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Quiet whimpering rouses Kazuha from his sleep. It’s still dark out, the lantern on the side table provides the room with an orange glow. With how frequently this happens, they silently agreed to just keep it lit at night. He sits up and looks over at the man lying next to him. He is on his back, his brow furrowed, lines of tears on his face. Kazuha’s hand cups his cheek.
“My love.” More whimpering. His heart aches.
“Kuni, wake up.” His thumb catches a tear. A painful sound escapes Kuni’s mouth, somewhat resembling his name.
“Wake up, my lo—” A hand snatches his wrist in an instant. He is ready for the other arm lashing at him, stops it in its tracks. Kuni’s eyes are wide and frantic. With his hand still on his cheek, he waits for them to find his.
“You’re okay. It’s me. It was a nightmare, you’re okay.”
His breathing is heavy and Kazuha strains to hold back the arm that went for his neck. It takes five more breaths for Kuni to see him. A murderous look turns into a pained one. Kazuha gives him a soft smile.
“There you are.”
He feels Kuni’s right arm go lax and he lays it back gently at his side after kissing the mark his hand left there. The grip on his wrist is released and another tear is caught. Kuni tries to suppress a sob. Kazuha so wishes he could take away his pain. Instead, he moves his hand to stroke silky hair. It’s getting long, past his shoulder blades now. It suits him.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Kazuha,” his voice is trembling. Kazuha reaches for his wrists, removing the palms digging in his eyes.
“You’re okay.” He looks into defeated eyes and tries to swallow past the lump in his throat. That’s four nights in a row now.
—
Kuni vaguely registers light kisses being placed on his knuckles. Kazuha is so gentle with him. He deserves none of it. He doesn’t deserve anything good and soft and warm. He should leave. He should leave before Kazuha does. He feels sick. He wants to scream, he wants to run, he wants to hold onto Kazuha and never let go. Selfish. He’s so selfish. He’s everything Kazuha isn’t. He should—
“Hey, stay with me now.” He blinks, concern is written on Kazuha’s face. He opens and closes his mouth. Kazuha hums and lies back down on his side, facing him. Kuni stares up at the ceiling, trying to keep his resolve to leave, to end this before Kazuha realises they never should have started this in the first place. He tries, but it’s hard to focus with loving fingers tracing patterns on your chest. He shouldn’t turn to face him, he shouldn’t look into those red eyes because he knows they will keep him here. He shouldn’t.
He does.
He’s greeted with a soft “hello” and he knows he has lost. Kazuha reaches for his hand and he lets him take it. Feeling his heartbeat calms him down and Kazuha knows it. He hates that he knows. He loves that he knows. He really has lost. With a relieved sigh Kazuha closes his eyes. He looks so beautiful like this, his hair loose and a little wild.
“Why are you here?” It’s out of his mouth before he can stop himself. He curses himself for it.
“Because you are here,” he says it matter of factly, eyes still closed.
“Why would you want to be here… with me?” Eyes open at that. He smiles at him and Kuni’s chest tightens. No one should look at him with that much love and adoration. Seemingly pleased with the reaction on his face, Kazuha cuddles closer to him, keeping his hand against his chest.
With calm breath tickling his neck and the smell of home surrounding him, his mind slowly quiets. Feeling Kazuha’s heartbeat under his palm, he almost feels like he has one of his own.