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I’m shaking.
My mother is telling me about how much studying I should be doing for finals and entrance exams and I can’t stop my hands from shaking.
Why am I doing this?
I don’t want to do this.
This isn’t what I want.
This is what she thinks I want- no, it’s what she wants.
She wants a successful kid in the medical field, just like her.
“Now, I’ll leave you to it and I’ll come say goodnight. Off you go, Mafuyu.”
Shut up.
Shut up. Just shut up.
-----------------------------------------
I’m staring at a blank sheet of paper.
My head is a complete disaster. I want to leave.
I want to see her.
What am I doing? Should I even see her and risk my mother getting all worked up?
I look outside. It’s snowing.
It’s snowing again like it was when she made me feel warm.
She made me feel.
I look at the door, then the clock.
21:03. The door is locked.
I look at my computer. I look at my phone.
I turn it over.
I look at the picture of us at Phoenix Wonderland. Mizuki’s friend got us tickets to a show and got us in.
He was nice. They were all nice.
I examine the photo like I had a hundred times before.
Ena had taken it when I wasn’t looking and Mizuki was talking to their friend about the play they had performed.
Kanade was telling me all the things she liked about the show and what she thought of it.
I look at her, then I look at myself in the picture. I looked happy. I was smiling.
Not the fake, plastered on smile that I bring up for other people.
One that was reserved for her, and only her. Maybe also the rest of 25ji.
No one else though.
I felt the same warmth in my chest like I had that day in the snow.
I remember the look Ena had when I asked her for the photo. She looked fake confused, then shocked and angry, then happy.
“It’ll take a few days to get, but I’ll give it to you when I can. Why do you want it?”
“I just do.”
She had smiled fondly at that.
“Let me know if you figure it out.”
I got the picture a few days later, in the Sekai. Kanade looked at it and asked for a copy too.
I felt warm again when she looked at me.
I like that memory.
I look at the clock again.
21:07.
I need to be studying for these finals.
I pick up the pencil beside the paper, feeling the rough wood underneath the smooth paint. I look at it and stare.
It’s like me, really. Just like me.
A soft exterior hiding the rough imperfections inside.
I begin writing.
---------------------------------------------
No.
NO.
I have not written down a single equation in the past hour, not a single line of proper text or answers for my exams, my textbook hasn’t been opened once.
I’m staring at lyrics.
They are smudged and re-done over and over again. There is eraser bits all over the paper.
I was not supposed to do this. I hear my mother’s footsteps coming towards the door.
I shove the lyrics into my laundry basket as she knocks on the door. I flip open the textbook to make it look like I was studying.
“Mafuyu, please open the door so your father and I can say goodnight.”
I put on my smile.
I get up and open the door.
“Goodnight mother, father.” I feel my mother’s arms wrap around me as she says goodnight. It’s suffocating, like a boa constrictor strangling its prey. My father simply pats me on the head. They walk away.
I close the door again and lock it.
I almost run to my computer, desperate to see the Sekai. To see Miku. I need a good space to clear my head.
I grab my textbook, my pencil, the lyrics I wrote down.
I reach for my notebook to study with.
I grab my headphones and play the song, desperate to get into the void of my emotions.
-----------------------------
I blink a few times, finally relaxing once I see the familiar grey floor and the dark ruins. I look around.
Miku is sitting on a ruin playing cat’s cradle. She seems to have gotten very good at it.
Mizuki is also here. They are sitting with Ena with a laptop, watching a movie.
Ena has a small canvas with her. She has a palette of paint on her lap. I wonder what she is painting.
I can’t see Kanade anywhere. Maybe she isn’t here yet.
I walk over to Ena and Mizuki. She pauses whatever they’re watching.
“Mafuyu, you’re early.” Mizuki notes, looking up.
“Can I sit with you?” I ask, preparing for rejection.
They look at each other, then back at me.
“Are you sick again? Do you need to head back like last time?” Ena asks, a twinge of worry apparent on her face.
“No, I’m okay.”
Mizuki smiles. It’s warm. Not as warm as Kanade, but still very warm.
“Sure, you can sit. We’re watching Howl’s Moving Castle.” I sit with them. They are both focused on their own things.
Ena unpauses the film and returns to her painting. Mizuki glances over at my things. “You’re studying?”
“I have a test tomorrow.” They nod.
“Good luck.”
“Thank you.”
