Archive of Our Own

Eddie writes the list on a scrap piece of paper he finds in the glove compartment of his truck. The paper is torn in one corner with a mysterious food stain across the bottom but there’s enough clean space to furiously scrawl across it. He doesn’t plan on admitting to Frank that he writes the list five minutes before the start of his session. Frank should be glad Eddie completed the assignment at all.

His therapist makes no comment about the hastily written list and doesn’t even ask Eddie to read out what’s on it. Instead, Frank gives him another assignment. 

“I want you to cross off everything on that list.”

“Everything?” Eddie almost gulps at the thought. 

“In your own time, doesn’t have to be by our next session and I won’t ask about it, this is something for you and only you.”

“Right, okay,” he thumbs at the corner of the paper absentmindedly which starts to soften and curl up. 

Frank deftly changes the subject to something they had been discussing last week and Eddie sits there for the rest of the fifty minutes, holding the piece of paper awkwardly. He’s acutely aware of it out of the corner of his eye the whole time and is relieved when Frank brings the session to a close for another week. 

Eddie folds the piece of paper in half and stuffs it in his pocket as he makes the journey from Frank’s room, out through reception and into the parking lot. It stays there in his pocket all evening too. He feels its presence when he sits down for dinner with Christopher and Buck and unconsciously slides his hand across his pocket to check the paper isn’t peeking out.

Long after Christopher has gone to bed and Buck has left for the night, Eddie turns off all the lights and heads to his room. As soon as his pants drop to the floor, the note flies out and tucks itself just under the bed. With a sigh, Eddie picks it up and places it on his nightstand. 

It amazes him, just how terrified he is of a piece of paper. Writing the list is the easy part. He doesn’t deny he’s been putting these things off, some for a long time now. Actually doing everything on it? That’s easier said than done. Luckily he has more than enough excuses stored up to continue putting them off.

What Frank doesn’t know won’t hurt him, Eddie convinces himself. He ignores the swirling ball of guilt in his chest as he folds the paper again and slips it into one of the abandoned books on his nightstand. Out of sight, out of mind, he hopes. 

Frank doesn’t ask about the list the following week or the week after that and he’s soon back to work at the 118. 

Returning to forty-eight-hour shifts is a shock to the system and he’s exhausted for the entire first month back. It’s easy to get distracted by the calls, Christopher’s latest school project and Buck’s latest obsession with self-help books. 

The list is completely forgotten. 

Three months later

Eddie had stopped inviting Buck over sometime after ‘the incident’ that resulted in half a dozen holes in his bedroom wall. Not because he didn’t want Buck to come over, but because there was no longer a need to ask. Buck had stopped waiting for an invitation too.

Instead, on most free nights he’s there, either following Eddie home after shift or appearing just before dinner. Even though he hasn’t been a ‘guest’ in the Diaz home for a number of years, he still brings something with him most nights. Sometimes it’s a book for Chris or pastries he picked up on the way, other times it's mouthwash (because he used the last of it last time he stayed over) or Eddie’s hoodie that he left at Buck’s place the other night. 

There’s something comforting about the consistency. Eddie can almost predict when Buck will slide his key into the lock and let himself in to the exact minute. He doesn’t need to abandon his cooking to greet Buck. Instead, he listens to his son and his best friend catch up on events since they last spoke a day and a half ago with a smile on his face. 

Through the open kitchen door, he hears: “Let me go say hi to your dad,” and then a moment later he feels a figure pull up behind him and dip a finger into the pasta sauce Eddie’s tending to. 

“Hey!” Eddie slaps him away with the back of his spoon and Buck jumps back with a grin and sticks his finger in his mouth. 

“Mmm, not bad, needs more garlic,” he announces. 

“Stop back-seat cooking,” Eddie gripes, though there’s no heat behind it. Buck’s grin widens and he lifts his hands up in surrender. 

“This a new recipe?”

“Something my mom used to make,” Eddie answers 

“I have to say-” Buck slaps his stomach, “You keep cooking like this and I’m gonna have to spend twice as long at the gym.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Eddie peels his eyes from the saucepan to glance over at Buck and his impossibly firm stomach, “That is all muscle.”

He only realises a split second after he says it, just exactly what he’s said and he turns back to the stovetop sharply to hide the blush that fills his cheeks. 

Buck doesn’t say anything straight away and Eddie doesn’t dare look to see the expression on his face. Eddie can feel it though, Buck’s eyes burning into the back of his head. Eventually, the heat dissipates and it feels like everything returns to normal. 

“Oh hey, you still reading that Joe DiMaggio bio? I was listening to a podcast on the way to work this morning and now I wanna read it.”

“Oh, no, it’s all yours,” Eddie continues to stir the sauce and nods towards his bedroom, “It’s by my bed, go grab it.”

Until ‘the incident’, Buck hadn’t ever spent much time in Eddie’s room. There had always been an unspoken understanding that it was Eddie’s personal space and Buck had always respected that. Everything changed after he kicked down Eddie’s door. Buck’s presence in his room no longer feels like an intrusion. Instead, every time he’s in there, stealing a sweatshirt or chilling on his bed while Eddie gets ready, it feels right. Like he belongs there in that spot. 

“Got it!” He hears Buck call and then footsteps back to the living room where he gets pulled into another conversation with Christopher. Sounds like a tricky question on his biology homework. Eddie continues with dinner to the sounds of Buck and Chris working through the task with the help of some Googling

Dinner is served not long after and the pasta bowls are licked clean. Eddie protests when Buck gets up to do the dishes but his friend is stubborn, claiming it’s only fair that he washes up if Eddie cooked. Eddie’s too full of food to argue and moves to the couch instead. He lets Christopher stick one of his favourite cartoons on the TV and lets the sounds of splashing water and soft humming from the other room wash over him. 

He could get used to this, he thinks. 

Maybe he already has, he realises. 

As much as he loves his son and the commotion an eleven-year-old brings, the quiet after he goes to bed is appreciated. Evenings with Buck tend to end one of two ways: Either with a single beer before Buck takes his leave, or multiple beers that result in Buck sleeping on the couch. Tonight it’s the latter. 

Buck is on his third beer, Eddie on his second though he’s only a few gulps away from finishing. The TV is on low; some cop drama that Carla recommended that neither of them is paying much attention to. 

