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"You taught me the courage of stars before you left. how light carries on endlessly even after death."
Could have been weeks, probably months since you and Ellie shared your last conversation. The last time you saw that auburn haired girl as she was slowly losing herself, fighting for the revenge she knew would destroy her in the process. The last time you stood on the porch of her and Dina’s farm house, tears streaming down your face as you begged her not to go. Grabbing her hand, staying as quiet as possible, not wanting to alert Dina. The pain in her eyes was undeniable.
A part of you understood her need to finish what she started. What Dina might have not noticed, you saw clearly. Ellie wasn’t alright, no matter how much she tried to tell otherwise. Overpowered with survivor guilt and post-traumatic stress disorder, she was trapped in never ending cycle of violence. A part of you knew she would never be able to fully settle down the way Dina did. But a part of you couldn’t let your best friend continue on this suicidal quest.
That day, Dina invited you to stay over. You used to visit the farm from time to time. Without them and Jesse, Jackson felt so strange to you. It was the best place you could’ve possible come across, without a doubt. But it didn’t feel like a home anymore. No more patrols with Ellie, no more Saturday dances with Jesse, purposely embarrassing you with his drunk dance moves as he begged you to join him on the dance floor. No more bonfires with the four of you and Ellie’s songs.
Joel’s brutal death has shaken up the whole settlement. When Maria broke the news at the town meeting, a deadly silence settled across the room. And you sat there, stiff and numb, the scene of you, Dina and Jesse finding him and Ellie playing in your mind all over again like a stuck record. At that time, the only thing you cared about was Ellie and her safety. The second you found out she went after that group, you didn’t hesitate to follow her, with Jesse.
And then all those horrific incidents took place. Somehow, probably by a miracle, you returned to Jackson. With WLF losing their war, you managed to steal a truck from one of their, now empty, bases and head back. The three of them ended up staying in infirmary for more than a week, you were released quickly because of your minor injuries. Which, in the end, made you feel even worse. Knowing you didn’t do enough to prevent this from happening in the first place.
Worse than that was most likely Maria’s request to accompany her at Jesse’s parents' house. Before leaving the Seattle, Ellie helped you bury his body, giving him the best possible funeral you could’ve arranged in such conditions. With Ellie’s broken arm, Tommy and Dina’s multiple injuries, you had to get them all a proper medical care. Walking away from him was the worst form of heartbreak you have ever been through. Seeing him die and now leaving his body there brought an insane amount of guilt.
The same kind you felt the second you entered their home. Just like Joel, they have been nothing but kind to you. Always welcoming you so graciously in their home, letting you stay over whenever you and Jesse threw a movie night and inviting you to their BBQs. His mother hugged you so tightly, concern in her eyes as soon as she spotted how bruised your face was. A few hours after arriving, here you were, saying the last thing a parent would ever want to hear. You sat in their living room with Maria right next to you, watching them broke down to tears as you handed them his backpack. You knew you couldn’t leave it there. You wanted them to have it.
You whispered a quiet sorry, looking at both of them. You needed them to know that. You needed them to know you didn’t do enough to save him. And although his parents didn't put the blame on any of you, you never got rid of the guilt swallowing your body. Just like Ellie.
This and Joel’s passing changed the town for good. The following first few weeks put you through the worm form of misery and depression possible. You removed yourself from all patrol schedules and locked inside your half-empty house. You couldn't bring yourself to do anything other than lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. Can't say you tried that much. But to be fair, given the circumstances, no one could hold it against you. You didn't know how to fix yourself, fix the way you felt. Took weeks before you finally left your house, coming to terms with fact that you needed the fresh air.
It was hard for you to find a will to live again, not just survive day by day. You struggled with every mundane chore. You didn't socialise, in any way. Didn't feel the need to. Because the place that once felt like your forever home, was gone. The unfortunate events had impact on everything and everyone.
That's why you loved visiting Ellie and Dina, helping them out as much as possible. Being away from Jackson gave you an opportunity to clear your head and see your friends, building a life together. Shortly after JJ was born, you started to visit more frequently, sometimes even staying over for a few days. It was your own form of escape from the loneliness.
No matter how empty you felt, the moment you saw JJ in Ellie's arms, a smile was brought to your face. As if the sadness was never there. And the second you arrived back to your house, there it was again. You sat on the bed and stared out of the window, seeing Joel’s house. Every single time you looked out of that window, your heart sunk.
You couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. Although you’ve never known him the way Ellie did, Joel had his own special place in your life, in your heart. He was the one who found you on patrol with Tommy, brought back to Jackson and made you feel welcomed ever since. Whenever he was hosting his annual dinners, he never forgot to invite you. Helped you adjust to this place, along with Ellie. And although you knew, at least from what your best told you, that he had a troubled past, to you — he was a decent man.
His and Ellie’s fallout was obvious to everyone around. You never learnt the reason as for why Ellie stopped talking to him, but you saw how devastated he was. He cared for her deeply. And understood her decision, even if it broke his heart to pieces. You saw him sitting at the front porch with his guitar nearly every day. No matter the weather, he always sat there. With that gloomy look in his eyes.
So one day, while coming home from afternoon patrol, you made a quick stop at Seth’s for two sandwiches. Walking over to his house, Joel spotted you and put down the guitar. You didn’t say anything, just handed him the sandwich with a smile on your face. That was the first time in weeks you saw the same thing appear on his. Even if it was just for a second.