We sit in mostly silence, half watching the movie half doing our own things. I look over at Ena periodically. She has painted half of a field of flowers, light shining through the clouds. It’s pretty. I look over at Mizuki. They are focused and holding on to a torn costume, one that their friend wore in a play. A small pincushion hangs on their wrist, partnered with a small container of thread and needles. They are hand stitching the tear.
I look down at my textbook. My notes and my lyrics.
Suddenly studying is not so appealing.
I balance my notebook on my textbook, resting that against my knees.
I look at the movie.
It’s warm. I like it.
I think I see Mizuki look at me in my peripheral. I think they smile.
We sit there with the movie.
I don’t worry.
I am not shaking.
--------------------------------------
Around 25:00, I look up at a flash of light and triangles.
I feel my eyes widen a little bit, not certain from what.
Kanade is there. She is holding a stack of papers and blinking from the light.
I stand up. Ena pauses the movie. Mizuki looks at me.
I do not care.
I walk over to her. She is smiling.
It is like looking at the sun. It’s so warm and bright.
“Mafuyu. You’re early.”
“I am.” I look back at my things, at Ena and Mizuki who are looking at us. They both nod. “Would you like to come watch a movie with us?”
Somehow, her smile grows warmer.
“I’d love to.”
We walk over to the other two who clear a spot for her. I move my things for her. She happily sits down between Mizuki and I.
“Oh, Mizuki, what happened? How did that get torn?”
“Ah, Rui was trying out a stunt to make their show more extreme, without Tsukasa for once, and the sleeve got caught on a wire. He didn’t get hurt at all, just a light scratch that didn’t break skin.” They explain, looking at the tear as they begin trying to thread a needle.
“I’m glad he’s okay.” Ena wordlessly unpauses the movie, returning to her canvas. Kanade looks comfortable. She has gone with sweatpants and a baggier sweater. Her nose and cheeks are a dusty pink, presumably from the cold. I wonder if her house has heating.
Around the halfway mark of the movie, I feel someone lean against me. She is warm.
I feel my eyes widen more as I look down and see Kanade leaning on my arm. Mizuki and Ena are staring. I feel Miku’s gaze from across the ruins.
My cheeks are warm.
They’re very warm.
I look over at the other two, a bit panicked as this has never happened before and I have no idea what I am supposed to do.
Ena covers her mouth, seemingly to stifle laughter. Mizuki playfully slaps her. I glare at them.
Mizuki quietly sighs, moving to be in the same position that Kanade and I are in but with Ena. Ena gently wraps an arm around their shoulders, playing with their hair a little bit. She motions to me.
I carefully wrap my arm around Kanade’s shoulders.
She moves to be closer, her head on my shoulder.
I frantically look up at the other two who are holding each other to not laugh and disturb her. Ena takes out her phone and takes a picture.
I sigh.
I take a few breaths to relax.
I look down at Kanade, who is transfixed on the film. She has not noticed anything out of the ordinary.
I feel my features loosen their hold.
I glance up at Mizuki. They nod.
I look back at the movie. I carefully move my hands through her hair. It’s soft like silk.
It’s calm.
--------------------------------------
The movie ends. I feel Kanade begin to sit up properly, moving her arms in front of her to stretch.
I take my arm off her shoulders, removing my hand from her hair.
She stretches out her arms over her head, legs out in front of her.
Ena puts her canvas down, closing the laptop. Mizuki stands up, hanging the fixed costume on the coat hanger that appeared a while ago.
I stand up, not wanting to damage my posture. I feel my joints pop into place. Kanade also stands up, nearly tripping on her hair.
I hold her arms to steady her. She nods, regaining her footing.
I look at the time. 25:42.
“Maybe it would be better to just go to bed now.” Mizuki says, straining their voice a bit from stretching. Ena nods, rubbing her eyes.
Kanade nods, yawning.
“This was a nice break.” I say, letting go of her arms. They all look at me. I look back at them.
I feel the ground rumbling a bit. Ena grabs Mizuki, who grabs the coat hanger.
Kanade grabs my arms. I hold her shoulder. I look at Miku.
She stands silently, waiting for the rumbling to stop.
It does, after a few moments of creaking and shaking from the ruins.
Miku points to the spot we were all just sitting in.
There is now a couch and a television. The four of us stare at it.
Mizuki walks over to it. They poke it.
It’s real.
We all look at Miku.
“Mafuyu liked that experience a lot.” Is all she says.
I walk over to the couch. I sit on it.
It’s comfortable.
“Yeah we should probably go to bed like now.” Ena hums, a little taken aback by the appearance of something. We all nod.
We leave.
--------------------
It is morning. I am putting on my uniform, doing up the buttons with extreme care.
