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Severus, used to silence, especially those uncomfortable ones, could almost find the situation funny.
He wouldn't laugh, not there in front of the two of them, not at that moment. Perhaps later, when he was in the privacy of his own chambers— when he could actually loosen up a little, and assimilate how ridiculous that situation was. How ridiculous it was to have Remus Lupin and Sirius Black in the same environment, but acting awkward and uncomfortable, as if they weren't best friends. If he didn't know them, Severus could almost claim that they were mortal enemies— And wasn't that funny to think about? Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, mortal enemies?
But maybe Severus was being mean— he naturally revelled in that sort of thing, that human discomfort, that curious agitation. And that was, after all, a weird situation from the start, so it was only fair that the two Gryffindors were feeling equally uncomfortable.
Severus didn't think things would go this far. No, he was pretty sure they would end terribly bad. Before, when Remus had tried to get close, at first, when he didn't trust him, when Severus didn't know him very well— Before, then, Severus had already thought that things between the two of them would never be okay. But Remus proved him wrong, as he always seemed to do— Remus was good. Remus was good and loyal and fair. He was scared, yes, he was a coward for many things, but he was learning and changing, and Severus was comfortable around him.
Then, when Sirius Black suggested that they should become closer— and what an idea that was, that Sirius Black and Severus Snape were to become friends— Then, Severus thought that it would finally be over. Because although he understood, although he believed that he and Remus were friends, close friends even, Severus had the impression that his importance should not be compared to the importance of any of the Marauders. And it was only a matter of time before Black got frustrated with something, blamed Severus, and Remus decided to walk away from him as well.
But to Severus' surprise, that wasn't what happened. Perhaps he was terribly used to putting himself under everything, even the most petty and stupid things and people, used to making himself smaller and invisible, as Lily and Remus said he continually did, and that was why the surprise was so overwhelming— and it was sad to think that he was surprised, still, at kindnesses, at being chosen— or, in this case, at not being left out completely for no reason at all.
Sirius Black somehow didn't get frustrated with Severus Snape, and the truce between them, started only to benefit Remus and his peace of mind, turned out to be an agreement that eventually favoured both of them more than the werewolf— they were on civil terms, and Severus could almost tell there was something about Black's presence that could be appreciated. The boy wasn't stupid, on the contrary, he proved to be very intelligent, and he liked to read as well. Remus didn't— he had no interest in books or studying in general, at least not like Severus had.
Remus didn't think about experiments and research, or going beyond the books. He said he already had difficulty with studies in what they were normally like, and that thinking beyond them sometimes confused him. But he wasn't dumb— by no means, Severus thought him the most efficient boy at Charms he knew, but it was sometimes tedious studying with Remus and his dislike of theories. Black, surprisingly, appreciated those nuances much more. He listened to Severus carefully, genuinely interested, and added suggestions that lengthened the theories rather than cut them dry.
Eventually their enmity became less intense, and Severus could almost stop himself from flinching at Sirius' every odd move, as if expecting him to attack him. Of course, they were not friends. Severus couldn't call a person who had tried to kill him a friend— he doubted that he could ever, in fact, forget that day, forget what Black had done, what Black had made Remus do— and Severus knew they couldn't build a friendship on top of that, not until Severus had forgiven him completely.
But they treated each other well, and were able to talk normally now. Sometimes Black irritated him deeply, but Severus soon learned that this was something of his— he did it with everyone, apparently. It was Black's nature to be unpredictable and sometimes insensitive, and even though Severus found that to be a terrible trait, he wasn't that different— and wasn't it terrible, to think that he and Sirius Black had something in common? That in certain parts, they were mirrors of each other? Severus shivered just thinking about it.
He thought, perhaps, that Remus would be apprehensive about their closeness at first, when he and Black still treated each other with suspicion, when Severus flinched every time Black even made mention of moving a little too quickly, and Black seemed to share the same sentiment, because he had intended to keep their truce a secret from everyone. So Severus did the same, decided to keep their encounters in the library a secret, at least at first, while they weren't yet good enough at pretending, at acting natural.
But over time, they curiously adjusted well to each other, and now it was safe to tell Remus, because he — Merlin knows his big heart — would probably be happy for both of them, happy that his two friends were letting go of uncomfortable situations. Severus thought Remus would be overjoyed, as he always was when something good happened in his life, and he was honestly hoping for it— because he loved to see Remus happy. He loved his smile, his golden eyes shining in jubilation. It was contagious.
