Work Text:
"You searched the Cavanaugh place without consent?" Cragen was floored.
Elliot and Olivia, on the other hand, were completely and utterly confused.
"What?"
"Barnett’s attorney is on the horn with every city official he can think of, screaming Fourth Amendment violation." The captain’s fists were firmly planted on top of his desk.
"We didn’t need consent," Olivia said softly, still confused as ever. "Cabot had a search warrant."
Unamused, Cragen shook his head. "Try again." As only silence filled the room and Elliot and Liv spared glances at each other, Cragen made his way around his desk and spoke, "Are you saying Cabot told you she had a warrant?"
As the light bulb went on in his mind, Elliot answered in the best way he knew how. "I don’t remember."
Unfortunately, his best was not enough. "Don’t give me that crap." Cragen waved his hand dismissively. "You better start saving your own jobs and stop covering for the ADA."
"She didn’t actually say she had a warrant," Olivia offered, and by all means, it was the truth.
Elliot began pacing the captain’s office as he spoke.
"But she specifically told you to meet her for a search, implying that she had one." He turned away from Liv and whispered under his breath, "She’s out of her mind."
"Captain," Elliot paused, "it was a good faith search, as far as we knew she had a warrant."
"Elliot, good faith doesn’t cover Cabot lying to you."
"She did that to protect us," Olivia reasoned. Internally, though, she was battling just that. Outside of work, she and Alex had formed somewhat of a friendship, and as a result, Olivia had begun to develop romantic feelings. She knew falling for a straight girl— little did she know —never ended well, but something about Alex drew her in. She wasn’t as simple, cold, and straightforward as the squad believed. She was complicated. While Liv logically knew Alex's reason for not telling her was to protect her, she couldn’t help but wonder if that meant she didn’t trust her.
"What are you now? Her lawyer?"
As Alex walked up to Olivia and Elliot straight out of Petrovsky’s courtroom, she said, "Tapes are in."
Liv nodded. A million thoughts were running through her mind, but as always, the victim’s ability to receive justice prevailed. "Good." She gave Alex a one-over, trying to read her body language before asking her next question. "And what about you?"
"Petrovsky acted like I killed her dog," Alex said. She couldn’t dare look Olivia in the eyes; maybe she didn’t know—or maybe she wasn’t ready to admit why—so instead, she spared Elliot a glance. "Just one more enemy to add to the list," she finished with a shrug and a forced, tight-lipped smile.
Elliot stepped forward, saying, "You took a big chance."
"You were never in jeopardy," Alex said with a sigh. "I made sure of that," she finally said to Olivia, adding, "it will all fall on me."
Alex couldn’t figure out why she felt so guilty under Olivia’s gaze. She had an overwhelming sense that the detective was mad at her, but not for the obvious reasons—something far deeper.
"You should’ve told us," Elliot said.
Alex looked at them both when she said, "I am sorry."
It didn’t take a detective to know she wasn’t. What it took was Olivia’s guts to say that. "No, you’re not." It wasn’t an attack, by any means; it was an observation that, for some reason, Olivia didn’t want to keep to herself.
Alex looked down momentarily, hiding from Olivia’s unnerving gaze. "I'm sorry you were ever in the middle of this," she spoke timidly as she looked up, "but, you’re right, I’m not sorry about the rest."
All Olivia did was nod. She knew Alex didn’t have the energy to debate right now, and if she was being honest, neither did she.
Alex offered a weak smile to them both before politely excusing herself. "I have to go. I have an arraignment."
It was in that moment, as Liv and Elliot watched Alex leave, that Olivia realized why she felt so betrayed by all of this. She gave Elliot a sidelong glance before jogging after Alex, saying her name until the attorney stopped.
"We need to talk."
Alex looked around the semi-crowded corridor of the courthouse. "Liv," Alex said slowly, letting her hand come up to her hair and anxiously pulling it back from her face. "I have an arraignment. Save your anger, would you?" It was meant to come out bitter, like she was ready to fight, but her words came out lifeless.
Olivia saw a dozen emotions flooding her cerulean blue eyes, and she unclenched her jaw. "Fine." She let the arms that were crossed around her chest come down. "Come to my apartment after... please?" She asked gently.
