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“…So, she just left you there?”
The kabukimono nodded, swallowing his tears. The golden feather was practically glowing under the flickering light from furnace fire.
Seeing this, the older man clicked his tongue, but not because he was irritated, but conflicted. In the end, he said:
“If you want to cry, do it.”
“…You won’t throw me away if I do?”
The Inspector scoffed. “I don’t have the permission to toss the golden boy that is you away. At the very least, Sir Niwa and Katsuragi won’t allow it.”
Kabukimono blinked his tear-filled eyes, felt a tiny bit more relieved.
The older man stared at Kabukimono, and for reasons that are unknown to himself, he muttered:
“And even if I have the authority to, I wouldn’t do something like that.”
“Really?”
Perhaps annoyed at both himself for blurting out something like that and at Kabukimono for accidentally heard it, the Inspector frown. Still, he assured the younger one.
“Really.”
Kabukimono was confused. Initially, he thought because he was missing a heart, because he was “neither man nor mechanism” so he couldn’t comprehend the man sitting beside him. Not until he recalled the fact that except for Katsuragi, no one else could understand Inspector Nagamasa either that the anxiety ceased.
“Nagamasa, do you have a mother?”
“What?”
Kabukimono already had his arms up, preparing to block a potential attack from the other man. Seeing this, Inspector Nagamasa simply glared. He, though looking more upset upon hearing question, didn’t have any intention to hit Kabukimono.
“I…asked that because I want to know what other people’s mothers are like…and if they are like mine…”
“Yours?”
“The Raiden Shogun. My life originated from her, right? So, she must be my mother.”
Mikoshi Nagamasa stared at the young boy in front of him, trying to process what he just said. After a few moments, he characteristically scoffed again:
“What a narrow way of thinking about motherhood.”
“Is…is that so?”
Kabukimono looked away, half embarrassed, half apologetic. His hands subconsciously held on tighter to the golden feather hanging from his neck.
“But not completely wrong.” Nagamasa shut his eyes, believing he would think more clearly this way. “Very well, if you want to know, I can tell you that I supposedly have two mothers. One that I know nothing about, and one that people prefer that I know nothing about.”
Kabukimono was still afraid, but Nagamasa’s words piqued his curiosity so much that he almost forgot his fear. This was the most unusual answer that he heard, after all.
“Can you tell me about the first one…?”
“How can I tell you about someone I know nothing about?” Nagamasa said, sullen.
“The second one then.” Kabukimono nervously corrected his mistake.
Inspector stayed silent for a while. He seems to be deep in thoughts.
“Keep this a secret, but…She is very kind.”
The ignorant Kabukimono was disappointed, because this is the fifth time that he had heard this description that day. Mikoshi Nagamasa took a peek at the younger one’s expression, guessed what the small Kabukimono was thinking and felt a bit amused.
“…And I still love Her.”
Kabukimono nodded along, but he was seriously getting bored. It seems to him that someone who is as peculiar as Inspector Nagamasa had a normal mother after all.
“Right, and She was your mother’s friend.” Nagamasa struggled to hide the smirk as that sentence escaped his mouth.
That was enough to recapture Kabukimono’s attention. His wide opened eyes now glimmered with hopes. Even the cruel Inspector Nagamasa had to feel a bit guilty seeing that genuine excited expression.
“I don’t know much about their friendship. Sorry.”
Unexpectedly, Kabukimono kept his enthusiastic expression.
“But if my mother is friend with someone kind, surely she is also kind!”
“What kind of logic is that?”
Nagamasa’s question put a damper on Kabukimono’s mood. A frown immediately replaced the beaming smile on his face.
“Right, Katsuragi is friend with Nagamasa, but Nagamasa isn’t kind at all, while Katsuragi is…” The small boy accidentally thought out loud.
“…The relationship between Katsuragi and I are strictly professional. He and I are not friends.” Nagamasa said, not really objecting the focus of Kabukimono’s comment.
“Besides, Nagamasa, would a kind person abandon their child because he cried in his sleep?”
“…I don’t know. Maybe she has her reasons…” The Inspector bit his lip, hesitated.
“Would your mother abandon you if you cried in your sleep?”
“She wouldn’t.” Nagamasa shook his head, finally realising that he too, felt sorry for Kabukimono. “In fact, when I was but an infant, She would patiently wait for me to cry, then comfort me. At least, that is what I have been told.”
“Is that so?” Kabukimono asked; salty tears wet his face. He felt something. Envy. This was envy.
“Tears…are normal. They are simply reactions to distress, fear, or simply discomforts, and maybe even joy. You weren’t at fault for crying.” The old Inspector mumbled, clumsily organised his words. “So, even when you grow up and go somewhere far away, don’t ever forget how to cry.”
