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You know you're different from most of the girls at your school. Your difference lies in the way you look. You're not as slim as them; you're overweight. It's as clear as day! Each part of your body is covered with excessive fat. You see it, everyday, whenever you look at yourself in the mirror or inadvertently catch a glimpse of your reflection on some surface. And yet, you're not fazed by it; you're sure that's what the others think when they see you acting like you're not 80 pounds heavier than them, at least. But why would you act differently? Why should you? Your weight doesn't prevent you from living your life as you should, as everybody else does. You've been called brave for that, you don't remember by who, you're not even sure they meant it as a compliment but, if respecting your body means being brave then you're the bravest person on the whole fucking Earth. Hell, you're even sure that it was your so-called 'bravery' that attracted Eddie to you. You've been together for almost a year now and he's been worshiping every inch of you for the whole time. His love does help you, you recognise it but you haven't really changed from the brave fat girl that caught his eye in the first place.
So it's true, you're not fazed by your weight, your size doesn't negatively affect your life... most of the time. Yes, because even brave people like you have their cowardly moments, sometimes. They're not as frequent but when they hit you, they hit you hard.
You woke up like any other day. You bravely got up, prepared yourself for school, wore one of your usual outfits that highlighted your curves and that your boyfriend loved so much. You bravely walked to school and across the halls with your head held high as you reached your classes. At the sound of the bell signaling lunchtime, you bravely entered the cafeteria and jogged towards Eddie, who was waiting for you by the Hellfire Club's table, with open arms ready to engulf you in a crushing hug. You bravely ate your food, no better yet, you savored it and enjoyed it because why shouldn't you? You were as hungry as everybody else.
Everything was going fine, by routine, you would say. You were happily having your meal and chatting with your friends, as usual. Eddie even had his hands on you, grabbing your tummy or playing with your jiggly forearms, like he's used to doing and you were used to it, too. You even liked it.
You weren't at all prepared for the huge bucket of coward-ice hitting you fair and square in the face. All it took was a disgusted look from one stranger walking by your table. Only one. You would have normally brushed it off with a mocking scoff or by simply ignoring it any other day but something at that moment prevented you from doing either of it.
It only took that one single look to tear off the blinders that you auto-imposed on yourself for protection and all of a sudden you could see clearly. The hard truth of it was terrifying. The way everyone was looking at you, even your own friends or the kids, the way their gazes would drop on where Eddie's hands were placed on your body and laugh or frown as he unconsciously kept touching you. It was overwhelming. Suddenly, you could feel the clothes clinging on every roll of your stomach, arms bulging out the stiff sleeves of your tee, thighs over-stretching the constricting fabric of your jeans. The repulsion your body instilled in others, you could feel it too, ten thousands stronger.
All it took for Eddie to notice something was off, on the other hand, was the way you scooted away from him, his hands clasping air all of a sudden. When he tried to pull you closer you swatted his hands away without even glancing at him. You could feel his confused stare on you and it made the gnawing feeling in your stomach even worse.
"Baby?"
He called you softly, leaning toward you, worry and hurt clearly marking his tone.
You couldn't answer even if you wanted to; your breathing was ragged, you were gasping for air. All you wanted to do was run away as far as possible but by rushing out of the cafeteria you would definitely make a scene and just the thought of drawing everyone's attention on you caused your stomach to drop.
You tried to keep your panicky feelings under control as best as you could, not wanting to draw any suspicion from your friends. Well, from anyone else; Eddie was the only one who had noticed your discomfort, by that point. He was still looking at you, his face growing graver by the second.
You could see his hands twitch in his lap, his leg shaking nervously. You knew him too well; he was worried about you and the fact that he had no idea of what had made you react like that all of a sudden, was gnawing at him.
You kept your eyes lowered to avoid meeting anyone's gazes as you scooted back closer to Eddie.
If running away was not an option, then you would need to, at least, cover yourself up to ease your panic while you waited for lunchtime to be over.
Eddie immediately leaned forward, hands moving toward you, by instinct, but the way you flinched made them instantly retract.