"Uh sure? Yeah… okay." Alex confirmed before turning on her heel and walking off to another courtroom with Judge Petrovsky ready to shoot daggers into her with her eyes. She was not looking forward to it.
When Alex had finally finished with the arrangement (and Liz’s lecture on her actions and the consequences that followed), she dragged herself to Olivia’s apartment, just like she had promised.
She knocked on the door with purpose. All the guilt weighing down on her was morphing into anger—at the world, at the criminal justice system; even though they managed to get justice for Sam, she was devastated knowing there were other "Sams" out there not receiving justice.
At least she had the reassurance that Oliva wanted to argue—or so she thought.
"You came," Olivia said when she opened the door.
"I’m wondering whether or not I’m going to regret this," Alex thought aloud.
Olivia laughed. "I don’t bite, Alex."
"Do you have any alcohol?" Alex asked as she walked across the threshold. Olivia scrunched her nose. "Are you sure?" She asked, noticing the slouch in Alex’s posture and the tear stains on her cheeks.
"You’re not my mother, detective ." Alex said this with an angry snarl. She shrugged her coat off and hung it on the silver hook by Olivia’s front door.
Olivia made her way into the kitchen. "Fine. Is red good?" Olivia rummaged through the cabinet, "or I have white, too," she opened the fridge door, "or a good ol’ beer?" Olivia asked gently.
Alex faltered. She didn’t expect Olivia’s kindness to be unwavering. She came here ready to fight. She wanted to fight. She wanted—no, she needed—the adrenaline rush she would get.
One thing Alex and Olivia excelled at was arguing. It never stung because they knew it only stemmed from their fierce desire for justice for the victims. It was never about hurting each other, and they both knew that. "Red is fine," she whispered.
Olivia poured Alex a glass and grabbed a beer for herself, then walked over to the couch where Alex had dropped herself. She was staring at the wall, thinking about Sam, the 30 day suspension without pay on her back, and the mistake she made. She didn’t regret it; she just wished she had never had to do it in the first place.
Once Olivia was sitting across from her in the love seat, Alex spoke up, "You wanted to talk." She took a long sip of her wine. "So talk."
Olivia studied Alex’s face. The fading redness in her eyes. The dried tear stains on her cheeks. The small bandage on her forehead. Her lips were uncharacteristically chapped, meaning she hadn’t done her makeup or applied chapstick in days. While looking at all these things Alex would probably call indiscretions or imperfections, all she saw was a beautiful woman. That’s when it completely clicked for her. She was in love with this beautiful woman.
"Do you trust me?" Olivia asked.
"What?" Alex said, rolling her eyes. Of course she trusted Olivia. If it weren’t for the anger, the guilt, the fear, and the thousand different emotions coursing through her veins, she probably would’ve had a better answer. She would’ve taken a reassuring stance.
Olivia’s voice stayed calm. "I know you heard me, Alex."
"I trust you."
"That’s all you’re giving me?"
"What more could you possibly want? Of course I trust you—I care about you, Liv. That’s why I didn’t tell you what I was doing. I didn’t want to put your job on the line. It was bad enough that I was risking my own. I could’ve been disbarred. I’m on leave without pay for 30 days now." Alex’s breathing was getting heavy, and her voice was only rising, losing its steadiness as it got louder. "Then I come here to argue, and you can’t even give me that?" She was exasperated. "Just yell at me; you know you want to... get it over with," Alex begged as a single tear streamed down her cheek, breaking Olivia's heart. " Please? "
The ache in Alex’s voice broke the dam between Olivia and self-control. She wasted no time rounding the couch and sitting behind Alex, wrapping her arms around the blonde, who broke down in sobs. "It’s okay; you’re okay," Olivia would occasionally whisper against Alex’s head.
"It’s not okay, Olivia." Alex hiccuped. "H-how is anything okay when people like Barnett exist?"
