Work Text:
squad, 🧓 edition
Theo: guys
Theo: gals
Theo: nonbinary spouse
Theo: is bruce fucking kidding?? did he learn nothing from me? 😡
[multiple people are typing]
Jason: …I told him to warn you
Max: Uh ooooooh
Dick: I mean Gotham NEEDS a Batman
Tim: actually Bruce didn’t want to give this guy the suit, took a lot of convincing
Damian: What did my father… oh. I see. MY FATHER PASSED THE BATSUIT TO SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME, HIS BLOOD?
Max: Uh oooooooh 👀
Theo: damian that’s not the issue here
Damian: To you, maybe, Vitalis. To me it is very deeply the issue. I am only THIRTY TWO.
Steph: maybe like… take it up with him?
Duke: Do I get any say in this, as the person in here who most recently (like 20 years ago but w/e) became a member of this weird ass family?
Babs: I am going to have to, for legal reasons as commissioner, leave this groupchat
Babs & Bruce
Babs: So
Babs: Did you suddenly get really young and strong again?
Babs: Or is there someone else in the suit?
Bruce: Hello Barbara
Babs: Hello Bruce
Bruce: Do I have to answer this question?
Babs: I think you know the answer to that
Bruce: …yes
Babs: Yes, what, Bruce?
Bruce: Their is someone new in the suit
Babs: A kid?
Bruce: Did Theo put you up to this?
Babs: Answer the question
Bruce: You can’t tell Theo. Yes. A kid. BUT HE MADE ME DO IT, BARBARA, I SWEAR.
Babs: Bruce, honey, you’re like 60, no one can make you do anything
Bruce: …he was very convincing? Ace liked him?
Babs: Oh well if the DOG liked him
Bruce: Exactly, I knew you’d understand
Damian & Bruce
Damian: Father
Damian: Father
Damian: Father
Damian: Father
Damian: Do not ignore me I demand answers
Bruce: Aren’t you a little old to be acting this petulant?
Damian: Fuck you, father
Bruce: Wow
Bruce: Rude
Bruce: What ever happened to respect your elders?
Damian: What ever happened to family first?
Bruce: Is this about Terry?
Damian: SO THAT’S HIS NAME
Bruce: Shit
Damian & Theo
Damian: I have acquired a name
Theo: 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀
Damian: All father gave me was Terry but I am a very smart man and was able to narrow it down based on height, weight, and ability to a Gotham High student by the name of Terry Mcginnis. His father worked for our corporation before our CEO, Derek Powers, had him killed
Theo: i hate this town
Damian: Then leave.
Theo: fuck you
Bruce & Terry
Bruce: So… uh… You might have an angry man child coming after you soon
Terry: excuse me?????
Bruce: My son found out that you took on the mantle of Batman
Terry: YOU HAVE A SON?
Bruce: I… Yes, do you know NOTHING about me, Terrence?
Terry: 🙄 I told you not to call me that, Mr. Wayne
Bruce: Apologies
Bruce: Do you know NOTHING about me, Terry?
Terry: …admittedly, I am but a shallow teenage boy with no interest in the news cycle
Bruce: Bullshit
Terry: yeah bullshit but… no offense, Bruce, other than you employing my dad at your company, which you don’t even run anymore, I really forgot you existed
Bruce: People are being very rude to me today
Terry: why doesn’t your son own the company?
Bruce: It’s a long story
Unknown Number & Terry
Unknown: do you need help?
Terry: who is this
Unknown: a friend
Terry: is this Damian Wayne? are you trying to trick me into giving up the suit?
Unknown: absolutely not
Terry: because it’s not going to work, I basically had to beat Bruce in a fist fight to get this suit, I’m not giving in 💪
Unknown: jesus
Unknown: you beat up an old man?
Terry: NO NOT ACTUALLY
Unknown: I’m a CPS agent but I can still report elder abuse and then how will you be Batman?
Bruce & Terry
Terry: Bruce, do you know any CPS agents?
Bruce: Oh for Christ’s SAKE
Bruce & Theo
Bruce: Vitalis
Theo: Wayne
Bruce: Aren’t you retired yet?
Theo: aren’t YOU?
Bruce: By popular demand, I am as of a week ago
Bruce: Stop harassing Terry
Bruce: How did you get his number?
Theo: wouldn’t you like to know?
Unknown Number & Terry
Unknown: You are not worthy.
Terry: oh YOU must be Damian Wayne 👀
Unknown: You have no evidence of this fact.
Terry: lol give me like 2 minutes
[Unknown Number is typing]
Unknown: Why?
Unknown: What you are doing?
Damian: Terrence Mcginnis what are you doing?
Terry: [Image: A search engine result for the phone number currently texting him, linked back to a ‘Damian Wayne,’ including an image of the black haired, blue eyed man in a nice tuxedo at a Wayne charity event.]
Damian: Oh, I see. You are crafty.
Damian: But not worthy. The suit should be mine.
Terry: take it up with your dad, bro
Damian: Why does everyone keep saying that? He doesn’t listen to me!
Terry: dude’s stubborn, he didn’t listen to me when I pointed out that being Batman was clearly killing him but here we are. I have the suit.
Damian: …I don’t think I like you.
Terry: join the club, though the Powers family already have the president and vice president positions
squad, 🧓 edition
Damian: We must eliminate Terrence Mcginnis
Theo: we are not killing a child, Damian
Jason: idk, I like him
Dick: yeah he swung by Bludhaven last night and helped my men tie up some goons
Dick: @Babs, how’s he been in Gotham?
Babs: Dick, I really don’t think as police commissioners we should continue to participate in these conversations
Dick: blah blah blah, so mature
Babs: I want a divorce
Dick: sorry guys, I’m out
[Dick Grayson has left the groupchat]
[Barbara Gordon has left the groupchat]
Steph: Well, fuck
Cass: Why did you have to alienate my parents?