You took a long shaky breath, eyes shyly raising to meet his. You could clearly see on his face the thousands of questions that bothered his mind but he dared not to ask. His doe-eyes roamed frantically over your face as he waited for you to speak first.
"Can you give me your jacket?"
He only stalled for a moment as he registered your request. A second later he was holding the denim vest in one hand and the leather jacket in the other. He held out the latter to you, a frown making its way upon his face.
"Are you cold?" he tentatively asked before he leaned further toward you, his voice turning into a whisper, "...or is it that time of the month already?"
Oh Eddie, bless you - you said to yourself as a soft sigh escaped you. You remembered when, a few months back, your period had completely caught you unprepared, blood staining the back of your pants and Eddie had offered you his jacket for cover without any hesitation and made you wait in the bathroom as he had rushed to your female friends to ask for spare pads. That memory temporarily overshadowed your discomfort and a small smile made its way upon your lips.
"No Eddie, I just feel a little bit cold…", you whispered, one arm protectively encircling your side as you raised the other to take the jacket from him. "...and your rings made me shiver all over'', you added, hoping to make your lie more believable.
He visibly relaxed at your words, smiling apologetically at you but he still hesitated to go back to his usual goofy self. He didn't hesitate, however, to anticipate you by settling his jacket on your shoulders himself. He even bent forward to place a soft kiss on your head, palms squeezing gently your forearms.
You tensed a little in response to his touch, your eyes fluttering close.
"Uhm… Are you OK?"
Your odd display must have interrupted their passionate discussion on board games because the whole table had their eyes on you at that point.
The question had come from Dustin and you mustered a smile as you nodded. "Yeah, feeling a bit chilly, that's all."
"Chilly? I'm boiling over here!" Mike stated, tugging at the collar of his t-shirt to blow himself some air as most of the table nodded in agreement.
"You must have caught a cold!" Lucas piped in, a frown spreading on his face as he warily glanced your way. "I can't catch it too, I have a game in a week!"
You heard Eddie sigh deeply behind you and you looked up to see him brush his hand over his face. Your gazes met and he wryly rolled his eyes as he slid back onto his seat at the head of the table.
You couldn't suppress the knowing smile that spread over your lips.
"You need a larger jacket than that if you want to get warmer, though…"
Mike's voice drew everyone's attention once again, especially yours. Your smile faltered and your stomach dropped.
"That's way too small for you!", he added earnestly, unaware of how his words stung, "Big Frank, you should give her yours!"
The startled look that popped up on Frank's face as his eyes darted from the kid's face to yours; and the way he silently started peeling off one of his jacket sleeves as he blinked at you, made you feel bad for him, too.
You mustered a smile and lightly shook your head at him. He nodded at your mouthed "don't worry" and adjusted his jacket back.
You could feel tears starting to well in your eyes but you fought them back as best as you could. There was no way you'd burst out crying in front of your friends, especially not at Mike's words. You knew he didn't mean to hurt you, he was a cool kid after all, just like Dustin and Lucas were and they had never, never made fun of you. He had only stated a fact; Eddie's jacket was small for you. You knew it already so why was it affecting you so much?
You tried to make yourself as small as possible as you tugged at your boyfriend's jacket and adjusted it on you. You expected too much of it, being at least three sizes smaller than what you'd normally wear.
As much as you tried to disappear, you could feel the apprehensive looks your friends would give you and share between them. They were probably wondering why you weren't brushing off Mike's words with a joke or one of your sarcastic comebacks, as you would usually do. You were wondering about it yourself.
The atmosphere of the table had indeed drastically changed. Mike's serious expression had turned into a confused frown after one by one all the other boys had casted sideways glances his way.
"What is it? Why are y'all looking at me like that?"
Dustin hushed his friend with a not so subtle nudge of his elbow and forced a smile to his face as he addressed the whole table in an attempt to ease the tension.
"Sooo… movie night at my house tonight?" His eyes eagerly darted from one face to the other, lingering on yours for a longer moment before passing over to Eddie's.
Eddie had strangely kept silent the whole time, which was unusual for him, to say the least. When you tentatively looked his way, taking advantage of the late reaction Dustin's offer had stirred in the others, you instantly met his gaze.
