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Rex was lying on his back on his cot, unable to fall asleep. The Siege of Mandalore had been going on for over a month now. Ahsoka had been back with the 501st – or, well, the 332nd –, back where she belonged, for over a month. It wasn’t just him that was happy about her return; he could feel it all around him. Those who had served under her command before rejoiced in her return, and the shinies who hadn’t met her yet quickly recognised her experience, her strategic mind, and most of all her great care towards the clones. Towards men who were created as nothing but disposable pawns, but who, under her command – just like under General Skywalker’s –, were offered individuality, shown loyalty. Loyalty meant everything to the clones. Having her back was the singular best thing that had happened to them since the beginning of the war.
And yet…
For the third time that night Rex sat up to attempt to fluff the simple pillow on his cot. They had Ahsoka back, but save for a show of loyalty onboard the Admiral’s cruiser he hadn’t really gotten the chance to talk to her, other than strategic discussions with Bo-Katan.
Of course, as her Captain – fellow Commander still felt odd –, there wasn’t really any reason for him to have any contact with her outside of battle. But Ahsoka had always been more than just his Commander to him. It felt as if there were some things being left unsaid between them, and he didn’t like that.
After Fives’s death – Fives’s murder –, Rex had kept dwelling on the things his brother had told him, making him wonder what he himself could have said. What he should have said. The loss of the ARC Trooper who had become a good friend to him pressed heavily on his shoulders, guilt at his own inability to help him alternating with anger at the Republic and the Jedi for not standing with him.
Ahsoka had experienced something similar, though thankfully she hadn’t had to pay for it with her life. And Rex didn’t want to repeat his mistake.
But she was always in the thick of action, always surrounded by their men or Bo-Katan and the Mandalarions. He never had a chance to get her alone.
Rex sighed as he turned back onto his side. He didn’t blame her for it. He himself also rarely knew a moment of peace, always either fighting, discussing strategy, or otherwise getting asked or told things by his men. The only moments he had to himself were at night, when he was sleeping.
The idea came to him in a stroke of – well, not brilliance, but desperation. Ahsoka had retired for the night as well. Perhaps she was still awake, and he could finally talk to her in private…?
Quickly putting on his armour again – getting spotted going up to Ahsoka’s room in the middle of the night wearing only his black bodysuit would undoubtedly get the men talking –, Rex made his way through the building. Luckily the hallway was empty, his brothers and the Mandalorians either sleeping as well or downstairs on patrol.
He had to steel himself for a second as he reached Ahsoka’s door. What if there was a reason they hadn’t found time to talk for real? What if Ahsoka didn’t want to see him as anything more than an officer, than a soldier, anymore?
Taking a deep breath, he knocked, very softly. If she doesn’t respond, I’ll leave.
“Commander? Are you awake?”
It didn’t take long for the door to be opened, Ahsoka standing with her lightsabers at the ready, clad in just a crop top and shorts. Rex desperately tried to focus on her face instead of the amount of orange skin on plain display.
“Rex, what’s going on?” Ahsoka asked, her tone ready to take action – so ready, in fact, that Rex suspected the she hadn’t been sleeping either.
“Nothing” he said quickly, his eyes following the white markings on her face, as long as it didn’t make him look down. He’d seen her wear approximately this attire before, it was no big deal, he could handle this.
Yeah, but that was when she was still just a child.
Seeing Ahsoka raise a questioning eyebrow at him, he continued: “Nothing alarming, just… can we talk?”
The white markings that served as her eyebrows went even higher. “You wanna talk strategy now? Can’t it wait until morning?”
Rex could feel blood rush into his cheeks in embarrassment. She doesn’t even consider another option…?
“Not strategy” he mumbled in response. “I just… there’s something I need to talk to you about, and in the morning all the others will be there.”
Ahsoka’s expression changed, lowering her lightsabers, and he knew that she realised that this was something different. “Come in.”
He did, as usual obeying her without question – long gone were the days where he was sceptical of her youth – and following her inside. Her room was quite similar to his own, small, just a simple cot against the wall. Ahsoka sat down on it, motioning for him to join her.
