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read notes and tags for trigger warnings, keep yourself safe
After tossing and turning all night, anxiety twisting into worse case scenario possibilities, Eddie decided to bike over to Richies house first thing in the morning.
“Why weren’t you at school yesterday?” Eddie asked, sitting on Richies bed.
“I was having sex with your mom” His response didn’t hold its usual annoying flair, it felt half baked.
“Fuck off dude. I’m asking this seriously.”
“I was sick.” Richie mumbled. Technically not a lie.
Eddie frowned, he knew Richie was lying.
He’d even overheard some older kids in the hallway whispering about him ‘hiding’. He wished he knew how to get him to talk. Like really talk, not just make jokes and avoid the question. He decided to do what Richie normally did best, obnoxiously interrogate.
“Stan told me something happened over the weekend. Was it about that?”
“Stans full of shit. Nothing happened.” Though Eddie noted that he visibly tensed up.
“Richie don’t lie to me.”
Richie found his mind drifting against his will. He tried to respond but his mouth closed again as his vision blurred out, suddenly reopening two days prior. Sticky red blood spilled down his face from his nose while he fumbled to put his glasses back on.
“Get up fag!” Bowers spat.
Richie was suddenly snatched up from the dirt, held inches away from their sneering face.
“We’re gonna tell the whole school about you’re gross secret, starting with your honey pie; Eddie.” He puckered his lips and Richie put his hands up to block them.
”Whats wrong, Toizer? I thought you loved it when boys kissed you!”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about asshole.”
Bowers scoffed, shoving him down again. A strong foot connected with his side. He put his arms around his face and curled in his legs to protect his weak spots.
“We don’t want him catching your disease.”
The other boy fake puked before laughing.
“You know what we do to cure diseases? We kill them.”
Another kick landed and he grit his teeth.
“We fucking kill them!” He leaned down and yelled into Richies ear.
He started running like hell, legs burning from the developing bruises.
“Go run back to fairy land!” The other boy cackled.
He heard slurs being thrown behind him but in the moment it didn’t matter.
They knew.
They knew about him.
“Richie?” Eddie asked softly. He’d had gone uncharacteristically silent and was staring numbly at the wall.
The black haired boy blinked, absent mindedly touching his nose like something was there. After a few more moments a mist in his eye seemed to clear and he recognized where he was; straightening up.
“Sorry what was that?”
Eddie frowned. “Are you okay, Rich?”
He didn’t answer at first, mind moving slowly as it recovered. “I’m fine.”
Eddie groaned, “Fucking no, Richie. Clearly you are not.”
Richie squirmed uncomfortably. Directing his vision now to the floor. “I shouldn’t even be here right now.”
“You have somewhere to be?”
“No.”
“What does that…” A horrible, horrible thought entered Eddies mind then. It was on his list of worse case scenarios but he’d brushed it aside saying ‘Richie would never!’ But would he?
“I have to go.” Richie declared, a visibly increasing panic in his eyes.
“Richie wait,” Eddie stood up too, grabbing his arm and forcing him to stay.
A lone tear fell down Richies face and he aggressively wiped it away.
“Please just tell me what happened.”
“Nothing! Nothing happened!” His voice rose to a yell. “Drop it, Eddie!”
“Don’t bullshit me! Why weren’t you at school Richie? Why shouldn’t you be here right now?” Eddie demanded, tightening his grip.
“I tried to kill myself! Fuck is that what you wanted?!” His voice cracked and another tear fell.
Eddie was stunned, standing in shock.
Richie grit his teeth, pushing back more tears as he tried to pull away.
“Oh my god..”
“Let me go!” Richie seethed.
Eddie watched him struggle for a moment before gently pulled him into an embrace. One hand on his back and the other in his hair.
Richie let his arms fall loose and they moved back to the floor.
“ Let me go. ” Richie croaked.
Eddie stroked his hair. Soaking in the smell of him, his body heat, his heartbeat. All the little indications of life. “I’m here. I’ve got you.”
“You wouldn’t say that if you knew.” Richie whispered. “You wouldn’t want to be near me.”