I stare at myself in the mirror while brushing my hair. I pause.
My eyes do not look so lifeless anymore.
I smile. I smile the smile that is reserved for the three of them.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. I check the notification.
> Enanan sent 2 images
I open Nightcord. It is two images, both of Kanade and I. The first one is me staring at her, actual emotion visible on my face. The second one is us watching the movie, relaxed, my hand in Kanade’s hair and my arm draped over her shoulders.
> Enanan: do you two want these pictures too?
> Amia: cuuuuuuute!
> K: I would like a copy of the second one
I smile.
> Yuki: I too would like a copy of the second photo.
> Enanan: ill probably have them in a day or two
“Mafuyu! You need to leave soon!” My mother’s scream echoes through the house. I shove my phone back in my pocket.
I smile the fake smile.
I take my things and run out to get my shoes on.
I am excited for when I get that photo.
--------------------------------------------------------
I am laying on the floor in my bedroom.
It has been a week since the couch arrived. 25ji has begun doing lyrics and discussions there at night. Occasionally we put on a film and Miku sometimes joins us.
But now I am laying on the floor.
I have been feeling warm every time I see her.
I have no idea why.
I want to ask someone about it. Who do I even ask?
The phone begins to ring. I roll over to answer it.
Caller ID: Amia
Why were they calling me?
I answer.
“Hello?”
“Hey Mafuyu! Ena and I were talking about stuff and we realized that it’s your birthday next week!”
WHAT.
I jumped up, running to the calendar on my whiteboard.
It was January 20th.
“Mafuyu? You there?”
“I’m here.”
“Oh good, we were thinking of maybe having your birthday celebration at Ena’s house if that’s okay with you.”
“At Ena’s..?”
“Yeah! Kanade actually popped in while we were talking and said it would be a good idea, it would be a good break from your mom and all your school things.”
I am thinking about it.
I weigh the options.
My parents would probably be okay with it if I made up a believable lie.
“I’ll be there.”
“Awesome! I gotta go, work and all that. I’ll see you on Nightcord!” With that, they hung up.
I sat on my bed.
I was almost 18.
I laugh.
I laugh again. And again and again so much that I feel tears begin to run down my cheeks. I bury my face in my hands, trying to muffle the sound.
Something clicks.
I am almost 18, yes.
That means…that means I can leave. I can get out.
I feel overcome with excitement. I begin thinking of a plan as my mother calls me for dinner. I plaster on the smile but my brain is moving at a million miles a minute. She won’t know though, so it doesn’t matter.
I sit at the table, content eating dinner. It still tastes like nothing. I look around the house, assessing every possible entrance and exit.
Windows and doors.
So many windows and doors.
Windows and doors…like the ones I have in my bedroom.
I bring my dishes to the kitchen and begin washing them.
I’ll need to text the rest of 25ji, explain what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, where I plan to stay, the plan after I turn 18-
“Mafuyu, you’re bleeding!”
My mother’s voice shocks me. I look down at my hands. My hand has been sliced open. I realize I cut through the sponge while washing dishes and it hit my hand. I wash it off as my mother hurriedly grabs a first aid kit.
I sit silently as she dries my hand off. She is shaking her head, looking like she’s filled to the brim with disappointment.
I don’t care.
“Honestly Mafuyu how did you not notice?”
Shut up.
“It was a sharp knife and you didn’t pause for a second.”
Shut up.
“You go study. I’ll finish up the kitchen.”
I stand up, not letting a word leave my mouth so I don’t say the wrong thing. I go to my room.
I close and lock the door.
I retrieve my phone, frantically opening Nightcord. There are hundreds of messages from the day, storyboarding and such.
I have no interest in that right now.
I begin typing.
> Yuki: I need help
> K: Are you okay? Are you safe?
> Enanan: did your mom do something stupid again?
> Amia: what’s going on?
I take a deep breath. I begin typing. The other typing bubbles appear for the other three momentarily but I do not stop. I can’t stop. I need to get out of here.
> Yuki: as you know my birthday is next week. I’m turning 18 so legally I can do whatever. On my birthday after I celebrate with my parents, I am going to put all my things in the Sekai. I am going to go over to Ena’s house for the celebration and stay the night. The day after I am going to get a restraining order against my mother. Ena, would it be okay for me to stay at your house for a little while until I can find somewhere I’m confident my parents will not discover?
I turn the phone off, turning it to look at the case. The two photos of Kanade and I calm down my beating heart. It’s so warm. The phone buzzes.
