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Joel could see it, his hands were shaking and tears were leaking down his face. Etho sits in front of him, brows curved with sincerity and a hand outstretched like he wants to touch him but is unsure if he should.
“Joel…” Etho doesn’t know what to say, and good. He shouldn’t know what to say, better yet he shouldn’t say anything at all. Joel wants nothing more than to run away, he wants to grab his bag and just sprint as far as he can. His leg stings painfully and Joel was ready to just rip off his half-assed cast and scream.
“What’s wrong?” Etho asks softly.
“Nothing’s wrong! God, you’re so stupid!” Joel hisses, slapping Etho’s hand with all the force he could muster. His eyes stung as he glared at Etho. Joel swallowed his saliva and wiped his tears roughly. His hand hits his nose and Joel feels blood leak onto his lips. Etho looks at him with concern and Joel just hates everything.
“Joel, your nose—”
“Yeah, I know captain-obvious.” Joel rolls his eyes, his breath hitching as he tries to calm down. It doesn’t work, of course, it doesn’t work! Why would anything work, he’s so useless. He’s supposed to be strong, handsome, and good at everything.
But he was never going to be that, he was never good enough and never will be, so why does Etho always look at him like that? He looks at him like he cares and he doesn’t understand. He’s sitting here with a broken leg, blood dripping from his nose and tears running down his cheeks, he’s pathetic. He wouldn’t blame Etho if he left him to die, in fact, he’d encourage it at this point. He’d rather be dead than have his partner die because he’s weak and useless.
Etho stays still, hesitating before reaching into his backpack and pulling out what little toilet paper they had left. Etho holds it out to him without saying a word. Joel snatches it and glares at the ground. His lips are sealed as his raggedy breath pushes more blood from his nose. He wipes his face and stuffs the tissue into his nostril, “Shut up.” Joel mutters with his shaky breath.
“I didn’t say anything,” Etho mutters back, staring at Joel with the saddest gaze Joel has ever seen on the man.
“Now you have.” It’s their usual back-and-forth. Their constant bickering, but now it just feels wrong. Joel feels like he shouldn’t be here, and frankly, he doesn’t understand why Etho still is. Etho should’ve abandoned him already. He’d been useful and now he’s past his expiration date, he should’ve been thrown into that horde of zombies.
“Are you okay?” Etho asks softly, hands lying on his lap twitching. Joel rubs his palms into his eyes, head hitting the back of the shed.
Joel sighs, “Yeah. I’m just fine.” He bites his lip, heart aching with guilt, “You should go.” There he finally said it, because he’s right. Etho had no reason to stay, Joel was useless now; his leg was broken and he couldn’t run. If Etho keeps him around Joel will just be dead weight and they’ll both be dead in no time. Joel had always been a dead weight all along, Etho’s saved his life multiple times, and what has he done? Get bits of food? Run his mouth? Insult him? Been the worst, most egotistical travel companion ever?
“Go… do what?” Etho asks voice quiet like any louder would shatter him. To be fair it didn’t need to be any louder; it shattered him just fine.
“Go! Leave!” Joel hisses, voice drowning in his throat. God! Why did it have to be so hard to speak when upset, “There’s no reason for you to still be here!”
Etho looks hurt, and it’s more than enough to shut Joel up. He bites his lip and looks at the ground.
Etho doesn’t say anything, and neither does Joel. Joel peeks up at the other, curiosity getting the better of him. Etho’s brows are pressed together, eyes staring down at Joel’s boots; he’s contemplating. Joel’s seen this expression before. It’s the same one he wears when he’s struggling to figure out what to say. The one he wears before Joel pats his shoulder and tells him not to think too hard. He always sighs after those words, his muscles relax and his eyes curl; giving Joel what he can only guess is a grateful smile under his mask.
“Joel… why would I leave?”
What?
“Are you stupid? Why would you stay?” Joel’s voice cracks. Who knew he could get even more pathetic?
“Why wouldn’t I stay?” Etho asks, distressed, “Joel, if you want me to leave– I—”
That’s not what he meant! Joel lunges forward, attempting to get words out, “It doesn’t matter what I bloomy want! Do I have to spell it out for you!?”
“Yes!” Etho shouts, “I don’t get what you mean!”
Joel snaps, “You sadistic asshole.” Joel hisses, “Leave. Me. To. Die. I’m just going to slow you down, Etho, we both know that! We both know it!” Joel screams, “Etho, my leg’s broken and neither of us knows how to mend it. It hurts like hell, we both know I’m never going to walk again! If you take me with you I’m just a waste of resources, just leave me in this bloody shed and go.”
Joel runs out of breath, chest heaving. Etho’s eyes are blown wide and Joel tears his eyes away from him. Joel bites his lips as his own words sink in. Joel didn’t want to die, he really doesn’t want to die, but better him than both of them, right?