Eddie is too busy flicking through the rota Bobby has emailed across to notice Buck pick up the book he took from his nightstand. He doesn’t see Buck flick through the book or the piece of paper that almost jumps out from between two pages and flutters to the floor between Buck’s feet. 

“What’s this?” 

Eddie looks up just as Buck unfolds the note and his heart seizes for a split-second as he realises what Buck is holding in his hands. The homework from Frank that he completely forgot was there. It’s too late to stop Buck from reading the list, his eyes are already scanning down it and there’s no way Buck doesn’t recognise his handwriting. 

“Eddie?” Buck looks up at him. 

“It’s nothing,” he clenches his fits to resist the urge to snatch the piece of paper of out Buck’s hands. 

Buck gives him a look. The kind of look that suggests Buck won’t let this go. He knows that look all too well.

“Fuck, okay,” he downs the last two gulps of his beer, puts it on the side and shifts on the couch to face Buck. “It’s a thing Frank asked me to write, a list of things out of my comfort zone, things I’ve been putting off for whatever reason, not having the time, being too scared, you know,” he gives a one-shoulder shrug. 

1. Go to a gay bar
2. Ride a horse
3. Go back to the beach
4. Treat myself
5. Do something spontaneous
6. Be vulnerable with someone other than Frank
7. Tell Pepa and Abuela
8. Go back to where it happened

Buck looks down at the list, reads through it again and looks back up “And then what?”

“Huh?”

“You write this list and then?”

“Oh,” he clears his throat, “I was supposed to cross them all off.”

“But you haven’t.”

“How do you know I haven’t?”

Buck flips the paper over to show it to Eddie, “Not crossed off…I’m guessing because it was hidden away out of sight, out of mind in this book… you haven’t even started.”

“No, no I haven’t,” Eddie admits, feeling slightly flayed open by the combination of his own guilt and Buck’s scrutiny. Buck’s eyes bore into his, waiting for Eddie to explain. “There’s a reason why I was putting all this off y’know,” he huffs. 

“I know.” 

And it annoys Eddie that Buck does know. Buck knows him like no one else knows him. If anyone else had found the list, he would have been able to fob it off, and change the subject. Buck is like a dog with a bone. 

“I can help…if you want.”

Eddie hadn’t been expecting that. No judgement. Just an offer to help, like it’s nothing more than picking up some groceries or taking Chris to school.

“You would?” He finds himself saying. 

“Of course, I want to help, if you let me. Between us we can get this list crossed off in no time.”

“In no time?” He parrots, a little overwhelmed by the thought. 

Buck seems to notice the panic in Eddie’s eyes and backtracks slightly, “Alright, let's put a deadline on it, something to work towards…how about Christmas? That gives us five months.”

It seems doable, “Yeah, okay, five months, I can do that.”

“ We can do that,” Buck corrects, “I’m with you every step of the way.”

“I appreciate that,” Eddie smiles at Buck’s enthusiasm, “So what’s first?”

Buck folds the list and slips it into his pocket. “You leave that to me.”

The first time the list reappears is two weeks later. 

As he pulls into the equine therapy place Buck found for Chris, he spies Buck’s Jeep already parked up near the entrance. Chris spots it too and immediately asks his dad why Buck is there. 

“No idea, but we’re about the find out,” he narrows his eyes suspiciously and leads Chris to the centre’s reception. Buck’s waiting for them there, sat down on one of the plastic seats, his long legs spread out so wide anyone could trip over them. 

“Buck,” Eddie greets him. “What are you doing here?”

“Just here to help out,” he says mysteriously, then pats his pocket and the puzzle pieces slot together. 

“Hey Chris, you go ahead, I know there’s probably a stable that needs mucking out.”

“I hate mucking out,” Chris grumbles under his breath but does as he’s told and heads off in the direction of the stables. 

Finally alone, Eddie turns back to Buck, “Here? Now?”

“I can’t believe you’ve never ridden a horse, you’re from Texas for crying out loud.”

“I grew up in a city!” He finds himself explaining. “I had other interests.”

“Alright, alright” Buck waves him off with a roll of his eyes. “But you wanna try it now?”

“Chris hasn’t stopped talking about his time here, thought it was something we could do together.” 

Buck’s focus warms his cheeks and Eddie looks away. 

“Well, I spoke to Siena and she’s agreed to let us take a couple of the horses out for a ride.”

“Both of us?” 

“I used to work on a ranch remember, I actually know how to ride, I can teach you, it’s like riding a bike.”

Eddie barks out a laugh, “Somehow I doubt that.”

He doesn’t tell Buck that part of the reason he’s never ridden a horse is an incident he remembers so vividly when he was younger. He couldn’t have been more than five years old when his father took him to some nearby stables for his first lesson. The horse chosen for him was ginormous, or at least it had felt like that to a five-year-old. He remembers tottering over to the animal and feeling the ground thud as it stomped its hind leg and huffed warm smelly air into Eddie’s face. That had been more than enough for him and had cried until his father gave in and took him home. He still remembers the disappointed look in his father’s eyes on the drive home and the same look a week later when he threw a tantrum in order to avoid going a second time. 

He tries to hide his nervousness as Buck leads him to two mid-sized horses, the reins hung loosely over posts, happily munching on a bag of hay. 

“This one is Willow,” Buck’s hand runs smoothly down the back of the first horse, its hair and mane a dark chocolate. “And that-” Buck nods at the other horse with white hair and a dark grey mane “is, uh, Banana-Split.”

Eddie’s eyebrow arches. 

“Sometimes they let the kids name the horses,” Buck explains and Eddie laughs.

Whilst Buck is wrong about it being like riding a bike, it’s not as hard as he was expecting. Buck is a good teacher, which doesn’t surprise Eddie in the least, and by the end of their hour with the horses, Eddie is trotting at a good pace around the arena. His face hurts from grinning. 

Buck keeps up beside him with ease, one hand gripping the reins casually. The sight of Buck on a horse, looking so relaxed and happy, is one Eddie doesn’t plan to forget any time soon. He pulls on the reins to slow Willow down and a moment later she comes to a stop near to where Chris has been sitting and watching them. 

“Go on then, show off, you know you want to.” 

Buck grins and with a confident tug, Banana-Split speeds off sharply. Eddie watches in wonder as Buck gallops in wide circles, a steady thud of horseshoes on the ground as he does a u-turn and heads back in the opposite direction. There’s a small jumping gate set up in the middle of the arena and Eddie holds his breath as Buck heads towards it. Banana-split leaps over it gracefully, lands and speeds off once more. Eddie breathes again. 

