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This whole thing should’ve been easier. It should’ve been instinct to yank Cas into his arms, shake him senseless and maybe push him away for doing such a dumbass thing like gambling his life like that, and then tug Cas back into his arms and kiss him stupid.
That’s how it should’ve gone.
But when they finally rescued Cas from the Empty, when Cas was standing back in the Bunker, chunks of inky blackness chipping off of him and pooling on the ground around him in large clumps, Dean just stood there, shaking, caught between vibrating relief and shuddering anger.
He wanted to slam Cas against the wall; caught between the urge to pick a fight with fists or to crash their lips together instead.
Words got caught in his throat. Dean wanted to scream and yell, threaten Cas for leaving him the way he did. For the words that Cas left hanging between them. He wanted to grab Cas, hands cradling the back of Cas’ neck as he made the confession a two-way street.
But none of those things happened.
Instead, Dean got up into Cas’ space, pointing his finger accusingly in Cas’ face as he snarled, “Don’t ever do that again.”
And, just like that, the moment was over as Dean turned and stormed away.
~
Dean thought the seven months without Cas were shitty, but these last few months now that Cas was home were a different kind of pain. At this point, Dean wasn’t sure if it was him avoiding Cas or Cas avoiding him.
The forced conversation. The averted eyes. The stilted attempts to avoid running into each other. It was a slow torturous agony.
Dean hated it. Hated Cas and hated himself.
But he hated the space between them the most. Because it felt like they were never going to be deanandcas again.
The silence stretched between them. Hours turned into days into weeks and bled into months. And Dean ached. Ached for his best friend, even though he was right there .
August shifted into September without a stir. September into October and Halloween occurred without any affair. November gave way to December.
And that’s when Sam came bounding into Dean’s room, with far too much excitement and happiness, and it made Dean’s stomach lurch.
“Christmas, Dean. We’re going to celebrate Christmas this year. The whole family. Bobby, Charlie, Jody, Donna, and the girls. Jack’s even gonna join us- Cas convinced him.”
“Oh, did he now?” Dean said, the words coming out like a growl.
The sound that left Sam’s mouth was caught somewhere between a sigh, a frustrated huff, and something else almost mischievous. “Christmas is happening, Dean. And by the end of it, you and Cas will be deanandcas again. Mark my words. It’ll be a Christmas miracle.”
Dean grabbed the nearest thing he could reach, which was only a pillow, and he hurled it at his meddling brother's head.
Great. Just what they needed. A giant Sasquatch forcing the Christmas spirit to “magically” solve the tension between him and Cas. Perfect .
~
As it turned out, Sam’s version of a Christmas miracle was mistletoe.
Piles and piles of mistletoe.
Hanging from every doorway, wait, scratch that, hanging from every available surface of the Bunker. Dean had witnessed Sam catching Eileen under it a whopping 15 times already, and it had only been in the Bunker for less than a day.
Maybe it was just an excuse for Sam to kiss Eileen at every chance he got.
But Dean very quickly realized who the intended target was. And he’d just fallen trap to it, walking through the doorway into the kitchen just as Cas was leaving.
“Looky what we have here,” Sam taunted, motioning to the mistletoe above the doorway. “You two have to kiss now.”
“It’s tradition,” Eileen piped up, grinning from her place next to Sam at the kitchen table. “Couldn’t mess with the ritual behind that, could we? Might cause unnecessary ramifications, and I don’t feel like hunting any monsters during Christmas,” Eileen said, eyes darting between Dean and Cas with a sneaky glint to her gaze.
Goddammit. Sam completely had her in on this little plan of his. Now Dean was going to hunt them both down and feed them to the nearest vamps nest for this.
When he finally shifted his dagger-like gaze away from his traitorous brother over to Cas, he felt the air lurch out of his lungs like a punch to the gut.
Cas had this look in his eyes, caught somewhere between wistful and angry; yearning and threatening. It drew Dean in like a magnet, pulling him closer on instinct.