> Enanan: Hold on ill ask akito
> Enanan: he says he doesn’t give a fuck but he will beat a bitch and he says to not say anything if/when toya comes over
I smile a little bit. Perhaps the smile could be reserved for five people.
> K: Mafuyu, if you ever want my house is always open, Ms Mochizuki won’t mind
> Amia: you’re also good to come over here, not a lot of my family is ever home anyways so they wont mind
I look at the clock. I glance at the calendar.
I wish for time to go faster.
-------------------------------------------------
It seems my wish is granted. Finals made the week go by in a blur.
I am now packing my things up in my room. I am officially 18.
I look at the door. I make sure it is locked. I put in the portable lock and the chair against the door just in case. I travel to the sekai.
The blinding light catches me off guard a bit. I look around.
It is not nearly as grey.
I drag my things over to the couch and the tv. There is a small garbage can now, I think Ena brought it one time when Mizuki brought some chocolates and snacks for one of the movie nights.
I set my suitcase next to the couch, along with one pillow and one blanket.
“Are you going to be alright?” I hear Miku ask. I turn around. She is standing there with Luka and Meiko and Rin. Luka looks serious. Meiko looks indifferent. Rin looks slightly worried.
“I’ll be okay. I have a safe space to go and I don’t think my mother will be able to find me there.” I say. Miku smiles a bit.
“Do not forget, we will always be here if you need a space to run away.” Rin hums.
“Thank you.” I look at my phone. It is almost time for the familial celebration. “If you’ll excuse me.”
I pause the song and look around my room. It seems to empty.
I have deleted all history of nightcord from my computer. I logged out as well, just in case.
“Mafuyu! You may come out now!” My mother’s scream echoes through the house. I hope it will be the last time I hear it.
I remove the lock, the chair and unlock the door. I step out into the kitchen.
There is a small dinner that I requested on the table, that being katsudon paired with miso soup and cucumber salad. I smile a very small fragment of the smile reserved for the others.
“Thank you, mother, father. This is wonderful.”
We sit around the table and eat in silence. The dinner is warm. I’m not certain I like it.
My mother gives me a small envelope once we finish.
It is a small envelope from the University of Tokyo.
I open it, my hands shaking with anticipation.
I was accepted into the medical program.
“I… I got in.” I say. My mother wraps me in her boa constrictor hug.
“That’s wonderful news!” She exclaims.
Shut up.
“I’m so proud of you Mafuyu.” She lets go and sits back. I don’t want this.
My father glances at the clock and looks back at us. He hands me a small box.
I open it hesitantly.
It is a small box of duckweed.
“For your aquarium. Happy birthday, Mafuyu.” He pats my shoulder.
I appreciate it.
“Thank you both.”
“It’s almost time for you to go to your friend’s house.” My father says. “Make sure to be back by 10 tomorrow. Do you have all you need?” He asks, a twinge of worry present in his voice. I nod. “Good. Now off you go.”
I stand up, thanking them both once again. I walk to my room and look at the bare walls and floor. I grab the small backpack I prepared in advance.
I put the box and the letter in there.
I walk out, grabbing all my shoes as I do.
My father comes over. My mother is still cleaning up the kitchen.
“I saw your room.” He says. I freeze.
“You saw my room.” He nods. I take a breath. I am afraid of what he is going to say. He sighs, looking back at my mother. She is too busy to notice anything. He looks back at me.
“I don’t know where you’re going. But I have a feeling it isn’t university.”
I feel my hands shaking.
“Well, I won’t tell your mother.” I feel myself relax. “You just be safe wherever you go. And you be happy.”
“I will.”
We stand there for a moment. I hug him. He hugs me back. It’s warm.
“Now off you go. Have fun.” I step back.
“Goodbye father.”
“Goodbye, Mafuyu.”
I walk out. I do not look back.
I walk down the street, looking around periodically. There is a bit of snow falling.
I take out my key ring. There is only my old house key and my mail key.
I throw them both into the nearest snowbank.
I start running towards Ena’s house.
I feel my feet hitting the ground.
I feel the wind hitting my face, tossing my hair around.
The cold air is a shock to my lungs.
I feel aching in my legs.
I feel adrenaline rushing to my knees and my feet.
I feel my eyes open wider, my mouth turning into a small smile.
I feel myself begin to laugh.
For the first time in so long, I feel alive.
I feel free.
Ena’s door comes into view. I slow down, catching my breath.
I continue to laugh. I can feel the warmth of emotion creeping into my heart and coursing through my veins.
I look up at the sky, grinning with the snow lightly falling onto my face.