Finally, after the short burst of speed, Buck guides his horse back over to Eddie and dismounts smoothly. 

“I’m a bit rusty,” Buck insists as he helps Eddie out of the saddle. 

Eddie lets out a huff of disbelief, “Sure.”

1. Go to a gay bar
   
2. Ride a horse
3. Go back to the beach
4. Treat myself
5. Do something spontaneous
6. Be vulnerable with someone other than Frank
7. Tell Pepa and Abuela
8. Go back to where it happened

Eddie trudges across the threshold after a long, exhausting, shift, made all the more tiring by the lack of Buck. It’s harder without him there, though Eddie wouldn’t be able to put a finger on exactly why. 

He’s surprised, as he drops his bags and slips off his shoes by the lack of noise. Usually, at this time, the TV would be on, Christopher sat just a little too close in front of it whilst the sounds of whoever is cooking dinner (usually Buck) would drift through from the kitchen. Instead, the TV is off, there are no sounds from the kitchen and no sign of Christopher. 

“Hello?” He calls out. 

There are familiar footsteps and then Buck appears from down the hallway. 

“Hey, you’re home, I didn’t hear you come in.”

Buck looks a little too pleased with himself and Eddie is suspicious.

“What’s going on? Where’s Chris?”

“Chris is having a midweek sleepover at Hen and Karen’s.”

Eddie narrows his eyes and folds his arms across his chest, “Why.”

“Number four,” Buck says as his only explanation.

“Huh?”

“On your list, tonight you will be treating yourself.”

“I will?”

“Chris is having a great time at the Wilsons, Karen has promised to drop Chris at school in the morning,” Buck begins, “Your house has been thoroughly cleaned from top to bottom-

Eddie looks around, only just noticing how tidy everything looks. Living with an eleven-year-old is sometimes like shovelling snow whilst it’s still snowing. He doesn’t remember the last time it looked this nice. 

Buck continues, “-Your fridge has been restocked, including a six-pack of your favourite beer, last night’s game has been recorded for you to watch with dinner, which will arrive in about an hour’s time.”

Eddie’s eyebrows lift up into his hairline as Buck speaks. 

“Your phone is on silent and everyone in your phonebook has been told not to disturb you unless an actual emergency has occurred.”

“ Buck, ” He can’t believe Buck spent probably most of the day on this, maybe longer. 

“There’s one last thing.” 

Buck reaches out and wraps his palm around Eddie’s bicep to tug him down the hall. Eddie has no choice but to trail after Buck who leads him to the bathroom. 

The warmth in the room hits him first, then the candles lit on the windowsill before his eyes fall on the bath, filled with hot water and plenty of bubbles. 

“A bubble bath?”

“I know, I know, but Maddie tells me this is the best way to relax, she even lent me some of her lavender bath soak. She tried to give me some blue facemask too but I thought that might be too much.”

Eddie huffs, “Might be?”

“Alright,” Buck rolls his eyes “Just try it okay? I know you had a rough shift, the soak should help those sore muscles.”

“How did you know I had a rough shift?”

“You always have a rough shift when I’m not there,” Buck answers with a shrug “Don’t think I don’t notice, because I do.”

Eddie smiles softly, “You always do.”

“Alright then, you enjoy your bath, food will be here in an hour, I’m gonna get out of your hair.”

“Wait, you’re not staying?”

“To what, bathe you?”

Eddie rolls his eyes, “For food and the game.”

“Eddie, this is about you treating yourself. When was the last time you just relaxed at home on your own?”

Eddie opens his mouth to answer but he realises he doesn’t remember the last time he had a few hours to himself that didn’t include grocery shopping, laundry or homework. 

“See? You need this.”

“Alright,” Eddie gives in, “I get it.”

“Great, now hop in that bath before it gets cold, I’ll see myself out” Buck steps out of the bathroom but he’s appearing in the doorway a moment later “And feel free to uh, really treat yourself , if you know what I mean.”

Eddie chokes, “What? I’m not gonna-

“Why? I would,” he winks and disappears down the hall. A moment later he hears the front door open and close. 

Suddenly alone in his home, Eddie doesn’t hesitate to strip off and slip into the hot water. He groans as the heat seeps into his bones. Maddie is right, it is relaxing. He lies there, eyes closed, whole body lax, until the water cools too much and his fingers go wrinkly. He grabs a clean fluffy towel left within reach by Buck, wraps it around his waist and heads into his room to change into a pair of pyjamas. He finds a clean pair on his bed, folded and waiting for him, including a pair of fuzzy socks he’s never seen before. He slips them on along with his sweats and a t-shirt and pads into the living room to wait for his food. 

Of course, the food that arrives is from his favourite Chinese place with all his usuals included. He gorges on the food and sticks the leftovers in the fridge for lunch tomorrow. 

He finds himself unable to keep his eyes open any longer, long before he’d normally head to bed. He sends a message to Hen to kiss Chris goodnight for him and then makes his way back to his bedroom. 

As he slips under the covers of his freshly made bed, he smiles. The evening was amazing and much needed. He can’t believe Buck did all that just for him. He realises as sleep takes him, that the only thing to make the evening perfect would have been if Buck had stayed. 

1. Go to a gay bar
2. Ride a horse
3. Go back to the beach
4. Treat myself
5. Do something spontaneous
6. Be vulnerable with someone other than Frank
7. Tell Pepa and Abuela
8. Go back to where it happened

Another couple of weeks go by without any mention of the list and he’s glad Buck isn’t trying to speedrun through it. He suspects there’s been a lot more research and planning being done behind the scenes that he’s not supposed to know about. 

On a Friday neither of them is working, Buck tells him to keep the afternoon free but tells him nothing else. He’s been particularly shifty in the lead-up to whatever Buck has planned which should make Eddie suspicious but he trusts Buck. He’s even more perturbed when Buck insists on picking him up for their mystery outing. 

Buck drives them to a part of town Eddie hasn’t spent much time in, about forty minutes away, and then pulls into a commercial parking lot. There’s a row of businesses along two sides of the parking lot but Buck parks in the far corner so Eddie has no idea which one Buck means for them to visit. 

Buck looks nervous as they get out of the car and walk towards the row of shops. His shoulders are tense and the way he keeps looking back to make sure Eddie is still following leaves him apprehensive. 

