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All humans are selfish.
Tatsumi Kazehaya knows this. He knows this fact and has experienced it first hand. On his quest to help all of humankind, he has experienced countless times where people he’s tried to help have betrayed him. They’ve stabbed him in the back in order to fulfill their selfish needs of getting use out of Tatsumi.
He pretends he doesn’t know. That he doesn’t know everyone around him is selfish and that they only want to use him. It’s not their fault, the devil makes sin tempting on purpose and Tatsumi can’t blame them for not being strong enough to resist, for not having enough faith.
Reimei was a great example of that, though he doesn’t like thinking about it. It was a silly dream he had that ended badly because of his mistakes. It wasn’t because of others, or because of the system. It was solely his fault alone that it didn’t work like it was supposed to and that things happened the way he did. His in and out visits to the hospital, his leg that will never heal and…
Kaname.
Kaname, oh Kaname. Tatsumi loved him. He still loves him, he’s never stopped. Kaname was there for him, Kaname helped him with his silly revolution, he was always by Tatumi’s side and he knew Tatsumi inside and out, and Tatsumi knew him as well. They planned to be together for the rest of their time, as a duo in the idol industry with the intention to make it better, and Tatsumi wanted to always be together with Kaname like that. Kaname was his rock, Kaname was the only one who treated him as an equal and who genuinely valued him, and Kaname was the one who Tatsumi wanted in his life forever.
He still wants that. Tatsumi still so desperately wants Kaname with him, for Kaname to be a part of him for the rest of their lives. He wants Kaname, he is over the moon for Kaname, and he knows in his heart that he always will be.
Even if HiMERU doesn’t seem to share the same sentiment. Kaname has changed since their Reimei days, and to be fair so has Tatsumi. HiMERU had always insisted upon being called as such, but when they were alone and in private, whether alone in the octopus dorms or in the catacombs after everyone had left, he had viscerally insisted that Tatsumi call him Kaname. It must have been special, to have Tatsumi call him by his real name and no one else. It was special to Tatsumi too, it always has been. Knowing that he is the only one allowed to see the true Kaname and no one else, knowing that Kaname trusts Tatsumi the most out of everyone.
Which is why, even after what happened at Reimei and with Tatsumi’s failed revolution, when he met HiMERU again for the first time in a secluded room, he immediately went to call out his name with love and adoration.
When he did though, something flashed in HiMERU’s eyes as he turned around to look at him. For a second, it seemed like HiMERU was glaring at him, but it went away as soon as it showed, and his face was back to his neutral stoic face.
HiMERU said his name as well. Tatsumi Kazehaya. He follows it up with telling him to not call him by that name, as it is no longer associated with him, but Tatsumi is stuck on the way his name is said. He’s stuck on the way the syllables roll off the others tongue, and how they form and contort into his name. It almost feels unnatural and poisonous, the way he says it.
This isn’t the Kaname he knows. Just from the way he says his name, he can tell. The way Kaname would say his name was so different. The way his name would feel on Kaname’s lips was something Tatsumi treasured. From the first time he said it, those three times his name spilled from Kaname’s mouth in the octopus dorm where they first met, Tatsumi wanted it to be the only name that Kaname ever said. The way his name fell from the other like water flowing from a fine teapot, it made Tatsumi’s heart feel fuzzy. It made him feel like he was the only person in the world, besides Kaname.
HiMERU did not say his name like that. It sounds grating, it sounds wrong. Not like Kaname at all.
But Tatsumi would not say anything. Because he and HiMERU just met again. It had been such a long time, of course people change and grow and things won’t always stay the same. He would not point it out, as Tatsumi Kazehaya is selfless, and something as simple as the way his name is said is not something to question. It’s not something that matters.
What matters is that he has Kaname back. And now that they both work for ES, he will always have Kaname with him again. That’s all he wants. He’s happy.
He’s happy to have Kaname back even when his advances to spend time together are rejected. It’s okay, HiMERU is busy, Tatsumi says to himself. He has other things to worry about. Their silly little promise at the end of a failed revolution didn’t mean much now, and that was okay with him. At least he has him again.
When HiMERU looks at him like he’s the scum of the earth, Tatsumi doesn’t care. He’s not stupid, he can see the look in HiMERU’s eyes, and he can feel the atmosphere when they’re alone together. But he doesn’t care. He’s selfless, he knows that HiMERU has all the right in the world to think whatever he wants of him. Of a martyr whose sacrifices were in vain because of his own faults.
So he doesn’t say anything at all, because he wouldn’t want to upset Kaname. He wouldn’t want to upset him by forcing HiMERU to think differently of him. That he should like Tatsumi just because he says so. People are free to do what they want, and HiMERU is no exception.
