore his biceps and thighs looked at least twice the size as the ones he presumably had yesterday. Or what he thought was yesterday. His bangs were styled to the side, leaving his forehead free, and his face was stuck in an expression of pure awe, as if a ghost had just appeared in front of him.
"Honey, I really have to go now and take care of that stuff… I'll see you later and then we'll head back to your parents house together, okay?" Yuki said, kissing Kagiura's cheek.
Okay, that was definitely not Kagiura's brother, Hirano thought.
"Yeah, see you later" Kagiura huffed, his eyes still fixed on Hirano.
"Uhh, call Niibashi and remind him about the rings please?" Yuki pleaded, with one foot out of the door.
"…Sure." Kagiura replied, lowering his gaze and then turning his head to smile back at the man.
"Thank you! I love you! Byeeee! Goodbye Hirano-san!" Yuki exclaimed, leaving the apartment.
"Bye, I love you." Kagiura waved at him.
All that exchange and public display of affection left Hirano nervous and he couldn't explain why.
"Sooo…" Kagiura looked away trying his best to find the right words and avoid an awkward conversation.
"You're so tall. You're… different" Hirano broke the silence and stated the obvious, or better, one of the few things that looked certain to him at the moment.
"Yeah?" Kagiura replied furrowing his brows "uhm…Hirano-san, sorry, why are you here?"
Kagiura looked tense, which was a first, he had never seen him like that around him through the year they lived together.
Everything seemed so absurd and Hirano was sick of it already. He got up from the sofa and started pacing the room.
"Okay, this might seem crazy, but something really weird is happening to me…yesterday we were both in our dorm room and then today I found myself in your floor's storage room? And I look like this, and you look like that? You get it?" Hirano blabbered, looking at him with expectancy.
"Are you high? You know, smoking pot? Doing drugs? Maybe drunk?" Kagiura questioned him.
"What? NO!"
"Did you hit your head hard? Have some sort of amnesia?" he kept teasing him.
"Tch…No? Just…I don't think so? Shit, I'm not so sure anymore… all I know is that I woke up in that storage room outside and I don't know I got there". Hirano almost yelled.
"Okay…what is the last thing you remember?" Kagiura asked.
"Telling you to set the alarm for the next day before going to sleep"
"In..in our dorm room." Kagiura scratched his temple, avoiding Hirano's gaze.
"Yes. What's wrong with that?"
"Hirano-san, that was ten years ago."
Hirano stopped pacing.
"Ten… years? That's…that's not possible".
Kagiura simply shrugged and pointed at the calendar in the kitchen.
2027
He flopped on the sofa once more trying to process everything.
The change in both his and Kagiura's physique.
Kagiura sharing an apartment with Niibashi.
Kagiura dating someone else.
He put his hands in his hair and sighed heavily.
"Hirano-san? Look, I don't know if you're in the middle of an existential crisis right now, but…can I do something for you? Is there anyone I can call?" Kagiura dropped on his knees in front of him.
"I don't know…this is crazy…I skipped everything…and it feels like a weird dream, I can't remember my own life…please… you need to help me remember my life!" Hirano stared at him with pleading eyes.
"Me?!" Kagiura echoed.
"Yes!"
"I can't do that" Kagiura punctuated.
"You are the only one who can!"
"No!"
"Why?"
"Because… I don't know anything about you Hirano-san…I haven't seen you since high-school" Kagiura admitted.
"What?" Hirano looked at him bewildered.
"We're not friends anymore." Kagiura said with a sad look in his eyes.
"What are you saying, you were even my best friend…"
"No…Hirano-san… our lives went separate ways, we didn't share a room in our third year and we went to different colleges, had different careers…Pretty sure you got your dream job though, last time Niibashi checked out your socials you were some kind of aeronautics professor or something".
That's where the boring suit came from then, Hirano thought.
"And what do you do?" Hirano asked.
"Oh, I'm still a basketball player, I'm in the national team now" Kagiura replied with a bubbling voice full of pride, flashing him one of his characteristic blinding smiles.
Hirano could hardly believe his previous words though.
"But... I don't understand...why we had to stop keeping in touch, why we're not even friends anymore?"
