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Sakasaki Natsume is a girl.
Her parents always dressed her in the prettiest of dresses. The ones with beautiful colours that made her stand out just the right amount while also concealing her from any dangers. Most of her dresses had frills upon frills and puffy skirts, lined with ribbons and lace. Others were slim and fit her snugly, but she only wore those at home or when she and her parents were out on special occasions- like her birthday or holidays. Natsume’s favorite was a black one, with a somewhat poofy skirt and red lace lining the hem and waist.
Her hair was always perfectly done. The red and white locks were long enough to where her hair could be tied into twin tails, but they were also short enough that Natsume could wear her hair down without needing to worry about it flying everywhere. Natsume loved her hair; the color reminded her of candy canes in winter and it made her feel special. She had never seen anybody else with this kind of hair, she was one of a kind. Her mother would sometimes call Natsume her “Peppermint Princess” while they played kingdom with the dolls Natsume had. It made Natsume happy. It made her feel loved and amazing…
It made Natsume feel wrong. The words she and her, made Natsume feel wrong. Natsume wasn’t a princess. Why couldn’t Mother see that? One day, Father called Natsume “Peppermint Prince”…That felt right. That made Natsume feel good. Being called Prince made Natsume feel like her- like himself.
Sakasaki Natsume was a girl…
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Sakasaki Natsume is a boy.
His father made him realize that. He supported Natsume’s choice, meanwhile his mother took longer to come around to it (she never did, but Natsume didn’t care). The frilly dresses were replaced with button up shirts and jeans. His hair was cut shorter than it was, unevenly as per Natsume’s request. Finally, he felt like himself. Finally, Natsume was Natsume .
As Natsume grew older, he developed his own sense of style and self. He made friends with a group of odd people, his nii-sans. How he loved those four, he looked up to them so much- despite the fact that they treated him like a child more often than not. Nothing felt better than being around the other oddballs.
Natsume could still remember the terror he felt when his childhood slipped out in front of them. He feared they would look at him differently, that they wouldn’t see him as Natsume anymore, but as Natsume . Being wrong never made Natsume happier. He still remembers the warmth of Kanata hugging him and giving him a soft head pat. And Wataru and Rei joined in on said hug, both of them lightly chuckling at Natsume’s surprised face.
God, he can still remember the tears of relief running down his face when Shu patted his head and said, “I’m proud of you for being able to know who you are. We’ll always support you, no matter what Natsume.”
The oddballs are one thing. Tsumugi is another.
Natsume can’t help but want to strangle that man every time he brings up Natsume’s childhood. Sometimes he wonders why he ever let Tsumugi join Switch. Other times, he feels so glad he did that. How is it possible for one person to make him so frustrated and so calm at the same time?
“Natsume-kun?” Natsume snapped out of his daydream, not because of the voice but because of the sickening twist he felt in his gut. Where did that come from…?
Natsume brushed the feeling to the side, opting to look at the staff in front of his desk, “Yes?”
The staff smiled, “I apologize for interrupting you sir,” twist , “I just wanted to give you the rest of the papers you need to fill out. Of course there’s no rush, no need to feel stressed about it. Alright Natsume-kun?”
Natsume wanted to throw up. Why? He pulled his best smile, nodding to the staff member as he placed the paperwork on Natsume’s desk.
“Have a good rest of your day, Natsume-kun.”
“Yes, you too.” The staff member walked off.
Natsume shook away the urge to puke. He needed to finish working, he needed to…Oh god he couldn’t focus. The words “ kun ” and “ sir ” swirled and bubbled in his head, attacking his brain and his heart in the worst way. Why? Why is being called a boy so bad? That’s what he was. He was probably just tired. Yeah, that had to be it. Natsume was tired, he needed a nap. None of his paperwork was urgent, so it could all wait. For now, Natsume cleaned up and left the agency building. He just needed to go back to his dorm and sleep, then he’ll be okay.
Sakasaki Natsume was a boy…
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Sakasaki Natsume is wrong.
Before Natsume could even attempt to change into his sleepwear, everything suddenly felt wrong. It all felt so terribly, wrong. His body was too small, his skin was disgusting to him for no reason, he felt so unbearably weak and frail. None of this is right. But why? He had been like this since he could remember. Why is it all suddenly wrong now? Natsume tugged his hair as he cried, doing his best to keep his sobbing quiet. Thank God Leo and Nazuna weren’t around. He couldn’t explain to them why he locked himself in the bathroom, or why he collapsed onto the floor in tears, or why he curled up in a ball and sobbed like a child after a nightmare.
Natsume just wanted the bad feelings to go away, he just wanted- “Stop saying he!”
The shout was sudden, even Natsume didn’t recognize that the words came from his- her- his- her- Natsume’s own mouth. Natsume began to sob harder. Someone had to help. Natsume was so desperate for somebody to come and make the bad feelings go away; desperate for somebody to save him- her- him. Natsume was so desperate, even if it was that bastard Eichi, Natsume would accept his help.