Something deep in Dean’s chest ached, open and raw and bleeding. Whatever that feeling was, it must’ve been written on his face, because Cas swooped in with angel-speed, grazed his lips against Dean’s for a fraction of a second, and then marched off before Dean could even blink.
The realization hit him as the last glimpse of the trenchcoat disappeared around the corner seconds later. Cas just kissed him. Kissed him and walked away, as if it meant nothing at all.
~
The next time it happened, it was the doorway into the War Room. Eileen was sitting at the table by herself, with a spread of books that she and Cas had obviously been looking at together before Dean had walked in and interrupted their moment.
“We have to stop meeting like this,” Dean teased, the joke falling from his lips on impulse. The way he used to tease Cas before. Like nothing had changed.
For a brief moment, there was a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of Cas’ lips. As if he’d forgotten that they weren’t on speaking terms; like there wasn’t a chasm cracking wide open between them.
That little smile was enough. It gave Dean a dash of hope. Maybe they could fix this. Maybe they weren’t too broken.
He could do it. Right now. Close the gap between them, and kiss Cas like he should’ve done the second he’d rescued Cas and brought him home. And if it went South, then he could blame it on the mistletoe. No harm, no foul, right?
But that would mean crossing the bridge before they’d mended it. There was no stability, and the thinly layered stones would crumble beneath their feet; sending them into icy waters once again. And Cas deserved better… he deserved more.
“Dean,” Cas said, quiet and slow.
His name. The first time Dean had heard Cas say his name since they’d broken out of the Empty together. Dean felt the sudden yearning strike. A need to hear his name on Cas’ lips like that again; not with anger or betrayal, but a hint of tenderness seeping into the once reverent way Cas used to say his name.
Leaning down, Dean pressed a feather-light kiss to Cas’ cheek. A chaste touch; there and then gone. It wasn’t enough, but it was a start.
Shifting out of Cas’ space, Dean moved into the War Room, grabbing the stack of candy he was supposed to be bringing to the movie that the girls and Jack were watching.
From the corner of his eye, Dean could’ve sworn he saw Cas’ arm move, his fingertips grazing over the spot on his cheek where Dean had kissed him. But by the time Dean actually looked over towards the doorway once his candy stack was stable, Cas was gone.
~
Dean was starting to feel like he was seeing mistletoe everywhere he looked. But it was the glimpses of Cas that really had Dean doing double-takes. The way he could just see the trenchcoat fluttering around a corner or the flicker of bright blue eyes connecting with his own across the room before darting away. It was occurring more often, as if Cas was letting Dean see him for the first time in months.
And if it was just that, it would’ve been enough. Really.
But… the mistletoe was increasing in numbers.
And the kisses shouldn’t mean anything. They didn’t. They really didn’t. Or, maybe they did.
No.
Dean couldn’t go down that road.
Because that would mean words would need to be spoken. Out loud. And he couldn’t… didn’t know how.
The kisses didn’t mean anything. They were just mistletoe kisses. Not going down the road of something more.
Speaking of roads.
There was a new filter that he needed to switch out in the Impala, and at least that was something he could do to keep his mind off of mistletoe and kisses and a certain angel. Making his way out to the garage, he wasn’t expecting to run into anyone. Or to find a clump of mistletoe hanging in the doorway leading into the garage.
Yet, here Dean was, in the doorway, his hip bumping against Cas’ as the angel made his way back into the Bunker. They both stopped. Two sets of eyes flickering up at the same time and then dropping down to each other again.
“I thought you said we had to stop meeting like this,” Cas said, darting his gaze back up to the mistletoe before landing on Dean again.
It was the longest sentence Cas had said to him in months.
Dean swallowed thickly, his eyes locking on the smudge of dirt on the collar of the trenchcoat. “I’m starting to think you’re enjoying catching me under the mistletoe,” Dean said, nudging his shoe against Cas’ in a gentle bump.
Cas shuffled slightly, and Dean winced. Dammit. Wrong thing to say. This thing between them, whatever it was, was too fragile to be throwing grenades like that. He wanted to take it back, to reach out and snatch the words lingering in the air and hide them back behind his ribs.
