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Cindy extended the end of a dark, purple gloss and glided it over her friend's lips. She hasn't noticed the way they were looking down at her in a lovestruck haze. Out of instinct, they puckered their lips slightly as if to suggest a kiss. A tiny smile spread across Cindy's round face, lifting the lipstick away from Roxana's lips. She lifted her hand, her slender fingertips were inches away from touching the plump lips. "Do I look okay, Cindy? I don't think purple is really my color." Roxana muttered, looking away from Cindy's pitiful gaze. It was far too embarrassing to dramatize such a small thing, such a small problem for no drastic reason.
"Well, purple is such a beautiful color and what's more perfect than a beautiful girl wearing such a beautiful color?" Cindy rhetorically asked Roxana, reaching out to fix their whale-sprout hairdo that was being supported by a mint green scrunchie. "It just makes sense, you know?" Roxana nodded, dark cherry red blush blossoming onto her sepia, reddish brown, cheeks. A slight smile appeared on her face, gaining enough confidence to glance at Cindy who was smiling back at her.
"Thank you, Cindy. You also look beautiful. I think pink is your color."
Cindy's smile grew wider, showing off her braces that were a light pink. She got off Roxana's bed that was covered with a dark green duvet, she twirled around to show off her outfit. She wore a jet black leather jacket that had bright pink fur on the cuffs and collar. "Feel how soft the fur is! It's not real by the way." She giggled, lifting her arm as an invitation for Roxana to feel. They placed their hand onto the fur, running delicate fingers across it. The fur had the coziness of memories of her and Cindy sitting near her fireplace as she admired how gentle Cindy was with petting her normally shy yet loyal husky. "It reminds me of how soft Soledad's fur was." Roxana whispered, memories of when she first adopted Soledad flooded her mind and it made her eyes water up but no tears stained her cheeks.
"We never really found Soledad.. I miss her too Roxy. Maybe we'll go out and find her again when we get to the train."
"..Okay. That's okay with me, Cindy."
"Okay, Roxy." Cindy's smile lifted Roxana's gloomy clouds, making her fall in love with her all over again. That beautiful smile is what Roxana's love for her fuels from. Her lovestruck thoughts were suddenly cut off by Cindy, "we should get going, Roxanne. Your mom might be waking up because of the lights."
"Oh, right! Sorry." Roxana said a little too loud, her cheeks flushed and she looked away bashfully as she got up from her bed. She played with her fingers, a habit that she developed when noticing how much Bulan would fidget with almost everything and it has now been associated with her anxiety or embarrassment ever since. "It's okay, Roxana!" Cindy soothed, grabbing a hold of Roxana's hand before dashing out of the girl's room and silently crept outside of the now silent home. The freezing air hit Roxana's lanky legs, she regretted ever wearing her favorite lavender skirt in the middle of November. All that protected her legs was monarch butterfly stockings. It was utterly useless for keeping her warm.
"Are you cold, Roxanne? I can lend you my jacket."
"No, you don't have to. You're only wearing a tank top, I don't want you to freeze!"
"Are you sure? It's really not that cold for me. You need my jacket more than I do." Cindy tried to convince her, which ended up working with a silent "okay" from Roxana. She slipped into the jacket, smiling internally to herself as her hands hid away into the sleeves and rubbed the soft fabric in between her slender fingers. Roxana couldn't get enough of the fabric, it was not too rough and not too soft but it was just the perfect fabric for keeping her warm for the Autumn weather. "Roxy.. We've been standing here for quite a while now.." Cindy said, breaking the awkward silence that was secretly strangling her to hell and back. Roxana made a little 'o' with her round lips, her cheeks growing warm with embarrassment. "Are you stalling now?"
"Maybe.. I never really snuck out before. You still don't want to go on a.. bus?"