It was purely psychosomatic – he was wearing his armour –, but somehow Rex felt the warmth of her body having lain on the mattress just before he came in. It made him feel warm as well.
“So what is it?” she asked him, her tone gentle, her expression a mixture of curiosity and concern.
He sighed, trying to keep himself in check. She can feel everything through the Force. “We never really talked about… how you left.”
Immediately Ahsoka’s face fell. “Rex, I’m so sorry” she said, with a humility he didn’t know from her. “I wanted to say goodbye, I really did, I – … I just couldn’t, I couldn’t face it.”
“No need to apologise, sir,” Rex replied quickly, surprised by her reaction, “I understand. We all understand.”
“I’m sorry” Ahsoka repeated.
“No, I’m sorry” he countered. “I hunted you. I tried to arrest you for a crime you didn’t commit.”
It still haunted him. The shock, the hopelessness in her face as she had leapt away from them, into the lower levels of Coruscant. The anger General Skywalker had had towards the Jedi Council for not standing with her. He’d never gotten over that.
“It wasn’t your fault, Rex” Ahsoka said softly. “Nor was it Anakin’s. You were ordered to, you had no choice.”
Rex sighed. “I could have defied those orders. I could have been Fives.”
“You were hesitant” Ahsoka said. “And that hesitance helped me escape, which was much more help than what Wolffe and his men did.”
“I guess” Rex mumbled.
They sat in silence for a while.
“What happened to Fives?” Ahsoka asked.
Rex stiffened, the realisation hitting him. She doesn’t know.
Fives’s defiance and subsequent murder had left a deep impact on the 501st, General Skywalker included. Rex – and Kix, to a certain extent – was perhaps the only one who knew Fives’s side of the story, having been told by the Chancellor and General Skywalker to stick with the official story of the Separatist virus that had affected Tup’s inhibitor chip, and Fives going rogue as a result of removing his, towards his men. Wondering what Fives’s discovery meant for them – if clones had a chip, did that mean that they were programmed just like droids? When he had always assumed that to be the key difference between them? – , Rex had filed a grievance report, so that whatever Fives had attempted hadn’t been in vain. If nothing else, at least this way he honoured the work his fallen comrade had been killed for.
Ahsoka was still looking at him expectantly, and he decided that it was too much to discuss now. “I’ll tell you later. When this is over.”
She nodded in understanding, her expression becoming a little more solemn.
She must have noticed that Fives wasn’t with them. Perhaps she’d assumed that he had gone with General Skywalker. Perhaps she’d thought that he had been killed in battle, like so many other men. Fives wasn’t the only clone she’d known from before that hadn’t been there to see her return.
“I’m really sorry I didn’t say goodbye, Rex” Ahsoka said once again. “Walking away from Anakin was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I couldn’t walk away from you too. I know it’s cowardly and unfair, I just… I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t let you go too.”
Rex stared at her, praying to whatever deity would listen to a clone – caf, Fives would have said, once having attempted to start an official clone religion in 79’s together with Hardcase – that she wouldn’t sense the way his heart rate accelerated at her words, the way his mind went simultaneously blank and a chaotic mess of all sort of feelings at once. Had she really just put him at the same level as General Skywalker? Her Master? Her mentor? Her friend?
Ahsoka gave him a shrewd look. “What are you thinking of?”
“Perhaps it was good that you didn’t come say goodbye, because I wouldn’t have let you go” he blurted out.
She chuckled. “You know Anakin’s trained me to fight specifically against you and your brothers – and you’ve seen in practice that it works” she said mildly. “Do you really think you could’ve held me there?”
Though said in a friendly tone, her words were like a knife of truth in Rex’s chest. “No” he said silently. “No, I could never be a match for you.”
“I’m glad” Ahsoka smiled. “I’d much rather have you as a friend.”
Rex froze for a second. Did she realise his double meaning? Had Jesse said something? Was she trying to let him down easy?
“Thanks, sir” he mumbled, desperately trying to rein in his thoughts. You have no chance with her. You never had. Keep it together.
