Work Text:
Technoblade was scheduled to be executed at sundown.
The trial he'd been subjected to was - unsurprisingly to anybody in attendance - a farce. The king of this country had fancied himself both the jury and judge, and later today Techno would get to find out of he thought himself the executioner too. He seemed like enough of a coward to let somebody else wield the sword that would sever his head from his neck, though.
Given the circumstances, Techno felt contradictorily pretty calm.
He wasn't itching to die. So if he actually thought things would get that far, he'd probably be pretty worried. Yet he couldn't find it in himself to fret.
The door that led to the dungeon opened and two guards came through, dragging between them a third person. The cell next to Techno's was opened and the person was shoved inside, hitting the ground shoulder first and then not moving. His eyes were closed, but the barest flutter of pale lashes told Techno he wasn't dead. The guards didn't give him a second glance before walking away again.
Techno leaned back against the wall, fiddling with the iron cuffs around his wrists.
"Are they gone?" the man asked in a hushed tone. He hadn't opened his eyes or moved to stand up.
"Yup," Techno said.
"Oh good." As the man sat up, he stretched his arms above his shoulders. "I really didn't want to deal with their crap."
"You were pretending to be unconscious to avoid a conversation?" Techno couldn't judge. He'd used that trick a couple of times before.
But the man laughed. When he threw his head back, his blond hair fell into his eyes. "To avoid an interrogation. As soon as I figured out they didn't actually want honesty out of me, they only wanted me to say what they wanted to hear, I was done fucking talking to them for the day."
"Yeah, their torture techniques could use some work."
Whips and burning pokers weren't all they were hyped up to be, truly.
"I'm Philza Minecraft," the man said. "But most call me Phil." At Techno's perhaps slightly distrustful glance he added, "if we're going to be neighbors for a while we might as well get to know each other."
"Technoblade," he did say back then, deciding he might as well risk it. The chances of Phil being some type of plant to get information out of him were extremely slim. And it's not like he had anything valuable to share anyway. "Don't worry though, I'll be gone by nightfall."
The royal regiment was probably preparing the gallows as they spoke.
"Oof, sounds rough." The flat way with which Phil said that made Techno smile. "Death penalty?"
"With immediate execution. My trial was earlier today." When he rolled his shoulder back, the metal chains pulled on his wrists. "I don't think my lawyer will get here in time."
That earned him another chuckle out of Phil. "Are you always this chipper when you're about to get your head lopped off?"
"Nah, I'm just not planning to stick around that long. I have a couple of hours of thinkin' left." Techno didn't know how, but between this and him kneeling at that wooden block, he'd think of something. He was sure of it. "What are you in for?" he asked purely out of curiosity.
"Five counts of murder, identity theft, treason, and one pretty amusing property damage charge," Phil said.
"And are you guilty?" Not that it particularly mattered in this kangaroo court, but Techno had to wonder.
"Some of them," Phil muttered evasively. Techno raised an eyebrow at him. "Okay, most of it. But in my defense they had it coming."
Techno nodded, fitting the most serious expression he could onto his face. "Sure they did."
Phil's grin did not falter and Techno decided then and there that he liked this man.
From far away, there came the sound of rumbling. Techno tilted his chin up, but he was chained to the wall and couldn't get up, let alone check the small grate that served as the cell's only window. Phil could. He peered out, squinting his eyes to be able to see properly.
"Are we under siege?" he asked suddenly.
"Wouldn't surprise me," Techno said. "With how many people this government pissed off, it was only a matter of time before somebody decided to overthrow it."
"What?"
"You don't keep up with recent politics, do you?" Techno said in amusement.
"I'm not from around here," Phil said - and as he did the entire foundations of the castle seemed to shake.
"Neither am I." Dust fell from the ceiling as the upper floors creaked. Something very big was going on outside. "The local king is bad news, people don't like him."
"Yeah, enough for them to come with an army." Phil pushed back from the wall. "Do you think they'll let us go free once they're done?"
"Eh, fifty-fifty chance." Techno shrugged. "Depends on what flavor of tyrant the new royals are."
"You don't seem to like the ruling class-" Phil started, obviously as a joke. Whatever Techno might have answered was lost to the sound of stone crumbling as the first projectiles hit the outer wall. Not only was the castle under siege, somebody had brought a catapult or two.
"So, what do we do?" Phil asked.
Techno opened his mouth and closed it again. "Why do you think I have any idea what to do?" He raised his arms a little as if Phil could have missed the shackles.
"Just a hunch."
"Bruh…" Another tremor. A few bricks fell out of the wall. "We just need to wait."
"Because this is a supporting wall, right?" Phil walked over to the other end of his cell, indicating the pillars where the iron bars were. They carried a large amount of weight from the construction above. If that was under pressure, then-
As if the gods themselves had a feel for dramatic timing, another boulder smashed into the castle above them. The shockwave traveled through stone and the iron bars bent more in response until the hinges popped loose with a satisfying crack.
