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EXT. HOUSE - DAY
Lights up on a new day in The House. The Guys™ are in the garden. Yellow Guy is surrounded by various gardening supplies and poking at dirt with a stick, Red Guy is reading the back of a bag of fertilizer like a novel, and Duck is sitting on the porch, complaining.
DUCK (complaining)
This chair is uncomfortable.
It’s identical to his rocking chair inside.
RED
Go inside, then?
DUCK
No. Inside is boring, I’ve been there before.
YELLOW
You can… dig… holes? With me!
DUCK
Well, I don’t want to dig holes! I’d get my jacket all soiled!
RED
From the soil?
DUCK
Yes.
RED
Fine, just sit there and complain then. I’m getting to the good part.
He continues reading this bag of fertilizer.
RED (quietly)
Oh, wow.
DUCK
Fine!
A beat. Duck pouts now that he’s not getting attention anymore.
DUCK
The sun is too loud. Why can’t it go behind the tree and stop bothering me? Come to think of it, the tree’s ugly! Very ugly! Nasty tree!
Yellow and Red are too busy doing their gardening(?) and ignore him.
Duck looks around the yard to find something else to complain about. It’s a perfectly manicured felt lawn, so there’s really not much.
DUCK
The grass is getting too long, someone ought to mow it. Hmm… And that doghouse doesn’t match the house at all, someone should really repaint it! And the-
YELLOW
Dog……………house?
DUCK
Yes, that one right there! Hideous, isn’t it?
Duck points to a perfectly fine looking brown wooden doghouse with a red painted roof.
YELLOW
That house isn’t a dog.
Red finally tears himself away from the absolutely riveting bag of multi-purpose plant fertilizer to look at the doghouse.
RED
Have we… always had that? Do we even have a dog?
Yellow shrugs.
YELLOW
I didn’t even know we had a garden!
DUCK
So we’ve had another house next to our house this whole time? We should’ve been charging rent! I’ve always wanted to be a landlord!
Of course he would.
YELLOW
I dunno if anyone… lives there.
RED
We could find out. Knock on the door?
Yellow cautiously walks over to the doghouse.
YELLOW
It hasn’t got one.
RED
Huh. Guess we’ll never know then.
He goes back to reading the bag.
Duck finally gets up and pushes Yellow out of the way.
DUCK
Alright, let me have a go then.
He kicks the shit out of the doghouse completely unprovoked.
DUCK (cont.)
Listen here! We don’t want any squatters on our property! So you had better leave before the property value goes down!
He doesn’t know what property value is.
There’s a few moments of silence.
DUCK (cont.)
Well. I guess it’s empty. How much can you charge for a one bedroom doghouse-
Before Duck can finish, four (dog?) legs lift the doghouse several feet off the ground.
Yellow and Duck look absolutely dumbfounded, but not entirely surprised at this point. Same shit as always. Red is still reading.
The doghouse balances out, and takes a big stretch like a dog that just woke up from peacefully napping in a sunbeam.
YELLOW
So it is a dog-
A goofy looking white dog head with shaggy white fur and big googly eyes pops out. His neck is way too long, but it matches his other noodly limbs perfectly. Over the doorway to the doghouse is a little sign that says “Benton” in big yellow letters.
BENTON
WOAH there , I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you-
DUCK
You owe us rent, you freeloading hippie!
RED
What is- oh, one of you guys. Maybe we should start charging rent.
BENTON
Haha! You’re mean :)
Benton stretches his neck very far to sniff Yellow. Like way too far.
BENTON (cont.)
And you’ve got colors on you!
YELLOW
Oh- ok, this is… fine. I like dogs, I think?
Benton touches Yellow’s chest with his comically large wet dog nose. Yellow recoils.
YELLOW (distressed)
NOt fine- I DOn’T like thiS DoGs.
Red finally gets up and joins the group.
RED
So what’s this about? Dogs? Houses? Doghouses? Uh… yeah, that’s all I’ve got.