And then Ahsoka leaned sideways, laying her head on his shoulder. “You have no idea how much I missed you” she sighed.
“I think I do” Rex said very quietly, his heart rate running rampant.
“Take off your armour” Ahsoka told him, and Rex almost swore out loud. Kriff, what was she doing to him?
“W-why?” he managed to choke out.
“You’re so hard” she remarked gently, and Rex could almost hear Fives and Jesse laughing. “And shielded” she added, in a tone that for a second made him wonder if she was seeing right through him.
“Yes, sir” he said, trying to use his professionalism as a mask for what he was really feeling inside as he carefully took off each individual armour piece. It had never really occurred to him how intricate his armour was until he now felt Ahsoka’s eyes following every part of it, and he had to fight himself not to just rip them all off.
“That’s better” she said contentedly once he had placed the pieces in a neat pile in the corner. She leant her head back on his shoulder. “I don’t often see you without armour, or a disguise at least.”
“I don’t often see you in your underwear” Rex reacted unthinkingly. Kriff, why the hell did you say that?!?
Ahsoka merely snickered. “Touché.”
They fell silent again, Rex involuntarily imagining Jesse’s smirk if he would see them sitting like this.
“You’re very tense” Ahsoka observed.
Fuck.
“Am I?” he mumbled vaguely. “Wonder why.”
“We’ll catch Maul” Ahsoka said reassuringly. “Master Kenobi beat him before, and he had no one to back him up.We do.”
“I know, I know” Rex sighed. It wasn’t what he was tense about, but he was grateful for her to have drawn this conclusion.
“Let me help you relax” she offered.
Rex raised an eyebrow at her. “Are you gonna make me meditate?”
That made Ahsoka chuckle. “No, I’m not sure it’s your thing” she said. “Besides… I’ve been having a bit of trouble with it myself, lately.”
“Oh” he mumbled, realising that of course she’d have difficulty holding on to a Jedi practice now. “Then what do you wanna do?”
Ahsoka rolled her eyes. “This” she said, putting her hand on the Republic logo on his chest, and pushing him down.
Every muscle in Rex’s body became pretty much solid in response. “Ahsoka, wh-what are you doing?” he stammered, staring at her with his heart hammering in his chest, so shocked at the possible implications of her action that he completely forgot his resolve to keep his professional attitude around her.
“If you could just lie down for a second” Ahsoka grumbled. “Feel the gravity pulling on your limbs. No need to keep your composure, just let loose.”
It was exactly that that he couldn’t do, not with her. But nevertheless, he did try the physical side of it, and to his surprise it worked, gravity’s pull helping him unclench somewhat.
“See?” Ahsoka said triumphantly. “In my experience, that works wonders for relaxing and grounding yourself after an intense battle.”
“Y-yeah, thanks” Rex reacted, his relaxation somewhat halted by the fact that he was lying down on Ahsoka’s cot,in his underwear, with her looking down at him in even less clothing. This was what the men in 79’s always talked about. Keep your head straight. You can’t.
Ahsoka lay down as well. The cot was designed for just one human or humanoid, and there was no other place for her to rest her head than on his chest.
“What are you doing?!?” Rex repeated himself, his voice cracking slightly on the ‘do’. WHAT THE KRIFF IS GOING ON?!?
“Making sure you don’t immediately get up again” Ahsoka said simply. “Don’t think I didn’t notice the shadows under your eyes, back on the ship. I know you were never great at resting when there are battles to be fought.”
“Ehm…” Rex mumbled. His ability to keep going for a long time without pause – or, alternately, his inability to rest before the job was done – was a trait he and General Skywalker shared. It wasn’t unknown to him that he had a tendency to push himself in that regard, but with a General who stayed by his side and made it worth their exhaustion, he had never really considered it a problem.
“Lie down for a bit” Ahsoka muttered, her voice getting softer and less pronounced as he could feel her relax on top of him. “Rest.”
He did, her soft presence on top of him simultaneously torturing and calming him.
It didn’t take long before her breathing had gotten slow and even.
“Commander?” Rex whispered.