Chiming came from Natsume’s phone. It was a song, a ringtone Natsume set for a specific person. “Mezameta sono toki ni, mado kara sashikon da~”
The phone was on the sink counter, and Natsume had never rushed quicker to grab something than at that very moment. The phone almost fell from Natsume’s hands, Natsume cried harder. Natsume needed to hear that voice. The voice he hated so much, the one that could calm him down or redirect his anger- Why is he still saying “he”? What else can he say?
After fumbling countless times, Natsume was finally able to hit the accept call button and hastily brought the phone close. “There you are, Natsume-chan. I was-”
“ Tsumugi-niisan… ”
Everything seemed to stop as he hiccuped, and that just made Natsume feel so much more afraid. Nothing was okay still; his head hurt, his throat hurt, his eyes burned as more tears bubbled and spilled.
“Natsume-kun? Where are you? Are you alright?” Natsume has never been happier to hear that idiot’s voice.
“I’m- I- Everything is wrong. It’s all wrong. Fix it. Please Tsumugi-senpai, fix it! ” He has never felt more desperate in his life.
Rustling could be heard from Tsumugi’s side of the phone and wind blew through the phone’s mic. Tsumugi was running, was it to Natsume? Would Tsumugi rescue him? “Natsume. Where are you?”
Natsume sniffled, “My- my dorm…Bathroom. Please. Please hurry. Mugi please.”
There was a click. Tsumugi had hung up. Natsume was even more terrified now. His phone slipped from his hand, the same hand that found its way into his hair again and tugged as hard as he could without ripping out chunks of hair. Tsumugi was gonna save him right? He had to…The hope slipped away as darkness seemed to surround Natsume. It hadn’t even been a few minutes and already Natsume was spiraling into the pits of hell.
There was a slam. It was loud, but it sounded so far away. There was a rush of footsteps nearby, and another slam could be heard. This one was softer though, and the click of the door closing was even softer. It was so soft that Natsume didn’t even register it until Tsumugi was kneeling down in front of Natsume, lifting the magician’s head up ever so slightly so he could wipe away Natsume’s tears.
“There, there Natsume…It’s going to be okay, kitten.” Tsumugi wasn’t prepared for Natsume to throw himself into his arms.
“It’s not! Nothing is okay! It’s all wrong!” Natsume couldn’t recognize his own voice, it was weak and broken up with sobs.
Tsumugi didn’t push Natsume away, he held the younger one close to him and quietly shushed him, gently massaging Natsume’s scalp as he spoke, “What’s wrong Natsume? Can you explain it?”
Natsume hiccuped and sobbed, unintelligible words escaping his lips. Tsumugi shushed him again, rocking back and forth in an attempt to somewhat sooth Natsume. It worked a little.
“I…I feel wrong…”
“What about you feel wrong?” Tsumugi was patient, he didn’t force Natsume to answer.
“M-My…” A hiccup, a weak sob, and a deep breath in an attempt to stop the crying, then a whisper, “ My body feels wrong. It doesn’t feel like mine…It isn’t right. ”
He felt a kiss pressed into his head, Natsume felt safe, Natsume felt like spilling wouldn’t be a bad idea. And Natsume did, “I don’t like being called Natsume-kun or sir. It feels like people are talking to someone else. It doesn’t feel like me . But it has to be me! It has to be, there can’t be anything else! I’m not a she, I have to be a he, right?!”
Tsumugi shushed him again. He hummed one of Switch’s newer songs, Natsume couldn’t tell which. It made him feel calmer though, judging by how his sobs finally started to die down. A Switch song in the air, Natsume holding onto Tsumugi like a lifeline, one of Tsumugi’s hands in his hair, and the other rubbing his back. Natsume was beginning to feel peace…But the feeling of wrong was still there.
“Hey Natsume, wanna know something?” Natsume let out a small hum, speaking would make him cry again, “Recently, I was informed by a certain knight about being agender. Do you know what that means?” Natsume shook his head, “Well, I’m not sure if this is exactly correct, but from what I gathered, being agender means you’re not a he or a she.”
Natsume shifted so he could hear Tsumugi better, and if Tsumugi noticed, he said nothing and just kept talking, “You could be both too, or you could be just nothing. It completely depends on who you are…Of course, I’m not trying to force anything onto you! I’m just saying that-”
Tsumugi fell silent as Natsume went limp. He was shocked, realizing that the younger one had fallen asleep, but couldn’t help but smile softly. This certainly took a lot of energy out of Natsume. The rest of Tsumugi’s conversation could wait until his lover was feeling better.
Sakasaki Natsume was wrong…
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Sakasaki Natsume is Agender.
They smiled in the mirror, finally feeling like themselves again. Unlike the first time Natsume felt like their gender was off, their appearance or style did not change much. Their hair was still the same uneven cut, their clothes were still the same style and colors. But this time, Natsume was different. Natsume was for once, truly and completely themself. And they knew they weren’t alone. If the dark feeling of everything going wrong came around again, Natsume knew they had friends, that they had a loving boyfriend, they could call upon to help them.
Sakasaki Natsume was going to be okay.