BENTON
Well, it’s simple, really! I’ve decided that you’re all old enough to handle some responsibility!
DUCK
What? You and what authority?
RED
How old are we…?
YELLOW
I don’t think I want a “responsibility”.
BENTON
A pet is a big responsibility, but I think you guys have proven you’re responsible enough to take care of a dog!
DUCK
What do you mean? We’ve had pets before!
RED
Yeah, and they’ve all died comically. I mean. Tragically.
YELLOW
But you said they went to a farm!
Red shrugs.
RED (casually)
Yeah, I lied.
Benton starts circling the three, giving a very clearly rehearsed speech.
BENTON
I know how long you’ve wanted a dog of your very own-
RED, YELLOW, and DUCK (in unison)
We don’t.
BENTON
But now you- wait, what?
YELLOW
We’re not all too good at… pets.
RED
They’re too much work.
DUCK
And they always give me nasty looks!
This is something Benton apparently didn’t plan for. In fact, it seems like he can’t comprehend it at all.
BENTON
But you- I- you want……………………… EVERYONE LIKES DOGS!!!
RED
Yeah, no. Not really our thing. Come on guys, let’s just… wash dishes or something. Inside.
YELLOW
Okay!
The three take about two steps towards the door before Benton clumsily gallops in front of them to cut them off.
BENTON (panicking)
Don’t you have it in your heart to care?! Care about another living creature?!
DUCK
No .
RED (overlapping)
Ehh… (wavy hand gesture)
YELLOW (overlapping)
I just don’t like dogs.
BENTON
Well if someone just dropped a dog in front of you, would you leave it to die? Would you be so heartless?
DUCK
Yes.
RED (overlapping)
Depends on my schedule, honestly.
YELLOW (overlapping)
Well, maybe a little… small dog…?
BENTON
Well, in that case-
Benton’s legs retract and he sits on the ground for a second. When he stands up again, there’s an egg.
RED (in quiet resignation)
Oh no.
BENTON
OOOOOOOOOoohhhhhh my goodness, would you look at this??? Is that a poor, helpless, defenseless-
YELLOW
Egg?
The egg shakes slightly.
BENTON
Dog!
The egg splits in half perfectly, like an Easter egg, and inside is a real ass dog. Just a live action Jack Russell Terrier. Not a puppet.
Dog.
They all stare at the dog for a moment.
YELLOW (nervous)
It’s… a little bit cute…?
DUCK
Don’t encourage it!
RED
So do you just expect us to take care of this dog, then? We don’t know anything about dogs.
BENTON
That’s what I’m here to teach you!
RED
I thought it was-
[This is the part where he would get cut off by a two minute long song about some very bad animal care advice. We’re not going to write out lyrics or anything, just use your imagination]
The final notes of Benton’s song get interrupted as a comically large raindrop falls directly on his forehead. The puppets look up, revealing grey clouds haphazardly plastered over the sky. There’s a few more sporadic raindrops.
BENTON
Oh. I don’t like that much. No, I don’t like that one bit, actually.
He wobbles casually to the door, opens it with his mouth, and squeezes into the house. All without acknowledging the others.
DUCK
He’s getting into our house!
RED
Well… I guess we’re following him, then?
The rain is coming down harder now.
RED (to YELLOW)
You coming?
Yellow, who until now had been distracted by petting their new cool live action dog (because he likes little dogs actually, who knew?) looks up.
YELLOW
Hm? Oh, yeah, right, I- um-
He stands up, brushes himself off, and gently grabs at the dog’s collar to lead it towards the house.
YELLOW (cont.)
Come on, we- we’re going inside!
Duck and Red make it into the house, but before Yellow can lead the dog inside, Benton pokes his head through the door.
BENTON
Woah, hold on, you’re not letting that thing inside, are you?
YELLOW
Huh…?
BENTON
You can’t let a dog in the house, he’s soaking wet! Think of what he’ll do to the upholstery!