“Aren’t you…in distress too?” Kabukimono asked, still sobbing. “Why do you never cry?”
“Me…in distress?” Nagamasa was taken aback but didn’t deny anything. “I…I guess…I’m still relearning how to cry…again.”
Nagamasa reminisced about the bygone years. When the Guuji of Grand Narukami Shrine herself would come by just to talk to his mother. Their conversations were about great many things: his mother’s past triumphs in battles, Lady Saiguu’s past antics/exploits, the divine dance that they would never be able to perform again…they spoke about him, too.
If Lady Saiguu’s words were anything to go by, then, Nagamasa caused his mother a lot of headaches when he was still a baby. He was only a few months old when he first arrived home; yet, unlike most other few-months-old, he never cried. Noticing his abnormality, Nagamasa’s mother consulted the wise Kitsune Saiguu. And, together, they concluded that this child wouldn’t cry because as young as he was, he already learned that no one would answer to him if he did.
The next few months would be exhausting for Lady Mikoshi. Not only did she had to care for her older child, who was only two years old then, but she also had to care for the new baby in a very meticulous way…to answer to his every little movement and every little noise. Those simply weren’t something she could allow to leave to her servants.
And eventually, eventually, that child learned how to cry again.
“But it was such a waste though.” The child, now 25 years old, thought as he gazed upon his vandalised home. “Because after all that effort, I have forgotten how to cry again.”
He blinked his dried golden eyes in surprise when he heard a soft sob from the throat of his retainer.
*
“Um…Nagamasa?” The little Kabukimono called the older man.
“What?” The Inspector replied with the characteristically annoyance.
“About the other day…when I asked you about your mother…I should have been more attentive.” Kabukimono mumbled in an apologetic tone, lowering his head. “She must be very important to you…”
Nagamasa was confused with the sudden comment but figured out the reasons almost immediately.
“Ahh, someone must have told you about Her.”
“Katsuragi didn’t tell me anything!” Kabukimono frantically shook his head. If he had a heart, its beating would probably be loud enough for the Inspector in front of him to hear it.
“Katsuragi it is, then.” The old Inspector sighed. “He made few too many slip-of-the-tongues these days.”
“He…he didn’t tell me anything!” Kabukimono shook his head harder; it seems like he was about to cry.
“Don’t worry. I won’t be angry with him about this.” The Inspector shrugged. “It’s not a secret anyways. You can literally go to Inazuma City, or just around Tatarasuna and ask any random person. Though, depends on who you ask, the story would be different.”
“Then…” Kabukimono, with his curious wide eyes, moved closer to the older man “which one is the correct version?”
“The one that you choose to believe.” Nagamasa answered – so bitter that he can practically felt it in his tongue.
“No, because what if I choose the wrong one to believe? There is only one truth, right?”
Hearing Kabukimono’s innocent question, Nagamasa couldn’t help but laugh out loud.
“Wonderful. By asking about the correct version, you have proven to me that you cared about justice more than the entire court that condemned my mother.”
Sensing the sourness in Nagamasa’s words, Kabukimono stayed quiet for a bit, but not for long.
“So…what is the correct version of this story?”
“Why would you ask me that question if you want the truth?” The Inspector scoffed. “You already know I still love her. Whatever come out of my mouth about Her would at best – blinded by my own affections, and at worst – lies that would be used to manipulate you into sympathising for a traitor.”
“But…if she is indeed a traitor, why do you still love her?”
Nagamasa stared at the clueless Kabukimono for a second and sneered. “Perhaps because I am an evil, devious traitor too.”
“But you aren’t. Katsuragi said you aren’t.”
Nagamasa was about to say: Katsuragi might be a traitor too, but in the end, he decided against that. He needed not cause Kabukimono distrusts in one of his closest friends.
The old Inspector thought about Kabukimono’s question - Why do you still love her? What kind of question is that?
In the end, he answered:
“I have a moral obligation to love her.”
“Moral…obligation?”
“Yes.” Nagamasa nodded. “All children have a moral obligation to love their parents. Because children owe their lives to their parents.”
“Then…” Kabukimono furrowed his brows “do I have a moral obligation to love my mother too, although she casted me aside like worthless dross? Does Mitsuki, whose mother used to hit him every day, have a moral obligation to love his mother too? And you, do you have a moral obligation to love your first mother, whom you know nothing about?”
“That…” Mikoshi Nagamasa stuttered. Only then he realised he didn’t think this through. “I don’t know.”
“Oh.” Kabukimono sighed dissatisfiedly. He wanted not to challenge the older man; he just wanted answers.
“…I guess it is just very difficult not to love someone who answered to my every need.”
.
.
.
“As for your other question, Kabukimono, I can’t give you a definite answer, but don’t ever come near the Abyss.”