Archive of Our Own ^beta

1.

Living mostly without Charlie for any period of time, Nick quickly came to realise, was hard.

It started off impossible.

He knew—at least part of him did—that it was better, to not just be helplessly watching Charlie suffer. He knew the sooner this happened, the better for Charlie, and the sooner it would be over. He knew Charlie had made the decision himself, and that Charlie truly believed this—being away from his family and friends, away from Nick, but with people who really knew how to help in a place he wouldn’t be judged—was the right, and maybe the only, thing to do.

Nick knew he hated this, regardless.

He supposed he should have been prepared for the experience, after spending three weeks entirely apart not long ago when he was in an entirely different country. But being away from Charlie had sucked then, too, especially with his little bit of awareness of Charlie’s deteriorating state.

It sucked being away from Charlie, generally, and it sucked even more under sucky circumstances.

The current circumstances couldn’t really have been much worse, in Nick’s book.

Maybe it was that, despite the obvious lead-up, it had seemed to happen so quickly. Maybe it was that Nick had only learned just how terrible the situation was, and before he’d managed to process it, Charlie was already gone.

Maybe it was that he still hadn’t processed it. He didn’t even know where to begin.

He thought part of it might have also been that school without Charlie—where they were usually together every day—was very different to a family holiday in Menorca without Charlie. Nick had gotten used to seeing Charlie in form, and in the corridors between classes, and at lunch, when Charlie seemed least happy but less unhappy once he was tucked up next to Nick. But maybe that was just Nick, less unhappy with Charlie tucked up next to him.

It wasn’t like it was his first school day without Charlie. He’d been skipping here and there since the start of term, so it wasn’t like they’d had an unbroken routine.

But today was the first day he was at school while Charlie was gone. Hours away, basically alone, where Nick couldn’t even so much as send him a text and expect a reply. Even though Nick did that at least a dozen times a day; even though he’d still done it yesterday, and this morning; forgetting.

Now he was coming out of class and his feet were already trying to take him towards Charlie, before remembering it was a distance he couldn’t walk.

He forced them to change direction.

He wasn’t entirely sure where he expected to end up, but he wasn’t very surprised. He was, however, a little bit thrown by who joined him.

“I was waiting for you,” Tao accused without ceremony, waltzing into the art room with his hands already set scoldingly on his hips.

From his place on the floor in the corner—in the nest of tree roots, where he knew Charlie found the most comfort—Nick blinked up at Tao as the younger boy wound around the tables. He absorbed the sudden presence, then the words he’d been greeted with, then blinked again. “What?”

“At our table,” Tao said, like ‘duh’, even though Nick still had no clue what he was on about. “I forgot, and I was waiting for—Aled has something else, so I was just waiting for you. Like an idiot, obviously.”

As Tao stopped in front of him, arms now crossed over his chest, Nick’s mouth opened and closed again. Finally, he managed, “Sorry.”

With a sigh, Tao let his arms drop. He shucked off his bag before settling down a couple of cupboards away from Nick. “It’s fine. Thought I’d find you here.”

Nick wasn’t sure what to make of that, so he didn’t say anything.

It wasn’t that he didn’t consider himself and Tao to be friends. Truthfully, they’d had a fairly rocky start, for what Nick supposed was a mixture of good reason and classic misunderstanding. But since coming back from Paris, when they’d all finally reached the same page and really became a group, they’d fallen into a much easier acquaintance. Tao was still all sarcasm, but no spite. He was still first and foremost Charlie’s friend in Nick’s head, much like Elle and Aled were, but they’d all made their own spots in Nick’s life and forged their own cells in his heart.

Tao, however, would always feel the most distant, Nick thought. They got on, but they’d never found themselves one-on-one, or made any effort to. They didn’t always see eye to eye, still, but they seemed to always be in agreement over the most important things (Charlie) and they spent a good bout of time together with other people, so Nick concluded they were probably friends in the most casual sense.

Charlie was the glue that held all of them together. Nick wasn’t sure Tao would still be an attachment, without him.

But here Tao was. He crossed his legs comfortably, dug his lunch out of his bag, and organised himself without paying heed to Nick, who was admittedly fairly silent and still and easy to ignore, despite the fact he was six-foot, sad, and staring. With a bite of food in his mouth, Tao mused, “I’ve never actually eaten lunch in here. Charlie and Elle always did it when they wanted to be alone.”

This was information Nick was already fairly aware of, but the open mention of it made him raise a brow. “You didn’t consider I might be here for the same reason?”

He asked out of genuine curiosity, rather than with any accusation, and the fact Tao had come to recognise these tones in Nick and so didn’t immediately react with a snappy defence was likely a little more evidence that they were, in fact, somewhere in the broad spectrum of friendship.

“No,” was all Tao responded with, characteristically blunt and honest. “You’re a golden retriever trapped in a teenage rugby player’s body. If you had wanted to be alone it’d probably be best not to allow it, anyway.”

Nick tilted his head. “Thanks?” He wasn’t sure this was the correct response, but Tao’s statement had sounded concernedly like…well, concern.

Tao only huffed and shoved more food in his mouth, so Nick thought he was probably right.

It wasn’t like it was anything new. It hadn’t even been two full days, and Nick was running into concern everywhere. His mum hadn’t been overly explicit about it—thankfully—because she knew he would come to her directly if he needed to. He felt like they’d discussed it enough recently that for the moment, he didn’t. The rugby lads had no idea what was going on, and still they’d seemed worried about him this morning; even Christian, who had little idea what was going on at the best of times.

Of course, Nick had also bumped into Mr Ajayi when he’d gotten to the art room. Nick, only realising what he was doing, had been prepared to blurt an apology and turn on his heel. But Mr Ajayi had only looked him over from head to toe, furrowed his brow, and then waved Nick in with one of his easy smiles.

“You can keep Charlie’s spot warm, I suppose,” he’d said, which had very nearly made Nick cry, which had made Mr Ajayi both more concerned and confused. “Or did you want to talk about something?”

Nick had managed to blink the tears back while staring at his shoes and had given a swift shake of his head.

“Right, well, you know the drill then. No crumbs on the floor.” Lingering at the door, Mr Ajayi had added, “And you’re free to come back, if you need anything.”

Nick needed one thing very badly, and it wasn’t here. There was no point bothering with anything else.

“Where’s your lunch?” Tao wondered—demanded—after a short lapse of silence.

Nick glanced at his bag, unopened, by his crossed ankles. He ducked his head, tangling his hands in his lap. “I feel a bit sick,” he muttered.

Tao chewed silently, hands clasping both sides of his lunchbox as he gazed at Nick. “You might feel better when you eat something.”

Nick doubted that, but he got the message. He leaned forward enough to grab his bag and drag it onto his lap. It didn’t earn him a response, but Tao’s shoulders loosened again as he released his grip on the box to go in for more lunch.

When Tao had finished and Nick had picked halfway through his own food and was finally gaining a little speed, Tao broached the subject. “Have you heard anything from him?”

