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The scent is the first thing he notices. The firm pillow the next. The strange taste on his tongue the third.
This didn’t really happen, did it? It couldn’t have.
Nick opens his eyes slowly. There it is. There he is. Because it did, in fact, happen.
Fuck, Charlie is waking up, too.
What the hell is he going to do now?
+++
Nick had really tried to get over his crush. He really, really had. As expected, it got better when he left for uni. But things also got worse. He missed his best friend like crazy, every message and every stupid GIF reminding him of that fact. But after a couple of weeks and the lack of physical closeness, some things began to fade.
Things like the feeling of his arm resting on Charlie’s shoulders or like how Charlie’s hair smelled when he’d washed it that day. The scent isn’t as prominent in Nick’s mind as it used to be. Gone are the tingles in his fingertips whenever they would lie next to each other on Charlie’s bedroom rug, listening to music and talking about everything and nothing. Almost forgotten is the feeling of his lips and mouth becoming dry when he would think about kissing his best friend and feeling like he would wither without.
The tingles and urges that came from the closeness have been fading, yes. In their place rests a dull ache now. It’s an ache he can soothe, somewhat. By never being done with uni work, by rugby practice, by hanging out with loads of new people. By not texting each other about anything and everything.
Some days, Nick feels like he might’ve succeeded. He’d gotten over Charlie, or that specific version of Charlie. The version of Charlie that was much more than his best friend.
And so a year went by and suddenly, Charlie is close again. Or closer. A 30-minute train ride away, in York.
They said they’d try and meet up once a month or so, on weekends. As a surprise to no one, Nick takes a train to York on Charlie’s first weekend there.
He’d barely taken his seat when he feels it: the tingling in his fingers, the smell of shampoo in his nose, the dryness on his lips.
It’s all coming back and he wasn’t even in touching distance yet.
They’d seen each other over holidays and all that, so it’s not like they hadn’t been in touch. But the minute Charlie sent that selfie with the key to his dorm room, it felt different.
And when Nick got on that train, it felt like no time has passed at all.
“I can’t wait to see you! I’ll pick you up from the stationnn asdfjasdfjkals!!”
Yeah. Not a thing has faded. And any and all illusions of having gotten over Charlie Spring are left behind at Leeds station.
+
Nick’s been to his fair share of freshers’ parties. Enough of them to know that he’s done with them. But when Charlie asks if he wants to come to his first uni party, Nick says yes. Obviously. Because Charlie is so freaking excited about being at uni and it’s humanly impossible to stay immune and not bask in Charlie’s… glow.
They get sloshed. Because they’re both giddy and excited and did he mention the glow?
So yeah, it’s really Charlie’s fault that Nick is drunk, too. He feels like he is, anyway. Even though he’d planned to keep a sober eye on Charlie Lightweight Spring.
“Why are you drunk?” Charlie wants to know. “You’ve only had like, two beers!”
Huh.
Nick doesn’t have time to unpack that, however, because Charlie is telling him some hilarious story about his new roommate.
“Come dance with me!” he says after finishing his anecdote.
“No.”
“Niiiiick!”
“I’m staying here to watch your grasshopper, grasshopper.”
“But I wanna dance with you! Are you really gonna make me go look for someone else to dance?”
That doesn’t seem like a good option at all. So, Nick relents. Because when has he ever said no to Charlie?
Charlie knows this, of course. Which is why he’s already dragging him onto the makeshift dancefloor.
They really needn’t have bothered with the plastic disco balls and the weird strobe light thing, Nick thinks. Because Charlie is lighting up the whole room on his own.
After two songs worth of bad dance moves and a lot of laughing, Charlie wraps his arms around Nick's shoulders. His face finds its way into the crook of Nick’s neck. It’s entirely new and Nick forgets how to breathe. He remembers how when he hears and feels Charlie sigh against his neck.
The fact that they’re swaying together this way to a Lady Gaga song should feel awkward. But it’s magnificent.
Nick is about to ask Charlie if he wants to head out, either for a bit of air or back to his dorm to sleep it off, when he feels it: Charlie’s lips pressing to his neck. Once. Twice.
And Nick knows right then and there that his life will never be the same.
+
He doesn’t even know how they made it back to Charlie’s dorm.
All he knows is that he can’t stop kissing Charlie and might not ever. Because after two years of longing, endless nights of wishing he could taste him, of fingers itching to touch his skin, he finally can.
Charlie is so freaking hot moving in Nick’s lap, delicious moans falling from his lips.