Finally, Buck stops mid-step and turns back to face Eddie. 

Eddie peers up at the building they’ve stopped in front of and stares at the sign above the entrance, “Axe throwing?” 

He looks back at Buck who’s staring back at him with a guilty expression. 

Eddie sighs, “What.”

“Okay, so you can kill me or tell me to fuck off and mind my own business but-”

“Just spit it out.”

Buck steels himself and meets Eddie’s eyes “I brought you here because there’s this veterans group I thought you might wanna try. They don’t do any of that sharing feeling around a circle holding cold cups of crappy coffee thing you hate, they just meet up monthly, hang out, try different activities and maybe talk a little at the same time.”

He stops, winces and then peers at Eddie through one cracked eye. Eddie doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know what to say. 

“Why?” He finally settles on. 

“I thought it would be a good way to cross off number six on the list.”

Eddie doesn’t need to see the list, he knows exactly which one that is. 

“I spoke to Bill, he runs the group, sounds like you’ll have a lot in common with some of the other members.”

“We all signed up for something before knowing exactly what we were getting into?” He jokes a little darkly. 

“Survivors guilt,” Buck replies and Eddie swallows against the lump in his throat, “They’ve all lost someone on the job.”

Eddie turns and looks back at the building. 

“So they’re meeting now, probably all inside already, I’m gonna go sit in the car for the next hour, if you go in great, if you don’t, well, there’s always next door.”

Eddie’s eyes flick to the bar with a green neon open sign flashing in the window. 

“No pressure.”

Eddie feels like he stares at the building for the full hour, but he knows that can’t be true. 

Just over 60 minutes later, he slides into the passenger seat of Buck’s Jeep. Buck looks at him with a look that almost makes Eddie laugh. He clearly wants to hear how it went whilst trying desperately to respect Eddie’s privacy. 

“So uh, we crossing that off the list?” He says finally, reaching for the list from his back pocket. Eddie’s surprised for a moment that Buck’s been carrying it around. 

“Uh no,” he clears his throat, 

“Oh, well, we can try something else?”

“I went in,” he finally reveals, “Had a good time actually, you were right, good bunch of guys. They’re hosting a family picnic in a couple of weeks, said I would go along, bring Chris.”

The joy on Buck’s face as Eddie speaks triggers something deep within his chest to somersault in a completely new way. 

“That’s good! Great even, I’m glad.”

“The reason why I don’t need to cross off number seven is that I realised, just after you left me on the doorstep back there, that I already crossed that off, a while ago, with you. ”

Buck’s eyes widen.

“I have my parents to thank for a lot of things, including how hard I’ve found it to open up to people, to be vulnerable. But I’ve never worried about that with you, because I know you’ll never judge me, or laugh at me, or hate me.”

“Never,” Buck croaks out. 

“So there,” he smiles, “Crossed off.”

“You want to do the honours?” Buck offers the piece of paper and a pen towards Eddie. 

“Think this one is yours,” Eddie grins. 

He watches Buck press the paper to his thigh and slowly, methodically, draw a line through the sixth item on the list. 

1. Go to a gay bar
   
2. Ride a horse
3. Go back to the beach
4. Treat myself
5. Do something spontaneous
6. Be vulnerable with someone other than Frank
7. Tell Pepa and Abuela
8. Go back to where it happened

Another month passes before the list makes another appearance. 

“So I was thinking,” Buck begins over a coffee and danish. They’ve just finished a forty-eight-hour shift and Eddie should want to go home, shower and crash until it’s time to pick Chris up from school. Instead, Buck had suggested breakfast and Eddie hadn’t been able to say no. 

“Go on,” Eddie encourages through a mouthful of croissant. 

The list is laid out on the table in front of them and Eddie is pleased to see their progress so far. 

“Number one.” 

Right, that one. 

It had taken Eddie thirty-five years to figure out he’s gay and another few weeks and a fair few sessions with Frank to be able to admit it to his friends. Buck was the first to be told of course and considering some of the pronouns of Buck’s previous relationships he was fairly confident it would go well. 

Without hesitation, he had pulled Eddie into a tight hug, murmured in his ear how proud he was and that was that. The team were equally supportive and whilst it might be a while yet before he’s able to come out to his parents, knowing his found family loves him for who he is is more than enough. 

The one thing he’s been too scared to do since coming out is go to a gay bar. Apart from the odd drinks after work, he’s never been one for nights out. He never really had the opportunity when he became a father and he’s much more comfortable at home watching the game or beating Buck on the Xbox. But a part of him feels like he’ll regret it if he doesn’t go to a gay bar at least once. 

“Next Friday… you and me.”

It’s the idea of going alone that has been the biggest barrier to going. He knows having Buck by his side will give him the confidence he needs to take this big step. 

“Yeah, okay,” he agrees. 

Of course the next day, Buck sidles up to Eddie while he’s cleaning the truck. 

“So here’s the thing.” 

Eddie pauses mid-wipe and sighs, “Go on.”

“I asked Hen for a recommendation for Friday and she might have…well, invited herself and Karen along. Apparently, it’s been too long since they had a date night…please don’t hate me.”

“Why would I hate you? I don’t mind if they join us.”

“You don’t?”

“Strength in numbers right?”

“Right,” Buck agrees. 

Maddie and Chimney agree to babysit Denny and Christopher for the evening and Buck volunteers to be designated driver so the others can drink and suddenly it’s Friday evening and there’s no backing out. 

He spends too long getting ready. He doesn’t exactly have a wardrobe for evenings out and he has zero ideas what you wear. Resisting the urge to call up Buck and cancel, he pulls out a simple charcoal grey henley and his most flattering pair of jeans and gets dressed. 

Buck picks up him ten minutes later and Eddie can’t help but let his eyes sweep over his choice of attire as he climbs into the passenger seat. The casual clothes Buck has chosen, flattering but comfortable make Eddie feel better about his choices and for a split second, as he’s putting on his seatbelt, he swears he catches Buck’s eyes in the rearview mirror eyeing him up appreciatively too. He blinks and Buck’s eyes are back on the road like it never happened. 

Walking up to the bar from where they parked, they see Hen and Karen huddled together near the entrance. The bar, he learns as he looks up at the large illuminated sign above the door, is called Mary’s. There’s a rainbow flag hung in the nearby window and a placard near the door welcoming all. He likes the look of the place already. 