Kagiura resigned to his fate and sat beside him on the couch, sighing heavily.
"Because...I couldn't stand the pain anymore. Being with you...hurt too much."
Hirano stared at him with grief in his eyes. He swore to himself he would never be the cause of that sad look on Kagiura's face anymore, and yet there it was again, magnified tenfold. He felt his heart being pierced by an invisible knife.
Kagiura gave him a sad smile and looked to his side:
"You know, at first I tried, I really tried to stay friends, to show you my love...to see you whenever I could even if we didn't share a room, we still lived in the same dorm after all… we used to eat together and study together nonetheless. But then you graduated from high-school and things...changed." Kagiura lowered his gaze and frowned.
Hirano didn't know what to do. He needed Kagi to help him putting up together the pieces of a missing past, but something inside him was tearing him apart seeing how recalling these events was affecting Kagi again.
Kagiura always put other people first though, so he simply kept going:
"You met someone in college. Some girl from your class. Deep inside me I knew that day would come. Your eyes sparkled thinking about her, you smiled at her messages, you kept mentioning her when we talked and little by little she took all your free time too. I could only sit and watch from afar the man I loved slowly fall in love with someone else."
Hirano lowered his gaze, face red, almost on the verge of tears.
"And, I couldn't blame you for anything. We were still friends, you checked on me from time to time. Always kind and respectful...but that kindness was killing me. Crumbles of something that left me aching for more. But you couldn't give me more. So I had to walk away. To cut ties with you. To let myself heal from all the pain. And yes, my biggest regret will always be losing you as a friend, but I had no other choice. I felt so miserable, I didn't even have the strength to get up from the bed, I almost quit basketball for good, I had no passion left for anything..." Kagiura trailed off.
Hirano raised his head and stared at Kagiura's face with glossy eyes.
Not this.
Not Kagi losing his passion because of him.
A Kagi that didn't love basketball simply didn't exist in his mind.
Basketball was like breathing to Kagi.
Realizing he took away from Kagiura his will to breathe left him gasping for air too.
"Buuut!" Kagiura continued, taking a deep breath "time heals every wound… and Niibashi helped me a lot too, picking me up from the ground every damn time." He laughed awkwardly, trying to lift the mood. "Going our separate ways was the toughest choice I ever had to make, but it was the best decision after all…for both of us…and when I went to college I met Yuki."
That was a light in Kagiura's eyes when he said his boyfriend's name that made Hirano's stomach churn.
"He's an year older than me and we had been playing together in the college's basketball team for a couple of months when he confessed to me. Speaking about weird coincidences. At first I didn't want to know anything about it, I was still trying to mend my broken heart, but he patiently waited for me, took care of me, made me feel wanted and with him I realized that it was possible for me to fall in love again."
"Well that's…that's great…" Hirano said in a low tone.
"Yes! We've been playing together ever since and he always had my back… now we're on the national team together and it feels like a dream come true".
"Oh right…that's why he was talking about an imminent ceremony before" Hirano recalled.
"Eh? No, I think… he was probably gushing about the wedding" Kagiura admitted sheepishly.
"A wedding?"
Kagiura inhaled deeply and stared right into Hirano's eyes.
"We're getting married on Sunday, Hirano-san."
Hirano swore he heard a thunder, but maybe it was just his brain playing tricks.
"M-married? Wait, this Sunday? Tomorrow?" Hirano asked frantically, mouth suddenly dry.
"Yeah...just a small ceremony in the afternoon, at my parents' house."
His parents' house. Where Kagiura gifted him the blue earrings.
"I see…well, congratulations then!" Hirano tried his best to sound happy and convincing.
"Thank you, Hirano-san!" Kagiura gave him one of his fondest smiles in return.
"Don't mention it. I'm just glad you found the happiness you deserved. And I'm sorry I put you through so much trouble. It was never my intention."
"I know." Kagiura reassured him.
"Well, at least things are a little less confused now, so thanks…for your help…maybe I did drink too much yesterday, who knows." Hirano lied. "Seems I took way too much of your time and made a fool out of myself for too long today, so if you'll excuse me…" he said, standing up and walking towards the door, ready to leave.
