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For those of us who can't take feeling angry, who bury the feeling deep down until it burns a hole in your chest, charring the floor where you fold into yourself as your body scolds and burns from within alongside it.
~~~
The first time Raphael remembers getting angry, his brothers were continuously pestering him for some reason or another. He knows now that they never meant to annoy him, but they had been poking, teasing in sing-song voices, making up games and cheating so he lost every time, anything and everything they had done that day dug deeper and deeper into his shell, resting in his already heavy chest.
He told them to stop. Of course he told them to stop. Why wouldn't he tell them if he was upset? He remembers telling them to stop.
According to them, Raph stayed completely silent that day, though it's not something his younger brothers remember as much as Raph does. They don't play the first day he really got angry over and over again in their memories like a broken record. They don't sit in the ear-ringing silence of their rooms and stare at broken walls and the furniture pieces that were never that badly damaged before he'd recieved it.
To sum it up, Raph hurt one of his brothers.
He's been long since forgiven, he's worked to make sure his brothers never have to feel as though he could "snap" any minute. And with the years of training with Splinter, learning about coping mechanisms and his brothers helping with ways to redirect his thoughts, Raph feels as though he's got it down pretty good.
And sure he still gets frustrated and annoyed, but who doesn't? That's totally normal to have those kinds of emotions.
It's not like he's some terrible, horrible individual who purposly goes out of his way to hurt other people for his own gain. Those are the kinds of people he and his brothers have trained their whole lives to stop.
Though even after reminding himself of this, whatever thing he has sitting in the base of his chest (growing big when it can, hot when he's frustrated, and sticky and sickening like a warmed, thick paste lining his insides) can not go away. It can't be removed and no amount of fucking meditation would even make it budge.
It's here to stay and Raphael hates it.
A bad mood can start with simple little things. Empty jam jars in the cupboard, pets (or in this case, Donnies brand new and very faulty robots in beta) running into things and knocking them over for Raph to pick up, paints and crafts left discarded and spread on the entirety of the table when Raph just wants to sit down and eat. At silly situations that Raphael would usually chuckle at and redirect his focus, today he can't even bring himself to try and move his face into anything somewhat recognisable to a smile.
He'd woken up to his messy room, and though Splinter had said something about his bedroom reflecting his mind, he left it as it was.
Already too overwhelmed to deal with any of his own things let alone his brothers right now, he shuts his eyes, takes a deep breath, focuses on the air filling and leaving his lungs. Just like how Splinter told him to. And he eats his cereal standing up, roughly hitting the sides of his bowl with the spoon before he shovels his breakfast into his mouth.
Raph loves his brothers, he would go to the end of the world and back for them if he had to. He's taken so much responsibility out of their hands just so they could have a glimpse of the normal life the people up on the surface have. That isn't to say Raph hadn't had his share of independence, he was the first one allowed up on their own, but with their father going through... what he was going through, Raph had to take charge a lot of the time.
And that kind of thing really wears a kid down.
Raphael is halfway through his cereal as Leo rounds the corner and beelining to the coffee machine Donnie was able to patch up, places a cup under it and switches it on. "Hey Raph, hit that bowl with that spoon any harder and it'll break."
Leo, for better or for worse, has become very good at toeing the line between "Raph about to meltdown," and "Raph having a meltdown." It's unintentional and Raph doubts Leo even knows what he's doing. He'd be impressed if he wasn't doing all he could to keep himself in check right now. He does what he can to ignore his brother as he stuffs his mouth with more fibrous flakes.
"Ohoho, I see, the silent treatment." Leo says with his head inside the fridge, on the hunt for milk. "You should do this more often, less yappin' and more bowl tappin'! Ha!" Leo laughs at his rhyme before he clocks the milk next to Raph. He'd forgotten to put it away. There isn't much left. And Leo chatters on.
"Oh geez, Raph. Enough cereal with that milk?" He hold the carton up to the light, inspecting how much is left. "It's as if you've" Leo sees his older brothers face, apparently something about it reads like a warning sign because he takes a big step backwards, shuts up and pours his milk into the coffee mug.
There's barely any cereal left in his bowl. The repetitive motions made his chest stop feeling heavy, however. But it didn't help anything. Just paused for a short moment. Raphael places the now bent spoon down onto the bench next to him, and as slowly as he can, he drinks the cold milk out of the bowl.
"Oh good Raph is here." Donnies tone sounds sarcastic as he too rounds the corner with Mikey following close behind. "Dear brother Raphael, I was testing something and I noticed that your heartbeat is faster than it should be. I wanted to see if you-."
He apparently only looks up from his screen as Raphael lowers his bowl from his face. Donnie reacts similar to Leo, wide-eyed as he stands in the doorway and Mikey who hides his eyes behind his hands.
Raph takes that as a cue to leave and calm himself in his room. Trying to place his bowl down as gently as he can, it lands on the bench with a crack. Leos eyes widen in shock, Donnie gasps and Mikey sinks behind his purple brother.
Raph knows he's done something wrong. He knows exactly what has occurred before he even turns around. His chest weighs down, hot and thick with the very same burning sensation he has not felt in a long time. This is it.
Raphaels toes tingle and he swears he just felt his brain flood with adrenaline. oh shit, please not now He turns around, confirming the bowl is completely shattered beneath his unscathed hand.
