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The tea was too hot and it burned his tongue the moment he took a sip. He cursed himself for not being patient enough to let the beverage cool and nearly threw the mug in the sink out of frustration. He wanted to punish the poor ceramic cup for hurting him.
Okay, so it was possible he was projecting his anger onto inanimate objects instead of casting it out into the Force like he had been trained to do.
It struck him then just how right the Council had been, he wasn’t ready to take the trials.
His commlink chimed and he didn’t need the Force to know it was Bant checking up on him, again. News traveled fast in the temple and between his Master’s claims of fighting a long dead enemy of the Jedi on a random planet in the Outer Rim, and the mysterious child of prophecy they had “won” on Tatooine his Master (and inadvertently himself) had become the hot topic of the Temple.
Bant, bless her soul, knew just how much he preferred staying under everyone’s radar - he had hoped that his potential repudiation in the Council Chamber remained behind closed doors.
But there was a reason he didn’t believe in luck, he rarely had any.
He knew his friends meant well, and were simply worried about him, but he didn’t really think he could handle defending Qui-Gon to his friends yet again. So, he sent a quick reply to say that he was busy preparing for a mission, hoping that would keep Siri or Quinlan from simply showing up at his door.
He swallowed another gulp of the scalding hot tea, and allowed the physical pain to distract him from his thoughts. He then gently placed the delicate cup down on the counter and closed his eyes. He inhaled deeply through his nose and then exhaled slowly through his mouth, he tried to cast his emotions into the Force, the way a Jedi should.
He had just started to feel a bit better, realizing that perhaps he had been overreacting and the situation wasn’t as bad as he was making it out to be when the sense of peace was shattered by the Force presence of his approaching Master and the raw power he had come to know as Anakin Skywalker.
Obi-Wan’s grip on the counter tightened as the door opened.
He tuned them out as best he could, picking up his discarded tea cup and sipping it silently in hopes of going unnoticed by the pair. He could sense that Qui-Gon was attempting to teach the Skywalker boy the basic fundamentals of meditation, something most Jedi learn in their earliest days in the creche.
It was something he had struggled with as a young lad, something Qui-Gon had drilled into him ad nauseam until it became second nature. It felt strange to listen to his Master guide another Padawan through the exercises, he knew it was silly of course to think of it like a betrayal, but he couldn’t help it.
Hearing Anakin wine at his Master about how bored he was did take the sting out of it a little.
He didn’t envy the uphill battle his Master would have in trying to get this boy to that same level, or to even get him caught up to his peers. He wondered if it was even possible, the child was incredibly powerful, but also insanely undisciplined.
There was a part of him that was glad it was Qui-Gon’s problem and not his.
He hung his head in shame, he was being unfair. Anakin was about to be his Padawan-Brother, he should try to make an effort.
Except, if the Council sticks to their decision not to allow him to take the trials there was a very likely chance that Qui-Gon would dismiss Obi-Wan outright and Anakin would step in and take his place.
He wondered if they’d choose the Agri-Corps this time around.
And suddenly he felt like he was twelve years old again, as if the last decade hadn’t happened. What was the point of all of it if he was meant to just end up in the same place?
He shook himself out of his spiraling thoughts, deciding it would be best to retire to the safety of his room when he remembered that he had already agreed to let Anakin sleep in his room, the child was innocent in all of this, he had no ill will against the boy.
He wouldn’t begrudge a child raised in slavery a warm bed.
But it did mean that he would have to sleep on the couch, which would give Qui-Gon more than enough of a chance to talk to him. He inwardly sighed and contemplated hiding out in the Room of a Thousand Fountains or in the Banquet Hall, until Qui-Gon went to bed, but he was tired and just wanted to focus on getting through the end of this mission.
He moved towards the couch, sinking down to the well worn cushion and with a small frivolous use of the Force he pulled his datapad from the Caf table to his outstretched palm. The screen came to life with the Arcive article he had been reading before they had been summoned to the Council chamber.
He had been researching old Sith fighting styles prior to the Council meeting, and was in the middle of reading about a really gruesome saber move called Sai Tok when he felt the other end of the couch dip beneath the weight of his Master.
Qui-Gon let out a long and suffering sigh while he proceeded to remove his boots, kicking them across the room in the haphazard way he knew irritated Obi-Wan. His Master was attempting to get his attention without being the one to actually start the conversation.
Well, sorry Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan was not in the mood, those boots could just stay right where they were.
Okay, who was he kidding, he’d put them away later.
“I forgot how much energy it takes to keep up with a youngling.” Qui-Gon lamented, the weariness in his voice seemed genuine.
Obi-Wan kept his nose buried in his datapad, he refused to engage in this conversation. However, he could easily sense his Master’s frustration about being ignored.
“We should talk about what happened.” His Master said after a moment of silence.
“We should focus on Naboo,” Obi-Wan replied.