Remus, however, did not react as they had expected— no, Remus immediately became suspicious. And that perhaps should have been expected by Severus and Black, but they thought that in time Remus would see that they were genuinely on good terms, and that he would eventually relax. But Remus never relaxed around them— never looked comfortable, never smiled. In fact, Remus would become closed off and irritated, especially with Sirius, and Severus wanted to laugh at that— he wanted to find it funny, seeing the two of them in that very atypical situation— but he cared, unfortunately, about Remus, and he didn't like seeing him like that.
And of course, despite all his efforts, Severus felt some sort of compassion and pity for Black, so part of that discontent was for him as well.
Severus didn't know why Remus acted this way with them, but he caught himself especially curious about the animosity between Remus and Sirius. While he knew that things between the two of them hadn't been good recently, he hadn't expected Remus to act so openly with his own discontents, especially in front of Severus. He was usually a more restrained boy than that, and didn't like to show his dissatisfaction with anything in front of people, especially since he felt he was lucky enough already —as if having the right to study among them was something he should deserve, and not a basic right of any witch.
Black looked equally confused, and he had already confided in Severus that Remus had been treating him with a weird coldness ever since he found out about the meetings between the two of them. Remus wouldn't stay away, he couldn't seem to get completely away from the supernova that was Sirius Black, but he was also doing everything he could to show a kind of irritation, an intangible, confused dissatisfaction. And Black apparently didn't know what he had done wrong to irritate Remus, but he suspected it had to do with Severus.
Severus. What was possibly angering Remus was a secret, but Black thought it had to do with him— yet it wasn't his fault, Severus was sure. Because Remus was still Remus, despite the sudden coldness when Black made any mention of speaking. Remus was still smiling at him, still trying to tidy Severus's hair, still looking at him with those same golden eyes full of a gentleness that could drown anyone.
To say that Severus was confused by everything that was happening was an understatement.
He still had a hard time seeing Remus treating Sirius Black the way he was treating him— because before, when they were getting closer, Severus had been absolutely certain that Remus liked Black, and that Black felt the same way about him. It was kind of obvious, actually. Painfully obvious. And Severus used to be jealous of their relationship, of the way Remus talked openly about everything he and Sirius had, of how adoration was visible on his face. He used to wish they had something like that, always very greedy. But then he found out that they weren't together— that Black didn't like boys.
That was something Severus still couldn't understand, because he was so sure— and Severus usually wasn't wrong about such things, too used to envying people around him for having relationships like that, beautiful relationships, where both people deserve to be loved, used to observing and imagining similar things for himself, even if it was impossible— Severus was sure that Black felt something for Remus that went beyond friendship, beyond loyalty, between whatever the two of them had. But Remus was so insistent that Black didn't like boys, and Severus didn't think himself capable of doubting his certainty. They were best friends, after all.
It was weird— and Severus almost wanted to ask Lily what she thought about it, but Lily had been acting weird recently, and he didn't want to touch that at the moment, not while things were good recently— or better than usual, maybe.
"Sirius, you talk too much. Don't you realise that Sev is trying to study?" Remus complained, visibly frustrated.
Black, who had been excitedly telling Severus about the time he found a strange artefact in the house, shut up immediately, embarrassed. Remus seemed to have regretted it, too, if his frown indicated anything, but he soon recovered, turning back to face Sirius with dissatisfaction.
"Oh, well— Hum… Sorry, Sev." Sirius muttered, embarrassed.
Severus still didn't like hearing Black calling him Sev— it was personal, it was just Lily and Remus's, but he didn't have the heart to say that to Black, not after Remus had scolded him so bluntly.
"It's all right." Severus huffed, straightening himself in his chair. Remus was staring at him as if he expected something— and that frustrated Severus, because he couldn't read minds, even though he wished he could learn. "I don't care."
Somehow, even the most polite and kind response he managed seemed to further frustrate Remus. Severus could almost hear him growling— and they were nowhere near the day of the full moon, which made the whole thing even stranger.
"It's all right, Sev. Just remember that you don't have to keep entertaining Sirius if you want to study."
Sirius looked offended, "Hey! I'll tell you, I never get in Sev's way when he wants to study! I know how to be quiet, okay?"