I compose myself.
I walk up and ring the doorbell. The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs brings me to earth.
Akito opens the door. He looks irritated for a moment but softens his face once he sees me.
“Asahina-san.”
“No need for any formalities. Call me Mafuyu.”
“Come in.” He steps back, turning towards the kitchen. “ENA YOUR FRIEND IS HERE!”
I hear more footsteps, this time I see Ena running towards the entryway as I step in.
“Mafuyu! You look….. happy, who are you and what have you done with Mafuyu?” She holds onto the banister while I close the door.
“I feel free.” I say. Akito looks as if he knows what I’m feeling. Mizuki appears behind Ena. They have a soft expression on, that of knowing and of understanding.
There is more footsteps coming from upstairs. We all look over. There is Toya Aoyagi, the dual haired boy I had seen with Akito a few times. Behind him is Kanade. I feel warmth travel to my cheeks. She looks as if she is illuminated by the moonlight, shining in her hair that has been tied into two braids. I assume it was Mizuki who did that. She looks at me, I look back at her. Her cheeks turn to a rose pink.
“Hi.” She says. I say nothing. I do not wish to distort the image before me. Ena claps, disturbing the silence.
“We have a celebration to do! Come on, everyone come to the table and sit down.” We all follow her. Kanade gently holds my hand, as she had thousands of times before. Her hands are warm. I see the boys glance at us in my peripheral, small smiles on their faces.
We sit around the table. It is packed with takeout. There is pizza, ginger beef, chow mein, sushi, steamed buns, soup dumplings, fried rice, edamame, hand rolls, a truly ridiculous amount of for six people.
We all sit, Ena and Mizuki next to each other, the boys next to each other, Kanade next to me.
Contrary to my family, the table is alive with conversation while we eat. Akito and Toya are talking about an event they will be performing at with the rest of Vivid Bad Squad. He says that they can get us tickets, to which Ena and Mizuki excitedly accept. Kanade also accepts, leading me to do the same. Ena brings up the album which we are putting together for release soon, to which they both express curiosity. Kanade asks about Vivid Bad’s music releases, she asks to hear a few of their songs after dinner. Ena and Akito fight over a piece of pizza while the rest of us laugh. They eventually split it in half, bringing them into the laughter. I look around at everyone talking, occasionally arguing over little things. I feel myself smile. I like this.
I like this a lot.
We are now all laying on the floor. Everyone ate too much and we are now feeling the effects of such actions. I am looking at all the patterns on the popcorn ceiling. Kanade is laying to my left, Ena to my right, the other three across from us.
“This was a mistake.” Akito groans. Everyone hums in response.
“At least we’ll have leftovers for tomorrow?” Mizuki tries to be optimistic.
“I don’t think I’ve ever eaten that much in my life.” Kanade hums.
“Only times I think I have are when I visit the Tenmas for Christmas.” Toya replies.
I keep making patterns as the clock ticks by.
“Oh fuck we still have cake.” Ena sighs. Everyone groans. We all get up anyways, beginning the cleanup and process of putting everything in containers. We all talk about miscellaneous things. The containers go in the fridge, plates and bowls and cups and utensils are put in the dishwasher. Ena begins setting out new things, instructing me to sit at the table, facing away from the kitchen. I do as I was told.
Everyone sits in their prior spots, aside from the siblings who are whispering to each other about things. I hear a lighter click a few times. They all begin to sing happy birthday as Ena carries over a cake, Akito making sure it doesn’t fall. It has two number candles on it, making 18. I feel myself smile the brightest version of the smile I have for them. Kanade holds my hand.
“Make a wish.” Mizuki says, phone out to film the whole thing for memories. I think.
I wish to stay free with all of the people in this house.
I blow out the candles, everyone giving applause when they both go out.
I cut out even pieces once the candles are removed.
The conversations start up once again. Akito steals from Toya’s plate a few times. Mizuki takes what’s left of Ena’s once she declares she can’t eat anymore. Kanade and I sit, observing the aura of the happy people around us. I feel warm.
Eventually, we end up on the floor again, this time people handing over the gifts they have gotten me. Mizuki got me a marionette with the strings cut. I assume they made the dress it is wearing. I admire it. I love it. Ena painted one of the photos we have with all of 25ji, sitting in the restaurant we celebrate at. It is done with such expertise if I didn’t know better I would assume it was made by Van Gogh. Akito and Toya apparently got me something together, that being some things for my aquarium and the location of Weekend Garage, the small café they would go sit and relax in while planning for events. Kanade’s gift definitely meant the most to me. She gave me a small locket with a picture of the four of us. Miku must have taken it. It was in the Sekai on the couch, on which we had all fallen asleep watching A Silent Voice. Kanade was curled up against me, I had my arm around her and my head on hers, Mizuki and Ena were comfortably snuggled together on the other side of the couch. It was warm.