“Come on then,” Hen beckons with a nod of her head. She leads the group, holding the door open for everyone.

Eddie stops just over the threshold and takes everything in. It’s nothing like he’d expected. It’s simple and inviting with solid wood tables, brown leather seating and sot, low-hung lighting. The bar juts out into the middle of the room, curves around and back down the other side, offering plenty of counter space. At the other end of the large space is a stage with a band already setting up instruments. 

“This isn’t what I was expecting.” 

Hen loops her arm in his and leads him towards a free table, “Thought this place would be more your style,” she explains, “Me and Hen know the owner Mary, she and her wife have been running this place for nearly twenty years now.”

“It’s nice,” he agrees. 

“And, I have it on good authority that a lot of very cute very single men are patrons.”

Eddie’s eyes widen at the implication, “Oh, well, I’m here with you guys.”

“We don’t mind if you ditch us…right Buck?”

Hen’s head snaps around to Buck and she looks at him over the top of her glasses. He startles, looks at Eddie with an unreadable expression and then wilts slightly under Hen’s gaze. 

“Of course, if that’s what you want.”

“Let’s just cross that bridge when- if we come to it okay?” 

Karen offers to buy the first round and she returns a few minutes later with three beers and a glass of red wine. They drink and chat, enjoying each other's company and enjoying the music that starts playing. They talk about work and their children and plans for the upcoming holidays and they take turns going to pick up drinks from the bar. 

By the time it’s Buck’s turn to get drinks, the bar has filled up and Eddie’s eyes follow Buck as he waits behind a couple for his turn to order. He gets distracted by a question from Karen and when he looks over again, Buck is leaning against the bar talking to a guy. The stranger is leaning in, a little too close for Eddie’s liking but Buck seems to be liking it. There’s a bitter taste in his mouth as he watches Buck grin and the man places his arm on Buck’s casually. 

“You should go over there,” Hen suggests. 

“What? No, I shouldn’t, he’s…no.” Eddie rambles slightly. 

“Maybe he needs rescuing.”

Buck’s laugh travels across the bar and the knowledge that some strange guy in a bar has made Buck laugh leaves a weight in his stomach. 

“Doesn’t sound like he needs or wants a rescue to me.” 

“You’re idiots, the both of you” Hen groans and drops her head into her hand. “Come on Karen, let’s dance.” 

She holds out her hand and Karen takes it happily. They grin at each other stupidly as Hen leads her wife out onto the dancefloor, pulls her in tightly and begins to dance to the beat. 

Drawn like a magnet, Eddie’s gaze returns to Buck. The stranger continues to talk, his hands still on Buck’s bicep but then Buck responds to something the man says and looks straight at Eddie. The man’s eyes follow Buck’s and meet his and almost instantly the man’s hand lifts away. 

Decision made, Eddie stands up and starts walking over to his best friend. By the time he’s able to work his way through the crowd, the man is gone and Buck is standing alone with four drinks lined up beside him. 

“What was that about?”

“Nothing,” Buck says a little too quickly, “He just thought you were-...nothing, don’t worry.”

“You weren’t interested?” It hurts to ask but he’s always been a glutton for punishment. 

“Him? Nah, not my type.”

“So uh, what is your type?”

Buck doesn’t answer, but his eyes drift down Eddie’s body and back up again. The weight in his stomach dissipates in response and in its place a flutter of excitement and heat he doesn’t entirely know what to do with.   

“Do you want to dance?” Buck suggests. 

His immediate response is to say no. Not because he doesn’t want to but because of how much he wants to. With Buck’s eyes, hopeful and unguarded focused on him, he looks over at the dancefloor which has filled up even more since Hen and Karen stepped onto it. 

He knows he’s scared, but the whole point of coming here, of the entire list, is to force himself to face the things he needs to face. He refuses to let fear and what-if get in the way of him being happy. 

“Okay,” he agrees. 

Relief passes across Buck’s face, quickly covered up by a shy smile. He holds out his hand, just like Hen had done for Karen and Eddie slips his hand inside Buck’s without hesitation. 

Out on the dancefloor, the music changes from something upbeat to something a little slower and his breath hitches in his throat as Buck’s hand goes to his waist. They sway to the music, his hand still tightly enclosed in the warmth of Buck’s hand

It’s nice. Perfect even. He doesn’t want the music to stop. 

Over Buck’s shoulder, Hen gives him a knowing look. 

1. Go to a gay bar
   
2. Ride a horse
3. Go back to the beach
4. Treat myself
5. Do something spontaneous
6. Be vulnerable with someone other than Frank
7. Tell Pepa and Abuela
8. Go back to where it happened

“I have a suggestion,” Buck starts on the drive into work just a week later. 

“That’s a phrase that always ends well for me,” Eddie jokes. 

Buck ignores him, “I was thinking…the weather’s starting to get a little colder, we should probably get number three crossed off pretty soonish.”

The beach. 

“And uh, maybe it would be nice to invite your Abuela and Pepa along too, make a day out of it?”

Eddie’s eyes narrow at Buck. 

“And maybe kill two birds with one stone?” Buck’s voice goes impossibly high as he speaks. 

“Buck-”

“Look, I’m absolutely not forcing you to do anything. If you don’t want to tell them, you don’t have to, of course you should only tell them if you’re completely ready, we can skip number seven on the list completely if you want. I say we go, enjoy the weather, eat a picnic, play some games and if you want to tell them you’re gay whilst we’re out, then great, if not, then we still had a nice day out,” Buck says in one breath. “Just think about it?”

“Yeah, I will” Eddie promises and then does nothing but. 

He imagines the conversation in his head. Every possibility and eventuality played out on repeat. It keeps him up at night and he burns two dinners because he can’t stop thinking about it. Buck notices because Buck notices everything. It should be frustrating, but it’s reassuring. 

"Alright, beach day out, we’ll do it,” he gives in five days later. 

“That’s great,” Buck smiles at him. “I’ll organise everything.” 

“Hermosa beach, it has to be Hermosa beach,” he insists. 

Buck gives him an inquisitive look, like he wants to ask but not sure if he should. 

“That's where we went. Me, Chris, Shannon…it’s the last good memory we have.”

“That’s why you’ve been avoiding the beach? The memories?”

“Yeah,” Eddie croaks out. 