“Maybe you’re the one hanging the mistletoe waiting for me,” Cas replied. They both knew that wasn’t true; both knew it was Sam and Eileen with the stash of mistletoe.
But before Dean could point that fact out, Cas was leaning in, his lips grazing over Dean’s jaw.
The kiss was subtle, just a hint of plush lips against stubble, but the warm tingling sensation lingered as Cas pulled away. There was a ghost of a smile on Cas’ lips as he turned and walked away, leaving Dean standing under the mistletoe; fingers reaching up to touch where Cas’ lips had left an impression against his skin.
~
“Oh, hey,” Dean said, catching sight of Cas walking down the corridor in the opposite direction from the Dean-cave.
Cas turned around at the sound of his voice, his steps slowing down as he raised an eyebrow at Dean.
“I was just, uh-” Dean started, pointing towards the room with his thumb. “Just about to watch a movie. Jody and Donna were gonna join in a few. Just thought you might wanna, you know…” he trailed off, realizing he didn’t know how to finish that sentence.
Before, it wouldn’t even be a question. Dean would just bump his hip against Cas’ and flash him a smile, nodding his head in the general direction of the Dean-cave. Cas always knew what Dean was offering, and he’d smile back, and they’d move that way together, without having to say a word.
But now, when he actually needed to say the words, he didn’t know how.
Down the hallway, Cas was almost frozen in place, his body half tilted towards Dean as if he wasn’t sure he wanted to move closer or to bolt the other way. The angel’s eyes darted towards the room where they’d watched movies together a hundred times, before moving back to look at Dean.
“I’d like that,” Cas finally said, the hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
The air trapped in Dean’s lungs suddenly rushed out past his lips, and he sighed in relief. “Great, yeah, awesome,” he said, motioning for Cas to follow him.
But of course, as luck would have it, they both managed to walk into the room at the same time. Under the doorway. Where a collection of mistletoe hung just above their heads. Mistletoe that hadn’t been there 5 minutes ago when Dean had set the movie up before going to pop some popcorn.
Their eyes locked almost immediately, and Dean let out a huff of air that turned into a laugh. “Let me guess, there’s mistletoe above us, isn’t there?”
Cas pretended to wince, looking up in a deliberately slow motion before tilting his head in that way that made Dean’s stomach twist in knots. “It appears so,” Cas said, and god dammit, was that a hint of playfulness in his voice? Or was Dean just imagining it?
“I think it was my turn to kiss you, if I’m not mistaken?” Dean asked, before realizing that yes, he’d just admitted he was keeping score. That Cas had kissed him first, then he’d kissed Cas, and the last time Cas had kissed him.
Cas nodded, his eyes darting down to gaze at Dean’s lips before quickly looking away.
From this angle, standing almost side by side, Dean could see the curve of Cas’ hair moving around his ear, and the sudden urge welled up in his chest. Without stopping to think, Dean quickly moved to press his lips to that spot behind Cas’ ear, just below a curl of hair. He lingered there for a beat, savoring the way he could almost feel the tremor that made its way down Cas’ spine.
He only pulled away when he heard Jody and Donna’s footsteps down the hall.
Cas quickly moved to his old seat, and once again Dean found himself left standing under the mistletoe, repeating to himself like a mantra that these kisses didn’t mean anything.
~
The knock at his door broke Dean’s concentration, and he looked up from the mini vending machine he was building for Jack as a gift. Why he thought ordering this would be a good idea, he had no idea. It was like a piece of ikea furniture, with far too many instructions that were too vague in Dean’s opinion.
Maybe a break from the infernal contraption would keep Dean from throwing it at the wall and buying Jack 20 boxes of nougat instead.
When his eyes locked with Cas’, he froze. “Hey,” he said, gaze suddenly glued to the way Cas’ throat worked as the angel swallowed.
Cas offered him a small smile, motioning with his head back down the hall towards the main area of the Bunker. “Charlie’s looking for you. Something about Claire and Jody in the kitchen and that you were needed.”