Obviously, he didn’t have to specify who. Nick very badly wanted the answer to be yes, but, “They aren’t allowed phones. They can call from the clinic, but only so much. Tori got to speak to him for a bit. He’s—she said he seemed okay.” She said the first thing he did was ask about her, and then me. She said he was fine, and we know it’s because he still doesn’t know how to worry about himself.

“That’s crap.” Tao scowled down at his lap. Then he shook himself. “I mean, it makes sense, probably, but still. They’re bound to get bored. I’m sure there’s only so much else you can do in there.”

Nick did not say it was likely Charlie didn’t have the energy to be bored, but that had been the truth for a long time. What he did say was, “Yeah.”

“I’m not saying that’s what’s important, though,” Tao added, more hastily than he’d ever said anything to Nick. “Obviously it’s good that he’s there. If that’s what he thinks he needs. It’s just—I wish—” Tao cut himself off with another scowl and a huff, and Nick finally understood.

“We can’t fix it,” he said softly.

He’d made that disheartening discovery more than a month ago, and still, the thought made him recoil. He knew it would have the same effect on Tao, but he knew keeping up the denial would only be worse. They could be there, of course, like Nick’s mum had said. If Charlie called, they would answer, and Nick was already counting down the hours until he could visit.

But they couldn’t help. Not really.

They couldn’t do much of anything.

Tao released a groan, then snapped, “I know that.” Immediately after, he mumbled, “Sorry.”

This was concerning enough that Nick turned to look at him.

“I shouldn’t be snapping at you,” Tao added, a little more steadily, which really did nothing for Nick’s growing worry. “I’m assuming this sucks for you.”

He assumed correctly. Nick didn’t have to admit it openly.

“It’s just…” The words faded to nothing. Tao exhaled and restarted. “How long?”

Nick twisted his hands together in his lap and stared down at them. “As long as it takes, I guess. I don’t think there’s a set period, but I could be wrong. I’ve only been able to look into it so much, yet.”

“No. How long did you know?”

Nick froze.

Tao twisted around to face him, holding his hands up. “Look, I’m not accusing you, just—tell me?”

“Uhm,” Nick said, squeezing his fingers together. “I guess I can’t say I really knew at any specific time, but I properly started to notice the eating thing on the Paris trip, I guess, and then when he fainted, we…I mentioned it. I didn’t say anything like ‘eating disorder’ to him until a while after we got back, because I was trying to figure out how to not make him feel worse. Because he’d told me about, like…some of the other stuff, before—”

“Before the Paris trip?” Tao cut him off.

Nick nodded.

“So…so before I even knew you were together, he’d told you that he—”

Sudden understanding came to Nick, and he whipped his head up. “Tao,” he interrupted. “It isn’t anything like that. You can’t—you should have seen how difficult it was for him to tell his parents, and it’s not like he told me that he…I mean, that one time he mentioned it, I asked him to tell me, if he felt like that again. But it’s not—well, look.” Nick flicked a hand in a pitiful attempt to encompass the whole shitty situation.

“And he never told me about the eating thing,” he added, after a heavy breath. “Like, he couldn’t make himself believe he hadn’t hurt himself, so that was different. I mean, I think he knew, because when I did ask a little in Paris, he was kind of able to explain, but I don’t think he fully accepted it.” Shaking his head, Nick gathered himself enough to meet Tao’s eye. “It wasn’t that he didn’t trust you.”

Tao looked away, slumping back against the presses again. “I know, it’s not about me,” Tao said, a little peevishly. Before Nick could find a way to say that wasn’t what he meant, Tao was continuing, “It’s about my best friend, and he shouldn’t have ever had to tell me about something like that. I should have noticed.”

Nick slumped back into his own corner. “Oh.”

Tao closed his eyes, giving his head a small shake. “I was the only one who was there, the whole time. Long before you. It should’ve been easier for me to—” Tao’s breath hitched, and he didn’t finish. Nick didn’t push him to.

He knew the feeling. The frustration borne by the fear. The sadness that spiralled towards anxiety. The guilt that made a home in you.

Warranted or not, it lived there. Nick had spent months in cohabitation, had tried to kick it out before settling on keeping the door closed. But it took a certain amount of strength to hold it at bay, and sometimes it cracked open.

Nick hadn’t been feeling very strong.

Still, he always managed to nudge it back in, because he’d learned the easiest ways over time. At the start, it was hard to stop it from taking over the whole house.

So Nick didn’t ask Tao to elaborate on how he was feeling, because he knew, and he didn’t tell Tao it wasn’t his fault, because Tao knew, and it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered other than that if Nick and Tao were going to be sitting here like this, it should have been because Charlie was between them, and he was not.

“I don’t even want to think about how it’s possible,” Tao said quietly, “but I think it could have been worse. Ages ago.” He drew his knees up to his chest and wrapped a hand around each. “I think you’ve been good for him.”

Nick’s instinctual response ranged from ‘but it wasn’t better’ to ‘what’s the difference in delaying the inevitable?’, but he refrained from voicing either, because it wouldn’t make anything better or make any difference whatsoever. Instead, he let the words sink in for a moment and realised what they actually were.

Tao would never apologize for his misplaced distrust of Nick when they’d all first met. Nick had never and would never expect him to.

This, however, seemed close.

“He changed my life,” was Nick’s equally quiet response, which usually would have made Tao gag and mock him endlessly, but now only caused him to squeeze his hands more tightly around his knees and bow his head.

By the time Nick remembered to pick his empty lunch bag off the floor and stuffed it in his bag, Tao had recollected himself enough to ask, “Do you think it’ll work?”

It was even quieter than before—barely more than a whisper—but Nick heard it and everything it held.

Do you think anything could?

“Yes,” Nick replied, a few beats too late but with the decisiveness to make up for it. Work perhaps wasn’t the right word, but it was close enough for them both to understand what was being asked, and answered.

Will it be enough?

Nick needed to think that it would be, because he wasn’t.

Tao nodded, because neither was he.

Then he looked at Nick, and almost smiled, and muttered, “You’re a gigantic sap and I shouldn’t take anything you say seriously,” which Nick took to mean thanks.

So maybe it wasn’t enough, but maybe it would do for now.

2.

“Give me Nellie or give me death.”

This was not what Nick expected to be greeted with upon opening his front door, but he probably shouldn’t have been surprised, especially given it was Darcy. What did surprise him was that she was an hour earlier than the group’s agreed-upon time and alone.

Nellie scared the wits out of him by silently sneaking up from the kitchen and nudging her nose out past his leg, much to Darcy’s delight.

“Oh my god, is this her?” Darcy squatted with a big grin and instantly reached out her hands, letting Nellie squeeze forward and plant her face in them. Darcy cooed. “You’re adorable.”

Nick’s heart gave a little twist, and he stiffened. His hand clenched painfully where he hadn’t let go of the doorknob, his other curling at his side, grasping for something that wasn’t there. He cleared his throat. “That’s her. Death avoided?”

“I don’t know, she is very cute, Nicholas,” Darcy shrugged, wagging her nose side-to-side in time with Nellie’s.

“She’ll be less so when she starts trying to break out,” Nick huffed, then stepped back and beckoned both girls after him. “Come in. Do you want some tea or something?”

