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Remus had begun to realize that certain things about Sirius made him extremely nervous.
In fact he had always known, in a way, that there would always be something about Sirius that would make him nervous— there were always those looks, those smirks on the side, his energy, the confidence, the acknowledgement that he was untouchable and powerful. And it used to be about that, at least. In the old days Sirius would make Remus nervous just by touching his arm, the contact of his fingers against the skin, against the scars. Sirius never looked at Remus and saw an ugly, strange creature, even with all the bruises and weird behavior. No, quite the contrary. Sirius had always been kind to him. Had always smiled and patted his head and laughed with him, never at him.
And maybe it wasn't Remus' fault that he had eventually fallen in love with him— Many other people, too, had fallen in love with Sirius Black. It wasn't really hard, not when he was trying to be the cocky one who made all the girls sigh for him. But Remus always knew that those feelings would never be reciprocated. First because Sirius— well, Sirius made sure to show him how uninterested in Remus he was in that regard. Even when Remus would just tease, try to make a joke, say that yes, they were so close, almost like a couple, Sirius always seemed so u ncomfortable.
Remus didn't know if what bothered him was the fact that Sirius just couldn't even laugh with him at that sort of thing, or if he was bothered by the fact that Sirius might feel disgusted by the idea of them— of two men being together. They never talked openly about it, and Remus also always avoided even suggesting to the Marauders that he actually liked men, but it was always there— that obviousness, the fact that Remus always denied all the girls who came to talk to him.
James and Peter never mentioned anything, but Remus had the impression that they knew. That they knew he liked men, that he was queer. But maybe that wasn't really surprising to them. Remus was also, after all, a werewolf. Being queer was hardly the most surprising thing about Remus, or the strangest. But Sirius— Sirius was different. At times he seemed to suggest that he knew, that it was okay, because he no longer pressed Remus about the girls he turned down, seemed happy, in fact, that Remus no longer wanted anything to do with them, but then —
But then Sirius would change completely, and go back to telling Remus that he needed to stop turning down the pretty girls who came to talk to him, that he was a good-looking guy and any of them would be lucky to have him, and that if Remus didn't accept any of them soon, maybe people would start thinking— Thinking what? That he was bent? Sirius never completed the sentence, never went beyond that suggestion, but it bothered Remus that he might think negatively about what he was.
And although he considered himself quite foolish, especially when it came to people he cared about, Remus decided that he was going to ignore this matter. He was going to ignore the fact that there was a chance that Sirius knew about him and was trying to not at all subtly "fix" him. Because Remus knew that if he focused on that, he wouldn't be able to be friends with Sirius anymore, and despite that uncomfortable detail, and despite the fact that Remus really liked him romantically, he also treasured their friendship terribly. He would never put their friendship at risk if he could, and because of that Remus also focused on trying to stop loving Sirius.
In a way, the events of fifth year and the sudden friendship with Severus really were good things for Remus. The event itself— that wasn't good, of course, but it gave him the perfect excuse to not have to talk to Sirius for quite some time. Not that Remus thought that way when it all happened, of course. No, he was too angry at the time to even think about such things, but the estrangement from Sirius proved good for him. Good because Remus was finally able to have some time to himself, and good because that estrangement gave him the chance to get closer to Severus.
This friendship, this relationship with Severus was surprising to Remus. He caught himself all the time marvelling and mesmerised at how compatible and similar they were, and how Severus, though moody and sometimes too sarcastic, also managed to be sweet and kind. And of course, Remus was also amazed at Severus' ability to forgive— even though Remus had almost killed him, even though he didn't know about Sirius' plans, Severus was still able to look him in the eye and tell him it was okay.
Severus made him comfortable— and shouldn't it be crazy that Severus Snape was the person who made Remus Lupin most comfortable? If you told that to anyone at school, they'd say it was an insane idea. Because even if Remus didn't actively participate in the bullying, he was still a Marauder, and everyone knew that Marauders especially hated Severus Snape. But it was true, and Remus stopped trying to fight that feeling after he realised how good he felt.
It wasn't natural for Remus to be cruel. In fact, since being bitten, one of the things Remus avoided most was actively and consciously being cruel, because that was something he could control. When he transformed, Remus was just an animal— and he was mean and hungry and violent. But when he was just Remus, a seemingly human wizard, he could smile and help people instead of hurting them. He was mindful. Still, the fact that he didn't feel natural within the cruelties of Sirius and James never made him take any action to stop them.