Tim: ????? Cass, Babs and Dick aren’t your parents
Cass: To you
[Cassandra Cain has left the groupchat]
[Theo Vitalis has added Cassandra Cain back to the groupchat]
Theo: Timothy, apologize to Cass
Tim: we are ADULTS… but sorry…
Max: literally no one except for me acts like an adult in this groupchat
Max: well no one left, Babs was very mature
[Multiple people are typing]
Jason: WHAT THE FUCK
Theo: YOU’RE MY SPOUSE, SUPPORT ME
Steph: I’d like to argue I’m more mature than Tim
Duke: I think, out of all of the children you once adulted over here, you could argue I’m pretty mature
Max: oh hey Duke
Theo: yeah, Duke 👍 you grew up way before you needed to, which like, was really sad, but this isn’t the place to talk about that probably
[The groupchat lulls for a few minutes]
Bernard: hi I know I don’t talk much in here but I would like to say thank you for letting me in on the identity of the new Batman, I just think he’s neat
Bernard: [Image: A .gif of Marg Simpson holding a potato with the caption “I just think they’re neat”]
Theo: Bernard, never change
Jason: Anyway… the new Batman?
Damian: Eliminate him, brother.
Jason: But why? I’m glad Bruce finally is getting some needed rest
Theo: HE IS A CHILD. you, Damian, are a GROWN ADULT as you like to remind us
Damian: Therefore, you should support me in taking on the mantle of the Bat
Theo: dude, I do, but you cannot propose ELIMINATING a CHILD to get it
Damian: I hate this family
Max: aw, we hate you too, kiddo
Damian: I AM THIRTY TWO
Duke: You don’t act like it though 😂
Damian: Thomas, I don’t know if I ever liked you.
Theo & Terry
Theo: let me try again
Theo: hi! I’m Theo Vitalis, a local CPS agent
Terry: 😮💨 hi
Theo: do you understand that you have put yourself in danger?
Terry: …I’m not STUPID, I’m sixteen
Theo: EXACTLY
Terry: I’m old enough to emancipate
Theo: But have you?
Terry: …no????
Theo: so if I told the CPS agent who worked with your mom to help you and Matt transition after your father’s death, the agent who happens to be my partner and very best friend, to tell your mother that you are Batman… what would you do?
Terry: why would you do that?
Theo: to protect you?
Terry: did you do this to the Robins?
Theo: I TRIED BUT THEY THWARTED ME
Terry: …I’m blocking you
Theo: no wait we can work this out
[Message failed to send]
Theo: fuck
[Message failed to send]
Bruce & Theo
Theo: [Image: A screencap of the above conversation]
Theo: your mini-me blocked me
Bruce: I think you deserved it
Theo: RUDE
Bruce: that’s what I’ve been saying
Bruce & Terry
Bruce: [Image: A screencap of the above conversation]
Bruce: you are causing me ISSUES
Terry: this has gotten out of hand
Terry: [Image: A screencap of his earlier conversation with Damian]
Bruce: OH FOR FUCKS SAKE THIS FAMILY
Groupchat
[Bruce Wayne has created a groupchat]
[Bruce Wayne has added Theo Vitalis to the groupchat]
[Bruce Wayne has added Damian Wayne to the groupchat]
[Bruce Wayne has added Max Vitalis to the groupchat]
[Max Vitalis has changed the chat name to “this is an intervention 🛑”]
Theo: what is this?
Max: It’s in the name, love
Damian: I do not need an intervention, I need justice
Max: You are proving our point
Damian: Father, why is Theo’s spouse involved in this?
Bruce: I needed a third party
Bruce: a… fourth party?
Bruce: I needed an impartial party
Theo: how is my spouse an impartial party?
Max: I would do anything for you, Theo, but I also need to point out that you are almost to the point of retirement and are frankly harassing a CHILD
Max: [Image: The screenshot Theo had sent Bruce of his conversation with Terry]
Max: [Image: The screenshot Terry had sent Bruce of his conversation with Damian]
Max: This is ridiculous
Theo: I’m just doing my JOB
Max: Love… think this through
Damian: I am in the right here
Theo: no you’re not
Theo: I see now how I may be harassing a child
Theo: in my defense, I didn’t know Damian was being aggressive AT Terry, just ABOUT Terry
Bruce: You have both gone too far
GOTHAM CITY NEWS REPORT
Two New Batmen?
Recently, Gothamites may have noticed our friendly neighborhood Batman had a new spring in his step! It was recently leaked by a source, who we are not allowed to name but rhymes with Bed Stood, that there is a new face behind the mask! We still never found out who the original Batman was, but who doesn’t love a mystery man?
The new batsuit is pretty sharp, too, this reporter might add. With a fancy new red logo and sharp ears, this suit is clearly designed for sneaking right behind our Gotham baddies and taking! Them! Out! Super schway, as the kids these days say.
But just last night, we spotted… another Batman? This one was rocking that classic suit we all know and love, but still with more get up and go than we’d been seeing from our favorite vigilante in recent years. And in case you thought this was the same hero in two different suits, you’ll be fascinated to know this Batman was spotted alongside the other Batman fighting side-by-side. They’re not in sync the way Batman was with his usual Batcrew but hopefully we’ll see them get there!
As always, keep an eye on this news feed for updates on our Gotham vigilantes. You know we love ‘em! For now, keep it fresh and light, Gothamites!
Damian & Terry
Terry: [Link to the above article]
Terry: Pretty schway, huh?
Damian: I still don’t like you. Or that word.
Terry: aw, thanks pal