You used to stop by, from now and then. Sometimes, especially when the weather was freezing cold, Joel invited you inside and you two dined together in his living room. You never led any profound conversations, just quietly enjoyed each other’s presence. Once in a while, Joel subtly asked about Ellie, wondering how she was doing on patrols. He spent the last two years of his life as a spectator in hers. But you knew he would never change a thing. Just knowing she was safe was enough for Joel. Ellie’s safety remained his priority till the very end.
One evening after coming from the farm house, you decided to stop by his house. Reaching the first step, you noticed bunch of bouquets of fresh flowers. It’s been more than a year since his passing, yet some people never stopped paying their respects to him. Especially the younger ones from patrol team, for whom Joel became a role model.
Even standing on the porch seemed impossibly hard. There was no way you could actually enter his house, let alone the living room. The purpose of your visit was simple.
You struggled to sleep peacefully, knowing he’s not there anymore. And this seemed like the best idea — to look out of your window and see the porch light on. So before you went to sleep, you could imagine Joel sitting out there, playing his six string. As if he never left. The porch light was your way of dealing with you sadness, letting him go slowly.
Which brought you to the day you saw Ellie for the last time.
You arrived early in the morning, immediately getting ready to help. While Ellie babysat JJ inside, you and Dina managed to take care of the animals and prepare lunch. As usual, she asked about Jesse’s parents. They visited Ellie and Dina from time to time, but most of their conversations slowly turned into them advising both girls to move back which Ellie could not always handle. She would never go back.
Surprisingly, Tommy decided pay a visit as well. He showed at the doorstep unannounced with a backpack over his shoulder, smiling happily once he spotted JJ in your arms. The four of your sat in the living room, with you impatiently biting your lip while looking out of the window, hoping to see Ellie arriving soon.
Tommy or Maria used to stop there once in a while, mostly to make sure the girls had everything they needed. However, the reason behind his visit was different this time. You and Dina realised it the moment he placed a map on the table, pointed to Abby's current location and reminded Ellie of promise she gave him nearly a year ago. A promise you knew she could not forget about no matter how much she tried to.
You couldn't overlook the guilt in her eyes as she sat there, listening to Tommy's harsh speech. She tried so much to adjust to this lifestyle and let go of everything that happened in Seattle. The way Dina did. But she couldn't, no matter the amount of effort she put into it. She was struggling, more and more each day, trying to force the idea of coming after Abby out of her mind. The truth was, Ellie would have left in any case. Tommy's words just happened to hasten her decision.
She kept thinking about his words for the rest of her day. You noticed that Dina picked up on Ellie's distant behaviour but most likely didn't want to admit the worst happening. That evening, Ellie went to bed early, leaving you and Dina to chat outside. The two of you sat there with cups of mint tea, wrapped in blankets as you watched the stars. Dina brought up the story of how you once tried to teach Jesse the constellations.
It was a few weeks after your arrival. Joel was having one his dinners when the four of you sneaked out in the garden, lying down on the cold grass. You promised Jesse that morning on patrol that you would show him some stars. But his desire slowly turned into him being extremely frustrated and pissed off as he was the only one who couldn’t find a single constellation you had showed them. Ellie and Dina were losing it over Jesse, throwing his hands in the air, visibly done with you all making fun of him.
You always had the best time.
That brief memory brought a smile on your lips as well as on Dina’s. She used to talk about Jesse a lot, unlike Ellie. She never spoke about Jesse nor Joel, running away from every conversation that could even slightly mention their names. Which you, unfortunately, had sympathy for.
A few minutes before midnight, you both said your goodbyes and Dina disappeared upstairs. While making the bed, you thought of Ellie. You really hoped she would let this go. You didn’t want anything more for her than having a good life, here with Dina and JJ. Her happiness meant everything to you. But a part of you couldn’t get rid of that strange feeling in your gut.
Especially once you woke up in the middle of the night, hearing creaks coming from the kitchen. Getting off the couch, you promptly grabbed the switchblade from your backpack and quietly headed towards the target. Ready to ambush the impostor, you stopped in the last second, as soon as you saw Ellie’s face.
“Jesus Christ, Y/N!” she snarled. “What the fuck are you doing?!”
“Me? What are you doing? I thought someone was robbing you!” you explained. “You scared the shit out of me, Ellie.”
She sighed, scratching the back of her head. “I’m sorry.”
You took a quick look at her and noticed she was fully dressed up, even wearing one of Joel's old jackets.
“What are you—“ you didn’t have to finish that sentence. You got the answer when saw her backpack and riffle lying on the floor. “Ellie, please,” you whispered. “Please, don’t do this.”
Hearing the pleading sound of your voice made you feel pathetic.
“Y/N, I’m not having this conversation with you,” she mumbled curtly, breaking off the eyes contact. “Don’t make this harder for me.”
She didn’t utter another word, only reached for her stuff and headed towards the front entrance. Not hesitating, you ran after her, grabbing her hand. You squeezed her cold fingers and dared to look into her green eyes. She was standing there, few inches away from the steps, ready to leave no matter what. You knew now that nothing would stop her.
“Y/N, please,” she whispered, tears sparking in her eyes. “Please, let me go.”
“What about Dina?” you raised your voice, already tearing up. “What about her and JJ? What about your family, Ellie? Does this get to be more important that what’s waiting for you upstairs? Don’t throw away what you have. You’ve fought for this. So don’t walk away from it.”
Those words were breaking your heart, as well as hers.
Instead of answering, Ellie reached into her pocket and handed you a piece of paper.
“Give this to Dina,” she requested.
“You’re gonna have to give that to her yourself,” you shook your heart. “Because I’m not letting you leave.”