"Oh, don't worry. If you ever need anything, just let me know, I'll help you anytime." Kagiura replied, opening the door.
"Thanks." Hirano exclaimed, leaving the apartment. Then he turned his head once more to stare at Kagi's face one last time. "Goodbye Kagi-kun."
Kagiura beamed at the sound of his old nickname that he hadn't heard in years and gave him a warm smile.
"Goodbye, Hirano-san. It was nice to see you again."
"Same." Hirano nodded and walked away.
Then the door closed behind him and Hirano was left alone in that hallway once again.
He felt his body moving on its own, one foot in front of the other, walking down the stairs, then outside of the building, his blank mind barely registering the noise coming from the chaotic city surrounding him.
He kept walking forward, with no direction, until he reached a nearby park and flopped on a empty bench.
Emotions took over him all at once and he did nothing to fight them.
Everything hurt.
Pain sloshed through every fibre of his being, he could feel it in his bones, his muscles, his nerves, his veins.
He couldn't breathe.
Why was he feeling so sad?
Why did it turn out like this?
Kagi was his kouhai.
Kagi was his friend.
Kagi was in love with him.
All he had ever wanted was to make sure to be able to see Kagiura's hard work up close and personal. To stay by his side. To see Kagiura being happy with what he did for him. To be needy with him and be needed in return.
To be the only one who Kagiura needed by his side.
In the end though, he had failed.
He didn't accomplish any of that.
And he had failed Kagiura the most.
He was the only one who caused him pain.
He was just a bad memory in his past.
There was someone else who made him happy now, who could see his smile and share his victories or comfort him through failures. Someone who would wake him up everyday. Someone else who made Kagiura's eyes light up just by saying his name.
Someone else who wasn't Hirano.
Why can't I just be happy for him?
Why I don't want anyone else but me near him?
Why did I choose another person when all I wanted was him?
All I wanted was him.
Like in a sleeping spell that suddenly had been broken, Hirano opened his eyes to the truth and realized his feelings for Kagiura.
I love him.
He gulped and raised his head. The sun had set long ago and darkness had surrounded him once more.
He dried his tears with a sleeve and stood up from the bench.
He had to tell Kagi.
He couldn't let him marry someone else without telling him how much he meant for him first.
And, okay, it was cruel and a bit selfish to just barge in his house and ruin what was also Yuki's wedding, but he had always shown how much he cared about Kagiura through his actions, and that…that was the time to act.
Hirano wouldn't let anybody steal who was destined to be with him.
Too bad it was already night, and he still didn't even know where he was and Kagiura was going to get married the next day.
Luckily, he found a phone and a wallet in the pockets of his coat and, gathered some info on his whereabouts, he sprinted to the train station, determined to reach Kagiura's hometown before noon.
He was still on time when he finally arrived to the Kagiura family home.
He walked through the front gardens surrounding the traditional Japanese house, now full of white decorations. A lot had changed since the last time he had been there.
He was thankful everyone was outside in the back garden, getting ready for the ceremony, so he could slip into Kagiura's room without being noticed.
He stopped just outside his door and prayed for the best, just like he did the day before.
He opened the door slowly, trying not to startle anyone with his presence. He peeked inside and he found Kagi there, fixing his tie.
He was breath-taking in his black tuxedo, hair slicked back, a green flower in his jacket front pocket.
Kagiura raised his head and his eyes met Hirano's.
"Hi" Hirano whispered, closing the door.
"Hi!" Kagiura echoed with a surprised face. "You came to the wedding".
"I…yeah, sorry if I barged in here uninvited." Hirano said, with a slight embarrassed face.
"It's okay, you're always welcome to stay". Kagiura replied in a gentle voice.
Hirano stared at him again. It was now or never.
"Look…I still don't know what happened to me, but I want you to know that whatever version of me you were talking about…wasn't the real me. Kagi…I'm not the awful person that would forget about you. I don't even know that person. And…I like to believe, I have to believe that if you knew that, if in your heart you really really knew that, you wouldn't be getting ready to marry someone right now, unless… that someone were me."
Kagiura, who listened patiently and astonished to what Hirano had to say, released a breath he didn't know he was holding and covered his eyes with a hand.