“Obi-Wan,”
The reprimand was gentle, but still present in his Master’s voice and one he had grown familiar with over the years. Despite his size and booming voice Qui-Gon Jinn rarely yelled, but he rarely needed to.
The younger Jedi made sure that he was shielding his emotions before acknowledging his Master with as neutral a face as he could muster.
“I understand that you are upset with the Council’s decision, I am as well…” His Master began.
Try as he might, he couldn’t hold back the scoff.
“But creating a scene by rushing out of the chambers and refusing to wait when I called you was highly inappropriate. You forget your place, young one.” Qui-Gon said.
“And what is my place, Master?” Obi-Wan willed his voice not to crack as he replied. “The Council made it clear that I am not a Knight, and you made it clear that I am no longer your Padawan…”
“You are twisting words to fit your narrative.” Qui-Gon said, not unkindly. “I can see from your point of view that is what transpired, but…”
“This is not a matter of perspective, Master!: Obi-Wan tossed the datapad on the table, a bit harder than he had intended to. “You forgot I was there!”
“Now, Obi-Wan that is a bit dramatic.”
“No Qui-Gon, we share a bond…” Obi-Wan tried to hide the hurt in his voice. “You can try to fool the Council, but I sensed it. The moment you announced your intensions to take the boy as your Padawan you had sincerely forgot I was there.”
“Padawan, that is not…”
“Yoda had to remind you!” Obi-Wan stood up. “I could sense the moment you came back to the moment and remembered I was standing right there. The embarrassment I sensed in you through the Force doesn’t change the fact that when it came down to it I wasn’t even worthy of consideration to you.”
His Master ran a hand down his face, his exhaustion melting into the Force and for a moment Obi-Wan felt sorry for acting like a spoiled child. But how many times had they had this conversation - or at least a version of it over the course of his apprenticeship? How many more ways would Qui-Gon prove to him that he was never wanted in the first place.
As he stared at the man who had practically raised him, he felt a heart breaking sense of understanding wash over him.
“I…will never be enough for you.”
As soon as the words left his mouth he knew he’d gone too far, but he also knew it was the truth.
“Padawan, I thought you had moved past your insecurities.” Qui-Gon gently admonished. “You have come such a long way, worked so hard.”
Obi-Wan didn’t reply right away, he wasn’t sure what to say. Qui-Gon to his credit tried to pull focus back towards their upcoming mission.
“We should both meditate on the day’s events.” His Master rose to his feet and motioned towards the meditation cushions in the corner. “It has been a trying mission, and I am going to need you to focus on what’s waiting for us on Naboo.”
Obi-Wan knew his Master was right, of course. He should not let his personal feelings get in the way of their mission, but as he stared up at Qui-Gon’s face, memories of multiple instances where his Master tried to break off their partnership rose to his mind.
Bandomeer, Melida/Daan, Pijal…
There always seemed to be a new reason for Qui-Gon to dismiss him.
“Was there ever a time where you didn’t wish to be rid of me?” He blurted out, unable to stop himself.
“Obi-Wan, keep your concentration on the here and now..”
The Padawan could sense his Master avoiding the topic. He sadly nodded, he didn’t blame Qui-Gon, to his credit he had always accepted Obi-Wan back.
“That wasn’t a ‘no’, Master.”
Out of respect for Qui-Gon’s teachings and for his status in the Order Obi-Wan offered him a respectful bow before exiting the apartment. He didn’t know where he would go, he just knew he couldn’t stay there - not until he was able to make peace with the confirmation of his worst fears.
He wasn’t good enough; had never been good enough; will never be good enough to earn Qui-Gon Jinn’s approval. Deep down he knew that shouldn’t be the point of his apprenticeship, he wasn’t owed affection from his Master, he was owed an education in the ways of the Jedi and the Force and that was something Qui-Gon had provided in earnest.
Desire for more was always a slippery slope. One that could lead towards the darkside if one wasn’t careful.
– - - - - - –
Hours later and peace still eluded him. He had tried to take solace in the comfort of his friends, but one glance at their worried faces was enough to send him over the edge. He had unceremoniously vented to them about the entire situation, it was not his finest hour as a Jedi.
But worse than that, it didn’t do anything to help him feel better.
He wandered the halls of the Temple, having no real destination in mind. He could sense through the Force that a significant change was on the horizon and he wanted to prepare himself for the possibility that he had come to the end of his road as a Jedi Padawan.
Which is what ultimately brought him to the Hall of Knighthood, a beautiful room dedicated to the official knighting ceremonies for all Senior Padawans once they passed their trials. It was where the Master would cut off the learner’s braid, surrounded by the Jedi Council.
He could sense through the Force that Qui-Gon would not be cutting his braid.
