Work Text:
Transcript of excerpts from Pumpkin Heads: The Battle to Grow the Largest Pumpkin in North America — A Documentary by Lucius Spriggs
Excerpt from interview with Edward Teach, owner and general manager of Blackbeard’s Farm & Table
[EXT Blackbeard’s Farm. It’s early spring and the farm is currently closed to the public. Edward Teach sprawls on a picnic table. He’s wearing much more leather than expected of a farmer.]
LS (offscreen): I know we discussed this over email, but I’d like to run through it quickly on film. I’ll probably conduct three or four interviews throughout the growing season and also get some footage of your progress, that still okay?
ET: Sure, sure, no secrets here. Who else are you talking to, can you say?
LS: Most of the front runners and past winners who still compete agreed to appear in the documentary.
ET: Evelyn threaten you with a shotgun yet?
LS: No, you’re only my second interview. Is that… a concern?
ET: Nah, she usually doesn’t follow through. I’m sure her husband will turn up.
LS: Umm… Right. Moving on. First off, congratulations on your victory last year. 1,717 pounds is quite impressive.
ET: (waves a hand modestly) I had a good team, good weather. With some luck, the goddess of gourds will smile on me again this year. (He grins. It’s a bit unsettling. It’s also unclear whether he’s joking.)
LS: What do you have to say about your fellow competitors?
(From offscreen, the voice of Blackbeard’s Operations Manager Israel Hands can be heard. Hands declined to be interviewed for this documentary.)
IH: Bunch of [beep]ing rich hobbyist [beep]s, trying to [beeeeeeeep].
ET: I wish them the best of luck. (Another unsettling smile.) They’ll need it.
LS: Do you have any thoughts on the new rule that states—
(Teach leans forward.)
ET: Hey, have you talked to the new guy yet?
LS: Who, the guy from Bonnet’s Agricultural Co-op?
ET: Yeah, him, I hear he’s doing some interesting things.
LS: He does seem to have some… ideas. I can’t really discuss anything I’ve learned—
ET: Is it true he actually reads to his pumpkins?
LS: I… shouldn’t say.
ET: Fucking mental. I have to meet this guy.
(Hands stalks into frame and talks right into the camera.)
IH: Bonnet’s [beep]ing Cooperative of [beep]s can [beep] right off, bunch of imbecilic [beep]ing [beep]s that would be better off [beep]ing [beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep].
(Hands stalks out of frame.)
ET: So anyway, can you let him know I’m interested in setting up a meeting? Love to pick his brain about a few of his methods.
LS: Ummm… sure?
Excerpt from interview with Stede Bonnet, founder of the TBD Agricultural Co-op
[INT TBD Agricultural Co-op Cafe & Library. That is not a typo.]
LS: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.
SB: Of course, I’m happy to share my thoughts on absolutely everything.
LS: Yes. Well. I suppose my first question is, have you chosen a name for your co-op yet?
SB: Ah, no, we can’t seem to come to a consensus. The perils of true democracy, I suppose.
LS: Sure. But you’re entering the Largest Pumpkin contest in part to raise awareness of your co-op, was my understanding from our emails?
SB: That’s correct.
LS: So you want to publicize a currently unnamed venture?
(Bonnet waves a hand dismissively. His cuffs are white lace that extend past his knuckles. That is not a typo.)
SB: I’m sure we’ll find something we can all agree on. Have you had a chance to talk to Ed Teach over at Blackbeard’s?
LS: We spoke last week.
SB: He came round a few days ago. Everyone makes him out to be some kind of monster but I thought he was charming.
LS: Edward Teach?
SB: That’s right. Say, how would you feel about joining us to film our fledgling year? Might be a great opportunity for a young documentarian such as yourself.
LS: But I have a job? Making this documentary that we’re filming at this exact moment?
(Bonnet leans out of frame.)
SB: [inaudible]
LS: You’re paying how much?
SB: [inaudible]
LS: [inaudible]
SB: Welcome aboard!
End of Footage