Chapter Text
Wilhelm sits at his small desk in the open office he shares with ten of his coworkers, a stack of contracts and documents about upcoming projects spread out in front of him. His eyes feel heavy and tired as he sifts through the data reported on his Excel sheets, his mind struggling to focus as the numbers and letters start to merge together. Soon, it's the screen that feels too bright, and Wilhelm removes his glasses to rub at his eyes.
He takes a sip from the mug beside him, hoping the caffeine will help clear his mind, but the tea is cold, which makes him shiver as the flavour spreads on his taste buds.
A glance at the clock on the bottom right of his computer screen makes a sigh rise in his chest.
He’s got another two hours before he can go home and relax.
After pondering over letting his brain rest for a bit or powering through with his work, Wilhelm stands up, taking his scarf and coat with him before greeting his coworkers with a nod.
"I’m gonna take a break," he announces to no one in particular.
There is no answer, but the girl sitting across from him offers him a small smile before going back to whatever it is she’s doing. Wilhelm makes a stop by the little kitchen they have in the back of the office, grabbing the iced coffee he bought at the shop earlier and the container where he stored a piece from the banana bread he made at home.
Once outside, he shivers.
It rained earlier in the day, permeating the air with the dank smell of the wet pavement, and changing the sound the leaves make under his shoes when he starts walking towards his usual spot. A small bench in the middle of the parc that is not too far from his workplace. Going out there is something that Wilhelm has been doing since he started working at the architecture firm three years ago. He likes spending time outside, and looking at the trees and birds as long as the weather allows it.
It will be winter soon.
For all he knows, this might be the last day he gets to enjoy the calming scenery for a while.
Wilhelm is in the middle of trying to soak everything in, and digging into his banana bread with a fork when he suddenly realizes he’s not alone anymore. There is a little girl standing right in front of him. She’s wearing bright yellow overalls and her curly hair has been tied up in space buns. She doesn’t look older than five years old, which is odd because she seems to be on her own. Wilhelm doesn’t see anyone in the park apart from them and an old man feeding birds.
The little girl moves a bit closer to him, her big brown eyes opened wide like Wilhelm is doing something extraordinary and not just trying to eat.
No longer interested in being stared at, he tilts his head to the side, working on making his voice softer, as to not scare her.
"Do you want something?"
At this, the little girl’s stomach makes a loud noise and her face flushes scarlet red. Wilhelm bursts out laughing, fingers breaking a piece from his banana bread to offer it to her, but she shakes her head while crossing her arms in front of her chest.
“Mamá always said I should not take food from strangers.”
Wilhelm smiles, endeared.
“She’s right. But let’s see… My name is Wilhelm,” he says while holding out his hand for a handshake. “What’s yours?”
The little girl glares at his hand for a second before shaking it with her own, her fingers too small to wrap around his palm entirely.
“I’m Sofia.”
“Nice to meet you, Sofia. See, we’re not strangers anymore.”
Wilhelm offers her the piece of cake one more time, but she shakes her head again.
“How can I know it’s not poisoned?”
Wilhelm blinks, taken aback.
“Well… I was about to eat it before you came… Do you think I’d do that if it was poisoned?”
Sofia brings her hand to her chin, like she’s pondering over the secrets of the universe, before snatching the piece from his grasp. This makes both of them laugh. Wilhelm pats the empty space next to him on the bench, inviting her to sit down, which she does.
Although she accepted the food, Sofia remains very quiet.
"You came here alone?" Wilhelm asks gently, after the silence stretched for a beat too long.
"No. I’m waiting for my tío.”
"Oh...” Wilhelm looks around again but there is no sign of anyone else in the park. “Where is he now?"
Sofia raises her finger to point at the supermarket across the street.
"Shopping."
That doesn’t ease down Wilhelm’s worry at all. What kind of person could be irresponsible enough to leave such a young child unattended?! He wants to ask her more questions, but she gives an unexpected cry of joy and makes grabby hands at him for another piece of cake.