Darcy politely accepted as she stepped inside, urging Nellie in front of her with a few encouraging pats. Nick waited to hang up her coat, leaving her in a tie dye hoodie and faded jeans. She elected to keep her beanie on.

Nellie had already disappeared, and Nick followed the sound of her panting to the kitchen with Darcy in tow. They found Nellie just inside the door, tail still wagging and nose poking up towards the counter where Nick’s mum was flicking on the kettle.

She looked up at the sound of their approach and smiled. Darcy’s shoulder bumped Nick’s back, and Nick looked around at her to find her shuffling on her feet, her responding smile hesitant.

“Mum, this is Darcy,” Nick quickly introduced. “She’s a bit early so I was going to make us some tea.”

“Hi, Ms Nelson,” Darcy piped up, more quietly than Nick had ever known her to say anything.

His mum waved off the title. “Please, call me Sarah. It’s lovely to meet you, darling.” Nick stepped aside as she came over to give Darcy a quick, gentle hug. “Nick’s told me what wonderful friends you and Tara have been. And you’re just in time, because I’ve just brewed the kettle and there’s too much for just me and Nicky.”

Darcy’s cheeks were rosy, but her smile was teasing as she flashed it at Nick. “That’s really nice. Nicky’s been pretty good to us, too.”

Nick narrowed his eyes at her, and she merely bumped him with her elbow, smile widening. It was almost enough to make him forget that his mum had filled the kettle too much because she was used to making tea for three.

He swallowed the feeling down and nudged Darcy back, directing her further into the kitchen. “D’you want to pick out a mug? Mum’s got a thing for collecting them everywhere so we have a bunch of weird ones you’d probably love.”

His mum swatted him lightly on the way past, but Darcy was eager as she peeked inside the cupboard Nick pointed her to, mouth falling open when she realised he wasn’t joking. “Oh, wow.” She glanced back at Nick, wide-eyed.

“Yep,” Nick laughed.

“Okay, which one’s yours? So I can narrow it down by at least one.”

Nick huffed and sidled in next to her, reaching for his initialed mug with hardly a glance. Then he paused.

Darcy caught his hesitation, eyes following his hand and dimming for a brief moment. She regained her usual perk quickly with another fond coo that had Nellie trotting towards her. “Well, that should have been obvious. Cute, and it narrows things down by two.”

Nick forced the tension from his shoulders and offered her a small smile. He reached the rest of the way and wrapped his fingers around the handle of the mug with the big ‘C’. He lifted it out carefully and took his ‘N’ from the top of it before replacing it on the shelf.

He’d gone through the same routine every day for a couple of weeks, now. There hadn’t been one occasion where it hadn’t thrown him.

Darcy hummed next to him as she considered her remaining options, before her lips titled up in a newly sparkling grin. “Nicky,” she said excitedly—wickedly—as she lifted out a colourful ceramic monstrosity, “where did you get this?”

She produced a shiny rainbow mug with ‘GAY PAREE’ written in thick, italic font on the centre with delight.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Nick responded innocently, picking out the mug his mum usually used and scratching Nellie’s head with his other hand.

“Why do I not have one of these?”

“Well, clearly, I’m more cultured than you.”

Darcy gasped in offence and outrage, smacking his shoulder while hugging the mug to her chest. “Slander. Homophobia. Sarah, are you hearing this?”

His mum laughed. “I think it’s best to leave this between you.”

Nick was stuck between praising the wise decision and offence she hadn’t joined his side. He was probably just lucky she hadn’t jumped at the chance to tease him. “Have you made your choice, then?”

“Uhm, obviously.” Darcy waved the Paris souvenir in the air and pointedly shut the cupboard.

Nick laughed, and Darcy beamed at him. He turned to pass his mum her mug and found her watching him, lips pressed in a soft smile and eyes shining. Nick let his smile widen just slightly, and didn’t complain when she pressed a kiss to his cheek before pouring the water into their mugs.

“D’you want to come up to my room for a bit?” Nick asked Darcy once they had tea in hand.

“You can stay here if you’d like and I can get out of your hair,” Nick’s mum offered, but Darcy waved her off.

“No, it’s okay, I’m the one interrupting,” Darcy said lightly. “And I might as well have Nicky give me the whole tour while I’m here.”

Nick swatted at her, but inwardly accepted the nickname was likely around to stay. It was weird hearing it from anyone other than his mum, but he thought it could become acceptable, eventually. He’d made sure none of his rugby mates—namely Harry—had never caught onto it when they hung around his house, knowing the teasing would be relentless.

It was the same with Darcy, but it also wasn’t. Darcy didn’t tease to make him feel bad, and would stop the second he asked once she knew he meant it. Darcy wasn’t like his old mates.

Darcy was his friend. Her constant teasing was only proof of it.

Nick cleared his throat and nodded towards the door. “Come on, then. We can take Nellie.”

Darcy gave a little cheer as Nellie perked up at the sound of her name and trotted ahead of Nick, following Darcy’s excited beckoning.

“Okay, I’m going to pop out in a bit, so if your other friends are here before I get back, make sure to lock the door behind you,” Nick’s mum told him, smiling warmly after Darcy and reaching out to give Nick’s arm a squeeze.

Nick nodded. “Okay, will do.” He gave her another smile, she gave his arm another pat, and then he took off with his tea.

Darcy stepped aside in the hallway to let Nick lead the way, and he guided them up the stairs.
He nudged his way into his room, letting Nellie slip in past his side and holding his door open for Darcy to follow behind.

“You can kick off your shoes if you want. Make yourself comfortable.” Nick, already in his socks, clambered right up onto his bed, careful of his tea, and accepted Nellie in his lap. She nosed at his free hand until he smoothed it over her and began petting her back.

Darcy raised her brows and smiled. “Don’t mind if I do.” She toed off her shoes by the door and then joined him. She perched cross-legged at the bottom of the bed, facing the headboard and perpendicular to Nick’s position sat back against his window, so she could sit by Nellie’s rump and offer her own affectionate scratches while sipping her tea. She gazed around, taking in his space, and Nick was surprised again at how little it bothered him. “It’s so cosy in here. Somehow both nothing and everything like what I expected from you.”

Nick huffed a laugh, lips quirking to one side. “Thanks?”

Darcy nodded seriously and settled into a comfortable silence as they both drank and Nellie lay between them.

“So, what’s the plan when everyone gets here?” Darcy asked after a bit, excitedly rubbing a hand over Nellie’s belly as the dog rolled onto her side.

“Oh, uhm.” Nick furrowed his brow, sliding his fingers through the hair at his forehead to push it back. “I don’t have one, really. I thought we could all go for a walk or something with Nellie. There’s a park nearby that Charlie and I always…”

Nick trailed off. Realising how easily Charlie’s name had slipped out left the rest of the words dying in his throat.

It was stupid. It wasn’t like he didn’t talk about Charlie. It felt like almost all he did, all the time, and no less so over these couple of weeks. He’d talked to Charlie on a dozen occasions in that time, and it always had a slightly different effect on him, sure. But there was no need to react like this now, after this time, in a completely normal conversation when Nick didn’t have the privacy of aloneness to be as miserable as he needed.