Not even the urge in your voice could stop her from her suicidal quest. The moment she dropped your hand, whispering one last sorry, you broke down to tears. Standing on the porch with tears streaming down your red cheeks, you watched Ellie leave. Realising this might be the last time you saw her. Alive.
Worse than this was handling the letter to Dina. Just three seconds into reading and she already broke down. You immediately jumped over to comfort her, hugging her tightly. You stayed with her for the following two weeks as there was no chance she could manage to take care of the whole property by herself. The other reason of your extended visit was guilt. Guilt of not doing enough to prevent Dina from feeling the way she did.
Eventually, after month and a half, Dina made a decision to move back to Jackson upon the offer from Jesse’s parents. As soon as the news of Ellie departure broke, they rushed over here, promising to do as much as they could to help her. And even though the farm was everything Dina ever dreamed of, it was time to go.
A group of patrollers and few town men helped you both pack Dina and JJ’s stuff and move them to Jesse’s parents’ house where she was planning on staying. She knew it was for the best, having JJ grow up beside his family. Their arrival brought a part of joy that’s been missing in Jackson for the past few months.
Dina knew she didn’t have time to mourn over Ellie. She came to terms with it, making her child the main priority. And doing everything in her power to provide him as much of normal life as possible, given the circumstances. Which sort of became a reason for you to get your shit together. You wanted to be there for Dina as well as find a way to make this place feel like a home again.
Which you managed to achieve, in certain aspects. You started helping around the town, not only because of your urge to useful but mostly because of the need to distract yourself, to prevent yourself from being left alone with your hazardous thoughts. You started participating wherever you were needed, slowly becoming Maria’s right hand. With Tommy’s condition, she needed someone to help out and you’ve proven to be reliable. To the point where you started training the young patrollers. Yet between this and Dina, you still found time to think of Ellie.
She made her decision. And although you didn’t support her literal suicidal quest, you respected the choice. To be completely honest, as the time passed, you didn’t think the two of you would ever run into each other again. If she made it out alive, there wasn’t much of chance of her going back to Jackson.
From time to time, you’d pass the empty farmhouse on your patrol route. And every single time you spotted that place, there she was. At the back of your mind. Every memory you had of her was there. Whether it was her birthday, Joel's dinners or bonfires. She was there with a smile on her face, looking as happy as she possibly could. And you desired, more than anything, she would find that smile again.
The idea of her showing up crossed your mind a few times. Especially when walking around the property. What if you just opened the door and there she would be, waiting for you. This yearning of yours forced you more than once to head over there, open the door and wander through an empty house, just to find a single memory of her. But the only thing left was a box with her belongings, placed under the table in her art room.
And the fact that the box remained on the same spot as before served as a reminder that she was still gone, not coming back.
You found yourself visiting that place more frequently than you probably should. You had to detach yourself from it, once and for all. Letting go of Ellie was scary, yet much needed choice.
You needed to move on.
Fours months later, when the snow settled across the Jackson County, you were coming back from you patrol. Soaking wet from the blizzard going on out there, you decided to grab a quick dinner at Seth’s. Regular route prolonged to almost six hours because of the horrible weather so by the time you arrived at the stables, you were starving. Ham sandwich seemed like a Heaven on Earth at this point.
Walking down the street, you noticed people putting on Christmas decorations, mostly the colourful lights. It was a tradition from the old world that people adopted. It made you smile for a moment, seeing all those colours sparkle in the dark. Looking at the lights and snowmen built on the streets truly let you forget about the world out there, even if it was just for a second.
While admiring the beauty of Christmas time around you, you caught a sight of Joel’s house. You noticed the porch light, still being on and empty chair, placed in the corner, as well as the flowers, now covered in snow. You stopped for a second, letting yourself place the idea in your head before you snapped out of your thoughts.
And spotted Maria standing by your front door.
As soon as you saw her, you rushed over to her, putting the sandwich into your backpack.
“I have a job for you.”
You heard the second both of you entered your house. Sitting by the kitchen table, Maria seemed uneasy, compared to her usual confident self. The only time you saw that strange look on her face, was when Tommy set off to Seattle. You didn’t ask as you weren’t sure whether you wanted to hear the answer or not.
“A group of new people arrived last week, as you know,” she started.
During patrols, one of the guys you were training ran into a rather larger group of people with children. With majority of them unarmed, starved and injured, he offered to take them into your settlement. Maria had an open door policy, giving every one who passed through, an opportunity to stay, if they wanted to.
“We’re planning on expanding the fences, but until then, there’s not much space left,” she added. “We decided that it’s for the best if we move one of the families into Joel’s house.”
Of course you were aware of the fact that this day would come eventually. You just didn’t expect to feel that sudden wave of sadness.
You couldn’t get a single word out of you.
“What I need from you, is to collect his stuff and belongings and decide what are we should keep,” she continued. “I wanted to ask Tommy, but there’s no way he would do it. And with Ellie being gone, I think you’re the right choice for the job. You two seemed to be close.”
“Oh,” that was possibly the only thing you could get out of yourself right now. “How much time do I have?” you asked.
“Well, the sooner the better,” she replied. “The family is staying at the infirmary, for now. The mother is pregnant, so I’m sure she would appreciate sleeping in her own bed.”
The job was simple. Just the idea itself was rather scary. The house was a symbol of Joel's being, for you. A reminder that he’s not gone. He’s still out there, at least your imaginary idea. Emptying the house means letting go of that. And you weren’t sure whether you were truly ready for that step. To say goodbye to it once and for all. To turn off the porch light.