It’s been the two of them against the world for a long time now. They’d lost track of time but it had to be around a year now, right? Winter just ended, they had cheered together for surviving the harsh blizzards and months with just torn jackets and campfires. It was one of the few times Etho wasn’t trying to rile him up and he wasn’t trying to find some way to prove he was superior; instead, it was just excited smiles and warm hugs.
At the time both of them were happy like that, just the two of them. They didn’t speak a word about their past, who they lost, or where they were when the first outbreak occurred. At least, Joel thought they were happy; Joel was delighted that winter was over. He carried a deer carcass over his shoulder, walking back to their camp with a proud grin. Ready to gloat, Joel drops the carcass and searches for Etho.
Etho was sulking, and Joel made fun of him for it at first. But when Etho ignored him Joel knew something was up. That’s when it all spilled. It was the first time Joel had seen Etho cry; a single tear running down his cheek, lip trembling under his mask. Etho described a horrifying story, one where his friend was mauled right in front of him, they died; bloody and battered in the snow. Etho couldn’t do anything to stop it. Etho was one of the unlucky few that discovered the apocalypse firsthand instead of through the news. That week Etho didn’t say another word, instead sticking to sharpening his knives and searching for ammo. Joel did a lot of the work as Etho mourned; Joel could only guess it was the first time he processed those emotions since the incident.
Joel had no problem taking care of Etho, he had more than enough carried his weight as a partner so far. Etho deserved rest. Etho deserved the world.
More than that, Etho deserved to be alive; more than he did.
Etho is alive, Etho is well, so why isn’t he leaving!? It was getting frustrating at this point, this shed was much too close to the horde that attacked them earlier, they would sniff them out in no time, “Etho–”
“Joel–” Etho stopped for a second before deciding to continue over Joel, “I don’t know what’s gotten into your head, and I don’t know how to convince it to go away, but we’re both getting through this. We’ll find someone who knows how to mend your leg and I’ll keep you safe.”
“You stupid, smelly man!” Joel chokes, smiling from the pure absurdity of Etho’s words, “You’ll end up dead! Think with your head for once!”
“Think with your head!” Etho yells at him, “The Joel I know doesn’t want to die, and I want to speak to the Joel I know! Tell me Joel-I-know, do you really want to die in this shed? Do you really want me to just leave you here!?”
“Well, Joel-I-know will be a corpse anyway!” Joel cries.
“Well, Joel-I-know wanted to survive through the apocalypse no matter what! Joel-I-know would never just give up! And even if Joel-I-know really wants to die, I would stay here and die with him!”
…What?
“You don’t mean that.” Joel commands, voice dry and eyes the size of saucers, “The whole point is for you to be alive.”
“The whole point is for both of us to be alive,” Etho whispers like it’s a secret, “We’ll make it, Joel. Don’t underestimate me.”
Something inside Joel sighs in relief, another something crumbles in fear, “I’m sorry.” It’s barely audible, but Etho doesn’t seem to mind, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I want to survive so badly. I don’t want to die Etho.” Tears begin running down his face again, “I don’t want to die, I don’t want you to die. I don’t want to die but if I’m the reason you die I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t want to go through that, not again.”
Joel buries his face in his palms, hiding his face from his partner, “I can’t be the reason someone dies again. I can’t do that, it should’ve been me dead. It should’ve been me.” Joel sobs, it’s so embarrassing but he couldn’t help it; memories spill over.
It was the three of them. He, Lizzie and Jimmy. Joel had been staying at their place when the outbreak happened. Joel boarded up the door as the siblings counted their rations and searched for weapons. They didn’t have much, Joel remembers clearly because Jimmy mourned it. His friend loved cooking and was about to go grocery shopping for the three of them when the emergency broadcast played on all of their phones like a siren.
None of them believed it at first, had some dumb high schooler hacked the news? But it was hard not to believe it when the damn thing began attempting to knock down the front door. For one terrifying second, the door slips open and Joel comes face-to-face with the thing. Lizzie screams, ramming her body into the door. Jimmy runs to get wood as the two held the door closed.
They lasted around 2 weeks before rations were getting dangerously low. The electricity and heat had shut off at this point; Jimmy was the only one who still had battery left on his phone; nothing but bloomy Earth Inc worked, wifi and signal were down, leaving the three to entertain themselves with one deck of Uno.
The door hadn’t been disturbed in a while and the three of them decided it was time to run out to get supplies. With hearts pounding in their throats they walked out with half-empty backpacks and their homemade weapons.
Joel wishes they never left.
They make it to the grocery store. What they didn’t consider was how populated it was going to be. Early on in the spread, food was still unopened, unraided. There’s a reason that never lasted long. Jimmy was the first person to find the other people in the store, poor unfortunate Jimmy.
“Hey Joel, I’m gonna check the eggs to see if any are still good,” Jimmy mutters to him, adjusting his backpack and holding a plank of wood tightly in his hands. Joel nods, humming as he searched through different flavours of chips.
