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Sometimes, Tom feels like mere ghost of the man he used to be.
It’s never the things he sees in the mirror that get to him. He’s stopped bleaching his tips like he did when he was young, and more fine lines have appeared on his face- neither of those things bother him very much. He’s gotten older, it’s only inevitable.
Getting weaker wasn’t something that came from aging, though.
He can’t see it when he looks in the mirror, but he notices it everyday. Slowly but surely, his life has managed to slip out of his grasp. Everyday jets fly overhead- while he’s left exhausted by the paperwork he’s given to do. He can’t keep up with Bradley, either- He trails behind the teen as he runs up the stairs. He apologizes profusely when he’s too tired to practice baseball with him. Which, lately, is every time Bradley asks.
He can’t even try to pretend it’s just because he’s gotten older.
Because he’s fallen behind Pete, too.
While Pete is still soaring in the clouds, Tom has resigned himself to stay on the ground, watching him flying overhead. Pete is no less energetic- and chaotic- than he was when they met. And Tom has lost his spark.
He hasn’t just fallen behind- he’s slowing Pete down.
Their morning runs together have turned into walks- Tom gets out of breath too easily to run anymore, and Pete argues with him every time he tells him he should just run ahead. The other man has to take time out of his day to drive Tom to treatments- all the while insisting he doesn’t mind, that he would never be bothered by it.
Even the simple things, he messes up. Dancing together in the kitchen isn’t dancing together anymore. Pete dances, while Tom stumbles and trips over his own feet in a crude attempt to keep up. Pete doesn’t even complain.
Sometimes, he wishes he would.
Because Pete doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve him. He loves the man with his whole heart, he really does. He just wants what’s best for him.
And he knows that he isn’t what’s best for Pete.
He decides to tell him such, one night, while they lay on the couch together watching some mediocre TV.
“You could find someone better than me,” He mutters against his love’s chest. The hand that had been running through his hair stops.
”… What?”
He sits up slightly. “You’re so- incredible. You don’t have to settle for me, Pete.”
Silently, Pete grabbed the remote and paused the show, before gently grabbing Tom by the chin and tilting his head to face him. He glances away, unable to face the man. “Why would I want anyone else, dear?”
He sighed, more shaky than he wanted. “… Because I’m not good for you.”
He didn’t have to look at his face, Pete’s silence told him everything. He blinked back the tears gathering in his eyes. This hurt, but it was what Pete needed. He had to know he didn’t have to keep Tom around out of pity.
“… What do you mean..?” The other man said at last, running a hand up and down his back. Tom frowned. How could he not see it?
”I- I’m just a burden to you, Pete. I’m keeping you from living your life. You’re too busy slowing down for me. I don’t want that for you. You- you don’t deserve it.”
Pete is silent again. Tom spares a glance at him- to find the man staring at him, eyes shiny.
”Tom…” He mutters, wrapping his arms around him. “How could I ever give you up?”
He looks away again. “You could find someone so much better. Someone who- who wouldn’t weigh you down like I do.”
”But you don’t-“
”Yes I do!” He cried, tears that had been gathering in his eyes now trickling down his cheeks. He buried his face into Pete’s chest. “Yes I do…” He whispered.
Pete hugs him a little tighter, leaning his forehead against his. He hears the man sniffle quietly. “But I don't want someone else. I want you, Tom.”
“I’m not the man you fell in love with, Pete. I’m not the man you had.”
”That doesn’t matter!” He cried, voice cracking. “You might not be the same as you were, but you’re still the man I love.”
He choked back a sob. “Pete, I-“
”No! No, you- shut up! Stop- stop saying bullshit! There’s-“ He leaned down, burying his face into Tom’s hair. “There’s nothing you could ever do, nothing that could ever happen to you, that would make me stop loving you. You hear me?”
Tom didn’t reply, doesn’t even look up. He can feel the fabric of Pete’s shirt turning damp with his tears, and he feels vaguely guilty- but he can also feel his own hair becoming damp too.
“I love you, Tom. So much. And- and I don’t know what I have to do to convince you of that-“ He took a shaky breath. “But whatever it is, I’ll do it. I would, a thousand times over…”
Tom sobs again, before looking up. Pete’s eyes are red, cheeks damp. “I- I’m so- so sorry…” he stutters.
Pete hugs him tightly, and he rests his head in the crook of his neck. “Don’t be… Don’t be…”
He hiccups. “I- I don’t know why I wanted- I don’t- I’m sorry-“
Pete shushed him softly, raising a hand to cradle the back of Tom’s head. “It’s ok… You’re ok… We’re ok.”
He sniffles softly, letting himself be held by the love of his life for who knows how long. Maybe some other day, he’ll let his doubt get the better of him again. But for now, he lets himself believe Pete.
He can believe that he’s enough for today.