Chapter Text
JD sat on a bench outside the park, shivering under his running outfit while constantly looking around for his dad's car to pull up. His cross-country friends from school had already left, all excited to spend Thanksgiving with their families. He swallowed past a lump in his throat and kept his attention counting cars driving away. He fiddled with the grey medal in his pocket, brushing against the intricate embossing and the silky ribbon.
Disappointment sat on his shoulders, and he shoved the medal further into his pocket. He was minutes behind third, and wasn't close to fourth. Although it was his first year participating in the adult's turkey run, it burnt to his core.
'Mom and dad don't have to know that.' He told himself, wrapping the medal and ribbon in a tight ball in his pocket. 'I can be happy about fifth. It's really not that bad for my first time. I'll just... Not tell them. No, I will. They'll be fine with it. I'll be fine with it.'
He tried to appreciate the fleeting calm, but disrupting images of what the next couple of hours would be like popped up. What pointless fights would occur this year, what aspect of his appearance his brother would mock him for, or how 'hot' his mom's new boyfriend is- without caring that his dad could hear the whole time...
Every thought tied a knot in his stomach, tensing his aching body further. Warm, light voices from behind interrupted his thoughts. He looked over his shoulder and watched the small group of brightly-clothed athletes walking out of the park, laughing and talking over undoubtedly amazing stories. He recognised a few of them, particularly the tall, light-haired man who offered JD water after the race. His handsome smile jammed JD's words, but he had managed to choke out something resembling a 'thank you'.
Perhaps he should pass the time by talking to someone rather than entertain the anxious thoughts in his head.
He stood from the bench, wincing as his body stiffened against the sudden movement, but halted at the sound of a jittery car engine before he could walk more than a few steps. His dad stopped at the curb, and J.D. looked back at the group one last time before turning back to the car.
"Hey, Johnny!" JDs dad greeted him as soon as he opened the door. "How was the race? Good?"
"Actually, yeah. I... I came fifth overall." He said as he snapped his seatbelt in, determined to be proud of himself- as shaky as his foundation was.
"You'll come first next year; I know it." His dad smiled back at him as he drove away, but his smile sat awkwardly on his cheeks as though he was already thinking of something else.
"Maybe," JD recalled the perfect, actual athletes who came before him, more grown-up and confident than he had felt.
‘At what point do I start feeling like an adult?' He wondered. He'd been eighteen for a few months; would the feeling kick in once he started college? Sitting back, he placed himself in the photos of California that he always searched for, warming up under the intense heat and bright blue skies, if his choices would accept him. Everyone told him he had nothing to worry about, but nothing soothed the winding coil in his chest.
"I might be in a different town next year anyway."
His dad glanced over at him, but J.D. resisted the urge to take his gaze off anywhere but the horizon.
"You won't be so busy as to not visit for the holidays, right?" He asked, his light tone falling flat halfway.
‘I should have walked instead..' He thought, his heart suddenly aching to that lonesome bench. "Definitely. I'll be back, I promise."
He wasn't sure why he promised. It didn't mean anything, and he wondered if his dad thought the same. Neither spoke for a long moment, and the silence nipped at his clammy skin. Questions he didn't want to ask filled his mind, but he figured his dad was late due to a ‘work emergency' of some kind, or a client who wasn't happy and couldn't wait a day to get things fixed because they were too miserable to let anyone enjoy the holiday.
Although Thanksgiving wasn't good for much, at least he'll see his brother for the first time in months. Despite the inevitable injuries and fights checking off in his head, JD couldn't hold back his smile.
"Did you hear? Dan's bringing a friend with him." His dad said, as though they thought the same thing.
"Oh? Who?" It had been long since anyone was allowed to come over for a holiday, unless his mom was dating them.
"It's a.. Perry, I think he said?" His dad concentrated on the busy road ahead. "They're in the same fraternity, and he's on the football team with him."
Disappointment and dread shot down J.D's spine, and he envisioned what Perry would be like as though he was infront of him; just as boisterous and loud as his brother, and maybe equally as mature.
"I really don't want to spend today getting bullied by another Dan."
"No, you'll like him." His dad reassured him. "Apparently he's wanting to be a doctor like you. Maybe he can show you a thing or two before you start college."
Curiosity mixed with his anxiety, combining into an odd wave of excitement. Did he already have a speciality or med school in mind? How easy was it to balance his sports with studying? Perhaps J.D. had overlooked his brother's college, and this holiday, much too quickly.
* * *
Once they arrived, J.D. barely paused to greet his mom before excusing himself upstairs. He had tipped his bag over his bed and grabbed his clean outfit, dashing into the washroom as thought he could outrun the growing tension between his parents.