Darcy clearly noticed, but she only smiled at him. “Sounds good. They’re definitely going to fall in love with her instantly, so as long as she’s part of the plan, we’ll love it.” She gave Nellie a pat for emphasis, and Nellie thumped her tail in response.

Nick let the sound of movement downstairs fill the silence, but it only worked for a few minutes until the light bang of the front door signalled his mum had left. He glanced at Darcy, but she had resorted to re-examining his room in closer detail, bent forward over her crossed legs and squinting at various spots.

Her gaze settled on the wall behind Nick’s headboard, and her eyes lit up. “Oh my god.” She leaned over Nellie to set her near-empty mug on the windowsill, then pushed onto her knees and shuffle-crawled forward. Nick pulled his legs in as much as he could without disturbing Nellie and watched as Darcy put her face to the pictures above his bed. “This is so cute! Am I up here?”

Nick smiled slightly. “Uhm, yeah, should be. There’s a few Paris squad ones scattered about, I think.”

Darcy cooed, sounding even more fond than she had upon meeting Nellie. “So sweet, Nicky.”

Nick scoffed, and hid the way his cheeks warmed and his smile widened by finishing off his tea. “It’s a completely normal thing to do.”

“Well, yeah. I mean, I have heaps of pictures of Tara on my phone. I’d probably hang a bunch up if I had my own space.” Nick’s heart squeezed at that, but Darcy seemed to remain unfazed, raising teasing brows at Nick. “But this is still pretty sappy. There is only one person in every single one of these, and it’s not you.”

This wasn’t news to Nick, but it still made his cheeks a little hotter. He set his mug up next to Darcy’s and shrugged. “What’s your point?” he taunted, nudging her with his toes.

She wriggled away from him with a grin, twisting back around to finish looking through his growing collection of photos, before her smile softened and she reached up. “How long ago was this?”

Her fingers skimmed the edge of Nick’s half of his and Charlie’s photobooth shots, showing a squished-tight hug and gentle kiss, both infused with excitement and warmth and an already undeniable fondness.

Something thick wedged itself in Nick’s throat and left his voice small. “It was a while before Paris?” He cleared his throat as Nellie shifted on his lap, pressing closer to his stomach and nosing at his now-free second hand. He scratched it idly over her nose. “It was our first date.”

Darcy softened further, lips pressing out in an adoring pout as she settled back onto her feet. Then she wiggled her brows at Nick. “So you two have always just been that sickeningly cute and clingy.”

Nick could have argued that she was hardly one to talk, as Darcy likely expected him to. All he managed was a weak smile.

Darcy’s demeanour shifted, some new softness spreading into a serious gaze and stronger posture. “I’m doing my usual thing of trying to be upbeat to make things feel better, but I don’t actually want you to think that means I’m not sad about everything,” she said. “Not everything everything, but Charlie everything. Or that I don’t realise you’re sad and I’m just completely ignoring it.”

Nick opened his mouth. Closed it again.

Darcy, noticing his struggle, added, “I know most people don’t take me seriously because…well, I don’t seem that serious. But you can still, like, talk to me. If you want to.”

“I take you seriously,” was all Nick could think to say, softly. “So do Tara and Elle, and Charlie.”

“Well, that’s why I said most people.” Darcy smiled a little. “But that really wasn’t my point.” She shifted her weight, twisting to face Nick, propping herself up with her left hand as she curled her legs under her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Nick tangled his hand in the fur at Nellie’s neck and looked down at her as she nosed at his chest. “I mean, yeah, it sucks. But it’s Charlie it sucks for, you know? I’m just worried about him. I can’t imagine how he feels.”

“How was he the last time you went to see him?”

“He was…good. The best I’ve seen him in a while, really.” Nick let out a breath. “He got quieter as it went on, though, like he knew we’d have to leave soon and was thinking about how he wouldn’t be coming with us.”

“He was thinking that, or you were?”

Darcy’s voice and raised brows were gentle, but Nick still felt the small blow to his chest. His eyes prickled, and he sucked in a breath, but he was too late.

Darcy tugged him into her arms as the tears spilled over and Nick fell against her chest, wrapping his arms around her waist to a small protest from Nellie. “It’s okay,” Darcy murmured to him, as Nick let out a choked-hiccup-sob that he was instantly embarrassed by. “It sucks for you too and it’s okay.”

“Sorry,” Nick got out through sniffles, the one word wobbling.

“Don’t.” Darcy squeezed his shoulders. “Just feel whatever you need to.”

Nick wouldn’t have been able to stop now if he tried, so he hid and let Darcy keep him upright as Nellie tucked her head over his thigh. He couldn’t tell how long he took to gather himself, but Darcy kept silent and sturdy until the only evidence of his crying was scattered gulping breaths.

“I think we’re actually a lot alike,” Darcy said then, barely above a whisper but clear in the silence of the house, with her cheek tilted against Nick’s head. “I’d feel terrible at home and just break down once I’m alone or sometimes with Tara. Then once I’m free, I try to be happy most of the time because I don’t want to upset anyone, but also because if I don’t, I might literally die. Like if you let it hurt at all it’s too much.”

Nick let the words sink over them for a bit, turning them around in his mind until he felt like he understood. “Sometimes I just feel like I need to hit something or break something and it’s so dumb,” he whispered, “because I’ve always watched people do that on TV and thought ‘well, that was stupid, now you just have more mess’. But it’s just like, all this pressure, everywhere, sometimes, and I feel like I need to get it out or I’ll scream.”

“Do that, then.”

Nick sniffed and relaxed back from the hug, resting a hand atop Nellie’s head once more but keeping his other behind Darcy. “What?”

Darcy looped her arm more loosely around his shoulder with a half-shrug. “Scream.”

Nick blinked at her, then sniffed again, scratching behind Nellie’s ear. “I don’t think it’s that—”

Darcy screamed, and Nick jerked away as Nellie lurched up from his lap. Nick watched, wide-eyed, as Darcy yelled into his room with all her might until Nellie gave a loud bark and Darcy let the sound fall away.

With an apologetic grimace, Darcy reached out to pat the border collie’s head where she’d retreated to the edge of bed, entirely unaffected by the gut-wrenching noise she’d just released. “Oops, didn’t think about that. Sorry, Nell—”

Nick started screaming before she could finish. Darcy’s head whipped around to him as Nellie leaped right off the bed and began hopping from foot to foot on the floor, barking again, then again, tail flying. He stopped with an audible exhale only once he’d run out of breath and the weight in his chest seemed to have lifted an inch.

Then he met Darcy’s eyes, and watched as she grinned. With an unspoken agreement, they started screaming again in tandem. Nellie barked along with them, bouncing over Nick’s floor from one end of the bed to the other and back, again and again.

Once they ran out of steam, Darcy let out a gust of laughter that had Nick quickly following, his chest heaving but feeling pounds lighter than before.

“Better?” Darcy asked, bumping his shoulder as Nellie crawled carefully back into her lap.

Nick took a breath. “Yeah, actually. Thanks.”

Darcy offered him a small grin, working her hands over Nellie’s back. “Good. So you know it’s okay. If you ever need to be sad for a bit. You can be sad with me.”