"Nope. If we're going rogue then we're doing it right. I'll wait for you at the tree over there. It's okay if you change your mind, just tell me if you do." Cindy nudged Roxana before walking away from the house and into the silent neighborhood. Roxana only watched, letting her mind wander into an anxiety filled pit. She turned her head to face her house that never felt like a home. She could hardly bear to look at it, the bad memories have taken over her happy memories of the little lavender painted house. The arguments that took place in the living room pained her and left a sour taste in her mouth. Let her mom search for her. It wouldn't change the past. Let the house burn to ashes. It wouldn't fix anything. With that, she sprinted into the neighborhood as the cold air caressed her face with its gentle hands. The houses of the kids she used to play with became a blur once she started to pick up the pace. Her eyes started to water a bit as the air became colder, the once gentle breeze became rough and it stung her eyes. She's so close to the tree, she can see Cindy's silhouette. With a few more steps, she halted to a stop and looked down at Cindy. They locked eyes for a second before giggling like elementary school students.
"We don't have much time before the train leaves!" Cindy exclaimed, grabbing a hold of Roxana's hand and darting off towards the forest. Roxana yelped, almost tripping on her own two feet before running alongside her. She didn't care about her mother searching for her. All she cared about during the moment was that she could escape from the one thing made her isolated and hopeless.
Roxana needed to escape from the house that once felt like home.
////
She didn't know how many hours it has been since Cindy and her jumped into the train wagon. Roxana has been fixated on the rolling hills and mountainside outside. Lush forest trees covered the landscape with a flourish of warm colors. Sunset orange, apple red and daisy yellow swirled together as the wind ruffled the leaves. She could barely hear the noises that the wheels and the rail generate. Roxana sighed with content at the moon's placement, it was perfect for the light posts to compliment the beauty of the trees and fallen leaves. She snapped out of the trance once she felt Cindy brush her hand on her shoulder. Roxana jumped a little, swiftly turning to face the blonde.
"Sorry didn't mean to scare you, Roxy."
"It's okay. Do you know where this thing goes?"
Interestingly enough, Cindy never actually thought enough about where the train led to. "North? Maybe we'll end up in Wyoming." She said nonchalantly. She glanced up at Roxana, trying to see if she displayed any anxiety or nervousness on her oval face. "Maybe that'll be far away enough from home." Roxana watched her legs swing back and forth off the train floor. "You never know how far away you'll need to escape from evil mothers." Roxana joked, a small smile spreading across her face. Suddenly, she felt something lay against her shoulder. She looked to her side, seeing that Cindy was the one laying her head on her shoulder. Her deep ocean blue eyes were fixed onto the dark, night sky that had stars glistening in it.
"That's true." Cindy giggled a bit before sighing. "I've always loved stars, Roxanne. They remind us that not everything in this world is ugly. There's so much beauty outside of earth, which we almost never see-"
"Because we are distracted from what is Infront of us?"
"Exactly. But, the stars we are seeing right now have already been dead for millions of years. They're all... Lies."
"Well, who cares if the stars are dead? If we see them, that means they are real. They are real to us." She told Cindy, laying her head on top of hers. They both watched the stars dance and twinkle in the sky. "If we keep believing in them that means that they will continue to be real to us." She whispered. "I guess you're right, Roxana. Who cares if the stars are dead." Cindy said, a sparkling smile spreading across her face. Roxana's cheeks grew warm once she caught a glimpse of her smile. It was the most beautiful, most gorgeous smile she ever laid her eyes on. She wouldn't trade anything in the world to make the happiness of her best friend fade away.
Roxana always adored Cindy's beauty. She only hoped that Cindy will feel the same way she feels. "Cindy?" Her heart is pounding, she doesn't want to take away any of Cindy's happiness but the temptations of wanting to know if she ever likes her the same is getting worse.
"Yeah?"
Her throat feels as if it's closing in on her, but she swallows harshly. Roxana continues to stare down the sky, terrified to look at her best friend since childhood. She'll regret this for all of her life if Cindy becomes upset with her for ever perceiving their friendship as something more. She wouldn't know how to live with herself if Cindy lies to everyone that Roxana isn't a girl and only an insecure boy who dresses up as a girl to make himself feel like he is worth something greater than being someone's son. Tears are threatening to roll down her cheeks and it's getting harder to speak up. She couldn't take it anymore, she couldn't hide how she felt for another four years.
