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Dean didn’t know why, all these years later, he still felt compelled to drive by that little house in Omaha on Christmas Eve. At first, right after Layla died, he saw it as a way to pay his respects. Drive through her neighborhood, visit her grave, and leave flowers… it felt like the sort of thing a person should do but that the Winchesters rarely had the time for. Swallowing the pain, burning the body, and moving on was more their style.
Layla deserved more than that from him. In his line of work, there were plenty of people he couldn’t save. If he thought about every one of them all day long, he’d never get out of bed. Layla was different. Most of the time, it was like he lived in one of those funhouse mirror mazes from a carnival. People could look at him and see what they wanted to see, all twisted and warped and just close enough to the real thing to have them all fooled. Chicks saw a good time, dudes saw a cocky asshole, Sam saw Dad, and Dad saw a disappointment.
That last day in Ford City, sitting on the bed in yet another motel room, he felt seen for the first time in his life. Layla should have been furious with him, like her mother was. She should have wanted him dead. He’d cost her the only chance she’d ever have at a life, and he didn’t even believe in her God to boot.
Instead, she’d been gentle, all soft stares and understanding with no expectations. He’d never had a girl treat him like that before. He’d never let them. After all, that’s what Dad had taught him to do all his life. He remembered one of the rare times after a hunt that they’d sat down and had a beer together to celebrate a job well done. He couldn’t have been more than 13 and hung on every word his father shared.
“Girls need you to be strong for ‘em, Dean. They like to know you’re in control. The minute you start leaning on ‘em and getting all wishy washy, they bolt.” John took a swig from his bottle. “Sure they like the mushy little Hallmark cards, but most of the time? They need you to be a man and protect ‘em. That’s what gets their hearts all aflutter.”
“Was Mom like that?” Dean had asked. “Is that how you got her to fall for you?”
He braced for John’s mood to turn sour as it so often did when Mary was mentioned. But for once, his father simply paused and considered the question.
“Your mom was a different kind of woman. Nerves of steel and not afraid of a fight.” He chuckled. “She didn’t need my protection, see, but she wanted it deep down. If I’d always been letting her fight my battles, she would have lost interest and walked away. I never made her deal with my messes. I kept her safe.”
They’d fallen silent then, both thinking of the one time John hadn’t. His father’s words had stuck with Dean. Every time he went out with some girl from a bar, he was all bravado and charm. Most of the time, they ate it up and everyone involved had a pleasant evening, all things considered.
But after Layla, after the way she saw right through him… Dean couldn’t play the part anymore without thinking of what else could be out there. What if he could find someone to share his burdens with, someone who wasn’t afraid to walk into some walls stumbling though the funhouse that was his life? Someone who could take a leap of faith?
He wasn’t a perfect student learning the lesson she taught him, that’s for sure. It had taken years, and Hell, for him to start acknowledging the longing he’d long buried. She had given him a new way of seeing himself, an alternative to the self doubt and fear that plagued him. In his darkest moments, he could remind himself that to one person, he was worthy of a miracle.
So maybe these little drives every year he could get away were to pay tribute as much as they were a penance. Dean could never forget Mrs. Rourke’s angry, grief-stricken face. He understood how she felt now that he had Cas and Jack and Claire and the others. He’d move heaven and earth for a shot at saving their lives (and he had, time and time again). He wanted to make sure she was all right, even if it was from a distance.
He knew some years were harder than others. The first Christmas without her, the Rourke home was dark as he drove by, the only one in the neighborhood without lights. As time went on, the little house gradually gained more and more character again. Dean saw children playing in the snow in the front yard, maybe grandchildren. He’d remembered reading about siblings in Layla’s obituary. Once, he’d even googled Mrs. Rourke and found that she spent her free time volunteering to help kids with brain cancer. It seemed that she was doing well, and it eased some of the guilt Dean still carried with him.
This year, Dean decided to let Castiel in on his trip. He and Sam were generally aware of what Dean did on Christmas Eve, though Sam knew more about Layla than Cas did. But this year, Dean and Cas were making it official, rings and all. They’d been married in every sense of the word anyway, building a farmhouse together and filling it with children orphaned by monsters. Jack and Claire both visited often. They were a family, and Dean thought they should have the paperwork to prove it. It felt right that Castiel be included in this tradition.
Dean parked Baby in the cemetery lot, pausing as he looked out over the sea of graves.
“Are you sure you want me to come with you, Dean?” Castiel gently prodded, taking Dean’s hand. “I can wait here if you’d prefer.”
“Nah,” Dean reassured him, squeezing his hand. “It’ll be nice to have some company.”
He grabbed the flowers from the backseat. They made their way to Layla’s grave, a lovely spot underneath a solid old oak tree.
Layla Rourke
1972-2006
For we walk by faith, not by sight.
Castiel stood quietly, hand on Dean’s shoulder but just behind him to give him space. Dean started praying, like he did every year. He had no idea if Layla could hear him (though Cas believed that with Jack’s new system, she probably did). It was more for him than her.
