Archive of Our Own ^beta

According to the NHS, it takes one to two weeks before the effects of antidepressants start to show.

However, according to Reo, that’s bullshit. He’s been consistent with medication and therapy for four weeks in a row and absolutely nothing has changed. In fact, things have been getting worse.

Major depressive disorder, that was his diagnosis. Simple but heavy.

He ticked most of the boxes in the diagnostic criteria while his parents forcibly ticked the rest. It was specifically his father that interrupted Reo’s answers and spoke for him throughout the entire session.

“You lied about doing well in school and having a social life!” You’re lazy and unsociable.

“I’m doing my best, and I do have some friends!” I really am, and I don’t need friends to get by.

“People your age are already setting up businesses and preparing for marriage. They make these connections for a reason, son. What makes you so different?” You’re undesirable, so undesirable.

“What do grades have to do with fucking marriage?” Fuck you. Fuck you for comparing me to everyone all the time.

“Language… and that’s enough. Your grades might have been bad, but your behavior lately has been unacceptable,” his father yells and his mother purses her lips. She stood next to him, arms crossed and disappointment written all over her face.

Not you, too.

“What are you gonna do– ground me? I barely even leave the house to begin with,” Reo stammered with rage, veins in his neck standing out in livid ridges.

“What am I going to do? Listen here,” he unlocks his phone and opens his calendar app, moving it towards his son. “You see this schedule? Every Saturday, you’re going to attend therapy. You heard what they said, medication won’t be enough.”

“No. I don’t fucking need–”

“I don’t want to hear the word ‘fuck’ leave your mouth ever again, you hear me? You’re not arguing about this with me either,” he said sternly, a thread of warning in his voice. He locked his phone and slid it in his side pocket. “I don’t agree with psychological help, but you’ve proven to need help… I thought I’d raised you better.”

“I never asked for this!”

“I never asked to have a disappointment for a son, but here we are,” the father snarled, dripping in spite. “From now on, you take your medication, you attend therapy, and you fix yourself. Until then, I will not be speaking to you.”

Ah, the silent treatment. Reo’s ten years old, again.

He sulks in the empty room that’s supposed to be his birthday party venue.

It was never really empty; random children filled the room. Random people always filled empty spaces in his life. Yet, he felt alone. He was always so alone.

The room next door is filled with drunk adults. They hired babysitters to check on their children and took pictures when food was served. His father said hello to everyone, except him. Everyone wished him a happy birthday, except his father.

Reo cried himself to sleep for the second time in his life that day.

Saturday, April 2nd. The fifth session.

The moon app, something Reo had downloaded to observe moon phases, showed today’s moon, a waxing gibbous. Reo is surrounded by four white walls; fake plants filling the shelves all around, while unscented candles were lit over some.

A lavender scented candle is lit on the table in between the purple-haired and his assigned therapist. He knew it was meant to give off a calming aura and exude softness to get him talking, but Reo was over it. He’s been over it since day one.

“I’m gonna be honest, I’m really starting to think this is a scam,” Reo confessed after locking his phone, his shoulders rising until they were just under his ears. “I’ve been taking my meds, I’ve been attending these stupid sessions, and I’m still not getting any better.”

“I’ve said this before, but recovery isn’t linear,” his assigned therapist, Dr. Teieri states. “C’mon, you’re smart enough to know that the graph of recovery is constantly spiking and has no distinct pattern.”

“Okay, that’s true, but I did my research. It takes a week or two for medication to show effect. Y’know what they also said? ‘Contact a doctor if no results show after four weeks’– it’s been five!”

“Who’s they?”

“WebMD, mostly, but other journal articles agree, and their research is a more trustworthy source.”

“Okay… while that’s true, medication works differently for everyone. Your experience doesn’t have to match everyone else’s.”

“Yeah, but things usually work just fine for me…”

“Mr. Mikage,” she clears her throat. “Therapy and medication are things you simply cannot rush. Imagine you have a cold, and your medication doesn’t help you for more than its set limit. Are you just going to stop your treatment?”

“Yes, I’ll just die instead. Maybe I’ll sue the FDA for shits and giggles beforehand.”

“Mr. Mikage…” she shook her head, “you need to start taking therapy more seriously. Maybe the reason you haven’t gotten better is because you never really tried to. You need to be present for this to work.”

“I am present, though.”

“Are you, really? We’ve only been going in circles the past few sessions. You left early last week. It doesn’t seem like you’re putting your all into this.”