Yellow looks back and forth between the dog (a dog) and Benton (also a dog).
YELLOW (confused)
But- but he’s- and you’re in the- why is-
Benton stretches his neck out towards Yellow, only a few centimeters away from him.
BENTON (matter-of-factly)
Let’s get you inside, then? Before you catch your death of cold!
Yellow screams as Benton bites Yellow’s arm and yanks him inside, before the door slams all by itself.
The dog looks confused, whines, scratches at the door a couple times.
It starts raining even harder.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
The three are sitting at their respective spots at the table. They’re all trying to ignore Benton, who’s currently laying on the floor and gnawing on a rain boot.
Red starts tapping his hands on the table. It’s not very loud, but like most things, it makes Duck irrationally angry.
DUCK
Quit making all that racket!
RED
It’s not that loud.
DUCK
It is from where I’m sitting! You and that mangy hound, you’re both making a racket!
RED
What’s he doing anyway?
DUCK
Why don’t you just look and see for yourself.
RED
I’m worried he’ll take it as a sign of aggression. Or worse; friendship.
DUCK
Fine, I’ll look then. Coward.
Duck looks over at Benton.
DUCK (cont.)
He’s just chewing on a- HEY, THAT’S MY SHOE!
Duck stomps offscreen to presumably get his shoe back. Red goes back to tapping on the table.
As this is happening, Yellow hops down from his chair and slowly drags it to the window by the sink (this is difficult, because he is very small). Off screen, Benton is growling a lot.
He gazes forlornly out the window, seen from outside, with rain hitting the glass. It’s all very dramatic, but behind him we can see Duck fighting Benton for his shoe. Duck is losing.
Cut back to indoors, Duck is no longer in the frame.
RED
So, uh, how long does it rain for? Like, generally speaking?
Cut back to Yellow looking all dramatic in the window.
YELLOW (forlorn)
I- I’m not sure…
In the background, Benton has Duck grabbed by the neck and is shaking him violently like a chew toy. Yellow is too busy having a main character moment to even notice the growling and auto tuned screaming coming from a few feet behind him. It’s unclear whether Red notices, but if he does, he doesn’t seem to care.
Benton flings a completely limp Duck across the room (queue more auto tuned screaming) and looks out the window.
BENTON (like he didn’t just maul someone)
Oh, look! It’s stopped raining!
YELLOW (confused)
It has?
Yellow looks back to the window and outside is clear and sunny, like it had never rained at all.
YELLOW (cont.)
Oh. Huh. Neat!
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
Yellow is the first outside, followed by Red and Duck. They’re all wearing rain boots (even though one of Duck’s got thoroughly destroyed by Benton)
YELLOW (excited)
We’re back-
He pauses abruptly.
YELLOW (cont.)
Oh.
It isn’t shown directly, but judging by the cartoonish amount of flies circling the vague furry lump that’s just barely in frame, that dog is dead as hell.
Yellow points at it and turns back to the others.
YELLOW (cont.)
It’s doing the thing that you were doing but you were bad at!
Duck finally gets close enough to see what’s left of the dog.
DUCK
What do you- oh. Yes, he seems to be much better at… that. Better than me, at least.
RED
So what, are we doing this again?
Out of nowhere, Benton shoves his head between Red and Duck.
BENTON (sympathetically)
Ohhhhhhhh…… would you look at that……… caught his death of cold…… did you know dogs die if they get cold? My, my, who could’ve seen this coming? Bad luck, really!
RED
Well, I guess you can go then, we already know how to deal with this kind of thing. Let’s see… we need, uh, floorboards? Margarine?
DUCK
A portable music player?
RED
Right, yeah, portable music player.
YELLOW (quietly)
I don’t… want… another… funeral.
Benton overhears this and laughs obnoxiously.
BENTON
A funeral?! You want to hold a funeral? For the dog???
Yellow shrinks in on himself.
YELLOW
Well is- isn’t that what you do when people… when they- um… go away…?
BENTON
It’s a dog, stupid! They aren’t people!