Nick smiled crookedly, ready to return the sentiment when the doorbell rang. Nellie shot from the bed and out into the hall before Nick or Darcy could react. Darcy laughed and got up to follow, expression brightening at the prospect of her girlfriend being only feet away. Nick caught her shoulder before she got through the door, and she turned back to him.

“Same goes for you,” he promised. “You and Tara really have been the best friends I’ve had in…ever. Thanks, Darce.”

She wound his arms around him in another quick hug. “Anytime, Nicky.”

Nick huffed, and she added, “We love you. We want you to be okay as much as we want it for Charlie. You should talk to Tara, too. She’s more worried about you than she’s let on.”

“Yeah,” Nick nodded. “Will do.”

“Good. Now come on so I can see her.”

“How do you even know it’s her?”

“Gay intuition.”

Nick laughed as he followed her down the stairs, and marvelled at everything bright he’d already managed to tuck away from today to tell Charlie later. It only got better when they opened the door to find Tara, Elle, and Tao, and Tao’s entire demeanour fell apart at the first sight of Nellie.

“You’ve just earned about a hundred points,” he told Nick, eyes wide as he crouched down to scratch at Nellie’s neck and she licked his nose in greeting.

“Wait until you see his room,” Darcy said cheerfully, greeting her girlfriend with a quick kiss before grabbing Tao’s arm and dragging him up the stairs.

Tara’s eyes widened. “Darcy!”

“It’s okay,” Nick laughed, “she’s good. She knows where she’s going, and I’ve been embarrassed enough today already. A little something from Tao can’t hurt.”

“You’re definitely going to regret those words,” Elle said, laughing herself as she followed the other two to his room.

Tara’s attention shifted to Nick, and he was gifted with her usual warm smile and an even warmer hug. “How are you?”

“Not great,” Nick found himself admitting honestly, for once. “But it’s really good to see all of you.”

Tara squeezed his arm as her smile softened, but Tao bounded back down the stairs before she could speak. “Why are you like this?” he demanded. “Fairy lights, Nelson? God, I can’t believe I thought you were capable of being an asshole. Or straight.”

“Tao,” Elle reprimanded from above, just as Nick and Tara broke into laughter. Nick could hear Darcy’s cackle.

He wondered if Charlie would’ve been the one to scold or agree, if he were here, and reserved to tell him as soon as they spoke to find out.

Tara bumped her elbow against him to regain his attention, and he turned towards her to find her brows raised. “You can tell us all about it when we’re out, if you want.”

Nick didn’t have to think about it. “Yeah. That’d be nice.”

3.

It was no real secret that Nick frightened easily. Charlie had teased him about it ever since that first trip to the cinema, and Tao had discovered it upon one of many film nights and refused to let it go since. It could be embarrassing, at times, especially when cowering from a movie that was supposedly suitable for viewers much younger than himself.

But Nick felt well within his rights to be mildly terrified when Tori Spring appeared in front of him at the school gates.

Nick had always found Tori to be vaguely intimidating, and while the past few weeks had shown him proof she was, in fact, human, and probably not as murderously minded as she occasionally looked, a different sort of fear linked to her presence had sunk in.

Nick refrained from asking the dozen variations of what’s wrong and is Charlie okay in favour of, “Hi.”

“Charlie’s going to call you this evening,” Tori informed him without preamble.

Relief flooded through Nick. He even smiled. “Oh. Okay, gre—”

Tori continued, “But I wanted to give you a heads up before then so you’re prepared and don’t accidentally make things worse.”

“What?” Nick gave up on appearing put-together. “What’s going on, is he okay? Have I—”

“He’s fine. Yesterday just wasn’t a great day and he’s going to tell you not to come tomorrow.”

“Oh,” Nick said, again. His heart sank into his stomach, and he wasn’t sure if it was due to the thought of Charlie having a bad day, or him being unwanted because of it.

He must have looked as crestfallen as he felt, because before he could spiral too far, Tori was adding, “Although he’d probably really rather see you than any of us. I think he just doesn’t want you to see him when he’s…”

Nick furrowed his brow. “But he knows that I want to,” he said, though it sounded almost like a question. “I want to be there, especially if he’s having a harder time and the only reason he’s telling me not to be is because he’s being hard on himself.”

“I know,” Tori sighed, “and he’ll still appreciate you telling him that, but it won’t win back your invitation. He made the mistake of mentioning it to Mum already last night and of course she agreed it’s for the best. Which Charlie really seemed to think too, in the moment.”

“Oh.” There was no point in pretending now, but he wasn’t going to whine about it, either. He was fairly sure Mrs Spring wasn’t his biggest fan; not because she didn’t like him, he didn’t think, but because she didn’t seem to quite understand that he was as obsessed with Charlie as Charlie was with him and neither of them felt anything was wrong with that. Nick might have been prepared to argue with her, from that standpoint, but this was different. Charlie would ask, and Nick would respect it. Simple as that. “Yeah, right. Okay, then.”

“If it helps, she doesn’t want to take Oliver this time either. Though I think that’s more for his sake than Charlie’s. And considering we haven’t got many options in the way of babysitters, I may not be going, either.”

Charlie could not be allowed to miss out on time with both his siblings as well as Nick. “I can watch Olly.”

Nick didn’t think about the offer before it came out of his mouth, but he felt no desire to take it back.

Tori seemed a bit more skeptical. “Really?”

“Why not?” Nick shrugged, trying to find the balance between sincere and not-weirdly-eager. “We get on really well, and it’s less hassle, and if it’s the only thing I can do, then…”

Thankfully, understanding dawned. Tori gave him a clipped nod. “Okay. I’ll mention it to Mum and text you. If you’re sure.”

“I am.” Nick genuinely loved Oliver, but more than that, he loved Charlie. He would do whatever Charlie needed him to; even the things Charlie himself would never think of.

Tori looked at him for another moment, then seemingly accepted she’d had a successful encounter and turned on her heel. It was one of the easiest conversations Nick felt he’d had with her. It reminded him they were very much on the same side, and that created the strands of a bond that lack of familiarity had been unable to build. All things considered, he thought it went well.

This thought wavered when, only a few steps away, Tori spun back around and pinned him with an indecipherable look. But all she did was nod again and say, “Thanks, Nick.”

Nick nodded back, and then she was gone, leaving Nick both heavier and lighter than before.

~^~

Oliver Spring was adorable and impressively well-behaved for the age of seven. This was Nick’s only thought as they sat at the Springs’ kitchen table together and Oliver ate the haphazard dinner Nick had made him without complaint, munching slowly but cleanly as he swung his feet under the table. Nick picked through his own food at a below-average pace, both to keep Oliver company and to keep his churning stomach at bay.

He felt both anxious about Charlie in general and out of place in being at the Springs’ without him. He knew he’d been entrusted with it and was actually doing everyone a favour, and still, he felt that he was doing something he shouldn’t have been allowed to.

It didn’t help that he was really entirely unequipped to mind a seven-year-old on his own.

He’d babysat his younger cousins on the regular, but that had only ever meant watching them while the adults were busy but around. He could entertain well, but his inadequacies became evident early on when Oliver had looked up at him with his big, Charlie-like eyes and quietly but bluntly said he was hungry.