He shook his head defensively, then sighed. “Okay, fine. I’m not. What now?”

That’s more like it. She bit into her bottom lip, trying to contain a grin. “Tell me something I don’t know. Something that you wouldn’t tell anyone.”

Reo pauses, staring into a distance in thought. “Ah,” he looked down. “I feel kinda lonely? Not all the time, I can manage, but… it’s a frequent denominator in my life.”

“Frequent, you say. Would you consider it the root of a lot of your problems?”

“With my father, yeah. I sound like a pussy with daddy issues, but yeah.”

“Let’s try not to push ourselves down. Remember, this is a safe space. I want you to feel comfortable here.”

“I am comfortable.”

Defensive, guard still up. “Okay, that’s good. We always talk about how important having a safe space is, but it’s equally as important to try to include people in it.”

“Is it really, though?”

“Mr. Mikage, we are sociable as human beings. You might not understand this now, but the reason you work hard in school is because there are others around you to compare yourself to. Even if you dislike someone, they’re always a good motivator to do better.”

“Huh,” his eyes narrowed, studying her with a critical squint. “That makes sense, actually.”

“Which is why you can always use your… passion towards your father to do better.”

“Passion?

“Hatred is a strong word.”

He grinned, covered his mouth then shook his pointed index finger at her. “Now that… I can get behind that.”

His guard is wearing off. She nods with an eager smile. “Good, we’re getting somewhere! Now, who would you consider someone in your safe space?”

“My cat, Yami. I got her on my tenth birthday.”

“Oh, you have a cat? That’s wonderful!”

“Yeah, yeah… She used to always cuddle up to me when I was studying. I’d be constantly grounded and she’d still keep me company.”

“You’re using past tense…”

“Oh, yeah. She’s dead.”

“Mr. Mikage…”

“She died on my twelfth birthday, funny enough. It feels like I never get to have a normal, happy birthday!”

Oh, his guard has really worn off. “Ah… what about peo–”

“The first thing my dad said to me after my tenth birthday was “what are you naming it? ” and I was beaming. He talked to me! I said ‘Hina,’ and for context, Yami is a black cat. I wanted to name her something that meant bright, like the sun, as a metaphor.”

“I’m guessing he didn’t allow that.”

“Yee-up,” he nods. “So she was named Yami, the dark.”

“Well, at least it’s fitting.”

“To be fair, it was a surprise he even allowed me to own a cat. He hates animals. He banned animals completely after Yami, which is yet another reason I’m lonely. He’s the root of all my problems!”

Dr. Teieri intertwined her fingers and stayed quiet, a small smile tugging on her lips. Reo was finally talking, finally saying more than two sentences. This was major progress.

Reo bites the insides of his bottom lip, sliding his back down the chair he’s sitting on. He sighs before looking back at his therapist. “There’s also this guy I befriended a while ago, Nagi. He’s the closest thing to a friend I have and– honestly, I don’t even know what we are anymore.”

She checked her watch, clicked her pen open and noted things down. Peaking at the very end of a session, her biggest pet peeve. “Unfortunately, your time for this session is up, Mr. Mikage. I hope you return home feeling accomplished, you’ve made good progress today!”

Saturday, April 9th. The sixth session.

It was an overcast day; the sky filled with grey clouds, and the city held a cold atmosphere. Today’s moon was at a waning gibbous, which symbolizes the growth potential. Coincidentally, for the first time, Reo was late.

He still made it to his appointment, but Dr. Teieri remained concerned. “I’m glad you showed up! I was about to give your father a call.”

“Thank God, you didn’t. Don’t ever contact him if it’s about me.”

“How should I contact you, then?”

He remembered his email address and pressed his lips together, spasms of irritation crossing his face. Ugh. He took out his wallet and pulled out a card, “I’ll give you my email address, I check my emails all the time.”

She raises her brows at the passive aggression, but hums nonetheless as he takes a pen from the table and writes on the card.

“Here,” he handed her the card. “It’s Mikage Reo instead of my father’s name.”

Ah, her brows slowly fall back in place as she takes the business card. The father.

‘[email protected]’. The name under is scribbled on so much that his father’s name is no longer readable.

Dr. Teieri clasped the card to Reo’s file on her lap. “I’ll keep that in mind. Now, why were you late?”

“Uh… I kinda slept in? I always have my alarms on, so it’s not like I forgot or anything. I just… Couldn’t get out of bed for a while.”

“I see.”