At least he still has Kaname.
When HiMERU says mean things to Tatsumi he isn’t bothered. It’s in HiMERU’s right to say whatever he wants. Tatsumi thinks he deserves it anyways, so it’s not like it's actively harming him. Tatsumi believes Kaname would never betray him, never hurt him on purpose. He always has, and so his words slide off Tatsumi’s back.
Or they should. But sometimes when HiMERU says something so very passive aggressive to him, he gets a little hurt. Because what if this is what Kaname actually thinks of him? What if devoting themselves to each other was a lie?
When he hears HiMERU say ‘ore’ instead of Kaname’s signature and fitting ‘boku’ to refer to himself, he thinks, what if Kaname was just hiding himself? What if his whole personality was a lie and that he was just tricking Tatsumi into needing him?
But then Tatsumi criticizes himself. How could he say that about Kaname? The one who is his equal, the one who makes him the happiest. He would never lie to him, no matter what things he says. It’s probably just apart of HiMERU’s idol persona, and that's okay with Tatsumi. It’s okay with Tatsumi when HiMERU acts nothing like Kaname, especially towards him.
HiMERU can say whatever he wants to Tatsumi, he can do whatever he wants to Tatsumi and he’ll be okay with it. Because Tatsumi knows this is Kaname, and so Tatsumi doesn’t care. He’s selfless and will let anyone use him as they please. Because that’s what his faith is.
Tatsumi Kazehaya is the exception. Tatsumi Kazehaya is selfless. Especially when it comes to Kaname. Becuase Kaname deserves the best, Kaname deserves everything that Tatsumi can give him.
Even if that’s not really Kaname. If that’s someone else, just pretending to be Kaname, then Tatsumi will pretend he doesn’t see it. Tatsumi needs Kaname and if that’s not Kaname he doesn’t know what he’d do.
He’s selfless.
He’s selfless. He’s selfless by not saying anything, he’s selfless by keeping the image of Kaname alive. He’s selfless for keeping Kaname with him, he’s selfless for keeping Kaname alive in his mind. It’s not for him, it’s for Kaname and his memories alive, he’s selfless for pretending he doesn’t know, for convincing himself he doesn’t know. This is Kaname. This needs to be Kaname Tatsumi needs this to be Kaname so bad because he can’t stand the thought of Kaname being away from him he can’t stand Kaname not needing him too Kaname is his Kaname needs him and he needs Kaname and—
Tatsumi is selfish.
Of course he is. He can try to believe otherwise, but that's just not the way the world works. That’s not how humans work. And Tatsumi is just human.
Kaname is his. Kaname has been his since their Reimei days, since Kaname gave himself up to Tatsumi to become a part of him. When Tatsumi gave up himself to Kaname to become one with him. To form a unit with a bond strong enough to change the way being an idol was. To take down the system, they became one. Like they were meant to be. Together.
And Tatsumi can’t lose that. He just can’t lose the one person who didn’t leave, the one person who liked him for who he is, the one person who Tatsumi chose to take the hand of and lift up and be with him throughout his time. And he didn’t want to lose that.
The fabrication of Kaname in his mind is something he’s aware of. He knows deep down that HiMERU isn’t Kaname, and it hasn’t been since he fell from grace. But Tatsumi can pretend.
His mind can create delusions and fabrications of Kaname Tojou, who is the idol HiMERU whom he sees everyday when he works at ES. The HiMERU that looks at him with such distain, who says his name like glass shards ripping out of his mouth, who denies Tatsumi any kind of company unless strictly necessary.
This is Kaname Tojou. And Tatsumi could never give that up. If Tatsumi Kazehaya lost him again he knows he would break. He knows that if he lost the one person who is dearer to him then anyone, he would break and not be able to take it. Not to mention that would mean Kaname is somewhere he doesn’t know. He could be hurt still or dying, or maybe he’s already dead.
No. He can’t take that. Kaname is his, Kaname is so dear to him that he can’t even take it sometimes. But that’s okay. Because Kaname is right here. Tatsumi can go see him whenever he wants, even if he’s brushed off. Tatsumi needs Kaname and he’s here and that’s what matters. That’s everything that Tatsumi could ever want.
Tatsumi can still smile at HiMERU and convey to him how much he needs him. How much he would do for him, he would do anything for him.
He can still subtly try to touch HiMERU when they might brush past each other. He can still envision being with HiMERU, he can still imagine a world where they succeeded, he can still be around his Kaname. Because HiMERU is Kaname.
And Tatsumi loves Kaname.
So what if that makes him selfish.
All humans are selfish. And Tatsumi Kazehaya is no different.