“Hey,” Buck places a hand on his shoulder and gives it a squeeze, “New good memories don’t cancel out old ones.”

Eddie shakes his head in disbelief, “When did Evan Buckley become so wise?”

Buck laughs softly, “Guess some of what Bobby has told me over the years has started to sink in.” 

Buck does as promised and organises everything, even reaching out to Abuela and Pepa to invite them. They say yes immediately to a day out with Eddie, Buck and Chris and a few days later Buck is picking everyone up, a cooler of food and soda in the trunk alongside some towels, a ball and various other beach items he’s picked up from somewhere. 

They arrive early enough that there are still plenty of prime spots to choose from. Chris and Pepa head straight for the water’s edge whilst Buck and Eddie set up the chairs and blankets. There’s an umbrella too which is pushed deep into the sand to hold it in place. 

Of course Buck was right about coming here. He’d been expecting some kind of reaction to being at the beach, though he’d been unable to predict what emotion it would evoke. Instead, there’s a calmness that washes over him. Maybe it’s the steady rushing sound of the waves surging forwards again and again or maybe it’s being surrounded by the people he loves most in the world. 

Chris’ laughter at Buck’s antics down by the water travels across the pebbles and sandbanks and while there’s a part of him that aches, knowing Shannon is missing out on their son growing up so fast, right in front of his eyes, there’s another part of him that knows she wouldn’t want him to hide away, wouldn’t want him to be happy. 

“What are you thinking about?” Abuela’s voice interrupts his thoughts. 

He looks over at her, settled in a chair under the umbrella. He doesn’t know how long she’s been watching him for. 

“Shannon,” he answers her honestly, “We came here together, not long before she died,” he explains. 

“This place has bad memories?”

“No,” he quickly asserts. “It’s not like that.”

She gives him a soft look he’s unable to decipher, “Tell me,” she prods. 

He takes a moment to consider his answer. In the meantime, Buck launches himself dramatically into the water to catch the ball Christopher throws. He grins. 

“It was nice of your man to organise this,” Abuela changes the subject. 

“Oh, he’s not- His cheeks go red and he ducks his head. 

“But you want him to be.”

Eddie’s eyes snap up to meet hers in surprise. “You know?”

“I've had my suspicions,” she replies 

“We both did,” Pepa adds and Eddie hadn’t seen her walk over to join them. 

He looks at them both, looking for any kind of reaction that would help him know their feelings on the matter. The longer they stay quiet, the tighter his chest feels. 

“And you’d be okay with that? If he was mine?” His voice is quiet, barely audible. He’s terrified of their response. He knows deep down what his parents will think and a part of him is resigned to that. He’s not sure he would be able to handle rejection from the two women who have worked to undo every little bit of damage done by his mom and dad. Who have loved him and Chris unconditionally since the moment they moved to LA. 

“My darling boy,” Abuela reaches out and slips her hand into Eddie’s. “He already is yours, you just haven’t realised it yet.”

Eddie’s heart stutters back to life. He squeezes her hand like his life depends on it and she squeezes back just as tightly. 

On his other side, Pepa lays her hand down on his shoulder. “He makes you happy, that’s all we care about.”

A weight lifts from his shoulders and at home later that evening, he retrieves the list from Buck’s jacket pocket and crosses off both items with a thick black pen. Buck grins at him proudly the whole time. 

1. Go to a gay bar
   
2. Ride a horse
   
3. Go back to the beach
   
4. Treat myself
5. Do something spontaneous
6. Be vulnerable with someone other than Frank
   
7. Tell Pepa and Abuela
8. Go back to where it happened

Since they started this little project, Eddie has been curious to know how Buck planned on completing number five on the list. He couldn’t exactly plan something spontaneous. He assumes Buck is thinking the same thing as they head into November without completing any more items. 

That changes on a drive back from a hike. He hates how well Buck knows him sometimes and if it wasn’t for Buck coaxing him out of the house, they both know he would sit at home, dwelling on his son growing up way too fast. 

So they drive out of the city, tire themselves out on a long walk, enjoy the view from the top of the hill they climb and then head straight back down to the car to go home. He’s so tired he dozes on the route back into the city, letting the rumble of the car and the radio on low wash over him.

Suddenly and without warning the car stops and it’s only his seatbelt that stops Eddie’s body from launching forwards. His eyes shoot open and he starts looking around for whatever caused Buck to brake so abruptly. There’s nothing immediately obvious to him 

“What the-” 

There’s nothing immediately obvious to him and he can only stare at Buck in confusion as he does a tight u-turn and heads back in the direction they just came from. “What’s going on?”

“You’ll see,” Buck says. 

They turn a corner and continue towards a long bridge Eddie remembers passing on their way to the hiking spot. The bridge crosses a deep ridge with a river below it. As they drive back onto the bridge, Eddie spots a small group congregating near the middle. 

“Is that what I think it is?”

“Yup,” Buck grins. 

“You’re crazy.”

Buck shrugs, “You wanted spontaneous.” 

He parks up and climbs out, already striding towards the small group at speed. Eddie groans, curses Buck under his breath, says a small prayer and follows Buck. 

He can’t believe what Buck has roped them into. He’s been in his fair share of high-adrenaline moments in his life. He’s been to war and walked through burning buildings. He’s never stood on the edge of a bridge, a three-hundred feet drop with nothing but a bungee cord stopping him from serious harm. 

He doesn’t know what Buck says to the group, but they seem happy to let two strangers temporarily join them. After some quick introductions to the group, he watches a young girl in her twenties get strapped into safety gear and the bungee cord. She climbs over the railing and without hesitation launches herself off. She screams the entire way down and the sound echoes against the rocks and fills Eddie's ears. It takes a bit of time to get her back on solid ground and then the guy coordinating the jumps tells him it’s their turn. 

“Huh?” Eddie’s eyes flick from the man to Buck and back again. 

“Tandem,” Buck grins at him. “Greg let us jump if we went together, they’re losing light and there’s still another couple of the crew to jump.”

There are some weight calculations to do and then before Eddie knows it, someone is strapping him into a harness and helmet and the bungee rope is being attached to his legs. Someone is doing the same to Buck right alongside him. 

“Alright, get in close,” Greg pushes and pulls them into position and suddenly Eddie’s body is pressed up against Buck’s from chest to feet. There’s not an inch of space between them and all Eddie is aware of is Buck’s warm breath against his skin and his arms wrapping around his waist. 