“You know,” he crossed his arms. “It’s a Saturday! People sleep in, hang out with friends, go to parties, and I’m just… stuck here. I have to spend my morning doing something I’m forced to do, even on the weekend. ”

“What’s your end goal here if you keep comparing yourself to others? There are always going to be people that look up to you and people that look down on you. At the end of the day, we only return home to ourselves.”

Reo stayed quiet. He doesn’t hold back his tongue, but he clears his throat. “I’ve been on my own all my life though.”

The more Reo talked, the more he had the chance to better himself. To him, this is failing. To his therapist, this is progress.

She looked through her notes and underlined a word before looking back at Reo. “In the last session, you mentioned having this friend, Nagi?”

He stiffened at the mention. “He’s not my friend.”

Something must have happened. “Why do you say that?”

“Well, it’s not like we were actual friends in the first place, but… I guess I wasn’t a priority to him.”

She tilted her head to the side. “How come?”

“Well,” he takes a deep breath. “We share a few classes and somehow, in all of these classes he’s chosen someone else over me? For fuck’s sake, we sit next to each other in biology and he still chose Isagi over me. I was right there– and it’s not like Isagi’s grades are better than mine.”

Inferiority complex, constant second choice, she noted down.

He sighs. “I mean, I’m up to–” Fuck. “…I was up to being valedictorian. Yet, he still chose someone else over me.”

“What happened to being valedictorian?” She questioned, genuine curiosity in her tone.

He takes a moment to think to himself, flashbacks from his past playing in his mind. “Things used to be easy. Making friends– fake friends, school… bullshit marks, but it feels like lately it’s not as easy.”

“Do you recall when that change occurred?”

“Mm… Around ninth grade.”

She notes it down. “Anything notable happened that year?”

“Well, it was the year Nagi was transferred to the academy… He’s what our professors valued as a prodigy. We shared that title and were put in advanced classes together.”

She writes on her notepad immediately. Finally, we’re getting somewhere.

“Despite being strangers, we always ended up being together somehow…” He shrugs, looking down as he fidgets with his shoes. “He’s just like me, which was refreshing to see, but… he’s always proven to be better.”

Inferiority complex is now underlined.

“And what makes him different from anyone else in your social circle?” She questioned as she checked her watch. 10:48 a.m. She internally sighs, Reo proving to trigger her pet peeve yet again.

“I see him as– he’s like…” She’s really going to make him say it, huh? “He’s my treasure.”

It’s quiet in the office, and Reo could swear his ears are burning. He wasn’t one to blush or get embarrassed easily, but his ears always betrayed him.

They sit in silence after his answer, the therapist noting important information from their session. She circled ‘treasure’ and announced the end of their session.

“Wha– I just got here.”

“Thirty minutes late, Mr. Mikage.”

Saturday, April 16th. The seventh session.

The moon widget on Reo’s phone showed a waning crescent. His therapist got used to his phone usage in sessions, as it would at least get him talking.

He would play random arcade games and talk about his week without raising his head to meet his therapist’s eyes. Reo knew maintaining eye contact for a long period of time is known to induce feelings of anxiety and uneasiness, so he made sure to avoid that.

It also made sense not to play games the entire time, Crossy Road was really getting on his nerves. He was amidst answering weekly questions while simultaneously failing to beat his high score, so he quit and locked his phone.

It might have taken half an hour, but at least he was finally getting comfortable talking about his childhood and familial conflicts. “I spent my entire life trying to get better. I mean– I’ve made many attempts to please my father… Academically and socially. I always tried to be the perfect son and that was never enough.”

“I’m sensing a pattern here. In every issue regarding your family, you only mention your father. It seems a lot of problems stem from your father and his high expectations for you.”

“No fucking shit,” he scoffed loudly, his voice hardening ruthlessly. “If it took you this long to figure this out, no wonder this shit is not working.”

“Mr. Mikage–”

“Reo, it’s Reo.”

“Reo, does the public know of the nature of your relationship with your father?”

“Obviously not?” his voice rose, an edge of impatience creeping into his tone. “My father’s image matters to him more than anything in the world.”

“Exactly. You’re opening up, this is progress. The past sessions haven’t gone to waste, and we’re finally getting somewhere.”

“You want me to talk about my father– is that progress to you? Why does my whole life have to revolve around him?”

She sighed. “Okay, we can change the subject,” her eyes wander through her notes until they latch onto a circled word. “You referred to Nagi as your treasure last session. What do you mean by that?”