"It’s so yummy!"
Wilhelm smiles, pride swelling in his chest.
"I’m glad. I’m the one who made it."
Sofia opens her mouth wide in surprise; chocolate chips stuck to her tongue.
"Really? Woah! You’re so cool!"
"Thank you."
She smiles at him for the first time, and Wilhelm has to restrain himself from cooing when he notices the two holes in her mouth where her front teeth used to be. He’s about to give Sofia more of the banana bread when she suddenly starts shaking her arms vigorously while looking to the left.
"That’s my tío," she says to Wilhelm.
He looks in the direction Sofia is pointing at, but instead of the middle-aged man he pictured in his head whenever she was talking about her uncle, he’s surprised to see a guy about his age sprinting towards them. His hands are full of shopping bags and he’s carrying a small pastel blue backpack with unicorns on one shoulder. When he finally reaches the bench, he seems out of breath and terribly worried.
"Sofia, que haces ahí? I looked for you everywhere!”
He crouches down to be closer to her and drops the bags on the ground to cradle her face between his palms, totally ignoring Wilhelm’s presence.
“I asked you to wait for me at the cash register. Do you know how scared I was? I thought you got abducted or something.” He seems to finally notice the chocolate on the corner of her mouth and wipes it off with his brows furrowed. “What are you eating anyway?"
Sofia's lower lip begins to quiver and she sniffles.
Oh no, Wilhelm thinks, she's going to cry.
Her uncle seems to draw the same conclusion because he suddenly wraps his arms around her.
"Sssh… it’s okay.” He whispers. “No te preocupes, no estoy enfadado, but we’ll definitely talk about this at home. You really scared me, Sofia."
Wilhelm hears her mumbling a “perdóname” into her uncle’s shoulder while she ties her small arms around his neck, but no tears are shed. They stay like this for a few seconds, lost in their own world, before her uncle finally draws back, kissing her forehead briefly as he rises to his feet.
“Come on now, let’s go.”
When he turns to face Wilhelm, finally acknowledging his presence, his expression shifts to one of embarrassement.
"I'm really sorry about that, I hope she didn’t bother you too much."
Wilhelm is quick to shake his head.
"Please, don’t apologize. She didn’t bother me at all."
The other boy closes his eyes briefly, a deep sigh rising in his chest before tugging the corners of his lips upwards.
And Wilhelm’s heart stutters against his ribs.
He's so bright.
Looking at his face is like watching beams of sunlight striking raindrops and throwing a prism of colour across the sky. Wilhelm distractedly notices that he and Sofia share the same smile as well as a set of deep brown eyes and dark curls. It’s funny how genetics work, Wilhelm always felt out of place in his own family, like he was picked out randomly at the hospital or exchanged at birth, but Sofia and her uncle look almost exactly the same.
Before his gloomy thoughts can take over, the boy’s voice forces Wilhelm to come back to his senses.
"Okay cool.” He helps Sofia down and hands her her backpack before turning to Wilhelm again. “It was nice meeting you. Thank you for not being a psychopath and not trying to kidnap my niece."
Wilhelm chokes down a laugh.
"You're welcome, I guess."
With one last smile directing at him, Sofia's uncle grabs her small hand in his and pulls her out of the park, but before they can cross the gate, she turns around one last time and shouts:
"Goodbye Mr. Banana cake!"
Wilhelm laughs to himself.
There is this warm feeling in his chest, spreading to the tip of his fingers and toes.
He doesn’t remember the last time he felt so happy and light.
Wilhelm doesn’t expect to cross path with Sofia and her uncle again, but life seems to have different plans for him.
They see each other three days later, on a Friday.
Wilhelm is forced to stop by the store near his workplace because it usually stays open past seven, and he was so immersed in his Excel sheets that he didn’t see the time pass. He’s reading over the labels of some pasta boxes when he recognizes the sound of Sofia’s voice and soon enough, the impact of a miniature rocket knocks the breath out of him as the little girl slams into him.
