Work Text:
Ocean was the only person that knew how to deal with Noel’s panic attacks.
Yes, you heard that right.
Ocean O’Connell fucking Rosenberg was somehow the only human being in the whole world that knew how to handle Noel Gruber when he panics.
But, for some reason, at this very moment, Ocean wasn’t in the room. Noel wasn’t even a hundred percent sure where the girl had gone. Noel was fairly confident that she announced to the choir where she was going because she was convinced that they needed to know her each and every move because the world revolves around her apparently. Maybe she went to get more sheet music or go to the bathroom or something. It didn’t matter.
What did matter was the fact that it was far far too hot in that room and Penny was currently deep in a conversation with Ricky and Noel was too embarrassed to interrupt to ask her for something small and trivial like a sip of water.
So, long story short, Noel was having a panic attack.
He barely noticed he was having one until his hands started shaking and then he realized that the rest of his body was shaking too and that he couldn’t really breathe and that his heart was racing a million miles a minute and when he tried to stand up he just couldn’t -- like someone was holding him down -- and when he tried to call for Penny or Mischa or Ricky or honestly even Constance at that point no words came out of his mouth.
So he just sat there.
. . .
Ricky was the first to notice.
“Um…” Ricky turned his head towards Noel. “Hey, guys? I think Noel forgot how to breathe? Maybe?”
Noel was now freaking out even more. God damn it. Now everyone was looking at him and judging him and-
“Noel, hey,” Noel turned his head to meet Ricky’s eyes. “Breathe with me, okay?” Ricky took a deep breath in and did a corresponding hand movement, bringing his arms all the way up over his head before breathing out and bringing his arms back down.
“It isn’t working guys…”
Ricky began to look around at the other members of the choir. Constance hadn’t moved from her chair. She remained still in place with her hands clutched onto her skirt. Mischa and Penny were both now on their feet. Penny quickly moved and kneeled down in front of Noel while Mischa stayed stationary.
“Noel.”
He couldn’t breathe. He truly and honestly could not breathe. Where was Ocean? The one time he needed her she was a god knows where. What a fucking Ocean thing to do. That evil little red-headed spawn of Satan was the only person he wanted to be around right now.
How ironic.
“Look at me!” Noel was snapped back into reality when Penny started staring into his eyes. “What is wrong? Are you sick? Are your lungs broken? Are you hungry?”
Penny kept listing things that might possibly be wrong with the boy. Ricky was still insisting that he simply forgot how to breathe. This quickly became incredibly loud in Noel’s ears. But still, Penny and Ricky argued while Mischa and Constance remained ever silent.
“Are you having a panic attack?”
Noel’s eyes immediately flicked back to meet Penny’s. He nodded his head as aggressively as he could. Penny and Ricky both look relieved for a second before realizing that, although this was good information to have, it wasn’t really good information.
“Um… Ah… Okay…” Penny was fiddling with her hands, cracking her knuckles, picking at her nails, ex cetera. “What are you supposed to do when someone has a panic attack?”
“On it!”
The whole room turned to look at Mischa. He was typing something on his phone very quickly.
“What the hell are you doing?” Ricky asked, unamused.
“Got it!” Mischa yelled, holding his phone up triumphantly. “ How to Cope With Panic Attacks. Oh, with pictures!”
“Mischa Bachinski, did you just look up a fucking wikiHow article?” Penny was completely out of breath at this point. All Mischa did was nod with a big goofy grin on his face while Ricky collapsed his head into his hands. Noel was shaking so much that Penny could’ve sworn that the whole room was shaking with him.
“Okay, okay,” Mischa took a deep breath. “ A panic attack can seem scary, but even when you are dealing one in the moment, there are simple exercises that can help bri- ”
“Mischa!” Penny yelled, glaring at the boy.
“Right, right, sorry.” Mischa seemed legitimately scared of the girl. Noel didn’t blame him. “ Step One: Do some grounding exercises. ”
“What the hell is that?” Ricky threw his hands up in the air dramatically.
Noel wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. Why wasn’t Ocean here? God, Noel was quite literally begging for Ocean to walk in the door. If god was real -- which he was certain he was not -- Ocean would’ve already been back. No, she wouldn’t have ever even left.
“ Trace your hand on a sheet of paper and label the fingers with each of the five senses, ” Mischa said, announcing it like he was giving a presentation. Constance immediately stood up. Noel shook his head as hard as he could. She sat back down.
“God, okay,” Penny sighed, “What else does the dumbass wikiHow article say?”
“ Do some stretching or yoga. ”
“Mischa,” Penny groaned.
“Okay!” Mischa put his hands up like someone was pointing a gun at him. If Noel wasn’t actively dying, he definitely would’ve laughed at the dumbass of a man he had chosen as his boyfriend. “ Take a walk in the woods. ”
“Mischa!” Penny yelled, throwing her hands up. “Something realistic!”
“Jesus f-fuck, alright!” Noel whipped his head sideways at the boy. Oh god. He was making everything worse. Mischa was starting to stutter and his accent was slowly growing thicker than normal. Mischa met Noel’s worried eyes.
“Poet? What? What is it?”
Noel opened his mouth to tell Mischa to not worry about him, but, of course, he was still completely non-verbal. So he threw his arms up in the air before holding his head in his hands. He didn’t want to cry. God, that would be so embarrassing.