Only after he and Severus got closer did Remus manage to take a stand, but even then it took too long. If Remus had said something earlier, if he had had the courage earlier, could Severus and him have been friends before? Or maybe they could have all been friends— It sounded quite impossible, but part of Remus was sure that if they weren't all stubborn, they could have been friends. James always found sarcasm a funny response, Peter had an interest in muggle literature and Sirius—
Sirius, though he denied it, had an interest in dark matters. One couldn't grow up in a house like his and not think about such things, after all. Even if Sirius' interest was purely academic, or perhaps in this case just a passing curiosity, Remus knew that he and Severus could spend hours talking about it if one day they could put aside their prejudices towards each other. But it was too late now, they already hated each other beyond the possibility of a friendship, or at least Remus thought they did.
Remus would never expect Sirius and Severus to be able to converse civilly. No, Remus would probably have to watch hell freeze over before that happened. But suddenly they were sitting there, talking normally, and Severus was laughing—
Part of Remus, as his friendship with Severus developed, felt content with the fact that in a way, Severus was his. Severus didn't have many friends even in Slytherin, because most of them followed purist ideals. Not only that, but Severus was a naturally introverted person, and making friends was never an easy thing for him, mainly because of the rather bitter mood he carried. But Severus had Lily, he had Remus— And Remus was happy about that, as bad as it sounded. As selfish as it was.
But there he was, feeling anger at Sirius— jealous because of Sirius. Because of Severus Snape. Remus wished he could talk about it with someone, but he knew that anyone would call him crazy. Not just because of the situation, or because he liked boys, but also because probably no one in the castle would bother to be jealous of Severus Snape while Sirius Black was involved.
And wasn't it ironic that Remus somehow now loved them both? That despite knowing that Sirius could never like him back, Remus still couldn't let go of that feeling? And yet, to admit that he liked Severus— it even sounded evil that Remus liked two boys. It made him feel dirty, maybe— not because they were boys, of course, but because it was greedy of Remus to want them both. At least, in a way, Severus and he could still be together.
But it didn't please Remus that despite the possibility that he might one day have something with Severus, he still occasionally thought about Sirius. It wasn't the sort of thing he would want to think about while he was with anyone, really. Even if he liked them both differently, the romantic feeling was similar. But that didn't matter anymore, at least not now. Because now Remus was angry with Sirius, and he couldn't think coherently about anything.
Remus didn't know exactly where this anger came from. Some of it was just jealousy— silly, childish jealousy. But another part was deeper, perhaps rooted in some kind of self-esteem problem, because when Remus looked at Severus and Sirius acting cordially towards each other, he couldn't help but think that maybe he wasn't good enough for either of them— that maybe Sirius liked boys, just didn't like him, and that Severus was just another one of the people who only approached Remus in the hope of having a bit of Sirius.
Either way, they were ugly feelings. That kind of human feeling that people are usually unable to avoid, but try to hide at all costs. The problem was that Remus wasn't good at hiding things, especially when he was angry. He blamed it on the wolf. If he wasn't part werewolf, Remus genuinely believed he could put aside that annoyance and act normal with Sirius, but he was ruled by a more intense part of him sometimes, and that part was especially protective when it came to Severus— not that Remus knew why yet.
Perhaps part of Remus' anger also came from a feeling of revolt for Severus— because Sirius had tried to kill him, and even then— Merlin, even then Severus was treating him well. Remus still caught himself hurt by what had happened, bitter at the thought that for Sirius the whole thing was just a silly prank, but he wasn't the one who had almost been attacked by a werewolf. If anything, Remus admired Severus' strength to stay in school, to be his friend—
And now he was getting closer to Sirius, the boy who had almost killed him. Severus, despite all the flaws people loved to point out in him, had a good heart— maybe too good. And Remus found himself annoyed by him at times.
Remus selfishly thought that Sirius wasn't good enough for Severus. But he also deprecated thinking that way about himself, so— so there was nothing new about it. Maybe he was never going to think anyone was good enough for Severus Snape, just like he used to think no one was good enough for Sirius Black, and like Remus thought he wasn't good enough for anyone.
Werewolf. A dangerous creature—
"Moony!" Sirius smiled as he saw him in the Gryffindor communal hall, but it was a rather forced smile. Of course, Remus could hardly blame him for his hesitation, mostly because of the tension between them that had only intensified with the recent friendship between Sirius and Severus "What are you doing?"
Sirius sat down at Remus' feet, who was in a leather armchair that had probably felt more ass than any other piece of furniture in the castle, but it was comfortable and warm and close enough to the fireplace. Looking at him, who was smiling despite the tension, with a kindness and loyalty that was almost too intense, Remus could again see why he had fallen in love with Sirius— he was beautiful, of course, but Sirius was so— well, Sirius.
"Nothing." Remus shrugged, "I was just doing some thinking."