Reo settled into his seat for the first time this session. He straightened his back while taking a deep breath. “He’s someone I could consider a friend despite our differences and that’s rare for me. He gets me.”

“Differences?”

“It’s like,” he paused. “Think of the sun and the moon. The moon represents calm, a gentle light that helps us see in the dark. Meanwhile, the sun is deemed harsh and bright. Too bright, people tend to take cover from its overwhelming heat.”

“I’m assuming Nagi’s the moon.”

“Precisely,” he snapped his fingers. “He does everything… beautifully, it’s unfair.”

She was already taking notes, but this time lasted longer. Reo knew notes were important for progression, but they were still nerve wracking to him. It always reminded him of failing and being punished in return with disapproving silence.

He’s done his fair share of research on trauma, and this could be his inner child’s way of thinking, whatever having an inner child feels like. Then again, research on its own was not sufficient without experience.

Maybe this was his experience. Reo’s thoughts were interrupted, finally snapping him back into reality. “Has he been treating you differently recently, is that why you say it’s unfair?”

“Not really? But I just don’t understand why he couldn’t pick me when we worked the best together. There’s no logical explanation for Nagi picking anybody but me. I mean–” he paused, mouth dry from ranting. “Who else would get him more than I do? I guess that’s why it’s unfair. Isagi and Bachira are not better than me. Then there’s Chigiri; he already has someone, plus parents that accept and love him, which is just greedy.”

“Isagi, Bachira, and Chigiri,” she underlined their names on her notepad. “Are you comfortable talking about them next session, Mr.– Reo?”

He eyes the clock, checking the long hand and sighs before nodding understandably. “Yeah, I guess.”

They wrapped up the session with Dr. Teieri going over their session and her usual reminders to take his medication and better care of himself.

As Reo makes his way to the door, her voice stops him in his tracks. “Oh, and by the way,” Reo looks back. “We’d never be able to appreciate the moonlight if it weren’t for the sun.”

Saturday, April 23rd. The eight session.

Reo reached the point where he’d only check the moon app every few days, already aware of its phase beforehand. The new moon had recently shifted into a waxing crescent, presenting new beginnings and self-improvements.

On his track record, Reo’s attendance and punctuality has been inconsistent, so showing up is progress. Even though he wasn’t as consistent with medication, you could still tell that he’s trying.

It’s argued that it takes at least a month to form a habit, which has now become very evident to Reo as this has become his weekly routine.

He’s on time this week. He entered the office room and was greeted with a warm smile. “Well, if it isn’t the sun!”

“Not funny,” he says dryly, a sheepish smile tugging on his lips.

The routine followed; questions about his diet, sleep, and medication asked. He admits that he hasn’t been consistent with the treatment prescribed, as his mind has been occupied with other things lately.

Reo settled comfortably into the couch, beaming with determination. He spent two months stalling, but the past few weeks changed his views on therapy. His life is no longer going downhill; his progress may be plateauing, but he’s ready to see change.

So, compared to half an hour to get comfortable, this was major progress.

“So, Reo, is there anything you’d like to discuss first today? Anything new?”

He smiled at a thought crossing his mind and unlocked his phone, showing her a folder of moon photos. “I’ve been taking photos of the moon everyday for a month. I missed two days, but I have all the moon phases now. Feels like an accomplishment.”

She was filled with quiet contentment as she leaned forward, scanning the pictures. “Oh, these are such lovely photos! You must really love the moon, huh?”

“Honestly, who wouldn't? The moon’s a loyal companion. It’s always there; seeing us in our best and worst times, and still following us with its light.”

“Ah…is”–she focuses on the title of the folder–“Seishirou loyal?”

Shit. He immediately pulled his phone back and cleared his throat. “Oh, I forgot I named it that.”

“That’s a new one. Who’s Seishirou?”

Fuck. His chin dipped down, hiding the flush creeping across his cheeks and he locked his phone. “Nagi, his first name.”

“Oh, that’s really sweet. Do you usually call each other by your first names?”

“Everyone calls me by my first name, but everyone calls him by his last name. He doesn’t mind it, though. I just feel… unworthy of saying it out loud, especially since he hasn’t given me the green light to do so.”

“Forgive me if I’m overstepping a boundary, but…” she leans forward, intertwining her fingers. “Do you perhaps see Nagi Seishirou as more than a friend?”