"Mr. Banana cake!" She shouts while hugging his legs. “I’m so happy you’re here!”
Wilhelm looks down, pondering over ruffling her hair or not before remembering he didn’t like people doing the same to him when he was that age. Instead, he takes a step back, grabbing Sofia’s hand to make her twirl, the fabric of her skirt following the movement. She lets out the most adorable giggle when he stops, her face raised towards him with a bright smile.
It looks like she wants to ask him something.
"Can you teach me how to make banana cake?"
Sofia's uncle, who seems to have only now caught up to them, covers his face with his hands to hide his blush. They’re pretty hands, Wilhelm notes. With long fingers and messily applied nail polish, probably Sofia’s work.
"Don’t you have something else to say Sofia?"
The little girl looks at her uncle, tongue pocking out of her mouth as she tries to remember. When she finally does, she lets out a small sound and bows down to Wilhelm very solemnly.
"I'm sorry I ate most of your cake last time."
"I'm sorry too," her uncle adds with a polite smile.
Wilhelm doesn’t know how to react.
"It's really not that serious.” He brushes his hair back. “You don’t have to apologize, I swear."
The other boy smiles again, wide enough for his nose to scrunch up in a very adorable way, before scratching the back of his head awkwardly. He starts swaying from one leg to the other, clearly nervous about something. But what? Finally, after a few seconds of awkward silence, he clears his throat.
"I know it's going to sound extremely weird. We don’t really know each other after all... But would you like to come by our place someday?”
Wilhelm opens his mouth in surprise, but before he can say anything, Sofia’s uncle speaks again.
“It’s just that Sofia couldn’t stop talking about that banana cake you made… And meeting you here today feels like some kind of fated destiny shit so I have to ask…" He bites his lips, bringing his hands together like he's praying. "Please, I’m an absolute disaster when it comes to baking… could you help me?”
It’s an odd request. Especially when Wilhelm could simply forward him the recipe or something, but the raw honesty he can read in the other boy’s eyes makes him feel compelled to say yes. He looks down at Sofia who is still standing to his right, the thrumming in his veins settling into a giddy warmth when she raises her thumbs up at him and stretches her lips into a big smile.
"It would be a pleasure. Should we exchange numbers?"
Sofia’s uncle looks relieved, the tension in his jaw gone.
"Give me your phone, I'll put my number in.”
Wilhelm lets him do just that, lower lip pulled between his teeth in the attempt not to start grinning like an idiot when he hands him back his phone and his eyes fall on his name. Simon. Sofia’s cute uncle’s name is Simon.
“You can just text me whenever you have a moment, and we’ll discuss details then."
Wilhelm nods.
“Thank you, Simon.”
That makes him wince.
"Fuck, I’m sorry." Simon says, cheeks turning a pretty shade of pink. "I just realized I still don’t know your name. I feel dumb for not asking before."
"It’s okay," Wilhelm chuckles. “My name is Wilhelm, but you can call me Wille.”
Sofia interjects before Simon can answer.
“I think I’ll call you Mr. Banana cake,” she says very seriously, staring up at him with her hands resting on her hips. “It suits you.”
“Sofia!” Simon calls out, embarrassed. “That’s not polite.”
Wilhelm crouches down so she can reach him more easily when he raises his hand in the air for a high five.
“Don’t worry, I kinda dig it.” He says to Simon with a wink. “Always wanted a cool nickname.”
This makes the other boy burst out giggling. His laughter, a beautiful, musical sound that floats over Wilhelm like something material, something he can reach out and touch with his fingers. His chest suddenly feels tight, and he adverts his gaze on the ground to hide the flush rising in his cheeks.
They part ways after that, Sofia walking backwards so she can wave at Wilhelm until they disappear behind the aisles. Wilhelm chuckles at her antics, going back to his shopping with a newfound energy. When Simon’s face reappears in his dreams later that night, it occurs to Wilhelm then, that it’s been years since he roused from this stupor of misery and sorrow gnawing at his heart. Things just never went back to normal after his brother’s death. The simple thought of Erik like the persistent anguish of an aching tooth. Hopeless and compulsive.
