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Shadow was no stranger to pain. It lingered in your nightmares and daydreams, creeping up on you when you least expected it. It stayed branded in your memory until death, always ready to haunt you. When there was nothing, there was pain.
He still had dreams about falling. He would wake up gasping for breath as he plunged to the Earth, the taste of her name still on his lips. After years, he finally accepted that it was a part of life, and learned to deal with it, but for a while, he had cursed at himself for having these reactions. He had thought the lingering pain made him weak. But slowly, the anger towards it dwindled.
In those first few months, he had busied himself to keep the fear away. It had been easy at first, especially with Dr. Robotnik’s scheme and then the Black Arms, but over time, he had resorted to other methods of distraction—some more healthy than others. He thought if he kept moving, if he did everything he could to keep himself from being still with his mind, he could avoid the pain. But of course, it had caught up eventually.
He saw that same restlessness in Sonic.
The war had ended. Eggman was gone for now. People were celebrating and rebuilding. And Sonic was desperate to help. The hero had always wanted to help, but this was different. This was urgent. Shadow saw the same look in Sonic’s eyes that he’d seen in himself all those years ago. Sonic, as usual, was running—but he couldn’t outrun his own mind. Shadow knew that better than anyone.
The world had been so desperate once Sonic had returned that no one bothered to really check on him, and of course, the hero himself hadn’t let anyone get close. “We don’t have time to worry about me,” he’d said over and over, and then he’d winked and sped off to the next mission. Now that it was over, he still refused to talk about himself. He still flinched when someone brushed against him. Tails and Amy had tried so hard to help, but Sonic was the most stubborn person any of them knew. And so the runner kept running, and the pain kept chasing.
Now it was Sonic’s twenty-first birthday. The Restoration had thrown him a party, and it seemed like the entire world showed up. Even Shadow came to at least pay some respect. Crowds and social gatherings had never been his forte, so he stuck to the wall and only spoke when someone acknowledged him first. It was where he felt the most comfortable. It let him survey the room for threats—an old habit. Usually, in gatherings such as these, this habit didn’t yield anything, but this time, he caught sight of the hero quietly excuse himself and slip out into the night.
Shadow and Sonic were not friends. They were allies with a mutual respect for each other, but they had never bonded like friends had. So Shadow waited for someone else to follow the blue hedgehog out, but no one did. His other friends were occupied, chatting with others or getting food from the catering table. If they had noticed him leave, they hadn’t noticed the pain in his eyes. So despite the discomfort settling in his chest, Shadow stood from where he was leaning against the wall and made his way through the crowd of guests to the door.
Sonic was not in his line of sight from the door, but that wasn’t surprising. If Shadow’s suspicions were true, Sonic wouldn’t want anyone to see him. Shadow took his time pacing the perimeter of the Restoration HQ, keeping his eyes on the horizon to hopefully catch a glimpse of him. After he’d rounded the building and seen nothing, he determined Sonic must have gone for a run to clear his thoughts, and so he turned to head back inside before Rouge could scold him for being anti-social.
A soft sigh hit his ears—no one except maybe his partner could have heard it—and he tilted his head to the sky. There, on top of the roof nearly hidden from sight, was their absent friend. He was sitting with his back to him, his knees against his chest and his chin resting on his arms. Shadow tipped his head slightly, and then warped to the roof, as far away from Sonic as possible to keep from startling him.
“Go away, Shadow. I’m not in the mood.”
The pain was obvious in his voice.
The striped hedgehog cringed slightly. “You need help,” he said, and Sonic’s quills bristled. He hadn’t meant to be so blunt, but perhaps that was what he needed.
“I don’t need help. Go away.”
Instead, Shadow slowly approached him and sat down beside him, keeping his eyes forward. He didn’t speak, and neither did Sonic.