“Listen, I’m aware of what I’m asking for,” she continued after her words were met with no reaction from you. “But I really don’t have time to do it. And there’s no one else I could ask. You cared about Joel, you cared about Ellie—“
“Doesn’t she deserve to know?” you interrupted Maria, leaving a sight of confusion in her eyes. “I know that their relationship was never easy. But after all she’s been through, it doesn’t seem fair to do it without her approval. Without, at least, letting her know.”
Maria sighed, sitting down next to you. “I see where you’re coming from, I do. But she’s gone, Y/N. She made her choice. I’m not blaming her for leaving. I’m just trying to say, that we can’t sit around and wait for her, potentially coming back. And if you’re wanting to go after her because of this. Think twice. I’m not sure there’s anything that could bring Ellie back. Not even this.”
Of course she meant well. She always cared for Ellie and wanted her to be happy, just like everybody else. But unlike you, she came to terms with the fact, that Ellie was most likely gone for good. Something you were still working on. And at the end of the day, she had a town to take care of. She couldn’t just send someone out there to look for her. Ellie made her choice to go to Santa Barbara.
And there were only two endings to her situation. She either died on the way, being bitten or ambushed by some group. Or she somehow managed to find Abby and finished her quest, with no consolation prize. If she would proceed with the killing, which was the last thing you wanted, Ellie would lose herself for good. And as much as you didn’t want to think about the worst possible scenario, there was a chance of it, becoming an actual horrifying reality.
The only thing left to do, was to accept Maria’s request. You nodded quietly, giving her what she came for in the first place. There was more than one thought running through your mind at that moment. Joel’s house, the farm, Ellie. You needed a second to process this.
“Y/N,” Maria’s voice snapped out of yours thoughts once again. “Thank you.”
A fleeting smile was the only thing she received before leaving. She spoke to you one last time, halfway gone, when she turned around on the porch as you walked her out.
You had one week to finish your job.
You probably could’ve used the time more productively, separating the parts of the house for each day. But that would require to overcome your fear of entering it. The first day you tried to, the morning right after your conversation with Maria, you only reached the porch. The second you touched door-handle, a memory of you and Joel sitting in his living room flew through your mind. The sound of the heavy storm outside the windows, the story you told him that night, about your patrol with Ellie and how she helped you with those clickers. That smile he had, the whole time. Whenever she was mentioned, he always had the saddest smile.
Saddest one filled with care and love that was never going to go away.
You turned around, running home, locking the door and sitting down on the floor. Trying to catch your breath. Two days later, after arriving from patrol, you lied to Maria, saying the job is almost done.
You avoided the house like a plague, being aware of the fact that you can’t run away from it. As well as of the fact that didn’t want to let Maria down. So on a Friday night, with all the strength left in you, you grabbed the empty boxes and headed towards that place. Walking up the porch stairs without a single anxious feeling inside your body was quite a success.
Taking a quick look around, you spotted Joel’s rocking chair. Taking two deep breaths was enough to prepare. You grabbed the doorknob, closed your eyes and opened the door. First time in months.
But the second you entered the hall, it felt as if nothing has changed. As if he was still there, his scent dancing around the house. Everywhere you looked, there he was. The dinner table — Joel laughing at Tommy’s terrible story. The couch — Joel talking about his favourite album. You walked through the hallway to the living room and stopped for a second to absorb everything around you. There was so many sights of him. One look at the fireplace and you thought of all those sandwiches and dinners you shared before he passed away.
You didn’t do much the first night since you spent almost all of your time wandering around his place, exploring every corner. From seeing his unfinished wood projects to discovering his relatively extensive record collection. Besides that, you found something else as well. Rather a realisation than a thing. Realisation of how many things in this house were somehow connected to Ellie. Pictures she drew for him, photos of them together, even a bunch of comics he most likely read because of her.
The saddest of all of them was a book called Idiot’s Guide to Space. There wasn’t anything Ellie’d loved more than space. That girl could spend hours and hours talking about it, knowing every single detail possible, from dates to names. She once named you all the astronauts that travelled to space, including the exact dates of their trips. It was her passion.
You sat down on the floor, leaning against his bed. You noticed a bookmark, a fact of him not being able to finish it brought a certain amount of grief. You went through a few pages and spotted that some of the sentences were highlighted with a pencil. There was something written on one of the corners.
'Yury Gagarin was the first man in the space. She mentioned this in Wyoming. The year of 1961, just like she said. He flew abroad the Vostok 1.'
That night you left the house shortly after one o’clock in the morning, spending another hour reading the book in your bed. There was a lot of his small, personal notes written almost all over the book.
The following day you decided to be more productive. Knowing you were pressed for time, there was not much space left for exploring of any kind. You started early in the morning with the easier rooms, such as kitchen and bathrooms. Most of the stuff stayed, beside Joel’s coffee mug and toiletries.
His living room and bedroom were probably the hardest one to pack. Especially when you realised that three boxes were clearly not enough for all of his records, clothes and wooden projects. You decided to divide the most personal stuff into a separate box, such as a photo of him and a small, blonde girl. Ellie once told you about his daughter whom he had lost on the day of the outbreak. He never mentioned her, at least not to you. You never asked. You knew better than anyone how delicate these topics could be.
You dedicated that box to Tommy. Even if he refused to enter Joel’s home nor talk to you, he deserved to have it. You packed it all safely and left at his doorstep. Small talk weren’t your speciality and considering how grumpy Tommy has been lately, you didn’t want to risk any embarrassing encounter. You even put a small letter inside, expressing all you wished you had said after Seattle. It was your way of closure for you and him.