“Nothing could change the way I see you, Rich.” If only he knew how true that was.
“Don’t say things you don’t mean.”
“I wouldn’t lie to you.”
When he didn’t answer Eddie began getting anxious.
“Rich?”
He pulled back carefully, finding the boy in the same dazed state he’d gone into previously. A haunted look in his eye.
Richie was looking in the mirror, all he saw was a monster looking back. The same curly black hair. The same oversized glasses. The same freckles. The same disgusting abnormality. One that couldn’t stay living in this hatful world.
He knew they were serious. They would tell everyone and his life would be over.
His friends would hate him, and Eddie wouldn’t even look at him. He couldn’t face that reality.
He turned away, feeling himself break more each minute he had to see his reflection. He slammed his back into the wall and slid down into a sitting position. Tears streaming from his eyes. Fear coursing through his body.
”fuck” His voice came out wobbly and broken.
He fought against his violently shaking legs to stand back up. Staggering against the sink, and knocking over medications in the cabinet until he grabbed an old bottle of pain relief hidden in the back.
With it in his clutches, he tumbled back down.
“Come on! Come on!” He cried, voice breaking as he battled the lid. “Open you useless shit!”
“ Please !” In desperation he started banging the bottle on the ground until the old lid snapped off.
Immediately he poured every last tablet into his mouth and nearly choked trying to down them all at once, the residue powder making him cough.
Through his sobs and dry wheezing, he could barley swallow. His stomached churned painfully and he doubled over. A scream ripped from his lungs as his head pounded.
He crawled up and retched his guts out in the toilet. When he pulled away again he promptly blacked out on the floor.
“Richie!” Eddie shook his shoulders. “You with me?”
Richie nodded blearily. “I’m here.”
“You’re okay.” Eddie reassured. “Whatever you keep seeing is just your mind.”
“My mind hates me.” Richie grumbled, looking away.
“It’ll do that.”
Eddie wrapped his arms around his side and pulled him closer. Richie put his head on his shoulder; Leaning in to the touch.
“This is embarrassing.”
“No it’s not, you’re being vulnerable for once and that’s good.”
“It doesn’t feel good. It feels embarrassing.”
Eddie sighed in defeat.
Richie made a face of discomfort, the same headache from before returned. He knew what came after that, and he jumped up and rushed out of the room.
“Richie!” Eddie yelped, chasing after him. For a moment he didn’t know where he’d gone but then he saw the bathroom door fling open.
Richie was bent over the sink, vomiting, before collapsing on the floor with his back against the bathtub; breathing heavily.
Eddie tried not to panic about the throw up in this close proximity to him. Instead he closed his eyes and turned on the faucet, letting it clean itself. A colorful array of curse words screaming in his mind.
“Sorry.” Richie groaned, holding his stomach.
“No, no it’s okay.” Eddie took a calming breath. “Its good to get it out of your system. What did you take anyway?”
Richie shrugged, “Whatever I could find.”
Eddie cringed and sat down next to him. “Jesus.”
They didn’t say anything for a moment before Eddie decided to push his luck. “What are you so afraid of?”
You Richie wanted to say. But he stayed silent.
“Talk to me.” Eddie prompted further. “I want to help you.”
“I can’t go back to school.” His voice was low with a tremor of terror. “They’ll kill me, Eddie. They’ll kill me.”
“Who’s after you?”
“Everyone!” He shouted, standing up abruptly. “Even you!”
“I’m not gonna kill you! Why would I even consider hurting you?” Eddie stood too.
Richies breathe quickened and he backed into the countertop. “You will! I know you’ll hate me, they’ll all hate me!”
“Hey! Hey, it’s gonna be fine. We won’t hate you I promise.”
“You don’t know that!”
“Yes I do.”
Richie shook his head, “You don’t understand! And once you do, I won’t blame you for hating me, I hate me too!”
“Don’t say that!”
Before Eddie could process his words more, Richie turned and started running, as fast as he could go. He burst out of the front door and jumped on his bike. Running with it besides him before he built enough momentum to just jump on. He had no destination, just a goal. Get as far away from that dreaded house. As far away from Eddie.