But Wilhelm doesn’t feel hopeless.
At least, not anymore.
Wilhelm checks the address on his phone one more time, glancing at the washed-out building and the broken window on the ground floor with hesitation. This is not what he had in mind when he pictured what kind of neighbourhood Simon would live in. The elevator is broken –because of course it is – so Wilhelm heads for the stairs, resolute to climb the three floors, even if the last time he exercised goes back to the time he went to boarding school.
He takes a few seconds to compose himself once he stands on Simon’s doorstep, his lungs burning slightly from exertion and the heat rendering his entire face flushed.
Before he can ring the bell however, Simon’s neighbors come out of their apartment.
Two girls about his age.
One with long wavy brown hair and the other with faded pink strands framing her face.
They both freeze when they notice him standing there, exchanging a glance that Wilhelm struggles to interpret. It makes him nervous. He’s never been comfortable with small talk and interacting with people he doesn’t know. Which is kind of ironic considering how easy it was for him to talk with Simon and Sofia. Wilhelm shakes his head, hiding his clammy hands in his pockets before nodding politely, too anxious to speak up.
“Hi,” The one with pastel hair says softly. “Are you there to see Simon?”
"Yes…” His brows furrow when they share another look. “Am I not on the right floor?”
There is no name next to the doorbell, but Wilhelm assumed this was Simon’s apartment given the number of drawings adorning the door.
The other girl offers him a reassuring smile.
"No, you’re right.” She turns to her friend – girlfriend, Wilhelm corrects himself after seeing the way her hand naturally finds its place around her waist – and their expressions turn bittersweet. “We’re just relieved to see Simon is back to having people over. He’s been very lonely and overworked since the accident, you know?”
The words catch Wilhelm off guard, and he presses his lips together.
He doesn’t know what they’re referring to, and it feels wrong somehow, to hear about something that seems so intimate out of anyone but Simon’s mouth. Wilhelm can see their concern and relief are sincere. They didn’t share this piece of information with him to gossip, but probably imagine he’s more than just some guy Simon met two times and happened to make plans with.
But it still feels wrong.
“Have a good afternoon,” he says politely, cutting the conversation short.
Wilhelm rings the bell, turning his back to them while he waits for Simon to open the door.
When he does, the girls already left, and Wilhelm can’t control the laughter that pours out of him at the sight of Simon. There are glitters smeared across his cheekbones, lipstick everywhere but on his lips, and the left side of his hair is parted in three ponytails.
Simon greets him with rosy cheeks.
“We were in the middle of something,” he explains, inviting Wilhelm in and helping with his coat.
“I can see that.”
He barely has time to take off his shoes before Sofia sprints to him and wraps her arms around his legs, just like she did in the store.
"Mr. Banana cake! You came!"
This time, Wilhelm succumbs to the urge and ruffles her hair affectionately.
"I did. Are you ready to bake today?"
Sofia’s smile is almost as bright as the glint in her eyes.
"Do you want anything to drink?" Simon asks.
He must have left at some point and come back because there is no trace of make up on his face anymore, and his hair is back to his usual mop of brown curls. Wilhelm wonders if they would feel as soft as Sofia’s under his fingers before hastily stopping that train of thoughts.
What is wrong with him?
“Hm… I could drink tea, if you have some.”
“Would peppermint be okay?”
For some reason, this makes a warm feeling build just below Wilhelm's belly button, and he turns his head to the side, taking into the light blue walls.
“It’s my favourite, actually.”
“Perfect.”
Wilhelm hates the way his heart stutters at the smile he can hear in Simon’s voice.
"Wait! I wanna help," Sofia shouts, trailing after her uncle.
Wilhelm takes advantage of their absence to explore the rest of the appartement, his eyes taking into his surroundings with curiosity.