Clearing out Joel's place brought not only a lot of memories but thoughts as well. Especially those you tried to bury deep in your mind, those regarding Jackson and your life here. Over the past couple of months, you made some progress. Even if it took a lot of your strength, you managed to get back on your feet. Somehow getting through every day. Helping out Maria was great, that feeling of responsibility was enough to keep your mind occupied.
But you knew that all of this was just a distraction. Those feelings you had were still there. The pain was not gone. Unlike the feeling of being home, that was still nowhere to be found. The sense of comfort and safety that Jackson used to represent was gone. No matter how much you tried forcing yourself to find it.
The idea of leaving flew through your mind a few times. Ellie did. Though the intentions were slightly different, she left due to the way she felt. And you felt alone, even if you tried to say otherwise. There was too much sadness tied to this place for you to stay and repair it. Maybe this was what you needed to heal and move on. Pack your things and leave. The door were always opened for you. So in case you wouldn't find what you were looking for, Jackson was there. Maybe packing up Joel's house was all you needed to detach yourself from this. Once and for all.
There was a significant difference between living and surviving. You knew it now, more than ever.
The third and last night a heavy snowstorm was taking over Jackson. You were standing in Joel’s kitchen with a glass of water in your hand, having a little break. After all day, you were worn out. You had an awfully long patrol with a few newbies and that always took twice the time than the usual routes you took by yourself.
You passed the farmhouse again. And to be honest, as much as it annoyed you to admit it, you were quite thankful for the group of newbies as it took away the opportunity of having another one of your unhealthy visits. The last time you went to that place was after your failed attempt to enter Joel’s house. Right after your panic attack, you grabbed the necessities and sneaked out of the settlement. It was a momentary idea that somehow turned into reality.
Maria would most likely give you a lot of shit for doing something so stupid, you were aware of that. But you had to, for your own sake. You went to that house with a piece of paper in your backpack and put it on the front door with a three layers of duck tape to make sure it wouldn't fall down. Letting Ellie know was your own permission to proceed with the job. There wasn’t any chance she would show up at the farm house and even if so, she would never cross the gates of Jackson. But you felt obligated to do it.
Putting the glass in the sink, your eyes landed on Ellie’s old house. Maria never mentioned whether the new residents planned on using her space as well but it was still worth checking out. You wondered about it a few times. Although Ellie took majority of her belongings to the farmhouse, there could have been something left that was worth saving.
Just like you did for Tommy, you dedicated a special box to Ellie. With their pictures, Ellie’s drawings, the space book, Wyoming museum flyer you found in the living room and one of Joel’s jackets that you found left in his closet. It was a last minute choice you made in the morning, as well as the other one. The ultimate plan was to pack Joel's things that she deserved to have and carry them to that farmhouse. Making one last stop before leaving Jackson, for good.
You made your choice to give it a try and see what was behind those fences, again. Might have been a reckless, abrupt decision but you wanted to do it. The world out there was brutal and scary, to say the least. But you were devoted to find the bits of good left in there.
That morning, you also managed to write two letters, one for Maria and one for Dina. Tearful goodbyes were honestly the last thing you desired. Going for a stealthy departure was rather suitable choice.
Most of the boxes with Joel’s belongings were already in your living room. You put on your hoodie, grabbed the last box and ran through the snow towards Ellie’s little shed. Slipping in, you reached for the switch, your body meeting with a deadly coldness. As soon as the light took over, you had a chance to properly look around.
Felt so strange to be here. Seeing her bed not being made up since the morning she left for the farm. A pile of clothes was lying on the couch right next to succession of books. Most of her personal stuff was gone, the closet was half empty as well as the cupboards in her small kitchen corner. You approached her desk and noticed the posters hanging on the walls. Savage Starlight, the comics Joel read because of her. Bunch of trading cards left on the shelf.
You immediately took those.
The notice board above Ellie’s bed was left with a photo of Cat and few drawings. Grabbing those, you put them right next to Joel’s book. Coming back to her desk, you saw a blue robot standing on one of the shelves, right next to her lava lamp. You suggested it was something from her childhood, not thinking it would carry any more significance. But still, you decided to add that into her box, almost filling all the space left.
As you walked around her room, taking one thing after another, the bittersweet feeling of leaving settled in your body. Once you sat down at the edge of her bed, you couldn't help but reflect on everything that lead to this moment. So many good memories happened in this place, before it all went down. It felt nearly impossible to think that there used to be days when you and Ellie were lying on her bed, carefree and without a doubt in the world, just watching her favourite movies.
She had a special place in your heart, ever since you met her. She was so extraordinary, funny and overall the kind of friend not everyone is lucky enough to stumble upon, especially in such world. Sure, you loved Dina and Jesse to pieces but with Ellie — it was completely different. You never understood how quickly you happened to fall in love with her, but you did. She was your whole world.
And now she was gone.
Your best friend, the person for whom you would have travelled across the whole country. The person for whom you walked to that farm house almost every single day with a false hope in your heart. Seeing it now, it shattered your already broken heart. Not knowing where she was, whether she was still alive. That moment of darkness came upon you. Exiting the town meant leaving behind not only Joel but Ellie as well.
Being aware of the fact that you might never receive the closure you both deserved was the last thing you needed to completely lose it. Getting on your feet and running towards the bathroom, you grabbed the sink in order to prevent yourself from falling on a cold floor. Opening your eyes you saw your tears streaming down the sink. With a blurred sight you gasped for breath and squeezed the edges tighter, trying to get ahold of your balance.