Then he smiled.
"Hirano-san, I'm not gonna lie to you. I felt things…when you showed up…that I didn't know I could feel anymore."
Hirano beamed, hopeful.
"But I realized later that you just can't…turn back time." Kagiura admitted.
Hirano froze. "Why not?"
"I moved on, you moved on, we've gone down different paths for so long, we made choices, I… I chose Yuki. He's waiting for me outside. We care about each other, you know?" Kagiura explained.
Hirano lowered his gaze and tried his best to fight the tears that were willing to stream down his face at any minute.
Suddenly he felt cold. He felt lost. Like in that dark room he woke up into.
"Hirano-san, please…" Kagiura looked at him with a sad expression.
"Oh, it's okay, I understand…I don't want you to be late, so you better go, I'll be fine. I'm just crying a bit because I'm happy, I want you to be so so happy." Hirano muttered, eyes glistening. " I love you Akira, you're my best friend." he said, tears now flowing free down his cheeks.
Kagiura looked at the floor and grimaced.
"Hirano-san, I…I've always loved you… I've always wanted to live my life next to you, marry you, buy a house together where our kids could play and then grow old by your side…but now…now it's too late." Kagiura gazed at him with tears in his eyes.
Hirano simply smiled at him one last time and nodded.
Then he quietly opened the door and left the room.
He walked back to the front garden and sat next to a cherry tree, not caring of who might see him in his miserable state.
He closed his eyes and stayed there for a while, letting the gentle wind caress his hair.
In the distance, he could hear the sound of laughter, of people cheering and clapping hands.
He felt tired.
All hope was gone.
He couldn't find a single way to escape the nightmare he was in.
He lost the only thing that mattered to him.
He couldn't treasure it while he still had the chance.
It was too late.
Suddenly, he heard a voice waking him up from his daze.
"Hirano?"
He slowly opened his eyes to a familiar man with bright orange locks elegantly styled to one side, amber eyes wide open in surprise.
"Sasaki? Why…why are you here?" Hirano asked.
"I'm here with Yoshikazu."
"For the wedding? Is he a friend of the groom?" Hirano questioned him.
"Yeah? Of Kagiura's. I thought I told you they went to college together…"
"Is that so?" Hirano mumbled.
So Miyano did manage to meet his old roommate in the end.
"Are you okay?" Sasaki asked.
Hirano raised his head to look at him properly and took a deep breath.
"No…" he whispered, voice shaking.
Sasaki didn't say anything. He simply ducked his head.
Hirano knew he could understand what was going on in his mind right now.
Sasaki had always been a silent observer.
And he could definitely see in Hirano's eyes just how much the man was consumed by despair and regret.
Something glistening under the sun rays caught Hirano's attention.
A gold ring on Sasaki's ring finger.
Hirano smiled.
"Can I ask you something?" he broke the silence after a while.
"Sure" Sasaki said.
"What would you do if you couldn't be with Miyano anymore?"
Sasaki's eyes darkened for a second, fear clouding them.
He gave it some thought and then said:
"I would wait for him. I would always wait for him. No matter how long it takes, in this and every other life. I would wait until we can be together again. Because we're destined to each other." Sasaki replied.
Hirano snickered and left out a groan.
"Ugh, you're such a simp"
"Whatever you say, mom" Sasaki grinned.
Hirano glared at him.
"Do you need anything?" Sasaki asked.
"No…I'll just stay here for a bit more, go or you'll miss the fun".
Sasaki nodded and walked away, leaving Hirano to his thoughts.
Hirano closed his eyes and let the sun dry his tears.
Far away, he could hear violins play, lulling him into a comfortable slumber.
Kagiura's warm smile, the last thing on his mind. Warm and bright.
Hirano-saaaan
He could even hear his voice ringing in his ears.
Hirano-san!
.
.
.
"HIRANO-SAN, WAKE UP!!"
Hirano jolted awake and looked around.
He was still in his dorm room.
He glanced at the calendar and, much to his relief, it was 2017.
He was still a 17-year-old student.
A student who simply fell asleep on his desk.
"A nightmare?" he whispered to himself.