“He can’t be a best friend, but he’s the only friend I’ve got if that’s what you’re referring to,” he said, tone monotone and reeking of obliviousness.

“Judging by the way you’ve been speaking about him the past few sessions, the analogies you use to describe him, they all sound… incredibly romantic.”

She’s met with a blank stare and furrowed brows. “What?” Reo doesn’t break eye contact, voice devoid of any emotion.

Oh. Shit. “Oh God, I’m sorry. I must’ve gotten the wrong idea–”

“No, no. What do you mean by that…?”

She pauses before she lifts up her sleeve, a crescent moon tattoo imprinted on her forearm. “I got it when I was about your age. It was when I met the love of my life, who has the sun tattoo… The way you describe Nagi is how my partner would describe me.”

He blinked slowly, still staring as if awaiting further explanation.

“To us, the sun and the moon always symbolized lovers that completed each other,” she continued, her shoulders slightly rising, “but I may be projecting my own beliefs onto you. I apologize if so!”

Adrenaline bursts through his veins, disorienting him and his thoughts. He sank into his seat, staring at the ceiling as the dots connected in his mind. “I think– no, I do like Nagi… Holy shit, I like him. I like Nagi fucking Seishirou. ” 

Dr. Teieri nods respectfully, giving him time and space to assess the realization he’s come to.

“Fuck! I’ve never felt like this before,” his chest grew so tight, it became hard to breathe. “What should I do?”

“You could keep your feelings to yourself, which can sometimes backfire, or you could express those feelings… which can also backfire.”

“Oh God, it took me eight fucking sessions of therapy to realize. I need time to prepare–”

“Hey, hey. Reo, take your time, there’s no rush.”

“What if it ruins our friendship? What if he hates me? Oh no,” he whisper-yelled, panic so evident in his voice.

“Reo, you’re spiraling. You need time to process these feelings first before you consider doing anything about them.”

He laid down, a wave of overwhelming emotion sinking with him. His hands glide over his cheeks, heated skin warming him up. "I think… I think I want to tell him. If being a prodigy taught me anything,"–he turned to face her–"it's that high risks lead to high rewards."

She returns an approving nod, her face softening at the direction this session has taken. They sit in silence for a moment.

It’s quiet, but exceptionally pleasant. Reo folded his arms, his heartbeat slowly stabilizing against his forearms as his therapist took her time writing notes.

“Oh,” she said, clicking her pen on circled words. “About your other friends…“Isagi, Bachira and Chigiri, what would you like to discuss about them?”

“Absolutely nothing. They’re not my friends.”

She thickens the circles around their names. “Would you be more comfortable if we didn’t mention them again?”

“Yes, I’d like that.”

She jotted it down and closed her notepad. “Excellent progress, Reo. We’re ending on a really good note today. Remember, only do things when you’re ready! You need to take your time.”

Saturday, April 30th. The ninth session.

Dr. Teieri checks her watch after half an hour of waiting. She rings her receptionist to check on her usual Saturday 10 a.m. client, Mikage Reo. The receptionist informed her of no response.

Strange. She opened the Mail application on her laptop and composed a new email addressed to Reo.

Saturday, May 6th. The tenth session.

Dr. Teieri can’t say she’s surprised, but she was definitely hopeful. She checked her watch frequently for about fifteen minutes before she opened her laptop and composed a new email addressed to none other than Reo.

Saturday, May 13th. The eleventh session.

Reo took a massive blow after the waxing crescent, now missing sessions and medication altogether. So much for new beginnings and self-improvements.

He did show up this time, though.

As he checks the time on his phone, the moon on the screen appeared half-lit, the phase at its last quarter. 10:42 a.m.

Yes, he was late. But he showed up; he had to.

“You look terrible.”

Dr. Teieri wasn’t kidding; Reo had bags under blood-shot eyes, and his hair soaking wet despite him walking in with an umbrella.

“Nagi’s gone,” he ignored her rude greeting, tone desperate.

“Take a seat, Reo. What do you mean ‘gone’?”

He obliges, sitting down hurriedly and attempts to adjust his breathing. “I told him– I told him I needed to talk to him after school. He never showed up, and then… every time he saw me, it’s like he didn't wanna be around me.”

“When did this happen?”

“Right after our last session. I was ready to tell him”–he held his head in his hands–”and I messed everything up.”