Neither of them moved for a long time. The wind brought with it a slight chill and the scent of rain, and the moon was full—as full as it could be with a chunk missing from its side. Shadow didn’t like looking at the moon and the reminders of his pain, but tonight it was oddly comforting. The world seemed so quiet, but if he closed his eyes and really listened, he could hear the sound of the leaves and grass rustling. Some kind of flicky chirped somewhere to his right. Sonic’s breathing grew shaky.
“What are you doing here, Shadow?” he asked softly.
Shadow opened his eyes, but didn’t look at him. “I don’t know,” he said truthfully. “We are not friends; not in the same way as you are with the others. But…I can see something in you that I’m not sure they can.”
“Cut it with the cryptic shit. What are you doing here?”
There was hostility now, and Shadow’s ears perked instinctively in alarm. Sonic never used profanity. This was far worse than he’d originally thought. “You need help,” he said again. “Don’t try to deny it. You can’t run from this forever.”
“So, what, you’re gonna help me?” Sonic actually laughed, but Shadow could hear the lump in his throat. “I just needed a breather. I’m fine.”
“Sonic.” He finally turned to look right at him, though the hero refused to meet his eyes. “Something happened to you. Something aboard the Death Egg. It changed you.”
“Nothing happened,” Sonic insisted, but his voice shook more with every word. “They just kept me locked up. Nothing else. Eggman didn’t even show his ugly mug until the last day.” He tried to laugh again, but it didn’t come out.
His hand crept up to the back of his neck, where Shadow knew a set of scars hid beneath his fur, and Shadow sighed through his nose. The pain was so obvious . But Sonic, as stubborn as ever, absolutely refused to acknowledge it. For a moment, he wanted to argue and demand he listen, but getting upset would get them nowhere. Finally, he looked back at the moon.
“I still dream of falling,” he said suddenly.
He heard Sonic take a quick inhale, no doubt to counter an argument that hadn’t come, and then he paused and glanced at him. “From the ARK?” he asked with a timidness Shadow had never heard from him before.
He nodded slightly. “Hurling through empty space, reaching for someone—sometimes it’s you, sometimes it’s one of your friends or my teammates, sometimes it’s a rival or one of Eggman’s robots. And sometimes it’s…my sister. Maria. And as I fall, I watch them shoot her, over and over and over again.”
Sonic was quiet for a long minute. “If you still…then how can I possibly…” He pressed his palms into his eyes and dug his fingers into his quills. “No. It doesn’t matter. I’ll get over it. I’m Sonic the Hedgehog, damn it! I don’t—I’m not supposed to…oh, Chaos…” And then he was crying into his hands, still curled up, his ears and quills drooping. The world's greatest hero, a beacon of hope that stood tall for everyone, had never looked so small before.
Shadow was not good with emotions. He was the last person people went to for comfort. Empathy was difficult. But he knew now that he had to do something. He couldn’t just leave him here after breaking him open like this.
Rouge had comforted him a few times, now that he'd started to open up. What did she do? She usually didn't say anything. She would bring him a cup of tea or coffee, sit with him for a bit, and then leave him alone. It worked for him, but would it work for Sonic? Did he want silence, or did he need words?
Amy comforted people all the time. Despite being a fearsome fighter, she took the time to help people. What would she do? She would shower the person with love and affirmation, usually accompanied by some sort of physical reassurance. Shadow could never bring himself to do something like that.
Why were emotions so difficult to understand?
"I…apologize," he finally muttered. "It wasn't my intention to make you upset." Slowly, hesitantly, he put his hand on his shoulder. Sonic didn't even flinch. In fact, Shadow swore he leaned into the touch.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Sonic sobbed. "I'm not—I didn't—I shouldn't be…"
"Holding it in only makes it worse," Shadow said. "Your pain does not make you weak." He paused, watching the hero cower against his hand. "Whatever it was, it wasn't your fault."