"That's easy," Phil said. With his foot, he pushed open the gate.
Techno's cell was open too, but he was a bit more indisposed. Since he was literally attached to the wall, he wasn't going anywhere. Phil ran out and disappeared around the corner and for the couple of minutes it took for him to return, Techno started to think the man had left. Really, would he even blame Phil if that was the case? They'd met ten minutes ago, they were hardly friends.
But then Phil returned with a chisel and hammer.
"Stick out your arms, mate?"
Techno didn't need to be told twice. He immediately started rubbing his wrist as the iron fell away, hissing a bit at the raw feeling of the skin beneath. He was glad to be free though. "Okay, what's next."
"From what little I could see, it will be crawling with soldiers up there. They're a bit preoccupied with the enemy army, but probably not enough for them to not kill us on sight." Phil led the way to the staircase. He had to raise his voice to be heard over the ever-increasing banging of more projectiles.
It seemed whoever was at the door, they were intent on simply pelting this castle with heavy fire until it was reduced to rubble, uncaring of if anybody was still left inside.
"So we make sure we don't get seen?" Techno wasn't the greatest at sneakiness.
"Or we make sure we don't get killed."
"I wish I had a sword," Techno lamented. Bare hands could work in a pinch, but it was so much messier.
"We can work on that." Phil inclined his head. "I know where the armory is, follow me."
Techno didn't know if trusting the random guy who had also been a convicted prisoner three minutes ago (and maybe still technically was depending on if somebody had managed to get rid of the current head of government already) was the best idea in the world. But he'd prefer to take his chances on Phil more than anything else.
He did come back for Techno rather than leave him to rot or be buried alive in the dungeon. So who was Techno to judge a murder charge or two, hadn't he also been in a silly, goofy mood and committed some manslaughter before?
"Halt!"
It seemed luck could only be in their favor for so long. Techno stopped, faced with two men in front of them, and already heard two more come up behind them. They were wearing full armor, and each had a sharpened netherite sword in their hand. They were both outmatched and outnumbered.
Phil elbowed him in the side playfully. "Looks like we won't even have to go all the way to the armory to get you that sword."
Techno sidestepped the first guard that charged at them and Phil stuck out his foot to make the poor guy trip, going down face first. Whoever trained these recruits needed to be put up for execution themself with how much they fumbled. Or maybe all the actually capable soldiers had been called upon to fight off the siege and what was left in the castle were simple recruits. Either way, it made Techno and Phil's life very easy.
Not even thirty seconds later they were running down a different hallway, each with a sword in hand. If they just kept heading straight and then around the corner, they'd make it out on the courtyard. That had to be their ticket out of here.
Suddenly, Techno felt Phil's fingers curl around his arm. He was pulled to the side, out of sight of the regiment that rounded said corner. Phil made them duck into a side room.
Probably a smart move. A 2v4 was something completely different than a 2v40.
"Oh wow," he heard Phil breathe out behind him. Techno turned around.
Somehow, they had ended up in the throne room. It was abandoned, the king must have hidden as soon as the war began. Many rulers were like that: full of boasts and big words as long as there had to be no actions to back them up. But when push came to shove they were often cowards.
Techno did not pity a leader that had no backbone and would not sacrifice himself for the same cause he expected his followers to throw their lives away for.
"You know, looking at this…" Phil had walked over to the throne, hand gliding easily over the embellished golden surface. "Monarchy seems like a pretty solid gig."
Techno exhaled a laugh. "You're thinkin' of trying it?"
"It might be one of the few things I haven't done yet," Phil answered cryptically. Techno did not ask.
"Good luck with that," he said instead. "There's another way out of the castle down here." He walked to the other side of the grand room.
Phil sat down on the throne, kicking out his legs and making himself comfortable. "Are you saying you're not even a little interested in trying it?"
"Trying what? Being king?" Techno asked distractedly.
"Ruling the world."
The suggestion was so preposterous he could only snort. It's not that Techno didn't think he could do it if he wanted to. Or that he wouldn't be good at it - certainly better than most of the people he had seen taking thrones and claiming land. But why would he?
Well, Phil brought it up.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because it'd be fun. Do you have anything better to do?" Phil asked.
The honesty caught Techno off guard. "Right now I do. We need to get out of here before we get caught in the crossfire." To accentuate his point, the castle groaned with another barrage upon its defenses. Whoever was trying to get inside, they had to be pretty darn close.
"Yeah, but we could do it after that!" Phil insisted. He hadn't stopped smiling.
"You're-" Techno shook his head, turning back to the door. "You're a strange man, Philza Minecraft."
"What can I say, I'm easily bored."
The way Phil said that implied he found it an entirely reasonable explanation for why he was suggesting they create an empire in their spare time. Heck, for all Techno knew it was.
"Do you want to know what I was in for?" Techno asked, opening the door. Phil got up to follow him.
"Sure."
"Theft," he said.