The bathroom isn’t big enough to contain a bathtub, instead there is a shower stall and a crowded sink. Wilhelm’s nose picks up on a very nice smell lingering in the air, the way it does when you blow out a candle. A heady mix of amber, lemon peel and eucalyptus. The smell guides him to Simon’s room, but since the door is closed and Wilhelm doesn’t want to pry, he walks towards the living room instead. The rug on the floor is a deep burgundy that matches the curtains, and the bookshelf is filled with DVDs, books and plasticine figurines made by a child, but it otherwise feels very empty and impersonal.
There are no pictures on the walls, no frames on the coffee table either, and no trace of any plant.
There is no life.
It’s tiny too, the whole appartement consisting of two rooms if Wilhelm doesn’t count the kitchen and the bathroom, and some of the paint on the ceiling is peeling off.
But at least, the couch is comfortable.
Wilhelm comes back to himself at the sound of Sofia’s careful steps on the floorboards. She’s carrying a small tray with two fuming mugs, her tongue pocking out in concentration while Simon follows close behind, his eyebrows knitted in worry, ready to catch her if she trips. They’re both so adorable, it makes a comforting warmth wash over Wilhelm in waves.
The rest of the afternoon is spent baking.
Wilhelm fulfils his promise and teaches them how to make banana bread.
They laugh when Sofia volunteers as tribute to clean up the bowl of melted chocolate with her fingers, and Wilhelm has to innovate since Simon doesn’t own any measuring cup. But it turns out pretty okay in the end. Wilhelm enjoys himself tremendously, a lot more than he first thought he would. There could have been many ways for this day to feel awkward, but by the time the sun is setting outside, Wilhelm’s stomach is hurting from how hard he laughed.
And now that their time together is coming to an end, Wilhelm feels strangely sad.
Fortunately, he’s not the only one.
"Can’t you stay?" Sofia asks with a pout.
She’s clinging onto Wilhelm's arm, refusing to let him go.
He looks into Simon’s eyes, watching him scratch the back of his head with a sigh.
"I mean... After everything you did for us... The least we could do would be to have you over for dinner. If you don’t have anything planned of course."
Wilhelm thinks about his empty appartement and the leftovers waiting for him in the fridge.
“I’d love to stay with you a little longer.”
Sofia lets out an elated scream, jumping up and down like an overexcited puppy.
While Simon is on the phone, ordering pizzas, the little girl tugs Wilhelm to the bedroom and introduces him to all her stuffed animals. Wilhelm makes sure his entire attention is devoted to her, repeating their names when she tells him and asking questions about their likes and dislikes, but he can’t help his eyes from roaming freely around the room. It’s smaller than his, with one side neat and tidy and the other cluttered with toys. When he lies down on the carpet to let Sofia draw on his face with a special pen, Wilhelm finds himself contemplating the sticky stars glued to the ceiling. They’re the kind that glow in the dark. Wilhelm is very familiar with them, having grown up scared of the shadows.
Simon joins them a couple of minutes later, the glimmer in his eyes rippling through Wilhelm like raindrops on the surface of water. As he watches Sofia and Simon bicker about the drawings on his face, Wilhelm feels oddly at ease and comfortable. So much so, that he wouldn't be surprised if he started flying and found a place amongst the stars glued to the ceiling.
Later, Sofia insists on watching a cartoon while she eats, and despite protesting at first, Simon ends up indulging her, powerless against her puppy eyes. The little voice inside Wilhelm’s head tells him Simon might have done this so they could have a moment alone, just the two of them, but it sounds a lot like hope and Wilhelm doesn’t want to go down that road.
While Sofia takes over the living room, Wilhelm and Simon eat their pizzas cramped up in the small kitchen. Their knees don’t quite knock under the counter, but their feet keep bumping together, and Wilhelm tries to pretend his pulse doesn’t quicken at every single touch.
It’s been a while since he sat down and really took the time to talk with someone like this.
Even longer since he let someone inside his comfort zone.