Benton shoves all three of the puppets out of the way (he does this a lot) and leans down to what’s left of the dog.
BENTON (cont.)
But don’t worry, I’m not mad at you!
He abruptly takes a huge bite out of the dog, shaking his head as he rips the skin from its body and swallows it without chewing.
BENTON (cont.)
It’s not your fault you’re inexperienced!
Another bite, more fur and flesh come away as the flies all scatter into a swarm.
BENTON (cont.)
Responsibility takes a bit of getting used to.
Benton speaks calmly, even as he takes mouthful after mouthful of gore and viscera and shakes it violently before swallowing.
BENTON (cont.)
This was just a learning experience!
There’s a horrible cracking noise as he fully decapitates the dog. He holds its tiny head in his mouth, before slowly, slowly biting down, until the whole thing splits, making a sound like crushing a pumpkin with your bare hands. He swallows that, too.
He turns to the trio, mouth and front legs absolutely covered in gore.
BENTON (cont.)
Besides, everyone deserves a second chance.
Benton sits down, legs folded up in the doghouse bit. When he stands up, there’s another egg.
YELLOW
Is that a-
BENTON
A second chance!
The egg splits open, revealing a creature that could probably be considered a dog. The guys look at it rather skeptically.
DUCK
Eugh… bit of an ugly thing, isn’t it?
BENTON
Dogs come in all shapes and sizes!
RED
Yeah, but this one’s shaped… bad.
DUCK
Not aerodynamic at all!
Benton twitches in annoyance.
BENTON
Well that’s too bad, isn’t it? Too bad, because this is your only second chance! So what will we do differently this time, hm?
YELLOW
You wouldn’t let us take the dog inside… when it was cold. Dogs don’t like the cold…
BENTON
That’s right, the cold killed it! You really shouldn’t have let that happen. So how do we keep the dog from getting cold?
DUCK
A scarf?
YELLOW
The microwave!
RED (frustrated)
Letting them inside???
BENTON
A doghouse!
RED
Why can’t we just let it sleep- I dunno, under the table, or- in the broom closet or something???
BENTON
Would you let a dog eat at the dinner table?
YELLOW
Ye-
BENTON
No! Because pets aren’t people, and if you let them do whatever they want, they’ll be telling you what to do before you know it, and then you’d be the pet, and you don’t want that!
DUCK
No dog will tell me what to do!
BENTON
Oh! Would you look at that! It’s getting dark out! You’d best get inside, you don’t want to be out in the dark, do you?
There’s a poorly executed (on purpose) jump cut and suddenly it is very much night time.
DUCK
Well, there’s no arguing with that!
BENTON
Come on, in you go!
Benton starts shoving them towards the door.
INT. KITCHEN - “NIGHT”
The guys are all sitting around the table as usual. Yellow is distracted, occasionally glancing out the window.
RED
So… what do we do about the dog?
DUCK
I thought we agreed, she’ll sleep in the doghouse.
YELLOW
Dogs can be girls…!?
DUCK
Well, of course they can be girls! Her collar was pink, wasn’t it? That’s a girl thing!
YELLOW
Wow… dogs that are girls…
He goes back to staring out the window.
RED
Well, we don’t actually
have
a doghouse, so until we
get
a doghouse, what should we do?
DUCK
Hmm…
Duck looks at Yellow looking out the window.
DUCK
That’s it! We watch the dog all night to keep her safe!
RED
You can. I’m not sitting outside all night.
DUCK
Well neither am I, but someone has to do it.
Red and Duck stare at each other for a second, seeing who will break first. The thought seems to strike both of them at the same time, and in perfect sync, they slowly turn towards Yellow.
YELLOW
Huh? What are you guys talking about?
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT
Yellow is sitting on the ground, staring at the dog in a wooden doghouse with a red painted roof. She’s tied up to a post with a comically large chain.