Nick had seriously considered texting Tori for half a minute before getting a grip and reminding himself Oliver could not be the hardest-to-feed Spring, and Nick had succeeded at that higher level before.

Now, as Oliver chomped away at the last chicken nugget on his heavily filled plate, Nick allowed himself to breathe.

Oliver had already finished his small bits of homework with Nick’s tentative help, and he sat in silence while Nick finished his food despite his own empty plate. So when Nick finally gathered and rinsed their dishes and got them stacked in the washer, what else was he supposed to do when Oliver asked, “Can we play Mario Kart now?”

Nick had accumulated hours of practice at Mario Kart over the year, and was still not good enough to beat his boyfriend. Or, apparently, his boyfriend’s baby brother.

“How are you all so good at this?” Nick demanded, half a complaint and half a genuine plea for answers.

Oliver giggled at his failure but very seriously said, “I’m not even the best. Charlie’s the best. He always wins when he plays. Sometimes I beat Tori though.”

Nick swallowed and managed to smile down at him. “Charlie never lets me win either. He’s too good at everything.”

“Yeah. That’s why I’m practising a lot, so when he gets back I’ll be really good too and I can beat him.”

Nick couldn’t help but smile. “I think he’ll be really impressed, even if you don’t win.”

Oliver turned the controller in his hands and looked up at Nick, eyes even bigger than before as he tilted his head and implored, “Do you know when he’s coming back? I keep asking Mum, but she just says not yet.”

The smile slid from Nick’s face. He’d maintained the same time-frame with a slight difference in his head—not yet, but soon. It felt more and more true with every call and visit, as Charlie told Nick about all his little victories and they watched as roundness and colour slowly returned to him. That’s what Nick had been holding onto only three days ago, when he’d seen Charlie last and Charlie had offered him a dozen smiles in the span of an hour as well as a kiss goodbye.

Then Charlie had called him yesterday with tears in his voice and apologies that Nick would allow none of, and today, here Nick sat.

Not yet seemed all the best he could offer.

“I don’t know either, buddy,” Nick said, trying for both softness and a smile and not fully succeeding at either. “Another few weeks, I think. But you’ll have more time to practice that way, right?”

Oliver nodded. “Yeah,” he agreed, though his gaze dropped solemnly back to his game controller, which he resumed fiddling with. “I would like it better if he just came back soon though.”

Nick took a sharp breath to steady himself. “Me too.”

“Do you miss him?” Oliver asked, setting his controller aside and twisting to face Nick, curling his legs up towards his chest.

Nick wasn’t sure where this was going, but figured he couldn’t go wrong with honesty. “Yeah.”

“Me too,” Oliver admitted. Then, “Because you love him?”

“Yeah.”

Oliver nodded seriously. “Me too.”

Nick wouldn’t ignore the boy’s questions, and he wouldn’t start crying in front of him. Those should have been two simple tasks, but they were difficult to abide by at once. He cleared his throat. “You should tell him that next time you go see him.”

“To make him feel better?”

“Yeah. Lots better.”

“Like when you hug and kiss him.”

It was ridiculous, but Nick blushed. “Yeah.”

Oliver grinned toothily. “Okay.” Then he picked Nick’s controller up and thrust it at him. “Can we play Mario Kart again?”

Nick took the controller with a small but genuine smile.

~^~

He woke up to the sound of doors banging and voices carrying, and almost had a heart attack as a dark silhouette swam into sight.

“Jesus, Tori,” he managed to gasp after a moment, senses returned to him enough to see clearly and remember where he’d been before he fell asleep.

Oliver was tucked into his side, sound asleep and snoring where they still sat on the Springs’ sofa, controllers abandoned by their sides and TV screen buzzing in front of them where their movie had evidently ended. Tori stood next to it, evidently just home, her coat still wrapped around her. Her eyes were soft as she looked over her littlest brother.

Nick scrubbed a hand over his eyes and couldn’t avoid a yawn. “Sorry, I was meant to put him to bed. Didn’t meant to fall asleep.”

Tori looked tired, but not upset. That was good. “It’s okay. He won’t wake when he’s being moved anyway.”

Nick nodded, shifting enough to try to wake his dead arm now he knew he was unlikely to wake the boy lying on it. “Okay, I’ll just take him up now.”

“That’s alright, Nick. You probably want to get home.”

He managed to extract himself from Oliver and stood up to stretch. “Yeah.” He paused. “Well. David’s home for the weekend, actually, so.”

Tori pursed her lips, and didn’t say another word. Nick turned back to scoop Oliver up. Nick placed him on his hip, and Oliver’s head drooped against his shoulder, making a slight noise of displeasure but not waking. Nick waited until he seemed comfortably settled and then carefully carted him up the stairs.

Oliver roused slightly as Nick was laying him down, just enough to mumble, “Charlie?”

“Just Nick, buddy. You’ll see Charlie soon, okay?”

But Oliver was already asleep again.

“Charlie’s usually the only one that does that for him anymore.”

Nick jumped and found Tori standing in the doorway, watching him with an indecipherable expression—as per her usual.

“Mum and Dad always tell him he’s too big to be carried,” Tori explained. “But Charlie doesn’t care. That’s why he thought you were Charlie.”

Nick released a breath through his nose. “Right, yeah. Was he, uhm,” Nick cleared his throat. “How was he?”

Tori crossed her arms. “Fine,” she nodded. “Considering.”

“Did he…” Nick swallowed. “He hasn’t, like—”

“No,” Tori said, with a little more strength. “He’s fine.”

“Okay. That’s good.”

That was probably an over-exaggeration, but Nick would take anything other than really bad at this point. Lately, he’d been leaning on better, and he was trying to convince himself this still fit.

It was difficult. Considering.

“If it makes you feel better, I don’t imagine he’ll ask you to skip a trip again,” Tori said. “I’d say it took him about five minutes to decide he would’ve preferred having told Mum to stay.”

“They didn’t argue, did they?”

Tori huffed. “Oh, no, it was much more uncomfortable than that.” At Nick’s concerned look, she shook herself slightly. “He’s going to call you again tomorrow. He can tell you all about it.”

Nick’s shoulders slumped. “I should’ve tried harder to go with you.”

Tori pursed her lips and shook her head as she looked down. The room filled with rustling as Oliver shifted around in his bed. “He really was doing better.”

Nick had thought so, too, which was why he’d spent the past two days feeling so miserable. But they knew this progress wasn’t going to be linear. Nick had known that for a long time. He knew a setback—a bad day—didn’t delete the progress, or mean anything was as bad as before.

But it having been better meant this was worse again, regardless. And that was a hard thought to ignore.

“Tori.” Nick waited for Tori to look up at him. “Can I give you a hug?”

Tori stiffened. Her arms tightened around herself. “I don’t need your sympathy.”

Nick quickly shook his head. “I know,” he assured, waving his hands slightly before stuffing them in his pocket, shuffling a step forward. “And it’s fine if you don’t want one. Just…” he shrugged, dropping his gaze to the floor. “I’d like one.”