“Thank you all, I appreciate all of these.”
Ena stands up.
“There’s one more thing I have, it was mailed here instead of to your house.” She runs up to her room, coming down a few moments later with an envelope. She hands it to me.
I turn it over.
Tokyo University of the Arts. The university that Ena and Kanade had applied for and received their acceptance letters for.
I feel my heart leap into my throat.
I look at the five others, waiting patiently.
I bite down on my lip as I carefully open the envelope.
I remember putting Ena’s address down so my mother would not find out.
I take out the paper, feeling the tension in the room grow.
Kanade puts her hand on my leg.
I flip it open.
“Dear Asahina Mafuyu, congratulations it is with great pleasure that I offer you admission into the…Tokyo…University of the Arts.”
I hear everyone begin to celebrate as it all becomes muffled and my eyes fill with tears.
I grab my bag and dig through it, tearing out the envelope for the general Tokyo University. Everyone silently stares at it.
Toya is the one who speaks up.
“What do you really want to do with your life, Mafuyu-san?”
I think about it.
“I want to do what I love.”
I tear the medical acceptance letter in half. I grin while holding the two halves as everyone celebrates. I join in with them.
I hope to stay like this forever.
---------------------------------------
Everyone else is asleep. It is four in the morning and I am laying on the couch, staring at the dark ceiling.
I am thinking about everything that happened today. How much I genuinely felt.
I turn over, looking at the walls. Paintings cover them. There are a few photos I noticed earlier of Akito and Ena when they were younger. They looked happy.
I hear someone coming down the stairs. I look over.
It’s Akito. He turns on the light, rubbing his eyes a bit.
“Can’t sleep anymore?” He hums, groggy from the morning.
“No. I assume it’s the same for you?” He nods. I sit up, letting him sit next to me. We stare at the wall.
I open my mouth to speak. He beats me to it.
“So. You got out.” He hums, rubbing his chest. I’m not sure why, but it seems different.
“I did.”
“When are you gonna go file that restraining order? Ena told me about it.”
“Probably later today. Why?”
“You gonna be okay?”
“I’ll be okay, I’ve done my fair share of legal research on it so I know what to do. And I’ve wanted to get away from her for a really long time too, it’ll be good for me.”
We sit on the couch. I think of the day. The joy that filled the house. The way I felt things.
“When did you and Yoisaki-san start dating?”
I snap my head around to look at him. He looks at me, confused.
“Are you not together?”
“No, why did you think we were?”
“You two look at each other the same way I used to look at Toya after I realized I was gay.”
“Oh.”
“Was that too out of left field?”
“No I just… I never really had time to figure things like that out. How exactly… would you describe how you feel about Aoyagi-san?”
“Short answer or long one?”
“Long one please.”
He leans back, looking at the ceiling. I see a smile forming as he begins to speak.
“Every time I see him my heart gets all fluttery and I feel warm and happy and I can’t stop smiling whenever he’s around. Whenever we go on dates it’s like we’re in our own little world and there’s nothing that could possibly break us out of it. And the first time he kissed me I honestly thought time froze in place, it was like everything I ever could have imagined. I’m very lucky to have him.”
I stare at him. I think of everything that’s happened since I met Kanade.
I feel my heart begin to flutter as I remember every time she’s held my hand, been there for me, leaned on me and made me feel warm, all the time she listened when I needed to get something off my chest and my sneaking glances and-
Oh.
Oh.
So that’s what that feeling is.
“Akito I think I like girls.” I say, feeling my face warm up.
“Alright.”
I think of my mother, all the dreams that she had for me: go to medical school, find a husband, get married and settle down with kids.
I feel tears welling up in my eyes.
Akito carefully pulls me into a hug as I begin to sob.
“It’s okay.” He carefully rubs circles into my back as I try to keep myself quiet.
“What’s wrong with me..?” I whisper through my sobs. He sits back, eyes fiery with determination and understanding. It stops my sobs, catching them in my throat as I breathe.
“Nothing.”
“What..? But my mother, she had-“
“Mafuyu, listen to me. Your mother is a fucking idiot who doesn’t know her daughter correctly. Her ideals don’t matter. And trust me, trust me when I say that there isn’t shit wrong with you. Got it?”