"You.. remember the first time.. I told you that I wanted to be called.. Roxana." She said, trying her best to hide the sound of her voice breaking.
"Yeah, I remember. Why are you asking?"
"Because.. Because I wanted.. to tell you something," Roxana started, her voice is becoming scratchy and hoarse as tears streamed down her cheeks. "I wanted to tell you something just as important. But I'm.. I'm scared. So. Fucking. Scared." Silent sobs break out as she lifted her head off of Cindy's. She feels like she was twelve years old again, sobbing violently in her cousin's purple floral dress as her mother started to scream out that there is no place for her to stay if she wanted to be a woman instead of a man. The memory hits her just as hard as her mother's slaps across her cherry red cheeks. All she could hear is her mother's voice, screaming at her and calling her a failure. She felt Cindy embrace her, stroking her hair. But she couldn't focus on her voice. No matter how hard she tried to ground herself. Roxana grasped onto her tank top, burying her face into her shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Cindy! I'm sorry." She sobbed, her tears staining the pink fabric.
"It's okay, Roxy.. It's okay. Deep breaths. You got this, Roxanne."
Roxana shook her head, she didn't need to forgive her. She didn't. Cindy should know that she's not worth it, she's not worth the kind words. After all, she shouldn't be loving a girl. She shouldn't have thought of their friendship as something more. "I shouldn't be feeling like this, Cindy.. you shouldn't be forgiving me.." Roxana murmured as she sniffled, taking shaky deep breaths. Cindy only sighed and rubbed her back. "Is it about your mom, Roxy? I always see you as a girl." She comforted her. Hot tears continued to stream down her face, and she closed her eyelids shut in hope her tears stopped. She continued to listen to Cindy's calm, soothing voice. She could only focus on Cindy and nothing else.
"It.. it isn't that.." Roxana's voice was quiet, broken. Her throat was hoarse from sobbing for so long that it felt like forever. "I.. I want our friendship.. to be something more.." She confessed, loud enough for Cindy to hear. She mentally prepared to be pushed away or to be yelled at. This was it. This was the night that their friendship have officially ended. The ending to every memory they have made together. Roxana's shoulders shook, for one last whimper to be let out. Cindy's breath hitched, she could tell that her eyes were wide. "Oh.. Oh, Roxy.." She squeezed her eyes shut, weakening her grasp on Cindy's tank top. She was trembling. But her body stayed unmoving. Her legs became paralyzed at this point. She needed to get away from Cindy, she didn't want to feel her push away. She didn't want to feel Cindy's soft, gentle hands on her body. It would only hurt her more. How could she ever find love through her best friend? It was useless. Roxana shouldn't want something that was unreachable.
"I feel the same way, Roxana. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You shouldn't care about other people's expectations. I love you, Roxy. You are the most beautiful, amazing, and kind-hearted friend I ever made. I'm so glad that you're in my life." Cindy admitted, pulling away from Roxana. She saw the enchanting smile on her face again, her cheeks were dusted with a rose color that made her freckles pop out. The ambience sounds around her became silent as if they are watching a new form of love happen. "R.. Really?"
"Really, really." Cindy reassured. She grabbed ahold of her hands, lifting her head up and leaning closer to Roxana's slender body. Her heart was rapidly beating, ready to burst out of her chest at any given moment. "I love you, Cindy." Roxana whispered under her breath, giving her a soft smile. She rubbed her thumbs across Cindy's knuckles to attempt to calm down her anxiety. Her feathery and hot lips rested upon Roxana's cold ones. It felt like a miracle. She's amazed that her now girlfriend's lips feel incredibly soft and warm, even though they don't look that way. Roxana experiences real peace, the whole world seemed to stop at this very moment to give her a moment to finally enjoy something for a whole eternity. The kiss became more comfortable, more fast-paced and Roxana's body is starting to melt like a marshmallow being hovered over a bonfire.