He twisted his hands together, still in the pocket of his hoodie, as Tori took a moment to consider him. “I’m not much of a hugger.”

Nick shuffled the step back and nodded. He offered Tori a small smile. “Okay.”

He expected that to be it, but Tori remained in the doorway. Nick wasn’t sure if he’d pissed her off, or she was simply thinking over something.

Then she asked, “Do you want to have a cup of tea and watch The Big Bang Theory?”

Nick stared.

Tori took a step back into the hall and raised a brow. “Or you can get home and have an early night with David.”

Nick snapped to his senses. “No, I—” He drew his hands out of his pockets and shook his head, smiling as Tori watched him expectantly. He thought, rather than pissing her off, he may have done something right. “Tea sounds great.”

+1.

Charlie opened the Springs’ door, and Nick immediately engulfed him in a hug. With a startled sound that quickly turned pleased, Charlie wound his arms around Nick. He giggled where his head was smushed to Nick’s neck, and the sound spread through Nick like fire. “Hi,” Charlie murmured.

Nick let out a breath. “Hi.”

“No kiss?”

“Hug first,” Nick explained.

Charlie hummed in agreement, burrowing himself closer to Nick whilst tugging him through the door. Nick gently kicked it shut behind him, staying as closely plastered to Charlie as he could. Nick breathed him in as Charlie nuzzled him appreciatively, curling his hands in the back of Nick’s coat.

“Your skin is freezing,” Charlie muttered, pushing his nose against Nick’s jaw anyway.

“It’s just sweltering in here,” Nick countered with a huff. “You can let go if it bothers you.”

Charlie made a noise of protest and tightened his grip, which made Nick smile. “Or I can hold on so you warm up. I missed your hugs.”

Nick didn’t say he’d missed hugging Charlie, although it was the truth. He’d always been affectionate with those he cared about, and there were few people he cared about as much as Charlie Spring. Nick would hold onto Charlie every moment of his life if he could for the simple reason of wanting to.

Also if it meant he’d never have to think about being apart, ever again.

“I hugged you on every visit at least twice,” was what he actually said, which was also true, although definitely not what Charlie meant.

“Yeah, but it always had to be short and Mum was watching,” Charlie confirmed Nick’s thoughts. Charlie turned his head enough that he could rest his chin on the edge of Nick’s shoulder and peer into his eyes, giving Nick’s waist a pointed squeeze. “I missed hugging you as long and disgustingly as I like.”

Nick met his gaze, cataloguing every bright glint in his eyes and the exact curve of his smile. He swallowed. “Me too.”

Charlie’s lashes fluttered as Nick leaned in, smile turning up further, creating the perfect imprint for Nick to kiss. Charlie huffed. “What is it with you and my dimples?”

“I haven’t kissed them in like two months, that’s what.”

“That all you wanna kiss?”

Nick quieted him by pressing their lips together, gentle at first, like the few times they’d felt allowed during visits, and then firmer, like he’d really wanted to every one of those times. Charlie made a soft sound and kissed back, hands tightening in the back of Nick’s coat as if they could get any closer.

He sighed when Nick pulled away, lashes still fluttering. “I might've missed those too.”

Nick grinned and kissed him again. It was better than saying he’d missed it, too. He missed the warmth of Charlie against him, the curve of Charlie’s lips against his own, the softness of Charlie’s dark curls as he buried his fingers in them, the change in angle that came when Charlie inevitably pressed up onto his toes in an attempt to get impossibly closer, always closer—

“Oh, good, you’re here. For once, I have use for you.”

Charlie yelped as he pulled back from Nick, the two of them almost bumping heads in their surprise. Nick steadied himself as Charlie spun around to reprimand the culprit.

“Tori.”

Nick released a breath and tugged Charlie backwards into his arms as Tori raised a brow at them, entirely unrepentant for her less-than-affectionate greeting. Nick smiled at her and raised a brow right back.

Tori rolled her eyes, but pointedly informed Charlie, “Dad forgot to bring the boxes down from the attic so we can actually decorate like they told us we could. You know Oliver will throw a fit if he has to wait any longer, and none of us have the upper body strength to manage it.”

Charlie slipped out of Nick’s hold and turned around. His eyes drifted to Nick’s shoulders, and down over the slope of his bicep.

Nick nudged him. “Oi. You were meant to be sticking up for me a minute ago.”

“Yes, and that still stands,” Charlie insisted. “But, you know…you do have the upper body strength.” He continued to examine Nick appreciatively, likely thinking he was being sly about it and failing entirely.

Tori simply kept her eyebrows raised at him, expectant.

Nick shrugged off his coat with a sigh. Charlie hung it for him as he adjusted the zip-up he wore underneath and said, “Attic, then?”

He lugged everything Charlie and Tori requested down the stairs and to the sitting room, where Oliver waited to begin tearing boxes open the instant they were left on the floor, looking adorable in his Christmas jumper. Nick shrugged off his hoodie somewhere amidst the work, both to stop himself getting too sweaty and to watch Charlie watch him a little more closely.

Having Charlie home was something neither of the other Spring children or Nick was taking for granted, and despite the dark curtain that still hung around them all, Nick could see how the space was brighter with Charlie in it. The holiday season hadn’t felt like much to celebrate just a week ago, but as Oliver bounced around his big brother with excitement and Tori teased both her siblings and Charlie offered Nick his gleaming, dimpled smile, Nick felt like he’d already received his best gift and fireworks were ready to fly all on their own.

“Have I mentioned you look adorable?” Nick asked Charlie, while they were wrist deep in a box of decorations and Tori was busy with Oliver by the tree. Charlie looked perfectly ready to cuddle in his own Christmas jumper and a pair of pyjama pants. “I missed the memo on the Christmas jumper thing.”

Charlie’s cheeks were rosy, but at that he rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, so did Tori.”

Nick glanced around at the elder Spring and squinted. “Yeah, well. I sincerely doubt she owns one.”

“Do you?”

“Obviously.” Nick shot his boyfriend an incredulous look. “What do you take me for? Have you even met Mum?”

Charlie snorted, but acquiesced Nick’s excellent point. He swayed up onto his toes to plant a kiss on Nick’s cheek and dropped the lights he’d been pretending to untangle. “Wait here.”

Nick narrowed his eyes, but did as he was told, despite the sharp look Tori shot between them as Charlie slipped out. But in a moment, Charlie was back, ambling his way over to Nick with his hands behind his back and a mischievous smile on his face.

“What?” Nick demanded, trying to use his height to his advantage and peek over Charlie’s shoulder, only for Charlie to follow his weight and lean back.

Charlie made a scolding noise. “Close your eyes.”

It was probably testament to how enamored Nick was that he did so without question, accepting his fate, whatever it may be, if it was going to please Charlie. He felt a light weight on his head, pressing behind his ears, and then Charlie’s fingers in his hair, gently adjusting it around the new accessory.

“Okay,” Charlie said cheerfully. “Now you look the part.”

Nick blinked his eyes open to Charlie’s bright smile and reached a hand up to feel over the felt antlers on the headband. “Where did you even get this?”

“Mum always has them for when everyone comes over for Christmas.”