Dean grinned, remembering the pie challenge that Jody and Claire had suggested that morning.
Pushing away from the desk, Dean grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair and he draped it over the vending machine, hiding it from view in case Jack came peeking. “Gotta pie-crown to defend,” Dean said in answer to Cas as he moved towards the door.
But, instead of moving out of the way so that Dean could get through, Cas was rooted to the spot in the doorway.
“Earth to Angel,” Dean teased, bumping against Cas with his shoulder. “You gonna let me leave or am I going to have to push you into the kitchen with me?”
But Cas’ eyes weren’t on Dean. They were looking up.
Frowning, Dean cast his eyes up, too.
Dammit.
“I didn’t! That wasn’t… I didn’t put that there,” Dean quickly defended as he looked at the mistletoe, down to Cas, and then back up to the plant. Dean was going to kill Sam. Absolutely kill him.
“If you wanted to kiss me, Dean, all you had to do was ask,” Cas said, a lilt to his tone that took Dean one second, two seconds, three to catch.
Cas was… was Cas actually teasing him right now?
“Told you I didn’t put it there,” he muttered, even as he caught sight of that half-smile on Cas’ lips that clearly said Cas was enjoying himself far too much. “Besides, it’s you who owes me a kiss this time, so how do I know you didn’t put it there as an excuse to kiss me.”
“You caught me,” Cas said, putting his hands up in defeat even as rolled his eyes playfully.
“Yeah, well,” Dean huffed. “It is your turn, so pay up.”
Cas smiled, this time genuine, and Dean could’ve sworn his heart stopped for a second before kicking back into gear at full speed.
“As you wish,” Cas replied, closing the gap as he pressed his lips against the crinkles next to Dean’s right eye. If Dean thought his heart was beating fast before, it suddenly felt like it was racing a marathon at the tenderness of the kiss.
It was… intimate. Soft. Almost reverent. Cas pulled back a few seconds later, but Dean could’ve sworn it felt like Cas’ lips were still there, kissing along the wrinkles and up across his temple.
Without a word, Cas moved out of the doorway and started to walk towards the kitchen.
“Are you coming?” Cas called over his shoulder.
“Yeah,” Dean said, voice thick and rough, and he cleared his throat. “Yeah,” he said again, but even as he followed Cas to the kitchen, Dean couldn’t shake that warm feeling that was still lingering on his skin.
~
Christmas Eve had crept up quicker than Dean expected. But maybe that was because his mind had been a little preoccupied lately. He’d spent the last two days avoiding Cas. Not because he didn’t want to see him, but because an idea had been forming in the back of his mind. The idea to take matters into his own hands.
After that last kiss, standing in the doorway to his bedroom, it was as if Cas had spelled it out for Dean in big bold letters across his door.
It was right there. And now they were… it felt like that bridge had been crossed. They were talking again. Seeking each other out and interacting like they used to. They were deanandcas again.
Except, there was something else. Something written in-between the words. Dean had felt it, maybe since Cas had kissed his jaw. Or maybe it was when he’d kissed Cas on the cheek. But it was there, and Dean had to do something about it.
It had to be him.
It should’ve been him all those months ago, when Cas was shedding clumps of darkness to reveal angelic light standing in the Bunker again. It should’ve been him who closed the gap, who said the words back to Cas with actions instead of verbally. He hadn’t then. But he needed to now.
Finding Sam’s stash of mistletoe had been easy. Honestly, the sock drawer, Sammy? How cliche.
Sliding the plant into his pocket had been a little more challenging, mostly because it left an obvious clue he was carrying something in his pocket.
But the most difficult part was closing those last few steps. Dean found himself lingering in one of the archways to the library, watching Cas read as if it were the most riveting thing he’d ever seen. And maybe it was; because Cas was here, and it was Christmas, and they were deanandcas again.
Taking those last steps felt like torture, but not the bad kind. The kind of sweet torture that Dean knew meant he was making the right choice. The choice he should’ve made months ago.