Had he been staring at you the whole time? There was a deep frown on his face which immediately turned into a broken look as soon as he noticed your watery eyes.
His mouth opened to say something, what you don't know. The harsh sound of the bell brought a deafening chaos with it as all the students raised their voices to conclude their conversations or to express their reluctance to leave.
You did not stall. As soon as you heard the bell, you bolted out of your seat and sprinted toward the exit. In your rush, even over the loud chattering made by the other students, you carefully tried to avoid bumping into in your escape, you could clearly hear Eddie's booming voice as he hissed, "I'll murder you, Wheeler!" And the poor kid cried out, "What did I dooo???"
You didn't turn back. You made a beeline for the bathroom, planning to lock yourself in and wait until those stupid tears would leave you alone. You had made it to the end of the hall, hand reaching forward for the handle of the bathroom door when a strong arm enveloped your waist and pulled you back, spinning you around.
Your startled look met Eddie's serious face.
“You’re not going to shut me out”, he asserted in a stern but hushed tone, his hold tightening around your middle. His voice and demeanor, however, quickly turned softer as his hand raised to gently cup your cheek, a plea in his eyes, “please, don’t shut me out, baby.”
Despite your efforts, tears started rolling down your face way before you had reached the hall and you only then realized it as Eddie wiped both your cheeks with care.
The lump growing in your throat prevented you from uttering even a single word; you only nodded compliantly in response before you leaned forward and hid your face in his chest. His arms instinctively wrapped around you, pulling your body flush against his.
“It’s ok, sweetheart. You’re gonna be ok.”
He whispered those words soothingly in your ear and then pressed a soft kiss on your temple.
“Do you want to leave?”
The way you sniffled and tugged harder at the fabric of his tee was enough for him to make up his mind. After securing a protective arm around your shoulders, he firmly led you toward the exit, passing by the last few students who were scrambling the opposite way headed toward their classes.
You let him guide you out of the school and to the parking lot where his van was. Tears were copiously lining your cheeks and you kept your head lowered as Eddie opened the door for you and helped you up. Only when you found yourself safely set on the familiar worn out seat, momentarily alone while Eddie made his way to the driver's side, did you let out a shuddering breath in an attempt to regain some control over yourself.
You hated crying in front of others, especially in front of your boyfriend; he had only seen you upset a couple of times before, however never to this magnitude and never when those rare “cowardly” moments came upon you. It was embarrassing for you, especially if you considered how you had overreacted. How could you have let something so stupid affect you so much?
The disgusted looks you had received instantly snaked their way back to your mind, soon followed by the strong feeling of repulsion your body had suddenly caused you. Your hands instinctively moved onto the jacket still wrapped around your shoulders and tugged it down to lie it over your tummy, the particular area of your body that in your seated position was bulging out the most and that day, out of all days, made you tremendously self-conscious.
The sound of the door clicking closed startled you and you turned around to see Eddie crash onto his seat and wrap his hands around the steering wheel, giving it a good squeeze out of habit before setting his gaze on you. He instantly noticed the way his jacket was now laid over your torso and thighs in a sloppy attempt to cover yourself and his brows furrowed out of hurt or confusion, you couldn't tell.
He averted his gaze and you did the same. You knew one hell of an uncomfortable conversation awaited you and you wished with all your might it would end up being short and easy. How? You didn't care. You only wanted it to be quick and as painless as possible.
"Listen Eddie, I'm-"
"I'm sorry, baby-"
You had spoken at the same time and immediately turned to look at each other.
Confusion made its way upon your features as you registered what he had said.
"You're sorry? What for?”, you blinked at him, shaking your head, “you don't have to apologize! You did nothing wrong!"
The very last thing you wanted was for him to feel guilty or responsible in some way for what had happened.
He sighed and lowered his head, gaze fixed on his lap where his hands fidgeted nervously.
"I should have said something."
He looked and sounded so disconsolate that you almost started crying again. You really wanted to reassure him but he started talking again before you could find the words.