Somehow, once they are securely tied together, they are lifted over the railings and onto the narrow edge on the other side. Eddie doesn’t want to look down at the sheer drop to his left, nor does he want to look up at the expression on Buck’s face, not when his arms are wrapped so tightly around Eddie he’s convinced Buck could feel his heart thudding in his chest. Buck’s body against his is a warm steady presence whilst the knowledge of what they are about to do sends shivers down his spine. 

“Are you ready?” Buck asks in his ear. His voice is low. This is just for the two of them, even when there are eight pairs of eyes watching them.  

Eddie sucks in a deep breath and finally meets Buck’s eyes, turquoise blue beaming down at him. 

“Let’s do this.”

Buck counts to three and then uses his weight to launch them both off the edge. 

Time freezes for a moment and in that second it feels like they’re flying. Another second later they begin to fall. Eddie gasps at the rapid drop, his stomach lurching at the sensation. Buck’s whooping is deafening and he can’t help but hold onto Buck a little bit tighter. The drop lasts just a few seconds yet feels like it happens in slow motion. Eventually, there’s no more rope and when they are just a few feet away from the cool river below, the elastic begins to jerk them back up again. They are lifted into the air and dropped again from a smaller height over and over again until all the energy in the chord has been expended. 

Eddie can’t help but laugh against Buck as they wait for someone to rescue them. He can feel the adrenaline coursing through his veins and for the first time in forever, he lets himself enjoy the sensation. He feels alive in a way he wouldn’t ever be able to explain. 

He sees it in Buck’s eyes, the same rush. He understands. Buck’s helmet knocks against his and they grin at each other a little stupidly.

“Can’t believe we just did that,” he says, only just noticing how out of breath he sounds. 

“Spontaneous enough for you?” Buck checks. 

Eddie just laughs again, giddy as they swing.

1. Go to a gay bar
   
2. Ride a horse
   
3. Go back to the beach
   
4. Treat myself
   
5. Do something spontaneous
   
6. Be vulnerable with someone other than Frank
   
7. Tell Pepa and Abuela
8. Go back to where it happened

Eddie is acutely aware, as they reach December and people start decorating for the holidays, that there’s still one item left on his list. He isn’t surprised Buck has left this one till last nor is he surprised Buck hasn’t asked what number eight on the list even means. They both know.  

As time passes, he begins to worry this is one item Buck is unable to help him with. As hard as it is for Eddie, Buck went through his own trauma that day and asking him to return to that same street is maybe asking too much. 

“We don’t have to you know,” he brings it up during a calm moment on shift. Most of the rest of the team is resting. It’s just him and Buck in the kitchen, sitting opposite each other with matching mugs of tea. “We don’t have to finish the list.”

“No,” Buck disagrees, “We should go back there, it’s time.”

“Alright,” Eddie croaks out. “When?”

“After shift,” Buck decides. “No time like the present.”

There’s a tension that runs through the rest of their shift. The knowledge of what they plan to do sits heavily over both of them. The others notice, they couldn’t not, but no one says anything and Eddie’s grateful for the space. 

Eventually, their replacements begin to arrive for their shift and it’s time for Buck and Eddie to change into civvies and leave. 

Buck takes his time and Eddie waits by the Jeep for him to appear. When he does, Buck looks surprised to see Eddie standing there. 

“What?”

“Nothing,” Buck shakes his head. 

“Did you think I would change my mind?”

“Were you standing by the Jeep in case I changed mine?” Buck counters. 

Eddie rolls his eyes, “Come on, let’s do this.”

“What about your car?” Buck asks as Eddie climbs into the passenger seat. 

“If you don’t think you’re staying at mine after this, you’re delusional.” 

Buck lets out a huff but says nothing. It’s only a short drive to their destination. There’s a reason they were there in the first place. It’s in the 118’s call radius. 

After parking up, Buck doesn’t move straight away. Eddie can’t help but reach across and lay his hand down on Buck’s arm. 

“Come on,” he encourages softly. “It’s time.”

Slowly, they climb out of the Jeep and start walking closer to where it all happened. It’s been over eight months since that day and there are no visible signs left on the road of that day. The damaged vehicles towed away quickly and the blood washed away by rain. Even Charlie’s balcony above them has been repaired, looking like nothing ever happened. 

It’s eerie. 

He doesn’t remember much from that day, not after rescuing Charlie from his mom. He doesn’t even remember standing in the middle of the street. He stands there now hoping memories return but they don’t. He finds himself turning around and facing the direction the bullet came from. The sniper was too far away for him to see where he was hiding that day, but there’s something freeing about standing back on this spot, facing towards the sniper’s nest, healthy and whole, like it’s the ultimate ‘fuck you’

“What do you remember?” He finds himself asking. He looks back to check Buck’s still with him. Of course he is, just a few paces away, watching over Eddie. 

“All of it,” The answer is blunt and Eddie can hear the rawness in his answer. He forgets, just how much support he’s had to deal with the shooting and how little Buck has received. 

“Tell me.”

“Eddie-

“Please, ” he insists. 

So Buck talks. He tells Eddie everything he remembers, from when they exited Charlie’s building to when he was wheeled through the hospital doors. 

Eddie listens; noting the points in the story where Buck glosses over details and other points where Buck goes into such minute detail he worries Buck is experiencing a full-blown flashback. Buck tells him how he crawled under the fire truck to reach him, how he lifted his deadweight up into the truck like it was nothing and how Eddie was worried he was the one hurt. There’s an image that appears in his mind, vague and incomplete, of Buck looking down at him with blood splattered across his face, on his lips. 

He looks exhausted after he finishes talking and Eddie can’t help but cross the distance between them and pull his best friend into a hug. Buck’s face presses into his neck and neither of them talks about the moisture left on his collar afterwards. Eddie feels Buck grip the back of his shirt tightly like he doesn’t want Eddie to go, so he doesn’t. They stay there for as long as Buck needs. 

“Thank you,” Eddie finally whispers. “I know I’ve already said that…but thank you .”

When they eventually separate, Eddie slips his hand into Buck’s back pocket to steal his car keys. Buck doesn’t say anything in response, just lets Eddie guide him to the passenger seat. 

