Chapter Text
This question was eating him alive.
Maybe it was dumb to even question it in the first place, but there was nothing new about that, right? After all, his brothers always said he had the most stupid ideas out of them four! So of course, this one shouldn't be any different.
'It's stupid. Just stop thinking about it.'
But even now, when he wanted to the most, he couldn't stop thinking.
Wasn't that ironic? He was known for never thinking, never using his brain, never caring... and now, all those things didn't even apply to him anymore.
And after an entire year of wondering and questioning, he decided he needed some answers, as this was something he couldn't get out of his mind.
Every fight, every patrol, every hour of every day, the question lingered at the back of his head.
And he couldn't help but wonder.
It had been almost a year since they were at the farmhouse, and even if it was one of the most dreadful experiences he has ever gone through, and the feeling of grief ate him alive almost every time he walked next to that god forsaken bathroom, which held inside one of the most horrid and heartbreaking scenes he has ever witnessed in his life... he missed the place so much it was insane.
He missed nature, the feeling of grass against his feet, the warmth only pure sunlight could provide to his body when everything else around him felt oh so cold.
He missed wandering into the forest, becoming fascinated by all the amazing creatures he encountered and had never seen in all his sixteen years of life due to living in extreme confinement.
He missed the smell of wild flowers and the sound of birds chirping.
He didn't, however, miss the uncertainty of the situation that led them there, as it was a dark time in the turtles' lives, when none of them knew if their older brother would even wake up from his deep slumber nor if their Sensei was even alive.
He also didn't miss waking up every other night, covered in sweat, gasping for air, holding his chest in constricting pain before trying to go back to sleep and realizing he couldn't. He remembered how tired he felt, getting out of bed after many minutes of trying and failing to drift back into blissful unconsciousness.
He'd always take this as an opportunity to start cooking breakfast for everyone in the house, however. Convincing himself that maybe tomorrow would be different, he'd finally get a full night sleep and this would be 'the last time it happens, seriously'.
It was never the last time, but he always tried to go back to sleep and annoyingly cussed out his brain for not letting him and pulling these stunts on him; not because he was tired, but because he knew his path would inevitably cross with the sight of that stupid bathroom which he hated so much because 'why is that stupid door always open, anyway? Not like he is gonna wake up and close it himself anytime soon'.
Even if no one was forcing him to, the rage would consume him whenever he realized he had to get up and inevitably be met with the stupid sight of his brother laying unconscious on that stupid bathtub with Raphael always sitting next to him on that stupid chair of his, waiting for the stupid day Leo finally decided to wake up.
Every.
Single.
Time.
He'd wake up only to be met with the same sight every night, at around the same hour every time. Raph would always be next to the bathtub, sitting on that wooden chair he stole borrowed from the kitchen like he was glued to the damn thing or something.
All those previous times, whenever they used to fight non stop, Mikey was so convinced Raph and Leo hated each other's guts... and now, it was his hotheaded brother who guarded Leo's side with the intensity of a whole clan, only allowing himself to drift into a deep slumber during the night after fighting sleep for as long as he could.
And with that, Mikey couldn't help but wonder...
Now, Mikey found himself standing right in front of Raph's door, hesitating on even knocking because if the question he had was really as stupid as he thought, Raphael would, for sure, punch every single color off him. Not just the green of his skin.
Not only was it stupid, but also selfish.
Heartless.
Intrusive.
Maybe he could still turn around and go back to his own–
Oops. No time. Raph opened the door himself.
Now they were both standing in the room's doorway... facing each other... none of then saying anything...
'Why is this so awkward!?'
"Hey..." was all the red clad said before stepping aside and signaling Mikey to come in; his body so stiff it almost looked like a robot's.
Mikey nodded, not meeting his brother's eyes and slowly walked inside the room, looking at every single new and old thing that laid around it since the last time he had visited it. Maybe it would take him another six months to ever be allowed in again and he wanted to see what changes and what not in that time frame...
The click of the door behind him finally made him turn around to face his brother once more, who was still standing next to the door... wait– was he guarding the door?!
'He thinks I'm gonna run away from him'.
And maybe, there was a little bit of truth in the thought, because now that he was here, he regretted even entering in the first place.
No one said anything for a few more seconds in which Mikey pretended to still be looking around, even if he had already seen everything. There wasn't a single thing his eyes hadn't registered yet.
"...Well? Spit it out!" The harsh tone made Mikey flinch a bit, not expecting Raph to raise his voice so suddenly. Everything was so quiet while looking for the right words that it took him by surprise.
"Okay so, I know this is stupid, so there's no need for you to tell me this time, okay?" And Raph raised an eye ridge at Mikey's warning, but quickly signaled him to keep talking before crossing his arms over his plastron once more.
"And you will most likely beat the living crap out of me...!" At this, Raph's stare appeared to soften, his features shifting from the usual anger to worry. Concern, even...
So Mikey was left to deliver the final blow.
"But I couldn't stop thinking that...
If it was me who went into a... a coma... instead of Leo...
Would you have... done the same for me that you did for him...?" And now, there was silence.
Raph's face went from the previous worry to a mix of emotions not even Mikey could decipher.
Was it anger for even thinking about it? Dread for having to imagine another one of his brothers go through that situation? Grief for remembering that dark time in his life?
Mikey didn't know. It was such a weird combination of expressions and complicated feelings that it was amazing how Raph didn't retort to anger after a few seconds of this display.
But then, he responded.
"...Of course I would have. Yes." There it was. His answer. The one he had been waiting for the longest time.
And now, he couldn't help but think...
' Well, that wasn't what I was expecting...'
Only a little too late did he realize he said that out loud, maybe a little under his breath, maybe mumbling it to himself.
But loud enough for Raph to hear.
"What is that supposed to mean...?" Now, Raph was cutting the distance between the both, cornering Mikey so that he couldn't escape now even if he wanted to.
He fucked up. As always, he fucked up.
He didn't want to talk anymore, in fear of fucking up even more so than he already did.
Raph grabbed him by the shoulders and violently shook him around, expecting a response to drop out of his little brother's mouth if he shook hard enough.
But nothing.
"Hey! I am talking to you! What is that supposed to mean, huh?! You don't think I would do the same for you?! Or Donnie?!" This last part brought the words back to Mikey's mouth, as he was horrified by the thought.
"Of course I expect you to do it for Donnie!"
"And why not you?! Why do you think I'd stop at him and Leo?! Why do you–"
"Because they are important, okay?!" And now, he regretted having that big mouth of his, because he couldn't stand the look Raph was giving him... it was the same look he had when Splinter died...
He tried to chuckle the worry away, but alas, Raph's face remained the same.
"Hey, you know what I meant-"
"No, actually. I don't know."
And now, the youngest was almost certain he wouldn't be able to leave that easily anymore.
"...C'mon, bro, stop playing dumb. That's kinda like my job."
"Your job?! What the hell is up with you?!"
"NOTHING'S WRONG!" Nothing is wrong... right? Raph is just blowing this out of proportion, worrying over nothing, only just now noticing Mikey's feelings even when he has been desperate for someone to notice him month after month. Year after year.
Even in the yearly occurrence of Mikey and Raph having a heart to heart, it never got this messy. He was supposed to be the one making everything better, not the other way around...
'I should've kept wondering'.