You couldn’t stop crying. Your body was trapped in a madness and your last encounter was playing in your head like a jammed record, again and again. You stood there, convinced you've gone mad. More than anything in the world, you wanted to get rid of the pain. The pain that never seemed the leave your body. That sadness that was swallowing you, as you stood there, getting it out. You wanted it to end.
And then you heard her voice.
There she was.
Back in your mind again. The same night. On Ellie and Dina’s porch, you saw her a few feet away from you, looking right into your eyes. You begged her not to leave, to stay with you. With your whole heart and tears covering your red face, you almost fell on your knees. You repeated her name multiple times, each time with more pain.
But this time, the scene felt odd. Ellie wasn’t leaving.
She was walking towards you.
Each step closer and closer, until you felt her warm touch on your skin.
“Y/N…”
You couldn’t stop crying.
“Y/N…”
You barely managed to breathe as the panic attack started to take over your body. A second later, that rare image of her was gone. Mind left empty.
“Y/N!”
You heard her voice. This time outside you deluded mind.
You shook your head, convinced you’ve lost it so bad that you started hallucinating her presence.
“Y/N!”
And again.
Convulsing in pain, you refused to believe it. You shook your head again and again, almost giving yourself a vertigo before you felt a cold touch on both of your cheeks, preventing you from doing it. Scared by the convincingness of your own imagination, you opened your eyes.
Almost breaking down for the second time.
“Y/N,” a heavy sigh left her mouth while her hands stayed pressed on your red, puffy cheeks. “It’s alright, it’s alright,” she whispered, taking a step closer into your comfort zone. “It’s alright.”
You weren’t sure whether it was the weight of your feelings overwhelming you or a pure disbelief towards the idea of her actually standing in front of you that caused you to be in a absolute loss of your words. Staring into her green eyes seemed like a fever dream. Even more once you noticed that she was still there. The Ellie you loved and cared for was not gone.
“Ellie?” you gasped unbelievably, feeling your body becoming heavier every second. The realisation came upon you, followed by sob leaving your trembling lips. “Jesus Christ, Ellie.”
Given the state she found you in, she couldn't overlook your condition. A pure concern settled across her face as soon as she saw those tears rolling down your cheeks. Structuring every single detail of yours, a worry was soon replaced with love. Love and happiness she felt once she looked into your eyes.
You couldn't hold it together, now even more than before.
Especially once she wrapped her arms around your body. Didn't take a second for her to pull you closer. Let you bury your face in her shoulder and feel strong grip around your waist. As if it was a signal for you to let it all out again. To cry all your pain out because she was there to save you from falling. Your Ellie was there, in Jackson, holding your aching body.
“It’s alright,” she whispered, one hand caressing your hair. “It’s alright, I got you.”
You stood there together, in a darkened bathroom of a house she once used to call home, holding each other tightly. Tears streaming down your red cheeks as your hands found Ellie’s neck, pulling her even closer. She was alive, right here. Words you found hard to believe in. Promising you do whatever it takes to not lose her again.
Just twenty minutes later, the two of you were sitting on the edge of her bed, letting the silence to take over. Under all of those bruises on her face, there she was. Freckled cheeks, green eyes and rosy lips. With hands place on her thighs, Ellie's eyes were glancing from one thing to another. You realised this was most likely her first visit after leaving with Dina.
“I didn’t do it.”
Ellie’s voice interrupted your thoughts.
You struggled to find the right words. Although the look on your face was enough for Ellie to continue, trying to give you a full picture.
“I thought I wanted it,” she admitted. “I thought that was the only thing that would have eased my mind. And then I had her, ready to finish what she started. But I couldn’t do it. I realised I wasn’t doing it for him anymore. I thought I was doing it to find the parts of myself I had lost in the process. Without realising that I was losing more and more, without getting anything back. And I didn’t want to lose me. I didn’t want to lose all I had left of him.”
Actions did speak louder than a words. That's why you reached for Ellie's hand, intertwining your fingers with hers. Leaving her space to get it all out of her system. Letting her know you were here to listen.
"I think I can understand now why he did but even if not, I forgive him, or at least I’m trying to. I’m not going to dwell on the fact that we didn’t have much time. I know he knew what he meant for me. I know what I meant for him. And that’s enough for me. Enough to let him go. Enough to let go of the pain.”
She was a different person before she left to Santa Barbara. That Ellie would never say Joel's name out loud, let alone discuss the events that brought her here. She was heavily depressed and struggled to find a way out. That Ellie almost lost herself for good.
But that version of her was gone.
And even though she was nowhere near the end, Ellie was healing.
“I found your letter,” she mumbled and reached into her back pocket to pull out a creased piece of paper.
“How long have you been back?” you asked.
“For a few days. I wandered around Jackson, mostly. Taking up my courage.”
“Were you planning on.. you know?” you whispered. “Going back?”
Ellie shook her head, swiftly wiping away her tears.
“There’s not a place for me anymore,” she replied, sentimentality unfolding in her voice. “Maybe one day, I will come back. But for now, no. Dina and JJ deserve to have the kind of life I would never be able to provide them. And Tommy. Well it’s not like we were on a speaking terms before I left. However, he would never talk to me again if he knew what I did. Or didn’t do. But I made my peace with it. And came to say my goodbyes.”
"To whom?"
“To this house. To Joel,” she answered. “But not to you.”
A single tear rolled down your cheek.
"I know you put a lot of blame on yourself for all of the stuff that had happened," this time she was turned to you, holding both of your hands. "Jesse, Tommy, me leaving. And I need you to realise that none of it is on you, Y/N. I need you to stop living with a dark cloud over your head. The world out there is shitty enough as it is. And I know better than anyone else that you don't have to make it even harder."