Olivia had learned her first year in SVU that understanding the perps was impossible. At first, it didn’t stop her from trying—bargaining with the truth written in case files, trying to figure out what makes people so cruel and violent. She burned herself out researching the cause, not for the sake of carrying the knowledge on the job but because she needed to know for herself. She needed proof that she wouldn’t succumb to the anger, violence, and cruelty of her sorry excuse of a father. She needed tangible evidence and spent nights awake, pouring over case files, psychiatry books, and everything she could get her hands on. She knew this guilt and this anger with the world all too well.
"It’s not okay right now, and that’s okay," Olivia started, some hesitancy in her voice because she didn’t want to say the wrong thing to Alex while she was so vulnerable. "People like Barnett are inexcusable, cruel, and terrifying, and I think being on the squad for a few years now has desensitized me slightly, but sometimes it hits—like right now—and you need to feel that anger. But Lex…" Olivia paused; she’d never referred to Alex by anything other than her first or last name or title. Alex didn’t say anything in protest; she just kept sitting in Olivia’s arms, feeling limp and lifeless.
Olivia cleared her throat. "What happened to Sam was not your fault. If anything, you got him justice, which is a win in our book. And yes, for every person we do put away, another is still roaming the streets. It's a difficult pill to swallow at times, and it can make the job feel... useless."
Alex cut her off with a bitter laugh.
Olivia sighed. " But what we do isn’t useless. It shouldn’t be needed, yes, but it is, and we do make a difference."
"Why are you being so nice to me?" Alex asked, looking up at Olivia.
"What?" Olivia questioned. She looked down at Alex, and beyond her understanding, she saw fear playing across Alex’s face.
Stealing Liv’s words from earlier, she said, "I know you heard me, Olivia."
"Right." Olivia shifted on the floor, leaning her back against the legs of the couch, which moved Alex between her legs, leaning against her front.
"So?" Alex asked, "Why are you being so nice to me? I don’t get it. You could’ve lost your job because of me, yet you’re sitting on the floor holding me?" Alex let out a long, angry breath, reminding Olivia of a frustrated toddler. "I don’t understand you."
"You deserve people being nice to you and taking care of you." Olivia said, simply. They were both too emotionally charged for her to explain that she was in love with the woman laying on her lap. It was all too much for 11 o’clock at night.
Alex spun around, so she was suddenly straddling Olivia's lap. The detective sucked in a breath at the new close proximity between her and Alex.
The attorney sat there, hovering over Olivia and studying her face. From the scrunch in her forehead to the emotions spilling out of her eyes, the slight frown on her lips, the rosy color in her olive cheeks, Alex brought her hands up to Olivia’s cheek and leaned forward, pressing their lips together.
Olivia kissed her back, slowly. It was sweet, full of feelings neither of them were able to express aloud in the moment. Tender, soft, perfect. Or it was perfect until Olivia pulled away, fear written all over her face.
"What?" Alex’s voice cracked. "I’m so sorry; I shouldn’t have done that."
Olivia shook her head, no. "No, it’s not... definitely not that."
"Then what is it?" Alex asked, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.
"I love you.”
"You love me?" Alex repeated slowly. "You love me, so you can’t kiss me?" Her nose scrunched up adorably as her confusion rose.
"I can’t kiss you when you’re like this because I love you. You’re not thinking clearly, Alex. You mean too much to me for me to take advantage of you. I won’t take advantage of you. Not that I would take advantage of anyone—I wouldn’t."
"Olivia..." Alex said, the hint of a laugh bubbling in her throat coming through in her voice.
"I don’t want you to think I would do that to anyone... You know I wouldn’t, right? I just mean right here, right now."
Alex moved forward and kissed the corner of Olivia’s mouth, then pulled back, successfully shutting her up.
"I love you, too. I’m sorry about all of this. I’m still going to love you in the morning, so, for crying out loud, please— " Alex pouted for good measure, "Kiss me."
Olivia studied Alex’s expression carefully. "Tomorrow then. If you really love me as much as you claim," Olivia playfully nudged Alex’s shoulders back, "you can wait."
Alex smiled for the first time since the Cavanaugh case was brought to her attention. "Fine, but can you... can you hold me again?" She asked tentatively.
"Deal." Olivia smiled.
END.