She checked her watch and sighed. “Reo, I’m really sorry, but I’m sure we can discuss this next week. If you’d like, we can even book an earlier sess–”

“No!” he yelled and lifted his head up, cheeks stained with tears she didn’t know were there. Reo stood up, hand fumbling with his side pocket before pulling out his wallet and throwing almost the entirety of its contents on the table. “Please. Let me talk.”

“Reo…”

“I beg you. I can’t do this on my own.”

It took one look at Reo, sniffling with his heart spilled out on the table for her to let him stay. She moved to her office phone, rang the receptionist and returned with a small smile.

“We got the next client to postpone their session. I won’t take your money, but please… continue.”

He sits down, sighing in relief. At first, it was only his shoulders that fell, then he folded in on himself, wrapping his arms around his knees. “I ruined it. I ruined everything… All I seem to do is fail nowadays.”

“How so?”

“You know,” he clenched his jaw and pointed at her. “This is all your fault anyway. You convinced me that I had feelings for him. You convinced me to try to express my feelings. Now look at what you’ve done! I’ve lost the only person that ever mattered to me.”

“Reo,” she shook her head. “You didn’t even confess. He doesn’t know of your feelings. He can be going through his own problems for all you know, this isn’t the end of your relationship.”

“You don’t get it. He’s now the only one qualified for valedictorian, no one is even close to his level and he just… drops out? I know he’s avoiding me, but he’s taking it too far.”

“Why do you think he’s dropping out because of you?”

“Because… why else would he? Everyone loves him, everyone wants him. Even my dad wouldn’t stop bringing him up whenever school’s mentioned. He’s fucking beautiful; even Chigiri suggested he models. Fucking Chigiri, out of everyone! He’s practically perfect, and he was my friend– my treasure until I had to fuck it all up.”

He was sobbing at this point, voice cracking and gasping between words. Dr. Teieri moved the tissue box closer to him and he immediately took it to wipe away his liquified sorrows.

“Take your time.”

Minutes passed and Reo’s face sat hidden against his knees, still trying to stifle sobs. It always rained, but today it stormed. It wasn’t his fault he never learned how to calm down, not his fault it rained whenever he least needed it. 

“Hey,” she cleared her throat. “I know I’ve mentioned breathing exercises to calm down before, but have you really tried them?”

Reo finally looks up, scoffing with raised brows. “Really? Breathing exercises when I’m a mess?”

“Don’t knock it till you try it.”

He followed through some breathing exercises Dr. Teieri always sent to him, drank some water, and took a deep breath. “You know, maybe you’re right, for once.”

“I’d debate more than once, but I’ll let it slide,” she said with a smile and intertwined her fingers. “I know you’re sick of me suggesting ways to handle situations, but I need you to put yourself first.”

Reo rolled his eyes. He still believed the situation was too complicated to fix and his emotions too complicated to handle. He didn’t argue though, so there’s always improvement.

“Take it one day at a time. If you can find a way to contact Nagi to sort things out, go for it. If you can’t, it’s not the end of the world. And your dad, no matter how powerful he is, won’t have control over you forever. You’re your own person! You’re the sun, remember? The biggest star in the galaxy!”

Seconds that feel like minutes pass, and he wasn’t arguing, but he was sitting in silence for too long. She understood it to be comfortable silence, as Reo would nod to himself while gathering his thoughts.

He would confirm, his breathing stable and his heart warm.

Reo turned to his therapist with a grin forming on his face, as if he’s a child returning home to his mother on the first day of school. He doesn’t feel it, but tears slowly fill his eyes at the thought of Dr. Teieri being his parental figure. The only one.

“I’ll try to have my shit together next time we meet… Same time, next week?”

She smiled, her eyes alight with glee. “You’re always welcome in my office, Reo.”

Saturday, May 20th. The twelfth session.

The past few days have been rainy; it’s almost like the sky knew. Dark clouds covered the sun during the day and hid the moon during the night.

It’s Saturday night; Reo missed yet another session. Reo also missed another picture of the moon. It’s not like he was able to keep track the past few days. It seems the stars never aligned for him.

Everyone came, including people he’d never consider his friends. The sounds of raindrops hitting leaves and hard ground were muffled by the song ‘j’s lullaby’ blasting through his earphones.

Everyone cried, even the ones that didn’t know him, at least not the real him. Everyone said hello, too sad to say goodbye. The room was slowly being filled by a blend of familiar and unfamiliar faces, tears staining most.

The air was thick and the seat was uncomfortable. He had to re-position his rear end a few times before he could sit properly until he finally had the chance to talk to his friend.