"Ah." Sirius nodded, sounding a little disappointed by the answer, almost as if he wished Remus was busy with something, and not just ignoring him "Do you want to play something? Maybe a game of Exploding Snap?"
"I don't know, I'm a little distracted today." Remus sighed, relaxing into the upholstery and closing his eyes. He was tired, somehow, even though he had done absolutely nothing all day. He just thought— thought too much, maybe, but nothing beyond his normal self deprecating thoughts.
"Did something happen?" Sirius asked, and Remus opened his eyes only to look at him. The two of them knew exactly that nothing had happened, at least nothing tangible, nothing concrete. But the two of them were not okay, and Sirius was certainly asking this in an attempt to have Remus talk to him.
Remus craned his head, unable to look away from Sirius, "Be honest with me, why are you and Severus trying to be friends now?"
Sirius looked away, which was new— he usually had no trouble returning what Remus offered him. In fact, Sirius usually over-rewarded him. Every kind of attention Remus gave him, Sirius would reciprocate much more intensely without a second thought.
"If you want me to be honest, it's because of you."
"Because of me?" Remus frowned.
"Because of you." Sirius nodded, squirming gently where he was sitting on the floor "Severus and I came to the conclusion that you would be happy if we acted civilised. And that it would be easier, too, just to coexist in general, because you wouldn't stop being my friend for Severus, just as you wouldn't stop being Severus' friend for me. We thought you'd be happy, but—" Sirius frowned too, suddenly annoyed "But somehow I feel like you hate me now, so..."
"Oh." Remus muttered, his eyes wide "I-I don't-I don't hate you, Pads."
In an act of sudden courage, or perhaps just tremendous dissatisfaction, Sirius lifted his face and faced Remus with a disgruntled, disbelieving expression. Remus couldn't blame him for not believing what he had said, after all he had been treating Sirius coldly recently.
"I'm serious, Pads, I don't hate you." Remus whispered, perhaps a little sad, because it was just the opposite. He loved Sirius, and Sirius could never know— or reciprocate, or feel the same.
"Why have you been so angry, then?" Sirius asked, with a pout on his lips.
Remus pondered speaking the truth. Or at least part of it, to be fairer. Telling Sirius that he liked Severus, and that he wasn't used to sharing him yet, and that, yes, it was jealousy and it was selfishness and it was greed, and that none of those feelings suited someone like Remus, but that he was trying to get better, that it was the first time Remus had ever liked someone and actually felt like he could be together with that person, and that because of that— because of that he didn't make good or healthy decisions, but that he liked Severus— he loved Severus, maybe, and that the suddenness of their friendship bothered him.
But Remus couldn't speak the truth, not yet, not out loud. Because speaking out loud might also be admitting once and for all that he should give up his feelings for Sirius, and despite how bad that sounded, Remus wasn't ready to give up yet— and he knew it was pointless, knew that liking Sirius would never change the fact that he didn't like boys or just didn't like him, but the feeling was still too new, too fresh, and Remus had just realized how he felt about Severus, even though he undeniably still felt for Sirius. He was too confused to tell the truth— whatever the truth was.
"I think— I think I just got nervous, or afraid of you— of you two fighting." Remus muttered, always finding it hard to lie "I don't think I could bear to see you fight, and I couldn't possibly choose between the two of you. And—I couldn't— Oh, Sirius, I could never choose between the two of you."
Sirius was silent, staring at him with a passive, almost purposefully blank face. Remus hadn't lied in totality, because he knew that between Sirius and Severus, he'd rather hurt himself than put one of them aside and choose the other, but even so, the fact that the half-truth had been uttered for the sake of that context still left him with a bitter taste in his mouth, because Remus genuinely disliked lies and deception. Still, it was the best decision. He couldn't risk opening up to Sirius about it.
"Moony— I know it's hard to trust me after that, but me and Sev—" Sirius huffed, and Remus did his best not to growl upon hearing Sirius call Severus that way "Me and Sev are doing our best, and I found out that, well, he's not that bad. I can almost understand why you two have become friends." Sirius gave a nervous chuckle, again looking away "We're not going to fight, Moony, you don't have to worry."
"I trust you, Sirius." Remus admitted, a subtle smile on his lips "I just don't—"
"You don't trust me with Severus." Sirius stared at him and nodded, as if he already knew "It's okay, Moony, I know, I understand. I'll prove to you— to both of you— that I know how to behave. I want to make things right now."
"All this just for me, Sirius? You decided to put aside your hatred for Severus all of a sudden, just for me?"
Sirius hesitated for a moment, looked away again— and Remus knew then.
"Just because of you, Moony."
He was lying.