"It was my fault," Sonic wailed. "If I had just been stronger—faster—none of this would have happened. The world would have been safe. Those people they hurt would have been okay. That kid…" His voice grew very soft and his quills bristled again. " Chaos , there was so much blood," he whispered. "It just kept coming and he just kept gasping and I couldn't do anything ."
Shadow knew that feeling of helplessness. It was the worst feeling in the world.
"They told me they would kill him if I didn't get to him in time." Sonic's sobbing had calmed, though his shoulders still shook and tears poured down his face. "And I couldn't. The fastest thing alive couldn't get there fast enough. I can see his eyes at night. He was just a kid. He didn't…he put his faith in me, and I failed him. I failed everyone."
Shadow hummed softly when Sonic didn't continue. "I felt the same way about Maria," he said. "I could have saved her. I should have been able to. But I couldn't. The ultimate lifeform, created specifically to help her, couldn't save her. I carried that guilt for a long time, and then I slowly realized…" He looked back up at the moon. "You did the best you could at the time. Maybe you could have saved him. But you were not the one to put his life in danger in the first place. It was not your fault that that bastard killed him. That guilt rests solely on Infinite. The blame for Maria's death rests solely on those who killed her. Not Gerald, not me. Not the world."
"But I—"
"You were put in an impossible situation. Everyone knows that. No one blames you for what happened. You need to stop blaming yourself, too. It's going to take a while, but you will be so much better off when you do."
Sonic stood abruptly, clenching his fists and glaring right at him. "Why do you suddenly care?" he shouted. "Is this some sort of redemption thing to make you feel better?"
Anger boiled in Shadow's chest, and he climbed to his feet as well. He was just trying to help. How dare he accuse him of using him like that?
"You've never cared about me before!" Sonic continued, absolutely furious. "Why are you so adamant about it now?"
"Because I can't watch you turn out like me!" he roared, his anger exploding out of him like a burst of chaos energy.
Sonic took a step back. "What?" he whispered.
"I can't watch you throw your life away like I did." Shadow found himself begging for him to listen, though his voice was loud and rough. "People need you, Sonic. Just like you need them. People love you and care about you. You have so much to lose. Don't let yourself end up like me."
The hero just stared at him, his eyes still full of tears. "Shadow…"
"I don't want you to hurt any more than you have to," he said, softer this time, but still as firm as possible. "The pain and the memories…they're not going to go away. But you don't have to hold on to them. You need help. "
It was quiet for a long moment. And the blue idiot started laughing.
"There's—there's the Shadow I know," he said through tear-filled chuckles. "All that mushy stuff was freaking me out."
Shadow scowled. "This is serious."
"I know, I know." He rubbed his arm over his eyes and sniffed, but he was smiling a little. "Sorry. I didn't mean…" He took a deep breath and looked up at the remaining half of the moon. "Thanks, Shadow."
"Your thanks will mean nothing if you don't do something about it."
"Yeah, yeah, I got it." He glanced at the hedgehog beside him and sighed. "I'll…I'll talk to Amy. She'll be able to help me find someone. I just…it's hard admitting it. It's hard admitting that I'm not strong enough."
"Your pain does not make you weak," Shadow repeated. "I am not weak, and neither are you."
Sonic let out a sort of strained laugh. "Yeah, okay. I'll try to remember that." He rubbed his neck again, his torn ear flicking as the door opened below them. Shadow raised an eyebrow at him, and the hero snorted. "Pretty lame birthday, huh?"
"Sonic?" Amy called.
"You don't have to tell her now," Shadow said softly, "but if you don't tell her eventually, I'll kick your ass, got it?"
He cracked a smile. "Got it. Thanks again, Shads." Without waiting for an answer, he leapt off the roof to meet Amy.
"Where were you?" Shadow heard her ask. "We were worried!"
"Just needed a breather, Ames." Sonic looked back up to the roof and winked, then turned back to her. "Let's enjoy the rest of my party, yeah?"
They walked back in together, hand in hand, and Shadow let himself smile.
"Happy birthday, Faker."