But Simon makes it easy, with his knack for conversation and infectious smiles. Wilhelm is perfectly content to listen as the other boy chatters away about this new show he started watching, or how disappointed he was by Beyoncé’s recent album. Simon has this thing about him, where he manages to make even the most trivial thing sound absolutely fascinating. By the time their plates are empty, Wilhelm is pretty sure Simon is the most interesting person he’s ever met.
Sofia is asleep on the couch when they go check on her, both of her fists held up to her chest. The ease with which Simon cradles her in his arms without her budging speaks of the number of times this exact same thing must have happened before. He leaves the room, presumably to lie her down into a real bed, leaving Wilhelm alone and growing increasingly aware of the fact that he doesn’t have any excuse to overstay his welcome. His watch indicates nine pm. He really should go home if he doesn’t want to have to wait thirty minutes in-between transportations.
Not wanting to leave the impression of an impolite guest, Wilhelm brings the dishes to the sink and starts washing them, stopping only when he feels Simon’s fingers around his wrist. Wilhelm is wearing a long-sleeved shirt, so there is no direct contact with his skin and yet, it doesn’t stop the tingles from going up his arm and settle deep in his chest, leaving him a little breathless.
Shit, he’s so touch starved it’s pathetic.
"You don’t need to do this," Simon says softly. "We have a dishwasher."
"Oh." Wilhelm answers, embarrassed.
Simon’s nose scrunches up as he smiles, and Wilhelm is overtaken with the sudden need to annihilate the distance between them and wrap himself around him like a koala. He doesn’t. Because he knows this wouldn’t be socially acceptable, and the last thing Wilhelm wants is to make Simon uncomfortable. He’s not even sure they’re friends, even though it sure looks that way, especially when Simon nods in the direction of the door.
"You took the bus to get here, right?”
“Yes?”
“I’ll walk with you to the bus stop then.”
Wilhelm’s face catches on fire.
"That’s very nice of you, but you really don’t have to– "
"I have to go to work anyway," Simon cuts him off, putting on his coat.
Wilhelm freezes in the middle of tying his shoelaces.
"You’re gonna leave Sofia alone?"
Simon throws him a side look while he opens the door.
"Nah. A friend of mine is coming in a few minutes to watch over her."
Wilhelm watches as Simon locks the door behind them, biting the inside of his cheek to keep quiet. There is a question burning on his tongue, but he’s got the feeling he knows the answer to it already, and he doesn’t want to ruin the moment they spent together by bringing up something painful.
As it turns out, he doesn’t need to.
Simon waits until they’re standing outside his building to raise his head and look at him, a sigh passing the barrier of his lips as his expression darkens.
"My mom and sister passed away about a year ago."
Wilhelm feels like he’s just been punched in the stomach. The haunted look in Simon’s eyes, the way he carries himself, as if the weight of the world is resting on his shoulders, the absence of pictures in his appartement, and all the signs pointing to the fact that Sofia is living there with him.
It all makes sense.
"I’m sorry."
Simon shrugs, looking to the side before starting to walk.
"It is what it is… I guess I owe you the whole story now though, right?"
Wilhelm frowns, grabbing Simon by the sleeve of his coat, forcing him to stop. He makes sure that their eyes are locked, feeling a little bit out of breath. The expression on Simon’s face is all too familiar to him, it’s like looking into a mirror. He understands the ache that must be tearing Simon’s soul, and how hard it can be to put yourself through the ordeal of sharing the story with people and go through all that pain all over again.
"You don’t owe me anything,” Wilhelm says softly. “I’ll listen if you want to share, but we could totally start talking about the weather and I promise, I wouldn’t ask you anything else.”
Simon doesn’t answer with words but there is gratitude in his eyes. He runs his tongue over his lips, taking a moment to sort through his thoughts before nodding slowly.
"I want to tell you.”
“Okay.”
Wilhelm lets him go, and they start walking again.
He supposes it must be easier for Simon to speak if he doesn’t have to maintain eye contact for too long. He can’t say he doesn’t relate.