Eddie nearly tripped down the stairs trying to catch up. Turning to sink off on his way out. Richie was not in the right mindset to be out and about, he was going to hurt himself.
Richie flew down the streets, taking sharp and confusing turns until he hit the edge of town.
Or more like the edge of town hit him, he skidded to a halt and fell down into the grass besides the asphalt. The air completely sucked from his lungs. He rolled for a moment, landing in a ditch just off the side. A few sharp rocks nicked him during the fall, forming little cuts on his arms and legs. His shirt suddenly felt way too tight and he pulled at the collar, heaving.
“Richie!” Eddie called from somewhere on the roads.
Richie cursed under his breath, clumsily crawling farther down the ditch and ducking behind a bush.
“Richie come on! Where are you!”
Eddie looked around nervously, eyes landing on a glint of metal in the distance. Richies bike was laying on the ground, half on the road and half in the grass. The wheel in the air was still spinning.
Why did he have to be so difficult?
“Richie?”
The boy in question was trying very hard to contain his shaking limbs and depleting air. He was dying. He had to be.
Eddie pulled both of their bikes off the road and quickly picked up on the hushed sobs coming from behind the overgrowth.
His heart twisted and he made his way over.
“I can’t- breath.” Richie gasped, tugging at his shirt like it was suffocating him.
Eddie had plenty of experience with things like this, from his own anxiety to asthma. Instantly he was by Richies side.
He took his hands and looked him in the eye, “Take a deep breath, hold, and release.”
Richie tried to obey, it was messy and didn’t do much.
“That’s good, keep doing that. We’ll do it together.”
“It’s n-not working!”
“Try to stay calm, Rich. Panicking will make it worse. Ready? Deep breath, hold, release.”
After a minute of careful breathing, Richie put his head on his knees and sighed deeply.
“If you wanna know so bad go ask anybody. I’m sure the whole town knows by now.” He muttered miserably.
“I don’t want to hear it from anyone else, I want to hear it from you.”
“I don’t want you to hate me.”
“I won’t hate you. I could never hate you.”
“I’m gay, Eddie.” Richie muttered. There was no fight in his words, more of a defeated admission.
Eddies eyes widened, he was rendered speechless by shock. He didn’t know what to expect but it was definitely not that.
“You hate me.”
He snapped out of his daze, “No! No, I don’t hate you. That doesn’t change my view on you at all.” He affirmed.
Richie looked up, the shock on his face brought a deep sadness to Eddie. The fact that he was so surprised by the bare minimum. “You don’t?”
“Of course not.”
Richie frowned and put his head back down. “You should.”
“It’ll be okay, Richie.”
“No it won’t! You know what they’ll do to me! I’m fucking dead, Eddie!” Richie exploded suddenly, sitting up with a heartbroken expression, fear brimming in his teary eyes.
“I won’t let them. We won’t let them.” Eddie persisted, sitting up as well.
“Don’t get involved. It’s better if it’s me alone.” Richie scowled.
“But it doesn’t have to be! The others will understand and we can all face it together.”
“What if they don’t? What if they turn on both us? I can’t do that to you.”
“Hey.” Eddie cupped his face with his hands and held it, using one thumb to brush away a stray tear. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I wish I could believe you.” He whispered, closing his eyes. “But the world isn’t as kind as you, Eddie. The world hates freaks like me.”
“Well then fuck the world.”
Richie frowned, loosely holding his arm. “You don’t understand.”
Eddie bit his tongue, wishing he could express just how much he understood. How much he related to this very scenario. This nightmare scenario that played out in his mind everyday.
Only it was Richies reality.
“Tell the rest of the losers, we can help you.”
“I can’t do that!” Richie said, the panic rising in his voice again. He pulled back away from Eddies touch.
“Why not?!”
“They already don’t like me!“
Eddie frowned, taken aback, “Why would you think that?”
“I’m annoying! I’m a selfish, arrogant, loud mouthed, pathetic douche! And to top it off I’m a fucking faggot.” He threw his hands up dramatically, tears falling down his face.