I nod, swallowing uncomfortably and wiping away my tears.
“So tell me what you’re feeling.”
I try to find the right words as the fire in his eyes burns, now in mine. I put together the beautiful puzzle of my heart, clicking together that last piece that shows me and Kanade together on that couch, my hand in her hair.
“I love her. I love Kanade and… and there’s nothing wrong with it.”
“Good.” He smiles. I feel tears pricking my eyes again, but this time from joy. “Alright come here.”
I hug him first.
“Thank you.”
“Anytime.” We return to sitting in silence.
At some point I think I doze off.
--------------------------------------------------
I awake from the smell of coffee and pancakes.
There is the sound of dishes clattering in the kitchen.
I sit up, stretching and shaking off sleep from the night before as well as a blanket.
“Morning Mafuyu, do you want coffee?” Ena pokes her head out from behind the wall. Her hair is disheveled and curled. Akito pokes his head out, hair also curly, holding a cup of coffee.
“Yes please.” I get up, stretching out all my limbs as I walk over to the kitchen.
Mizuki is making pancakes as Ena cuts up fruits. Akito is standing beside them with a French press in front of an espresso machine.
“What kind tickles your fancy?” Akito hums. I think about what things might taste like now that I can taste things.
“Could I see what kinds you have?”
“Right now for coffee beans we have hazelnut vanilla, French vanilla, caramel and cinnamon and for espresso we have… coffee flavoured. We also have matcha, and a shit ton of syrups for Ena’s social medias-“
“Hey!” Ena throws a strawberry at him.
“So you can also pick any of those.” He steps back, setting down his mug. I decide on cinnamon coffee with some cinnamon caramel syrup.
Kanade and Toya come down while Akito helps me figure out the French press. I glance over and feel my cheeks go warm. Even just waking up Kanade looks like an angel. She rubs her eyes.
I see Akito smile and walk over to share a quick kiss with Toya.
I feel a bit of longing and jealousy.
Kanade looks at the coffee station.
“What kind is in there right now?” She hums, voice groggy.
“Cinnamon.” I manage to say. She nods, looking at the ‘shit ton of syrups’ as Akito puts it. She puts together her own blend. I watch, unable to take my eyes off of her.
I decide there that I needed to be with her, to make my feelings known to her.
I take a deep breath and walk over to her.
“Kanade. May I kiss you.” I say, as quietly as I can but loud enough for her to still hear me.
She goes pink, then red. She looks as though she is thinking.
“Yes.”
I gently grab her face and kiss her. It does feel as though times stop for the two of us.
I let go and she kisses me again.
And again.
And it is everything I have ever wanted without even knowing it.
I feel the final claws around my heart run away as they free it.
We stop for a moment and I see her for everything that she is. I hope she sees me for everything that I am and that I want to be.
I hear someone drop a flipper.
We look over. The other four are staring at us.
Ena has her eyes wide.
Mizuki does too, but they are smiling.
Toya looks shocked.
Akito nods. He looks proud.
I look back at Kanade at the exact moment that she looks at me.
“I love you, Kanade.” I whisper to her. She smiles.
“I love you too, Mafuyu.”
I am ecstatic.
----------------------------------
---------------------------------
I am laying on our bed. The cat is sitting next to me.
It has been two years since that day.
We indeed went to Tokyo Uni of Arts, Mizuki joined us a little bit later but now we’re all here.
We went to Akito and Toya’s events, we met the rest of Vivid Bad and a few other groups.
I indeed filed a restraining order against my mother and moved to Tokyo with the rest of our little group.
My mother was infuriated and called me hundreds of times when she saw not only my room, but the fact that I was not home at 10 that day and also the notice of a restraining order.
I changed my number eventually. She hasn’t contacted me by phone anymore but she sure has tried to figure out where I am.
I sent her a letter the other day though. Kanade recommended it to me, she said it would maybe bring me closure. I did end up writing it.
I look at the window.
It’s snowing again.
I toy with my hair a little bit.
It is turning into a slightly shaggier version of my mother’s haircut.
I grab a pair of scissors and walk to the bathroom. I look at myself in the mirror.
I see my eyes, the burning embers of passion sitting within them creating a violet flame.
I see my lips. My nose.
My teeth.
I see my shoulders, my arms, my calloused hands.
I see all of myself.
I see one string left attached.
I tie my hair back.
I take a deep breath.
Snip-!
I sweep everything up into the garbage, showering off the smaller remnants from cleaning up my bangs.
I throw in a load of laundry.