“At first I wasn’t sure what had made you react like that all of a sudden and when you told me you were feeling cold I thought it was strange but I believed you. When I saw you flinch at that stupid kid’s words though I knew you had told me a lie… but I couldn't really understand what had happened! You never let that kind of comments reach you! So I was confused and I was afraid that by giving Mike's words more weight than they deserved I would only make things worse for you. I don't know…” Eddie shook his head with a sigh, eyes awkwardly darting around before settling on your face.
“When I saw you crying I knew I had fucked up, though."
“No…”, you lamented out of protest, reaching forward for his hands, taking them in yours, “no Eddie, don’t say that. I overreacted, that’s all. It was stupid of me to make such a scene… and make you worry for nothing! I’m sorry. Really. I also ruined the mood at the table! I’ll have to apologize to the others-”
He tugged at your hands, immediately drawing your attention and making you stop rambling. It was so evident that you were trying to belittle what had happened and what you had felt. You were trying so hard to convince him that it was nothing. In an attempt to reassure him but, what you were really doing, was trying to convince yourself first and foremost.
“It can’t be nothing if it makes you cry.”
You searched his eyes for a moment, gaze roaming over his earnest features. Tears started to well in your eyes once again and you instantly turned around and slammed your back to the seat with a groan.
"You must find it ridiculous, I’m sure!”, you blurted out in a mocking tone. You felt angry. You weren’t angry at him but at yourself. At the way you had handled the whole situation. Angry at the way you had allowed some stupid strangers to make you hate your body. “Where's the y/n you've learned to know and like? The brave girl that doesn't give a shit how fat she is? You’re wondering that, aren’t you?"
You pressed yourself further against the door as soon as you felt his hand tentatively grab your shoulder.
"I just-”, you groaned again, brushing the back of your hand against your damp eyelids, “-I just don't want you to think any less of me."
"Sweetheart… I don’t and I would never.”
Eddie reclaimed your attention by tugging at your arm and making you turn toward him, not without some resistance from your part though. He made sure you were looking at him before he started speaking again.
“Sure, I love that side of you… Your confidence is inspiring-"
You interrupted him with a scoff. "I'm inspiring because I'm fat and I don't act like it?"
"You're inspiring…", he stressed, a scolding nuance in both his tone and look, "...because you don't let those stupid people drag you down! You brush their comments and stares off like they're nothing, 'cause they are nothing! You never give those assholes the time of the day. You also don’t take yourself too seriously and make those self-deprecating jokes of yours…". He chuckled softly, shaking his head. "I love that about you. But you can’t always be as tough as you want to be.”
You sighed and crossed your arms over your chest.
He was making sense. You were so used to hiding yourself behind that confident facade you created that you allowed it to make you blind to the truth of things. Convincing yourself that you had no issues whatsoever with how you looked didn't make them disappear into nothing, as much as you wanted them to. Inevitably, from time to time, one of those stares, comments, or sneers would slip through your facade and hurt you real bad. You were insecure; no amount of jokes or eyerolls would make that part of you go away.
"Besides…", he muttered, drawing your attention back to the moment, "...those people are wrong in the head, if you ask me."
"And why is that?"
He looked pleased by your question, a cheeky smile spreading over his lips.
"’Cause you're the most perfect girl in Hawkins, baby! And I bet in the whole world, too."
You rolled your eyes at him but you couldn't suppress the smile that made its way upon your face.
"Oh, shut up Eddie! That's bullshit."
"The hell it is!" he protested, eyes opening wide, "baby, you're so smart. Annoyingly smart! So smart that I look like I have brain damage when I’m with you… but I don't care. I like it, honestly. As long as I'm with you, I'll eventually rub some of that smartness off of you, right?"
"So… you're with me because I can help you with your homework."
He grinned at you as he sneaked a finger under your still crossed arms to poke your side, making you flinch and break your defensive stance.
"That's only one of the billions of perks of being your boyfriend, you silly girl! Ask me what the others are!"
You let out a deep sigh but you secretly enjoyed the funny turn the conversation had taken. At least Eddie was his goofy self again and that had made you keep your guard down as well.
"And what would the others be?"
"I'm glad you asked!" he exclaimed with a wink and dramatically swirled his forefinger in your direction. "Your beautiful smile… the light of my days! Makes the sun shine even in the darkest times!"
