Archive of Our Own

As the night stretched out, drawing dawn closer, Ed knew Stede wasn’t coming.

Had he been too forward, scared him? Had he asked too much of him, not taken his wants into consideration? Perhaps, and Ed wished more than anything that he was wrong, Stede had never returned his feelings. That, when he’d kissed him just hours ago, when the world for the first time ever seemed bright and full of promise, he was just being kind, too kind to let Ed down and tell him that he couldn’t care for him the way he wanted.

Too cowardly to tell him the truth.

But Ed couldn’t be angry with him. He couldn’t.

The sun would be rising soon, he knew that. He had maybe an hour or two left before it began that torturous creep over the horizon, destroying his dreams as it did.

Ed would wait, just a little longer. Stede had always been worth the wait.

He settled back on the dock, watching the waves, remembering how he used to watch them on Hornigold’s ship, letting the soft rocking motion wash away his nerves, letting the sea calm him. It lapped gently, lazily at the pillars of the dock, at the dinghy he’d tied to it. Ed did what he could to stay focused, to stop his eyes from glazing over, and he listened for any unnatural sound, hoping for Stede but fearing the English, albeit less so than he had been. What’s the worst they could do to him? Death didn’t seem so bad. There was one thing Ed cared about above all else, one thing that he had given up everything for–his name, his reputation, even his beard–and that thing, that wonderful, bizarre, incredible man, didn’t want him after all.

He choked back tears, grateful for the squawk of a seagull overhead. He was sure there was no one around to hear him, but the sound shielded him from himself. If a sob escaped and he didn’t have time to compose himself, it would lead to another, and another, and leave him a crumpled mess, alone and unwanted on the dock. In more ways than one, China seemed impossibly far away.

But still in reach.

God, it had to be, didn’t it? If he let go of that hope now, he’d never have anything to cling to again.

He closed his eyes and thought of the way Stede had kissed him–and he had kissed him, he had kissed back–and it only made sense if he’d cared at least somewhat. He could’ve pushed him away, told him that he’d never think of another man like that, and certainly not a man like Ed , but he didn’t. He’d kissed him back. Ed turned that thought over and over in his mind, the feel of Stede’s lips pressed to his, uncertain but giving, and that smile, nervous and sweet, and the way he agreed to run away to China. He’d kissed him back. They were going to run away to China. They still could run away to China, him and his Gentleman Pirate, he could still show up, couldn’t he? If he wasn’t planning it, couldn’t he have at least sent Ed a message? Wasn’t he worth the truth, at least, even if not directly from Stede’s mouth? He took a breath, steadying himself, forcing his thoughts back to the feel of Stede’s jaw at his fingertips, of the time when he let himself be Edward and Edward only. He couldn’t be upset at Stede, nor did he want to.

Stede loved Edward in some way, and, hell, even if it wasn’t the way Edward loved him , he liked him, he didn’t want to change him. Ed would accept that.

Stede could still come to him. Perhaps he got lost? He thought it unlikely, given that Stede had grown up on this island, in this town, but everywhere seemed different in the dark, didn’t it? He remembered being a child and wandering astray when he went out late, when even the parts of town he walked through every day seemed taller, warped. He supposed he was never in much of a hurry to go home. Stede might’ve been caught, and that, the more real-seeming threat, was a far bigger concern. If Stede had been sold out, if the English had gotten him… Ed dreaded to think. Stede wouldn’t be able to fight his way out of a situation like that, and Ed doubted his ability to talk his way out of it either. He thought of Stede attempting to negotiate with a gaggle of soldiers, criticising their conduct and manners as though it would do anything other than speed up his sentence. He wondered if there’d even be a sentencing.

He couldn’t think like that. He couldn’t , it would ruin him. Perhaps Stede was alright. Alright, just late, for whatever reason. Or, perhaps he just never wanted to leave with Ed. Ed wouldn’t blame him if that were the case. People like him didn’t get fine things, didn’t get to spend their lives with people like Stede. He can all but hear his mother’s voice, gently chiding him for wanting more, reminding him that they weren’t that sort of people, that they never would be.

God, fuck , why did Stede let him believe?

Why did he let himself believe?

Ed slumped forward, now, his elbows on his knees, cupping his jaw in his hands. He breathed out, slow and shaky. He was stupid. If he left now, the English wouldn’t get him. He could slip away, back to the Revenge, back to the Queen Anne, even.

But he’d wait. Just a little longer.

*

“ Edward -”

Ed wasn’t sure for how long he’d been waiting, but sunrise wasn’t far off. The sky was tinged with purple, not unlike that outfit he’d dressed in for that awful party. But Ed wasn’t thinking about that; he’d leapt to his feet instead, hearing the rustling of foliage, the snapping of twigs, and the shout of a voice that indicated that someone was near. Someone who knew him.

He turned, reaching for a weapon he didn’t have, and faced the person who stumbled from the forest. When the moonlight caught on the curl of blond hair on the figure’s forehead, Ed knew exactly who it was.

Shock? Anger? Relief? He honestly wasn’t sure.