The light is too bright and someone needs to shut that coffee machine off before he looses his mind. The hot, thick sensation rockets out of his chest and into his legs, head, arms, and hands. He pulls his fingers into fists, almost unknowing what to do with them. Raphael doesn't think twice before he bolts out of the room. His brothers yell after him, but he makes it into his bedroom before their words make it through to him. He knows they'll wait until he's ready.
He has got to move his arms. It almost hurts having them sit so still. It's almost as if he has to wave them about, but that still feels wrong. He pulls his arm back, aiming to hit the dresser next to him, but before he can make contact, his final sense of rationality tells him that any more broken furniture will both hurt to accomplish and further worry his family.
Raph bites back making any noise. He can't breathe. He needs to fucking breathe.
He can't.
He can't.
The pressure builds.
He can't hit the dresser.
His mark is everywhere, fist-sized holes in his walls.
He's dangerous.
He slams his hand down onto the floor. Anything to release all this built up pressure. This ugly, hateful feeling concentrates into his right hand as he lays it down onto the concrete over and over and over again. The ground below him takes as much as he gives. He can't stop, he won't stop. He thinks about what his brothers would say or what expression they'd make, how much they would look down on him if they walked in right now.
His mind replaces the concrete below him with images of his brothers shells. He's hitting them, cracking them, hurting them. He needs to stop thinking this, he has to-
"STOP IT!"
It's hard to recognise his own voice when it isn't practiced obedience as much as it's easy to ignore the shooting pain up his arm when he grips his skull tightly to squeeze those kinds of invasive, unwelcome thoughts out. He yells again.
"STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!"
He hits his head and it's painful.
And then his body is still. He will not allow himself to move. He may not be able to move if he tried. He feels his heart pumping in his chest, ears and likely injured hand. Hard floors would do that to you.
And finally, Raphael blinks his eyes as they mist, and the next minute his face is soaked in litteral sweat and tears.
"Why am I like this?" He whispers, though he doesn't even know if any noise came out. Everything is overwhelming and his head hurts from being squashed by his own hands, and his hand hurts from hitting the floor. He leans against the wall. His shell is bound to mark it as he lets his body give out and slide down it, but he can't bring himself to care. It's seen worse days.
He's broken. Trying to fit the pieces back together like this is pointless. He can feel himself crumble with every attempt to fix himself.
And then there's a knock on the door.
He can't bring himself to speak. His throat is blocked and he's afraid what will come out is a choked sob. He echoes the knocking from his spot on the floor and his door creeps open.
Out of his three brothers, he didn't expect Donnie to be the first one to see him here. His brother doesn't speak as he scans the room, spots him and walks over to him, sitting right next to him. Donnie is deliberately breathing slow and loud, and Raph does his best to follow along to calm down.
For a while, they just sit there together. Breathing at the same time. Raph feels the once hot, overflowing heat in his chest finally subside, his lungs feeding it the cold air to calm it. To calm him.
"Are you feeling better?" Donnie whispers.
Raph is glad for the yes or no question. He pinches his index and thumb together as he nods his head to say yes, a little bit.
"Good."
They might've sat there for one minute or ten, he wouldn’t have known. And then Raphael clears his throat and his voice is hoarse. "-mm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Raph. Today has-"
"No." The eldest shakes his head. "I mean for the first time when I..." He trails off.
"We were kids, Raph. My statement still stands. You have nothing to be sorry for."
"I have everything to be sorry for, Don!" Raph clenches his uninjured fist, but not as a result of any building anger. "I'm so sick of being angry all the time and it's getting really hard to cope. I feel like this feeling has gotten to the point where it's the little things that set me off. And I don’t know if my reaction is justified or not and it's scary."
Raph wipes his tears by rubbing his hands over his face. "I never want to seem like an angry person, especially around you guys."
"Well, though I don't outwardly express my emotions the way you do," Raph looks at his busted room and thinks about his brothers pristine lab that he, Leo and Mikey aren't allowed into. Donnie gestures to the room. "I do feel like this sometimes. I just do things differently."
"How so?"
"Well, sometimes..." Donnie readjusts himself to sit more comfortably while also not looking directly at his brother. "I'll attempt to make anything that I know won't work just so it can fail and I'd have a reason to be mad. It's like I need an excuse to allow myself to feel or something."
"You don't have a way for your anger to boil over as easy as me." Raph says, less like a question and more as a quiet revolution.
"In simple terms, I guess you could say that." And then Donnie begins analysing. "Where you seem to let everything build as high as it can go because you have the pressures of being the oldest and responsible for us, and that seems like a nightmare."
"Yeah it is. Especially when your brothers are blowing things up on purpose." Raph nudges Donnie, chuckling to himself.
Donnie cracks a smile, glad his brother is feeling better. "Yeah, well. Better me than the other two blowing stuff up. I like to call it a controlled failure."
"And I'd like to have a chat to you about your bad habbits."
Donnie punches him in the shoulder. "Okay big guy, but later. Leo and Mikey are naturally worried about you. What's the word? You staying here or coming with me?" Donnie stands up from his spot on the floor and offers his hand to Raphael.
Raph stands up on his own and gives Donnies still outstretched hand a half-assed high five. "Let's go."