Jimmy’s footsteps echo through the store. Lizzie walks into the aisle and grabs Joel’s hand, she whispers, “Joel. There are other people here we need to go. Where’s Jimmy—”
A terrifying ‘CRACK!’ cuts through the air, “AHHHHHHHHHHHH—!” A scream of pure agony rippled into his ears. Joel sprints out of the aisle just to see the bat crash down into Jimmy’s skull for the last time. Jimmy hits the ground and Joel makes eye contact with his killer.
Joel doesn’t remember what happens next. One moment he’s standing there with unbridled anger; the next he’s standing over the body of the killer with Lizzie cradling her brother in her arms.
Joel killed the man, and he didn’t regret it. Tears burned both of their eyes. Lizzie cried out words, hugging Jimmy’s limp body as tightly as she could. That’s when Joel heard it; the whining and groaning from in front of their door. His head snaps to behind Lizzie; a horde. Joel can’t remember how many there were, just that he grabbed Lizzie’s hand and sprinted. Lizzie sobbed behind him as Joel could only think of survival.
It was all a blur from there; too many emotions, too much running. Lizzie’s house comes into view again and Lizzie clicks the garage door opener twice; open and then closed. They had lost the horde a while ago and they were both out of breath, Lizzie lets go of his hand and they both slip under the closing garage door.
At least, that’s what he thought.
“Lizzie?” Joel looks over. She’s not there– the garage door thunks onto the pavement and Joel looks around frantically, “Lizzie!?” Outside the small, dirty window of the garage door, he saw her. Tears ran down her face as she looked down at the ground, “Lizzie? Hey, babe, open the door, it’s not safe out there!”
Something hits the pavement and Lizzie stomps on it; Joel hears it shatter, “Lizzie? Lizzie! Hey, Lizzie, what’s going on!?” Joel bangs on the garage door, “Lizzie answer me!”
“I got bit, Joel.”
He pauses, “Lizzie, open the door. Stop joking.” Joel chokes out a laugh, “It’s not funny.”
“I got bit, Joel.” Lizzie’s tears stream faster and she drops down onto the ground. Joel could no longer see her through the window and he dropped down onto his knees as well. He put his hands on the metal, feeling a bit of heat from Lizzie’s back through the door.
“Lizzie, open the door.” Joel chokes, “Lizzie we can– we can–” Joel's mind races, he can’t lose her. He can’t lose her. He hears Lizzie sob through the metal. Lizzie would curl into herself, hugging herself the way she does when she’s upset. Joel would walk over with a blanket and her favourite flavoured lollipop; he would wrap her with the blanket and let her lean into him. He would ask her what she wanted to do; she would reply with some snarky answer and Joel would always have something to shoot back. He would do that if this damn door wasn't in the way.
“Joel I can’t.” Her voice breaks and so does his heart, Joel starts sobbing, “Please stay alive Joel, I love you so much.” She starts, “It’s spreading– Ew! Ew! Ew!” Lizzie attempts to laugh but she and Joel both know it’s fake, “Joel– Joel talk to me please— Please tell me a-about… tell me about how we first met.” She settles on.
So Joel talks, he tells the story through his tears with his head against the garage door as the heat on the other side begins to fade. He squeezes his eyes shut and talks for hours and hours. Even when all Lizzie replies back are whines and groans Joel continues, talking until his voice is hoarse.
Not much happens after that. A lot of mourning on the couch that’s all he can say. Those days dragged on forever; all he did was cry and eat the stale food with no one to cook it. He walked past Lizzie and Jimmy’s room as fast as he could on his way to the bathroom. The day he decides to leave is the first time he goes into either of their rooms. He takes one keepsake from both of them and runs without looking back.
He spills everything to Etho; sobbing into his shoulder the whole time. He doesn’t know when Etho began holding him but he can’t seem to mind; seeing as he was describing the most traumatic memories of his life.
Joel stops talking, lip quivering and body shaking. Etho rubs his back soothingly, and Joel lets out a shaky sigh, “You have to live.” Etho whispers, Joel’s leg seems to ache in response.
“So do you.” Joel mutters, squeezing Etho back, “You’re all I have left now.” Etho rests his head on top of Joel’s.
There’s a comfortable silence between them. There’s no whining and groaning, only the sound of shaky breathing and Etho’s hand running up and down his back. He’s so glad he found Etho, he doesn’t even know how to describe it. After the day he lost Jimmy and Lizzie he had an empty hole in his heart, Etho was like a piece of good luck among all the hurt. Like a penny on the sidewalk during a rainy day or a good fortune from a broken cookie.
Joel by all means shouldn’t be alive, but he was so lucky to have someone that wanted him to be. Joel smiled, “Hey Etho…”
“Yeah?” Etho replies softly.
“Could you tell me about how we first met?” Joel closes his eyes and lets his body relax.
Godbless Etho doesn’t ask, instead, he just talks. He talks slowly and methodically in his own Etho-way. He tells a story Joel knows very well; it was one of his favourite stories now.
He doesn’t deserve to be here, but he hopes Etho doesn’t mind him sticking around for a while.