He stood in the shower for much longer than necessary, pressing his forehead against the cool tiles of the wall. The rushing water blocked out his thoughts, creating a small pocket of peace. He closed his eyes, and the warmth took him to California again. The sun hit his body, easing away the stiffness of the cold. The ease dissolved into longing, but trying to grip onto the fantasy only pulled it faster from him. It left him emptier, with nothing but the draft and the white noise.
'It's not that long until Summer.' He told himself, opening his eyes back to reality. 'How long have I been in here?'
He stepped f the shower, rubbing warmth back into his skin with his towel before it dissipated in the same instance. The cold tensed his stomach, already hardened by the waves of anxiety gripping him. Were Dan and Perry already here? How long until they would be? What if he or Perry says something stupid and causes a huge fight to break out again? What if someone comments on what JD is eating? Is Perry the type of guy to say something homophobic? If he is, would JD be better off saying nothing? But what if that encouraged him more? Or worse, what if Dan had already told him about JD's sexuality?
Tension spasmed through his jaw, and JD let out a quiet hiss. He paused with his towel wrapped around him like a cloak, forcing himself to feel the fabric as though he could count the fibres.
'Of course Dan wouldn't do that. Not after what happened last time. It's fine. It's all fine.' He told himself over and over again, emphasising each breath in and out. 'I just need to get through today, then I'll never have to do today again. It's fine. Everything's fine.'
He took another long, slow breath, and his stomach slightly eased. His chest was still coiled into a spring, but at least he stopped shaking, and his thoughts slowed to only one per second. He folded out each article of clothing, boring down as though putting on socks or underwear was the most crucial thing in the world.
'Everyone will be watching you.' A voice said.
'No, they won't.' He told himself, buttoning up his trousers with a sharpened focus until he was confident he could sketch each fold if he closed his eyes. He reached out to the counter to grab his shirt, but it was blank.
He glanced down at the floor, but it wasn't there either. Was it hanging up? No, not there either. It didn't seem to be anywhere.
"Damn it..." He huffed to himself. It must still be in his bag, or he dropped it on the way. He opened the bathroom door to glance down the hall, only to lock eyes with a stranger standing by his brother's door.
His breath faltered. The stranger froze, keeping one hand on Dan's bedroom door and the other holding a rough leather bag. He blinked at J.D., his body tense as stone as his freckled face settled between surprise and mild offence, as though J.D. had walked into the wrong reality. He wasn't sure whether to focus on the stranger's curled, russet-coloured hair, his stern, sharpened face with his icy-blue eyes, or the rest of his broad, toned body. He didn't think to look away from him, but the stranger didn't seem to think to do the same either.
Neither of them spoke. Neither of them moved.
"You're..." JD forced a greeting out of his tightened throat. "You must be Perry, right?"
He glanced up and down at JD. His blank, unimpressed expression prickled JD's skin.
"And you're Johnny."
"Most people call me JD."
"Ok."
JD's heart thumped furiously in his chest, and heat flushed from him in waves. ‘That shower was hotter than I expected it to be..' He told himself, pulling away his gaze before it could overwhelm him. "Good. Alright... I'll see you downstairs."
He walked past Perry, growing more self-conscious as he pretended that Perry wasn't silently judging him the whole time, and it took everything for JD not to look back or forget how to walk. He closed the door behind him and let out a shaky breath.
"What the fuck was that..?" He whispered to himself, leaning against the door and hiding his burning face with his hands. "Oh, God. I must have looked like an idiot.."
He didn't dare move, in case it would alert him again. Why did he have to be upstairs at that moment? Why didn't J.D. make sure he brought his shirt with him?
'He must think I'm so weird already.' He leaned his head against the door, whacking the awkward encounter out. 'Ok. Well.. At least he knows what to expect from me now.'
Why couldn't he be normal around guys, just for once?
* * *
J.D. peered through the crack of his door, half-expecting Perry to be standing there after 10 minutes. The hallway was empty, and he forced a slow breath as he stepped out. The TV blared from downstairs, with it's unious cheers and peircing whistles, and then a roaring cheer from his brother and father. 'Football..' He groaned inwardly, but then shook away the thought. 'Maybe with Perry here, I won't have to watch it with them.'
The sounds from the living room drowned out the soft squeaking of the stairs as he travelled down, and nobody seemed to notice when he got to the bottom. Perhaps he could slip into the kitchen before anybody could see him-
"Johnny!"
A great mass crashed into JD, throwing him forwards and then snapped off the ground. Before he could let out a startled yelp, his brother crushed the air from him.
"Dan-! Let me down!" He squeaked out, wriggling fruitlessly in his brother's grip. His feet touched the ground a moment later, but he was still stuck.