He puts his earphones in his pocket and sucks in a sharp breath, his eyelids immensely heavy. “Hey, you…” he starts. “This is kinda funny when you think about it. The only chance I get to talk to you, and you’re…” he chokes on his tears.

“Sorry, Sei… I just can’t believe it. Why’d you have to leave me, again? You didn’t even give me a chance to tell you how much you meant to me,” he paused and closed his eyes, trying to drag emotion back under where he didn’t need to feel it. He really didn’t want Nagi seeing him at his weakest.

“I don’t even know how to say this… I couldn’t tell you I liked you all these years, but fuck, I think I love you,” Reo couldn’t even fight his tears anymore, silently sobbing. He reaches for Nagi’s hand and flinches at the cold touch, but embraces it nonetheless.

“I didn’t even show you my moon pictures. They were so pretty,” he looks up at the pale white-haired, eyes glistening with unshed tears, “you’re always so pretty. You would’ve loved them.”

Tears escape purple eyes, but he chuckles and rubs cold knuckles. “You know, before you, I didn’t even know the difference between astronomy and astrology. I know my zodiac sign because of you, dummy.”

His eyes stung red so he blinked several times, hoping to clear the redness before someone saw him.

“Hi, dear.”

Dear; unfamiliar. A word never uttered from a family member or anyone he cared about. Reo sniffled, slowly let go of Seishirou’s hands and turned back at the unfamiliar but warm voice. “Hello,” he said with a sad smile.

“I’m Seishirou’s mother.”

“Oh,” he stiffened at the mention of his name, “I’m terribly sorry for your loss.”

She slowly nodded. “I’m assuming you’re Reo, based on the description on this letter”–she pulls out an envelope from her purse–“he’s left behind.”

He was handed the letter and left alone for some privacy, relieved he didn’t fall apart in someone’s arms yet, especially his loved one’s mother.

Reo lowered his gaze, eyes immediately scanning the text and his heart sank as he recognized the handwriting. It really is written by him. He could imagine the way Seishirou would graciously glide his pen across the envelope and God, does it feel alive. Reo’s vision blurs as tears refill his eyes.

A teardrop escapes and lands on the envelope, making some ink bleed. It seemed he failed at everything lately, even crying, but he shook it off. Reo looks back at Nagi’s body and his throat is dry again. He couldn't shake off that he’d failed Nagi.

He reached for his hand, held it up to his lips and planted a quiet kiss. “You better rest easy, and you better know I’m sorry I was too late, Nagi,” he whispers, choking on his last words. "I hate you for leaving me– you were the only thing I was sure about in my life. And… it sucks, because I wouldn’t change a damn thing.”

Not one damn thing.

Not when he was the reason Reo looked forward to waking up, showing up to school and continuing living through his mundane routine. Not when he’s the reason he was finally working on bettering himself. Not when he looked out at the moon every night, thanking it for giving Earth the heaven it lacked. For giving him Nagi.

He swallowed the lump in his throat for the last time. “I’m afraid I’m keeping you too long, I’ll let you rest… Goodbye, Seishirou.”

He stood up, dusting himself off as he looked around the gloomy venue. It all felt depressing; he knew of this atmosphere all too well.

His twelfth birthday, his cat of two years dying that day. His family humored him and attended the ‘funeral’ he planned. At the time, Reo thought that would be the most pain he’d ever feel, but once again, Seishirou always managed to prove him wrong.

The moon was bright and strong, Yami was dark and weak. His cat meowed throughout the day, the moon shone throughout the night. You can capture the beauty of them both, all the time, but only in frames and screens, because Yami’s liver gave out and the moon is reborn tonight.

Yami’s liver gave out on Reo’s twelfth birthday, and Nagi’s body lay still on a new moon. Things couldn’t get any worse.

He made his way towards the exit with his head down, not having the heart to remain till the end of the ceremony. On his way, he overhears familiar voices and stops in his tracks to listen before approaching them.

“It’s devastating, he’s so young… and he was doing so well.”

“Yeah, he was even the top in P.E. Never broke a sweat.”

“It really is sad. Heart failure, at this age? I mean, I get it… he was kinda off the past few weeks, but–”

Reo walked towards the trio before cutting them off, spouting, “What did you just say?”

“Oh,” Chigiri started, his eyes widening. “Reo… I haven’t seen or heard from you in a while– I’m sorry about Nagi.”

“What did you just say?” he repeated, standing unblinking.