You closed your eyes, trying hard to keep that sobs inside you.
“I hurt you all a lot. I put you all through hell. But what I regret the most is walking away from you that night.”
“Ellie, you know I understood why you—“
She didn’t even let you finish your sentence.
“Shut up,” she laughed, tears streaming down her face now. “You travelled to Seattle for me, just to make sure I was alright. And to give me shit about it, which you had a full right to. You never walked away from me, even if you suffered. So now I’m going to do the same. I’m not going to walk away from you, not again.”
You couldn't help but smile to yourself.
"Well, that's really convenient," you whispered, leaving Ellie puzzled over that statement.
"How so?" she wondered.
"Because I was just thinking having a little adventure. And I would surely used a companion.”
Ellie cracked a smile, nodding tearfully.
It was for first time in months that you stayed the night in Ellie's little shed. You lied there in the dark, while Ellie snuggled against you, still not having enough of your presence. And you felt the same. As you looked out of the window to check on the blizzard, you wrapped your hands around her body and let a sigh of relief slip through your lips. Didn't matter how long she was going to stay. You had her now and that was enough for you.
Her sudden arrival changed everything. Especially your desire for stealthy departure. Both of those letters you wrote the day before ended up at the bottom of a trashcan. Nothing would change, if you kept on running away from tough conversations. You knew it and so did she. That’s why you took all the time you had left and gave yourself the closures you needed.
The following day, the two of you got up early and headed together to Dina's. You knew Ellie and Dina deserved to have their conversation. You sat there in the living room, holding JJ in your arms, watching the two of them sitting by the kitchen table with Ellie’s hand holding Dina's. She owed her apology, owed her an explanation as for why she couldn’t give her what she rightfully deserved. Seeing that brought a certain feeling of sadness, knowing their chapter was closed.
Dina made her peace with everything, long before Ellie arrived. But you knew she was happy to hear the same coming from Ellie, knowing she respected all they have been through together. She smiled at you one last time as the two you disappeared in the streets, reaching your next stop.
To say that Maria was shocked to see Ellie in once piece, would have been an understatement. That woman definitely wasn’t one of the most affectionate people but the second that realisation dawned on her, she pulled Ellie into a tight hug.
By the time you started repeating what you wrote in your letter, Maria was already aware of the purpose of your visit. Nevertheless, she respected that decision.
“I can spare a horse, if you need one,” she offered.
Ellie took a quick look at you, getting a nonverbal agreement. “We would appreciate that.”
After that, the two of you headed out.
“Take care of each other, alright?” Maria whispered, tapping Ellie’s shoulder. “Our gates are all always open.”
A thankful smile slipped onto your lips.
“Listen,” Ellie mumbled and reached into her pocket. “Could you give this to Tommy?” she asked, handing a folded piece of paper to Maria.
“Sure,” she nodded, smiling one last time. “Travel safely, both of you.”
As soon as the two of you left her house, you couldn’t help but ask. “You wrote a letter for him?”
“I did,” she mumbled. “But it’s not what you’re thinking. I came for goodbye, not to give him an explanation. Even if our last encounter wasn’t the one I wished for, I always respected him. Seemed fair to let him know.”
That evening you went for two sandwiches at Seth’s while Ellie stayed at Joel’s house. You figured she would appreciate a moment alone, so you took that as an opportunity to enjoy your favourite spots in the town for one last time. You walked down the streets, noticing a flyer to another Saturday dance. You had some many great memories from those, especially the ones involving Jesse's horrible dancing skills.
It felt so strange to know that this was your last night here. It brought up a sudden wave of sentiment that even forced you to smile at Seth — something you usually didn’t do, considering how much of an asshole this man could be. You grabbed those sandwiches, seeing the pure concern on old man’s face, caused by your odd behaviour. You turned around, taking one last look around Tipsy Bison and headed out.
Deciding to take a longer way back, you walked past the stables. Another fresh memory popped up in your mind. It was the day you arrived. Tommy and Joel found you by the lodge, wandering alone and scared with a few bullets left in your pockets. It was raining heavily whole morning and you were soaking wet. Joel immediately offered you help, getting you back to the lodge where he treated the wounds on your hands and bruises on your knees. You waited for the storm to calm down before the took you to Jackson.
You remember that day so vividly, especially the feeling you had once you passed the gates. Sitting behind Joel, you couldn't quite comprehend your sudden surroundings. You couldn't believe something like this even existed. It felt so surreal.
"Kiddo!" Joel shouted as soon as he helped you off the horse. "Kiddo, come here!" he shouted again, this time waving at someone standing by the stables.
You stood there, still feeling the pain in your left arm, bitting your upper lip nervously as you didn't know what to expect.
Just a moment later, an auburn haired girl appeared right in front of you with a backpack over her shoulder. She must have been fifteen at least, year older than you.
“What’s up?” she asked, catching a sight of you.
Joel took a quick look at you, realising you're probably overwhelmed by everything. He gave you a fleeting smile, mostly to calm you down.
"It's okay. This is Ellie," he pointed out that girl.
Ellie politely smiled. “Hey.”
“I need you to take Y/N here to infirmary, alright?” he ordered. “Y/N is your name, ain’t it?”
“Yeah, it is,” you nodded. “And you’re Joel, right?”