Approaching Cas from behind, he peered over the angel’s shoulder to see the book splayed out on the table.
“Whatcha reading?” he asked, sliding his hands into his pockets, fingers grazing over the leaves of the plant.
Cas darted his gaze from the page, offering Dean a smile. “It’s about Christmas traditions. Jack said it was important that I read it. Didn’t have the heart to tell him I already knew it all, so I took the book and promised to read it anyway,” Cas said.
Yep. That was Cas all over. Ready to do anything just because it meant something to someone he cared about.
“Well, I-uh, needed to borrow you for something,” Dean said, inching the mistletoe out of his pocket and keeping it hidden in his hand.
Cas grinned, closing the book with far more care than anyone ought to. “As long as it isn’t more wrapping. Charlie and Kaia had me helping them wrap all morning.”
Dean laughed, but he shook his head. Moving his hand, he held the mistletoe above Cas’ head and then gently nudged Cas’ shoulder with his other hand. “Look up.”
Tipping his head back, Cas looked up, his eyes latching onto the mistletoe that Dean held over his head. He quickly looked at Dean, then at the mistletoe; a dawning realization washing over his face.
“Last time, you said if I wanted, all I had to do was ask,” Dean said, swallowing thickly as the words swelled up in his throat. “This is me asking.”
Now it was Cas’ turn to swallow, and Dean watched the movement of Cas’ throat as Cas kept his head tilted back, eyes never leaving the mistletoe wrapped between Dean’s fingers.
“Asking for what, Dean?” Cas whispered.
Here it was. Now or never. No going back. Time to right his wrong and do what should’ve been done from the moment he’d rescued Cas from the Empty.
“To kiss you,” Dean said, the words rushing out in a breath that tasted like relief.
When Cas moved, pushing back from the chair, it was with purpose. Reaching out, Cas’ fingers wrapped around Dean’s wrist, keeping the mistletoe above their heads as he leaned in closer into Dean’s space.
“I thought you’d never ask,” Cas breathed out, and Dean lurched forwards, using his free hand to grab hold of Cas’ trenchcoat as he pulled Cas closer until their lips finally met.
This kiss wasn’t anything like their first.
While Cas’ lips had barely grazed against Dean’s for a fraction of a second the first time they’d been under the mistletoe together, this time it was like neither of them were in a rush to let go.
Cas immediately melted into the kiss, and Dean dropped his hand until he was wrapping his arm around Cas’ shoulders. Slotting their lips together was easy. It was the easiest thing Dean had ever done in his entire life.
A stuttered sigh escaped between their mouths as Dean traced over the shape of Cas’ lips with his own, and Dean couldn’t give a damn if it was him or Cas making the sound, because right now all he could focus on was the way Cas’ lower lip felt caught between his own.
They broke apart with a gasp, and Dean quickly dove in again, chasing Cas’ mouth at the same time as he marginally tilted his head. Their mouths met perfectly, both of their lips parted just enough that they were pressed flush against each other. Dean held the kiss, keeping their mouths locked together like it was a lifeline.
Cas pulled back a fraction, before his lips caught against Dean’s lower lip, and Dean felt a shiver dash down his spine. A hand was suddenly cupping his cheek, and Cas leaned in again and again, repeating that same motion as their lips met in the middle with a fervor that had Dean feeling weak in the knees.
Then it was Cas tilting Dean’s head, with his hand still on Dean’s cheek and the other brushing against Dean’s jaw, and a soft graze of tongue darted out across Dean’s lip. Dean felt his knees wobble as a shuddering breath slipped from his mouth and melded into Cas’.
Gripping hold of the trenchcoat tighter, Dean chased that teasing touch of tongue with his own, lightly tracing over Cas’ lower lip before pulling away.
Now it was Cas who was letting out the softest groan between their mouths, diving in deeper to chase the taste of Dean. It was just a fleeting touch of Cas’ tongue against his own, enough to leave Dean breathless, before Cas broke the kiss.
Dean leaned in again, lips gliding together as he slowed the kisses down. And Cas seemed to like that even more; lingering on each brush as they traded touches back and forth.