Eddies jaw fell open, “Richie no! How could you say that about yourself?”
“I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. You guys only hang out with me because I’m so needy and clingy you literally can’t get rid of me.”
“That’s just not true. We hang out with you because we like you. You’re our friend.”
“We’ll I’m a lousy friend and you’d be way better off with me gone.”
Richie moved to get up and Eddie panicked, grabbing a hold of him and locking him in an inescapable hug.
“Stop saying these things Rich, you’re scaring me.” He whispered into the others shoulder. “Why didn’t you say you felt like this sooner?”
“I didn’t want you to worry.” When Eddie didn’t answer he added, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. Just…just stay with me awhile.” He needed time to think. So much to process all st once.
“Okay.”
They sat in the grass holding each other, the sound of the creek farther down filled the silence. A car went by, not paying any mind to the discarded bikes.
It really was beautiful.
Such a pretty town full of such ugly people.
Finally Richie spoke. “I’ll tell them.”
“Good.”
“But please..don’t tell anyone about anything I told you today.”
“Of course not. Your secrets are all perfectly safe with me.” Eddie did the zipper over the mouth gesture. And Richie couldn’t help but smile.
Eddie finally had time to take in Richies appearance.
His hair was all sorts of messy and tangled, a few leaves were stuck in it. He also had dirt all over his shirt and hands. His glasses were fogged up and tear tracks covered his whole face in a blanket of dampness.
He must’ve been making a face because Richie frowned. “Don’t tell me my rugged good looks got fucked up too”
“Well…”
“Damnit.” He stood up and brushed off his knees, Eddie noted a few bruises scattered along them. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know where those came from.
“Richie you’re bleeding!” He gasped, grabbing the boy in questions arm and examining the cuts. Some were old, some were fresh. Eddie didn’t want to tread on the old ones.
“It doesn’t matter, lets just go home.”
”That could get infected so fast..”
”More reason to go home!”
Eddie furrowed his brow but allowed himself to be helped up regardless. They got on their bikes and went back to his house. Once inside Eddie immediately pushed him in the shower with a change of whatever clothes he could find laying around his room.
When Richie got out it was like a switch was flipped, he was back to his chipper loud self.
Eddie was getting whiplash from all the moods of the day. He grabbed a glass of water off the counter and shoved it in Richies hands.
“Drink it all.”
“What happened to hello?” Richie scoffed with a smile, taking the glass regardless.
“Now.”
“Okay! Okay! All you had to say was please.” While he downed the glass Eddie watched intently, making sure he got every last drop.
He had to admit, with his curly hair soaked, he looked pretty good. Wet strands framing his freckled face like a portrait. A few droplets even clung to his eyelashes.
“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Richie gurgled as he swallowed the last amount.
Eddies face turned pink and he turned away. “I’m just making sure you’re okay.”
Richies face softened and he squeezed Eddies shoulder. His voice was suddenly super soft, delicate almost. “I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for me today. It was really messy.”
Eddie raised an eyebrow, it was like he’d been talking to two people. Richie Toizer and the persona he put on.
“You really are something, Richie.”
“I try.” He shrugged, voice raising back to that purposely obnoxious tone he always had.
“You don’t have to do that around me, yknow?”
“Do what?”
He laughed and rolled his eyes, “Nothing. Forget I said anything.”
Richie shrugged, “Whatever. Come on lets go play video games.”
Eddie followed him up, sadness twisting his gut. It seemed like his companion was perfectly okay with ignoring everything he’d dropped today.
Crippling insecurity and self deprecation were at the top of Eddies mental list. He couldn’t help but wonder what he was like at home, when he didn’t have to put on a show.
But more so he wondered why he felt the need for a show at all.
As they passed the bathroom to go into his bedroom, Eddie lingered. Wondering with a sickening feeling if that was the place it had gone down.
Richie noticed him staring and pulled him faster with more aggression. That to Eddie was enough confirmation.
Tomorrow felt like more of a threat than a date. Eddie made a silent vow to do whatever it took to protect Richie.
Whatever it took.