Yellow is wearing Duck’s overcoat, holding a flashlight, and has a couple “activities” to do, including a Rubik’s cube that’s all one color and an incredibly dense book on the history of hat pins.
He starts absentmindedly clicking the flashlight on and off, making the dog snort and roll over. Yellow freezes, 100% convinced this thing is going to eat him.
Yellow stays quiet for a few more seconds.
YELLOW (quietly, cautiously)
…………’m sorry I think you’re scary. You’re only… a little, tiny amount scary.
The dog, still very much asleep, doesn’t seem to notice.
YELLOW (cont.)
It’s not your fault you’re all… slobbery and- and gross and have big teeth, so…
He scoots slightly closer.
YELLOW (cont.)
We can be friends may-maybe, if you… want.
Yellow puts out his hand, and the dog immediately licks it with her huge slimy tongue. Yellow recoils and immediately starts rubbing his hand in the grass to wipe off the slobber.
YELLOW (cont.)
M-maybe we can be friends if you stop doing that maybe.
EXT. HOUSE - MORNING
Yellow wakes up with a start and realizes he's fallen asleep. He looks around for the dog, but when he turns around all he can see is Benton, on the ground, licking his paws clean.
YELLOW
How c-could- but I- I didn’t mean to-
BENTON
Are you trying to ask what happened to it?
Yellow nods.
BENTON (cont.)
Well… I’m not sure how to tell you this, but…
Benton leans in closer.
BENTON (cont.)
It left because you didn’t love it! Bad luck, isn’t it?
YELLOW
But- but I-
BENTON
I heard from some grapevine or another you called it… slobbery? And gross and scary? Well- I’d probably leave too!
YELLOW
I didn’t- I didn’t mean to, it- I was just-
Benton circles his neck around Yellow.
BENTON
These things take effort, you know. If you really want a dog, you've got to put the work in, you can't just leave it and expect it to sort itself out.
YELLOW
I- I’m-
BENTON
Oh chin up, will you? Mistakes happen, everyone deserves a second second chance.
EXT. HOUSE - LIKE TWO MINUTES LATER
Everyone is standing in a circle, looking down at the camera. But actually they’re looking at a new, weirder “dog”.
DUCK
So. The bitch is dead.
He can say this because he’s referring to a female dog.
RED
Because we didn’t… love it enough? That can kill dogs?
DUCK
It would probably kill me!
Duck, you whore.
YELLOW
So we need to… love the dog. How do we do that?
RED
We could give him a name. Just calling him “the dog” doesn’t seem very nice.
DUCK
What’s wrong with that? I think Dog is a perfectly fine name!
RED
Yeah, you would.
YELLOW
Can we call him Grolton?
DUCK
That's a man's name.
RED
So what's a dog name?
DUCK(like he’s the best dog namer this side of the Mississippi)
Well let’s see… obviously there’s Spot, Fido, Tracker…
Duck looks at Red expectantly.
RED
…What?
DUCK
Aren’t you going to help?
RED
I thought you were doing the naming… thing.
DUCK
It’s a group activity!
RED
Oh, uh, right.
Red awkwardly looks around, looking for anything in the immediate area that could possibly be a dog name.
RED (cont.)
How about… Tree? Erm… Cloud? Dirt?
YELLOW
Grolton!
DUCK
Nosewise, Richard, Gaylord…
RED
Brick? Moss? Lawn Chair???
Yellow is bouncing on his toes.
YELLOW
Grolton!!!
DUCK (to Yellow)
You can’t just keep suggesting the same name!
YELLOW
… Hovris?
DUCK
Yes! That’s the one!
RED
Oh yeah, that's pretty good.
DUCK
Hovris it is, then!
They turn around towards the dog.
DUCK (cont.)
You hear that? Your new name is-
The dog's fucking gone.
YELLOW
… Hovris?
RED
Oh no.
Offscreen sound effect of rummaging through bins and tools. The guys look over to see it’s coming from the shed. Also, there’s a shed now.
DUCK
He’s in the shed! Get him!!