"Hirano-san are you okay?" Kagiura's voice from his side made his heart jump.
He turned to face him and almost cried when he was met with the familiar teenager version of his kouhai.
His puppy eyes full of worry made him feel warm once again.
"Yeah…never been better" he replied.
"Are you sure? It's unusual for you to fall asleep like that while studying… maybe waking up even earlier isn't a great idea after all… " Kagiura pouted.
Oh, how much he missed that face.
"I just have to get used to it. How about you wake me up?" Hirano asked getting up from his chair.
"I did?" Kagiura gave him a confused glance.
"Can you give me ten seconds of your time? I need an energy boost." Hirano smiled at him tenderly.
He had a chance again. And this time he wouldn't waste it.
Kagiura's mouth fell open from astonishment.
"O-…okay?" he said embarrassed, getting closer to Hirano and standing in front of him.
Then Hirano took his hands and laced their fingers together.
Nobody bothered to count this time.
They simply lost themselves into each other's stare.
Then Hirano raised his head and kissed Kagiura's lips gently.
They kept exchanging soft pecks at first, lips grazing, their fingers unable to separate. Something not heated, yet full of passion.
Then they both deepened the kiss, craving for each other, sealing their lips together, breathing into one another, chasing their tongues, trying desperately to pour all their feelings into that kiss. To communicate all love, desire, devotion.
When they eventually broke the kiss gasping for air, Hirano looked at Kagiura's red face, at his eyes shining like never before and felt like the luckiest man alive.
If that was a dream he didn't want to wake up, ever.
"I love you, Akira. I'm sorry you had to suffer because of me. But I promise from now on I'll do everything to treasure you. I'll be the better version of myself for you. Because I can be at my best only with you. If you'll let me stay by your side. I want to be needy with you and for you to be needy with me. Only me. I want to be the only one who can wake you up in the morning and I want to be the reason why you smile too. I want to share your joy on your good days and support you on your bad ones. I want us to be family. I want all of this and so much more. Only with you." Hirano finally admitted, face red.
Kagiura stared at him with impossibly wide eyes, tears flowing on his cheeks.
"That sounds like a wedding vow, Hirano-san" he said, sniffling.
"You'll have to wait a bit more for that." Hirano snickered. "Sorry, I'm always making you wait." Hirano said, avoiding Kagiura's gaze.
Kagiura held Hirano's face between his hands and smiled at him tenderly.
"I love you Hirano-san. I'll always wait for you." he said, their foreheads touching.
Hirano smiled at the deja-vu. "Because we're destined to each other?" he grinned at him.
"Because all I want is you."
~•~
Ten years later
"What are you doing, hun?" Kagi chirped, stepping into the living room.
"Filling the Christmas stockings." Hirano replied.
"Oh! Extra candies for me please!" Kagi pleaded, eyes shimmering.
"Everyone will get the same amount." Hirano retorted, chuckling.
"Ehhhh, but the kids don't need extra sugar, it's bad for them" Kagi pouted.
"Are you going to steal candies from your own children?" Hirano asked.
"I'm doing them a favour, they could get cavities." Kagi frowned.
"Yeah, yeah, sure" Hirano exhaled, shaking his head.
Then he pulled Kagi by the collar of his shirt and left a gentle peck on his lips. "There, your extra sugar. But the candies will be the same for everyone." he continued, approaching the fireplace to hang the stockings.
"Taiga-san, you meanie" Kagi said in defeat.
Satisfied with his work, Hirano glanced one last time at the fireplace, adorned with a lot of family pictures.
Hirano and Kagiura in their first apartment, matching black rings around their ring fingers, living the best out of their college life.
Them standing next to a plane in a military base, on Hirano's first day at work, wearing two of the most boring suits Hirano had ever seen in his life.
One with both men sporting matching jerseys, celebrating Kagi joining the national basketball team.
The two men at Kagi's parents house, beaming in their white tuxedos and holding their blue and orange bouquets, gold wedding rings shining on their left hands.
Then the last one, with the two of them smiling, lifting up their children in their new house.
Memories of a life they were building together.
Because all they ever wanted was each other.
Their reality now better than any dream.