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"Patrick! Patrick, please." Iván yelled, running to the spot where Patrick was crossing the street. "I- I thought you had left already, and-"
"What do you want, Iván?" He didn't sound angry, just... hurt. And that was way worse.
"I'm just... I'm sorry."
He was happy to find Patrick still there. He didn't know if he would survive the ride alone with his thoughts inside the car until he got to Patrick's house.
He needed to get it off his chest immediately, while adrenaline was still coursing through his veins.
He took too long to start talking, so Patrick took the initiative, still feeling hurt.
"You know what, whatever you want to say, whatever you want to rub in my face, I don't want to-"
"Please, listen to me. I'm so sorry, I know that I treated you like shit. I shouldn't have done that, I'm so, so sorry." He paused, looking for words. "I don't even know what to say so you can forgive me, but I love you, Patrick."
His words did not have the desired effect.
"Then you have a really fun way to show it." Patrick said, voice tired. "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. You know how I feel about you. "A few moments ago, you told me that, yeah, you wanted to fuck me, but then you cleared your mind and decided not to." He let out a pained, disbelieving laugh. "I love you too much to be able to listen to all the things you have been telling me lately and not break, Iván."
Patrick had tears in his eyes, and so did Iván, they couldn't control it.
"I know it doesn't always seem so, and I know that's on me, but I love you! I know I don't deserve to, not after everything I said, after everything I've done." He admited. "But I still do. And being with you is not something I need to be in a confused state to want, being with you is the most natural thing for me."
He paused, giving Patrick time to interrupt him if he wished to. But he didn't, just kept listening to him carefully as tears streamed quietly down his face.
"Everything has been awful since we fought, and I know I only have myself to blame for that." His voice broke. "Things have been rough, and I had the opportunity to have you help me share the burden, but I pushed you away instead. And now I realize that this was the worst thing I've ever done. I understand if you're not ready to forgive me right away but, please-"
Now, that's when Patrick interrupted him.
"Do you..." He chose his words carefully. "Do you want to get me back for real, or are you just shocked that I was able to voice how I feel?" Again, he sounded tired instead of angry. "I'm not- I'm not judging you. I understand if- if you don't think you can be with me after everything that happened."
It was very clear that saying those words pained him immensely. But he kept going.
"It's just... I don't really understand. I want to be with you more than anything, and I think I've proved it, but if you really wish that I wasn't here, if you really think that I'm to blame for what happened to your father... then why would you still want to be with me?"
Iván wasn't dumb, he knew those words were the worst things he ever told Patrick. But being reminded of all of it, what he made Patrick go through, the things that his pain made him do... it felt like a knife to the heart. He couldn't imagine what it felt like for Patrick to hear them.
"I didn't mean that! I don't know why I said that, Patrick, and I'm so sorry!" He sounded desperate even to his own ears. "You didn't deserve to hear any of that. I'm so glad you're alive, Patrick, and I don't know what I would have done if something happened to you. Because I love you! Even though I have been shitty at showing it since the very beginning, I love you like I've never loved anyone in my life before you."
He knew nothing would be a good excuse for the things he said, but he tried to offer an explanation.
"I'm hurt, and when I'm hurt, I lash out. You don't deserve this, Patrick, I know you don't, but the thing is I... don't know if I know how to be any other way. But if you give me another chance, I'll try. I swear I'll try, I'll do my best for you every single day, I promise."
Patrick started to sob. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, but he couldn't get the words to come out.
He was happy that Iván had apologized, of course, that was everything he had been waiting for.
But at the same time, he didn't know if he could take it if the next day Iván regretted it or told him another hurtful thing.
Iván kept going.
"Look... about the things I said... I think the truth is that I blamed myself, but it hurt too much to admit it. So I hurt you instead." He confessed. "I'm not proud of it, and I know that it was wrong, I knew it was wrong even as I was doing it. I should have stopped, I shouldn't have said any of that."
"What do you even mean? Why would you blame yourself?"