1. Go to a gay bar
   
2. Ride a horse
   
3. Go back to the beach
   
4. Treat myself
   
5. Do something spontaneous
   
6. Be vulnerable with someone other than Frank
   
7. Tell Pepa and Abuela
   
8. Go back to where it happened

Buck appears on Christmas eve with a huge bag of presents under one arm and a weekend bag in the other. As soon as he’s through the front door he sweeps Christopher up into an awkward hug and then hands Chris the bag of presents to place under the tree.  

It’s C-shift’s turn to cover Christmas this year which means three full days off and it’ll just be him, Christopher and Buck for the entire time. Abuela and Pepa had already flown back to El Paso for a couple of weeks and as much as his mother had begged, Eddie hadn’t been interested in doing the same on Christmas eve for just a night or two. Whilst Buck had also been invited to Bobby and Athena’s and Maddie and Chimney’s, he was a little bit smug that Buck had chosen him and Chris over them. 

“Why don’t you stick that in my room,” Eddie suggests, motioning to the weekend back slung over his shoulder. “Uh, to put it out of the way,” he quickly adds, hoping the warmth of the room hid his flushed cheeks. 

Buck gives Eddie a strange look but does as he’s told, returning a few minutes later in a pair of sweats and a soft maroon sweater. Eddie wants to reach out and touch but then Buck steps out of arm’s reach to sit by Chris and Eddie returns to the kitchen. 

He serves a chilli with baked potatoes, sour cream and plenty of grated cheese on top which all three inhale in front of a Christmas film Chris chooses. They squish onto the couch together with Chris in the middle, eating their dinner on trays. By the time the credits roll, Chris’ head is on Buck’s thigh and his feet are propped up on Eddie’s lap.

Reluctantly, he reaches out and pats Christopher’s back softly to wake him, “Come on Kiddo, time for bed.” 

Chris mumbles sleepily and lifts his head. As Chris pulls himself upright, Buck leans over and presses a gentle kiss into the curls on top of his head.

“Goodnight, see you in the morning,” he promises. 

There’s something so warm and domestic about the gesture that Eddie struggles to focus for a good thirty seconds, by which time Chris is halfway across the room. There are times, even now, when Buck doubts his place in their family, insists he’s not a father and then he does things like that and Eddie wishes he could shake him until he sees sense. Even a piece of paper that legally places Chris into Buck’s care if something ever happens to him didn’t seem to be enough to make him see. Make him understand. 

Eddie chases after Chris, makes sure his teeth are brushed and then tucks his son into bed. Chris is out like a light almost immediately. 

When Eddie returns to the living room, he finds Buck has gotten up and from somewhere retrieved a cool bottle of champagne and two glasses. The cork comes free with a resounding pop and then Buck fills the flutes halfway with the fizzy alcohol. 

“What’s the occasion?” He asks as he takes the offered glass and clinks it against Buck’s. 

“Well,” Buck starts after gulping down a mouthful of champagne, “It’s Christmas, we’ve got the next three days off work and we finished your list, just before the deadline.” he grins. 

“Hmm,” Eddie hums, “That’s great, but the list is incomplete.”

Buck frowns at him, “What are you talking about?”

The piece of paper, now very familiar to both of them now, a lot more worn and tattered since it flew out of its hiding place in the book, is retrieved from Eddie’s pocket. 

With his heart thudding in his chest and roaring in his ears, he hands it over “See? There are two last things on the list to complete.” 

He watches and waits, barely able to breathe as Buck takes the list, unfolds it and stares at the contents. A moment later he’s looking back up at Eddie, his eyes glistening with moisture. 

“Really?” He asks, his voice barely a whisper. 

1. Go to a gay bar
   
2. Ride a horse
   
3. Go back to the beach
   
4. Treat myself
   
5. Do something spontaneous
   
6. Be vulnerable with someone other than Frank
   
7. Tell Pepa and Abuela
   
8. Go back to where it happened
9. Tell Buck I’m in love with him
10. Kiss Buck 

"Buck…If I didn’t already love you like crazy before we started working through this list, then what you’ve done for me these last few months would have definitely made me fall in love with you," he admits, finally being honest with himself, with Buck. 

“Every moment… the bungee jump and the bubble bath and Banana-split-” Buck lets out a half sob-half laugh, “Everything we did, I couldn’t have done without you, you make me stronger, braver and it’s just made me love you more.”

“How do you always know exactly what to say?” 

Eddie shrugs, “You bring it out of me I guess…how do you always know exactly what I need?” He counters. 

Buck grins, “Finished reading that book on love languages, mine is acts of service.”

“You don’t say,” Eddie grins back. 

“So uh, that’s number nine done, think it’s about time you tried attempting number ten.”

“Ah yes, number ten,”

Eddie slowly takes a step towards Buck, then another, stepping right up into Buck’s personal space. This time, there’s no harness holding them together, It’s just the two of them, standing in the middle of his living room, illuminated by the lights on the tree. But they’re still standing on the edge of something, there’s still a risk to take with just faith that when they jump, they won’t hit the ground. 

He’s ready to take that leap and there’s a sureness in Buck’s eyes that convinces him he’s just as ready. 

“Something tells me I might need to attempt number ten more than once.”

Buck’s smile widens, “Better to be safe than sorry,” he agrees. 

He ducks his head down just as Eddie’s tilts up. A warm hand lands on his hip, holding him steady whilst the other slips up his shoulder and cups his cheek. The first press of lips, soft and careful and somewhat hesitant leaves Eddie immediately wanting more. He presses in closer, giving Buck permission to take. The hand on his waist slides around and up underneath Eddie’s shirt and the feeling sends shivers down his spine. A gasp leaves his mouth and Buck takes the opportunity to deepen the kiss. As soon as one kiss ends, Buck’s lips are back on his for more. Eddie tastes the champagne on Buck’s tongue and each subsequent kiss is a promise of so much more. 

After a while, they separate for oxygen. Their chests heave as they hold each other, not wanting to let go even a little bit. 

“Eddie?” Buck murmurs. 

His breath is hot against Eddie’s neck and his thumb slides across Eddie’s cheekbone; a combination that short-circuits Eddie’s brain. 

“Hmm?” Is all Eddie can manage. 

“I love you too.”

1. Go to a gay bar
2. Ride a horse
3. Go back to the beach
4. Treat myself
5. Do something spontaneous
6. Be vulnerable with someone other than Frank
7. Tell Pepa and Abuela
8. Go back to where it happened
9. Tell Buck I’m in love with him
10. Kiss Buck
11. Be happy