“Hey, Layla,” he started. “Me again. Can’t believe it’s been 15 years. I just wanted to let you know I’m doing okay. I told you about Jody and Donna and the girls before, everyone’s still happy and healthy. Sam married Eileen this year, can you believe it? And, uh… I have someone too.”
He turned and grinned shyly at Cas, who smiled in return. “He’s pretty great. And I guess in a way you’re responsible for us getting together. If you hadn’t given me that shock to the system, who knows if I would have been ready when the time came. So… thanks. And I hope you’re still doing well up there.”
Dean knelt and placed the bouquet in front of the headstone. As he stood, he noticed a lone figure watching them. His heart skipped a beat. She was older, a little more hunched over than the last time they’d met, but it was unmistakably her. Mrs. Rourke. All these years and they’d never once crossed paths here.
He swallowed hard as she approached, dreading her reaction.
“Hello, ma’am,” he said as she got closer. “I, uh, don’t know if you’d remember me…”
“I know who you are,” she said, nodding her head in recognition. “You’re Dean.”
An uncomfortable silence descended. Dean could feel Cas watching him, ready to jump in if necessary.
Mrs. Rourke broke the tension first. “You know, I always suspected that it was you leaving the flowers. No one else in our family ever took credit, and it would be an odd gesture for a total stranger.”
Dean nodded, trying to keep the fear from showing on his face. “I try, when I can. She deserves that.”
Mrs. Rourke inclined her head towards Castiel. “Is this a friend of yours?”
Castiel looked to Dean to answer. He mostly deferred to Dean on how to define their relationship to strangers, never having been caught up in the same cycle of human self loathing yet understanding Dean’s worries. These days, Dean almost never denied their relationship in public. He’d wasted too much time unlearning John’s lessons and wasn’t about to spend the rest of his life in fear of people’s reactions.
Mrs. Rourke was a bit of a special case, though. She was religious and already had a low opinion of Dean. The thought crossed his mind to simply confirm her assumption of friendship and escape to the comfort of Baby as quickly as possible.
But something made him want to tell the truth. Maybe it was the fact that he’d faced her God and won, or maybe it was his new lease on life from finally telling Cas how he felt. He was done hiding.
“Castiel is my fiancé, actually,” Dean said proudly, reaching out and intertwining their hands. “It’s his first time here.”
To his surprise, Mrs. Rourke’s gaze grew fond. “Oh, that’s so lovely to hear. I… I confess I always wondered what happened to you.”
Dean cleared his throat. If this was the last time he’d see her, he had to get something off his chest. “Look, Mrs. Rourke, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry that your faith wasn’t rewarded the way it should have been. You were right, all those years ago, and…”
“Stop right there.” Mrs. Rourke said firmly, clutching the handles on her purse with a tight grip. “What I said to you that day, that you didn’t deserve your miracle… Dean, I can’t tell you how those words have haunted me. I was angry and grieving and there you were, this desperately sad boy who seemed determined to point out all the reasons he shouldn’t be alive. I compared you to my Layla, who wanted to live so desperately, and I was wrong to say what I said.”
“Ma’am…”
“No, Dean, I’m not finished.” She stepped closer. “When I lost her, I started looking for something to give my life meaning again. I started going to the hospital to read to the children there who have brain cancer like my Layla. These are sick babies who haven’t even lived enough life yet to be judged. Some live, and most die, and many more live somewhere in between. Nothing in this life has humbled me faster. Those children need miracles, and most don’t get them. Who could be more deserving than an innocent child? Being with their parents made me grateful that I could raise Layla and see her as an adult. Compared to them, I had so much time with her.
There I was, deciding that Layla deserved to live, deserved a miracle over everyone else, simply because I loved her. I couldn’t understand how the center of my world was just a speck of dust in the eyes of the universe. I didn’t have faith, like what Layla had. I had pride and hubris and fear. And I took all of that out on you when it was obvious to anyone with half a heart that you were struggling.”
She stopped then, voice quivering. “I tried to find you, every few years. I just wanted to know if you were all right. I couldn’t bear to think… that is, I always wondered if…” She stopped and composed herself before continuing, nearly whispering. “My greatest fear was that what I said caused you to go down the wrong path and end up hurting yourself. ”
Dean’s heart ached. Any trace of residual anger or anxiety disappeared as he looked at the tiny woman in front of him. Letting go of Castiel’s hand, he simply wrapped her in a hug. A sob wrenched itself from her chest. He held her for several minutes, rubbing her back in a comforting gesture as Castiel observed them both from a respectful distance.
She pulled away first, opening her purse to get a tissue and dabbing her eyes. “I’m sorry, we’re practical strangers. I shouldn’t have…”
“Mrs. Rourke,” Dean said, taking her hands in his own and looking into her eyes, “Please don’t worry about it another day, okay? You and I both know that life’s too short for that.” He nodded at Cas. “I’m doing just fine. I have Cas, and my brother, and a whole family now. We run a group home for kids who don’t have anywhere else to go. I have kids of my own too, Jack and Claire. Looking at all these faces, feeling like I’d die just to spare them any amount of pain? I know exactly how you must have felt watching Layla get sick. I don’t blame you for how you reacted back then.”