“Does that mean you could be wearing one?”

“I already have the jumper.”

“So?”

Tori snapped her fingers twice to grab their attention. “Hey. Less flirting, more decorating.”

“Aren’t you going to admire my antlers?” Nick asked.

“I admire how you can look like even more of a pushover than usual,” Tori said, which Nick supposed he deserved. Charlie’s rosy cheeks and easy grin sucked all the sting from it, anyway.

They were almost done with the tree, with Nick and Charlie still doing more flirting than decorating, just able to get away with it as Tori had her hands full with Oliver. Literally.

Charlie snuck a kiss with Nick as Tori lifted Oliver up, the younger with a shiny star in his grasp. Nick made a joke that had Charlie giggling just before they heard a frustrated groan.

“I still can’t reach,” Oliver complained, stretched up towards the top of the tree with a hand plunked on an annoyed Tori’s head. “This is why Charlie always does it!”

Charlie’s expression dropped. Nick watched him as Tori did her best not to grow stormy and tried to find a way to tell Oliver no without making him or Charlie feel worse.

Oliver, however, made the rescue all on his own. “But this time Nick can do it! Nick’s the best at carrying me because he’s really strong and really tall and then I’m even higher.”

Instantly, Tori rolled her eyes and Charlie’s expression melted. His gaze shifted to Nick as Nick blushed, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck.

“Oh, Nick’s the best, is he?” Charlie teased Oliver, crossing his arms over his chest in mock jealousy.

Oliver didn’t let it faze him, crossing his arms over his own chest as Tori set him back on his feet. “Yeah! You and him are both best at carrying me, but Nick can carry you too, so he’s the best best.”

Charlie blushed alongside Nick this time, running his eyes over him again before relinquishing with a shrug. His smile was unbearably soft and achingly familiar as he directed it up at Nick; Nick couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen one like it. “Can’t argue with you there, Olly.”

Tori gagged, and Charlie flipped her off. Nick covered Oliver’s eyes, which made Oliver giggle, which made Charlie grin, which made Nick melt, and so on.

“Alright, Olly, let’s show them how it’s done,” Nick urged, beckoning the youngest Spring over. Oliver clutched the star in his hands and picked his way across the floor to Nick, who hoisted him up with ease. Oliver grinned as Nick balanced him by his shoulder, then leaned over to get his ornament in its pride of place.

Charlie cheered as Oliver beamed down at them. He gave Nick’s head a congratulatory pat. “There! Thanks, Nick.”

Nick huffed a laugh and brought Oliver down to a more comfortable position. “You’re welcome, buddy.”

Tori mouthed ‘pushover’ at him. Nick stuck his tongue out in return.

It didn’t matter what anyone else thought, when Charlie’s shining eyes were on him.

Charlie wound his arms around Nick as soon as he was free, Oliver back on the floor and prepared to bug his sister some more. Nick wrapped him up reflexively, then took a second to be grateful he could, that Charlie was already close enough for him.

“Thank you,” Charlie murmured, familiar love pouring from his gaze.

Nick smiled down at him. “Olly’s really not that heavy.”

Charlie shook his head, gripping Nick’s shoulders a little more tightly. “Not for this. For everything else.”

“You don’t have to—”

“I do,” Charlie insisted. “I do. So you have to let me. You deserve it.”

Nick didn’t say he already had more than he deserved right here, within his grasp, even though he knew it would make Charlie blush and complain and likely kiss him. Instead, he kissed Charlie himself, pouring the words into it alongside more he’d never figure out how to say.

“I’m really happy you’re home,” Nick settled on, pressing the words to Charlie’s lips as Charlie pressed a hand to Nick’s heart.

Charlie smiled, tucking his head briefly into Nick’s shoulder. “Me too.”

~^~

By the time it was a new year, Nick had spent enough time with Charlie to almost forget they’d been separated for so long. He’d never forget why, or what it felt like, and they would never get that time back, but Nick wouldn’t ask for it.

Instead, he’d bask in the days like this.

He felt like a newborn fawn as he stumbled onto the ice rink. He wasn’t sure why he thought his rugby skills would help him, but he’d simply hoped natural athleticism would get him through. He realised he’d terribly misjudged as Charlie did an easy lap and Tara and Darcy showed them all up, chasing each other across the ice with tricks and flicks Nick wouldn’t even attempt for fear of breaking his neck. It made him feel a little better when Darcy slid and landed right on her arse, bursting into laughter in the same instant, as a laughing Tara came to her aid.

It also helped that Tao was doing as badly as Nick, if not worse, clutching one of the penguin-shaped aids clearly meant for kids like a lifeline as he hunch-shuffled his way around the rink. Elle wasn’t far from him, not as sure either but joyfully taking her time along with Aled and Sahar, all of them, like Nick, simply glad to be here with the others. Heart warm despite the chill.

As Nick nearly collapsed for the third time in not as many minutes, he was prepared to leave regardless.

But then Charlie was there, skating smoothly into Nick’s path with a soft laugh and catching Nick by the hand.

“You okay?” Charlie asked, with laughter in his voice and his perfect smile brighter than the sun glinting off the ice, and how could Nick be anything else?

Then Nick wobbled again. He clutched Charlie with both hands. “I’m going to die.”

“Don’t be such a drama queen,” Charlie snorted. “D’you want to hold onto me?”

Nick quickly shook his head as Charlie did a swift sweep forward, tugging Nick along, and Nick’s feet almost forgot to follow. He fisted a hand in Charlie’s coat, at his shoulder, and held Charlie’s hand so tightly he worried he’d crush it.

But Charlie only laughed and pressed closer to Nick’s side, squeezing Nick’s hand gently. “It’s okay. We’ll just go slow.”

Charlie kept his promise, guiding Nick slowly along the ice, never breaking their connection for even a second, amused the whole while. Nick decided he no longer cared about how ridiculous he looked, as long as he got to hold Charlie’s hand and have Charlie smile at him like that.

He dug his feet into the ice and tugged Charlie’s hand. “Char, Char, wait.”

Charlie stopped instantly, sliding around to face Nick with a chuckle. “It’s fine, you’re doing well.”

Nick ignored the obvious lie and found enough balance to reach up and cup Charlie’s cheeks. Charlie’s smile shrunk into something softer and curious as he gazed up at Nick. It reminded Nick of the night before; the first time in a long time that Charlie had been around a big group, even his friends, like this, and how he’d looked up at Nick with pure joy in his eyes anyway, drawing their lips together as fireworks flew above.

Nick recreated the moment now, pressing his lips to Charlie’s with all the softness he could muster. “I love you,” he said then, because he could, and it was true, and he could never say it enough.

Charlie, face red from the icy weather or Nick’s warm hands on his cheeks, smiled and responded, “I love you, too.”

Nick pressed their foreheads together, stroking his thumbs over Charlie’s cheekbones and watching the red spots there darken. “It’s a really happy new year if I'm going to get to spend it with you.”

Charlie’s smile widened. He gave Nick another kiss. “This one,” he agreed, against Nick’s lips, “and many more after, if you’d like.”

Nick couldn’t think of anything he’d love more.