Nick can’t believe he gets to have him like this. Gets to feel Charlie’s denim-clad ass pressing into his own crotch over and over. Gets to finally, finally slide his fingers under his shirt and dig into soft skin. Tug on those fantastic curls to get better access to his jaw.
The ache in Nick’s chest is brimming with relief while his desire is making his head spin. He’s never been this hard in his life - not after half an hour of edging himself, not while watching the hottest porn he could find.
Charlie’s moans become desperate, and Nick’s hands move of their own accord. He knows there’s no coming back from this but he can’t not.
He reaches down and zips Charlie’s fly open – the sound echoing in his brain. There’s no finesse when Nick’s fingers push denim and cotton out of the way until they curl around hard flesh.
“Nick!” Charlie gasps.
Nick wants to die in the sound. He tightens his grip, pushes up against Charlie harder, bites into a fleshy shoulder, and soon, his vision goes blurry from pleasure.
+++
Nick swallows. He waits for Charlie’s eyes to focus.
“Hi,” he says. Because he doesn’t know what else to say. The pillow against the side of his face feels scratchy.
“Hi.”
They stare at each other and Nick bites his lip. Because this is everything he feared.
Charlie was drunk yesterday. He’s not anymore. Nick closes his eyes because if he has to watch the inevitable regret settling in Charlie’s eyes, it will break his fucking heart.
“I…” Charlie starts. “I don’t know what to say.”
Nick risks a glance, lets himself hope for a second, but the regret is there. It's etched into Charlie’s face.
Nick’s chest constricts and his throat burns as he chokes out a sob.
“What… Nick?”
Charlie’s worried tone only adds to the hurt. Because he doesn’t understand. Because his heart is not breaking into a million tiny pieces right now.
Nick sits up, swings his legs out of bed and grabs for his jeans. He’s surprised he can move.
“Can you please talk to me? I’m sorry! Nick, please!”
Nick gets up, pulls his sweatshirt over his head and quickly wipes his eyes on a sleeve.
“Why are you crying?” Charlie whispers, clearly on the verge of tears himself. Because they fucked it all up. And Nick’s dream has become a nightmare reality. And that’s a very good reason to cry.
And then Charlie reaches for his hand and Nick pulls away instantly.
“I’m crying because I’m in love with you! And because this fucking hurts.”
Tears sting his cheeks, hot and desperate, and Charlie’s silence just about kills him.
“I— you—what?” Charlie stammers after entirely too long, drawing the blanket even tighter around himself.
“I can’t do this. I need to go,” Nick grits out.
And then he’s moving, jogging, running, leaving behind his best friend and - if he’s lucky - a little bit of the pain.
Because the worst part of being in love with your best friend is that they’re your highest high same as they are your lowest, heart-shattering low.
+
Nick’s been sitting on this stupid bench for forever, but the platform monitor says that it’ll still be another 18 minutes.
He wonders if he should get another ticket, just to be sure. Just in case the conductor won’t accept the crumpled and tear-stained piece of paper in his hands.
God. This is the worst day of his life.
It’s freezing today and he realizes he left his jacket behind. He’s just glad he thought to grab his backpack and phone.
Shit, the charger.
9 percent charge left. That’s not enough to do a damn thing on the train. Great. It’s not like he ever needed a distraction more. But of course the universe won’t even grant him that. Not after he fucked up royally.
“Nick!”
Was that—
He shoots up from his seat.
“Nick! What the fuck!” Charlie is panting, eyes wide, sweater on backwards.
Nick doesn’t say anything. Can’t. Why is he here?
“Why did you leave?”
Nick blinks. How could he not? “Well, I mean, obviously…”
“No. Not obviously.” Charlie motions in the air with his hand. He clutches his side with the other, still breathing heavily. “I’m starting to think that there’s a couple of not obvious things at play here.”
“Did you run here?”
“What does it look like?”
“It looks like you did.”
There’s a pause and they just stare at each other. Nick doesn’t know how to look away.
“What are you doing?” he asks, finally.
“We need to talk and I… I couldn’t just let you leave.” Charlie looks on the floor now. “I considered it because you’re a fucking prick for leaving like that. But um, Jenny gave me some… perspective, I guess.”
Ah, the roommate. She seemed nice, but the verdict is still out. Depending on what kind of perspectives she gives.
“Um. Okay?”
“After you left, she… she found me crying in bed and we talked. About you. And me.”
Great. A stranger weighing in on their relationship. What could be better? Nick wants to— but he stops his train of thought because Charlie is looking up again. Staring at him. Nick tries to swallow the lump in his throat.