“Poet!” Mischa immediately ran right beside Penny, throwing his phone in Ricky’s lap on his way over. “Коханий, please, t-tell me what is w-wrong.”
Noel couldn’t. He couldn’t talk. God, he wanted to cry so bad. But, also, that would be so incredibly embarrassing. But, he couldn’t stand it anymore. So, grabbing a hold of his boyfriend’s hands, he hid his face and began to sob.
“Poet-”
All Mischa could do was hold the boy. And he did. As tight as he could manage.
“Okay, okay,” Ricky fumbled with Mischa’s phone, which had been haphazardly thrown into his lap a few seconds prior. “Step two . . . step two . . . Ah! Breathe deeply ! Noel!”
Ricky repeated what he had done a few minutes ago, bringing his arms up and down with his breathing. Noel didn’t look. He had no doubt that Ricky and the others were trying their best, but it wasn’t good enough.
He appreciated it. Of course he did. But . . . they just weren’t Ocean.
After Noel ignored Ricky, he threw Mischa’s phone on the ground. Immediately, Penny told him that was rude, Ricky fired back, and the two began arguing. Not a real argument, but definitely something. Constance, somehow, still hadn’t said a single word. If Noel was being honest, he had completely forgotten the girl was in the room.
“Jesus Christ, I’m an idiot!”
Everyone turned to look at Ricky who -- for some reason -- had just screamed that at the top of his lungs. Penny was the first to talk after about fifteen seconds of silence.
“Elaborate . . ?”
“He’s non-fucking-verbal.”
Everyone in the room collectively realized how stupid they were being.
“That is why you are so quiet, коханий?”
Noel nodded his head softly in Mischa’s arms.
“Of course,” Penny laughed, “That’s why you’re not bitching about how much this sucks ass for you, huh?”
Noel didn’t respond. Not because he couldn’t. He could’ve hit her or nodded or kicked her in the shin maybe. But, she was being too much of a bitch -- in the best way possible that Noel loved endlessly -- to deserve a response from him.
And then, the door swung open.
“What is going on in here?”
Ocean O’Connell Rosenberg.
Noel immediately pulled himself away from Mischa. A myriad of disapproving words came from the members of the choir. Noel shook his head as hard as he could. Ocean’s eyes met Noel’s. She was holding a stack of neatly organized sheet music. So that’s where she had been. Without hesitation, she dropped the entire stack of papers and ran over to Noel.
“Everyone back up.” Ocean didn't sound mad. It was much more a matter of fact statement. Like, she was just giving them a simple command.
Penny rolled her eyes. “Ocean, we’ve got thi-”
“I said back the hell up!”
Silence.
The whole choir stood in disbelief. Not only had Ocean just yelled at Penny, which she never does -- no one does -- she also just swore. So, everyone took a few steps backwards.
“Oh, geez, Noel.”
She kneeled down in front of Noel, holding out her hands to the boy. He took them.
“What’s wrong?” Noel began fanning his face. “Too hot, okay. Penny, give me your water bottle. Constance, go turn down the heater. You’re gonna be okay, Noel, I promise.”
Constance and Penny were immediately on their feet following directions. Usually none of the choir listened to Ocean. It was actually very funny to ignore what the red-head said.
But not now.
“Here,” Ocean said as soon as Penny handed her the water bottle. “Drink this.”
Noel really didn’t feel like drinking water right now. Of course he knew that it would help and probably make him less dizzy, but he was overwhelmingly nauseous and drinking water just felt like so much right now.
But the way that Ocean’s bright blue eyes had softened a few shades and the way she was patiently holding out the water bottle made Noel feel safe.
So he took the water.
“Small sips.”
Noel nodded as the girl grabbed back onto his empty hand. She squeezed and he squeezed back. He had stopped shaking and his breathing was slowly steadying out.
“Look at you,” Ocean smiled, “You’re okay. Just like I promised.”
A soft chuckle escaped from the boy's lips as he leaned his head down slightly. Ocean smiled. It was big and bright and Noel wondered where this Ocean was 99% of the time. He barely noticed when the girl took her free hand and pulled Noel’s forehead onto hers. It felt so natural. So perfect. Like they had always been meant to be like this. Like everything was going to be okay.
And even though Noel knew in a few minutes when this was over he’d go back to screaming at her and pulling on her ginger locks and maybe even hitting her here and there, he didn’t mind it. He relished the moments like this he got with Ocean.
He hated her. Genuinely hated the girl with his entire being. But he’s not quite sure what he’d do without her. Probably die. Actually he was sure. He’d die. Right then and there.
“Noel.”
Noel didn’t even realize his eyes were closed until he had to open them to look at Ocean. God, she looked so bright. Like she was truly and honestly content in this moment.
He could stay like this forever.
“You okay?”
“Yeah,” Noel said, pulling Ocean into a quick hug. “I’m okay. Thank you.”
“Of course.”
. . .
“What the fuck just happened?”
Noel and Ocean turned their heads to see Penny, Ricky, and Mischa standing by their sides. The trio looked like they just watched a real live alien invasion. Like someone had just told them the most shocking news in the universe.
Oh yeah. The rest of the choir is still here.
Shit.