“Stede? Where were you, man, I-”

Ed ran towards him, his heart pounding in his chest. What the hell was Stede playing at, waiting this long? Ed didn’t have the stomach for this.

“Edward…”

Ed slowed when he approached Stede, a sinking feeling coming over him. Stede hadn’t run to him, he hadn’t even reached for him. Ed shrank back slightly, unable to help himself. He’d been right, hadn’t he? Stede hadn’t wanted him, that’s why he hadn’t come sooner, and he was there simply to break the news. He hadn’t expected Stede to reach out only then, and for his hand to be shaking as he did.

Ed frowned. “Stede, what…”

“It happened again.”

Stede’s voice was barely above a whisper.

Ed looked at his face properly, now, for the first time. Stede was pale, almost as pale as he was the first time they’d met, and his temples were slick with sweat. His face was stained with tear tracks, and something about the way his breath hitched told Ed that he wasn’t far from crying again.

“Stede…”

Ed looked around, before opening his arms, inviting Stede to draw close. Stede took the invitation in an instant, falling into Ed, hiding his face in Ed’s shoulder. Ed held him tightly, moving his fingers over the linen of Stede’s shirt, wishing he could kiss his hair or offer further comfort, but not knowing if it would be wanted, let alone appropriate.

“It happened again,” Stede repeated, his voice breathy. He was doing all he could to hold it together, and Ed wished he could tell him he didn’t need to. Truth be told, though, it wasn’t the case. With dawn fast approaching, they didn’t have all the time in the world.

“What happened?” Ed asked, quietly, rubbing circles on Stede’s back, always keeping alert to any further movement from the forest. “What is it, Stede, what happened?”

“I… it was Chauncey…” Stede said, not moving.

“Chauncey?”

Ed’s brows knitted together; who the fuck was Chauncey? Was he supposed to know who this was? Whoever this guy was, he clearly meant a lot to Stede, or, meant something to Stede. Ed felt like he should know.”

“Badminton,” Stede said, as though he’d read Ed’s thoughts.

Ah.

“That’s the guy who wanted you dead, yeah?” Ed said, daring to move one hand up to stroke Stede’s hair. Stede didn’t seem to object, so Ed didn’t move it. “What about that guy?”

Stede’s body stiffened slightly, and Ed froze in place until he relaxed; then, he continued as he had.

“He’s dead,” Stede said, so quietly that Ed wasn’t sure he’d heard right. “Shot himself in the head, I… I killed him…”

At the admission, Ed could hear Stede’s voice hitch, and he felt his fingers digging more into his back. He held Stede with both arms, keeping him close, as though he could protect him from himself, from his own fears.

“Stede…”

God, he was bad at this, wasn’t he? Ed never knew how to talk about this stuff–he’d never really had much cause to think about this sort of thing on the Queen Anne; Izzy never would’ve allowed it, and to display emotion like this would’ve done worse things for the Blackbeard name than–well–running away to serve the king. Stede was the one who knew how to draw the words out before Ed even had time to think about which ones he needed, and he knew exactly what to say, what he needed to hear. And he delivered this comfort with such… sincerity , too, it dripped from each word and Ed knew he was being truly heard. He wished, more than anything, that he could provide the same.

He had to try.

“Stede, he was a dick,” he said, cursing himself as soon as the words left his mouth. “He- he wanted you killed .”

“He said I ruined you, Ed.”

“What the hell?”

Stede drew back, but as Ed’s arms were about to fall away, give him space, Stede’s hands stayed rested on Ed’s waist. Ed rested his on Stede’s own. He met Stede’s eyes, saw them sparkling with tears, that gorgeous, handsome face of his red and puffy. Ed wanted nothing more than to lean in and kiss the tears away, kiss them until Stede was smiling that sweet, timid smile he seemed to reserve just for Ed.

But he knew that wasn’t right.

“I destroy beautiful things,” Stede said, his voice as even as he could make it. Ed wished he could tell him not to waste his energy like that.

Ed shook his head. “No.”

“Edward, I do. I… I abandoned my family, I killed Nigel, I killed Chauncey , and I…”

Ed could feel Stede’s breathing getting deeper and deeper, as though it was a single thread keeping him from coming apart completely. More than anything, Ed wanted to promise him that if he fell apart, he would gather up each piece and put him back together, different, but beautiful, and maybe even stronger, like those Japanese ceramic pieces he’d come across a few years back. Gold would suit Stede well. He shone like the sun, every aspect of him, even if that sun was eclipsed by some English bastard who’d dedicated his life to dragging him down. Ed moved his hands from Stede’s waist to his forearms, squeezing him lightly, doing what he could to show him it was safe for him to continue.

“I destroyed you .”

Nothing, nothing could have prepared Ed for that answer. Nothing could have prepared him for that statement coming from the mouth of the man for whom he’d sacrificed everything, and would willingly do so again, as many times as it took. He loved Stede Bonnet. Ed could hide it from Stede until he was ready to hear it, but he couldn’t hide it from himself. He loved this man and someone had put it in his head that he had destroyed him?