"What? I'm just saying hello to my baby brother, nothing wrong with that." He tousled JD's hair over his face, ignoring his protests. "Wow, I expected a lot more product there. Good job."
At last he let go, and JD rested himself against the bannister as he wheezed back his breath. Dan laughed, and only laughed harder when JD glared at him.
"I couldn't breath!" He brushed his hair back to a more natural style.
"You're fine."
"You could have broken a rib or two." He huffed, wondering for a split-second if Dan would take it as a challenge. Instead, he looked away, still smiling.
"Perry! This is Johnny, my brother."
JD turned his head to meet Perry's gaze as he walked from the kitchen, water bottle in hand. Frustration melted into nerves in an instant. JD opened his mouth to speak, to say anything his brain could come up with, but nothing came from his dry throat. Perry gave him a small nod; he didn't say anything else, but it was enough to shoot prickling flames to JD's skin.
"You've not met Perry yet, have you? " Dan gripped Perry's shoulder, pulling him into awkward half-hug. Perry looked away, grumbling something nobody else could hear. "He almost beat me for quarterback, and we've been friends ever since."
Perry rolled his eyes, which Dan either ignored or couldn't see, and JD struggled his face straight. "Mm-hm. Best friends."
"Don't take it personally if he says anything to you, that's just what he's like." Dan gave Perry another pat on the shoulder, before leaving the two behind to get back to his seat. "That's everyone that still visits us. C'mon, the game's starting again."
He expected Perry to return to the football gae, or to say something at least. Instead, he stood in the hallway with JD, his thumb mindlessly running over the bottle's cap. Perhaps Dan was being sarcastic with his last comment.
"Hi." JD settled with.
"Hey."
JD glanced towards the living room, confused by the mass of colours dashing across the screen. "Uh- Is your team winning?"
His father and Dan exploded with noise as a whistle blew from the TV, making JD flinch.
"Not anymore." He said, and JD couldn't resist a soft laugh. What did Perry do to make the simplest things seem so humorous? He looked back at JD. "Are you watching?"
"No, football isn't really my thing." He trailed off, glancing behind Perry towards the kitchen. "I'm usually the one helping mom out, anyway."
"Right, your brother said something like that." There was the slightest tip of his head as he continued to watch JD. "What is your thing, then?"
"You mean like other sports?" JD blinked, briefly forgetting what he did. "Mostly cross-country and swimming when the club has competitions- but that's more of a job than an actual sport to me." He said. "And there's the theatre club, which Danny keeps saying isn't a sport. I say when you take into account all the time and energy we have to put into it, it's really-"
"- You're not already boring Perry with your acting stuff, are you?" Dan called out, barely looking over his shoulder. "He's not interested in that kind of stuff."
Realisation knocked the air out of JD, his stomach plummeting. Shit- Of course, he's not interested; he only asked about sports. Real sports. How long was JD rambling for?
"Right. Sorry." He didn't look up as he ducked into the kitchen, hardly hearing the conversation he left behind.
The different scents and humidity hit JD as he walked in. His mother stood by the countertop, trailing a sentence in an old recipe book, and the tension melted from his shoulders in an instant.
"Mom!" He squeezed her into a hug before she had the time to turn around. With a little wriggle room, she was able to hug back. "Sorry I took so long, I ran into Dan and Perry out there."
"That's alright, I'm sure it was lovely to catch up with him again." His mother said, gently rubbing JD's back. "It's nice that he brought his friend, as odd as he seems."
JD huffed in amusement, although he was sure Perry could be described better. He was interesting for sure, certainly not what he expected. 'Not that that's a bad thing' He thought, pulling away from his mom.
"So, what can I help with?"
* * *
Distracted by his tasks and their mundane conversations, JD forgot the tension from before. He rambled about his school's 'Little Shop of Horrors' production and how much there was still to do until the premiere. He went on about the lab report he was in the middle of, and the literature essay he had just finished. He could tell his mother felt more engaged when the topic of work came up, and he settled into the middle area they could both relate to. At least he was able to avoid talking about the earlier race.
His mother seemed happy to keep up the rest of the conversation, even going into detail about the guy she had started dating at work. Towards the end, JD was sure he knew the man well enough to pick him out of a line-up.
'At least she's happy..' He thought to himself, murmuring encouragingly in between his mother's pauses. However, her words start to drift up into the steam above him. 'What if he's another drunk? We don't need two of them.'
There was a long pause between them, but JD couldn't figure out how to fill it. Instead, he focused on stirring the gravy infront of him.
"How's the home? I hope your dad's not always working too late."