RED
Wow. New shed.
Yellow approaches the shed.
YELLOW
Hovris? Is that you in the shed?
The rummaging abruptly stops.
DUCK
It is! He’s guilty and he knows it!
RED
Should we… go get him?
DUCK
Oh. Yes.
The inside of the shed is dark, and as the door opens, the light from outside seems much brighter by comparison. It silhouettes the guys until they lean in to see the carnage inside. They are shocked and horrified as much as their static puppet faces can show.
Cut around to show the guys’ perspective. Hovris is on the ground, in a puddle of red and blue liquid. Benton is standing over him with a wrench in his mouth. He quickly spits it out, throwing it across the shed. It crashes offscreen.
BENTON (with fake sympathy)
Well, would you look at that!
YELLOW
What… happened to… Hovris?
BENTON
Looks like he got into the antifreeze! Bad luck!
RED
What’s with all the blood…?
BENTON
Bonked his noggin, I suspect! Got all disorientated when his kidneys exploded!
Yellow seems like he's about to throw up.
DUCK
Are you going to eat this one too?
BENTON
No,
stupid
, this one’s poisoned!
YELLOW
So do we… have a funeral now?
BENTON
Obviously not. I’ll give you one more chance to get this right!
He is, in fact, about to give them many more chances.
Time for a dead dog montage!
Every time a new “dog” is shown onscreen it’s significantly weirder than the last one. A few of them are animals other than dogs. One of them is a real dead fish. We’ll let you decide which ones, this is an exercise in imagination.
There’s disconnected shots of “dogs” dying in various comical ways, including but not limited to:
- Getting hit by a car in the middle of an idyllic field where they were playing fetch.
- Drowning in a bathtub with three inches of water in it.
- Drinking antifreeze again (dogs fucking love antifreeze).
- Getting stuck in a tree, and falling out of said tree into a woodchipper.
- Sent to the knacker like a horse with a broken leg.
- Chocolate.
- Struck by lightning in the middle of the living room.
After the unfortunate and comical demise of every dog, Benton says “Bad luck!” in the same fake sympathetic, patronizing tone.
We come out of the montage and the three look completely exhausted, which is completely reasonable.
Duck glares at Benton, who’s busy licking his paws clean, again. They’re stained pink, along with most of his muzzle.
DUCK
Right, well, we’ve had enough second chances, I think.
BENTON (politely…?)
Oh, so you’re a failure? Is that it? You’re a quitter and a failure who’s going to disappoint everyone?
DUCK
Well, I never said that-
BENTON
Lovely! That means you won’t mind one last chance!
Benton kicks an egg with his back leg towards the trio.
BENTON (cont.)
No more silly mistakes, now! You’re grown, you should know better, anyway.
Benton wobbles off screen and probably rolls around in the grass somewhere.
The three stare at the egg with quiet dread. They’re so done with this shit by now.
But the egg doesn’t move. They stare at it for a few more seconds. It’s not splitting open.
Red and Yellow look at each other, unsure.
Duck, on the other hand, with the confidence of someone who thinks he’s never been wrong in his life, proceeds to kick the shit out of it.
This has never gone wrong for him before.
The egg rolls a few times, then pops open. The camera pans over it to reveal a realistic Jack Russell Terrier skull, with a giant crack down the middle of the forehead.
RED
I’ve heard of dog bones, but this is ridiculous.
No one responds.
RED
Anyone? … Nothing? Okay…
Yellow shouts across the backyard to Benton.
YELLOW
Hey! You’ve got a bad egg!
Benton, suddenly behind Yellow, cranes his neck around to look at the skull of the dog he graphically ripped apart earlier.
BENTON (horrified)
Good lord! What did you do to him?
Duck immediately points to Yellow.
DUCK (lying through his fucking teeth)
He kicked the egg!
YELLOW
Wah- Did not!
RED
Wait, did you? That’s a bit rude, isn’t it?
YELLOW
I didn’t kick it-
Benton cuts him off with a deep, exaggerated sigh.