Obi-Wan tried not to dwell on the sensation of loss, the future is always in motion and it was likely he was projecting. But he found himself slowly sinking down to a sitting position on the marble floor in dismay, his back sliding along the wall in the process. He could feel the exhaustion of their latest mission finally catching up with him - he had had only a handful of hours of sleep during the three days of constantly guarding the Royal entourage from Bounty Hunters and local Raiders.
He knew he should try to rest, regardless of the future status of his Apprenticeship he still had a mission to complete, and Qui-Gon would need him at his best. He closed his eyes with the intention of meditating and using the Force to bolster his energy.
Next thing he knew he was lying on the ground in a puddle of his own drool, and someone was poking his shoulder with a stick.
Obi-Wan stirred and looked up at the amused face of his Great Grand-Master.
“So eager you are, hmmm?” Yoda asked, his voice surprisingly gentle. “Always waiting your turn.”
Obi-Wan sat up quickly, wiping the last of the sleep from his eyes. “Oh! Master Yoda, I’m sorry…I…um…”
Yoda shook his head, fondly. “Sleep, a crime it is not, young Obi-Wan. Realize that at some point you should.”
Obi-Wan couldn’t help the flush to his cheeks, this was not the first time he had been caught sleeping in odd places in the Temple, including but not limited to the Room of a Thousand Fountains and the Archives.
“Yes Master, I will try harder to keep that in mind.”
It must be serious if Yoda didn’t tell him to ‘do or do not’, but the small green Master gently patted him on the shoulder before taking a seat next to him on the floor.
“Difficult mission it has been for you.” Yoda said after a moment.
Obi-Wan shrugged. “I’ve had better,”
“Worse you also have had.” Yoda pointed his gimmar stick at him.
“Yes, that is certainly true.” The Padawan agreed.
“A familiar road this has become for you, unsure of your place.” Yoda said. “Sorry for that, I am.”
“It’s not your fault, Master. I’m the one who keeps failing.” Obi-Wan rested the back of his head against the wall.
“Not being ready, different than failure it is.” Yoda reminded him.
“Then why doesn’t it feel that way?” Obi-Wan asked, feeling much younger than he was. “Why does it feel like I will never measure up to what he wants his Apprentice to be?”
“Listen to your Master, important it is. But flawed, Masters can be.” Yoda turned his heavily lidded eyes towards the younger man. “Through the Force, feel you are on the right path do you?”
He didn’t need to think about the answer to that question, even in moments where he had been tempted otherwise he always knew there was only ever one path for him - and it was the path of a Jedi Knight.
“Yes, Master.” He replied. “I know I’m meant to be a Jedi.”
Yoda nodded. “Yes, see that, the Council does. Know that, I always have.”
“Then why…” He hesitated asking such an emotional question to one of the Jedi he respected most. “Why did the Council refuse my nomination? Why did YOU refuse my nomination?”
Yoda took a deep breath and released it, Obi-Wan could feel him let go of an emotion that strangely felt like guilt into the Force.
“On the right path you are, Obi-Wan…” Yoda said, resting his chin upon his hands as it clutched the handle of his walking stick. “But learn to walk before they can run all Jedi must.”
Obi-Wan hung his head. “I know…”
“A Jedi must also believe he can run; and not look so far ahead that he trips.” Yoda continued. “Believe you can run, do you?”
“I…think so?”
“Hmmm, a Jedi Knight, responsible for lives he is...” Yoda reached out and placed a clawed finger beneath Obi-Wan’s chin, lifting the younger man’s eyes to meet his. “- doubt himself he cannot.”
“How can I trust in my abilities if my own Master doesn’t want me?” Obi-Wan protested.
Yoda let go of his chin with a grunt. “Bah! A good man your Master is, but always right he is not. Learn from him you have, learn from him you should - but define your worth with someone else’s standards you should not.”
“But…”
“No!” Yoda cut him off. “Trust in yourself, and trust in the Force.”
“So, I need to ignore the fact that Qui-Gon is going to reputate me?” Obi-Wan asked.
The small Jedi Master sadly sighed. “Excuse his behavior, I do not.”
Obi-Wan found himself oddly struck by the tone in Yoda’s voice, it was full of sorrow and disappointment.
“But force him to change, you cannot.” Yoda said, softly. “Only can you change how you react to it.”
The younger Jedi hated how his traitorous eyes were tearing up, but he nodded in understanding of Yoda’s wise words. He would likely never find the validation he craved from his Master, but if he was truly ready to be a Jedi Knight he wouldn’t need it.
It would be foolish of him to think it could be solved during the course of one mission, but he decided while sitting on that cold floor that he would find a way to approach his Master and accept whatever Qui-Gon decided about his status as his Padawan.
He of course hoped his Master would choose to complete his training, sadly, he still couldn’t shake the elusive feeling that Qui-Gon would not be the one to sever his Padawan braid. But, even if that wasn’t the case he would have the confidence that the Force wanted him to be a Jedi Knight.
And he would be enough.