“My sister had Sofia when she was pretty young. Nineteen…” Simon huffs, looking at the sky. “The guy she was seeing at the time bailed, of course he did, but she wanted to keep the baby anyway.” He’s shaking his head but there is a faint smile on his lips, probably from thinking about Sofia. “She managed everything awfully well considering the situation, but last year, around Lucia…”
Simon’s voice trails off and he abruptly stops walking, wrapping his arms around his torso, clutching at his elbows.
“They got into a car accident. My mom was driving and Sofia…” His voice breaks, dulled with sorrow. “She’s the only one who made it out alive.” Simon shakes his head, taking a few shuttering breaths before letting out a sardonic laugh. “It was so fucked. The car got wrecked but somehow none of the damage happened to the back… like it was fated or something.”
Simon wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his coat angrily before hurrying up his step.
“Anyway… I – I didn’t want my grandparents to take Sofia since they don’t live in Sweden and they barely even know her, so I’ve been taking care of her instead. I work as a waiter in a pub on the week-end and I tutor some students while Sofia is at school."
Wilhelm lets out a breath.
“Fuck.”
Simon laughs a little at that, kicking the dead leaves at his feet.
“Yeah, it’s really shitty, but we’re managing… for now at least.”
He said the last part while smiling a little, but Wilhelm can see through him easily.
He wants to reach out and let Simon know that he’s familiar with that pain, and how unfair it is that the people they love the most got taken away from them. He wants to praise his courage and his kindness for taking care of his niece despite not being older than Wilhelm himself probably. But most of all, Wilhelm wants to make him realize he’s not alone in this.
He hesitates for a few seconds, shuffling on his feet before stepping forward and drawing Simon into a hug. The other boy stiffens at first, a small noise coming out of his throat, but ends up relaxing in his embrace, wrapping his own arms around Wilhelm so tightly, that both of their breathing hitch. Simon is smaller than him by a couple of inches, which means Wilhelm can rest his chin on top of his head comfortably while Simon’s nose presses against the side of his neck.
None of them seems to want this moment to end, so Wilhelm wets his lips nervously, his heartbeat speeding up at what he’s about to say.
“My brother died in a car accident too, when I was sixteen.”
It still hurts, speaking the words out loud.
Simon falters in his grasp, but doesn’t try to pull away.
“Shit. I’m so sorry.” There is a small pause before he speaks again, his voice smaller now, barely even a whisper. “Does it get better?”
Wilhelm doesn’t ask him what he means by that, he knows.
Instead, he takes time to ponder over the question for a moment.
He had missed his brother so badly in the beginning.
It had been a physical longing, like a craving for air underwater. Wilhelm recalls many nights spent lying awake in bed, as he attempted to freeze the best memories of Erik in his mind, terrified that he would ever forget the specific shade of his eyes or the sound of his laughter. How even today, years after it happened, he sometimes finds himself drifting uneasily between dreaming and sleeping, only to wake up with the sound of Erik’s voice speaking so clearly in his head, that it’s like he never died.
But then it comes back to him.
And the remembering itself is like injury all anew.
It’s not only the fact that his brother died, and Wilhelm will never get to see him again. But the knowledge that every new event in his life will only serve to separate them more and more... That’s what truly wrecks him still. The unfairness of it all, like a bruise that never seems to fade. How could he ever be okay while knowing that every single day for the rest of his life, the last memory of his brother will only get further away?
“Not really.” Wilhelm ends up saying, fighting back tears. “You just learn to live with it.”
Simon hums against his neck, the warmth of his breath making goosebumps break all over his skin. Wilhelm ignores this feeling inside of him that seems to be pulling him in two different directions, focusing instead on the soothing force brought by this moment.
When Simon finally puts some distance between them, one of his hands stays on Wilhelm’s shoulder. The weight of it, a strong, comforting pressure, like an anchor letting him know that everything will be okay. And Wilhelm can only smile at Simon while the earth beneath his feet shifts under the profound conviction that:
This is good.
This person is safe.
Wilhelm can trust him; nothing will hurt him anymore.