Easing back slowly, Dean alternated between open mouthed brushes and catching Cas’ parted lips with his own. The kisses were slow and languid, as if there was no rush in the world.
And God, Dean loved it. The way he could feel the tremble in Cas’ body as he captured the angel’s lower lip and tugged on it softly. Or the way he felt like he was half absorbing and half swallowing the little gasps and shaky breaths that Cas kept making. If he’d known kissing Cas was going to feel this good, he would’ve pressed the angel against the wall and kissed him senseless from the second he’d gotten Cas back from the Empty.
Closing the gap again, Dean pressed their mouths together, and he shuddered as he felt how warm Cas’ lower lip was. Nudging back slightly, he caught sight of Cas’ kiss swollen lips and everything in his brain went blank. He’d done that. He’d just kissed Cas so much that the angel’s lips were red and glistening.
Peppering quick pecks to the corner of Cas’ mouth, Dean leaned in for one last lingering kiss. Cas huffed out a breath through his nose, the air cascading over Dean’s cheek, and Dean slowly eased back until their mouths were just barely ghosting against each other.
Adjusting his arm, Dean moved to tilt Cas’ head until their foreheads were pressed together. Cas let out a little hum, slightly moving so he could press a quick kiss to Dean’s cheekbone.
“That was-” Cas started to say.
“Long overdue,” Dean murmured, unable to stop himself from nudging Cas’ nose with his own before he inched his way back to Cas’ mouth.
He couldn’t stop. Now that he’d had a taste, had felt the shape of Cas’ mouth against his own, he just couldn’t get enough.
It was as if they were making up for lost time, lips moving against each other again, this time more hurried as Dean nudged Cas back against the table so he could use the leverage to press more hungrily into Cas’ mouth.
“We should…” Cas said against Dean’s lips before he pushed forward to kiss Dean again, letting out a groan.
“Yeah,” Dean hummed, licking along the seam of Cas’ lips before teasing his mouth open so he could initiate those open mouthed brushes again that had them both breathless.
At some point, Cas’ hand had shifted from Dean’s shoulder and had slipped down into the back pocket of the hunter’s jeans, and if that move wasn’t enough to have Dean seeing stars, then Cas’ tongue in his mouth was about to make him go supernova.
Just as Dean wrapped his tongue around Cas’, a slow clap behind them made Dean break the kiss with a gasp.
“About damn time,” Sam said from the doorway, a massive grin on his face.
“Oh, don’t stop on our account,” Eileen teased. “We were enjoying the show.”
Dean felt his face flush, and he glared at Sam and his meddling girlfriend. He was sure his rumpled appearance was severely dampening the threat, but he shot daggers at them anyway. “Yes, yes, your plan worked. We get it. Unless you want to watch me push Cas up onto the table, I suggest you get out,” Dean said, making his point by nudging Cas backwards until his thigh slipped between Cas’ legs.
Cas’ mouth parted again, this time with a breathy gasp, and Dean leaned back in to feel that gasp against his lips. He didn’t have time to look back to see if Sam and Eileen had gotten the hint, other than the vague noise of Sam making a disgusted sound and the echo of retreating steps. But Dean couldn’t bring himself to care, because if he didn’t get his lips on Cas’ again in the next two seconds, Dean swore he might just cease to function.
Nudging Cas up onto the table, Dean stepped between Cas’ legs as he chased Cas’ mouth into another bruising kiss.
“You know they’re just-” Cas broke off, meeting Dean’s lips and sighing into the kiss. “-going to go tell everyone that we’re-” Cas stopped again as he lurched forward to find Dean’s mouth again. “-making out.”
“Don’t care,” Dean huffed, finding a very delectable angle that meant he could catch Cas’ lips fully between his own. “Shut up and kiss me.”
The moan that slipped between them was shared, and Dean drew Cas closer until it felt like they were melding together as one.
The mistletoe lay discarded on the ground, completely forgotten; dropped at some point when Dean slipped his fingers into Cas’ hair as they continued to kiss.