JD resisted the urge to look back at his mom, dreading the next topics of discussion that were sure to come up
"It's fine, really." He shrugged, but hastily added. "He's been working less hours in the evening lately, so he's usually there by the time I've gotten home."
"Hm." His mom's tone dropped a rock into his stomach. He said the wrong thing again. "Does that show in the food he prepares? Your father was never a great cook, but it's harder to keep a good diet without quality things. Especially when it's all frozen, I never understood his difficulties with feeding you two. Dan always came back so apathetic afterwards."
"I can cook for myself, anyway." J.D. said, staring into the thick, brown gravy as he stirred it around. The meaty, salty scent gripped his stomach. Perhaps he should have sat with the others. At least then he could have had any conservation he wanted in his head; best of all, he could easily leave any conversation in his head.
"Healthy cooking?"
"Yes, always. I know you don't like me trying anything else." He said, his fatigue ripping away his inner filter. He grabbed his filter back, scrambling to say as many good, normal words as he could. "It's all healthy as it can be. I tried making cauliflower rice the other night, but I wouldn't suggest it. It's.. It's pretty gross." He shuddered.
"Ah, good. I'll keep that in mind." His mom said, and JD relaxed his shoulders. "I suppose you are eighteen now. I'd expect most people that age to make good decisions, although some people continue to astound me."
'Can't imagine who you're comparing to there, mom.' JD resist the urge to roll his eyes. At least she stopped comparing him and his brother so bluntly, but the undertones were as loud as ever. "Yep."
The long pause came back. Maybe it would last until the meal was finally ready...
"Now that you're older." His mom repeated, and J.D. tensed again. Did he imagine her odd tone? "You could even move out if you wanted a change of pace."
"That's.. That's what I'm doing next summer." He said.
"I'm talking about before the next summer. Sometime sooner."
J.D. narrowed his eyes in thought, considering the benefits of moving around so quickly, but they'd be too much to sort out. "Not much point. I'd have to find a place I could afford, pack all my things, and hopefully do the same thing again in a couple of months."
"You'll always have your bedroom here."
Oh. So that's what the whole conversation was about. J.D. stopped stirring, but only for a second. He wasn't sure if his mom was looking at him, but he didn't dare check.
"Oh, right. Yeah. That's true.. Right." He said. Danger, danger, danger was all that rang in his head. "I guess.. I guess I'll think about it.." His voice trailed off weakly, but it seemed to be the correct thing.
His mom gave an approving mm-hm, but he couldn't relax again. He couldn't understand the rest of her speech, but heard words such as 'crisis' and 'foreclosure' between his heartbeats.
"Uh, mom?" He said after a split second of silence. "I just remembered, actually. I have to take my copy of 'Pride and Prejudice' back to the library in a few days and I've hardly read it, so.. Is it alright if I read it now, rather than later? The report's due soon."
He wasn't even sure if the book was in his bag, but it was the easiest way to leave without disappointing his mom. He dared glance over at her, and she nodded. "You can't take a break from school work for a single day, can you?" She asked, but her tone was too proud to be cynical. "Go ahead, sweetie. Dinner won't be long."
"Cool, thanks mom." Without hesitation, he shot away, only slowing down when he walked through the hallway to avoid everyone else's attention. The TV blared louder than his footsteps and the creaking of the stairs, and everything started to get a bit quieter again.
* * *
Three pages of homework later, JD walked down the stairs towards the dining room on his left. His family's voices were mixed with the clanging of plates and cutlery, and they became clearer midway down the stairs.
"Where's John? I thought he was helping you." His brother's voice was no longer blurred by the ambience and distance.
"He's busy with schoolwork, he'll be down in a minute." His mother replied.
"Seriously? I come back from college for a day, and he's in his bedroom?"
JD paused mid-step, his frustration matching Dan's in an instant. What did he expect him to do? Watch a game he had little interest in, or get thrown about like a chew toy in the garden? Still, he couldn't shake off the guilt tingling in his stomach. 'If I had just stayed behind, nobody would be arguing now.'
"It's called having a work ethic."
Dan mumbled something JD couldn't quite hear.
"Don't talk about your brother like that!"
JD looked back up the stairs, his heart blocking out the rest of their fight. His bedroom almost called to him; so calm, so quiet. Nobody else could intrude on him, and nobody else had to get angry, even if it was for a few more minutes before somebody inevitably called for him.
The squeaking of steps distracted him. He turned his head, surprised as Perry paused halfway between him and the ground floor. Perry looked away, briefly darting down towards the dining room where the argument continued.
"Uh- Your dad said to tell you dinner is ready soon."
"I can tell," JD said, but neither of them moved back down the stairs. "Wanna pretend to be distracted by my stuff?"
"God. Yes, please."