Remus directed him an ugly look, but said nothing more. Severus could almost feel the air between them choking him— whatever was bothering Remus needed to be resolved soon.
"Black's already gone, Remus, you scared him away with your mean glare, so you can stop huffing now." Severus commented, smiling as he noticed a slight blush on the werewolf's face.
"A-Ah— I just wanted to make sure he wasn't getting in your way, Sev." Remus muttered, clearly embarrassed.
Severus stared at him with narrowed eyes, full of distrust of his friend's words, but eventually sighed, too tired to argue with him, but too curious to let the subject suddenly die. In a final push, he decided to ask "Why have you been so weird recently?"
Remus looked away for a moment, almost as if he was unable to tell even a lie. The sun that had been shyly streaming in through the large window at the end of the table dipped into his light brown hair as Remus's head tilted to the side, making a few strands appear as golden as the colour of his eyes. Severus suppressed another sigh, this time a sigh of admiration, a passionate, foolish sigh. It wasn't surprising to him that Remus was handsome— Severus had had that conclusion for a few years now, he wasn't blind, after all. Still, it was always a new feeling to have him so close and to be able to watch without being cursed at.
The only thing that reassured Severus about their friendship was that Remus was and seemingly forever would be incapable of understanding the feelings of others, or at least when it came to romantic feelings. He certainly never understood all the girls who tried to throw themselves at his feet over the years, and even when Severus pointed out the obvious about Black, Remus remained obtuse and stubborn. Severus didn't know exactly why Remus so vehemently refused the idea that people could apparently like him, or be attracted to him, and he'd honestly given up asking.
At least that way, as long as they were friends, Remus wouldn't realise that Severus liked him— or, if he were to realise it one day, either because someone else pointed out the odd way Severus looked at him and talked to him or because Severus decided to confess, he wouldn't make a big deal of the situation, and eventually everything would go back to normal. Because Remus was kind. Remus was kind and honest and fair— he would never use Severus' feelings as a form of humiliation, he couldn't bear to tarnish the nature of something so beautiful and simple even if the person was Severus.
It was almost ironic that Severus had fallen in love with a person like Remus. Or maybe he was just depreciative, and couldn't understand how a heart like his would choose a person like Remus. Either way, it wasn't as if Severus expected anything from these feelings. He more than anyone understood that Remus was too good a person for him, and when you have other people competing for that love— especially people like Sirius Black, who despite all his flaws, had some sort of appeal— Severus knew that he wouldn't even be considered a valid opponent.
For Severus, it was a matter of time before Black finally came to terms with himself and began to pursue Remus romantically— just as it was a matter of time before Remus reciprocated his feelings, because in Severus' opinion, there was such a deep affection for Sirius Black within Remus Lupin that he doubted anyone could replace him.
And Severus was— well, he accepted that. He was accepting it because from the beginning, when he realized he felt things for Remus that he shouldn't feel, Severus already knew that he couldn't have him. And Black, even though Severus still disliked him tremendously, Black was— Black was attractive, and apparently, once you become an important person to him, Black could be kind and loyal and caring too. Not that it mattered much, because Severus had the impression that even if Sirius Black wasn't like that, Remus Lupin would still like him, somehow.
Remus Lupin still liked him even if Black had tried— well, that didn't matter anymore.
"There's nothing wrong with me." Remus muttered, catching Severus' eye. He seemed to want to state that more for himself, than for the Slytherin "I just didn't want Sirius to bother you."
Severus thought about insisting, but realised it was pointless. Remus was a perfect Gryffindor, and he could be stubborn when he refused to do something, just as he was stubborn when he wanted to do something. Their friendship was the biggest proof of that— Remus didn't give up on being friends with Severus even if the Marauders were going to complain, and it eventually led to a truce between them all. They still didn't like each other, that was all obvious, but they no longer bothered Severus, and Black had recently become pleasant to be around, in a way.
"Well, if you say there's nothing wrong with it, then fine." Severus shrugged, gathering his books that were still scattered on the table "I think I'll go to my room, I'm tired."
"You're not going to dinner?" Remus frowned and began gathering his own materials.
"I'm not very hungry."
“Severus.”
“Remus.”