“No- Stede, mate, I-”

Stede shook his head, with such sadness behind his eyes that it was all Ed could do to stop his own tears from falling. With a resigned smile, Stede spoke. “I did, Edward. I know it to be true. You needn’t protect me, I… deserve to face consequences for my actions. Finally.”

“Stede, this is the consequence-”

Ed went silent when Stede reached up to gently run a finger across his jawline. Ed tilted his head up slightly.

“I brought history’s greatest pirate to ruin,” he murmured, resting his hand on the side of Ed’s face. Ed couldn’t help it; he leaned into the touch, absent-mindedly brushing Stede’s arm with his thumb. “For that, Ed, I’m sorry. Truly.”

“You don’t have to be.”

“I do, Ed. God, you’re… incredible. Truly incredible. It’s an honour to have met you, to… have shared that dream with you.”

Ed felt a shockwave through his entire body, and then it was as though the ground was falling away beneath him. His arms dropped to his side. “What do you mean?”

“I mean…” Stede breathed, as though it was taking as much effort as swimming the Atlantic, “that I can’t go with you. To China, I… I don’t deserve that. I can’t let myself have that when I’ve destroyed so many lives. I don’t deserve an out.”

In that instant, Ed knew he could pick up a sword and take it to everyone in Stede’s life who’d ever made him feel this way, that he was undeserving of happiness, of doing something for himself. “Stede-”

“No, Ed, I’ve… made up my mind. What I need to do. I can’t- allow myself to- to gallivant about, pretending to be a pirate anymore. I need to… face reality. Even if it’s not what I want.”

Ed was doing all he could to stay together. This wasn’t about him. This was about Stede, about Stede and his misguided insecurities, about a life he wasn’t built for but had been forced into, that he’d tried to run from but had never really managed to escape. It was the way the sea called to him, comforting and inviting sometimes, and vast and sorrowful at others. He didn’t have a choice to escape his fate, but Stede did. Stede didn’t have to do this.

“And what if I don’t want that either?”

Stede met his eyes, his head cocked slightly to one side in a way that would’ve been heartbreakingly sweet, under other circumstances. Ed glanced around again, the sky becoming brighter by the minute. They didn’t have much time.

“What if I don’t want to go on my own, Stede? What if I- what if I waited for hours for you to show up, sure that you wouldn’t, but just fuckin’- hoping that you’d come, that you were late, that you’d been held up by something. Every fuckin’ second I stayed here I was putting myself at more and more risk of being caught, and it wasn’t like I had an out, all my money’s–well, fuck knows where it is, right now–but it’s not here, if they’d got me here, with a dingy I’d mugged a guy for, that’d be it .” He mimed a noose snapping his neck. “Stede. What did I tell you earlier? Please, fuck, remember what I told you.”

It was the outburst that Ed had been hoping to avoid. It wasn’t one which Stede had been expecting, either, by the look on his face. Ed wanted to curl into himself, ashamed, but he’d thrown too much out in the open to not hear Stede’s answer.

Please, let him answer.

The silence hung heavy between them, as Stede looked anywhere but at Ed.

Ed clasped his hands together, sure that he’d ruined it before it had even had the chance to-

“You said… that I made Ed happy. That I made you happy.”

His head snapped up, and he met Stede’s eyes. He was brushing away tears as he spoke; Ed wondered how long he’d been crying for. He nodded, though, relief flooding through him all at once. “Yeah. I said that. And I meant it, too.”

He took a deep, deep breath. He knew he couldn’t say everything that he’d wanted to say to Stede. Not yet. He couldn’t tell him that he adored him with every fibre of his being, more than he thought it possible for one person to love another. He couldn’t tell him that he saw sunlight each time Stede entered a room, that his dreams smelled like lavender and he’d learned to enjoy being alive again. He couldn’t say the three words just yet. But he could say something else. He could say something .

“What I want, Stede, is to be with you. I don’t give a shit where. If you wanna go to China, fine. If you wanna go back to the ship, fine . If you wanna… I dunno, get caught and rot in a jail cell and be fuckin’- hanged together, then, fine. But I don’t wanna be apart from you. You might not think you deserve to leave like this, but…” Ed stepped forward, grasping Stede’s hands in his own. “I want you to. With me.”

Stede was as silent as he was the first time Ed had confessed, and then he’d kissed him, to fill the gap. Ed’s eyes darted nervously about, from their joined hands, to Stede’s tear-filled eyes, to his lips. If not now, when? He leaned in and kissed Stede again, their hands at their chests between them. Ed parted his lips slightly, and, to his complete delight , Stede did the same, and he kissed him more deeply, tilting his head as if to drink up every second of this moment, in case it was his last.

When eventually they broke away, they both turned to the sea.

The sky was a glorious purple, and the sea dappled with flecks of light. The dinghy sat where Ed had tied it, bobbing invitingly in place. Ed let go of Stede’s hands, drawing one of his arms around his waist.

With a soft smile, and a kiss pressed to Stede’s cheek, he led him towards the boat.

Wherever Stede went, Ed would follow.