BENTON
Oh… you…
Still standing behind Yellow, Benton wraps his long neck around him so their heads are at the same level.
BENTON (cont.)
I should’ve known better, really.
YELLOW
W-what do you-
Yellow is cut off as Benton squeezes him like a boa constrictor.
BENTON (sympathetically)
It’s not your fault, really, it never was.
Yellow tries to wriggle free.
YELLOW (strained)
But you- you said-
Benton loops his neck around Yellow again. It just keeps getting longer.
The area around them darkens, Red and Duck can no longer be seen.
BENTON
I’m very disappointed in you, but some things can’t be helped. You can’t be helped, it seems.
Yellow is struggling to breathe.
BENTON (cont.)
You’ll always be a stupid, heartless, irresponsible little child that ruins everything he touches.
YELLOW (gasping for air)
You’re… hurting… me-
Benton wraps himself even tighter, then shoves his forehead to Yellow’s.
BENTON (gravely)
What you’re doing is only hurting yourself .
Some rustling is heard and all at once the lighting is back to normal.
Red kicks the backdoor open from inside the kitchen.
RED
You w-!
The door swings back and slams shut in his face. He opens the door again, carefully this time, and closes it behind him, politely. Now that all eyes are on him, he takes a second, clears his throat, and shouts:
RED
You want some cheese, you son of a bitch?!
Benton does want some cheese.
BENTON (abrupt)
You've got… cheese?
RED (suddenly feeling less cool)
Uh. Yeah. Dogs like cheese, right?
Benton stretches his neck to sniff at the cheese. In the close-up, we see that the cheese is covered in blue liquid.
DUCK
Why’s it blue?
Red does his best to shoot Duck a death glare without eyebrows.
RED (covering)
It’s blue cheese. It’s supposed to be blue.
Benton is still sniffing the cheese. He very suddenly chomps the cheese, getting Red’s hand in his mouth as well. Red is rather annoyed at this, and tries to shake Benton off while he growls.
RED
Hey, let go. Let go of me, you little freak.
Benton digs his heels in and pulls Red’s whole goddamn hand off. There’s blood and everything.
RED
Hey. That’s rude.
Benton swallows the hand and the cheese without chewing. He promptly begins going through all the stages of antifreeze poisoning at an accelerated rate.
He staggers around for a moment, then throws up a pile of bones and gore, all covered in blue ooze. He falls to the ground, convulsing, then goes limp.
YELLOW
Is… Is he dead?
RED
I… think-?
Benton pops back up again suddenly.
BENTON
Well! That sure was a nasty trick you played! I hope that little shock was worth becoming a
murderer!
DUCK
But you’re still alive!
BENTON
Don’t you know it’s the thought that counts?
Trying
makes you just as bad as… as…
Benton’s speech begins to slur, and his movements become slow and imprecise.
BENTON (cont.)
Well, you know. Someone who kills dogs! And that’sss one’a th’ wors’ things y’can be! So you’re reeeeally-
Benton vomits again. There’s less bones this time, and more antifreeze and blood. You’d think they’d combine into purple, but no. Blue and red both spill over the ground as Benton collapses, dead.
EXT. BACKYARD, SOME TIME LATER
Red has an oven mitt over where his missing hand should be, and it seems to be working just fine. He’s using a broom to sweep chunks of viscera into a dustpan that Yellow’s holding. Behind them, Duck is mopping blood and antifreeze off the grass.
DUCK
Is that all of it?
RED
Yeah, I think that’s it. (to Yellow) C’mon.
Red and Yellow go to the doghouse formerly known as Benton, pick it up, and drag it across the yard. His legs and extended neck drag along behind them. Duck scoops up the limbs and places them in a heap on top of the pile, then Red and Yellow place the doghouse shell over everything.
They all take a moment to step back and look at it.
YELLOW
I really fucking hate dogs.
RED and DUCK (in unison)
Agreed.
ROLL CREDITS