“She told me she’d assumed that we’re together,” Charlie says before biting his lip. “Even before she saw us making out on the dancefloor.”
“…Okay?”
“And I… wanted to ask you: Did you mean what you said? About being in love with me?”
“What do you—”
“It’s a yes or no question, Nick.”
No use in denying anything. Nick takes a deep breath. “Yes.”
Charlie nods, studying the floor. “Alright. Then…are you fucking stupid?!”
“Excuse me?”
“Do you really not know?”
“Do I really not know what?”
“That I’ve been embarrassingly in love with you for forever?”
Nick’s world grinds to a halt. He thinks he hears the wheels creaking. This doesn’t make any sense.
“You… what? But… you… you never,” he stammers.
“Yeah, you also never!”
“But… when I went to uni. You messaged me less and less. I thought…” Charlie had pulled away and it was awful.
“Well, yeah, to give you space! I figured you don’t need the nerd from back home messaging you all day when you’re starting uni and meeting hundreds of cool new people. And I thought it was high time I got over my hardcore crush on you.”
Nick bites his lip. “Did you?”
“Nick. How could I ever.” Charlie sighs. “That plan did not work at all. As evidenced by the fact that I threw myself at you the first time I got drunk.”
Nick tries to process. It’s hard. “So… you actually…?”
Charlie laughs and shakes his head. “I can’t believe you didn’t know! It’s not like I was subtle.”
“Too subtle for me, it seems.”
“How did no one let it slip either? I mean, everyone knew!”
“What do you mean ‘everyone knew’?”
“Well, our friends. Tori. Probably more people.”
“What?!”
Charlie shrugs. “I think I was obvious to everyone but you, honestly.”
There’s probably a much better way to proceed from here. More talk to be had. But Nick is still in shock. And also… kind of pissed? He feels his pocket for his phone and pulls it out.
“What are you doing?”
“You’ll see.”
Charlie pulls out his own phone, as well.
“Quick poll,” Nick writes into their group chat. “Does everyone here know that Charlie and I have been crushing on each other?”
“Crushing” is the way to go for now, Nick decides. Even though it’s only half the truth.
“Oh god,” Charlie says.
Nick blindly reaches for his hand, eyes trained on his phone screen. Without looking up, he pulls Charlie down on the bench with him.
Sure enough, the first reaction is already there.
“Well duh.”
“Obviously.”
“Was that a secret?”
“Frankly, it baffles me that you haven’t officially gotten together long ago.”
Un-fucking-believable.
Nick’s fingers fly over the keyboard. “And why the fuck did none of you ever think to mention this to either of us?”
“Um. Honestly, I kind of assumed that you’ve been hooking up for a while?”
“Yeah, I figured you just didn’t wanna label it or something?”
“Your mutual pining got so ridiculous at one point that it made me angry. I told Charlie even.”
“Tao! I didn’t think you were serious!” Charlie types. “I really thought he wasn’t serious,” he says to Nick.
“Well, that’s on you then,” Tao answers. “Honestly, how did you not see it, Charlie? Nick was cringe.”
“I love how even the king of meddling chose to stay out of that one,” writes Darcy.
“Ok wow. I’m getting new friends,” Nick writes. Because seriously. He puts his phone back in his pocket. The other hand is still holding Charlie’s.
“So, what the heck do we do now?” Charlie grins.
“First things first: We kiss. A lot.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. And then, we buy railcards. And then I’m taking you on a date. Or actually, you’re taking me on a date and show me the city. And we kiss a lot more.”
Charlie has no objections, so they do just that. They kiss until their lips hurt and Nick gets to finally hold Charlie’s hand for a lot longer than a couple of seconds. In fact, he doesn’t let go for most of the day. Or during the night.
+
The next time Nick wakes up in Charlie’s dorm bed, the experience couldn’t be more different.
He watches Charlie sleep for a while, like the creep that he is, tracing his fingers over a naked shoulder blade and arm. He stops to pinch himself twice to make sure he’s awake.
When Charlie finally stirs, it’s all the “go” Nick needs. He kisses Charlie’s smiling mouth and slides his body on top of his under the covers.
“Hi,” he mumbles into Charlie’s jaw.
“Hi.”
Nick smiles into Charlie’s neck. He lets his fingers skim over Charlie’s waist and revels in the tingles. He noses up into Charlie’s hair and breathes in deeply. Because he gets to have this now, have Charlie now. And a whole future with him.
Because the best part of being in love with your best friend is that you already know each other inside and out. You can get right to the good part.