She drew in a shaky breath. “Oh, Dean. I’m happy that you’ve been able to build such a full life for yourself.”
He continued, “I don’t know if you ever knew this or not, but Layla came to see me before we left Ford City. She told me something I’ve never forgotten. She said that if you’re going to have faith, you can’t just have it when the miracles happen. You need to have it when they don’t. Now, I don’t have the faith in God that you and Layla. But I have faith in my family and my friends, and that sees me through when the going gets tough. So if you’re feeling like the world’s short on miracles, just look around you. I’m sure the parents of those kids at the hospital feel like you’re their miracle, being there for ‘em when they need it.”
Mrs. Rourke chuckled, surprising him. “You know, she used to say that to me all the time back then? I thought it sounded good in theory, but in practice I never had that calm determination and bravery that she did. Those were the qualities I most loved in her, and she certainly didn’t get them from me.”
Dean shrugged. “I don’t know. Most people would run away from the thing that killed their kid, and instead you decided you’d head right into the belly of the beast. I think that’s pretty damn brave.”
She looked like she wanted to protest, but held back. “I appreciate that, Dean. Truly, I do.” She looked at Layla’s headstone. “I know that I’ll see her again somehow. I just want to live the rest of my life in a way that honors her and makes her proud.”
Castiel spoke up in the reassuring, sincere tone Dean loved. “You will see her again. I’m certain of it.”
Mrs. Rourke smiled, patting Dean’s arm. “Looks like you found someone who believes in miracles after all.”
They stood admiring the scenery for a few more quiet minutes before Mrs. Rourke kissed her hand and pressed it to the headstone. “Love you always, my baby.”
Dean offered her his arm. “Let us walk you to your car, Mrs. Rourke?”
She nodded. “Thank you, that would be lovely. And after all this, Mrs. Rourke is far too formal. Just call me Jeanie.”
Wrapping her arm in Dean’s, she leaned on him as they made their way down the twisting path to her car. Once they arrived, she dug around in her glove compartment and pulled out a hospital business card.
“Please keep in touch,” she implored Dean, handing over the card. “I’d love to see your family and hear how everyone is doing. I can send you pictures of my grandchildren if you’d like.”
Dean’s heart was full. “Of course. Soon as I get home I’ll send you our holiday card.” He was suddenly very grateful that Castiel had talked them all into doing a cheesy group photo shoot at the local mall, even if Claire looked like she wanted to murder the photographer in every shot.
After one last hug goodbye, Mrs. Rourke drove away. Dean and Castiel climbed into Baby.
“Are you all right?” Castiel asked, gazing steadily at Dean.
“Yeah, actually,” Dean replied, turning the card over in his hand. “I’m glad we found each other again.”
Cas leaned over and kissed Dean. “I’m proud of you. You’ve grown so much.”
“Yeah, well, I changed you, you changed me, right? I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.” Dean started Baby. “We better get home. Claire will kill us if we leave her with the kids on her own for too long, and I promised Sam we’d actually be on time for Christmas Eve dinner.”
As if summoned by the thought, Castiel’s cell phone rang. While Castiel argued with Claire over what constituted cruel and unusual punishment for breaking a lamp, Dean let the beauty of the landscape wash over him as he drove. The Dean that met Layla all those years ago could never have imagined that one day he’d be listening to his almost-husband tease their adopted daughter. Hell, he didn’t think he’d live to see 30 if he was being honest.
Castiel hung up the phone and turned towards Dean, catching his eye. “You look lost in thought.”
Dean shrugged. “Guess I was just thinking about how many miracles it took to get me here. So many ways it coulda gone wrong.” He snorted. “So many ways it did go wrong. And yet somehow, everything worked out okay.”
“I don’t think a series of miracles helped you get here,” Castiel said quietly, the love in his gaze causing a blush to rise in Dean’s cheeks. “I think your choices are what made everything happen the way they have. You chose the life you have now, and you continue to choose it every day.”
“ Our life,” Dean corrected, reaching for Castiel’s hand. “I get what you mean. I guess it just feels like dumb luck to me sometimes that we made it.”
“You said it best to Mrs. Rourke. You have faith in your family, your friends. That faith is rewarded. Perhaps not by any god, but it is appreciated nonetheless.”
They pulled into the driveway to the sight of Claire wrangling all the kids in the yard for the drive to Sam’s house. Dean was about to get out to play referee when Cas put his hand on arm to stop him.
“Thank you for taking me to visit Layla. I know how much these trips mean to you.”
Dean leaned over and pressed a kiss to Castiel’s cheek. “Of course, Cas. I love you. I wanted you to be there.”
“Just so you know? You’re my miracle, Dean.” Castiel had his sincere face on, the one that melted Dean into a puddle.
For once, Dean didn’t try to deflect the praise. He simply nodded, swallowing the denials that rose to the surface while he opened the door. Faith was about believing even if he couldn’t see the proof himself. He may not be able to understand the unconditional love Castiel had for him, but he sure had faith in Cas and their little family. That was more than enough.