The two of them stared at each other, and Severus almost wanted to say that he could win in a battle of stares with Remus Lupin, but he knew that was a lie. First because Remus genuinely could be stubborn when he wanted to be, and when it came to the welfare of the people close to him, the Gryffindor was especially insistent, but also because there was something in Remus's eyes— it was such genuine concern, such a desire to see people looking after themselves and smiling, and Severus couldn't deny him that.
He couldn't take away from Remus the things that made him happy, even those that bothered him or those that weren't of great importance to Severus. He was much like Black, perhaps, who also couldn't be cruel enough to limit Remus and his little happinesses. Maybe that was why Severus didn't really bother with Black trying to get close to him, because he knew— or used to think, at least— that it would make Remus happy.
Not that it mattered much now, considering that Remus didn't appear to be happy at all with their new weird agreement. But the feeling remained.
"Right, I'm going to get something to eat— Don't make that face, it makes me angry with you!" Severus grunted, watching a smug smile open on Remus' face.
"Come on Sev, our delicious dinner awaits us." Remus stood up, slung his backpack over his shoulders and held out his hand to Severus.
Even if annoyed, and a little embarrassed by the gesture, Severus accepted his hand and stood up. The two made their way side by side into the main hall, and at no time did Severus seem to notice Remus' fingers trying to reach for his again, silently asking for the warm palm against his, too distracted by his own displeasure at having once again fallen for one of Remus Lupin's traps.
Severus promised Lily that he would meet her near the Black Lake, and obviously he kept his promise without too much trouble.
It had been a few weeks since they had had time to talk just the two of them. With Black's excitement about having them closer and closer and nightly meetings with Remus, Severus was catching himself constantly running out of time to share with his best friend. In other years, that would have sounded extremely unacceptable— Lily was, after all, a very important part of Severus, not just a friend he could easily cast aside. But Severus knew, too, that things between them were not good, and spending time with Lily only accentuated the friction sometimes.
He could, of course, tell her the truth. Tell Lily that he no longer had any intention of joining the Death Eaters, and that he was currently trying his best not to piss off any of his Slytherin colleagues, and that he was trying his best to give them the impression that he would join eventually, because if they thought he wouldn’t— well, that he would be dead and all. But Lily, perhaps, wouldn't understand— not because she didn't believe him, but because Lily was so different from Severus. Lily would try to help him, would try to do something, even if it put her in danger, and Severus wanted none of it.
Severus wanted to finish his studies, and then disappear off the map. He didn't intend to be the hero, didn't want to have his name recognised for absolutely nothing. If he told Lily, she, much like Remus had tried once when he found out, would probably try to hatch a plan, try to turn to Dumbledore. But with Remus, who could better understand the nuances of being an unwanted person within certain environments and contexts, he could see that being the hero, in some cases, was also about getting hurt, sometimes badly. Remus understood prejudice, he understood the danger of people's hatred.
No, Severus didn't want that— not for him, not for Lily. And telling her, too, would open doors to questions Severus didn't want to answer, because Lily wouldn't be satisfied with just superficial information. Answers about him that would tell about the house he lived in, and the parents he had, and the things he went through both there and at Hogwarts. Severus had already told Lily certain things about his life, but he had deprived her of more sordid details, and he intended to keep it that way.
Some things he didn't want her to know, perhaps because he spent much of his life observing the perfect life she had— or seemed to have, because Severus recognized that Lily, too, had difficult things in her life— and telling Lily, for some reason, made him uneasy. He didn't know if Lily could understand him, if she could pick up on the subtle nuances of small rejections, if she would truly understand how he felt and how he wanted to act, and not just set off on some kind of revolution.
"Sev!" Lily ran up to him, her red strands glowing like excited fire in the sunlight.
"Hey, Lily." Severus smiled, making room for her to sit beside him, shielded from the sun under the large tree.
She cracked a smile at him and sat down, arranging her backpack in front of her. Severus watched her intently, a small smile still on his lips. He found it very easy to smile when she was around, because Lily was charismatic and reached out to him despite Severus being the weird kid in the neighbourhood.
"It's been a while since we've done this together." Lily commented, removing the books from her backpack.
"You're right." Severus nodded, mimicking her "I missed you."
Lily stopped fiddling with her backpack for a moment to lift her gaze and beamed at him, “Me too, Sev!”