"It was me who wanted him to come out, in the first place. I talked to him about it, he knew the idea of him being able to be himself freely made me happy. And I know that, deep down, it wasn't because of you that he made the final decision."
Patrick still seemed confused, so he explained further.
"Yes, it was because of your video. But mostly because he knew that I love you, and that letting you be the bad guy in that story would hurt me. I know he felt that it was a sacrifice that he needed to make for us to be together. So, Patrick, I don't think it's your fault, I think it's mine."
"Iván, come on, that's not true." Patrick seemed a little more composed, almost like the idea of Iván hurting made his brain catch up with the situation and do his best to comfort him. "You were a good son to him. The last thing he would have wanted would be for you to blame yourself."
Iván shook his head.
"No, the last thing he would have wanted would be for me to become what I became after he died." He said. "I'm sorry."
Patrick didn't say anything.
He didn't know what to do, he wanted to say that he accepted the apology and that everything could go back to how it used to be. But the words simply wouldn't come out.
Iván mistook him feeling overwhelmed for a rejection, so he turned around to leave, not even paying attention to where he was going.
He only heard the "Iván, watch out!" and saw the bright light. Then, something was pushing him to the ground.
He was suddenly lying down on the sidewalk, just in time to see the dark car leave the scene. His heart was jackhammering in his chest. That had been close.
That's when he looked up and there was Patrick, lying on top of him, being the one that took him out of harm's way like a guardian angel. His angel. He couldn't believe he had taken that for granted.
"Are you okay?" Patrick asked. Iván nodded, dumbfounded.
"Yeah... I- thank you. I'm fine... I'm worried about us more than anything right now. Even if you don't want to get back together-"
He was interrupted with a kiss.
It was deep and carried so much feeling that he didn't even realize that he was crying again until he felt the tears on his lips.
He had missed this. This kind of sentimental kiss that was more of a way to channel feelings than the mere action of pressing your lips against someone else's.
With that, he knew he had been forgiven.
"I want to get back with you. There is absolutely nothing that I want more than to get back with you." Patrick promised. "I was just afraid that I was going to get hurt again, that's why I didn't know what to say. But I need to trust your word. And honestly, after all this-" He just gestured around them vaguely. "I could have lost you just now, how am I supposed to not take this as a sign? I wouldn't know what to do without you in my life, meu amor."
The touch of using the endearing term he had taught him, made Iván warm all over. He couldn't help but press a small kiss on his lips before continuing.
"I wouldn't either, love." He said. "And don't worry. Patrick, I'm glad you can trust me again, and I'm not going to take that for granted. I was a mess before, and honestly, I'm still a mess, but at least I'm sure of what I want now and it's you. I'm just... I'm so sorry, and I love you so much."
Patrick smiled and pecked his lips lightly.
"I love you too, and I forgive you," he told him. "Don't worry, we'll deal with that mess together."
Just then did Iván realize that they still hadn't gotten up properly, which made him laugh. It seemed a bit hysterical to laugh under those circumstances, under the weight of the conversation they just had.
Patrick got up first and helped him up.
"C'mon, let's go to my house. We could talk some more or... I don't know. Just do whatever."
"I would love to stay up late just cuddling with you." Iván offered, and Patrick's smile could light up the whole world.
In that moment, Iván was even more sure that he was making the right choice and fighting to save that relationship.
They went back to the club so that Patrick could get his car keys. Iván stood there admiring as his, thankfully, once again boyfriend went to retrieve them.
"That's weird, I could swear that's where my keys were."
"It's fine, Isadora said I could use one of her cars. I was going to text her that I didn't need it anymore, but we can just wait here for her choufer." Iván offered. "We can come back for your car tomorrow, I just need to be with you."
Patrick smiled, before taking his hand so they could leave the club again. He gave him a quick kiss.
That's something Iván would never get tired of doing. Two things, actually. Making Patrick smile and kissing him.
"You're right, we should just be together right now, fuck the car." He seemed giddy. "I love you."
They had exchanged more 'I love you's in the last few minutes than during most of their relationship, but Iván was going to fix that.
He would never let Patrick forget how much he was loved.
"I love you too."