“Uh. Heart failure. Sad at this age…”

Heart failure? The words echoed in his head.

“Reo,” Isagi said, slowly crossing his arms and clearing his throat. “Please tell me you at least had an idea.”

“I couldn’t even believe he was gone,” the purple-haired shook his head in his loved one’s direction. “It feels like a sick joke. Sick, twisted joke.”

“I mean, jokes are supposed to be funny,” Bachira said, his shoulders and brows rising.

The rest of the trio glare at him. “Bachira,” they scowled.

“I didn’t say anything wrong!”

“We’re at a funeral–”

“No, it’s the calling hours–”

“Does it matter? Funeral visitation, viewing, whatever,” Reo muttered, already annoyed with the group. “I feel sick to my stomach.”

“Are you staying, Reo?” Chigiri asked with a half smile.

“No.”

He didn’t need more emotions dragged out of him. He didn’t want to stay in a place where the physical manifestation of Nagi Seishirou would cease to exist.

They didn’t pry. The trio exchanged see-you-laters, but Reo didn’t know if he would. All he knew was that he needed to read Nagi’s last words to him in solitude.

He managed to make it to his room, not sure if he’s stable enough to rip open the envelope and read its contents. Alas, he’s alone, and Nagi lives on through the handwritten letter in his hands.

Nagi wrote this for him; no one else, sealed for Reo’s eyes only.

He chewed on his bottom lip, ripping the envelope open and taking the note out. He spread open the folded paper and scanned Seishirou’s words impatiently, admiring each pen stroke before reading actual words.

Reo remembers the breathing exercises Dr. Teieri sent to him. He smiled at the thought of her, and decided to take in the deepest breath he’d ever taken before reading:

Some day in August.

The lights were dim in an uncomfortably white room. It smelled of a bitter antiseptic scent and was silent apart from a screen that kept beeping, indicating that he’s still alive.

Reo’s eyes finally fluttered open. He squints in an attempt to sharpen the blurred images before him, and an overwhelming sense of despair washed over his body. It hit him like a bang; he had failed, yet again.

He tries to sit up, but he ends up falling back, his weak body giving out. His eyes wander around the room; he’s alone.

The room remained dark, but the curtains were open to let in moonlight. It illuminated it at full capacity and just the right amount. If Reo had to guess, it would probably be a full moon.

How did I survive that? How am I here on my own? His eyes welled up with tears at the familiar feeling of being lonely. If God exists, why must he hate me?

His series of questions was interrupted by the sound of a door being unlocked. He turns his head towards the source, a familiar red gaze meeting his own as the door opened.

“Reo! You’re awake– I was so worried about you!”

His body moves before a reply can be uttered and Chigiri immediately hurries towards him to prevent him from doing so.

“Don’t do anything stupid, you’re still weak and hooked to an IV.”

Reo settled, the redhead’s hands still holding him down as he blinked away tears. “What are you doing here?” he managed to let out, voice hoarse.

“I’m the one who found you,” he said and let go of his hold, pulling a chair to sit next to Reo’s bed. “I had to call the police, I talked to the EMTs, I talked to almost this entire wing– I’m just… glad you’re alive.”

Reo simply stared at him, blinking slowly. “What about… my parents?”

Chigiri bit his tongue and visibly tensed. “Don’t worry about them. Their flight was delayed, they’ll be here as soon as they can.”

“You’re lying to me, aren’t you?”

“Reo,” he started, eyes sharpening. “Let me go get you a nurse. I was asked to alert them if you woke up.”

“Wait,” Reo reached for his wrist in an attempt to stop him from leaving. Although he was filled with despair, he was more so confused at the classmate’s presence. “Why are you still here?”

Chigiri winced, taken aback. “I care about you.”

“Bullshit–”

“I do,” he insisted, swiftly shifting Reo’s grip to hold his hand instead. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

Reo says nothing in return. They share a look and he notices sincerity in Chigiri’s eyes.

Chigiri’s hand was rugged, but warm. It fit the type of person he is. Reo squeezed his hand once before letting go, turning away from the boy next to him who got the hint.

The smile he didn’t know he had faded as he remembered the last hand he held.

Reo felt both alone and lonely as Chigiri left the room. He glanced around, taking in more of the empty white room before fixating on the window.

He can see the moon from here, and as he focused on the shape of it, he realized that he was right; it was a full moon.

Once again, he’s been proven wrong. He wasn’t alone. He’s never been alone.

And that bastard kept his promise.