Severus hung his head, embarrassed, but certainly happy with the response he received from her. It was hard for him to speak things like that, it was hard for Severus to express himself openly, mainly because vulnerability didn't make him comfortable in his own skin at all, but Remus had told him that Lily would enjoy hearing what he thought, not only because it was easier to understand Severus that way, but also because it would calm her down to have some verbal confirmation of what he felt, which would solve her fears.
"I have some questions in Potions, but I think we could go over other topics as well." Lily grumbled.
"And I have questions about Transfiguration." Severus nodded, a little bitterly. He didn't have much luck when it came to Transfiguration.
"I'm not the best person to help you with that, Sev." Lily laughed "But I heard Remus is very good at Transfiguration!"
"I'll ask him later, then."
Lily stared at him for a few seconds, and again put the books aside. Severus stared at her too, curious. She usually didn't hesitate to speak her mind, so this exchange was a little different.
"Potter told me something— Well, he's always telling me things." Lily rolled her eyes, and Severus couldn't help but laugh a little "He told me that you, Remus and Sirius Black have been studying together."
Severus remained silent, trying to show impassiveness, but he knew better than to lie to Lily— and he didn't even know, really, why his first instinct was to lie. Lily never liked what the Marauders were doing to him, but she also undeniably had some kind of hope that things would end well between them.
"Black came to me with an offer of a truce, and, well—" Severus huffed, suddenly embarrassed "Why not? If it's going to make him stop annoying me for good, I don't see why I should refuse. And in recent weeks, I've realised that Black can be... Pleasant to be around."
Lily stared at him as if Severus had been born another head, "Sirius Black— pleasant to be around?" she almost shouted.
"W-Well—!" Severus blushed, and he didn't even know what all this embarrassment was about, but having Lily question him about Sirius Black was certainly something new and something he didn't know how to handle. If anything, Severus had expected this questioning about Remus, but Lily had never asked him anything about the werewolf "I'm not saying he's good— No, maybe he is, though he wasn't with me. But Black can behave himself, and when you talk to him, you realise he's not that annoying when he tries."
"Sev—" Lily huffed, a little embarrassed too, because her face was tinged a subtle red "I thought you— well, since you approached Remus, I thought that the two of you— But Sirius Black! I never imagined you two— Ah, anyway, I think I can understand, at least on his part."
Severus frowned, a little puzzled.
"Lily, what are you talking about?"
She stared at him wide-eyed.
"Sev, I thought you and Remus— I thought you were together."
"Lily!" Severus almost shouted, extremely embarrassed "Why would you think— No, when you— When you found out about me? And anyway, Remus—no, Remus likes someone else, Lily."
Lily possibly wilted like a flower that hadn't seen the sun for many days, looking genuinely saddened "Oh, Merlin, Sev! I've always known, I think— No, that's not true. I only thought of the possibility after we came to Hogwarts and you didn't reciprocated my— That doesn't matter now. I already knew, and I don't care about that. But I really thought you and Remus were together, you always meet after curfew, and you talk about him as if— But suddenly Sirius Black was spending so much time with you, and even Potter came to complain about it to me!"
Severus blinked, possibly feeling like he was about to faint.
"Lily, Remus likes someone else." was all he managed to say, still processing half of what she had spat at him.
"But you like him, don't you, Sev? I've seen how— I've noticed how you look at him."
"Well, yes— Yes, I like him." Severus admitted, and was surprised at how easily those words came out of him "But it's all right, Lils. I've already accepted that he doesn't like me. And, ah, about Black—" Severus grimaced "Please don't ever say anything like that in front of me again."
Lily blushed again, but nodded fervently.
"I'm sorry, Sev."
"It's all right." he smiled minimally at her, and it was genuine. Liking Remus was as much a part of him now as her friendship, and Severus was easily accommodating to the changes within his heart, even if some of them hurt.
"When you say Remus already likes someone, is he the one who told you that or—?"
"Oh, no. I just know." Severus shrugged. He thought about bringing up that it was Sirius Black, and that that was why Lily's assumption sounded even crazier to him, but he held back. It wasn't his right to say anything.
Lily directed him one last strange look, but soon her expression moulded into something more comfortable and normal. Severus thought about asking what she was thinking, but he didn't know if he wanted to know the answer, so he just picked up one of the books and started reading, ready to jot down what was necessary to complete the outstanding tasks. Lily did the same, and for a few minutes the two of them stood there in silence.
Contemplating realities, theirs or others'.