Phil's brow creased, smile falling for the first time as confusion crossed his face. "Doesn't seem like the punishment fits the crime on that one, mate."
"That's what I said! Not that the guards were willing to listen." Not that he'd expected them to listen to reason anyway. Working for royalty seemed to degrade a person's critical thinking skills. "But the guy I stole from turned out to be nobility, so they weren't exactly lenient. That's how it works with those things, absolute power corrupts absolutely."
Phil hummed. "I'm not denying that it can, but wouldn't that be the ultimate gotcha? To show them how it's done."
"If you can't beat them, join them?" Techno asked skeptically.
"If you can't beat them, become better at what they're doing than they are," Phil answered. "Shame them for their paltry efforts."
Techno couldn't deny it held some merit. Even if just for a change of pace.
He could always go back to the full-time anarchist thing once he was done playing emperor.
"If we make it out of this alive, I'll consider it."
"We shouldn't be satisfied ruling a country though," Phil said as they started to make their way up a staircase. Most of the ground exits were too closely guarded to be good escape routes. Maybe they needed to get higher?
Looking back over his shoulder, he smiled at the mischievous glint in Phil's blue eyes. "What do you propose, then?"
"Taking over the world, like I said."
"You're ambitious," Techno commented.
"Nah, mate. But why not go all the way with it, you know? For fun."
"For fun," he agreed.
He was starting to like Phil more and more.
They came out onto the parapets. Soldiers were running around beneath them like ants, the battlefield a mess of corpses and plumes of smoke. This might be one of the worst coordinated sieges Techno ever had to witness.
"Wow, these guys suck at this," he thought out loud.
"We could help them," Phil said. He pointed towards a series of barrels placed along the outer perimeter of the castle, inside the walls. They must contain some sort of explosives, dozens of them all neatly lined up.
"It would be really unfortunate if a stray fire arrow were to hit that," Techno pointed out. Phil's smirk grew even more.
"It really would." Phil took out the bow he had stolen from one of the guards earlier. As convenience would have it there were several fire baskets lined up against the parapet. It was as easy as Phil dipping the head of the arrow into the oil to coat it.
"Do you think you'll be able to hit that?" Techno asked. He was fairly confident in his own skills with a bow, but even he wasn't sure if he'd make that shot. And he knew next to nothing about Phil.
But Phil only drew back his arm to take aim. Two black wings unfurled behind him, appearing from thin air. Techno watched dumbly, surprised at this development.
"I know I can hit that," Phil said. "Make sure you're ready for a speedy exit after though."
"What do you-"
Phil let go of the string before Techno could finish his sentence. The arrow traveled upwards first, making an arch before being pulled down again by gravity. The flame flickered, catching on the shaft, and Techno feared that it would snuff out before it could find home in its target.
But then the iron tip dug into one of the barrels. They could hear the sound of whatever was inside heating up.
"Hold on tight," Phil said, bracing an arm around his back, right under his shoulder so he could have some leverage lifting him up from beneath his armpit.
Techno only had time to blink once before his feet left the ground.
It was a pretty startling thing for somebody who had been landbound so far and while he would deny it for decades afterward, he might have let out an undignified yelp, clutching to Phil's shirt desperately. The winged man merely laughed, but took mercy on him by making the flight last as little time as he could. Only enough to carry them over the castle wall and away from the battlefield, to land somewhere in the woods beyond.
Techno felt ready to lie down on the ground and kiss it.
He didn't, but he did press both his palms to the dirt. "W-What the heck! That was terrible!"
"You're a bit dramatic," Phil said simply. It didn't even sound like an insult.
How could somebody he'd known for less than a day already sound fond when talking to him?
"Maybe if I was the one doing the steering, I'd enjoy flying," Techno said. "Being lugged around is definitely not my style."
"Yeah, fair enough." Phil smartly decided this was not the hill he was going to die on. "So, where do we head from here?" He offered Techno his hand to help him up.
"Anywhere that's not towards those clowns suits me fine," he said, taking it.
Phil laughed. "I won't disagree but I meant like, where are we going to start our empire."
"Oh, right." Techno half expected the other man to admit he had been kidding about that whole thing. Clearly not. "Maybe we should head up north. I prefer cold climates and it's harder for enemy armies to take you under siege in the freezing weather. So we won't end up like them." He thrust a thumb over his shoulder. The castle was burning in the distance, visible as not much more than a brightness over the horizon with smoke and ash trailing upward.
"I can do north. We can probably get some horses along the way to make the journey easier."
"Right." Phil started walking and thus Techno followed him, falling in step beside him. Phil's wings were still out, black feathers being rustled by the breeze. "So are you going to explain the wings or nah?"
"It's a long story," Phil said.
"It's a long walk to Antarctica," Techno answered.
Phil chuckled. "You're not wrong about that. It happened a really long time ago…"
The air felt lighter, the sun seemed to shine that much brighter, whenever Phil gave him that hearty laugh. Techno thought he could definitely get used to that sound.