"Oh, no…", you rub a hand over your face, "forget I asked, please."
He ignored your plea and charged ahead.
"Those sexy eyes of yours, baby… they pierce right through my poor weak heart each time you lay 'em on me!"
He was using his deep and dramatic dungeon master's voice therefore making his cheesy lines even more embarrassing for you to hear.
You kept your hand at the level of your eyes to hide from him but he grabbed your wrist and pulled on it to free the subject of his reveries.
As soon as your eyes met his, he let out a strangled moan and moved your palm on his chest.
"Feel what you do to me?"
The funny thing was that you actually couldn't feel anything and that made you bite your lip as you barely held back a chuckle.
"There's no heartbeat, Eddie…"
He silently stared at you for a moment, then lowered his eyes on his chest where your hand was placed before looking back at you.
"Oh! I knew you would kill me one day!"
At that point you couldn't hold back any longer and bursted out laughing.
"You're such a clown!"
Eddie was struggling to hold back his own laughter but managed somehow not to break his acting.
"Wait, I haven't finished!
"Please don't-"
"No no, I saved the best for last! I must mention that soft squishy body of yours!"
Before you could truly register what he had said, his hands were on you, grabbing, squeezing, poking, tickling every inch of flesh he could find. His jacket inevitably fell from your thighs as you flinched and jumped, half-laughing and half-protesting for him to stop.
When he decided you had enough, he retreated slightly, a grin plastered on his face and his hands firmly set on your sides as he waited for you to regain your breathing.
"You have no idea of the struggle I have to fight to not nut in my pants every time I'm allowed to get my hands on you."
You shook your head and struggled to hide a smirk.
"You're a clown and a pervert on top of it. What a catch, uh?"
"Excuse you! I prefer 'slutty jester'."
You snorted at the over the top insulted look he gave you.
"Your slutty jester, my queen." He whispered in his sultry voice, "mmm yes, your humble servant." He bit his lips, hands pressing harder on your soft sides as he moved closer.
"What are you-"
He leaned forward with his whole body, hands moving on the seat to help himself up as he snuck toward you, squirming past the center console until his upper body laid in your lap. He looked so uncomfortable in that position. You were about to protest and push him back up but he made a face and hushed you before you could open your mouth. “Nope! You won’t take my Nirvana away from me!” and taking advantage of your temporary stupor he pulled up the hem of your tee and sank his face in your tummy with a satisfied moan.
"Eddie!"
His hot breath warmed your skin and you thought you heard him say, "my favorite pillow" in between weird cooing sounds before he wrapped his arm around your hips and pulled you closer.
It wasn't unusual for Eddie to pull something like that from time to time and although at first it made your body tense, you soon felt your muscles relax, hands snaking in his hair to brush it gently.
"I didn't know you were a cat."
"Mmm", he moaned again as he pulled back a little to brush his forehead against your skin, "I wish I was so I could sit in your lap and never ever move again."
He looked up at you, a sincere love drunk look hovering on his face.
"I adore you baby."
Your heart skipped a beat. A smile instantly spread over your lips, you could even feel warmth rising in your cheeks. You moved your fingers onto his forehead to brush a strand of hair away from his eyes.
"So much." he added and you bit your lip. Your hand moved lower to caress his cheek and you bent forward to press your lips on his forehead. Eddie grabbed the back of your neck and pulled himself up enough to meet you in a tender but passionate kiss.
"I adore you too, my slutty feline jester." You whispered upon his lips before meeting him again in a searing kiss, letting his love wash over you.
You let the fondness and care of his touches temporarily numb those intrusive thoughts perennially present in the back of your mind, occasionally coming up front to put you down and make you think less of yourself. You let his words sink in and counter your insecurity. Knowing that he loves you no matter what, and that he's always ready to remind you of that; wraps your heart and provides you with a safe-haven you can retreat to whenever you feel the world or even your own mind turning a bit too cruel toward you.
Eddie's right; you're smart, beautiful, strong and your squishy body is just perfect the way it is, no matter what the others see, think or say. Why would you care about others when you have such a perfect loving boyfriend, anyway?