Ahsoka didn’t respond, evidently asleep. No surprises there; him and General Skywalker hadn’t been the only ones in the 501st that struggled with taking rest. Undoubtedly getting back with the Grand Army of the Republic and hunting Maul was getting to her as well.
There was no way he could sneak away from right under her unnoticed, and if he was being honest, Rex found that he didn’t want to leave. She’d told him to lie down, right? Good soldiers follow orders.
Her skin was burning against his, and Rex found his arms moving of their own accord, locking her against him as for once he allowed his mind to slip into imagination.
***
He woke up to a soft whispering. The cot was warm and comfortable, and he desperately clung to sleep, not wanting to really wake up yet.
One voice was much closer to him than the other, and in his hazy state he recognised it as Ahsoka’s.
“… so deeply asleep, I didn’t have it in my heart to wake him” she was saying.
Slowly Rex woke up enough to realise the source of his comfort: a warm body held securely in his arms.
Ahsoka’s body.
The person she was talking to was too far away for him to understand their whispered reply, but he wouldn’t have listened even if they would have been screaming in his ear. He was lying in bed with Ahsoka Tano. She had spent the night in his arms.
His heart beat faster than his DCs could shoot on the battlefield.
“You know as well as I do that he barely takes time to sleep these days” she whispered. She was leaning up a bit, her front lekku brushing his chest. “He’ll wake up when he’s ready.”
She had woken up before him. She could have gone back to the men, back to the battle. But she’d stayed.
“It’s okay, Bo-Katan” Ahsoka said, in reaction to some more indistinct whispering. “You and Jesse can handle things for now. We’ll come join you later.”
The familiar whoosh of the door closing again sounded, and to Rex’s joy Ahsoka not only remained lying on the cot with him, but laid her head back on his chest, her montral curving along his chin. Not wanting to let her know he was awake yet, not wanting to have her leave, Rex stayed still, struggling to focus on gravity’s pull so as not to have her feel him tense up.
He had spent the night with her. In a way, he had slept with her. It was all he had never dared to dream of, and so much more, just to have her here, in his arms, against his chest.
He had never hated his bodysuit this much. If only he could take it off, feel her skin directly against his own in more places than his chin and hands…
And then reality caught up with. She was his Commander. A Jedi, in acts if not in official title.
With an ache in his chest different from any battle wound, he pretended to finally wake up.
When he opened his eyes after stirring for a bit, Ahsoka had turned her head so she was looking at him. “Good morning, sleep well?”
“Sorry, sir” Rex said, and he meant it – though not enough to let go of her. “I didn’t mean to disrespect –”
Ahsoka rolled her eyes at him. “If I recall correctly, I was the one who decided to cuddle up against you” she said, grinning. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”
He wasn’t sure how to respond to that. It was true that it had been her initiative, but a good Captain would have stayed professional. Would have left the situation, instead of giving in to his own desires.
She had ordered him to lie down with her, though. It was a very convenient order, but still. Good soldiers follow orders.
“I haven’t seen you sleep that deeply in quite some time” Ahsoka remarked, breaking his inner argument up as he immediately wondered when she last saw him sleep – had she looked him up at night as well? “So I guess it was worth it.”
“Commander, I –” he started.
“How many times do I need to tell you,” Ahsoka cut through him, chuckling, “it’s Ahsoka.”
“Ahsoka…” Rex sighed, biting back the three words he so desperately yearned to tell her. “Thanks. For everything.”
She looked surprised at that, her cheeks turning vaguely darker. “You too.”
They lay in silence for a while, just looking at each other, Rex’s heartbeat running rampant once more.
“Should we…” he started eventually.
“I guess” Ahsoka mumbled in response, once again understanding him before he said it, and together they got up, to get dressed and head to the Mandalorians.
Perhaps it was Rex’s imagination going into overdrive, but she seemed almost reluctant to leave his arms, lingering just a little longer than strictly necessary.
It means nothing. She was out on her own for a long time, maybe she just misses some friendly physical contact.
But no matter how hard he tried to rationalise it, he couldn’t stop his heart from fluttering.