I do small, menial tasks as I wait for Kanade to return home.
I look around at the photos and paintings on the mantel.
There is the ones I received from Ena, the frames are filled with photos of the four of us at University. There are a few of Akito, Toya and Mizuki’s graduation and the celebration dinner we had.
There is the one Akito’s friend Azusawa captured of the moment I proposed.
The middle pictures are from the wedding. We all look ecstatic.
Kanade and I decided to have six people in the general wedding party, those being Mizuki, Ena, Akito, Toya, Honami and Ichika. It was a small wedding, maybe 25 people altogether. There was the rest of vivid bad, Emu and her old troupe from phoenix wonderland, there was Ichika and Honami’s other bandmates, Shizuku brought her group, there was Kanade’s father and Mr Shiraishi and a few others. I vividly remember the way we looked at each other while saying vows. I remember the dance we did, her carefully trying not to step on my feet as La Valse de l’Amour played from the speakers. We danced in the snow of November, outside in the cold. I remember falling into a small snowbank and laughing until we cried. The reception was rather nice, during all the speeches Toya put a phone on a stool, much to all of our confusion, and the vocaloids appeared. They were all a bit older looking, the kagamines looked to be in their late teens, Kaito and Meiko and Luka all looked to be mid to late 20s and Miku looked like an adult. They all congratulated us and ended up catching up on everything that had happened, letting us know that the sekais were now one giant sekai with different areas like a carnival from Emu’s friend Tsukasa, a stage from Shizuku’s band, a school from Homani and Ichika’s band, a café from Vivid bad and a nice empty area to relax from me.
Overall, we’ve had nice lives so far.
I smile as I recount the memories of what I have.
I occasionally think about what may have happened if I had never met Kanade.
She saved my life.
Sometimes when those thoughts creep in, late at night, I will wake up and she will wake up and she will cuddle close to me. I will play with her hair and we will talk through the problem and fix it together.
I sigh.
I run my hands through my now short hair. I like it this way.
I glance at the turning doorknob to the apartment.
Kanade steps in.
She has gotten a bit taller over the years and did eventually have Honami cut her hair before we moved to Tokyo. With a bit of persuasion she did end up finding a healthier sleep schedule and work life along with some daily sunshine and a significantly healthier meal plan. We cook together. Through all of these changes, one thing remains the same. Her eyes still have that same glow that they have always had. And I adore it.
We stare at each other.
“You cut your hair.” She says, taking off her shoes and walking over to play with it.
“I figured it was time.” I hum, letting her do so.
She smiles.
“I like it. It suits you.”
I kiss her. She kisses me back.
We head to the kitchen to prepare dinner.
I look back at the living room, at a copy of the letter I sent to my mother.
I think about the things I have.
I am never going back.
“Mafuyu, are you coming?” I hear from the kitchen.
I run in, smiling as she picks up our cat.
Mizuki recommended we get one, Ena gave advice on what to do with each breed.
Now we are a complete family. A bit unorthodox, but I like it. I’m happy.
I am free.
-----------------------------
Dear Ms Asahina,
I hope this letter finds you well. It has been long since we last spoke, or, since you last attempted to contact me. I believe I should explain what exactly happened the last time I saw you.
A week prior to my 18th birthday I had made a plan with my friends to run away and take all of my things with me to get away from you. I decided to put all my things in one place, aside from furniture, run away to my friend Ena’s house, stay the night and file a restraining order against you as I was officially of legal age to do so and for it to be valid in the eyes of the court. I stayed with my wife, Kanade, for the time between receiving my acceptance letter to Tokyo University of the Arts and moving there with her once jobs were nailed down and we had steady income.
Afterwards, we moved away from you and I ended up going no contact with father. I hope he is doing well, last we spoke was that night. He told me to be safe and happy wherever I go. I miss him the most.
I am currently almost finished the musical program for TUA, I am currently holding steady income at a remote office job and am making music with the rest of my group, Nightcord at 25:00.
Kanade and I are currently living together with our cat, keeping in contact with friends from school and such, and you’ll be pleased to know that our wedding was November 22nd, 20XX. We are happily married and plan on having a child free household, splitting the will at our deaths towards good charities.
I am happy right now. I am doing what I love and I am using none of what you forced on me. Attached in this letter will be the torn halves of my Tokyo University acceptance letter. I never ever wanted that and I am so happy to have never gone through with it. I do thank you though, as you have taught me that family is not a bloodline. I will be renewing my restraining order next week as that is when it expires.
Fuck you,
Mafuyu Yoisaki.