“Right,” he smiled. “Now go. Ellie will help you, I’m going to talk to Maria…”
Ellie waked you to the infirmary and stayed throughout your whole check up until Maria and Tommy arrived to properly welcome you here and make sure that you would have everything you needed. The two of you didn't do much of talking but her presence felt nice. The next morning, she surprised you with a breakfast in her backpack. Learning from Joel that you have been travelling on your own for months, she understand that sense of loneliness you were struggling with. Maybe that was what drew her to you. Maybe that was what brought the two of you together.
An hour later, you got back to Joel's.
“Fuck! Finally! I was starving!” Ellie shouted as soon as she heard the door slap. She jumped off the couch and ran to you.
Taking one of the sandwiches, she noticed that peculiar smile on had on. “What’s going on?”
You shook your head, smiling even more. “Nothing.”
There she was, five years later.
You sat down together in living room, getting a small reminder of those dinners you shared with Joel. This was your last night in Jackson and that sentimentality wasn’t leaving any time soon.
“What is it?” Ellie’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts.
Before you knew it, she was bending over for a box lying next to the fireplace, with her name written on top.
“Oh, it’s a bunch of stuff I collected around the house. Figured you should have it.”
She put it on the table and ripped off the duck tape with her switchblade. With a bated breath, she looked inside, seeing all of her photos and drawings.
“You know for someone so quiet and tough, he was quite a sentimental man,” you uttered, standing up from the couch and following her.
“Yeah,” she laughed, browsing through his belongings. “Uh, I remember this! This was my favourite. It’s a flyer from—“
“Wyoming museum, I know,” you smiled. “Will you take it with you?”
She shook her head. “Probably not. All of this is a nice reminder of a person he used to represent and I’m glad you put it all together. But I don’t need that flyer to keep him in my mind. I have all those memories for that. Besides, it gives a good reason for visit, maybe one day, don't you think? To go back here and reminisce.”
“Well, how about this?” you handed her a picture of her and Joel.
“Gotta make an exception for that one,” she accepted it. “Do you realise you just ruined my whole speech?”
“Sorry,” you couldn’t help but laugh. “I’ll take the first watch on the road, to make it up to you. Is that alright?”
“That’ll do it.”
The day of your departure turned out to be much sadder, rather than hard. Leaving was never easy, especially from a place that was tied to so many memories. But at the end of the day, this was what you wanted. What you needed. Going out there was never easy but having Ellie by your side made it less of scary experience for your worried mind.
Early in the morning, she got up and went for a walk while you finished packing your stuff. You figured one backpack was more practical so you tried to make it as light as possible. The two of you didn’t have any proper goal nor location you would be headed towards which somehow made this whole journey even more exciting, overpowering the fear. There was a whole world out there waiting for you to find your place in it. With Ellie, whose steps led her to cemetery.
With flowers in her hand, she made two stops to say her goodbyes. Although you buried Jesse's body back in Seattle, Maria decided to give him his place of his own, out of respect. He contributed to Jackson’s community a lot. Just like Joel.
Majority of your belongings were staying in your house. You packed what was necessary, including your old camera and Ellie’s favourite card game. You eventually decided to take Joel’s book, dedicated to finish what he couldn’t. There was nothing left for you to do. Your job was finished, Joel’s house was all packed up.
You walked down the stairs, stopping in the middle of the staircase. You looked around, trying to capture those last moments in your mind. It was terrifying in some ways — leaving it all behind. But you remember Ellie's words from last night. She didn't need to bring a box in order to keep a memory of him. He was more than a bunch of photos and drawings.
“Hey, Y/N?” Ellie’s voice echoed around the empty house.
You snapped out of your thoughts, rushing towards the hallway.
“There you are,” she smiled, putting a backpack over her shoulder.
“Sorry, I was—“
“Reminiscing?” she grinned.
You cracked a laugh, reaching down for your backpack as well, putting your pistol into thigh holster.
“Maria’s horse is waiting for us by the east gate,” she said. “I suggest we should head north, probably taking it through the woods to avoid the main road. Maria mentioned an old lookout that's supposed to be that way. We can take shelter there in case the weather gets worse…"
Her voice disappeared in the background as she walked out of the house. You stayed there, one hand placed on the door handle. You looked around, grabbing every last detail with you. You’ve made your peace with everything and everyone. There was just one last goodbye remaining. The hardest one to take.
“Y/N?” Ellie’s concerned voice forced you to turn around and see her, walking up to you. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” you mumbled, “everything’s okay.”
With that, you closed the door for one last time. You placed the key on the table right next to his old rocking chair while Ellie waited for you by the stairs. As soon as your eyes met again, she couldn’t help but ask, for her own sake as much as yours.
“Are you ready?”
Without uttering a word, you turned around again, this time reaching for the switch to finally turn off the light, once and for all.
An odd feelings of sadness ran through your body as soon as the light went off. Goodbyes were bittersweet. But leaving what you knew behind was necessary in order to give yourself the taste of something new. Goodbyes were all you needed to move on — to heal, to let go. And that's what you did. You let go. You let go of your imaginary idea of Joel sitting out here with his six string. You didn’t need that or the house to keep a memory of him. You didn’t need his porch light anymore. You were going to find your own.
With Ellie by your side.
In an unpredictable world the two of you were living, tomorrow was never guaranteed. And even if your paths would divide one day, you would always have her, preciously kept in your mind. That memory of the two of you, sitting in her old room, having the conversation you were desperately searching for. You found it. And you found her. Now you needed to find your home.
There was voice in the back of your mind, that kept repeating the same question: was it the right choice to head out there and face the darkest fears?
One look into her curious green eyes assured you more than any other speech of hers.
“Yeah, I'm ready.”